Author Topic: Roommate Rant  (Read 75036 times)

LeRainDrop

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #100 on: June 30, 2016, 02:24:22 PM »
Two posts from Ask A Manager -- one that may help you with your current dilemma, and one that should give you solace about the past:
http://www.askamanager.org/2011/04/my-friend-is-applying-for-my-job-and-i-dont-want-to-recommend-her.html
http://www.askamanager.org/2012/07/my-friend-hates-me-for-stealing-her-job.html

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #101 on: June 30, 2016, 02:27:30 PM »
Here's what you have to do.

First, take Jack's resume, give it to whoever is in charge while the boss is away, admit that you're doing it as a favor to your roommate, and tell the truth about why you don't think he'd be a good hire. There's no reason to beat around the bush unless you want to look like someone who's easily manipulated.

Second, start treating each bottle your good booze like a girlfriend.

Suppose, for whatever reason, you had several attractive, intelligent, fit, Mustachian women who were into booty calls, and who wanted to hang out with you in a consensual, polyamorous, non-jealous way. You wouldn't even have to pay for dinner: all they want is to be loved and appreciated, and to enjoy the time they spend with you. So here you are with a short-term girlfriend, or two, or five, or however many bottles of good booze you have. Each is unique. Each is different. How would you deal with this situation?

What you're not going to do, is share. If a gorgeous woman was in lust with you, would you really set Jack up with her instead? No. You are a gentleman. So show some respect.

Acknowledge your girlfriends, invite them to your parties, and encourage them to socialize with your friends and family. Set aside intimate time with each of them one-on-one, and perhaps have a couple of three-ways if you really want to get your lips wet. But keep them from crossing Jack's path.

Jack knows your girlfriends exist, and he's clamoring to be set up with them because in his mind you've got more poon than you really need or can service. Yet that would be a waste of a sensitive, caring partner. So unless you've got some kind of masochistic cuckold fetish, fob Jack off with the alcoholic equivalent of the fugly wingwoman: the IPA perhaps, or the light beer. You've already made him a gift of it. Remind him of that.
 
In this way, you preserve your alpha status. Leave him only the leavings from your wildebeest kill, and make sure you take all the best bits for yourself.

O' the dishes... you're giving a fuck again. Either that, or your fucks simply like to weasel out of confinement and go yipping and baying after things that don't matter, like a poorly trained dog chasing a car. Find a way to contain this wayward fuck, and if you see it start to do the car chasing thing, kick it in the ribs. Then, it will momentarily become a flying fuck, but at least it will not be given.

Do your dishes, ignore Jack's, and if the stench is too terrible or it's attracting vermin, say so.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2016, 02:36:43 PM by TheGrimSqueaker »

LeRainDrop

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #102 on: June 30, 2016, 02:30:32 PM »
Also waiting for the Grim Squeaker to reply to your post.

Honestly, 50% of the reason I posted was to get GrimSqueaker's take on the situation. I do like the rest of you, but I'm practically drooling in anticipation for that goldmine of a response.

Here's what you have to do.

OMG, the Grim Squeaker delivers masterfully again!

Midwest

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #103 on: June 30, 2016, 02:34:37 PM »


Suppose, for whatever reason, you had several attractive, intelligent, fit, Mustachian women who were into booty calls, and who wanted to hang out with you in a consensual, polyamorous, non-jealous way. You wouldn't even have to pay for dinner: all they want is to be loved and appreciated, and to enjoy the time they spend with you. So here you are with a short-term girlfriend, or two, or five, or however many bottles of good booze you have. Each is unique. Each is different. How would you deal with this situation?

Acknowledge your girlfriends, invite them to your parties, and encourage them to socialize with your friends and family. Set aside intimate time with each of them one-on-one, and perhaps have a couple of three-ways if you really want to get your lips wet. But keep them from crossing Jack's path.


Dear Penthouse  - LMAO.  Well done.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #104 on: June 30, 2016, 02:38:28 PM »
You folks are starting to give me performance anxiety.

Kitsune

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #105 on: June 30, 2016, 02:59:48 PM »
Here's what you have to do.

First, take Jack's resume, give it to whoever is in charge while the boss is away, admit that you're doing it as a favor to your roommate, and tell the truth about why you don't think he'd be a good hire. There's no reason to beat around the bush unless you want to look like someone who's easily manipulated.

Second, start treating each bottle your good booze like a girlfriend.

Suppose, for whatever reason, you had several attractive, intelligent, fit, Mustachian women who were into booty calls, and who wanted to hang out with you in a consensual, polyamorous, non-jealous way. You wouldn't even have to pay for dinner: all they want is to be loved and appreciated, and to enjoy the time they spend with you. So here you are with a short-term girlfriend, or two, or five, or however many bottles of good booze you have. Each is unique. Each is different. How would you deal with this situation?

What you're not going to do, is share. If a gorgeous woman was in lust with you, would you really set Jack up with her instead? No. You are a gentleman. So show some respect.

Acknowledge your girlfriends, invite them to your parties, and encourage them to socialize with your friends and family. Set aside intimate time with each of them one-on-one, and perhaps have a couple of three-ways if you really want to get your lips wet. But keep them from crossing Jack's path.

