A disappointing situation.

[OurTown]

The good news:  I have a new tenant.  The bad news:  It's my adult son who just washed out of college.  He had a full scholarship to a private college in a STEM major.  He is staying with us on the condition he gets a job and pays rent.

Anyone else been through this?  Any advice?

[asiljoy]

Advice would be dependent on why he washed out and where his head is currently?

Some people just aren't ready for college the first time around. It's too much change all at once and without all the safety nets / structure of the high school environment and parents, they just get overwhelmed and shut down. Make a few bad choices, then things just spiral.

[Daleth]

Well, he probably feels like a failure right now, but if HE were asking for advice it would have to be to figure out what he enjoys doing. If he actually does enjoy STEM stuff, why'd he wash out--does he have anxiety issues or study-skills deficits, or did he drink and party too much, or was he in an all-consuming relationship for which he neglected his studies, or was he in a college that was kind of a reach for him (full of genius kids who will soon be working at NASA or founding their own dot-com billionaire companies, with classes pitched at a level of difficulty that's appropriate for them)? But since he probably isn't feeling so great right now, and especially since you can't make him take the mental journey that you may think he should be taking right now, maybe don't try to explore the whys and wherefores unless he brings the topic up himself.

I would get him a copy of "Shop Class as Soulcraft," for starters, though. But first, read it yourself.
http://www.amazon.com/Shop-Class-Soulcraft-Inquiry-Value/dp/0143117467

[Parizade]

Well, Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard and that turned out okay. Same with Zuckerberg. Dropping out of college is not the worst thing that could have happened to him.

He is still young, with lots of opportunities. Help him find his way.

[dcheesi]

Some STEM programs deliberately enroll more students than they intend to graduate, and then pile on the difficulty right off the bat in order to "weed out" people.

I'm not a fan of this practice, as it makes an already difficult transition even more overwhelming. And of course the kids who don't make it wind up in a worse situation than if they'd gone with a lesser school or a different major to begin with.

[OurTown]

Advice would be dependent on why he washed out and where his head is currently?

Some people just aren't ready for college the first time around. It's too much change all at once and without all the safety nets / structure of the high school environment and parents, they just get overwhelmed and shut down. Make a few bad choices, then things just spiral.

I think it was more this than anything else: just overwhelmed.  To my knowledge there wasn't any drinking or girlfriend distractions.  I suspect there was a lot of video gaming. 

[ShoulderThingThatGoesUp]

Total catastrophe in all classes, or was it a few in particular? Apparently he made it through the fall semester, right?

College isn't for everybody, even smart people. I knew some people who washed out of college and I knew nobody who successfully came back after a wash-out. But there are decent entry-level jobs out there, and if your son is the type of person who could stand out enough to get a full ride at a good school, I expect he could stand out in the workplace as well.

[AZDude]

I have an immediate family member who had a full scholarship. She lost her scholarship due to poor grades and attendance. Ended up back home. Went to community college for a couple years where the stress and difficulty are much lower. Would eventually go on to law school, graduate, and is now working as an attorney.

Not the end of the world, I would suggest a similar path(minus the law school). Enroll in community college for a couple of years while living at home, and then look at the local public university.

[OurTown]

Total catastrophe in all classes, or was it a few in particular?

It's pretty much an across the board cluster.  I'm trying to find him some connections with some free lance IT people to give him something to do while he figures things out.

[DebtFreeBy25]

Sorry to hear this. How old is your son? Does he have any work experience? What does he have to say about this situation?

[OurTown]

I have an immediate family member who had a full scholarship. She lost her scholarship due to poor grades and attendance. Ended up back home. Went to community college for a couple years where the stress and difficulty are much lower. Would eventually go on to law school, graduate, and is now working as an attorney.

Not the end of the world, I would suggest a similar path(minus the law school). Enroll in community college for a couple of years while living at home, and then look at the local public university.

I'm an attorney so I try to discourage everyone from law school!  (heh).  I could definitely see a path forward along these lines, on his dime of course.  It's really unfortunate and unfair that your decisions at that age have such far reaching implications.

[Fishindude]

I recommend good old fashioned physical labor for young kids.  Landscaping, construction, warehouse work, roofing, farm work, etc.   Gets them up and working every day, builds a work ethic, and teaches respect for a dollar.   Plenty of that type of work out there, so there shouldn't be much trouble finding a job, and he can be thinking about his next move while pulling in a weekly paycheck.

[OurTown]

Sorry to hear this. How old is your son? Does he have any work experience? What does he have to say about this situation?

His explanations / excuses are the usual for a college-age kid:  it was too much work, it's the system's fault, and so on.  He has some real-world experience in and a real talent for programming.  I hope that will be part of the path forward.

