I would say no. I'm never doing to be executor over an estate ever again.
I administered my grandmother's estate, and DH administered his dad's. His dad's was super easy with only the three adult children as heirs and most of it going directly to them from retirement funds. My grandmother's wasn't exactly hard, but it was more complicated and took a lot longer to distribute funds, and dealing with the heirs was awful. Also, I was appointed joint executor with another heir, which made everything harder, and then I did all of the work but only got half of the compensation.
I'm listed as executor and successor trustee on my dad's paperwork. In 2012 when he remarried the first time I told him I didn't want to do it, and he ignored me. I told him again earlier this year since he was seeing his lawyer anyway, and he says she told him not to change it -- they'd rather I say no when the time comes and it will go to the next person. That person said he would do it, but he doesn't know what I know. And what happens if he isn't around?
My parents did a living trust in the early 2000s. I think they were badly advised. The only asset of any value was the house (I'm serious -- they were in credit card debt, went into overdraft every month, and had no savings or retirement savings), and yet they have a complicated trust. When my mom died the trust became irrevocable and a bypass trust was supposed to be established, but it wasn't. The way the trust is worded, if the house is sold there are only two options -- divide it between the main trust and the "family pot" bypass trust, or use the net proceeds for a new house. I totally get that my parents didn't want either of them to be without a house. My dad recently sold the house and used the proceeds to pay off credit card and car debt, pay for a wedding and honeymoon, etc. His lawyer did tell him the net proceeds were supposed to go into another house, but he decided the net proceeds would be after he got out of debt, paid for his wedding and move, and tithed a full 10%. If he does buy a house, he'll have to hold it jointly with his new wife (likely set up as percentages depending on how much they each contribute). When I asked what happens if he dies before the new wife that his lawyer said if he dies first his heirs can put a lien against the house and get the money when the current wife sells or dies. (And as an aside, his lawyer recommended a prenup to navigate both of them already having adult children and his now new wife refused.)
To complicate things, at the time my mom died the mortgage balance was under $60k, and when my dad sold it it was $180k (property values were approximately equal because she died near the height of the real estate bubble. It could be argued that my dad added $120k of debt to his half of the house (since half the value and half the debt belonged to the family pot trust). Oh, and he conveniently "forgot" to put the house in the name of the trust when he refinanced a couple of years ago. That's not a problem if you have a revocable trust, but again, his wasn't. He knew about this issue because when my mom first died he said he wasn't allowed to refinance because of how the trust was set up. That he didn't put it in the name of the trust didn't actually remove the property from the trust because the property itself is specifically mentioned by address in the trust, with specific rules established, and that became irrevocable when my mom died. They did put the deed in the name of the trust when they established it, thus funding the trust.
This is the information that made me say no way, I'm not doing it. I can't do anything about what he did wrong with his trust, but I'm not going to take the heat for it from my siblings after he dies. I'm not even confident the "net proceeds" won't be spent and not put into another house, he's already fixing up his new wife's current house. I love him dearly but I don't expect nor want a dime from his estate -- which is privileged I know since we don't need it and my siblings do (or at least two of them do). Sometimes the heirs can petition the court to allows changes (giving my dad more leeway), but at the time he sold the house there was no way everyone would be on board. It's unfortunate, but families are like that sometimes.
So no way, no how -- I'm not doing it. They can be mad at me for not telling them now how badly it was mismanaged, but I won't have liability because what I know now isn't something I could or can do anything about. When some started sniffing around the proceeds from the house (already) I had to explain that I'm not the executor or trustee at this moment -- my dad would have to die for that to happen. And yes, I did have one who started demanding things of me.
Our plan puts our oldest as executor, but there are only two of them, we are still married, and they are both biologically our children. If things were to change in the future we would set it up to be executed by a paid professional.