Jack knows your girlfriends exist, and he's clamoring to be set up with them because in his mind you've got more poon than you really need or can service. Yet that would be a waste of a sensitive, caring partner. So unless you've got some kind of masochistic cuckold fetish, fob Jack off with the alcoholic equivalent of the fugly wingwoman: the IPA perhaps, or the light beer. You've already made him a gift of it. Remind him of that.
 
In this way, you preserve your alpha status. Leave him only the leavings from your wildebeest kill, and make sure you take all the best bits for yourself.

O' the dishes... you're giving a fuck again. Either that, or your fucks simply like to weasel out of confinement and go yipping and baying after things that don't matter, like a poorly trained dog chasing a car. Find a way to contain this wayward fuck, and if you see it start to do the car chasing thing, kick it in the ribs. Then, it will momentarily become a flying fuck, but at least it will not be given.

Do your dishes, ignore Jack's, and if the stench is too terrible or it's attracting vermin, say so.

If you are ever in rural Quebec and in need of a drink, I will happily provide, on the strength of this tread alone.

PencilThinStash

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #106 on: June 30, 2016, 03:03:30 PM »
Hahaha sorry about that, GrimSqueaker. Great response, as always. Particularly the part about how to turn my escaped fucks into flying fucks.

LeRainDrop, thanks for the links. Solid advice.

Suppose, for whatever reason, you had several attractive, intelligent, fit, Mustachian women who were into booty calls, and who wanted to hang out with you in a consensual, polyamorous, non-jealous way.

Thanks for putting that picture in my mind, by the way. Damn it, now I'm tempted to go create a thread in Mustachian and Single...

SwordGuy

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #107 on: June 30, 2016, 03:31:13 PM »

A personal favorite of mine:

"On the Lighter Side:

A Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations

by Robert J. Thornton

Letters of recommendation are becoming increasingly unreliable as a means of evaluating candidates for employment. The chief reason is that the contents are no longer strictly confidential. In all but the rarest of cases a letter is apt to be favorable, even when the writer knows the candidate is mediocre or unqualified. This is because the writer fears that the candidate may later exercise his legal right to read the letter, and perhaps even sue if the contents are not to his liking.

While abolishing the practice of requiring letters of recommendation may at first seem like a good idea, there is really no better way to get reliable information about a candidate's qualifications than to ask people who have had close contact with him or her. What is needed is a means by which the letter writer can convey unfavorable information in a way that the candidate cannot perceive it as such. To this end I have developed the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations, or LIAR.

Here are a few samples:

(1) To describe a candidate who is woefully inept:

    “I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

(2) To describe a candidate who is not particularly industrious:

    “In my opinion you would be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

(3) To describe a candidate with lackluster credentials:

    “All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

(4) To describe an ex-employee who had difficulty getting along with his co-workers:

    “I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

(5) To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:

    “I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

(6) To describe a job applicant who is worth no further consideration:

    “I would urge you to waste no time in making this person an offer of employment.”

Any of the above may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal qualities, work habits, or motivation of the candidate while allowing the candidate to believe that it is high praise. In any case, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof. "

Dezrah

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #108 on: June 30, 2016, 04:30:37 PM »
GS,

I get the spirit and humor of your metaphor but I think it nudges a little too far into “objects=women, women=objects” territory.  I don’t think you’re a misogynist (misogynists don’t use phrases like “consensual, polyamorous, non-jealous” to describe relationships) and I’m not looking to censor or condemn you, but I do think you can do better.  You’re a clever and witty guy; I don’t doubt you could come up with an equally humorous analogy that doesn’t objectify a subset of the population.

Besides, you have to admit the analogy really does break down when you consider there’s no risk of the scotch turning to Pencil and saying “You know I’ve had a really great time with you, but at this point I’d rather be drunk by Jack instead.  I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings but this is how I roll as a polyamorous, non-traditional bottle of booze.  You can either respect my decisions or GFTO.”  Or at least I assume this is the case.  I haven’t bought scotch in a long time, so maybe things have changed.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #109 on: June 30, 2016, 04:57:57 PM »
GS,

I get the spirit and humor of your metaphor but I think it nudges a little too far into “objects=women, women=objects” territory.  I don’t think you’re a misogynist (misogynists don’t use phrases like “consensual, polyamorous, non-jealous” to describe relationships) and I’m not looking to censor or condemn you, but I do think you can do better.  You’re a clever and witty guy; I don’t doubt you could come up with an equally humorous analogy that doesn’t objectify a subset of the population.

Besides, you have to admit the analogy really does break down when you consider there’s no risk of the scotch turning to Pencil and saying “You know I’ve had a really great time with you, but at this point I’d rather be drunk by Jack instead.  I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings but this is how I roll as a polyamorous, non-traditional bottle of booze.  You can either respect my decisions or GFTO.”  Or at least I assume this is the case.  I haven’t bought scotch in a long time, so maybe things have changed.

What's wrong with comparing women to beverages and noting that some of us are considered more valuable and desirable than others? It's fact.

All analogies eventually break down. In this particular case it's the booze that will eventually run out.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2016, 05:01:21 PM by TheGrimSqueaker »

SwordGuy

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #110 on: June 30, 2016, 05:04:12 PM »

What's wrong with comparing women to beverages and noting that some of us are considered more valuable and desirable than others? It's fact.