[asiljoy]

Advice would be dependent on why he washed out and where his head is currently?

Some people just aren't ready for college the first time around. It's too much change all at once and without all the safety nets / structure of the high school environment and parents, they just get overwhelmed and shut down. Make a few bad choices, then things just spiral.

I think it was more this than anything else: just overwhelmed.  To my knowledge there wasn't any drinking or girlfriend distractions.  I suspect there was a lot of video gaming.

If he has experience programming and has been successful, help him build a resume website to market himself and show that he can do the work. It'll be hard, but depending on your area, you could try reaching out to a recruiter at a temp agency to see if they have anything project based that fits his skill set.

As for the blaming it on the school for the dropout... depending where he was, and I think someone mention this already, he could have been on a weed-out track. I had a few of those classes and at the time it felt incredibly unfair; teachers making classes way harder than they needed to be with way more hoops on the way to the top of the curve. Not a lot you can do about that though other than acknowledge life isn't fair, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.

Community college has worked well for my husband. He's well into his 30's and he flunked out the first time around too; a combination of anxiety, an overloaded schedule, and a heavy dose of denial of the situation until it was too late caused it the first time. Now, he takes a couple classes a semester that directly relate to his job and when he finishes, he'll qualify to be promoted whereas now his progress is capped because of lack of a degree. That combination helps him keep motivated and on track.

[MrGreen]

Sorry to hear this. How old is your son? Does he have any work experience? What does he have to say about this situation?

His explanations / excuses are the usual for a college-age kid:  it was too much work, it's the system's fault, and so on.  He has some real-world experience in and a real talent for programming.  I hope that will be part of the path forward.

For what it's worth, college isn't really needed for a career in programming anymore. For someone who is inclined, there's nothing the internet and some books can't teach you that college will. There are other benefits to college, but I know plenty of employers that would rather hire a programmer with no degree that can show work they've done that makes them a qualified applicant. Of course there are still plenty of employers not living in 2016 that still want to see a degree but it's changing pretty rapidly, especially now that kids are learning to code so young.

[OurTown]

I have a 21 year old in school.

My response would be, wanna live here? Get a job, NOW.

I don't care what it is, get a job. Go wait tables, sling coffee, work at 7-11.

I know, I know, I know, you are GONNA get that other job in programming or whatever later, that's cool, but, in the mean time, you wanna eat, you gotta work.

Will be a blip on your radar in a few years, as long as they don't sit around waiting for something to happen instead of making something happen.

Yeah, reality bites, right?  I seem to remember those times in my own life where I really focused on the future came about because of a real sense of urgency.  As in, how am I going to put a roof over my head next month?

[tipster350]

My response would be, wanna live here? Get a job, NOW.

I don't care what it is, get a job. Go wait tables, sling coffee, work at 7-11.

I know, I know, I know, you are GONNA get that other job in programming or whatever later, that's cool, but, in the mean time, you wanna eat, you gotta work.

Will be a blip on your radar in a few years, as long as they don't sit around waiting for something to happen instead of making something happen.

This. GET.A.JOB. No matter what it is.

[OurTown]

Sorry to hear this. How old is your son? Does he have any work experience? What does he have to say about this situation?

His explanations / excuses are the usual for a college-age kid:  it was too much work, it's the system's fault, and so on.  He has some real-world experience in and a real talent for programming.  I hope that will be part of the path forward.

For what it's worth, college isn't really needed for a career in programming anymore. For someone who is inclined, there's nothing the internet and some books can't teach you that college will. There are other benefits to college, but I know plenty of employers that would rather hire a programmer with no degree that can show work they've done that makes them a qualified applicant. Of course there are still plenty of employers not living in 2016 that still want to see a degree but it's changing pretty rapidly, especially now that kids are learning to code so young.

Apparently he's really good at it.  He had a paid internship with one of my clients that started out as vanilla IT support but morphed into developing proprietary software for them. 

[nobody123]

My response would be, wanna live here? Get a job, NOW.

I don't care what it is, get a job. Go wait tables, sling coffee, work at 7-11.

I know, I know, I know, you are GONNA get that other job in programming or whatever later, that's cool, but, in the mean time, you wanna eat, you gotta work.

Will be a blip on your radar in a few years, as long as they don't sit around waiting for something to happen instead of making something happen.

This. GET.A.JOB. No matter what it is.

+1.

I would NOT help him get a job.  Apparently he wasn't motivated enough to take advantage of a golden opportunity that you helped make available to him, so why offer any other help until he proves he will actually appreciate it.  He is technically an adult, so I would set limits on the safety net that you are going to provide.  You will make sure he has a place to sleep and won't go hungry in exchange for some rent, but pulling strings to help him get a cushy job instead of flipping burgers might lengthen the time it takes him to right his ship.  Ultimately, you know your son best, though.

