Author Topic: His & Her Money question ...  (Read 5509 times)

jbert

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 24
His & Her Money question ...
« on: July 29, 2016, 11:38:38 AM »
Do you combine ALL of your spending money for each spouse into your weekly spending fun money, or do you separate out things like clothes and hobbies into separate categories? 

For example, how do you budget for:

clothes for each of you
hobbies specific to one spouse
eating out at the drive through when just one of you is with the kids just because you were too lazy to make lunches at home (not because you just had no choice)
an ipad cover you want

do you put all of this into one big spending category for each of you and then increase each of your "fun" money accordingly? 

We are on a tight budget.  I stay home with the kids while my husband works ... The problem we seem to have is my husband said he only wants $60 into his own checking account per month to spend as he sees fit.  He spends it on eating out, or his rc hobby (which can get costly) ...

I notice when my husband takes the kids out on the one day I work, to run errands, or many times its a last minute beach trip ... even though I suggest packing sandwiches/water/other food and eating before they leave.  (I will even make the sandwiches in advance) ... He will still swipe the card for SOMETHING like pizza or bottles of water ...  Then will say "Oh the kids were still hungry and they asked for pizza" (when in reality I think he just wants to eat out himself and doesn't have any money left or doesnt want to use his).

This will happen for things like parts for his rc car, or a shirt he wants (even though he has drawers FILLED with clothes) ...

The problem is we only take home about $4600 a month, we are trying to put what we can in retirement and I don't know where the happy medium is.  On the one hand if we don't budget for a certain amount of fun money, we tend to swipe the card and assume we are not spending as much as we are.  but if we overbudget I fear we are throwing away money we could be stashing away.  It seemed easier to budget when I was single, but it's so hard with a spouse who just doesn't "get it" in the same way

I end up feeling annoyed, and I don't want to, he works hard.  But since he doesn't pay attention to the budget like I do, he has that mentality of "oh it's just $2" but that sort of sloppy decision making is what ends up being $50 over a months time.

I feel like if he upped his spending money for ALL of these things and stuck it into his bank account, he would be more likely to make sandwiches at home and prepare more, when he taps the family account he doesn't seem to "feel" it as much. 

I am sorry if this just sounds like a silly thing to ask about but do you just plop (for example) $100 bucks into your own bank accounts and then thats your money for ALL entertainment and clothes for the month that you dont participate in together?   and then have a separate budget for special family outings that you tap into when you're out as a family?
« Last Edit: July 29, 2016, 11:46:40 AM by jbert »

~Ari~

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 59
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2016, 11:47:01 AM »
This is how we do it - it works well for us, but ultimately you have to find what works for you!

We combine all of our finances. We have sinking funds for things such as clothing and entertainment/eating out. But, we each have our own personal saving's account with Capital One 360 that we put $ into each week at a set amount. If I want to buy anything that is not a necessity for myself, such as jewelry, items for hobbies, etc., I draw from my own personal savings account.

jbert

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 24
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2016, 11:49:17 AM »
This is how we do it - it works well for us, but ultimately you have to find what works for you!

We combine all of our finances. We have sinking funds for things such as clothing and entertainment/eating out. But, we each have our own personal saving's account with Capital One 360 that we put $ into each week at a set amount. If I want to buy anything that is not a necessity for myself, such as jewelry, items for hobbies, etc., I draw from my own personal savings account.

Thanks for replying.  I misunderstood I think, so you do clothing as part of the family budget ?  and then eating out as a family or date nights in a sinking fund?  He just wants to eat out ALL THE TIME it seems haha and I feel like he will use being out with the kids alone as an excuse to use our family budget even when we have used it up already (since he doesn't seem to pay attention to it ).

MayDay

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4395
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2016, 01:12:04 PM »
We have his and hers fun money (30$ a month) and a kids/family outing category that covers eating out as a family, admission to stuff, etc, it's not a firm number but typically we spend 25 to 50 on that.

notactiveanymore

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 212
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2016, 01:22:20 PM »
We each get $60 cash each month for spending money. That includes hobbies like golfing or diy projects. We have not had a clothing budget while we were paying off debt, but now we're done and we're going to each get a chunk of money to catch up on some needs (he's lost weight and I've gained - we need some clothes). After that we'll probably do a sinking fund for clothes for each of us ($20/month each rolling over).

We have a date night budget that covers all eating out and date night activities. We don't have kids, but I imagine we'd do something similar for kids.

