Author Topic: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K  (Read 30291 times)

meghan88

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #100 on: February 09, 2016, 06:50:44 PM »
People have all sorts of preferences for relationships - I have heard several women say they don't want to date someone more attractive than them (which completely baffles me).  I have heard people say they want to marry someone smarter than them (I can't find it, but there was a whole thread in off-topic after serpentstooth said she deliberately married someone smarter than her).  I might not at all respect those views, but better to have them in the open, so people who are compatible with them can find you.

I love daymare's comments and many others on this thread - a lot of very astute observations. 

Regarding not wanting to date someone more attractive than they are, sometimes it comes down to not wanting to deal with all of the noise (snide remarks, flirty acquaintances, etc.).  I hear the same thing from male friends who have an attractive female partner - they get tired of other guys' remarks, stares, etc.  Tough skins are needed sometimes if the true desire is for compatible priorities that have nothing to do with window dressing.

It's easy enough to generalize that bimbos and himbos belong together, or someone from either group can opt to pair up with a non-looker who can afford them the lifestyle they feel they deserve.  Cue the lavish weddings and soon-to-be-worthless jewelry (shudder).

Obtaining hotness in a partner can be expensive and, conversely, being "kept" can also be emotionally expensive if the keeper (male or female) just wants the arm candy and/or aura of a Stepford-ish life.

bb11

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #101 on: February 10, 2016, 10:15:07 AM »
Very good points Meghan88.

Psychstache

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #102 on: February 10, 2016, 10:41:24 AM »
To be fair, I wouldn't date a man who makes less than $100k either.

I also wouldn't date a man who makes more than $100k.

My wife would be rather unhappy with either scenario. ;)

So your wife wants you to date a man who makes exactly $100k, then.    ;)

Vertical Mode

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #103 on: February 10, 2016, 11:40:48 AM »
This caused a (predictable) firestorm, which some of you may remember seeing:

http://dailyprincetonian.com/opinion/2013/03/letter-to-the-editor-advice-for-the-young-women-of-princeton-the-daughters-i-never-had/

RE: the 100k threshold - even though she says this, it's my impression that it isn't actually an income floor that she wants; I think she's struggling to articulate what exactly she wants and has instead pegged it to an arbitrary monetary benchmark.

A 100k income could be thought of as a proxy for "having your shit together career-wise and on stable footing". Or, perhaps what she's after is a feeling of security in her relationships, and is conflating financial resources with stability and the relationship high-ground. Or, perhaps she bore witness to money-related anguish at home growing up and wants to head off such issues for herself (by surrounding herself with bounty). Agree with sol upthread that the manner in which this is expressed is somewhat repellent, however.

Either way, she's missing part of the picture in her assessment: Many truly wealthy people have significant assets, yet don't earn 100k, and especially not according to the tax man. If indeed her preferences can be traced back to a misguided quest for resource security, her narrow scope may be missing fire in pursuit of smoke.

My own experience with dating and relationships suggests to me that maybe humans are really terrible at determining exactly what we're looking for in a partner. If my GF and I had crossed paths via a dating site, I likely never would have given her a chance because the construct I had in my head of the "ideal partner" would have gotten in the way.

gimp

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #104 on: February 11, 2016, 02:27:55 PM »
The shit-storm causing article is a pretty good one. And honestly, the author is right. Life is pretty weird when biologically we are pretty much best suited for having kids around 18-28, and societally it's creeping up to 30+, even 35+, for people who want/need careers. (And obviously that the context of marriage is almost always about having kids at the base level, though obviously there's more to it, but people tend not to get married until they're strongly considering kids [or just getting on in the years] in my experience.)

dandarc

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #105 on: February 11, 2016, 02:34:39 PM »
My own experience with dating and relationships suggests to me that maybe humans are really terrible at determining exactly what we're looking for in a partner. If my GF and I had crossed paths via a dating site, I likely never would have given her a chance because the construct I had in my head of the "ideal partner" would have gotten in the way.
My wife has told me several times that it is good I didn't answer any of the more politically-charged questions on OKCupid for the same reason.

palebluedot

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #106 on: February 14, 2016, 05:34:52 PM »
My own experience with dating and relationships suggests to me that maybe humans are really terrible at determining exactly what we're looking for in a partner. If my GF and I had crossed paths via a dating site, I likely never would have given her a chance because the construct I had in my head of the "ideal partner" would have gotten in the way.

Yeah, we usually don't get good at something until we do it many times. Unfortunately given our lifespan, it's really difficult to become good at dating several people long-term to really know what we want in a relationship.