[MrsDinero]

My response would be, wanna live here? Get a job, NOW.

I don't care what it is, get a job. Go wait tables, sling coffee, work at 7-11.

I know, I know, I know, you are GONNA get that other job in programming or whatever later, that's cool, but, in the mean time, you wanna eat, you gotta work.

Will be a blip on your radar in a few years, as long as they don't sit around waiting for something to happen instead of making something happen.

This. GET.A.JOB. No matter what it is.

This is why I joined the military right after high school.  I had zero interest in going to college.  I didn't plan to wait tables and I didn't want to live at home.  The military gave me something to do until I figured out what I wanted to do.

[DebtFreeBy25]

Apparently he's really good at it.  He had a paid internship with one of my clients that started out as vanilla IT support but morphed into developing proprietary software for them.

This is going to run counter to all of the "tough love" advice you're getting, but I think the most important thing you can do is be supportive.

Your son knows he screwed up. Even if he's deflecting blame, he likely grasps the gravity of the situation but has no idea how to proceed. Imagine yourself in his situation. It's likely the biggest mistake he's ever made. Now he has to return home and face upset parents and a challenging job market. You're understandably disappointed that he blew this opportunity. Disappointment, however, won't help your son get his life together. Unfortunately, there's nothing your son can do to change his past failures. The focus needs to be on moving forward.

This is going to sound counter-intuitive but build him up. Let him know that this isn't the end of the world. He can still be successful, but he needs to keep moving forward. Suggest that he pursue an entry level IT position. Remind him that he has skills and can add value for an employer. Be positive about a negative situation. College didn't work out (at least this time), so he needs to find another path to gain skills and achieve independence.

[Candace]

My boyfriend's son washed out his first year with a scholarship as well. He's very smart. He just didn't have the discipline. He went into the Navy for six years and became a nuclear operator, which included some school. Now he's much more mature and is crushing it in a pretty good engineering program, busting curves in every class. He also has the GI Bill funds paying his tuition and a stipend. His Navy courses got him school credit, so he should get a bachelor's in about two years and perhaps a Master's while still on the GI Bill. If your son lacks discipline and focus to complete a degree or a semester load of courses, I recommend the military path. They'll make use of his talents and whip him into shape.

Of course it comes with risks. But it has been a very good thing for my boyfriend's son. Who knows how he would have turned out otherwise.

Good luck!

[forestj]

Sounds like your kid might be kind of like me. I wasn't the best in school. (In fact I didn't go to school at all until "senior year" of highschool and 4 years of college.) I didn't drop out but I didn't get the best grades either.

I will be honest, I bet some STEM programs are no fun to go through. If he was succeeding writing software, though, chances are he will be fine. If you do force him to get an immediate job, like at a coffee shop, it would probably be best if it was part time so that he can also pursue development on the side at the same time.

There are some things you can do to nudge him in the right direction. As home-schoolers (technically non-schoolers) my parents were pretty good at this. For example, when I was younger, I loved video games and wanted to play them all the time. We didn't have a TV and our computer was a mac, so there weren't many games available. My parents would limit the amount of time I could play, but they also gave me an introductory license to a game engine for my birthday, and they would let me play as much as I wanted, provided that I was modding a game or building my own. That was how I started my career as a programmer.

Trying to enforce arbitrary limitations like that on a college age person would probably not elicit a good response. But, depending on the relationship you have with your son, you may be able to nudge him in the right direction. If he sees you as a rich baby boomer that he can mooch off of, then it might be a problem.

For example, if your son truely loves video games and/or software development, maybe you could do a similar thing to what my parents did, but adapted for a young adult instead of a tween? Here's how I would think about it if I were you.

1. Do not encourage or enable your son to use TV and game consoles such as Wii, xbox, playstation. If you have a TV in your house, consider getting rid of it.

2. Make sure your son has a good work PC as opposed to just an entertainment box. A good PC can be had for about $500 these days, especially if you build it yourself from parts. If he already has a good laptop, just slap an external monitor, keyboard and mouse on it to convert it to a real workstation for ~$120. Work PC vs entertainment is mainly a mindset thing. Maybe moving it out of his room and into a common space (like an office if you have one) might help, if he is amenable to that.

3. Encourage/enable him to do his own software or games. That means he needs lots of time to do it, and depending on his personality, other people to do it with. Check out the local tech meetups. Where I live, there is an Independent Game Developers Association that meets regularly. All of the software required can be downloaded for free. For games, I recommend the Unity Game Engine, pirated Photoshop CS5 or Paint.NET, and Blender. For web applications, have him check out Visual Studio Community Edition, or Eclipse, Node.js, Atom, etc and give it a shot. There are tons of free tutorials online.