All analogies eventually break down. In this particular case it's the booze that will eventually run out.

Not necessarily.   Sometimes the women run out the door... :)

PDM

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #111 on: June 30, 2016, 06:09:29 PM »
Oh for the love of god do not recommend him. You have enough trouble living with the guy - imagine if you had to see him all day at work as well. Shudder.


Captain FIRE

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #112 on: June 30, 2016, 06:26:44 PM »
As I’m opening them, Jack walks into the living room and says “Damn, looks like we don’t need to buy booze for a while, we’re gonna drink good!” Because, being a mooch, someone else’s good fortune naturally translates as his own. I’m all for sharing a drink here and there, hell, we had people over a few nights ago and I opened the private stash to start everybody off with a nice drink. I’m not trying to be a selfish prick, but damn it, don’t act like you have an equal right to my shit.

Easy enough.  Next time in the moment deliver a clear "no" with a bit of humor to make it palatable.  e.g. "What do you mean we, paleface?"

If he responds still insisting on a right to it, be more direct (w/o the humor).  "Don't make me regret sharing my extra food last week, or I'll won't be able to offer anything to you again!  These are my presents, thank you very much."

It's like training a puppy.  Start early (you missed this one).  Set clear boundaries.  Enforce the boundaries consistently.  Keep it simple.  Repeat. 

PencilThinStash

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #113 on: July 01, 2016, 08:59:48 AM »
I got home last night, and once again Jack brought up the idea of me getting him a job. I repeated that there's not much I can do right now, then turned to him and said, "Don't you think that we'd get sick of each other? I mean, living together AND working together? I think that would get old really quick. There are actual in-love couples who couldn't stand to be around each other that much."

"No, PencilThinStash, I don't think that would be an issue at all. You know how similar our minds are - When I'm at work, I get in the zone and focus 100% on that. If your office is on the other side of the building, we'd never really see each other."

Our minds are similar, are they? This from the guy who, before I started setting boundaries, once told me, "I don't know how you spend so much time planning and over-analyzing. And depriving yourself because something doesn't fit in your budget? If my mind worked like that, I'd kill myself."

Oh, but NOW our minds are similar. Holy hell, fuck off.

Anyways, I didn't blow up on that yesterday, we continued the discussion and eventually it came out... the reason that Jack won't stop harping on this topic is because his unemployment just ran out and he can't make life work on his current income.

WHAT?!?!?

Turns out this guy has been on unemployment since he got "laid off" in November. I had no idea until last night.

"Yeah, PencilThinStash, that job is sort of my only way out of this mess. I mean... well... I'll probably be okay through July. But starting in August, I'm fucked. Not sure how I'll pay rent and buy food if I don't start working there soon."

Well, jackass, you'd better damn well find a way. I'll give the owner your resume, but it'll be very clear to him that it's not my recommendation. After that - Beg, borrow, steal, but there's no way in hell I'm covering your share of the rent. If I'm paying for the full apartment, then I'm getting the full thing to myself. Because I am EXACTLY the right amount of icy-hearted bastard to kick you out at that point.

Hell, if I were a little more sarcastic/blasphemous, I could even say that this is Divine Providence shining down on me, opening up the option for another roommate.

Grab your popcorn, boys and girls, apparently this train wreck is just getting started.

patchyfacialhair

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #114 on: July 01, 2016, 09:05:41 AM »
Posting to follow. With GrimSqueaker's ridiculously awesome/hilarious advice and PencilThinStash's reliable follow through on keeping the forum updated, this is all too good to miss.

And don't worry GS, they sell pills at the gas station for performance anxiety.

Captain FIRE

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #115 on: July 01, 2016, 09:54:23 AM »
Danger, Will Robinson.

Set boundaries now!  Express dismay (and sympathy - but w/o offers to help), and ask a lot of "what will you do if"?  Point out he shouldn't carry all of his eggs in one basket and start telling him now that you can't carry the whole place by yourself so you'll have to get someone new in.  Ask if he needs a hand looking for cheaper places to live and tell him you'll need to start having people in to look at the room.  Thank him for telling you now so you can start looking for a new roommate.  Don't let this get to the end of the month and be a surprise to him that you won't cover him. 

Do NOT float him even one month because it won't end there as you know.

andy85

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #116 on: July 01, 2016, 10:09:06 AM »
(i am at work right now) just realized i was sitting here, eyes wide open, popping cashews like popcorn, enthralled in your update. This is great. Good luck man!

PencilThinStash

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #117 on: July 01, 2016, 10:57:27 AM »
Danger, Will Robinson.

Set boundaries now!  Express dismay (and sympathy - but w/o offers to help), and ask a lot of "what will you do if"?  Point out he shouldn't carry all of his eggs in one basket and start telling him now that you can't carry the whole place by yourself so you'll have to get someone new in.  Ask if he needs a hand looking for cheaper places to live and tell him you'll need to start having people in to look at the room.  Thank him for telling you now so you can start looking for a new roommate.  Don't let this get to the end of the month and be a surprise to him that you won't cover him. 

Do NOT float him even one month because it won't end there as you know.

Great idea. I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow - when I get back next week I'll bring that discussion up. Make it appear I spent the whole trip puzzling on it, like I'm actually worried.

