Author Topic: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party  (Read 31805 times)

CommonCents

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The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« on: June 07, 2014, 08:04:24 AM »
Have you been sucked into the rising vortex of spending on bachelor(ette) parties?

http://ind.gmnews.com/news/2014-05-08/Front_Page/Spending_travel_top_bachelor_party_plans.html

My husband went out for drinks last night with the buddy that asked him to be best man via email a few weeks.  The same buddy that said duties would include just making a toast, that he didn't want anything like a bachelor party.  He's a second time groom, which probably influenced that decision.

Welp.

That was wrong.  Apparently last night, he asked my husband for a party.  And not just any.  I had told my husband to make sure he really didn't want one, and to offer dinner out of town with him just in case.  You know, what use to be a normal way to celebrate, before the rise of a bachelor party.  DH didn't have a chance to offer, before friend asked for one - suggesting Denver, Vegas or Cabos.  Sounds like his first time bride (always a spender) is having a big one, which is probably influencing him.

This is the fourth destination bachelor party in two years.
Party 1: Napa in CA
Party 2: Red Sox games in Texas (quite expensive tickets)
Party 3: Walla walla, WA (more expensive wine tasting by the same Napa crowd)
Party 4: Denver, Vegas, Cabos?....

All involved multiple days off from work, using limited vacation days, hotel rooms or house rentals, expensive plane flights starting at $500, numerous meals out, drinks, etc.  I calculated the cheapest was $1500.

Meanwhile, in two years, we have taken exactly one (1) vacation that was non-wedding related, and that was for our two year delayed honeymoon, due to not wanting to spend oodles of money and being mindful of limited vacation days.  We've talked about vacation plans, and more days off separate will throw off those plans.

DH doesn't see at all why I'm upset.  A normally frugal person, he turns on the "bride brain" (a well document phenomenon) that says, "It's a once in a lifetime event and my buddy really wants it" and won't push back on the excess.

After the third party was planned (upcoming next weekend) he told me I was probably entitled to a vacation with my friends, which isn't what I want.  I want to stem the tide of bachelor party spending, not increase it.  I also want to vacation WITH my husband rather than separately.

I won't, but I equally want to:
1. Throw up my hands, and reach out to my two gal pals in England and see if one of them wants to blow all of her vacation days and money on a trip to a European country.
2. Make a big stinking fuss and tell DH he has to tell the straw (the latest groom) to be more reasonable and he just won't go.
3. Email the groom myself and ask him to be reasonable.

So - how do you cope with bachelor party spending, particularly if your partner won't say no?
« Last Edit: June 07, 2014, 08:07:12 AM by CommonCents »

The knitter

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2014, 08:25:54 AM »
Thankfully we have poor/cheap friends and have never been asked to go away for a bachelor party.

(Farthest was a train ride into the city).

This does come up with wedding gifts. My husband adamantly believes you should give a gift based on the cost of the wedding. I adamantly believe you should give a gift you a re comfortable giving, based on the relationship with the person.

That means the coworkers with the super speedy weddings get smaller gifts than the lifetime best friend who eloped.

Our out with expensive trips has always been my husbands inability to get time off from work(especially on weekends). Sometimes a shitty job pays off.

elaine amj

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2014, 09:16:27 AM »
ugh - this would drive me crackers.

Thankfully, my husband's circle of friends never dreamt of anything more than a night out horsing around - usually with the groom dressed in a dumb outfit. I don't think I could have ever handled him spending that kind of money to for a bachelor party. OUCH!

My nephew held a destination wedding in Punta Cana last year and I felt really guilted into going. About 6 months before when he finally chose the resort and we could price things out, reality bit and we declined to attend. I still feel a little guilty as several months later we jetted off to Europe to meet my brother's new baby. Guess it's my fault - but I rather feel meeting my brother's new baby trumped attending my nephew's wedding. I attended the bridal shower and gave a generous monetary gift.

zataks

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2014, 09:29:02 AM »
I was asked to be best man a couple years ago.  The groom was modest and didn't want a bachelor party but a mutual friend who was also a groomsman encouraged me that the BM's job was a bachelor party and toast. 
I accepted this but knowing that none of us had that much money, I took care of everything financially (only 3 of us in the party!) and we went whitewater rafting for two days.  It was made far cheaper by the fact that I was our guide as aside from my day-job, I'm also a whitewater rafting guide.  I rented a buddy's boat, got a hotel room and we went.  Brought a cooler on the river with sandwich makings and drinks and after rafting I think we got tacos.  All in all it was a couple hundred bucks but <$500.  Granted, getting to the river was a 2 hour drive for everyone and we didn't have to pay for a guide.  But even still, these things can create phenomenal stories (that IS why people want these parties, isn't it?) and not have to cost too much.

trailrated

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2014, 09:48:04 AM »
Wow this is a tough one... Especially since it is this persons second wedding. I would have to agree with your DH that the memories and bonding that takes place at bachelor parties is a "once in a lifetime" experience for the person getting married (twice in this case) and you want to make it truly special for them. That being said I want to have one, although I don't need to fly somewhere and spend like a drunken sailor to do it.