I guess since he is a young guy (and if he is anything like me) he won't want to do what his parents suggest. So maybe you need to use inception of some sort :P

For me, the video games thing worked... I was instantly hooked and spent 6-12 hours a day learning everything I could about video game development, including algorithms and data structures, calculus, linear algebra, GPU computing, 2D design, interaction design, color theory, etc. Didn't know I was learning all that stuff at the time, I just wanted to do games. But within a year of learning and participating heavily in the online community (irc chats, forums, and online contests) I was getting job offers, even though I was only 15 at the time.

And if he can get an entry level or internship position doing Development (not tech support or something else) then that would catapult him even further ahead, especially if it's with a good company and doing something that he enjoys.

[Parizade]

Apparently he's really good at it.  He had a paid internship with one of my clients that started out as vanilla IT support but morphed into developing proprietary software for them.

This is going to run counter to all of the "tough love" advice you're getting, but I think the most important thing you can do is be supportive.

Your son knows he screwed up. Even if he's deflecting blame, he likely grasps the gravity of the situation but has no idea how to proceed. Imagine yourself in his situation. It's likely the biggest mistake he's ever made. Now he has to return home and face upset parents and a challenging job market. You're understandably disappointed that he blew this opportunity. Disappointment, however, won't help your son get his life together. Unfortunately, there's nothing your son can do to change his past failures. The focus needs to be on moving forward.

This is going to sound counter-intuitive but build him up. Let him know that this isn't the end of the world. He can still be successful, but he needs to keep moving forward. Suggest that he pursue an entry level IT position. Remind him that he has skills and can add value for an employer. Be positive about a negative situation. College didn't work out (at least this time), so he needs to find another path to gain skills and achieve independence.

I agree 100%. Not to be morbid but suicide is the #2 cause of death in his age range. If he is feeling like a failure and takes the weight of your disappointment to heart he could make a decision that would disappoint you far more than his leaving college did. Help him navigate through this setback and find a reason to be hopeful about the future.

[asiljoy]

Apparently he's really good at it.  He had a paid internship with one of my clients that started out as vanilla IT support but morphed into developing proprietary software for them.

This is going to run counter to all of the "tough love" advice you're getting, but I think the most important thing you can do is be supportive.

Your son knows he screwed up. Even if he's deflecting blame, he likely grasps the gravity of the situation but has no idea how to proceed. Imagine yourself in his situation. It's likely the biggest mistake he's ever made. Now he has to return home and face upset parents and a challenging job market. You're understandably disappointed that he blew this opportunity. Disappointment, however, won't help your son get his life together. Unfortunately, there's nothing your son can do to change his past failures. The focus needs to be on moving forward.

This is going to sound counter-intuitive but build him up. Let him know that this isn't the end of the world. He can still be successful, but he needs to keep moving forward. Suggest that he pursue an entry level IT position. Remind him that he has skills and can add value for an employer. Be positive about a negative situation. College didn't work out (at least this time), so he needs to find another path to gain skills and achieve independence.

I agree 100%. Not to be morbid but suicide is the #2 cause of death in his age range. If he is feeling like a failure and takes the weight of your disappointment to heart he could make a decision that would disappoint you far more than his leaving college did. Help him navigate through this setback and find a reason to be hopeful about the future.

Going to pile on here and agree. And creating a project like that is a fantastic thing to have on a resume!

I don't know where you live, but Minnesota has a Jobs Center that puts on classes to help with this kind of thing: http://mn.gov/deed/job-seekers/workforce-centers/workshops/index.jsp Something to check out in  your area.

[ohana]

Have faith.  My (ultra smart) brother went off to school at 18 and flunked out immediately.  Too many parties, too young to know how to discipline himself.  He was kind of a turd, which he himself will tell you.  He lived at home for 2-3 years while waiting tables, then decided that wasn't much of a life.  So he got a degree in CAD drafting and moved to Virginia Beach.  Did that for 2 years, then decided he wanted a college degree.  At the age of 25 he enrolled at a state school where he did VERY well.  He even joined a frat and had a "big" brother who was 6 years younger than him.  He now is a high-level IT manager for Comcast, lives in my hometown, leads a girl scout group, and has turned into a non-turd.  He's a stand up guy.

My folks were devastated when he flunked out, but he was the prodigal son.  Your son might not succeed now, but he can in the future.  Give him support and love, and another chance. 

