Author Topic: 35 with $350k - what next?  (Read 2590 times)

johndoe1024

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35 with $350k - what next?
« on: November 15, 2019, 02:23:56 PM »
Mostly just thinking out loud from a throwaway account. Not even sure what my question is other than "what should I do with my life?"

I truly think I'm one of the luckiest humans on the planet, born in the right place at the right time to the right parents for everything in my life to be as easy as possible. I'm a 6'5 Ironman who speaks four languages fluently, have an engineering degree from one of the top schools in the US, friends across the world and a $350k net worth at age 35. Nobody in my life other than a few grandparents has been seriously ill or died, I've never experienced violence, war, or abuse of any kind. I haven't even had to work full time in several years since I switched to freelancing and cut down to 3-4 days a week.

All that said, I've had a chronic anxiety problem for pretty much all of my adult life. My best description of how I feel is that I became severely depressed in my late adolescence from being a nerdy teenager scared of never getting laid, and my brain seems to have found a way out by dulling all my negative and positive emotions so that the world feels slightly unreal, pretty much 100% of the time. Being in this state both induces even more anxiety and makes me depressed (what if it never gets better?), causing a vicious cycle. My diagnoses have been for anxiety and depression although for a time I was convinced I had depersonalization disorder - from learning more about the latter over the years, though, I've come to think it's more a garden variety anxiety issue with a dissociative aspect or feeling.

I've tried lots of different combinations of talk therapy, prescription drugs, and non-prescription substances to improve this condition. The only thing that seems to have made a dent was my first few days on bupropion, and a few of my experiences with psilocybin. Both of these I think worked well because I believed before and during their use that they were fundamentally different from the things I'd tried before and thus might work, and as soon as something happened, they managed to unlock enough genuine optimism that the cycle was broken, at least for a time.

I'm at a crossroads now with one of my bigger freelance gigs ending. I feel like the vast majority of the people in the world would kill to be in my position. A bunch of money in the bank, no obligations, and many many options. But I've just been paralyzed by dread about making a decision on what to do next. The rational part of me thinks that my top priority needs to be addressing my mental health. But I'm not even sure what that means - the only viable tool that I feel I haven't fully explored is psychedelic therapy. If it were someone else, I would encourage them to focus on their life and try to ignore anxious feelings, as feeding them tends to just make them worse - but I've been dealing with this for more than fifteen years and that hasn't really made things better.

Some of the options for next life steps I'm considering:

1. Take a $150k/yr job offer in another city where my brother lives. I applied on a whim to practice interviewing and was surprised to get the offer. I don't particularly want to move from the city I live in (although the weather is better there) and this could be a bit stressful professionally but if I were career-driven, it would be a no brainer as it's a pretty high profile company in my industry, and I enjoyed all the people I met during the interview.

2. Try to start over with my ex in another country. I broke up with her a year ago, we still love each other deeply and have been in touch a lot since then, but I felt we weren't a good long term match partly because she leans toward wanting children and I lean toward not wanting them. Also she has some issues with depression herself which is both a blessing and a curse as she's very understanding and empathetic to how I feel, but both of us being in a negative place at the same time can be kind of heavy. I do miss her and feel better around her, but dragging things out if it's not going to work out in the end feels cruel to both of us.

3. Leave everything for a while and take a trip for a few months. This feels more like an escape fantasy than an actual plan. But I wonder if really letting go of all obligations and expectations for a while, and taking some time to explore the paths to healing that have resonated with me could be the best choice.

Every time I feel like I settle on one direction, the pangs of fear and guilt from missing out on the others grip me and I start seriously doubting. Mostly I just stare at the screen and engage in various mindless distractions like reading the MMM forums to procrastinate on making a decision.

maginvizIZ

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Re: 35 with $350k - what next?
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2019, 04:21:35 PM »
#2 sounds like a bad option.  There's a reason why you break up with someone else.  It sounds like a convenient thing to do... Not necessarily a "shes the one" kind of move.  Just IMO.

