Last week I became aware of a story that belongs here, somewhere, though it's not exactly shame or comedy. It's a shame and a tragedy, although not exactly a surprise, considering bad choices made.
A woman I have known for years just took care of her partner through five months of brain cancer.
Irene had been with her partner, an older man, for many years, something like a decade. Her partner, Brian, was still married to another woman (the Wife) at the time of his death, although they'd been separated for years.
The first signs that Brian was sick were things like he stopped paying his share of the bills, including taxes, utilities, rent, etc. He just stopped and said he was not going to pay them, because he didn't want to. At first, Irene thought he was having a mental breakdown or late life crisis (he was in his late 60s) but then they found out about the tumor.
Things got bad fast, and she was there for him. She cooked for him, did his laundry, took care of all the necessary things, as well as getting him hospice and working with them to make his last months as comfortable as possible. She put her own work pretty much on hold, and since she is in a business where there is no paycheck, you eat what you kill, her income fell to almost nothing.
He died and she woke up to the following facts:
Brian never updated his will, so according to the will made decades ago, the Wife gets anything he has.
Irene and Brian never married, so no pension or social security benefits.
He'd been paying half the bills for years, and now she has to cover everything herself, on a temporarily reduced income.
Because she devoted herself to him, she's made almost nothing for half a year. She has little in the bank, and no source of ready income, except for hitting her business as hard as she can right now. Irene is selling everything she has that she doesn't need to get enough cash to cover her rent, food, gas, and utilities.
Friends are helping by covering some of her bills for a month or two. Others are buying groceries and gas cards to get them over the gap between now and the time she closes some deals and gets her commission.
That's the sad story. I feel sorry for her on so many levels, she lost her partner of many years and can't really grieve him in peace, because she's scared and mad.
I can see where bad choices were made, both by Brian and by Irene, and if I could hop in a time machine, I'd go back and warn them. Sans DeLorean, all her friends can do is feel bad for Irene, and do what we can to support her and help her. I am looking at anything I do for her as a gift, because even if she gets in the position to pay me back, I don't need the money. I am in a place where I can give generously. I really believe she will be okay in the end, because she is a tough person, and willing to work hard and do what it takes to get back on her feet. This is a blip in her life, a setback, not the end of her story.
I guess the reason I am sharing this is a warning to people sharing their life with someone without knowing what the financial facts are. Married or not, do you know what the will says? Is there a will? Where is it filed? Do you know if there is insurance, and if there is, where is the policy? Is the policy still in effect? Where are your bank accounts and investment accounts, and how much dosh is in them? I know there are some partnerships/marriages where one person takes care of financial decisions and pays the bills and keeps things up to date, but I think the other partner/spouse needs to KNOW the facts of where, what, how much, and what do I do afterwards?
Do you have an emergency stash so if your partner loses it, or spends all the money in your joint accounts on hookers and blow, you can get by for a while? I am addressing most of these questions with women in mind, because women are most often the ones that get left with nothing to show if a relationship of years goes away because of death or divorce/your husband running off to Vegas with a bleach-blonde bimbo. But it can happen to a man too. Your wife could spend every single cent of your cash on scratch-offs and leave you for Julio the pool boy. What would you do if you woke up without partner, without money, without plan? You'd be so much better off if you knew where you stood and had some plan in place.