Author Topic: What's your dumbest mistake?  (Read 28053 times)

DadJokes

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #100 on: June 30, 2020, 09:31:58 AM »
Did almost the same thing about 10 years ago except it was a motorcycle I was riding home around midnight, and I called my dad when it "broke down" on the side of the road. At least it was only a 15 minutes trip for him and we didn't have to lift a motorcycle into the bed of his truck.  In my defense it had no fuel gauge, but I still felt quite dumb.
Do you know about a motorcycle fuel reserve knob? Even my vintage Vespas have them.

Re: stereos. Back in the 1990s we had that problem and you could buy stereos that would slide out of the dash and had a carrying handle. Some people had cases for their radios. We would take them into stores and restaurants with us. Then detachable stereo faces were invented.

Newer motorcycles frequently don't have them, though they should have a gaslight if they don't use the reserve system.

At 18-years old, I was riding a Harley Sportster through eastern New Mexico one evening. I had half a tank when I went through one town. I figured that would be plenty to get to the next town. It was before the days of widespread GPS, and I was unfamiliar with the area, so I didn't even know the rough mileage. My gaslight came on when I was still 40 miles from the next town. I ended up slowing down to ~45 mph and hugging the gas tank to reduce wind resistance to get every mile I could on that deserted highway. Thankfully, I made it. It turned out to be about 90 miles between towns.

New Mexico is not the place to wait until your gaslight is on to start looking for gas stations.

Just Joe

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #101 on: June 30, 2020, 11:49:10 AM »
That was a close one! The first time I drove out west the distances were an important education.

FindingFI

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #102 on: June 30, 2020, 12:02:43 PM »
Did almost the same thing about 10 years ago except it was a motorcycle I was riding home around midnight, and I called my dad when it "broke down" on the side of the road. At least it was only a 15 minutes trip for him and we didn't have to lift a motorcycle into the bed of his truck.  In my defense it had no fuel gauge, but I still felt quite dumb.
Do you know about a motorcycle fuel reserve knob? Even my vintage Vespas have them.

Re: stereos. Back in the 1990s we had that problem and you could buy stereos that would slide out of the dash and had a carrying handle. Some people had cases for their radios. We would take them into stores and restaurants with us. Then detachable stereo faces were invented.

Newer motorcycles frequently don't have them, though they should have a gaslight if they don't use the reserve system.

At 18-years old, I was riding a Harley Sportster through eastern New Mexico one evening. I had half a tank when I went through one town. I figured that would be plenty to get to the next town. It was before the days of widespread GPS, and I was unfamiliar with the area, so I didn't even know the rough mileage. My gaslight came on when I was still 40 miles from the next town. I ended up slowing down to ~45 mph and hugging the gas tank to reduce wind resistance to get every mile I could on that deserted highway. Thankfully, I made it. It turned out to be about 90 miles between towns.

New Mexico is not the place to wait until your gaslight is on to start looking for gas stations.

Before I thought I had broken down, I turned to reserve and got another 2 or 3 miles before is sputtered to a stop again. Never relied on the reserve again after that. It was such a short distance that I assumed something was broken.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2020, 12:04:37 PM by FindingFI »

DadJokes

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #103 on: June 30, 2020, 12:07:11 PM »
Did almost the same thing about 10 years ago except it was a motorcycle I was riding home around midnight, and I called my dad when it "broke down" on the side of the road. At least it was only a 15 minutes trip for him and we didn't have to lift a motorcycle into the bed of his truck.  In my defense it had no fuel gauge, but I still felt quite dumb.
Do you know about a motorcycle fuel reserve knob? Even my vintage Vespas have them.

Re: stereos. Back in the 1990s we had that problem and you could buy stereos that would slide out of the dash and had a carrying handle. Some people had cases for their radios. We would take them into stores and restaurants with us. Then detachable stereo faces were invented.

Newer motorcycles frequently don't have them, though they should have a gaslight if they don't use the reserve system.

