Author Topic: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house  (Read 4165 times)

dmac680chi

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 65
http://www.businessinsider.com/woman-lost-home-after-spending-13000-on-weddings-2018-4

This makes my brain hurt. I’m shocked it’s not actually more money.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

RWD

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3023
  • Location: Mississippi
Wait, that wasn't even for her own wedding?! Wow...

slugline

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1157
  • Location: Houston, TX USA
Wait, that wasn't even for her own wedding?! Wow...

Naturally, by the time her own wedding rolls around, everyone else will be too broke to attend.

Slee_stack

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 853
I don't like the caption therein that says 'My Friends' Weddings cost me my home'.

No honey, you're piss-poor decisions 'cost you your home'.  Your friends have nothing to do with it.  Don't externalize.

Her parents are not helping at all either by enabling this crap.



TheGrimSqueaker

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Location: A desert wasteland, where none but the weird survive
  • www.theliveinlandlord.com
    • The Live-In Landlord
It would be so much better if she *owned* her decisions.

It would also be better if she started thinking about the difference between "need", "want", and "nice to have".

She is a human, and humans are social creatures, so she NEEDS to have strong interpersonal relationships with people who are worth knowing (as in, not leeches or lowlifes). I'll give these friends the benefit of the doubt. To do that, she needs to *acknowledge* their significant life events. A wedding is definitely one such acknowledgement.

Now, how do you acknowledge a wedding? With a letter (or card), or a gift if your relationship with one or both halves of the bridal couple is such that you already share major life events and will help each other in time of need. If the wedding is in town, attending the ceremony definitely shows support. Anything beyond this, such as buying new clothing for the wedding where you're a guest, or participating in the other wedding related rituals, is either a "want" or a "nice to have".

You don't *need* to travel for a wedding unless not doing so will get you kicked out of the family.

You don't *need* to attend the showers, hen parties, stag parties, spa trips, and other random nonsense where a gift or contribution of some sort is required or expected.  You definitely don't need to fork out money to attend a destination wedding. Invitations to a destination wedding are the sort where you're not expected to attend. It's basically an elopement with a few extra witnesses.

Now, gifts. Providing a gift intended to cover the cost of entertaining two people at the reception is exactly the numbskull behavior that's creating the overwhelming sense of entitlement among married couples to the point where aged relatives and poorer relatives are actually being excluded from the wedding since they can't afford their share of the reception costs.

Receptions, incidentally, have nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with class pretention. The idea behind having a reception is to introduce the new couple to society *as* a couple. You have a party with the people you hang out with regularly, and include the extended family on both sides. It's the kind of party the new couple (or the bride's parents) can afford to throw. Gifts are optional and not factored into the expense.

The woman interviewed for this story would be well advised to remember that if she puts too much effort and resources into the weddings of her peers, she's unlikely to attract a mate of her own anytime soon. By the time she does, the novelty of a wedding will have worn off. When it's her turn to announce her wedding, everyone she went broke to "support" will be too busy buying doodads for their kids to be bothered to reciprocate. If she continues the way she's going, she will soon get a surprise she doesn't like.

Cali

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 163
  • Location: SoCal
I can’t seem to force myself to click the link.

eschewing_alpha

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 2
The article says she spent $13k, not $18k, and that was for 28 parties over 4 years.

It also says she didn't own a house in the first place. It says she rented a flat and decided to stop renting it and move in with family instead.

I see it as creating an article where there's no story of substance. They could've more honestly titled it "Woman moves in with parents to save money".

RWD

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3023
  • Location: Mississippi
The article says she spent $13k, not $18k, and that was for 28 parties over 4 years.

Weird, the article was edited since I last looked at it. It used to say £13,000 ($18,000).

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6329
Quote
A strong, confident, 30-something friend just posted on another forum about feeling pressured to spend way more on a pre-wedding brunch than she was comfortable with. This isnít a dumb, insecure girl, and even then, she felt an intense pressure to comply with the brideís wishes and felt like everyone else was on board. Turns out, the moment she refused, every other woman invited felt comfortable to say they didnít want the insanely expensive brunch event either. So ALL of the women were uncomfortable and they were all this.close to begrudgingly over spending if no one had spoken up.

Totally not wedding or money related, but I can SO see this in my real life.

I'm a strong, confident woman and I'm 47.  I also happen to have a few hobbies, one of which is quilting.  In that vein, I belong to a guild and a smaller satellite group of about 12 women.