[Cassie]

My youngest son was very bright having graduated HS at 16 with a full ride.  Quit after a semester. I was really disappointed but kept it to my self.  He worked crappy jobs for 5 years and then asked if he could return home and live for free so he could go to college and i said yes. He took out loans and I feed him and gave him a place to live. He now has both a BA and Master's degree.  He was not ready when he had the scholarship.  I would be supportive but not coddle. For instance, I would let him live with you but I wouldn't help him find a job and I would expect him to be working within a month of coming home.  Working some really crappy jobs is what motivated my son to return to college.

[onlykelsey]

Some STEM programs deliberately enroll more students than they intend to graduate, and then pile on the difficulty right off the bat in order to "weed out" people.

I'm not a fan of this practice, as it makes an already difficult transition even more overwhelming. And of course the kids who don't make it wind up in a worse situation than if they'd gone with a lesser school or a different major to begin with.

My freshman fall I got a 7/100 on my first calculus exam.  Of course the mean was 10, so it wasn't that bad, but it's a jarring experience for a lot of kids.

[MrsDinero]

One book I recommend is "Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success"

http://www.amazon.com/Failing-Forward-Turning-Mistakes-Stepping/dp/0785288570

i'm not calling your son a failure but he might be feeling that way.  Learning how to LEARN from situations like this will only set him up for future success. 

[Inaya]

Advice would be dependent on why he washed out and where his head is currently?

Some people just aren't ready for college the first time around. It's too much change all at once and without all the safety nets / structure of the high school environment and parents, they just get overwhelmed and shut down. Make a few bad choices, then things just spiral.

You just described my first attempt at college. I was NOT ready, but I was constantly nailed with a barrage of, "So do you just want to live with your parents forever?" and "So do you just want to work at McDonald's forever?" from teachers, the college counselor, my dad... just about everyone. So I caved, went to a school halfway across the country, and made it 3 months before I slipped into a depression so bad I lost chunks of time and have no idea where they went. Like I'd arrive to a class an hour late, but would be absolutely certain I was there at the right time until somebody showed me a clock. They issued a medical withdrawal on my transcript and sent me on my way.

I moved back in with my mom, got a job, and went back to school 1.5 years later when *I* was ready, with no external pressure to do so. I even eventually graduated. There are many routes to success, and going straight into college from high school is only one of those routes.

Some STEM programs deliberately enroll more students than they intend to graduate, and then pile on the difficulty right off the bat in order to "weed out" people. I'm not a fan of this practice, as it makes an already difficult transition even more overwhelming. And of course the kids who don't make it wind up in a worse situation than if they'd gone with a lesser school or a different major to begin with.

This also reflects my experience. My school (STEM/engineering) had a sub-50% graduation rate, and 10-12 semesters was the norm for graduating. There was even a special award for anyone who did it in 4 years or less because it was so uncommon. In some classes, an 18% on a test was considered a passing grade.

[notactiveanymore]

So many good pieces of advice.

I rocked college somehow while battling severe depression and anxiety, even getting a math teaching job for the following semester in February of my senior year. But my mental health issues came to a breaking point and I quit before I started that summer and finally asked for help. It can be really easy to disguise depression and anxiety as laziness, procrastination, type-A, or quirkiness. Maybe your son was a little lazy and a little unprepared, or maybe some mental health issues finally caught up with him. Either way, asking him to go sit down and talk with a mental health professional cannot hurt. Maybe it will come out that he is dealing with an actual mental health disorder, or maybe it will just help him to have someone to talk to. If your insurance covers visits, I'd really recommend asking the son to go for a couple visits.

Sounds like he's got a lot of talent and skill to pursue entry-level IT/programming and figure out a path forward in that profession. I agree with others that it is a field that does not really require formal education so long as you are willing to hustle.

I think in addition to finding a job (IT or otherwise) and paying some amount of rent, I'd look at a "family meeting" with you, your SO, and the son. It would be good to get everyone on the same page with what his responsibilities and freedoms are as an adult living in your house, ie. he probably had a curfew before, maybe now he won't, but as a courteous adult, he'll let you know when to expect him and what his general plans are. Those things don't usually just work themselves out. And from the three close male friends I had who dropped out of 4-year institutions and moved back in with their parents after 1 year of college, I learned that most people don't communicate expectations and usually revert back to child treatment. Basically, you shouldn't be doing your son's laundry or picking up his clothes if he is an adult.

[OurTown]

Good advice from everyone, thanks for all the replies.  The tough love approach vs. helping hand approach is an interesting dilemma.  My intent is to create enough of an economic reality that forces the issue.  Rent (which is due tomorrow!) is at the same level I paid in college in the late 1980s.  That's obviously well below the market rates for a studio apartment in this metro area.  He also has gas, insurance, and future car repair expenses, which will break the bank unless he gets some income.  I don't plan on arranging a job for him this time, but I am providing some contacts.