At 18-years old, I was riding a Harley Sportster through eastern New Mexico one evening. I had half a tank when I went through one town. I figured that would be plenty to get to the next town. It was before the days of widespread GPS, and I was unfamiliar with the area, so I didn't even know the rough mileage. My gaslight came on when I was still 40 miles from the next town. I ended up slowing down to ~45 mph and hugging the gas tank to reduce wind resistance to get every mile I could on that deserted highway. Thankfully, I made it. It turned out to be about 90 miles between towns.

New Mexico is not the place to wait until your gaslight is on to start looking for gas stations.

Before I thought I had broken down, I turned to reserve and got another 2 or 3 miles before is sputtered to a stop again. Never relied on the reserve again after that. It was such a short distance that I assumed something was broken.

Only 2-3 miles with the reserve tank? That's lame.

FindingFI

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #104 on: June 30, 2020, 12:12:27 PM »
Did almost the same thing about 10 years ago except it was a motorcycle I was riding home around midnight, and I called my dad when it "broke down" on the side of the road. At least it was only a 15 minutes trip for him and we didn't have to lift a motorcycle into the bed of his truck.  In my defense it had no fuel gauge, but I still felt quite dumb.
Do you know about a motorcycle fuel reserve knob? Even my vintage Vespas have them.

Re: stereos. Back in the 1990s we had that problem and you could buy stereos that would slide out of the dash and had a carrying handle. Some people had cases for their radios. We would take them into stores and restaurants with us. Then detachable stereo faces were invented.

Newer motorcycles frequently don't have them, though they should have a gaslight if they don't use the reserve system.

At 18-years old, I was riding a Harley Sportster through eastern New Mexico one evening. I had half a tank when I went through one town. I figured that would be plenty to get to the next town. It was before the days of widespread GPS, and I was unfamiliar with the area, so I didn't even know the rough mileage. My gaslight came on when I was still 40 miles from the next town. I ended up slowing down to ~45 mph and hugging the gas tank to reduce wind resistance to get every mile I could on that deserted highway. Thankfully, I made it. It turned out to be about 90 miles between towns.

New Mexico is not the place to wait until your gaslight is on to start looking for gas stations.

Before I thought I had broken down, I turned to reserve and got another 2 or 3 miles before is sputtered to a stop again. Never relied on the reserve again after that. It was such a short distance that I assumed something was broken.

Only 2-3 miles with the reserve tank? That's lame.

Lame indeed. I still suspect that there was something wrong with the reserve system, possible that the petcock was installed incorrectly and the my 2-3 miles came from whatever was in the petcock rather than the fuel tank itself. Never did confirm, just filled the tank often after that.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2020, 12:15:43 PM by FindingFI »

Just Joe

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #105 on: June 30, 2020, 04:06:39 PM »
Maybe you had a bunch of rust and sediment in the tank clogging the reserve. Or that motorcycle had a dastardly previous owner that modified the valve eliminating the reserve feature. I've seen both.

Michael in ABQ

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #106 on: July 02, 2020, 11:47:53 AM »
Did almost the same thing about 10 years ago except it was a motorcycle I was riding home around midnight, and I called my dad when it "broke down" on the side of the road. At least it was only a 15 minutes trip for him and we didn't have to lift a motorcycle into the bed of his truck.  In my defense it had no fuel gauge, but I still felt quite dumb.
Do you know about a motorcycle fuel reserve knob? Even my vintage Vespas have them.

Re: stereos. Back in the 1990s we had that problem and you could buy stereos that would slide out of the dash and had a carrying handle. Some people had cases for their radios. We would take them into stores and restaurants with us. Then detachable stereo faces were invented.

Newer motorcycles frequently don't have them, though they should have a gaslight if they don't use the reserve system.

At 18-years old, I was riding a Harley Sportster through eastern New Mexico one evening. I had half a tank when I went through one town. I figured that would be plenty to get to the next town. It was before the days of widespread GPS, and I was unfamiliar with the area, so I didn't even know the rough mileage. My gaslight came on when I was still 40 miles from the next town. I ended up slowing down to ~45 mph and hugging the gas tank to reduce wind resistance to get every mile I could on that deserted highway. Thankfully, I made it. It turned out to be about 90 miles between towns.

New Mexico is not the place to wait until your gaslight is on to start looking for gas stations.