Holy F*** a $150k job?  Whats your annual expenses?  How many years would it take to get you to FI?


If you do not want to have kids, I vote you should take the time off.  Without kids, your expenses should be pretty consistent/locked to what it currently is.  Especially if you are over 50% FI, I'd take the time off.   This could be a good "practice" year to see if being FIRE is right for you.  After a year, you'll either find out 1. Holy fuck I want to FIRE so badly; I'm willing to take a $150k job I dont like to get me there ASAP; 2. Holy fuck I don't want to RE; meaning I don't need to rush getting there, meaning I can be picky with my job and take a lower paying job, but is enjoyable.

Assuming you think you can land a $150k job after your sabbatical, and assuming you're over 50% FI, I'd take a break from work.  Focus on your mental health and find ways to improve it.  You don't want to be 50 and think "fuck I wish I took a break at 35 and traveled the world".

use2betrix

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Re: 35 with $350k - what next?
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2019, 05:35:55 PM »
I know you said you’re an Ironman, but are you constantly training for them? Do you constantly get tons of exercise every week?

I’ve had bad anxiety my whole life and have done all sorts of things to mitigate it. I’ve found that exercise helps the most, a good diet helps, adequate sleep helps.. This month I just finally got prescribed an anxiety med (as needed) for the first time. I use it as directed and it certainly helps, but I’m wary to get too reliant on it.

What are your expenses like? $350k is certainly good, but for someone who can seemingly get a $150k job pretty easily, it’s nothing too crazy. Unless of course you’ve just been making like $50k and spending $20k for a long time.

I think a sabbatical is great. I worked non-stop 60-70 hr weeks for 7-8 years and then in 2017 took a 4 month sabbatical, worked 4 months, then took another 4 month sabbatical. I was 28 at the time and it was one of my greatest life experiences to date. I had no idea how I would handle the time off, due to anxiety about always working, needing my routines, etc. I was truly amazed that I can actually RELAX. I’ve now been working a ton again since December 2017 with very little time off and a ton of hours, but I’m getting to FIRE so rapidly that there’s no way I can walk away and just take a sabbatical. I’m a contractor so eventually I’ll either get laid off, or FIRE in a few years..

mozar

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Re: 35 with $350k - what next?
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2019, 09:10:19 PM »
I recommend the books "It's not always depression " and "Quitter" by jon acuff. The most helpful part of the book Quiiter was when he said you don't have to have a plan. Or a direction. That was such a relief for me. Also people in my circle like to say "it's not the pain Olympics " meaning there doesn't have to be an amount or type of pain that meets a threshold to get sympathy.  The pain you are in is valid. Let yourself be in a place with no answers for awhile. You don't have to physically be somewhere else. It can take months or years to heal.

Beach_Stache

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Re: 35 with $350k - what next?
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2019, 06:29:14 AM »
I agree that #2 sounds like a bad option.  You guys can certainly be great friends, but it doesn't sound like you're "better together", but more people who understand each other. 

If you don't ever want to have kids and spending large amounts of money on family/housing isn't in your future, then you really don't need the $150k/year job, you can work at home depot and probably be just fine.

I certainly cannot relate to depression as I've never had that issue, so can't speak to any of the issues you're going through, however when I get down on my day or being in a job w/no upward mobility, I get a lot of pleasure out of going to the gym and being around other like-minded people and I also really enjoy working in the community.  I coach a bunch of soccer teams and working w/young people is a pleasure and helps you feel like more a part of the community, helping others, etc.  I gain more from that than my 9-5 job as I feel like what I do in the community actually matters, whether it's weeding in a community garden, mentoring, volunteering time, etc.

Not sure if that's your bag at all?  But I always feel a lot better when I feel like I'm having a positive impact on other human beings.