In addition to this hobby, I'd like to point out that I have a full time job and 2 elementary school children.  So not much time for actual quilting.  I pay for  the guild as it's required to be a member of the satellite group, but I really like my small group.  We meet about 10-11 times a year (once a month), but unfortunately with kid stuff I'm only able to make it about half the time.  That's fine with me.  I enjoy the group, the chatting. Sometimes I make it to the days where we rent a big room to quilt.  Sometimes I'm only able to stop in and chat.  Our group occasionally does things like exchanges at Christmas (everyone draws a name and makes a quilt for the other person), or block exchanges (same thing, you are just making a block), or we work together to make charity quilts, or whatever.  As I went from 1 kid to 2, my participation in these went to every other year.


In any event...this is a long story I guess, there is another strong willed and vocal person in the group.  Now, this group currently has me (2 elementary school children), another woman of about 50 with a junior high kid and an elementary kid.  A couple of the women are in their 50s-60s and still working (a nurse, a bookkeeper), but the remaining women (including the vocal one) are retired.


Vocal woman has, off and on, suggested that we do "more".  As we used to do more exchanges, and charity quilts, and such, in the last 4 years she has signed the group up for "other things", like being in charge of refreshments for the guild meeting every month, or being in charge of the guild's "block of the month", or most recently, being in charge of the "boutique" for the upcoming quilt show.  Prior to the boutique thing, she emailed everyone and wanted to know if we were interested in volunteering.  If not, we would back out.  I simply responded with "I cannot commit to this".  A few days later, we can an email saying "thanks for all the responses, we're in!"  My thought was what???  But whatever.

Then a week later, an email about our next meeting.  "We're in on the boutique, you should all think about when you can help set up, and which days you can work the show, and let me know.  Also, this group is getting boring, we need a kick in the pants and do more exchanges, volunteering, charity quilts, etc."

I waited 5 days to respond, because I wanted to make sure I was answering from the heart and not off the handle.  I finally said "I'm out.  I already said that I can't volunteer for the show.  I'm sorry if we are boring, but my life is boring.  If this is the direction you want to go, it's time for me to step out."

Same day, the other parent stepped out.

Did I mention the other two younger ladies did the same last year and the year before (also, both parents of young children.)

Her response was "I'm glad this is out in the open", which makes us think that it's a THING that everyone else has been talking about, those two slackers who are too busy to show up and DO ALL THE THINGS.

Then finally, one of the other older women who'd been at the meeting said "the four of us at the meeting agreed that we like the status quo.  So if you  (the vocal one) aren't happy, maybe YOU need a new group.  We all have different priorities."

Anyway, everyone was just going along with her because she's so strong willed.

I think she's so far removed from parenthood (she's a grandparent) and working (she retired 3 years ago) and chores (her husband does all of the cooking) that she's kind of forgotten about what it's like.  I see her at the gym in the morning, and then I know she goes home to practice the piano and quilt lots and lots and lots.  And garden.  And knit.   And...???  Her days aren't filled with parent-teacher meetings, baseball games, food prep, swim lessons, and snuggles. 

Since I pre-paid for the year, I'm still in the group.  Not sure I wanna go anymore!

Just Joe

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2620
The "boring" quilters ought to meet on their own at some place and time convenient and continue doing your projects.

TheGrimSqueaker

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Location: A desert wasteland, where none but the weird survive
  • www.theliveinlandlord.com
    • The Live-In Landlord
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2018, 10:06:45 AM »
What happened to the quilting group is the story of every charity or volunteer group, ever. People's available time waxes and wanes, and when you've got small kids at home or heavy family responsibilities the available time for "fun" stuff goes way, way down. That's normal.

In any given group, there will be some people who do far more of the work and "do all the things" while others who have heavier responsibilities are unable. Many years ago I was the treasurer for a branch of a fraternal organization in a nearby city. The commute from my home was an hour and a half, and one of the ways I contributed was to bring a vehicle full of non-driving people (some of whom were elderly, some of whom were broke, some of whom were just lazy) to the meetings.

I was very explicit about being available to perform the treasurer operations and the transit duties roughly once a week, but no more. I was unable to set aside the time to memorize wordy speeches or scripts for what I'll call "special events". The special events in question were optional, not required for ongoing operations, and expensive in terms of time and resources. There was, in this particular group, a core subgroup of four of us who did pretty much all the work. Everyone else basically showed up, partook of the various events, and had the somewhat annoying idea that they were contributing just by providing their presence. It wasn't a healthy group overall, because the head dude in charge (HDIC) had a lot of ego tied up with pushing toward the next organizational level, which required roughly three times the number of special events. We were already far beyond what a group of four active members could realistically be expected to accomplish, but the HDIC always pushed for more, more, more. It was OK for him to be active in a different charitable venture-- he set the meetings and times when it was convenient for him-- but it wasn't OK for any of us to have other charitable commitments.

