I hate the wedding spending more than anyone. It's completely spiraled out of control and has basically become the rite of passage for most new couples on their path to a lifetime of money problems.
But I also think that trying to fight it begins toeing the line between frugal and cheap. If you are so concerned about money that you are willing to risk alienating your best friends in life because you'd rather not spend it, you might be dangerously close to the cheap side.
From MMM's brilliant article on Frugal vs. Cheap:
When you’re on a first date or out with friends, it may be perfectly appropriate to pick up the tab, spontaneously buy pitchers of beer, and otherwise burn off a week’s worth of grocery money in four hours. And do it without worrying a bit, because you know you can afford it in the long run. If you do it right, you’re buying experiences you’ll remember for a lifetime and building friendships of similar longevity.
Perhaps the reason your husband hasn't pushed back on these excessive parties is because he genuinely enjoys the experiences and memories they build with some of his most cherished friends?
Is it excessive? Yes. Does it suck to get dragged down with the big spenders? Yes. But IMO this is just one of those things not worth fighting over when you know you can afford it. Friends and family... that's really all we've got in the world. Starting a fight over this would tell me you value money more than those two.
See, I disagree with this, and not only for what iris lily said. I also disagree, because you know what - I'm important too. And he's not making ME a priority, when he spends the vacation money and days on a 4:1 ratio on his friends as compared to me. It's a priority to spend money/time on them for their Special Day, without creating a similar priority for us, and for the fun experiences/memories we might create. It's pretty selfish and short-sighted for marital happiness, to not invest in your marriage. Instead, our vacation money, and his vacation days, goes to fund never ending bachelor parties.
He does enjoy the experiences/memories, but that doesn't mean he can't have same quality memories from less expensive trips. (I often think those are the best anyways. One of my favorite vacations during college was a week long canoe trip.) Some of them are his college buddies whom he's hung out with when they were all poor. Now, some have hit big (Walla Walla guy is a VP trading stocks with a major well known company. His home is a 3-bed apartment in a nice location in Manhattan with the top rooftop deck all to himself, paid about $3 million in cash. A well known TV celebrity used to live on the 2nd floor.) So for them, spending is no problem.
Your characterization of frugal v. cheap is particularly bothersome on this forum, in part because it seems to suggest you MUST pay lots of money in order to have a good time. And MMM's pitcher of beer in no way compares to these trips - I am sure he'd be appalled. (And I'll note, I did already suggest an expensive, lavish "round of beer" already by suggesting taking him out to dinner and a night out. That level of spending, $200-300, I'm ok with.)
To me, on this subject:
Cheap: No bachelor party at all.
Halfway between cheap and frugal: Bring a six pack over to a friends house, order pizza, and hang out.
Frugal: Have a good time, but spend under $500. Go golfing, rent a boat, rent a cabin and bring a keg, stay at the $3 million NY pad for free, etc.
I think a friend is not a good friend if they are alienated by you saying "whoa, hold up, that's really quite pricey and out of my budget. How about X instead?" They risk alienating me by making choices about how to spend our money for us (and don't forget it is tradition for the groomsmen to pick up the groom's tab) and by selecting crazy expensive options.
I think you have to bite the bullet in this case because he is the best man and with that comes an obligation to make the bachelor party everything the groom hopes for and more. I would make it very clear from then on out that you come first and he is doing something with you before the next one comes up.
Does it change your opinion that, as mentioned above, when asked it was specifically with the caveat that it would NOT include a bachelor party of any kind (which now has morphed into an expensive one)? I guess I feel that agreeing to be part of a wedding party incurs certain obligations (e.g. you buy or rent the outfit they ask of you) but there's also a limit to it (e.g. you expect to pay say, $150 for the dress but put your foot down at buying the $650+ one a la Bridesmaid's movie, or you expect a few hundred for a party not a few thousand). Here, he didn't even have an expectation of any party outlay, because it was off the table from the get go.
Yikes OP. I could say that this is a function of your age where all of your compatriots are getting married, and in some way it is, but in the end you are right, Bride Brain and a new sense of entitlement for that Special Day is now the norm. Even if, as evidenced by your friend, there are often several Special Days in the life of one guy or girl. Heck why NOT get married several times, think of all of the Special Parties everyone can throw for you!
Well, at (almost) 35/38, you'd think we'd be out of the wedding season of life! DH told me last year that it was the last bachelor parties, because all of his friends were married - but then two more of his friends turned up this year! I doubt we'll ever be "done" with wedding because we're starting in on the wave of divorces now. 3 weddings last year, 3 this year.
Absolutely, it's now multiple Special Parties for Special Days - there's a shower for this couple too. (I suspect because the bride is first time, but I know of people who have gotten married second/third time for both and still had a shower.)
But finally, I will say that the real problem here is that the OP and her SO don't share values about this particular financial life challenge. Here's to hoping that her SO will "get it" soon since he's reasonable about other financial things. And finally, it's really great when one can find friends who share financial values. Most of the U.S. is not like us (and I am still finding that out) and when one can socialize with people who share values, it's a nice thing.
Oh 100% this is the issue. DH won't push back on this. He's frugal in many ways, but not on dinning (wants to eat out often, and doesn't like to bring lunches to work at all), which I combat by reluctantly doing 90% of the cooking. This unfortunately, there's no real way for me to combat.
Anyways, I basically think my best option is to brainstorm a lot of creative fun bachelor party ideas that do not involve expensive plane flights, multiple days at a hotel/house rental, or multiple vacation days, and try to see if any of them are cool enough to attract the grooms attention instead. Besides, who really WANTS to go to Vegas in August when it's bloody hot outside? So, frugal bachelor party ideas? I'll even take modest to middling levels. Anything below $1000 really...