At the end of the day it sounds like you want your husband to
1) Keep the budget in check on these in the future
2) Enjoy vacation time with eachother

Based on what you said

Quote
I won't, but I equally want to:
1. Throw up my hands, and reach out to my two gal pals in England and see if one of them wants to blow all of her vacation days and money on a trip to a European country.
2. Make a big stinking fuss and tell DH he has to tell the straw (the latest groom) to be more reasonable and he just won't go.
3. Email the groom myself and ask him to be reasonable.

None of these accomplish that, kudos for you saying you won't. I think you have to bite the bullet in this case because he is the best man and with that comes an obligation to make the bachelor party everything the groom hopes for and more. I would make it very clear from then on out that you come first and he is doing something with you before the next one comes up.

CarDude

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2014, 10:30:34 AM »
This is all because of The Hangover.

socaso

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2014, 12:31:07 PM »
My friend's husband has "bride brain" too. He flatly refuses to take a vacation alone with her on the grounds that they can't afford it but whenever one of his fancypants friends has a destination wedding they can suddenly afford to go and participate in all activities.

Thespoof

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2014, 01:36:10 PM »
I was at a destination stag a month ago. Not only did I get my trip paid for with the $300 in cash I received winning a drinking bet from some guy at the pub we were visiting the bet also included him kicking up the tab for 8 of us!!! Lol probably cost that guy $1000!! I was not happy about having to go to this party and spend a bunch of money, but I ended up being ahead of the game lol...the week to recover was another matter :-(

socaso

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2014, 07:21:09 PM »
I was at a destination stag a month ago. Not only did I get my trip paid for with the $300 in cash I received winning a drinking bet from some guy at the pub we were visiting the bet also included him kicking up the tab for 8 of us!!! Lol probably cost that guy $1000!! I was not happy about having to go to this party and spend a bunch of money, but I ended up being ahead of the game lol...the week to recover was another matter :-(
That is an awesome story for your life but a rare story for a bachelor party! You'll be telling that one for years.

iris lily

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2014, 07:25:45 PM »
Yikes OP.  I could say that this is a function of your age where all of your compatriots are getting married, and in some way it is, but in the end you are right, Bride Brain and a new sense of entitlement for that Special Day is now the norm. Even if, as evidenced by your friend, there are often several Special Days in the life of one guy or girl. Heck why NOT get married several times, think of all of the Special Parties everyone can throw for you!
« Last Edit: June 07, 2014, 07:28:06 PM by iris lily »

TonyPlush

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2014, 11:57:35 PM »
I hate the wedding spending more than anyone. It's completely spiraled out of control and has basically become the rite of passage for most new couples on their path to a lifetime of money problems.

But I also think that trying to fight it begins toeing the line between frugal and cheap. If you are so concerned about money that you are willing to risk alienating your best friends in life because you'd rather not spend it, you might be dangerously close to the cheap side.

From MMM's brilliant article on Frugal vs. Cheap:
When you’re on a first date or out with friends, it may be perfectly appropriate to pick up the tab, spontaneously buy pitchers of beer, and otherwise burn off a week’s worth of grocery money in four hours. And do it without worrying a bit, because you know you can afford it in the long run. If you do it right, you’re buying experiences you’ll remember for a lifetime and building friendships of similar longevity.

Perhaps the reason your husband hasn't pushed back on these excessive parties is because he genuinely enjoys the experiences and memories they build with some of his most cherished friends?

Is it excessive? Yes. Does it suck to get dragged down with the big spenders? Yes. But IMO this is just one of those things not worth fighting over when you know you can afford it. Friends and family... that's really all we've got in the world. Starting a fight over this would tell me you value money more than those two.

gooki

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2014, 02:01:45 AM »
One solution, assuming you have joint finances is to start paying yourselves a weekly/monthly allowance. This is your personal fun money, in which the other party has no right to comment on how it is spent.

johnintaiwan

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #12 on: June 08, 2014, 03:10:49 AM »
What happened to keeping it simple? A few grams of blow, a bottle of tequila, and the local strip club?

Anatidae V

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2014, 05:44:44 AM »
What happened to keeping it simple? A few grams of blow, a bottle of tequila, and the local strip club?

Have you suggested to him that he could organise an EVEN MORE AWESOME party if he did it locally instead? I have NO experience in this area, but surely he could get the same feel by going to similar places where you live or within driving distance rather than a plane flight away? (Personally I'd be a cigars and whisky person if I could stand smoke, maybe a "gentleman's club" type thing that they'd never normally set foot in?)

moestache

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2014, 06:51:59 AM »
This is all because of The Hangover.

A friend of ours is flying to Thailand for his bachelor/bucks weekend. Hes a bit crazy and unpredictable so can see a Hangover style trip happening.

iris lily

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #15 on: June 08, 2014, 09:32:04 AM »
I hate the wedding spending more than anyone. It's completely spiraled out of control and has basically become the rite of passage for most new couples on their path to a lifetime of money problems.

But I also think that trying to fight it begins toeing the line between frugal and cheap. If you are so concerned about money that you are willing to risk alienating your best friends in life because you'd rather not spend it, you might be dangerously close to the cheap side.

...

I do understand you POV. But--

I disagree. The OP shows that this is a pattern of excessive spending on vacations that aren't even of her choosing, leaving this couple with no vacation money. While it may be anticipated as a one-time blow out for her SO's besty that will build memories forever, I don't think that's a realistic way to look at it. It's party #X among all of his friends and it's even this groom's 2nd time around for god's sake.