LightStache

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Re: 35 with $350k - what next?
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2019, 11:45:23 AM »
Oh man your story is so relatable to me. I'll point out something you probably already know, but didn't acknowledge in your post: you seem to feel guilty for having anxiety while also having a privileged life. Like "I should be happy with all of this, but I'm not, which means I'm ungrateful, which is a character flaw." But the source of your unhappiness is your mental health, not your material life. So I, random guy from the interwebs, think it would be good for you to work on self-compassion. Having anxiety for 15 years actually does suck and it's ok to feel bad about it without the judging caveat "the vast majority of the people in the world would kill to be in my position." Sorry if this is unwelcome commentary or if I'm just projecting myself on to you.

On to your planning... I wonder to what extent being a freelancer exacerbates your anxiety. If it does then I would recommend finding a 9-5 in the city where you want to live. But there's no indication in your post that it does, so I recommend just continuing along on your current professional trajectory.

I like the idea of a three month mental health trip. Maybe you could do an ayahuasca ceremony at the beginning of the trip. It might work, it might not. Then go out of your way to regain a sense of wonder and repoint your emotions. Go to a night market in Taipei, hookup on the beach in Portugal (careful not get get sand in "there"), explore an ancient town on a Baltic island, volunteer at a clinic in Africa and cry your brains out. It might have a meaningful impact or it might not, but the cost is low -- three months lost wages -- crazy not to try it.

frugaldrummer

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Re: 35 with $350k - what next?
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2019, 12:08:15 PM »
About anxiety:
It can be situational (sounds like, from your description of your life, it’s not.)
It can be due to old childhood trauma - if so, goid therapy would help.
But it can also be strictly physiological. Don’t forget to look for medical causes.

I’m not an anxious person, I roll with the punches and usually keep an even keel and upbeat mood. However, when I was perimenopausal in my 40’s, once a month I would wake up with crushing anxiety at three in the morning, worrying about something that in the light of day was no big deal. The next day I would always get my period -it was completely hormonal!

Things to consider in physical causes of anxiety:
Low testosterone - overtraining can cause a drop in testosterone
Low cortisol
Low thyroid
Low blood sugar
Microbiome - the good bacteria in your gut play a role in mood regulation
MTHFR homozygous mutations - this pathway produces methylfolate, which is a cofactors for enzymes that make neurotransmitters. People with a double mutation may benefit from a medicinal dose of methylfolate (rx Deplin) for chronic depression or anxiety

Consider seeing an integrative physician.

highflyingstache

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Re: 35 with $350k - what next?
« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2019, 12:34:33 PM »
I think maybe we could consider taking a left at this juncture.

If anxiety or your future direction problems are a question, instead of answering the question, perhaps we could revert more to the source. I really appreciate a lot of variety you have in life. The lack of fear of travel, Ironman, freelancing. As opposed to trying to put a bandaid on the situation, perhaps a time of introspection. How do you really feel, what causes those feelings. Being on a personal finance forum, you're going to be surrounded by financial answers. Instead, perhaps it's time to slow down and see what works. I know I don't like the gym atmosphere, but enjoy physical fitness. Competition bothers me, but I still like to move. The net result; I don't compete, I find activities like hiking to get myself moving and not being subjected to other peoples performance. I know I like to eat healthy, but make bad choices under pressure from friends and family. I'm financially conservative and very goal oriented. These small hints provide me a much more stable day to day than if I look at the bigger picture.

In essence, they allow me to do things like live in a city I don't particularly like, while finding things that make it bearable (the book Happy City comes to mind as a source of inspiration). I'm going the opposite route of your question on purpose: I'm allowing things I truly enjoy to be a major part of my life, while accepting some suffering in manageable ways. Hence my advocacy, perhaps take some time to listen to your own breathing, instead of focusing on sprinting to the finish.

herbgeek

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Re: 35 with $350k - what next?
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2019, 06:26:12 AM »
I can't speak to the mental health issues, as I have no personal experience in them.

Would it be possible to take a sabbatical and focus it on helping others less fortunate?  That seems to have helped people I know that suffer from anxiety- it helps them to get out of their head and focusing on themselves to using their talents to make other people's lives better.  It has soothed their anxiety to some degree, to feel that they are making a definitive difference.