[Midwest]

In some classes, an 18% on a test was considered a passing grade.

What is the point of designing a test with an 18% passing grade?  I honestly don't get it.

My 12 year old is in Algebra.  All the parents recently received an e-mail apologizing for some kids crying because a test was so hard (my daughter tells me she didn't cry).  I'm all for advanced classes and competition, but not sure the pressure we are putting on kids at a young age is productive. 

To the OP, I suggest requiring a job as a condition of living with you.  Good luck and hopefully he'll find his way.  OP - saw you post above, sounds like a good plan. 

My co-worker has a son who graduated several years ago.  No long term employment.  I suspect the roof over his head makes it surprisingly comfortable to play video games.

[Kaikou]

Apparently he's really good at it.  He had a paid internship with one of my clients that started out as vanilla IT support but morphed into developing proprietary software for them.

This is going to run counter to all of the "tough love" advice you're getting, but I think the most important thing you can do is be supportive.

Your son knows he screwed up. Even if he's deflecting blame, he likely grasps the gravity of the situation but has no idea how to proceed. Imagine yourself in his situation. It's likely the biggest mistake he's ever made. Now he has to return home and face upset parents and a challenging job market. You're understandably disappointed that he blew this opportunity. Disappointment, however, won't help your son get his life together. Unfortunately, there's nothing your son can do to change his past failures. The focus needs to be on moving forward.

This is going to sound counter-intuitive but build him up. Let him know that this isn't the end of the world. He can still be successful, but he needs to keep moving forward. Suggest that he pursue an entry level IT position. Remind him that he has skills and can add value for an employer. Be positive about a negative situation. College didn't work out (at least this time), so he needs to find another path to gain skills and achieve independence.

I agree 100%. Not to be morbid but suicide is the #2 cause of death in his age range. If he is feeling like a failure and takes the weight of your disappointment to heart he could make a decision that would disappoint you far more than his leaving college did. Help him navigate through this setback and find a reason to be hopeful about the future.

Going to pile on here and agree. And creating a project like that is a fantastic thing to have on a resume!

I don't know where you live, but Minnesota has a Jobs Center that puts on classes to help with this kind of thing: http://mn.gov/deed/job-seekers/workforce-centers/workshops/index.jsp Something to check out in  your area.

I was going to recommend the local career center too. He will also see unemployed and underemployed workers might give him a reality check. They will walk him through the whole process of finding work. I say dont hold his hand but walk behind him ready to turn him around when he wants to back out. We dont stop growing and maturing till about 25 maybe even 28. Lol

[nobody123]

I don't plan on arranging a job for him this time, but I am providing some contacts.

Did he ask for them, as in he decided that doing freelance IT stuff is a good option for him at this time, or are you telling him that's what he should do while he figures everything out?  Forcing him into a certain employment path that he may not be excited about might end up leading to another failure, this time damaging your relationship with the contact who ultimately employed him.  I wasn't really sure that I wanted to go to college until I spent a few summers doing physical labor during my teen years.  Maybe letting him find a crappy job and working at it for a few months, then seeing his friends that were home for the summer go back to college in the fall will be a reality check.

Is there a way to re-earn the scholarship (ex: pay his own way while getting his grades up and getting off of academic probation), or is that opportunity closed forever?

[Trudie]

Good advice from everyone, thanks for all the replies.  The tough love approach vs. helping hand approach is an interesting dilemma.  My intent is to create enough of an economic reality that forces the issue.  Rent (which is due tomorrow!) is at the same level I paid in college in the late 1980s.  That's obviously well below the market rates for a studio apartment in this metro area.  He also has gas, insurance, and future car repair expenses, which will break the bank unless he gets some income.  I don't plan on arranging a job for him this time, but I am providing some contacts.

I think you're providing a good balance of structure and support while still requiring him to participate in a solution to this dilemma.  Look at it this way, you're still allowing him to fall (instructive) but like a caring parent you're providing him a safe landing.

My husband works in the academic dean's office of a private liberal arts college, and thus has seen his share of college struggles.  I would echo what everyone else here has said about leaving college not being the end of the world; some kids don't really know why they're on the path they're on.  There's too much pressure, in my opinion, to have it "all figured out" at an age when many aren't prepared to do so.  I think taking some core/prereq courses at a local community college or four-year university while also working is a good way forward.  I've seen many cases of people flaming out early in their college careers, then going back to school in another area down the road and doing very well.

I would echo what others have said here about just being on the lookout for other issues (anxiety, depression) masking themselves in poor college performance.  Unfortunately, such problems are epidemic and you obviously want to help your son.