I am stunned that young men are now in the mindset of "I demand that you throw me awesome nuptial party(ies)" that we as society have enabled brides to do for decades now. What a sad societal trend.

But everyone with sense can stop the madness. There comes a point in our maturation where we don't allow others to control our pocketbook. MM's brilliant statement about buying a round of beer--Yes! It's a round of beer, not airfare and hotels and high end meals plus alcohol and entertainment fees.  But just as brilliant was a statement on these forums (I would credit the poster if I remembered who it was!) and it is this paraphrased:

The sooner you let go of the expectations of others, the sooner you can start building that 'stache at a high rate and retire


All things in moderation. Simple entertainment shared with friends, priceless! Having someone else dictate my vacation? Not on your life.

But finally, I will say that the real problem here is that the OP and her SO don't share values about this particular financial life challenge. Here's to hoping that her SO will "get it" soon since he's reasonable about other financial things. And finally, it's really great when one can find friends who share financial values. Most of the U.S. is not like us (and I am still finding that out) and when one can socialize with people who share values, it's a nice thing.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2014, 09:43:15 AM by iris lily »

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #16 on: June 08, 2014, 12:51:43 PM »
I hate the wedding spending more than anyone. It's completely spiraled out of control and has basically become the rite of passage for most new couples on their path to a lifetime of money problems.

But I also think that trying to fight it begins toeing the line between frugal and cheap. If you are so concerned about money that you are willing to risk alienating your best friends in life because you'd rather not spend it, you might be dangerously close to the cheap side.

From MMM's brilliant article on Frugal vs. Cheap:
When you’re on a first date or out with friends, it may be perfectly appropriate to pick up the tab, spontaneously buy pitchers of beer, and otherwise burn off a week’s worth of grocery money in four hours. And do it without worrying a bit, because you know you can afford it in the long run. If you do it right, you’re buying experiences you’ll remember for a lifetime and building friendships of similar longevity.

Perhaps the reason your husband hasn't pushed back on these excessive parties is because he genuinely enjoys the experiences and memories they build with some of his most cherished friends?

Is it excessive? Yes. Does it suck to get dragged down with the big spenders? Yes. But IMO this is just one of those things not worth fighting over when you know you can afford it. Friends and family... that's really all we've got in the world. Starting a fight over this would tell me you value money more than those two.

See, I disagree with this, and not only for what iris lily said.  I also disagree, because you know what - I'm important too.  And he's not making ME a priority, when he spends the vacation money and days on a 4:1 ratio on his friends as compared to me.  It's a priority to spend money/time on them for their Special Day, without creating a similar priority for us, and for the fun experiences/memories we might create.  It's pretty selfish and short-sighted for marital happiness, to not invest in your marriage.  Instead, our vacation money, and his vacation days, goes to fund never ending bachelor parties.

He does enjoy the experiences/memories, but that doesn't mean he can't have same quality memories from less expensive trips.  (I often think those are the best anyways.  One of my favorite vacations during college was a week long canoe trip.)  Some of them are his college buddies whom he's hung out with when they were all poor.  Now, some have hit big (Walla Walla guy is a VP trading stocks with a major well known company.  His home is a 3-bed apartment in a nice location in Manhattan with the top rooftop deck all to himself, paid about $3 million in cash.  A well known TV celebrity used to live on the 2nd floor.)  So for them, spending is no problem.

Your characterization of frugal v. cheap is particularly bothersome on this forum, in part because it seems to suggest you MUST pay lots of money in order to have a good time.  And MMM's pitcher of beer in no way compares to these trips - I am sure he'd be appalled.  (And I'll note, I did already suggest an expensive, lavish "round of beer" already by suggesting taking him out to dinner and a night out.  That level of spending, $200-300, I'm ok with.) 
To me, on this subject:
Cheap: No bachelor party at all. 
Halfway between cheap and frugal: Bring a six pack over to a friends house, order pizza, and hang out.
Frugal: Have a good time, but spend under $500.  Go golfing, rent a boat, rent a cabin and bring a keg, stay at the $3 million NY pad for free, etc.

I think a friend is not a good friend if they are alienated by you saying "whoa, hold up, that's really quite pricey and out of my budget.  How about X instead?"  They risk alienating me by making choices about how to spend our money for us (and don't forget it is tradition for the groomsmen to pick up the groom's tab) and by selecting crazy expensive options.

I think you have to bite the bullet in this case because he is the best man and with that comes an obligation to make the bachelor party everything the groom hopes for and more. I would make it very clear from then on out that you come first and he is doing something with you before the next one comes up.

Does it change your opinion that, as mentioned above, when asked it was specifically with the caveat that it would NOT include a bachelor party of any kind (which now has morphed into an expensive one)?  I guess I feel that agreeing to be part of a wedding party incurs certain obligations (e.g. you buy or rent the outfit they ask of you) but there's also a limit to it (e.g. you expect to pay say, $150 for the dress but put your foot down at buying the $650+ one a la Bridesmaid's movie, or you expect a few hundred for a party not a few thousand).  Here, he didn't even have an expectation of any party outlay, because it was off the table from the get go.

Yikes OP.  I could say that this is a function of your age where all of your compatriots are getting married, and in some way it is, but in the end you are right, Bride Brain and a new sense of entitlement for that Special Day is now the norm. Even if, as evidenced by your friend, there are often several Special Days in the life of one guy or girl. Heck why NOT get married several times, think of all of the Special Parties everyone can throw for you!