This is true. Outside of cities and towns there is basically nothing. Even on the freeway it's generally about 50 miles between cities with nothing in between but desert (or grasslands in eastern New Mexico). Not like some parts of the country where you'll have houses and farms, etc.

iris lily

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #107 on: July 04, 2020, 11:18:38 AM »
Leaving retirement money on the table, about $10,000.

It was a pension from an old job decades ago. I did not pay attention to the specifics of this pension. But it started paying out at age 55 and I didnít claim it because in my mind I thought surely I had to be older, or else it was there  building up for me later, or something.

But no. It started paying out and if I didnít take it I lost it.
Dumb dumb dumb.

Chris@TTL

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #108 on: July 05, 2020, 10:29:46 AM »
But no. It started paying out and if I didnít take it I lost it.
Dumb dumb dumb.

Ouch. Did you just need to sign a doc and say "yes, I'll take it"?

Hopefully, in the grand scheme, 10k will have had little impact. But, might depend on how long ago this was :)

iris lily

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #109 on: July 05, 2020, 11:47:49 AM »
But no. It started paying out and if I didnít take it I lost it.
Dumb dumb dumb.

Ouch. Did you just need to sign a doc and say "yes, I'll take it"?

Hopefully, in the grand scheme, 10k will have had little impact. But, might depend on how long ago this was :)
pretty much yep just file to get it.

Fortunately the $10,000 is a drop in the bucket.


Kashmani

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #110 on: July 06, 2020, 11:33:29 AM »
Graduate school. Had a perfectly serviceable engineering degree and got talked into a masters. Hated it but, having no real-world experience had become basically unemployable. Switched careers into law which tacked on another three years. During those five years total, saw friends who got jobs out of undergrad buy houses (this was in the early 2000s, before prices went crazy), fix them up on evenings and weekends, sell them for more, and then buy their "family" house before I had even graduated.

Total opportunity cost: $500,000, consisting of:

- five years' lost salary @$50,000/yr: $250,000
- Tuition: $50,000
- Loss of housing appreciation: $200,000 (this is in Canada, where prices never reset post-2008).

I finally reached the financial crossover point two years ago, at age 39. However, that was after two decades of very long hours; first in school and then in practice. Subtract those hours and I am still a good five years away.

Don't get me wrong. I like my current job and I am financially stable. But the numbers are what they are.

My half-million dollar error in judgment.

imadandylion

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #111 on: July 08, 2020, 11:41:53 AM »
^My biggest mistake also involves higher education, but it was more the subject matter of the degree and less about schooling itself. I wish I chose something else. It does have 'transferable skills' but annoyingly I also didn't realize I didn't want to do this into perpetuity until recently. So all in all, I do regard it as a waste of time and money, honestly. Definitely not worth the dramatic tuition increases - higher cost and same low quality of education. Also, knowing what I know now I would've gone to an international university instead, it would've been more affordable!

Also, I regret the consumerist spending in my college years - my roommate and I would have a habit of going shopping for fun because we literally had nothing better to do. I didn't get into tons of debt but I wish I spent my time working on something else instead of shopping, and of course, the money would've been better served on something like investments.

Monerexia

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #112 on: July 11, 2020, 11:07:01 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #113 on: July 12, 2020, 01:19:38 PM »
I haven't made too many big mistakes.  This has helped our family become very well off financially through a reasonably good savings rate and a long series of good, steady decisions.  I probably made a mistake by not taking more risks.  And no matter how much we travel, we should spend less money on stuff and spend it to travel more.

Chris@TTL

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #114 on: July 12, 2020, 03:27:05 PM »
...  And no matter how much we travel, we should spend less money on stuff and spend it to travel more.

Ah... I'm right there with you.

I know there are bigger problems with the pandemic than my minor complaints, but damn the coronavirus for this. Can't wait to get "back in the saddle".

bloodaxe

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #115 on: July 12, 2020, 05:09:41 PM »
I made the decision at 18 to go to an extremely expensive private liberal arts school for undergrad. I had scholarships but still took out a lot of money in loans.

I did meet my wife there and I chose a profitable major, so it worked out for me in the end.

Just Joe

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #116 on: July 14, 2020, 08:53:55 AM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family. 

