Author Topic: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders  (Read 34594 times)

Rural

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #100 on: July 28, 2015, 07:01:32 AM »
Just curious how they got $2 mill and nobody noticed…did one of them have a really good paying job if so then it would seem obvious they were lying when they said they were poor…unless they lied about what one of them was doing ha

Sound like terrible friends.

He worked normally but she worked under the table as a babysitter for teachers kids, but you really don't know exactly how much people make unless it is a job like a teacher where salary scales are posted. He was an only child so an inheritance could have kicked in.

This whole discussion has been fascinating. I am going to start a thread on cheap vs. frugal in general.

By the way, she called and we had a nice talk. Time will tell. I am back home now so won't be seeing them in person, so we will see


I'm glad to hear this. I'd actually wondered, given her disclosure and seeming to be sorry for the deception and his over-the-top anger, just how controlling he is in their relationship.

GardenFun

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #101 on: July 28, 2015, 07:38:59 AM »
Just curious how they got $2 mill and nobody noticed…did one of them have a really good paying job if so then it would seem obvious they were lying when they said they were poor…unless they lied about what one of them was doing ha

Sound like terrible friends.

He worked normally but she worked under the table as a babysitter for teachers kids, but you really don't know exactly how much people make unless it is a job like a teacher where salary scales are posted. He was an only child so an inheritance could have kicked in.

This whole discussion has been fascinating. I am going to start a thread on cheap vs. frugal in general.

By the way, she called and we had a nice talk. Time will tell. I am back home now so won't be seeing them in person, so we will see


I'm glad to hear this. I'd actually wondered, given her disclosure and seeming to be sorry for the deception and his over-the-top anger, just how controlling he is in their relationship.

+1.  One has remorse, the other one doesn't. 

HazelStone

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #102 on: July 28, 2015, 07:58:45 AM »
I've noticed certain people just don't have what I call "generosity of spirit." I avoid being friends with those people.

"Generosity of spirit" isn't a dollar amount or a tit-for-tat accounting; it's an attitude.

I am SO borrowing that phrase. DH and I have a pair of friends who have sailed past "frugal" and far into "cheap." They don't eat others' "nice" stuff when they bring stuff of questionable quality to a gathering; they are consistent in their lifestyle, but they've also got some social adjustment issues. Part of the problem is that they are  oblivious to certain mores. Can't claim "cultural differences," they are the same background as most of the people in our group. Fine, whatever. Eat dinner before visiting, take tiny bit of processed mystery meat set out to be polite. They make similar money to others in our social circle, neither have student loans, etc. They do well. They're just...cheap. And it takes a LOT for me or DH to call someone cheap.

Except they have asked favors before, and never return them. We've helped them *move.* I won't disclose what their idea of "reciprocation" was, in case they hang out on this forum as well! DH and I have decided that we'll hang out with them within a certain scope, but "helping out" any farther is off the table.

The phrase above describes the mindset perfectly. Thank you for that.

Cookie78

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #103 on: July 28, 2015, 08:02:57 AM »
The thought that keeps running through my head reading this thread is that you really are not obligated to provide any reason when declining an invitation. I can see perhaps this would waiver when dealing with family, but as I said in another post here, an invitation is not a summons: you are free to decline for your own reasons and leave it at that.

I'd recommend something along the lines of "Thank you so much for the invitation. We can't make it this time but look forward to spending time with you soon." Full stop. End of story. Stop talking and fight the urge to justify yourself. You are an adult, you are in control of your money, you do not need to provide any more explanation. If they press, you can add in something like "Thank you but we will not be available".

I like the idea someone else mentioned of turning around and inviting them to something else cheaper in the near future so you really do seem like you want to spend time with the invitee (unless that is not true!). They are in turn, free to accept or decline as they see fit. No need for anyone to get judge-y about others' values.

Exactly this. The trouble starts when you start trying to come up with excuses, especially when those excuses are based on money.

This thread makes me appreciate my friends and family in a whole new way.

Potterquilter

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #104 on: July 28, 2015, 09:10:52 AM »
I've noticed certain people just don't have what I call "generosity of spirit." I avoid being friends with those people.

"Generosity of spirit" isn't a dollar amount or a tit-for-tat accounting; it's an attitude.

Yes, this is it.  what got everyone so angry and betrayed was the fact that we are a pretty mustacian group.  My friends try to live below their means,  try not to waste money and so on.  But we are also generous.

crispy

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #105 on: July 28, 2015, 10:48:05 AM »
I've noticed certain people just don't have what I call "generosity of spirit." I avoid being friends with those people.

"Generosity of spirit" isn't a dollar amount or a tit-for-tat accounting; it's an attitude.

I use this phrase a lot, too.  Some people would just rather take than give, and I don't have time for people like that anymore.  Relationships should be balanced and that's not always about money.  It's about give and take, having each other's back, etc.

G-dog

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #106 on: July 28, 2015, 02:47:44 PM »
I've noticed certain people just don't have what I call "generosity of spirit." I avoid being friends with those people.

"Generosity of spirit" isn't a dollar amount or a tit-for-tat accounting; it's an attitude.

Yes, this is it.  what got everyone so angry and betrayed was the fact that we are a pretty mustacian group.  My friends try to live below their means,  try not to waste money and so on.  But we are also generous.

Just like happiness is not about or created by having money or things, neither is generosity. No personal relationships are really about money or things ..... Those are just tools, or symptoms.

Midwest

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #107 on: July 28, 2015, 03:01:19 PM »
I've noticed certain people just don't have what I call "generosity of spirit." I avoid being friends with those people.

"Generosity of spirit" isn't a dollar amount or a tit-for-tat accounting; it's an attitude.

I use this phrase a lot, too.  Some people would just rather take than give, and I don't have time for people like that anymore.  Relationships should be balanced and that's not always about money.  It's about give and take, having each other's back, etc.

Well said.  I have trouble with "takers" in a friendship.  Balance is the key.

BBC

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Re: "Poor friends" are really mooching money hoarders
« Reply #108 on: August 06, 2015, 04:32:41 PM »
Great post OP!.  Its good to see someone with the stones to confront people. 

The husbands anger is driven by the fact that his long con has been ruined. 

Part of being an adult with different kinds of friends is understanding different peoples circumstances.  Some people are just oblivious and don't think before they make offers.  You might risk offense by exclusion, but you also risk offense by offering something that you should know the person cannot afford to do.  My good friend is a divorced friend with 5 children can't do what my other friend with a "time piece" buying habit can do.  I know this and account for it BEFORE I try and make plans. 

Some people are so cheap that they don't care if they are others turned off by the habits or lack lack of social graces they exhibit.

As for friends and favors, to me that is a personal issue.  I'll be honest, I am keeping track.  "Can I get a ride to the airport?" is really asking for 1-3 hours of my time depending time of day and 1/4 of a tank of gas.  The private airport service is $45.  The light rail is $3 but takes 4X as long with no traffic.  So if I give you a ride to the airport, I want a ride in exchange.  I will often check on my friends cat when they are away and get some Chinese food in return.  Its a good deal.  :)  I have a friend who will help anyone anytime, yet he will never ask for anything, so I never ask him for anything. 

And my Mom taught me to never go to someones house with cake!!!