Well, at (almost) 35/38, you'd think we'd be out of the wedding season of life!  DH told me last year that it was the last bachelor parties, because all of his friends were married - but then two more of his friends turned up this year!  I doubt we'll ever be "done" with wedding because we're starting in on the wave of divorces now.  3 weddings last year, 3 this year. 

Absolutely, it's now multiple Special Parties for Special Days - there's a shower for this couple too.  (I suspect because the bride is first time, but I know of people who have gotten married second/third time for both and still had a shower.)

But finally, I will say that the real problem here is that the OP and her SO don't share values about this particular financial life challenge. Here's to hoping that her SO will "get it" soon since he's reasonable about other financial things. And finally, it's really great when one can find friends who share financial values. Most of the U.S. is not like us (and I am still finding that out) and when one can socialize with people who share values, it's a nice thing.

Oh 100% this is the issue.  DH won't push back on this.  He's frugal in many ways, but not on dinning (wants to eat out often, and doesn't like to bring lunches to work at all), which I combat by reluctantly doing 90% of the cooking.  This unfortunately, there's no real way for me to combat. 

Anyways, I basically think my best option is to brainstorm a lot of creative fun bachelor party ideas that do not involve expensive plane flights, multiple days at a hotel/house rental, or multiple vacation days, and try to see if any of them are cool enough to attract the grooms attention instead.  Besides, who really WANTS to go to Vegas in August when it's bloody hot outside?  So, frugal bachelor party ideas?  I'll even take modest to middling levels.  Anything below $1000 really...
« Last Edit: June 08, 2014, 12:55:05 PM by CommonCents »

dude

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #17 on: June 09, 2014, 07:07:21 AM »
I have a friend who is a very highly paid employee of a major sports franchise in addition to his private practice.  His BP -- second marriage -- called for a $300 golf outing, a $250 dinner, $150 hotel room, and drinks and such after dinner.  Normally, I would have skipped any such shenanigans, but this friend is incredibly generous to his friends.

Less than a week after the party, the wedding was called off.  The wedding was planned for a Carribean island destination.  Many had made non-refundable deposits, including my friend the prospective groom himself.  I was told he had to eat $190,000 . . .  Fortunately, I had no plans to go to the wedding.

Fast forward about 7 months later, the  couple eloped (just a couple weeks ago).

golden1

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #18 on: June 09, 2014, 07:18:57 AM »
Yikes!  Four in two years is a lot!  If it makes you feel any better, the wedding brigade tapers off at some point and this stuff becomes more sporadic.

My husband has been to two of these parties in Vegas, and while they were fun, if he was having to go to multiple trips a year, and it was taking away from your vacationing together, I'd probably be frustrated too.  I think, in his case the parties were 2-3 years apart so it wasn't a huge deal.  I have never been invited to a travel bachelorette party.

I do think these expensive party weekends are over the top, but that is because I had no bachelorette party, my husband had no bachelor party, and our wedding cost, maybe, $1500 total. 

greenmimama

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #19 on: June 09, 2014, 07:35:20 AM »
I find this whole thing disgusting, I hate this new wave of everything must cost too much, it's my special day.

I can't even sympathize, we got married before it started getting out of hand.

But the year before we got married, I was in a friends wedding, a few states away, so a plane ticket, a dress, a bachelor party, sharing of the hotel suites, they never asked me if I could afford any of it, I was barely above water at the time because I had a job that paid so little.

The next year when I got married, I didn't even want a bachelor party, It's just not my personality at all.

The whole wedding scene lately is just sort of stomach turning.

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #20 on: June 09, 2014, 09:25:26 AM »
Less than a week after the party, the wedding was called off.  The wedding was planned for a Carribean island destination.  Many had made non-refundable deposits, including my friend the prospective groom himself.  I was told he had to eat $190,000 . . .  Fortunately, I had no plans to go to the wedding.

Wow!  I hope the guests could still fly out and enjoy themselves (alone).  One of the upcoming weddings is actually at an island destination (although, I can't complain overly much - the couple is paying for the accommodations for guests).  In contrast, the third wedding (my friend) is getting married at a public park.

Yikes!  Four in two years is a lot!  If it makes you feel any better, the wedding brigade tapers off at some point and this stuff becomes more sporadic.

My husband has been to two of these parties in Vegas, and while they were fun, if he was having to go to multiple trips a year, and it was taking away from your vacationing together, I'd probably be frustrated too.  I think, in his case the parties were 2-3 years apart so it wasn't a huge deal.  I have never been invited to a travel bachelorette party.

I do think these expensive party weekends are over the top, but that is because I had no bachelorette party, my husband had no bachelor party, and our wedding cost, maybe, $1500 total. 

I've only been invited to one travel bachelorette party - and technically, that was really through my husband too, as it was for his brother's wife.  I thought hard about it, but in the end opted not to go - just couldn't stomach $2000 for the plane flight to Cabos (before the house rentals, food, entertainment etc.), which would have involved at the minimum 18 hours of travel each way - for a weekend.  I get only 2 weeks vacation a year, and we were already using a week of it to attend his brother's wedding and another of his friend's last year.  It was much cheaper/shorter travel for most of her other gals as they were all coming from California.  My brother's sister didn't go either.