Using cash-only for our blow money means you can't accidentally swipe over. We also track our purchases right away and then you always know how much is left in the category. We both agree to follow the budget, so disregarding it for a non-emergency would be a huge deal for us.

sis

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 140
  • Location: NYC
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2016, 01:36:15 PM »
We share all money and don't budget at all.  So this really doesn't help you.  We are pretty frugal though and run any purchases of over $100 by each other.  We don't have kids and aren't budget limited.  I expect that if our financial situation changed we might budget a bit more.  Though he's really on board with saving a lot and we like to see just how much we can save in any given month.

Can you just make a "no eating out" rule?  Like stash small snacks in the car and that's that.  Eating out is a luxury.  Or maybe turn it into a tradition like we go out to eat as a family on the first Friday of the month as long as we stuck to the budget last month.

How old are your kids?  Can you give them a small allowance to model proper spending and savings?

Can you take up a part time job to help ease the financial strain a bit? 

Edited: I just saw that you do work one day per week.  Maybe talk to your husband about how him spending money on going out while you are working isn't really helping you guys meet your savings goals.  Or set aside some amount of money for those days that he takes care of the kids.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2016, 01:39:46 PM by sis »

copernicus

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 5
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2016, 01:51:54 PM »
I have the exact reverse problem. I make the money, my wife loves to spend it.
I think the only real solution is to either
a) stick to a specific budget that includes paying yourself first, followed by paying off last month's credit card bill before any other superfluous purchases. Or
b)split all money 50/50. You can do all the saving you'd like and worry less about how he blows off his half. Obviously, suggestion b only works if he follows through on paying off his own cc bill every month consistently or if he gets cash only and no access to credit.

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8082
  • Location: United States
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2016, 02:18:52 PM »
We have never separated our money at all, nor had any sort of line budget.

We both spend what we feel like on the things we want.  Things tend to balance each other out- he gets hiets more than I do.
s hair cut weekly, I go out to eat once or twice a month for lunch, etc.

If it's a big purchase (like he wants a new camera lens or I want to book a vacation for us) we usually mention it to the other person, and will often hold off on it if we feel like our spending has been too high.

We have similar savings goals though, so neither one of us likes to spend too much.

Crazycarl

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 47
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2016, 02:57:24 PM »
We have all joint accounts. Anytime one of us thinks we need to purchase something we run it by the other person. I also automate as much savings and investing as I can as soon as the money comes in. This makes it seem like you have much less to spend than you do, while saving a ton.

Another way to slow spending is to have a big goal that you both have to save and work towards. This is good motivation to save and keep you both on the same page.

I would also suggest sitting down and going over the whole months spending at the end of each month. That way he can see what he spend money on and what you spend money on and gives you each a chance to state your case and see the whole picture.

Good Luck!

SeaEhm

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 447
  • The Guilt is Real
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2016, 03:27:00 PM »
Everything of ours is completely separate.  However, she is on one of my accounts, but she doesn't know how to access it.  We opened an account together at a credit union years ago and I just recently started to use it.

We somehow split up the monthly bills in a way that each of us does not feel like we are getting the short end of the stick and then we basically spend freely.  She has never once needed to come to me for permission to purchase something.  I have never needed her permission to purchase something.  When she comes to me, it's for me to provide her with my opinion on the purchase and vice versa.  However, I rarely purchase  small items so I seek her advice every couple years or so on a larger ticket item. 

Side note: I was reading money magazine where it asked people "at what dollar amount should you check with your spouse before purchasing an item"   It was something between $150-300.  I asked her and she was more around $2,000 haha

Playing with Fire UK

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3037
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2016, 12:54:31 AM »
We have Yours/Mine/Ours.

Our joint account is for the household bills and joint purchases.

If it is my night to cook and I am too lazy then I would pay for the takeaway. If we are out together and both agree to get pizza then it would come out of the joint account.

It sounds like your OH isn't on board with the spending plan and either doesn't see what you are trying to achieve or isn't bought into it. From your description of the pizza buying and putting RC bits on the joint account it does seem like they are taking a liberty.

If I was out and my personal card didn't work (or I couldn't find it), I'd put the expense on the joint card and then do a transfer into the joint account. Similarly, I might buy something that I think OH might also like (for the house) on the joint card and then ask when I get home. If it is agreed as a joint purchase I'll leave it, if not then I'll return it or transfer money from my account into the joint account.

Just because the money has been spent from the joint account doesn't mean that you can't balance it out later (or even out of next month's personal spending money). I think that changing this dynamic might encourage OH to be a bit more thoughtful about spending on the joint account.