Jack can try to get money out of me, but to give my best impersonation of the late great Charlton Heston:

FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!

shelivesthedream

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #118 on: July 01, 2016, 11:02:01 AM »
Danger, Will Robinson.

Set boundaries now!  Express dismay (and sympathy - but w/o offers to help), and ask a lot of "what will you do if"?  Point out he shouldn't carry all of his eggs in one basket and start telling him now that you can't carry the whole place by yourself so you'll have to get someone new in.  Ask if he needs a hand looking for cheaper places to live and tell him you'll need to start having people in to look at the room.  Thank him for telling you now so you can start looking for a new roommate.  Don't let this get to the end of the month and be a surprise to him that you won't cover him. 

Do NOT float him even one month because it won't end there as you know.

All this.

If only you had the option of either kicking him out for non-payment of rent but making sure he gets the job OR unrecommending him for the job but still living with him. I'm enjoying the updates and advice you're getting but spending 24 hrs a day with him would be way too much.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #119 on: July 01, 2016, 11:08:48 AM »
Posting to follow. With GrimSqueaker's ridiculously awesome/hilarious advice and PencilThinStash's reliable follow through on keeping the forum updated, this is all too good to miss.

And don't worry GS, they sell pills at the gas station for performance anxiety.

My performance anxiety medicine is sold by the bottle.

JLee

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #120 on: July 01, 2016, 11:29:36 AM »
Danger, Will Robinson.

Set boundaries now!  Express dismay (and sympathy - but w/o offers to help), and ask a lot of "what will you do if"?  Point out he shouldn't carry all of his eggs in one basket and start telling him now that you can't carry the whole place by yourself so you'll have to get someone new in.  Ask if he needs a hand looking for cheaper places to live and tell him you'll need to start having people in to look at the room.  Thank him for telling you now so you can start looking for a new roommate.  Don't let this get to the end of the month and be a surprise to him that you won't cover him. 

Do NOT float him even one month because it won't end there as you know.

Great idea. I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow - when I get back next week I'll bring that discussion up. Make it appear I spent the whole trip puzzling on it, like I'm actually worried.

Jack can try to get money out of me, but to give my best impersonation of the late great Charlton Heston:

FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!

Make sure your alcohol stash is inaccessible in the meantime, or you might come back to a pile of empty bottles on the counter.

Captain FIRE

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #121 on: July 01, 2016, 12:23:30 PM »
Danger, Will Robinson.

Set boundaries now!  Express dismay (and sympathy - but w/o offers to help), and ask a lot of "what will you do if"?  Point out he shouldn't carry all of his eggs in one basket and start telling him now that you can't carry the whole place by yourself so you'll have to get someone new in.  Ask if he needs a hand looking for cheaper places to live and tell him you'll need to start having people in to look at the room.  Thank him for telling you now so you can start looking for a new roommate.  Don't let this get to the end of the month and be a surprise to him that you won't cover him. 

Do NOT float him even one month because it won't end there as you know.

Great idea. I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow - when I get back next week I'll bring that discussion up. Make it appear I spent the whole trip puzzling on it, like I'm actually worried.

Jack can try to get money out of me, but to give my best impersonation of the late great Charlton Heston:

FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!

Make sure your alcohol stash is inaccessible in the meantime, or you might come back to a pile of empty bottles on the counter.

True.  Again, like a puppy, be prepared for bad behavior after you tell him this.  I'd honestly see if a friend can stash your nice alcohol (and anything else nice he might get into) in the meantime.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #122 on: July 01, 2016, 01:06:30 PM »
I got home last night, and once again Jack brought up the idea of me getting him a job. I repeated that there's not much I can do right now, then turned to him and said, "Don't you think that we'd get sick of each other? I mean, living together AND working together? I think that would get old really quick. There are actual in-love couples who couldn't stand to be around each other that much."

"No, PencilThinStash, I don't think that would be an issue at all. You know how similar our minds are - When I'm at work, I get in the zone and focus 100% on that. If your office is on the other side of the building, we'd never really see each other."

Our minds are similar, are they? This from the guy who, before I started setting boundaries, once told me, "I don't know how you spend so much time planning and over-analyzing. And depriving yourself because something doesn't fit in your budget? If my mind worked like that, I'd kill myself."

Oh, but NOW our minds are similar. Holy hell, fuck off.

Anyways, I didn't blow up on that yesterday, we continued the discussion and eventually it came out... the reason that Jack won't stop harping on this topic is because his unemployment just ran out and he can't make life work on his current income.

WHAT?!?!?

Turns out this guy has been on unemployment since he got "laid off" in November. I had no idea until last night.

"Yeah, PencilThinStash, that job is sort of my only way out of this mess. I mean... well... I'll probably be okay through July. But starting in August, I'm fucked. Not sure how I'll pay rent and buy food if I don't start working there soon."

Well, jackass, you'd better damn well find a way. I'll give the owner your resume, but it'll be very clear to him that it's not my recommendation. After that - Beg, borrow, steal, but there's no way in hell I'm covering your share of the rent. If I'm paying for the full apartment, then I'm getting the full thing to myself. Because I am EXACTLY the right amount of icy-hearted bastard to kick you out at that point.