Yeah I hope it tapers off (even with these second weddings cropping up now)!  I thought it would this year, but nope.  DH thinks I'm insanely unreasonable about being upset about the costs/time.  He points to a friend of ours that wanted to send her husband on the WA trip (he hadn't been invited initially because they weren't invited to wedding, but asked to join - he is a fraternity brother so it wasn't a problem) because he's having a hard time at work in comparison.  Apparently I am a Bad Wife.  (What he doesn't know, is the wife agreed with me that this trip was excessive, the costs to get out there are high because it's to a little airport.  I don't think she realized it'd be so high of plane costs when they initially asked about whether my husband could find out if he could join.  And importantly, this is the first bachelor party for that friend in the 2 years - he wasn't invited to the other 3, and moreover, he and his wife have been on 2-3 vacations every year.  However, as my husband was already royally mad and not listening anymore, I gave up and didn't point this out.)  It's just not worth it trying to get my husband see my point anymore, and at the minimum just agree it's excessive (not even trying to get him to try to rein the groom in and suggest more reasonable cost options anymore).  Sending him on the trip with a fake smile doesn't even help at this point, because we're both pretty mad at each other now.  Had to listen to him pissed off going off at me for 20 mins this morning while I bit my tongue.  So at this point, it's become a lose/lose scenario no matter what, and I'm just venting here now.

Angelfishtitan

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #21 on: June 09, 2014, 09:50:05 AM »
I agree that I don't understand the destination bachelor/ette parties. I mean they are an excuse to have a little party with just your friends, right? So why would you want to then burden them with high expenses? Then again, my friends are the kind of people who are plenty happy with a bottle of bourbon, board or card games, and somewhere (preferably free) to sleep.

Anyways, I basically think my best option is to brainstorm a lot of creative fun bachelor party ideas that do not involve expensive plane flights, multiple days at a hotel/house rental, or multiple vacation days, and try to see if any of them are cool enough to attract the grooms attention instead.  Besides, who really WANTS to go to Vegas in August when it's bloody hot outside?  So, frugal bachelor party ideas?  I'll even take modest to middling levels.  Anything below $1000 really...

Since Vegas was brought up, are there any casinos that are within driving distance? Not like you need to be in Vegas to get drunk and gamble. My wife and I did a combined bachelor/ette party at a casino not too far away. We got a suite which all of us piled into (maybe a dozen of us). Think it was ~$40/person for the room, then whatever each person spent for food and gambling. Free booze so money saved there. With a nice tip to the waitress (the best money you can spend in a casino btw) she was happy to continually bring us drinks. My wife and I both paid our way for the party, we already cost our wedding party enough between clothing (and plane tickets for some) for our wedding.

It was probably a little more exciting for us though than maybe for your husband and his friends since a vast majority of us had never been to a casino before.

Edit: saw your response so I guess this idea doesn't matter anymore.

Jouer

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #22 on: June 09, 2014, 10:37:34 AM »
My friends and I do it up large for bachelor parties. In fact, we feel like we act like kings! But we've never gotten on a plane to travel for one. I can't imagine spending over a grand for a night or weekend.

We live a couple of hours from one of the greatest bachelor party cities in North America - Montreal - so we often visit there. For my own party three years ago, I told my friends to keep costs down because I valued inclusivity so they rented a giant cottage during the down-season at Mont Tremblant for a weekend. The cost was $150 per person for accommodations and all food for the whole weekend, bring your own booze. Not exactly mustachian, but not bad for living like kings for a weekend.

In the last 5 years, I've attended probably 7 bachelor parties. Not once did I use joint finances; I save up my own money. If that means no nights out for drinks, no concerts, etc. for a few months, then that's the price I pay.

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #23 on: June 09, 2014, 11:11:55 AM »
Edit: saw your response so I guess this idea doesn't matter anymore.

Yeah thanks for the thought, but unfortunately it is useless to brainstom now.  :(  He asked last night what I was doing, I said researching fun bachelor party experiences, such as whitewater rafting, or renting a schooner up in Maine, and that's when it blew up.  Didn't even get a chance to suggest the gambling spot a 1.5 hr train from here, golfing, etc.

Ashyukun

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #24 on: June 09, 2014, 11:52:30 AM »
One of the advantages of being a nerd and having primarily nerd friends- we've almost always found relatively creative and inexpensive things to do for our bachelor (and the occasional -ette...) parties.

Best one in memory was for a buddy who had always wanted to go skydiving. We were all going to be at a nerd convention for a weekend a month or do before their wedding, so those of us who live a long ways away would all be in one place. Best man found a skydiving place just outside the city and we all went there- most of us went skydiving and all pitched in to cover the groom, then headed to a paintball place and chased each other around with paintball guns for the rest of the day. Total cost was about $500 each for those of us who went skydiving, was about $150 for those who didn't skydive- but we all had a fantastic time and had lots of great stories and pictures from the experience.

RetiredAt63

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #25 on: June 10, 2014, 06:10:45 PM »
For Tremblant that sounds darn good!  And it is beautiful there any season,you don't need snow!

My friends and I do it up large for bachelor parties. In fact, we feel like we act like kings! But we've never gotten on a plane to travel for one. I can't imagine spending over a grand for a night or weekend.