Has your money always been like this or has there been a recent change driven by you? I ask because I've driven a couple of belt-tightening initiatives in our household and been frustrated with my SO being spendy or wasteful. It just took them some more time to get on board with the plan, and looking back I should have been more understanding.

MoonLiteNite

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 411
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2016, 05:07:49 AM »
My sister and her boyfriend do it a cool way.

They each make their own money
They each have their own bank accounts, saving accounts, investment, and retirement accounts, etc.

Then they have a single combined account that they both put equal amounts of money into. i believe currently they each put in $1,600/mo
From this shared account they pay their house, utilties, netflix, shared cell plan, cable TV, gifts to friends and family, etc...

And if they want to buy another xbox, or a new personal car, or new gun, they use their own accounts to fund their own hobbies.

Think they been doing that for like 5 years now? Seems like an awesome setup
« Last Edit: July 30, 2016, 05:09:30 AM by MoonLiteNite »

pancakes

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1337
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2016, 05:10:06 AM »
We combine our finances on paper only.

My income is paid into my account and his into his account. I have some shares, he has some shares. It doesn't bother us whose account expenses are paid from. At the start of each month we throw it all into an excel sheet and see how we went.

We have similar financial goals and habits so this works well for us.

We'll likely make some adjustments once kids are on the scene but so far making it up as we go along has been working out ok.


faramund

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 331
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #13 on: July 30, 2016, 05:14:03 AM »
The vast majority of our funds are joint - but we have a fortnightly amount that we give each other which can be spent on anything and which covers clothes, food, presents and whatever.

If we did something with the kids - that would come out of joint money.

SeaEhm

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 447
  • The Guilt is Real
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2016, 09:14:38 AM »
My sister and her boyfriend do it a cool way.

They each make their own money
They each have their own bank accounts, saving accounts, investment, and retirement accounts, etc.

Then they have a single combined account that they both put equal amounts of money into. i believe currently they each put in $1,600/mo
From this shared account they pay their house, utilties, netflix, shared cell plan, cable TV, gifts to friends and family, etc...

And if they want to buy another xbox, or a new personal car, or new gun, they use their own accounts to fund their own hobbies.

Think they been doing that for like 5 years now? Seems like an awesome setup

What if one makes $30k and one makes $100k? 

I think Suze Orman used to say that percentages work well for "fairness"  (fair is quite subjective in this case though)

jbert

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 24
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2016, 12:46:10 PM »
Thanks everyone! 

We tried not separating "fun money" but I felt like he never felt as accountable when it was coming from the bigger pot as he did when he was spending from his own budgeted fun money.  Plus there were some months where I would just stop paying attention to the budget as much but because I barely spend money it didn't worry me , but then in the background he was overspending in the entertainment/eating out category and i didn't' know it until I checked it the next month.  My fault too , I know, for not keeping up with it.

For example, just now, he wanted to take my daughter out to eat before they went somewhere , I had offered to make her lunch first ... I could tell it was more about him wanted to go out to eat (he just likes going out to eat), but would say he wanted to take her along and then suddenly feel it should come out of the family budget i guess?

If he knows its coming from the big pot, he doesn't care where he goes to eat, if it comes from his spending money, he will go to a less expensive place and maybe not get that extra iced tea, or not go at all

 When it came from the family budget he just didn't pay attention as much to what was left, and i agree he should pay more attention but he just didn't.  He also has this habit of looking at the date and if its anything past the 20th he will say its 'practically the next month anyway' and would spend for next months budget.   (Drives me crazy).

I am not sure if I am explaining this right.  All of this would be a lot less of an issue if i knew we were putting away enough money for retirement but we are barely able to put away 15-20% ... He wants to put more away as well but he just is so disconnected from the money stuff that he doesn't get it.
« Last Edit: July 30, 2016, 12:48:50 PM by jbert »

Captain FIRE

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 518
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2016, 01:45:12 PM »
So why not just point out that you feel it's an issue with grey area spending, with the data to back you up that this is a problem and increasing in frequency/impact to your savings, and then suggest that you increase the personal pots a bit, but then ALL spending for food & treats, unless you are with the whole family or it's cleared in advance, comes from your joint accounts?

MoonLiteNite

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 411
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2016, 04:10:47 PM »

What if one makes $30k and one makes $100k? 

I think Suze Orman used to say that percentages work well for "fairness"  (fair is quite subjective in this case though)

The money in the shared account is flat amount paid by each.
And that is the case, one makes like 50k and the other 200k or something.
But they both pay their even share.

Choices

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 516
    • ChooseBetterLife
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2016, 04:47:05 PM »
Maybe you could put him in charge of all the fun money for the whole family and decide on the total amount together.