Hell, if I were a little more sarcastic/blasphemous, I could even say that this is Divine Providence shining down on me, opening up the option for another roommate.

Grab your popcorn, boys and girls, apparently this train wreck is just getting started.

AWHOOGAH! AWHOOGAH! AWHOOGAH!

Control Room to Captain PencilThinStache! Another of your fucks has escaped and is headed in the direction of whether or not Jack gets a job. Recommend emergency containment procedures to prevent full IS-LOCA. If the fuck is not contained and redirected, you must initiate SCRAM to release the fuel rods and prevent a full reactor core meltdown.

Seriously, whether he has a job or not is only a blip on the radar screen to the extent that you and he are on a lease together. If he's not on the lease, then he has no rights and you can kick him out. If he IS on the lease, then you're about to have a big problem. So in case he doesn't have a job by the end of the month, call the landlord and do whatever it takes to get him "let out" of the lease so that he's not on the hook for payments and so that his credit won't be affected.

As long as Jack's name is on the lease, he has the full legal right to stay there until the end of the lease term, regardless of whether he's paying rent, and the two of your are jointly and severally responsible for the rent payments. Meaning... if he doesn't pay, you are legally obligated to cover his share, you can't get rid of him since he has the legal right to be there, and the only way to break up the lease is to go to court and have the landlord evict both of you. Which will suck. THAT, my dear sir, is the direction in which you must aim your fuck.

Your problem is not whether or not Jack gets a job, but you've allowed it to become your problem by not addressing your real problem, which is whether or not Jack is on the same lease as you.

Dezrah

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #123 on: July 01, 2016, 01:16:10 PM »
In all seriousness, what happened to his benefactor who treated him like family, the one who was going to give him $100k or something? Obviously that was clearly BS all along but I'm curious what Jack would have to say about it.

PencilThinStash

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #124 on: July 01, 2016, 01:30:57 PM »
AWHOOGAH! AWHOOGAH! AWHOOGAH!

Control Room to Captain PencilThinStache! Another of your fucks has escaped and is headed in the direction of whether or not Jack gets a job. Recommend emergency containment procedures to prevent full IS-LOCA. If the fuck is not contained and redirected, you must initiate SCRAM to release the fuel rods and prevent a full reactor core meltdown.

Seriously, whether he has a job or not is only a blip on the radar screen to the extent that you and he are on a lease together. If he's not on the lease, then he has no rights and you can kick him out. If he IS on the lease, then you're about to have a big problem. So in case he doesn't have a job by the end of the month, call the landlord and do whatever it takes to get him "let out" of the lease so that he's not on the hook for payments and so that his credit won't be affected.

As long as Jack's name is on the lease, he has the full legal right to stay there until the end of the lease term, regardless of whether he's paying rent, and the two of your are jointly and severally responsible for the rent payments. Meaning... if he doesn't pay, you are legally obligated to cover his share, you can't get rid of him since he has the legal right to be there, and the only way to break up the lease is to go to court and have the landlord evict both of you. Which will suck. THAT, my dear sir, is the direction in which you must aim your fuck.

Your problem is not whether or not Jack gets a job, but you've allowed it to become your problem by not addressing your real problem, which is whether or not Jack is on the same lease as you.

Unfortunately... He IS on the lease.

Which, I suppose made my "kick him out" comment a little premature. Knee-jerk reaction before I'd taken the time to think through the process. You may be a delightful rubber duck, but one of my greater flaws is that I'm only human.

You misunderstood, though - I'm still not recommending him for the job. And I don't care whether he gets another job or not, hence my "beg, borrow, or steal" line.

My fuck is 100% aimed at how to either get him off this lease or break out of it myself. Any situation where I'm liable for the full rent, while he can't afford to pay for his half? Unac-fucking-ceptable.

MrsDinero

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #125 on: July 01, 2016, 01:41:08 PM »
Unfortunately... He IS on the lease.

are you on the lease?  If you are you might be responsible for 100% of the rent even if he doesn't have money.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #126 on: July 01, 2016, 02:11:29 PM »
Oh, I'm not suggesting that you recommend him for the job. That would make at least some of his problems into your employer's problems, and by extension, your problems. Not at all good for fuck conservatorship.

('scuse me while I pull on these thigh-high leather boots and jodhpurs and pick up a quirt while someone else beats out a drum line cadence in the background)

Everybody fucks up sometimes, even rubber ducks. But the beauty of selective fornication donation-- the ability to aim one's fucks and fire only at will with sniper-like precision-- is that we use it to do three things.

(now I have one of those old-fashioned slide shows and am reading the following list in my best Untergang voice, smacking each point with the quirt as I go.)

1. Ve keep our fuck-ups from affecting other people
2. Ve limit other people's ability to affect us with their fuck-ups, und
3. Ve ensure the lines of communication are open at all times for the times when things get out of control no matter what we do.

You must now either speak to Jack's parents, and inform them what their little Scheissekopf has done, or get him to do it himself.

Other options include pimping Jack out: if the back pages of the local newspaper don't pan out for him, then depending on how the landlord swings Jack might be able to take his part of the rent out in trade.