Monerexia

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #117 on: July 14, 2020, 10:46:59 AM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family.

Yes I knew better--this is taking up so much more bandwidth than $2500 deserves. I have tried to reframe it but the betrayal is just so heavy and thick. I don't respond well to betrayal haha

Dave1442397

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #118 on: July 14, 2020, 01:59:46 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family.

Yes I knew better--this is taking up so much more bandwidth than $2500 deserves. I have tried to reframe it but the betrayal is just so heavy and thick. I don't respond well to betrayal haha

If you amortize $2500 over the rest of your life, it's probably a cheap price to pay. You know you'll never lose another penny to them, even if they had the gall to ask for more.

Monerexia

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #119 on: July 14, 2020, 08:01:25 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family.

Yes I knew better--this is taking up so much more bandwidth than $2500 deserves. I have tried to reframe it but the betrayal is just so heavy and thick. I don't respond well to betrayal haha

If you amortize $2500 over the rest of your life, it's probably a cheap price to pay. You know you'll never lose another penny to them, even if they had the gall to ask for more.

Yes i go back and forth. The price of freedom $2500 or--small claims, get the judgment on both mother and daughter based on text message promise to pay and hire collection agency or make it a hobby to ping once/month and garnish haha.

mountain mustache

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #120 on: July 14, 2020, 08:34:46 PM »
listening to orthopedic surgeons who basically guaranteed me that my injuries would be better if I let them fix them surgically. Two surgeries and 25k later, I am in more pain and poorer than before the surgeries. I have learned so much through the process that I wouldn't trade, but seriously...I could have a downpayment for a house at this point with that money, and less pain!

bloodaxe

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #121 on: July 15, 2020, 07:42:11 AM »
listening to orthopedic surgeons who basically guaranteed me that my injuries would be better if I let them fix them surgically. Two surgeries and 25k later, I am in more pain and poorer than before the surgeries. I have learned so much through the process that I wouldn't trade, but seriously...I could have a downpayment for a house at this point with that money, and less pain!

Have you considered speaking to a malpractice attorney?

mountain mustache

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #122 on: July 15, 2020, 09:06:19 AM »
listening to orthopedic surgeons who basically guaranteed me that my injuries would be better if I let them fix them surgically. Two surgeries and 25k later, I am in more pain and poorer than before the surgeries. I have learned so much through the process that I wouldn't trade, but seriously...I could have a downpayment for a house at this point with that money, and less pain!

Have you considered speaking to a malpractice attorney?

I'm not sure this would warrant that. Surgeons will almost always recommend surgery because that is what they do...they informed me of the risks, although they did not inform me that I could end up worse than before, because really....they had no way of knowing! I really don't think it's their fault, my surgeries were done very well. My body just did not react to them in the way that was predicted. I don't know, I take a lot of personal responsibility for making the choice, I was never forced into it. I just thought it was the answer, and surgeons were willing to say that it *probably* would be as well.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #123 on: July 15, 2020, 12:07:32 PM »
listening to orthopedic surgeons who basically guaranteed me that my injuries would be better if I let them fix them surgically. Two surgeries and 25k later, I am in more pain and poorer than before the surgeries. I have learned so much through the process that I wouldn't trade, but seriously...I could have a downpayment for a house at this point with that money, and less pain!

Have you considered speaking to a malpractice attorney?

I'm not sure this would warrant that. Surgeons will almost always recommend surgery because that is what they do...they informed me of the risks, although they did not inform me that I could end up worse than before, because really....they had no way of knowing! I really don't think it's their fault, my surgeries were done very well. My body just did not react to them in the way that was predicted. I don't know, I take a lot of personal responsibility for making the choice, I was never forced into it. I just thought it was the answer, and surgeons were willing to say that it *probably* would be as well.

When all you have is a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail. The same, evidently, applies to scalpels.

Just Joe

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #124 on: July 16, 2020, 08:30:16 AM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family.