What eventually happened, for me, was that it started not being fun anymore. Eventually people got tired of being constantly chivvied into doing more than they were able, and left the group. The more people left, the more duties devolved on those that remained. The group eventually collapsed for a variety of reasons but commitment overload was a significant factor.

Given that this fraternal organization was by definition predominately male, I don't believe that bulldozer behavior, making unusual requests, and trying to force people into more participation than they can provide is unique to the female of the species.

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6329
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2018, 12:34:21 PM »
The "boring" quilters ought to meet on their own at some place and time convenient and continue doing your projects.
We in fact decided to do just that!

AMandM

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 760
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2018, 06:12:33 PM »
I guess I'm showing my age (52), because I totally do not understand this wedding spending pressure.

In the first place, how is it that people are going to so many weddings?  I think I've been to maybe half a dozen weddings of friends in my entire life.  Who do these invitations come from?  I don't have that many friends close enough to invite me to their weddings! I guess it does show my age that none of my friends' weddings involved elaborate accessory parties, either. In my day we had maybe one shower, if a friend (not relative!) wanted to host one, and a bridesmaids' tea given by the bride.

Heck, if the dress I wore to my oldest two's wedding had still fit, I would have worn it to my next daughter's wedding too.

KBecks

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1509
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2018, 06:25:44 PM »
Where are this woman's parents, and why did they fail to teach her about money management?

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6329
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2018, 01:37:48 PM »
I guess I'm showing my age (52), because I totally do not understand this wedding spending pressure.

In the first place, how is it that people are going to so many weddings?  I think I've been to maybe half a dozen weddings of friends in my entire life.  Who do these invitations come from?  I don't have that many friends close enough to invite me to their weddings! I guess it does show my age that none of my friends' weddings involved elaborate accessory parties, either. In my day we had maybe one shower, if a friend (not relative!) wanted to host one, and a bridesmaids' tea given by the bride.

Heck, if the dress I wore to my oldest two's wedding had still fit, I would have worn it to my next daughter's wedding too.
Yeah, I'm a few years younger than you, but I have a lot of coworkers who are in their mid-30s.

it's a total thing now.

When we got married, we had a little party 2 days before for the friends who had come in from out of town (went to a bar and drank some beer).  My office-mate and some other friends, on the other hand
- bachelor party in Mexico, or Vegas, or Costa Rica
- bachelorette parties in Vegas or NYC
- weddings in England or all over the country/ world
- got engaged in Paris, or London, or elsewhere
- therefore the honeymoon HAS to be better 

It's pretty surprising the # of these things they go to, and if you've got a group of 5 friends, multiply it by 5!

On the contrary, for me:
- I got married a couple of decades ago
- I have two bridesmaids who married after me.  Flew to NM for one of them and to CO for the other. 
- I flew to my brother's wedding (in my hometown) and my nephew's wedding.
- I was a bridesmaid 8 years ago for a local friend
- I've been to 2 weddings since - a former coworker (it was local, and I literally stopped in for 30 minutes while my MIL walked with the kids to the playground, the baby was 4 weeks old!) - and my husband's coworker.

That's it.

What's helping, though is that marriage, in some sense, is less popular. I  have several close coworkers who are in LTR and have kids (or are about to) and aren't married.

Cali

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 163
  • Location: SoCal
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #15 on: April 27, 2018, 01:40:45 PM »
The article says she spent $13k, not $18k, and that was for 28 parties over 4 years.

It also says she didn't own a house in the first place. It says she rented a flat and decided to stop renting it and move in with family instead.

I see it as creating an article where there's no story of substance. They could've more honestly titled it "Woman moves in with parents to save money".

Hah! Awesome I didnít even have to read the article. $13k for 28 parties is reasonable. This is why I decline as many as possible.

Indexer

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1316
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2018, 07:57:59 AM »
"Some people say I should start turning down invites of once-removed-type friends, but it's not that easy to turn down a wedding invite," she said. "It's seen as a bit of a social faux pas."

Right, not going is rude.... I'm not the best at identifying social faux pas, but I'm pretty sure going on a TV show and blaming your homelessness on your friends' weddings is pretty rude.

But hey, there is some good news. I highly doubt she will be invited to anymore weddings!

lizzzi

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2047
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2018, 08:59:38 AM »
A young couple in my apartment complex has been living together for two years, and just got engaged. Her parents have asked them not to get married for another two years, because the girl's sister just got married, and the parents can't afford to pay for another wedding for two years. I don't know if it's just me, but that  seems so sad and pathetic on several levels.