We live a couple of hours from one of the greatest bachelor party cities in North America - Montreal - so we often visit there. For my own party three years ago, I told my friends to keep costs down because I valued inclusivity so they rented a giant cottage during the down-season at Mont Tremblant for a weekend. The cost was $150 per person for accommodations and all food for the whole weekend, bring your own booze. Not exactly mustachian, but not bad for living like kings for a weekend.

In the last 5 years, I've attended probably 7 bachelor parties. Not once did I use joint finances; I save up my own money. If that means no nights out for drinks, no concerts, etc. for a few months, then that's the price I pay.

rocksinmyhead

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #26 on: June 11, 2014, 07:20:54 AM »
ugh, I'm so sorry CommonCents. that sounds fucking maddening.

thank GOD I haven't had to deal with anything like this... so far I've actually only had 2 close friends get married (and I'm 26, not sure what's up with that, haha). unfortunately I had to miss one bachelorette party because my boyfriend and I had a preplanned trip that weekend we couldn't change. both were in the Twin Cities (my hometown) so for the one I went to I probably paid more than anyone else there (I think I was the only one who had to fly), but she's my oldest best friend, I could afford it, and it was (IMO) the perfect level of bachelorette party intensity... dinner and one night of party-busing around the Twin Cities to different bars, AND THERE WAS KARAOKE ON THE BUS!! then we all crashed at one girl's house (and I stayed with my parents the night before, so no hotel costs the whole weekend). totally fun and more novel than your average night going out, but still super affordable split amongst all of us. I literally don't understand why people would want to do more than that unless they're in some super spendy social circle like people in finance or big shot lawyers. I absolutely would rather splurge on a vacation for just me and my boyfriend!!!

also, for those talking about frugal vs. cheap/the level of spending MAY be worth it, for me what would piss me off the most is not the use of "our vacation funds," but the use of vacation DAYS. I know in our relationship those are extremely precious (I get plenty but my boyfriend gets very few), and even if we had to blow all our funds for the year on expensive bachelor(ette) shit like that, at least if he still had vacation days left we could probably still afford to do one of our typical cheap but super fun vacations (drive somewhere like DFW or Fayetteville, camp or stay in a cheap hotel, drink local beer, hike with our dog, the end). using up all the vacation days really sucks.

HopetoFIRE

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #27 on: June 13, 2014, 02:03:56 AM »
Sorry that you are having to go through this.  I can sympathize on this subject, but I had an easier time convincing DH that we/he should not spend that much on a weekend.  I find these types of bachelor/bachelorette parties utterly ridiculous.  I think it's silly that brides/grooms are expecting these parties and friends who cannot afford or do not want to spend that type of money may be viewed as "cheap" or as not being good friends. 

My sister was recently invited to a couple that would run her $500-$1000.  She can barely make her mortgage and now she is being pressured into going to one of these things.  DH was also invited to one in the past year or so.  It was to Cabo for a three day weekend.  It would have cost us $1000 and not only that, it would have burdened me since we have kids.  I had to work that weekend, so that means scrambling to find a babysitter (no family where we are) and me having to deal with the kids by myself.  Could we have afforded it?  Easily.  However, the stress it would cause me would not have made me very happy.  I was not ashamed to tell him that I was not happy about it.  I feel that DH's first priority is to our family and not his friends, especially not when it involves $1000 for three days away from us.  I did let him go to another BP a few weeks later in Palm Springs since it was only a 3 hour drive from us.  I did feel bad about the first trip because he may have missed out time with his friends, but I still think that the need to have a party that costs that much is ridiculous.

Once again, so sorry you have to go through this.  Although your DH may be adamant about this trip, I think it may be a good idea to let him know how it makes you feel on his list of priorities (in the most non confrontational way possible).  Afterall, why is his relationship with his friends more important than your relationship with him?  But, that's just my opinion.


MrsPete

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #28 on: June 13, 2014, 08:11:04 AM »
Yeah, my 20-something co-workers have been involved in these types of trips -- but it's NOT just the guys.  The girls take a trip too!  And I've heard of combined Jack-and-Jill trips. 

I've just wondered to myself, "You make less money than I do.  How can you afford to do this for 2-3 friends' weddings each year?"  When I was 20-something I couldn't have afforded that.  The obvious answers involve debt or lack of saving for the future. 

DeepEllumStache

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #29 on: June 13, 2014, 08:35:33 AM »
"Once in a lifetime" except it's not.  Not only does he change his mind, but he does so in an insanely expensive way.  Sucks that it then compounds and causes frustration and fights for you.

I got invited to a bachelorette weekend in Vegas for 2 friends of mine who threw a joint party.  One of them was a really close friend of mine but I still didn't go especially since I was flying down for the wedding weekend anyway.  On the other hand, my sister-in-law chose to do something local because she wanted to make sure the most people could attend.  We had a blast and then she had an allergic reaction around 10pm that landed her in the emergency room.  She was fine but disappointed.  Then again, it was pretty memorable and she laughs at it now.

Hopefully you get to enjoy your separate vacation with your friends.

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #30 on: June 13, 2014, 08:37:33 AM »
Once again, so sorry you have to go through this.  Although your DH may be adamant about this trip, I think it may be a good idea to let him know how it makes you feel on his list of priorities (in the most non confrontational way possible).  Afterall, why is his relationship with his friends more important than your relationship with him?  But, that's just my opinion.