Yes I knew better--this is taking up so much more bandwidth than $2500 deserves. I have tried to reframe it but the betrayal is just so heavy and thick. I don't respond well to betrayal haha

If you respond well to betrayal then you'd make a good character in a novel! Best to edge difficult, ungrateful people out of your life. Perhaps relegate them to the periphery when you feel your most generous. Who has the energy to put up with difficult people on a regular basis?
« Last Edit: July 16, 2020, 08:33:49 AM by Just Joe »

Monerexia

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #125 on: July 16, 2020, 12:58:54 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family.

Yes I knew better--this is taking up so much more bandwidth than $2500 deserves. I have tried to reframe it but the betrayal is just so heavy and thick. I don't respond well to betrayal haha

If you respond well to betrayal then you'd make a good character in a novel! Best to edge difficult, ungrateful people out of your life. Perhaps relegate them to the periphery when you feel your most generous. Who has the energy to put up with difficult people on a regular basis?

Yes and I'm kind of trapped between them and my sister, who is a chronic "helper" despite all the abuse. For decades I have watched her race around town and fly to other states taking care of the deficit economic units who have become a such a burden on others. She has an "unconditional love" for family and they just flog and use her--my view is yes, they are family, but they can only get so much mileage out of 20-40 year old karma--I am done with them--as soon as get the emotional mess out of my system that is...

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #126 on: July 16, 2020, 01:26:49 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family.

Yes I knew better--this is taking up so much more bandwidth than $2500 deserves. I have tried to reframe it but the betrayal is just so heavy and thick. I don't respond well to betrayal haha

If you respond well to betrayal then you'd make a good character in a novel! Best to edge difficult, ungrateful people out of your life. Perhaps relegate them to the periphery when you feel your most generous. Who has the energy to put up with difficult people on a regular basis?

Yes and I'm kind of trapped between them and my sister, who is a chronic "helper" despite all the abuse. For decades I have watched her race around town and fly to other states taking care of the deficit economic units who have become a such a burden on others. She has an "unconditional love" for family and they just flog and use her--my view is yes, they are family, but they can only get so much mileage out of 20-40 year old karma--I am done with them--as soon as get the emotional mess out of my system that is...

In my twenties I was just such a helper. I got it out of my system in my 30s when my dear friend and guitar teacher informed me that I was perpetuating the problem. I gradually came to understand that if I kept wiping butt, people would continue to treat me like toilet paper. The way to not be treated like toilet paper was to dial way down on the butt-wiping.

Unconditional love is really only appropriate for tiny babies. As children grow, we develop expectations of them proportionate to their development level. When someone consistently treats us poorly, it only stings because our expectations are being violated. Sometimes it's because the expectations themselves are unreasonable. Most of the time the other person is completely aware of what's needed or wanted from them, but doesn't want to do it. In your family's case I think it's the latter.

Monerexia

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #127 on: July 16, 2020, 03:51:19 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family.

Yes I knew better--this is taking up so much more bandwidth than $2500 deserves. I have tried to reframe it but the betrayal is just so heavy and thick. I don't respond well to betrayal haha

If you respond well to betrayal then you'd make a good character in a novel! Best to edge difficult, ungrateful people out of your life. Perhaps relegate them to the periphery when you feel your most generous. Who has the energy to put up with difficult people on a regular basis?

Yes and I'm kind of trapped between them and my sister, who is a chronic "helper" despite all the abuse. For decades I have watched her race around town and fly to other states taking care of the deficit economic units who have become a such a burden on others. She has an "unconditional love" for family and they just flog and use her--my view is yes, they are family, but they can only get so much mileage out of 20-40 year old karma--I am done with them--as soon as get the emotional mess out of my system that is...

In my twenties I was just such a helper. I got it out of my system in my 30s when my dear friend and guitar teacher informed me that I was perpetuating the problem. I gradually came to understand that if I kept wiping butt, people would continue to treat me like toilet paper. The way to not be treated like toilet paper was to dial way down on the butt-wiping.

Unconditional love is really only appropriate for tiny babies. As children grow, we develop expectations of them proportionate to their development level. When someone consistently treats us poorly, it only stings because our expectations are being violated. Sometimes it's because the expectations themselves are unreasonable. Most of the time the other person is completely aware of what's needed or wanted from them, but doesn't want to do it. In your family's case I think it's the latter.