And that's not the only couple I've run across who live together and call each other fiancť and fiancee, but don't get married because they feel they can't afford a wedding. Really, really messed up priorities IMO. I'm not against living together if that's what they want to do, but Good Lord, if you want to get married-- Get married. Keep it fun, meaningful, expressive of yourselves, but simple and cheap. If you can't afford to have even a little party, go down to City Hall, or if you want a religious service, have your clergyman marry you in your church. It can be just the two of you and the officiant. Am I completely off the wall here--for thinking it's the marriage that is the important thing--the years of love and commitment, through thick and thin, rich and poor, hanging in there through the sick kids, the job losses, all the crummy things that can happen in life...until one of you dies in the other one's arms...Isn't that what it's all about? Not just whether you spent $30,000 at the wedding palace...or whatever.


elliha

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 381
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2018, 02:58:13 PM »
In the last 10 years or so I have been to three weddings. I traveled to all of them so that was a cost. One of them did not ask for gifts since almost all of their guests had to travel. We did not give anything but some people did. One wedding I paid into a common gift from all our siblings and the other I bought my own gift. I think I might have spent about 150-200 dollars for both gifts. The traveling was by car all three times and I don't know what that cost but probably around 100 dollars at the most for all three. I didn't buy new clothes for any of the weddings but I did buy new clothes for my daughter for one of them, that cost perhaps 30 dollars. Yeah, spending that much for weddings and hen parties is beyond me. One of these weddings also included an invite to a hen party. I considered going but it would mean taking time off work and travel to another town as well as spending money on activities and it felt like such an effort that I said no to that. Had it been in my hometown I think I would have attended though.

Imma

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1581
  • Location: Europe
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #19 on: April 29, 2018, 11:04:33 AM »
Every time I read these wedding stories, I'm so happy I don't know any people like that. There are few things that would make me more unhappy than to have to attend a bachelorette party. We're late 20s/early 30s and unmarried (planning to elope, some day) and while the majority of our friends are by now married, most of them did not have a traditional wedding. The majority chose a very simple ceremony with no one or only parents/siblings in attendance.

A friend of mine is originally from a culture where a lot of pressure is put on parents to pay for fairytale weddings of their children. I've seen her sister's engagement dress....  her giant white dress was bigger than most bridal dresses, and she's going to have two wedding dresses. They're inviting 800 people. The only upside is that it's common in her culture for guests to give wads of cash or gold, so it's not unheard of to end up ahead after the wedding. My friend is absolutely uninterested in marriage and I don't blame her at all. The pressure is immense and after the wedding you're supposed to turn into the perfect housewife and mother and you have to deal with pressure from your in-laws as well as your own family.

AMandM

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 760
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #20 on: April 29, 2018, 09:10:47 PM »
What's helping, though is that marriage, in some sense, is less popular.

I wonder if that isn't part of the cause, rather than part of the solution.  People who agree with this:
Am I completely off the wall here--for thinking it's the marriage that is the important thing--the years of love and commitment, through thick and thin, rich and poor, hanging in there through the sick kids, the job losses, all the crummy things that can happen in life...until one of you dies in the other one's arms...Isn't that what it's all about? Not just whether you spent $30,000 at the wedding palace...or whatever.

have less need/desire to make a consumerist splash out of their wedding.  Whereas people for whom marriage is less significant in itself, it seems to me, are more prone to make the event feel important through lavishness. 

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6329
Re: Women spends $18k on weddings and bachelorette parties and loses house
« Reply #21 on: April 30, 2018, 05:19:05 PM »
A young couple in my apartment complex has been living together for two years, and just got engaged. Her parents have asked them not to get married for another two years, because the girl's sister just got married, and the parents can't afford to pay for another wedding for two years. I don't know if it's just me, but that  seems so sad and pathetic on several levels.

And that's not the only couple I've run across who live together and call each other fiancť and fiancee, but don't get married because they feel they can't afford a wedding. Really, really messed up priorities IMO. I'm not against living together if that's what they want to do, but Good Lord, if you want to get married-- Get married. Keep it fun, meaningful, expressive of yourselves, but simple and cheap. If you can't afford to have even a little party, go down to City Hall, or if you want a religious service, have your clergyman marry you in your church. It can be just the two of you and the officiant. Am I completely off the wall here--for thinking it's the marriage that is the important thing--the years of love and commitment, through thick and thin, rich and poor, hanging in there through the sick kids, the job losses, all the crummy things that can happen in life...until one of you dies in the other one's arms...Isn't that what it's all about? Not just whether you spent $30,000 at the wedding palace...or whatever.

ah ha ha ha I had a coworker like that 18 years ago.  Two kids, didn't get married because they couldn't afford the kind of wedding they wanted.

Now they have 3 kids, and most of them are probably in high school or out.  I think they still aren't married!

OTOH, because she doesn't make that much money, there's probably a financial advantage to staying single if the kids can get state insurance.