Quote

People tend to be bad at knowing what they want from a relationship

Studies have shown people to be generally bad, when single, at predicting what later turn out to be their actual relationship preferences. One study found that speed daters questioned about their relationship preferences usually prove themselves wrong just minutes later with what they show to prefer in the actual event.4

This shouldn’t be a surprise—in life, you usually don’t get good at something until you’ve done it a bunch of times. Unfortunately, not many people have a chance to be in more than a few, if any, serious relationships before they make their big decision. There’s just not enough time. And given that a person’s partnership persona and relationship needs are often quite different from the way they are as a single person, it’s hard as a single person to really know what you want or need from a relationship.

More at Wait But Why: http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

clarkfan1979

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #107 on: February 29, 2016, 01:11:03 AM »
If you keep your expenses low, it is very possible to support yourself in grad school. The norm was free tuition and a 15K stipend. The attitude is the problem, not grad school.

sol

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #108 on: February 29, 2016, 08:17:02 AM »
If you keep your expenses low, it is very possible to support yourself in grad school. The norm was free tuition and a 15K stipend. The attitude is the problem, not grad school.

That was the norm for everyone I knew in grad school, too, but those were all STEM folks.  I suspect that is not the norm if you get a PhD in medieval literate or interpretive dance.

MgoSam

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #109 on: February 29, 2016, 11:57:08 AM »
If you keep your expenses low, it is very possible to support yourself in grad school. The norm was free tuition and a 15K stipend. The attitude is the problem, not grad school.

That was the norm for everyone I knew in grad school, too, but those were all STEM folks.  I suspect that is not the norm if you get a PhD in medieval literate or interpretive dance.

Depends, I know a few history Phd students when I was getting my undergrad. They all were TA's and I believe (memory is hazy) they earned free tuition and something around $20k as a stipident (for two semesters). One guy said that was enough for him to live off of (rent, entertainment, food, ect), but not enough to save and he was largely happy that he wasn't getting into debt (he became a professor at a school a year after he said this). I don't think this is a bad deal, but I could be wrong.

On the other hand, my sister's husband got his Phd in a business field and they didn't charge him tuition (that school's business school didn't charge for Phds, I guess they earn their money through MBAs and I don't know how typical this is for other business schools). He earned enough his first year as a Phd to pay off any student loans (from undergrad) and all other loans. He regularly saves at least 25% of his income (this is with a mortgage, a largely SAHM, and with three children, all in a Boston suburb). I suspect he's a mustachian, but he's also someone that told me I would be stupid to consider FIRE with less than $2M.

bb11

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #110 on: March 03, 2016, 01:12:53 PM »
Revisiting this a couple weeks later; not sure the context of the grad school discussion. But I think the norm is to pursue a Master's, not a Phd. There are certainly much more grad students in master's programs than Phd's. And for them their is almost always no stipend, and usually a large tuition bill.

BFGirl

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #111 on: March 03, 2016, 02:59:58 PM »
Grim Squeaker: They were in the Human Ecology School. Majors, IIRC, were Nutrition, Early Childhood Development, Textiles, Biology, Design and Environmental Analysis. I may have missed a couple. Anyway, although most of my sisters ended up on a different path, I have great respect for the Home Arts. Kids used to take Home Ec in school, and that was where they learned great life skills like how to balance a household budget, cook a healthy meal, and sew and mend clothing. I wish they did more of that kind of teaching today.
I didn't mean to imply women couldn't go on to do great things or that it wasn't valuable skills. They have since closed the department at my school, it wasn't as science based as Cornell and the job placement I think was much lower than Cornell. What I did imply was that very smart young ladies from outside the major centers would attend the university to meet potentially better husbands. The rewards for attending school were pretty great; a chance for a career and the chance to marry a Doctor.

 
A bunch of my sorority sisters at Cornell were in Human Ecology (formerly Home Ec). Hmm. They are all FI. One was in strategic planning at a Megacorp, one did textile restoration in museums, two are MDs, three are attorneys, one is a full professor at a top 20 university. Nope, don't think they were there to get MRS degrees.
Your rebuttal example is focused on ladies who had other degrees though; 6 of 8 of your examples had degrees on top of Home Ec. (MD, Law, Doctorate). I'm not really seeing how Home Economics on its own is great, from your example it seems you need to get a second degree before you can achieve FI in 75% of the cases. It seem like your example were career women who wanted advanced education, how many with only a bachelors became a "MRS"? Are you saying that it didn't exist at Cornell among the undergrads? Do you think less of girls who do this?