I have.  When he's in a receptive frame of mind, his "concession" is to tell me that I should plan a trip for us.  He also said after the third one that I was "probably" entitled to take a trip of my own.  (I think these are mutually exclusive suggestions though I've never followed up to ask.)  Us taking a trip addresses some of the issues (that he spends more time/money on his friends than on me/us), but not all, or arguably really even most of the issues because it exacerbates others.  It makes us spend even more than we otherwise, and drops our vacation balance perilously low/wipes it out (and we just found out this weekend that DH's SIL is expecting, so I'm anticipating we'll be trying to take some trips out to visit them).

And yes, people are so oblivious to the costs.  BIL this weekend was saying they might get a vacation spot and we were joking about using it.  Turns out an option is Cabos, and we said "oh never mind" and they simply didn't believe me when I said I had looked into flights for SIL's bachelorette and it would have been 18hrs with connections and about $2k.  It's much cheaper to go from Cali, where they live, so they assume that's what it is everywhere!

He's off on trip #3 at the moment.

keith

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #31 on: June 15, 2014, 06:37:56 PM »
I attended a bachelor party yesterday that was really fun and didn't come anywhere close to breaking the bank. All of us were local so no one had to travel more than an hour drive.

Days festivities included:
- 2 hours of paintball
- dinner at a brewpub next to Century Link field (Seahawks stadium)
- Heading across town to play pool at a bar in the Capitol hill neighborhood. Hit a few other bars in the neighborhood as well.
- Capped off the night with a street vendor hotdog.

We were out all day and called it quits around last call. Such a good time. I spent about $100 for the whole day, as a couple other folks generously kept picking up the tab on some of the pitchers we ordered. Had I bought a few pitchers or helped with some of the other items I probably still wouldn't have even broke $150.

Exflyboy

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #32 on: June 15, 2014, 07:48:21 PM »
No freaking way would I put up with this crap!

The answer would be a flat "No"... Not what we agreed too etc etc.. end of story.

We are already FIRED and I still wouldn't do it.

Frank

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #33 on: June 16, 2014, 08:56:32 AM »
Ironically, the other wife he touted as happily sending her husband off to the party apparently had a really tough time at home alone 5 nights with her 2.5 yr old twins while working insanely long hours to finish up projects before switching jobs at the end of this week.  So unhappy yesterday her husband was looking at taking a flight home that day, one day earlier and paying the crazy change flight fees/increased fares. 

3 of the 10 out there have kids (missing Father's Day).  Maybe as more of them have kids their priorities will shift and they'll decide spending time and money on their own family is more important.  A gal can only hope.

Daniel

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #34 on: June 16, 2014, 03:37:18 PM »
Man, I guess different strokes for different folks.
I've been to three bachelor parties including my own:
1. Went to Six Flags for the Day, then out to burgers, and finished up with some fine whisky.
2. Rented a little electric boat for two hours (~$60 total) with a cooler of beer, and then went to a brewery for dinner (this was mine, and I covered the boat rental myself)
3. Went Candlepin bowling (this was actually really fun,  I'd never been before).

All less than $100 easy. I'm lucky so far in not having to spend big money!

curlycue

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #35 on: June 16, 2014, 03:45:08 PM »
This is definitely bad, but I think the bachelor party was like the male version of a bridal shower. However, now that I've been in a ton of weddings, I think being the maid of honor is worse. Not only are there expectations of a huge over the top bridal shower, but there is also the bachelorette party (destination party preferred). TWO giant over the top parties are now expected for women. And you don't even want to see World War III when I say no to that.

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #36 on: June 16, 2014, 04:16:44 PM »
It's time to have a grownup talk with your spouse that may not be too comfortable to have, but needs to be done. You basically need to explain where you are coming from just like you did on this thread.

frugalecon

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #37 on: June 16, 2014, 04:17:58 PM »
Ironically, the other wife he touted as happily sending her husband off to the party apparently had a really tough time at home alone 5 nights with her 2.5 yr old twins while working insanely long hours to finish up projects before switching jobs at the end of this week.  So unhappy yesterday her husband was looking at taking a flight home that day, one day earlier and paying the crazy change flight fees/increased fares. 

3 of the 10 out there have kids (missing Father's Day).  Maybe as more of them have kids their priorities will shift and they'll decide spending time and money on their own family is more important.  A gal can only hope.

I am sorry, but this doesn't sound like adult behavior, the prioritization of non-essentials over real responsibilities. It sounds childish.

EMP

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #38 on: June 16, 2014, 04:41:08 PM »
I'd focus on your wins. 

I was going to write something about how I appreciate my hubby after reading this (and I do), but he's got his own money issues.  I just try to remind myself how much progress he's made.  Certainly makes my life happier. 

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #39 on: June 16, 2014, 06:16:56 PM »
Ironically, the other wife he touted as happily sending her husband off to the party apparently had a really tough time at home alone 5 nights with her 2.5 yr old twins while working insanely long hours to finish up projects before switching jobs at the end of this week.  So unhappy yesterday her husband was looking at taking a flight home that day, one day earlier and paying the crazy change flight fees/increased fares. 

3 of the 10 out there have kids (missing Father's Day).  Maybe as more of them have kids their priorities will shift and they'll decide spending time and money on their own family is more important.  A gal can only hope.