[Sparafusile]

I can relate to your son. I stayed in college for 5 years, but eventually dropped out with a little over a semester to go before graduation. My parents gave me the whole "get a job, pay rent" speech and that's what I did. It took me 5 months to find a job (~2005 era), but I did eventually find one and become very productive. I also eventually moved out on my own. I went on to create a business and am now self employed and very successful. Don't give up on him just because college didn't work out.

By the way, I'm hiring full time programmers. It's remote work so location doesn't matter. PM me if you think he'd be interested.

[humbleMouse]

There are some borderline creepy helicopter parent responses in this thread.  Your kid is an adult now.  Treat him with respect.  If he is lazy, kick him out of the house.  If he has work ethic, keep him in the house and he will be fine and naturally find his way.

He is going to do what he wants to do.  No amount of helicopter parenting and "getting rid of the TV" will force him to change his ways. 

[tonysemail]

Is there a way to re-earn the scholarship (ex: pay his own way while getting his grades up and getting off of academic probation), or is that opportunity closed forever?

+1 as it happened to me
I flunked my first semester of college and I was sent a letter to withdraw from college.
friends convinced me that i could appeal and I talked to vice provost(?).
At the appointment, I also deflected the blame on extenuating circumstances, when in reality the problem was video game binging.
I guess they see a fair number of these cases and they let me back into the program on academic probation

[randymarsh]

There are some borderline creepy helicopter parent responses in this thread.

I always thought helicopter parenting was when the kids were doing their own thing and the parents needlessly involved themselves when the kid wanted them to just stay out of it. This is kind of the opposite. I mean, the kid is moving back themselves. He helicopter'ed himself!

[Parizade]

There are some borderline creepy helicopter parent responses in this thread.

I always thought helicopter parenting was when the kids were doing their own thing and the parents needlessly involved themselves when the kid wanted them to just stay out of it. This is kind of the opposite. I mean, the kid is moving back themselves. He helicopter'ed himself!

I thought helicopter parenting was when you closed out the kids college accounts and bought a helicopter with the money!

I kid! I kid!

I am kind of confused by the term though.

Thanks for the laugh!

Here's a good description of helicopter parenting
http://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/

I think an important distinction is you should not do things for you children that they can do for themselves (like look for a job). The tricky part is figuring out when anxiety or depression has incapacitated them so they really CAN'T do things they should be able to do for themselves. Then the help needs to be offered gently, with lots of love and respect, and only enough to get them independent again.

[Tester]

I will first say that I almost flunked out of college.
I had to repeat one year because I did not pass an exam.
I did not have great grades for other courses, but for the ones I liked I had 8 out of 10 easily, for some even better (the ones where I put more effort into learning).
I was (still am) lazy and if  don't enjoy something I have a hard time doing it.
Plus I was young and cared more for going out instead of learning.
The good part was that I was staying at home, I did not have to pay taxes for school...

More, the fact that I failed that exam meant I could not continue in the more sought Computer Science part of the program - I continued with the Automatic Control part - where I chose Robotics.
Well, that was the best thing - because the "pure" CS track missed good teachers as they were almost all leaving to the USA to work for Microsoft :).
In my track I had teachers which also had private companies in the field they were teaching so they explained what the equations meant in real life.
So I had a very easy time liking almost all of it and getting good grades.

After I finished college I did not find a job in the programming industry right away (I had good skills but no experience), but I got a job right away.
Even before I earned money with some part time jobs/side projects.

Now I am an SDET (Software Development Engineer in Test) and a lot of it is thanks to that period.

So, what I would do is:
1. Support him - I still remember how I felt when I told my parents that I had to repeat the year. It was not good at all.
2. Don't support him too much. If he has too much comfort it will hurt more than help.
3. He has to get a job. Any job but he has to work. And I know this will take time from his "passion". But if it is a passion he will find a way to make it happen.
If he gets a job he will get discipline, understand how much he can make in that field and if his wants align with the prospects.
4. If he has a video gaming problem try to find a solution for that. It can really get you away from doing good things.

[Kaspian]

Yep, get a job and pay rent.

I dropped out of college too.  Know why?  Because guidance councillors at my high school simply encouraged people to go on to college by taking their favorite subjects.  I thought that's what everyone does so they must be right.  Well, apparently I loved history for an hour a day but living and breathing it 24/7 for years in an academic environment totally sucked ass. Didn't take me long to get sick of that bullshit.

[OurTown]

This is apparently a hot topic.  Interesting replies from both the parent side as well as the (former) student side.  Thanks to all.

[Fishindude]

One more comment ....
Don't get too bent out of shape about it.  It's not like he's in legal trouble, ill health, or anything real serious.  He will find his path in life.
You'll look back on this one day and realize it wasn't that big of a deal.