The final fallback position is to get Jack to ask the landlord to let him (but not you) out of the lease. Does the lease have a buyout clause or is it the full pound-me-in-the-ass version? And, can you replace Jack with someone who's less of an infant?

patchyfacialhair

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #127 on: July 01, 2016, 02:18:54 PM »
Do some homework. Your landlord or management company may have special rules for removing someone from a lease.

I worked in property management for a couple of years. Sadly, unless he comes in to take himself off the lease (if that's allowed, you'll both probably have to sign an addendum to the lease...no biggie), you're SOL.

You need to make it clear that he is to get a job, any job, as you will not cover his living expenses (whether you can or not is not the point...make it clear you will not). Worst case scenario has already been spelled out; he remains on the lease through the end date, and you're on the hook for everything. Don't try to pull anything or only pay your half. YOU DO NOT WANT AN EVICTION ON YOUR RECORD. Many landlords can deal with mediocre credit, but an eviction on your record is very very bad.

CheapskateWife

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #128 on: July 01, 2016, 02:29:45 PM »
+1 to going to the landlord NOW....

As a property manager, I am 100% ready to work with a tenant who comes to me in advance with a problem and a reasonable solution.  I will not however be drawn into drama...so my renters who split up and wanted to split their payments.  Abso-fucking-lutely not.  I don't give a crap who pays, but I will only be accepting one payment per month for the full amount. 

If however, you want out of your lease early....no problem with 30 -60 day warning....especially if individual tenant is ready to sign a new lease.    I would be willing to bet that if you are proactive, your landlord will work with you to an amenable solution

PDM

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #129 on: July 02, 2016, 06:20:54 PM »
This is the thread that just keeps giving. I dont know what to expect next...

tardis

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #130 on: July 02, 2016, 06:44:40 PM »
Following.

JAYSLOL

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #131 on: July 02, 2016, 07:09:48 PM »
Hahaha sorry about that, GrimSqueaker. Great response, as always. Particularly the part about how to turn my escaped fucks into flying fucks.

LeRainDrop, thanks for the links. Solid advice.

Suppose, for whatever reason, you had several attractive, intelligent, fit, Mustachian women who were into booty calls, and who wanted to hang out with you in a consensual, polyamorous, non-jealous way.

Thanks for putting that picture in my mind, by the way. Damn it, now I'm tempted to go create a thread in Mustachian and Single...

That might actually solve your problems :)

SoccerLounge

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #132 on: July 03, 2016, 01:28:57 PM »
Emphasis mine:

Control Room to Captain PencilThinStache! Another of your fucks has escaped and is headed in the direction of whether or not Jack gets a job. Recommend emergency containment procedures to prevent full IS-LOCA. If the fuck is not contained and redirected, you must initiate SCRAM to release the fuel rods

I sure as hell hope not ;)

I've been following this thread because a lot of what GS says is the advice I often find myself giving to friends who, frankly, care too much about what Absolute Jackasses think of them. (As opposed to what nice, kind, selfless, quality people think of them, which is often a much more useful metric.) I would get this sucker out of your apartment as soon as possible by any means necessary. But then I'm kind of a dick, so your mileage may vary. In any case: save your fucks for other people!

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #133 on: July 03, 2016, 01:39:23 PM »
Emphasis mine:

Control Room to Captain PencilThinStache! Another of your fucks has escaped and is headed in the direction of whether or not Jack gets a job. Recommend emergency containment procedures to prevent full IS-LOCA. If the fuck is not contained and redirected, you must initiate SCRAM to release the fuel rods

I sure as hell hope not ;)

I've been following this thread because a lot of what GS says is the advice I often find myself giving to friends who, frankly, care too much about what Absolute Jackasses think of them. (As opposed to what nice, kind, selfless, quality people think of them, which is often a much more useful metric.) I would get this sucker out of your apartment as soon as possible by any means necessary. But then I'm kind of a dick, so your mileage may vary. In any case: save your fucks for other people!

Dropping the rods (or SCRAM) is a disaster response procedure for nuclear power plants. When you've got a loss of coolant accident (LOCA), particulary an inter-system (IS) variety, one of the fallback emergency responses is to limit the size of the disaster by getting the rods out of the system. That procedure is called SCRAM. Techniques vary (you don't really want to do it manually) but if the rods are held in place electromagnetically all you have to do is cut power to the circuit. When you release those fuel rods, gravity takes over and the rods fall down into whatever containment system you've designed. The nuclear reaction doesn't stop but it does slow down, and then the hazardous waste is confined to one area instead of spread out wherever the coolant went. So, yes, when shit hits the fan and you're having a core meltdown, you do indeed want to drop the rods so as to limit the damage.

SoccerLounge

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #134 on: July 03, 2016, 05:24:57 PM »
Dropping the rods (or SCRAM) is a disaster response procedure for nuclear power plants. When you've got a loss of coolant accident (LOCA), particulary an inter-system (IS) variety, one of the fallback emergency responses is to limit the size of the disaster by getting the rods out of the system. That procedure is called SCRAM. Techniques vary (you don't really want to do it manually) but if the rods are held in place electromagnetically all you have to do is cut power to the circuit. When you release those fuel rods, gravity takes over and the rods fall down into whatever containment system you've designed. The nuclear reaction doesn't stop but it does slow down, and then the hazardous waste is confined to one area instead of spread out wherever the coolant went. So, yes, when shit hits the fan and you're having a core meltdown, you do indeed want to drop the rods so as to limit the damage.