I am sorry, but this doesn't sound like adult behavior, the prioritization of non-essentials over real responsibilities. It sounds childish.

You're talking about a friend, I assume?  It's a bit harsh criticism. At the time they planned the trip they had no idea she'd get the new job.

A_P_

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #40 on: June 16, 2014, 08:39:39 PM »
I agree with this overall. I definitely would steer clear of the real expensive bachelor parties, and I'm glad I don't have anyone in my circle of friends that's really like that.

That being said, I don't have a problem with out-of-town/travel bachelor parties in general. These days, I feel like people are generally more mobile than they used to be (i.e. friends move elsewhere after college). So, moreso than in the past, people need to travel for bachelor parties. However, when I had mine, I tried to make it as easy as possible for my friends to get to. I was the one that moved away, and the majority of my friends lived near Chicago, so we had the party there. I think the travel can be unavoidable in a lot of cases, but some of the other costs are definitely out of control, I'll agree with that.

Cassie

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #41 on: June 17, 2014, 11:36:57 AM »
I was totally shocked when I read this!  Talk about things getting out of control.  I agree 100% with Iris Lilly! It sounds to me that hubby is still acting like a single guy instead of a married man because he is not putting his wife before his friends. 

Ohio Teacher

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #42 on: June 18, 2014, 10:17:05 AM »
This whole idea of expensive BP trips is fascinating to me.  Every BP I've attended, including my own, followed the same formula: 1. go to a food/drink place, 2. Do "something" - I went to an entertainment complex that included go-karts and mini-bowling, 3. Strip club(s).
The last option is surely not for everyone, but in my circle, a BP means at least 1 strip club will be visited.  Not Mustachian, sure, but a hell of a lot cheaper than traveling to expensive vacation destinations.  There's only one more guy that needs to get hitched, so I'm sure this formula will be followed one last time.

ketchup

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #43 on: June 18, 2014, 10:28:39 AM »
Jeez.  The only bachelor party I've been secondarily involved in was my buddy's that he threw for his brother.  I lent him some N64 controllers.  Bunch of guys came over to his house, drank beer, and played Nintendo 64.

T-Rex

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #44 on: June 18, 2014, 10:49:23 AM »
Bachelor/ette parties are a waste of money for a completely stupid reason. Honestly, what actual thing are people celebrating? As a celebration, its relevance and legitimacy falls somewhere in between a "Sweet 16" and Cinco de Mayo as celebrated by clueless white people.

JPinDC

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #45 on: June 18, 2014, 11:25:04 AM »
I have a friend who attended a bachelor party where they did "Air Combat" missions. This costs $1,400 PER PERSON and was part of a 3-day weekend full of bachelor party events.

Blindsquirrel

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #46 on: June 29, 2014, 08:27:35 PM »
 Wow, who knew,  the old school hookers and blow was way cheaper.

MgoSam

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #47 on: June 30, 2014, 07:28:10 AM »
Man, sadly I am one of those that thought of a trip to Vegas or Miami for a bachelor party was the norm. At least it was for many in my family growing up. That said, my siblings weddings were weeklong affairs (traditional Indian weddings have many many events prior to the actual wedding), with a ton of people and at fancy venues with open bars. The sad part is that the Indian community is so goosipy that no matter how elaborate a wedding was, the only thing people would talk about the next week was about any defects. "Oh the speeches were too long, or they did have enough appetizers, or not enough food dishes.

For the past two years I've gone to many weddings that were way more intimate and relaxed, and they were a lot more fun. There were several without any alcohol and guess what, they were just as fun! One of my friends just got married and for his bachelor party they went to his favorite restaurant and then back to a groomman's house for drinks. His wife had her friends over to give each other pedicures. That seems a lot more fun than having a shitshow (at least to me).

Jennifer in Ottawa

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #48 on: June 30, 2014, 09:41:09 AM »
A "Once in a lifetime" event means just that.  Once. 

Also, wouldn't it be lovely if we could all just drop life and jet off to Cabo or Paris on a private plane and drink Cristal from Antique crystal goblets while indulging in complete debauchery any old time we felt like it?

Perhaps, but the sad plain fact is that you either look rich or be rich.

Wedding celebrations should be special, but unfortunately, people run through spouses at an astonishing rate these days.  So if you are in the process of being lured into spending a fortune for someone else's wedding or bachelor/bachelorette parties, decline.  Offer instead to do something expensive and awesome with them for their 20th Wedding anniversary.  You'll find you won't have to do that nearly as often.

sobezen

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #49 on: July 08, 2014, 11:29:26 PM »
It's time to have a grownup talk with your spouse that may not be too comfortable to have, but needs to be done. You basically need to explain where you are coming from just like you did on this thread.

Agreed!  CommonCents, your man may not understand your concerns.  Talk with him and openly share like you've done with us here.  I personally wish the women I dated were as reasonable and responsible and creative thinking as you. 

That said as a guy I feel the bachelor party is becoming the one time the guy gets something he really wants from the engagement/wedding "show".  Do most guys care about rings, the clothing, venue, colors or other aspects of the wedding?  In my experience, not as much as the bride.  So perhaps a part of the emotions behind the bachelor party excess is the possibility, that many men simply don't care for a lavish wedding?  After all, since the bride is having a glorious party why shouldn't the groom?