Author Topic: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party  (Read 30051 times)

MgoSam

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #50 on: July 09, 2014, 08:47:35 AM »
After all, since the bride is having a glorious party why shouldn't the groom?

Therein lies the rub. Weddings imo have become arm's races between brides, and now grooms are joining the fray.

DoubleDown

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #51 on: July 09, 2014, 01:23:13 PM »
I think any kind of expensive outing or destination wedding/party is extremely presumptuous and self-centered. This bachelor party definitely qualifies as over the top. Unless the host is picking up the bill for all involved, it is such a rude thing to plan an expensive outing and expect others to attend -- and even worse for the self-centered person (groom) to expect someone else to host and pay for such an expensive  party centered around them!

It reminds me of when I was a kid, and poor, and other kids (or even the school) would suggest and organize doing some expensive thing that my family just did not have the money to do. They were just clueless that not everyone could afford the weekend ski trip to Vale, or whatever. So, I missed out. Now that I have the money to do such things, I would never dream of suggesting a trip or activity that is going to exclude someone who cannot afford it, or who doesn't want to blow 10% of their annual income on a lark.

Too bad for CommonCents her husband is unwilling to beg off. I would have no problem telling my "great friend" that I'm sorry, I cannot host such an outing for them, they should find another person to serve as best man to throw this party for them.

CommonCents, as you know, you are not crazy for thinking this is all over the top, especially for the fourth trip in a year.

greenmimama

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #52 on: July 09, 2014, 01:37:51 PM »
A "Once in a lifetime" event means just that.  Once. 

Also, wouldn't it be lovely if we could all just drop life and jet off to Cabo or Paris on a private plane and drink Cristal from Antique crystal goblets while indulging in complete debauchery any old time we felt like it?

Perhaps, but the sad plain fact is that you either look rich or be rich.

Wedding celebrations should be special, but unfortunately, people run through spouses at an astonishing rate these days.  So if you are in the process of being lured into spending a fortune for someone else's wedding or bachelor/bachelorette parties, decline.  Offer instead to do something expensive and awesome with them for their 20th Wedding anniversary.  You'll find you won't have to do that nearly as often.

oh so true

gimp

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #53 on: July 09, 2014, 06:59:05 PM »
I'd be pissed too, CommonCents. You're treating the man like his mother. Talking about permission to go.

You've both got reasons to be pissed at each other, none the least of which is that you're having trouble communicating. Just remember this: the more you seek to exert control, the more he's going to be resentful of it.

And before you say, "Well, he _is_ acting like a child" realize that that attitude is _exactly_ why you're here venting on an internet forum instead of having an adult conversation.

ShortInSeattle

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #54 on: July 14, 2014, 09:25:24 PM »
OK, perhaps I'm gonna get punched, but I don't see the need for outrage here.  It sounds to me like your hubby really values his friendships, and that part of the way he expresses it is by being a part of the big life events. Clearly these things are really important to him.

Now I agree that you have a legitimate beef here - you want to vacation with your hubby and his sudden plans are throwing that off.  So by all means bring up your disappointment and reaffirm your need for couples-time. See how he responds to you, and how he plans to make it right.

He tried, anyway, by encouraging you to have friend-time too, but that isn't really what you want. But it shows he isn't entirely selfish. He is trying to be fair at least.

But I don't think that getting angry, or "putting your foot down" is a helpful response. He's not a child. He has needs and so do you. You won't always agree with one another. You cannot bend a partner to your will.

I hope he comes around to understanding how important it is that you two get some vacation time together. It sounds like he isn't hearing that message yet.

Take a breath, remember why you love him, and speak. :) 


Bigote

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #55 on: July 14, 2014, 11:49:08 PM »
I've been to 2 bachelor parties in South Beach and one in Riga - that was pricey.


Best thing I can say is you do seem to age out of this.  But in my case not until I was almost 40. 

theconcierge

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #56 on: July 15, 2014, 01:56:20 AM »
funny you should mention this. I JUST got invited to a B party in vegas...........




we all live in Australia!

HairyUpperLip

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #57 on: July 15, 2014, 08:20:45 AM »
funny you should mention this. I JUST got invited to a B party in vegas...........




we all live in Australia!

Do it bro. Use your accent to have sexual relations with loose American women. Vegas is the place to do it. lol

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #58 on: July 15, 2014, 10:51:28 AM »
For those suggesting I share with him what I've shared here, as I did here, I did.  I talked to him (hence why I've got lots of information on his points).  At some point, unfortunately, after you've both listened to each other's perspectives fully, and still disagree though, it's not really "trouble communicating" or a lack of "an adult conversation."  It's a disagreement over values/spending etc., not a lack of understanding, explanations or communications.  (And there was no "permission required to go" either.  Not sure where that came up by a poster.  I was unhappy with his decisions and actions, but I did not say he couldn't go, and in fact explicitly said I wasn't going to do that although I admitted wanting to do so.  I'm not perfect, I experience anger/envy/the other 7 deadly sins, etc.  But heck, the whole world would be condemned if we went by inner thoughts/emotions rather than actually our actual actions and words.)