Well, when you SCRAM a light-water reactor you simultaneously insert all the control rods, not the fuel rods. The fuel rods stay put (outside of a refuel) - the control rods are what we move to directly affect reactivity.

Edit: I will allow a variance if, in your design for a reactor best suited to generating fucks rather than heat, you have found moving the actual fuel more effective for controlling the amount of fucks given to nincompoops like PencilThinStache's roomie.
« Last Edit: July 03, 2016, 05:39:12 PM by SoccerLounge »

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #135 on: July 03, 2016, 06:33:25 PM »
Dropping the rods (or SCRAM) is a disaster response procedure for nuclear power plants. When you've got a loss of coolant accident (LOCA), particulary an inter-system (IS) variety, one of the fallback emergency responses is to limit the size of the disaster by getting the rods out of the system. That procedure is called SCRAM. Techniques vary (you don't really want to do it manually) but if the rods are held in place electromagnetically all you have to do is cut power to the circuit. When you release those fuel rods, gravity takes over and the rods fall down into whatever containment system you've designed. The nuclear reaction doesn't stop but it does slow down, and then the hazardous waste is confined to one area instead of spread out wherever the coolant went. So, yes, when shit hits the fan and you're having a core meltdown, you do indeed want to drop the rods so as to limit the damage.

Well, when you SCRAM a light-water reactor you simultaneously insert all the control rods, not the fuel rods. The fuel rods stay put (outside of a refuel) - the control rods are what we move to directly affect reactivity.

Edit: I will allow a variance if, in your design for a reactor best suited to generating fucks rather than heat, you have found moving the actual fuel more effective for controlling the amount of fucks given to nincompoops like PencilThinStache's roomie.

Acknowledged: in a light-water reactor we shall SCRAM control rods. But we've simply got to design our fuck-generating reactor differently. For one thing, in a fuck generating reactor, control is generally not provided by rods so much as by sphincters. Insertion of multiple rods is a delicate process that can be extremely uncomfortable at the best of times.

Fuck generating fuel can be defined as an item of desire or contention. Removing such an item from view, availability, or consideration slows down the fuck generating process but may not completely stop it.

SoccerLounge

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #136 on: July 03, 2016, 06:51:37 PM »
Acknowledged: in a light-water reactor we shall SCRAM control rods. But we've simply got to design our fuck-generating reactor differently. For one thing, in a fuck generating reactor, control is generally not provided by rods so much as by sphincters. Insertion of multiple rods is a delicate process that can be extremely uncomfortable at the best of times.

Fuck generating fuel can be defined as an item of desire or contention. Removing such an item from view, availability, or consideration slows down the fuck generating process but may not completely stop it.

Rather than SCRAM, I propose a new mechanism for emergency shutdown of PencilThinStash's fuck-giving capacity: CRAM, which is initiated by turning the fuck-giving switch to SHUTDOWN and saying to the roomie, "You can CRAM it, you mooching asswipe." No further action necessary except maybe calling a waah-mbulance for the victim.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #137 on: July 03, 2016, 08:53:50 PM »
Acknowledged: in a light-water reactor we shall SCRAM control rods. But we've simply got to design our fuck-generating reactor differently. For one thing, in a fuck generating reactor, control is generally not provided by rods so much as by sphincters. Insertion of multiple rods is a delicate process that can be extremely uncomfortable at the best of times.

Fuck generating fuel can be defined as an item of desire or contention. Removing such an item from view, availability, or consideration slows down the fuck generating process but may not completely stop it.

Rather than SCRAM, I propose a new mechanism for emergency shutdown of PencilThinStash's fuck-giving capacity: CRAM, which is initiated by turning the fuck-giving switch to SHUTDOWN and saying to the roomie, "You can CRAM it, you mooching asswipe." No further action necessary except maybe calling a waah-mbulance for the victim.

Agreed, with two further design features. First, the existing fucks will have to be redirected to the contract between Jack, PencilThinStache, and the landlord. Second, PencilThinStache will have to be explicit about where and how the CRAM should occur. Jack's not very good with boundaries or verbal instructions so the lad will have to have it spelled out for him.

To illustrate, with yet another offensive analogy...

A long time ago when schematics were still drawn on paper and rolled up for ease in transport, an engineer handed a manager such a rolled drawing as evidence that the engineer's opinion was in fact correct. The manager refused to take it, and told the engineer to stick that drawing wherever it fit best. The engineer shrugged and then said: "Fine. Bend over."

SwordGuy

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #138 on: July 03, 2016, 10:01:41 PM »
20 to 1, if you go to your landlord and tell him the following they will work with you:

1) My roommate lost his job last November and just now told me, after the unemployment ran out.  He didn't start looking for a job until last month.

2) My roommate is a mooch and I would rather be evicted than live with him and pay his half of the rent, letting him live off of me scot free.

3) If you let us out of the lease I'll sign a new lease without him on it that will keep you collecting your rent checks on a timely and regular basis.

4) I'll be getting a new roommate at some point but I don't want them on the lease so neither of us has to go thru this drama again.  I have learned from my mistake.

And I'm really bummed that no one appears to have appreciated the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Referrals.  I think they are a real hoot.