I take care of groceries and household needs, and my DH has a budget for our eating out, entertainment, and vacations. He quickly learned that we can go out more often if we don't order drinks or appetizers and we can take more vacations if we camp or stay at frugal hotels, so now he's made it into a game to see how much fun we can get out of the budget.

Him being in charge of the whole category made all the difference rather than trying to negotiate whose budget a restaurant meal or a trip comes from.

pancakes

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1337
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #19 on: July 30, 2016, 06:13:22 PM »

What if one makes $30k and one makes $100k? 

I think Suze Orman used to say that percentages work well for "fairness"  (fair is quite subjective in this case though)

The money in the shared account is flat amount paid by each.
And that is the case, one makes like 50k and the other 200k or something.
But they both pay their even share.

If one makes 50k and the other 100k and they base their expenses on a 150k income, that hardly seems fair to the lower income earner. Similarly, if the 50k earner is shouldering a larger share of the unpaid work, it also doesn't seem too fair.

Each to their own though.

jbert

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 24
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2016, 09:07:36 PM »
So why not just point out that you feel it's an issue with grey area spending, with the data to back you up that this is a problem and increasing in frequency/impact to your savings, and then suggest that you increase the personal pots a bit, but then ALL spending for food & treats, unless you are with the whole family or it's cleared in advance, comes from your joint accounts?

This is exactly what we ended up doing ... thanks for letting me talk this one out, sometimes I just need to talk it out with someone else other than the hubby haha!
Maybe you could put him in charge of all the fun money for the whole family and decide on the total amount together.

I take care of groceries and household needs, and my DH has a budget for our eating out, entertainment, and vacations. He quickly learned that we can go out more often if we don't order drinks or appetizers and we can take more vacations if we camp or stay at frugal hotels, so now he's made it into a game to see how much fun we can get out of the budget.

Him being in charge of the whole category made all the difference rather than trying to negotiate whose budget a restaurant meal or a trip comes from.

I actually really really really love this idea, and considered doing this.  You have me intrigued now because I forgot that I considered this ... Part of me would worry that he would blow the whole thing, but then he does have to show accountability when we decide we want to plan a beach day and the money is gone because he spent it all on himself.   Maybe this would help him with budgeting hmm
« Last Edit: July 30, 2016, 09:09:37 PM by jbert »

icemodeled

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 161
  • Location: Southwest FL
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2016, 09:51:30 PM »
Our finances has always been combined and neither of us would want separate accounts. We each get a small(I mean small) amount of money each month as allowance. For clothing I do spend my allowance on clothes, but I buy clothing more often and it's usually unneeded. He rarely ever buys clothes, so he doesn't use his money for that. My husband has a hobby (collection) and he does use his allowance for this hobby. I really have no hobby or collections. I do enjoy buying board games(vintage and new) which I use my money for. As for eating out, we do not have kids so your question doesn't really apply to us. We actually agreed that neither of us will eat out(even fast food) without the other. This actually helped us to not give in to take out on a whim. When we each had regular jobs, it was tempting to eat out but we both agreed not to. If one of us really wanted food out, then I suppose we could use our allowance for it but I don't see that happening. As for an iPad cover, yes that would fall under allowances for us. He bought his tablet, I bought my iPad.

We each only get $40 a month of fun money. This has always been regardless of who earns more. It's just a lump sum that we agreed on. No separating or categorizing out. Sometimes we get extra if we do well with side jobs or something but otherwise just the monthly set amount. This system has worked flawlessly for us for years and will keep doing what works. I am the saver and he has always been the spender but with this system, we are both satisfied.

faramund

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 331
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2016, 11:21:57 AM »
DW and I have almost always had differing incomes - although interesting, by when we retire it'll end up about equal. We've always gone.. our total income each fortnight is $X. Our total expenses, including investments is $Y, so $Z=$X-$Y is what's left over. So each of us gets $S=$Z/2 as our free money.

$S is too big for me, and barely big enough for DW, so I have my own personal investments in addition to our joint investments - not that its big enough to do anything - but its my current solution to what to do with 'extra' money, and it sortof deals with the.. she wants more money than I do issue.

MrsDinero

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 935
Re: His & Her Money question ...
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2016, 01:34:42 PM »
Is it possible to implement a "no cards in wallet" rule? Back when I was still learning to budget I found that I had trouble staying on it as long as I had credit cards in my purse. I decided to take them out and just live on cash alone. 

Can you both take the credit/debit cards out of your wallets, and just use cash? Break the dependency on swiping a card.