[Inaya]

One more comment ....
Don't get too bent out of shape about it.  It's not like he's in legal trouble, ill health, or anything real serious.  He will find his path in life.
You'll look back on this one day and realize it wasn't that big of a deal.

Everything in the student side of this thread is resonating from me: from not being ready for college, to depression/anxiety issues, to failing classes I wasn't interested in, to video game addiction. I've already commented, but I wanted to respond to this in particular. By the time I went back to college the second time, my dad and I were pretty estranged. He was ashamed of me for dropping out, and I was sick of the lectures and feeling like a failure all the time because the path I took was not HIS path.

That relationship was only salvaged years later because he finally was able to see me as an adult rather than a child he had to control (or live vicariously through, or trot out in front of his friends as an example of stellar parenting--no I'm not resentful; why do you ask?). One of the first things he said to me when we reconciled was, "You know, I was so discouraged when you dropped out of school that I felt like a failure. But then I realized that I cared about the wrong things. It didn't matter to me that you never got pregnant, arrested, or killed. It only mattered that you weren't doing things the way I, as your parent, told you to. Yet you made the right choices on your own, without me there to tell you what to do."

His path might not be your path. His decisions might not be your decisions. But he is an adult and free to make those decisions. And regardless of whether they're right or wrong, they do not reflect on you or your parenting. It's like teaching him to ride a bike. You need to let go of the handlebars, and he might fall. If he does, help him tend his wounds, help him back on the bike--but don't take the handle bars again. Just be sure to keep a box of band-aids around.

[Dee18]

Figure out what terms he is on with the school.  If he just left, mid-semester, make sure he withdrew from his classes.  If he did not, help him accomplish that so he does not end up with a semester of Fs on his transcript that will follow him everywhere.  This can just about always be accomplished, but your help may be key here.  This is really worth doing!  Have him write any professors he did have a good relationship with--thanking them and saying he is taking a break from college and realizes he wasn't ready for it....or whatever is true.  He may be able to return there in the future, or he may not want to.  But help him learn to not burn bridges unnecessarily.  I have friends whose son was kicked out for selling marijuana; they decided to just let him deal with it.  He did not understand a notice he received that required a prompt response in order for him to be reinstated after a semester, with his scholarship renewed.  So he was not readmitted and wound up with a string of Fs.  Yes your son needs to learn how to be an adult, but help him through the transition.  I'm a professor and I have a daughter who is a freshman in CS at a tough school. She is totally worn out by the academic challenges (was a star high school student and is on a full scholarship).  I am hoping she can hold it together for the rest of the semester, but I am amazed at how much harder her freshman year is than mine was.  (I was at a large state school where even the honors classes weren't that much work.)

[budgetjones]

I feel you. My child lost his scholarship, academic probation and eventual dismissal after two years. I knew that the college had a 60% graduation rate, but never thought it would happen to him. Video gaming rather than partying or drugs is the issue. Went back part time and eventually lost interest. At 22 and still with no direction, I am convinced there is underlying depression and anxiety, even though he comes across as mellow and happy. Luckily no drugs or alcohol problems and he is almost too easy to deal with. No signs of becoming independent though. I hold myself together with the knowledge that he is a smart kid and when he wants to get going he will be able to. This is common I think with this generation. I have a cousin whose kid is 27 and at home, but at least he graduated. The comments of those who were in a similar situation in their early 20s and now are productive, independent and happy are useful.

[freeat57]

I'm a former professor in a STEM field and have seen students like your son many times.  It was always frustrating to me that, in most cases, reaching out to them was fruitless.  Here are my speculations and one hopeful example.  In some cases, they are truly overwhelmed by the college experience.  Not only are they actually expected to work hard and be self-motivated, but the competition is more serious than it was in most high schools.  At the same time, they are dealing with social pressures and the unfamiliar territory of being responsible for their own decisions and schedule.  Others just decide that they really don't want to do what they thought they did, or what parents expect them to do.  I saw several students flunk out of science classes and end up very happy and challenged in a different major.

About 3 years ago, I had one very bright student, who just couldn't seem to get it all together.  I watched as he became more and more discouraged and slipped further behind.  (He looked like heck too.) He dropped out.  The next academic year, he showed up in my class again.  He looked completely different, sat on the front row, engaged in Q and A, and earned an "A" in the class.  He freely told me that he had gotten a complete work-up from a physician and had been diagnosed with ADD and depression.  Apparently the correct meds and treatment from his physician led to a new lease on life for him.  I was thrilled when he asked me to write a med school recommendation letter for him.

Best wishes to you and your son!