Ugh...marrying a doctor isn't all its cracked up to be.  No offense meant PhysicianOnFire.

ender

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #112 on: March 04, 2016, 06:05:34 AM »
I have considered a lot whether I could have been a doctor or not, but in the end I always recognize the lifestyle... is just horrible for having a family.

Sure, you can MMM it and retire at 40 since you will be able to pull in tons of money when you start working at 31 or whatever age you are after med school/residency but... the time period getting to 40 will be much more miserable than my engineering/software development route has been so far.

The Happy Philosopher

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #113 on: March 04, 2016, 08:12:29 AM »
Grim Squeaker: They were in the Human Ecology School. Majors, IIRC, were Nutrition, Early Childhood Development, Textiles, Biology, Design and Environmental Analysis. I may have missed a couple. Anyway, although most of my sisters ended up on a different path, I have great respect for the Home Arts. Kids used to take Home Ec in school, and that was where they learned great life skills like how to balance a household budget, cook a healthy meal, and sew and mend clothing. I wish they did more of that kind of teaching today.
I didn't mean to imply women couldn't go on to do great things or that it wasn't valuable skills. They have since closed the department at my school, it wasn't as science based as Cornell and the job placement I think was much lower than Cornell. What I did imply was that very smart young ladies from outside the major centers would attend the university to meet potentially better husbands. The rewards for attending school were pretty great; a chance for a career and the chance to marry a Doctor.

 
A bunch of my sorority sisters at Cornell were in Human Ecology (formerly Home Ec). Hmm. They are all FI. One was in strategic planning at a Megacorp, one did textile restoration in museums, two are MDs, three are attorneys, one is a full professor at a top 20 university. Nope, don't think they were there to get MRS degrees.
Your rebuttal example is focused on ladies who had other degrees though; 6 of 8 of your examples had degrees on top of Home Ec. (MD, Law, Doctorate). I'm not really seeing how Home Economics on its own is great, from your example it seems you need to get a second degree before you can achieve FI in 75% of the cases. It seem like your example were career women who wanted advanced education, how many with only a bachelors became a "MRS"? Are you saying that it didn't exist at Cornell among the undergrads? Do you think less of girls who do this?

Ugh...marrying a doctor isn't all its cracked up to be.  No offense meant PhysicianOnFire.
Being married to a doctor is awesome ;)

BFGirl

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #114 on: March 04, 2016, 09:43:07 AM »
Grim Squeaker: They were in the Human Ecology School. Majors, IIRC, were Nutrition, Early Childhood Development, Textiles, Biology, Design and Environmental Analysis. I may have missed a couple. Anyway, although most of my sisters ended up on a different path, I have great respect for the Home Arts. Kids used to take Home Ec in school, and that was where they learned great life skills like how to balance a household budget, cook a healthy meal, and sew and mend clothing. I wish they did more of that kind of teaching today.
I didn't mean to imply women couldn't go on to do great things or that it wasn't valuable skills. They have since closed the department at my school, it wasn't as science based as Cornell and the job placement I think was much lower than Cornell. What I did imply was that very smart young ladies from outside the major centers would attend the university to meet potentially better husbands. The rewards for attending school were pretty great; a chance for a career and the chance to marry a Doctor.

 
A bunch of my sorority sisters at Cornell were in Human Ecology (formerly Home Ec). Hmm. They are all FI. One was in strategic planning at a Megacorp, one did textile restoration in museums, two are MDs, three are attorneys, one is a full professor at a top 20 university. Nope, don't think they were there to get MRS degrees.
Your rebuttal example is focused on ladies who had other degrees though; 6 of 8 of your examples had degrees on top of Home Ec. (MD, Law, Doctorate). I'm not really seeing how Home Economics on its own is great, from your example it seems you need to get a second degree before you can achieve FI in 75% of the cases. It seem like your example were career women who wanted advanced education, how many with only a bachelors became a "MRS"? Are you saying that it didn't exist at Cornell among the undergrads? Do you think less of girls who do this?

Ugh...marrying a doctor isn't all its cracked up to be.  No offense meant PhysicianOnFire.
Being married to a doctor is awesome ;)

Lol!  Depends on the doc ;)

Blindsquirrel

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Re: Won't date a man who makes less than 100K
« Reply #115 on: March 04, 2016, 07:18:37 PM »
  Well, I drove a truck held together with Bondo and lived in a dumpy student rental when I met my wife. About 20 years later lets just say that things have gotten a bit better in the finance world. You never know how folks will end up or what path they will take until much later in the journey.