Update: We attended the (destination wedding) for the most recent bachelor party this weekend.  A few things came out:

1. A number of the wives aren't happy about this spending and bachelor trips, to varying degrees.

One is incredibly unhappy in (her one year) marriage on a number of fronts, and finances is one of them.  One significant difference is that they are apparently quite pressed financially and the husband's lopsided spending takes away not from savings (as in our case) but in the wife having any money to spend on things for herself.  While we're getting a lopsided story that doesn't entirely add up, knowing this was sobering to my husband as he doesn't want his buddy to have these issues in his marriage, nor did he realize it was that bad.

I think knowing multiple wives feel this way (and it sounds like if things don't change with the one, it could end up in a divorce), may help the guys to moderate a bit more in the future, as before they believed it was "just their wife" but the others were "all cool" with it.

2. I recognize that maybe we really are at the end of these parties in this group

We looked around at the wedding and realized that at least in this particular college group, maybe everyone really is married off, almost all within the last five years (the guys are mid-30s).  So there's less of a reason for the "bachelor party."  Only a few have kids so far, but more want them, which will make trips harder.  If I can genuinely believe this is the end of the "lifetime trips", and there aren't going to be yet more surprise trips next year or the following, then I can have a better grace about these.  Part of the frustration is the feeling that each year the parties are a surprise and are anted up higher and higher each time.

3. The guys have agreed it might actually be fun to have a group trip with the wives too.

This is the first time the couples in this group really spent any length of time together, as we all spent a minimum of three nights at the resort for the wedding activities.  (The guys are all in the same fraternity.  I'm one of a few wives that attended the same college and knew most them back in the day, although not super close, and I didn't meet my husband until many years after graduation as we were different years.)  So it helped to have everyone get to know each other better, have a good time, and realize, wow, it could be fun to do again.  The wives also proposed that if they needed it, the guys could go off and do their own things during the day (as would we) and get together just in the evenings.

4. And separately, DH has said he actually doesn't want to do the upcoming bachelor trip (for an old coworker) in mid-August.

He's emailed out as Best Man, but is hoping the others can't make that particular weekend.  He gets burnt out by travel, and between the parties, the weddings (had two this past week), and work travel, he has little juice left in the tank right now (which isn't much fun for me either).  It helps me to know he's at least making an effort now to suggest other options to the groom rather than just going with the flow.  It's not that I necessarily expected him to say "I won't go", I really just wanted him to just try to moderate the trip and propose fun activities that are more local and thus less costly for vacation and money.

Re the idea of this being an arms race, it's true in the case of this upcoming party.  DH told me he thinks the groom mostly wants Vegas because he wants the bride to realize that he too could have strippers at his party, and that will influence her to moderate her behavior at her party.  Seems a shitty reason for a party to me (and one ought to trust their partner), but what do I know?

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #59 on: July 16, 2014, 04:51:55 PM »
Thanks for the update. Sounds like better times are ahead for the group.

retired?

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #60 on: November 04, 2014, 03:51:25 PM »
CommonCents - you pointed me to this stream from another post. 

Aside from the high cost ($500/day per person), I think the part I'd be more mad about (and perhaps you are) is that he takes these sorts of trips more often than trips with you. 

There's no way I could get away with it even if I wanted to.  Now that I am past the "wedding years", these take place perhaps every 2-3 years, but I'd probably spend $300-350/day tops (flight, housing, food and entertainment).  Hopefully, yours will slow down.  How often does he initiate the trips?  A biggie is that, as you point out, the use of vacation days for guy trips cuts into how much he can use with you.

Another "event" that really slows these down is having kids.  If he doesn't grow out of it, it is likely his friends will.

Good luck!

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #61 on: November 05, 2014, 08:38:24 AM »
Hi retired?, yes, the lack of trips for us due to a lack of vacation days and not wishing to spend a fortune on vacations is upsetting.  (And the solution that I spend money on separate trips to make it equal isn't a "solution" in my mind.  I married him because I want to spend time with him!) 

Part of the issue of these trips is lifestyle inflation.  They used to be happy crashing at one guy's house and catching up for a weekend (so cost = flight plus alcohol/food for the weekend, largely bought at store and grilled).  Now, it's much fancier and plans take longer to get together so flights costs are up.  Some have *really* good jobs (e.g. one is VP, doing trading at a major company) and are very well-off so they are much less price sensitive.