Yes for sure. I mean resistant to paying $50/month, which is $1.67/day, .84 cents/day for each of them--willing to burn down all the good will in a relationship and betray your family for .84 cents/day? I mean who even are these people, right?

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #128 on: July 16, 2020, 04:16:13 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.

Ahh family... Ain't they just the best?

At this point it seems like everyone's family is at least a little messy. Certainly no Norman Rockwell paintings of our family.

Yes I knew better--this is taking up so much more bandwidth than $2500 deserves. I have tried to reframe it but the betrayal is just so heavy and thick. I don't respond well to betrayal haha

If you respond well to betrayal then you'd make a good character in a novel! Best to edge difficult, ungrateful people out of your life. Perhaps relegate them to the periphery when you feel your most generous. Who has the energy to put up with difficult people on a regular basis?

Yes and I'm kind of trapped between them and my sister, who is a chronic "helper" despite all the abuse. For decades I have watched her race around town and fly to other states taking care of the deficit economic units who have become a such a burden on others. She has an "unconditional love" for family and they just flog and use her--my view is yes, they are family, but they can only get so much mileage out of 20-40 year old karma--I am done with them--as soon as get the emotional mess out of my system that is...

In my twenties I was just such a helper. I got it out of my system in my 30s when my dear friend and guitar teacher informed me that I was perpetuating the problem. I gradually came to understand that if I kept wiping butt, people would continue to treat me like toilet paper. The way to not be treated like toilet paper was to dial way down on the butt-wiping.

Unconditional love is really only appropriate for tiny babies. As children grow, we develop expectations of them proportionate to their development level. When someone consistently treats us poorly, it only stings because our expectations are being violated. Sometimes it's because the expectations themselves are unreasonable. Most of the time the other person is completely aware of what's needed or wanted from them, but doesn't want to do it. In your family's case I think it's the latter.

Yes for sure. I mean resistant to paying $50/month, which is $1.67/day, .84 cents/day for each of them--willing to burn down all the good will in a relationship and betray your family for .84 cents/day? I mean who even are these people, right?

It's more than I'm willing to spend on vices and that goes for most of us on this board. Yet to them it might seem like such a trivial amount that you could easily be bullied into overlooking it and continuing to interact with them. The dividing line for me these days is whether the same behavior would be tolerable from a stranger.

moof

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #129 on: July 21, 2020, 09:38:13 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.
I learned pretty early on to never loan money to family.  Give it or donít, never loan it.  Most loans turn into gifts with nothing but baggage and pain given in return.

Monerexia

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #130 on: July 21, 2020, 09:54:16 PM »
Loaning my niece $2500 for the vet when she called me crying and begging that her dog had been hit by a vehicle a month ago. She is 20, has never worked, has no driver license, lost her social security card, etc. Dog was dead less than eight hours after i made the payment. She has not contacted me since. Her father has proven so toxic and hateful since that I have blocked him from texting and have plans to never speak to him again. No respect, no gratitude.
I learned pretty early on to never loan money to family.  Give it or donít, never loan it.  Most loans turn into gifts with nothing but baggage and pain given in return.

Ha yep that might be the perfect way to put it. The pressure to do it was intense, but I will definitely know better next time--it was completely unfair to her, my niece is in no position to pay back $2500, she doesn't even know what $2500 means--even I get overwhelmed with tasks at work and catch myself avoiding and delaying--I can't even imagine what it would be for her staring this down--I'm expecting the ghost and avoidance treatment.

anni

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Re: What's your dumbest mistake?
« Reply #131 on: July 23, 2020, 01:45:51 PM »
I've got the kind of dumb mistake OP was after - a few years back, I bought the wrong plane ticket. I, huddled over a laptop in a foreign country planning a meticulous itinerary to get home, didn't realize the date selected had changed while I was shopping around Google Flights for tickets.

I bought a flight from Spain to the Netherlands that was departing a week after I would be back in the US. Luckily it only cost me about 80 euros to fix, but that was painful enough at the time that years later I still remember the amount... 🤦‍♀️ On this same trip I'd gotten my flight from the US to Sweden for less than $300 with WOW Air, rest in peace.