Ann

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #139 on: July 03, 2016, 11:50:10 PM »
Yeah.  I think the problem with kicking Jack out of "your" apartment is that legally it isn't more your apartment than his.  But I agree -- talk to your landlord and see if either YOU can get out of the apartment or get Jack out.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #140 on: July 03, 2016, 11:54:13 PM »
20 to 1, if you go to your landlord and tell him the following they will work with you:

1) My roommate lost his job last November and just now told me, after the unemployment ran out.  He didn't start looking for a job until last month.

2) My roommate is a mooch and I would rather be evicted than live with him and pay his half of the rent, letting him live off of me scot free.

3) If you let us out of the lease I'll sign a new lease without him on it that will keep you collecting your rent checks on a timely and regular basis.

4) I'll be getting a new roommate at some point but I don't want them on the lease so neither of us has to go thru this drama again.  I have learned from my mistake.

And I'm really bummed that no one appears to have appreciated the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Referrals.  I think they are a real hoot.

They hit a bit too close to home. I've used a couple of them myself, such as "I cannot recommend this candidate too strongly." But I always feel like such a weasel.

O' the lease: unless Jack shows up in person wanting to be taken off the lease as well as PencilThinStache, no landlord in his right mind will boot him out. All Jack would have to do is go crying to the nearest ambulance chaser about how the evil landlord didn't follow the proper eviction process, and the landlord would be in abatement hell. But if both people agree, the lessor can write an addendum to the existing contract, replacing Jack with someone else or allowing PencilThinStache to qualify solo. Yet that doesn't necessarily mean that PencilThinStache's next roommate can be an off-the-lease sublet with any random person, or a string of people (which might be the case if he follows through on his threat to post in the Mustachian dating forum). No sensible landlord will allow that.

Jackthe

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #141 on: July 04, 2016, 02:20:19 PM »
Sorry to things are turning out this way PencilThinStash...

OK, that might be not completely true. For you as a person, Yes I'm sorry; I truly am.
From my egoistical point of view: please share more!

marty998

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #142 on: July 04, 2016, 03:26:21 PM »
Sorry to things are turning out this way PencilThinStash...

OK, that might be not completely true. For you as a person, Yes I'm sorry; I truly am.
From my egoistical point of view: please share more!

For a moment Jack I thought you were the subject of this drama...

Paul der Krake

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #143 on: July 04, 2016, 05:40:58 PM »
I had a somewhat similar situation with a hell-ish roommate a few years back. Thankfully, everyone in the house had separate leases, and he was eventually forced out. But boy the ordeal was consuming every shred of idle brain power. You seem to be taking it in stride and handling it really, really well.

With This Herring

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #144 on: July 04, 2016, 07:55:38 PM »
Posting to follow...

And I did appreciate LIAR.

pbkmaine

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #145 on: July 04, 2016, 07:57:05 PM »
When does the lease end?

SwordGuy

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #146 on: July 04, 2016, 08:59:11 PM »
I agree that both parties have to ask the landlord to get released from the lease or the landlord isn't likely to do it.

That said, there is no reason to tell the roommate you'll be re-renting the apartment after you get off the lease.


mustachepungoeshere

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #147 on: July 05, 2016, 05:31:38 AM »
Being called on the mooching, and cut off, is not actually new to the moocher. Nor will it hurt his feelings. He already doesn't give a fuck about you or your well-being, except to the extent that you're able to provide for him.

Took me so long to realise this about my sister.

I would feel conflicted over whether or not to give in to her demands, then feel guilty for denying her pleas (mostly for cash). She would push back for a minute or two, call me a bitch and a tightarse, then move on to the next victim without a second thought.

It certainly never dissuaded her from calling the next time she wanted something.

I read somewhere: givers have to set limits because takers never do.

eyesonthehorizon

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #148 on: July 05, 2016, 08:30:45 AM »
Dezrah, thanks for nailing charitably and exactly my feelings on the women=booze analogy. Squeaker, you give far too consistent an impression of being a brilliantly clever writer to settle for a tired, cliché "women are also consumable goods..." It's too culturally-sanctioned and workaday for even the cheaper surprise of actual offense - it commits the more egregious sin of being distastefully boring. I'd not think you had it in you to disappoint the ladies so, when pointedly and readily you can delight with the anatomical applications of nuclear analogy (and schematics) and a sprinkling of carefully-dispensed, hand-reared, probably cage-free sound effects. Bravo. (Willl the term 'fast insertion' actually go unused? I am surprised.)

To the OP: I second all the suggestions for at least some transparency with the landlord, as they're likely to see more money in keeping your honest and responsible self long-term than driving you off, though you may need to volunteer transferring to another unit to keep the mooch from trying to outstay his own contractual entitlement. Have I, among others, missed the lease timeframe above? You've done incredibly well sublimating the insanity of the situation into a serial for us here but we want to hear it end well.

Making Cookies

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Re: Roommate Rant
« Reply #149 on: July 05, 2016, 12:41:15 PM »
Get rid of this roomie and go solo for a while. Quietly and carefully tell boss that he is your roomie and you wouldn't hire him. Avoid people who think your things are their things. I was very, very glad to get to that point in my life that I could avoid having roomies.