Kids...I'm sure you're right, with the caveat that 2 of the primary instigators may not (be able to) have kids, due to age and known fertility issues of the wives.  One of the trips this year was over Father's day.  2 of the guys had kids and weren't too pleased the others didn't think about the timing.  (And the one with small twins his wife had such a hard time at home while he was gone that he almost flew back early.)

SpicyMcHaggus

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #62 on: November 14, 2014, 12:16:15 PM »
Settle on a budget. Get a pre-paid card from wal-mart for that amount. Keep the rest of the credit cards.
That way you don't have to fight about how much was spent and why.  $500 is the limit (or 5000. whatever. ) and when it's gone it's gone.

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #63 on: November 14, 2014, 03:51:16 PM »
Settle on a budget. Get a pre-paid card from wal-mart for that amount. Keep the rest of the credit cards.
That way you don't have to fight about how much was spent and why.  $500 is the limit (or 5000. whatever. ) and when it's gone it's gone.

Hi Spicy, this is a bit of a dead thread from a bunch of months back.  In any event, the issue was in deciding on that budget bc we did not agree.

Bob W

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #64 on: November 14, 2014, 05:20:44 PM »
What happened to keeping it simple? A few grams of blow, a bottle of tequila, and the local strip club?
      yes

Pigeon

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #65 on: November 14, 2014, 07:47:40 PM »
I've never even heard about these types of bachelor party. Insane. I hate what weddings have become for so many. My husband would never go to one of these as he would think it was stupid too.

If my sister or my kid invited me to a destination wedding, I'd send a gift and wish them well, but I think it's the height of arrogance to think you get to dictate how everyone else should spend their vacation days and blow their budget.

iris lily

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #66 on: November 15, 2014, 11:47:19 AM »

... but I think it's the height of arrogance to think you get to dictate how everyone else should spend their vacation days and blow their budget.
exactly  my thought, I just cannot relate to people who seem to be happy that someone has chosen their vacation spot. And it's most ALWAYS in boring Carribean places.

Now honey, give me a niece's wedding in a Scottish castle and I am THERE. Or a nephew getting married in India--yep, I might go. India is my dream vacation.

Our friend was going to get married in Korea and I would quite possibly have attended that one since I love Asia, but she later broke off that engagement.


eae550

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #67 on: November 18, 2014, 12:11:21 PM »
my husband and I live a plane ride away from both of our parents, so we need to save travel $ and vacation days for holidays, trips for family events, etc... We go to a TON of weddings we need to fly to, so we have a "one flight per wedding" rule, and let friends know that up front. If i have to fly for the wedding i cannot fly for a shower, engagement party, bachelorette party, etc... I never want people to have a different party on my account, i just let them know I have a lot of weddings and I can't travel far plane for the other events. As long as you are consistent across the friends in one group I think it won't cause strife. Also, if you skip something send a gift, or if it's a bachelorette party have a friend who is going buy a round on you, etc.. something to let the bride or groom know you are thinking of them and wishing you could be there in person.

I did go to one destination bachelorette party in Vegas and the bride's mother paid for us to rent a huge house, it was awesome and we could eat and drink from the grocery store and not spend $75 per person on lunch and a few drinks every day at a hotel pool.

CommonCents

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Re: The Rise of the Expensive Bachelor Party
« Reply #68 on: November 18, 2014, 12:34:34 PM »

... but I think it's the height of arrogance to think you get to dictate how everyone else should spend their vacation days and blow their budget.
exactly  my thought, I just cannot relate to people who seem to be happy that someone has chosen their vacation spot. And it's most ALWAYS in boring Carribean places.

Now honey, give me a niece's wedding in a Scottish castle and I am THERE. Or a nephew getting married in India--yep, I might go. India is my dream vacation.

Our friend was going to get married in Korea and I would quite possibly have attended that one since I love Asia, but she later broke off that engagement.

Been there, done that.  :)  2010 I attended my friend's wedding in India.  (And in 2004 I visited the friend in India.  She was from there, though mostly lived in the US/England since high school.)  It was an incredible cultural experience.  (We also enjoyed a week of travel after the wedding virtually free and largely stress free, thanks to the groom's father, who arranged for our transport and to stay in guest houses free of charge.  In fact, our "handlers" as we took to calling them, often took us out for meals too and insisted on paying as well.  One big perk of my friend marrying the son of the Managing Director of the State Bank of India...)

The other option for the Caribbean wedding would have been the bride's home in Brazil, but they nixed that idea sadly.  That wedding though the couple ended up paying for a few nights hotel accommodations for every guests.

eae550, my friend living in London goes one step further.  She now has a 2-wedding rule.  She'll fly back from London to attend two weddings - if you tell her first (or second), she'll attend yours.  I did send a very expensive shower present for my SIL-to-be last yeat, and send an expensive bottle of champagne for her wildly expensive bachelorette when I didn't attend those remote events.  Normally I think its nice to do but shouldn't be expected to send on a gift if you can't attend.