Author Topic: Weddings.  (Read 15690 times)

firelight

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #50 on: May 18, 2017, 03:01:47 PM »
I've gone to a bunch of weddings where the cost is reasonable (15k-20k) but most of them were paid by the parents and the bride and groom were pretty decent and didn't have any weird rules. That said, there was one wedding I attended that had a Bridezilla and it left such a bad taste that I've started declining invites if I even suspected the bride would be a Bridezilla. Too much drama for a day and too many people hurt!

Goldielocks

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #51 on: May 18, 2017, 03:47:02 PM »
I had friends who had a wedding scheduled.  The guy went away on his guys camping trip prior to the wedding (a month or so).  Except he was "camping" with a girl he met on the internet.

So...they postponed the wedding till the following year.  Okay.  They still went on the honeymoon!

(They are still married 25 years later, so there is that.)

So the guy met some girl on the internet in 1991? Impressive. Was she some kind of computer nerd?

She must have been.  He was for sure (we are engineers).  The (future) wife didn't exactly offer up any details on her personality.  I mean, he drove from VA to FL to meet her.

Does anyone here besides me remember "the internet" from back then?  Mostly just email?  I still remember my first email address.

Okay, folks,  my sister had her first on-line date (meet up) in 1985.   She is definitely NOT a nerd or techno-phile.   However, if you had access to a computer and/ or BBS / Modem, chatting with people online was not that much different from texting today -- everyone does it because it is accessible.  In fact, I bet that she is the typical "iphone only" type gadget girl now, that rarely uses a PC, went into nursing, etc.

We had access to the computer because my dad loves tech, and he used it to do his management costing reports from home to spend more time with us after hours.  For the record, it was an Apple IIe.

Torran

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #52 on: May 18, 2017, 04:22:19 PM »
Two more stories (I can't help myself) but this time about cheap weddings:

My favorite:
When my brother got married it cost the bride and groom, I think, about £300. His wife had a lot of family and friends-of-family and they had this place on a beach where they stored props for a theatre company (no really). Their wedding present to the couple was to decorate this place and provide a buffet. There seemed to be loads of people involved, so they pulled off a fantastic night. The place was decorated with dark fabric covered in silver stars, candles everywhere, fairy lights, and later on there was another nearbye building with lots of sofas and wood-burning stoves where we all stayed up chatting and eventually fell asleep. My parents paid for a pub meal after the ceremony and before the party. It was BRILLIANT. Their wedding rings cost £7. My sister-in-law made her own dress.

The worst:
For a start, the couple bitched about how expensive weddings are for years beforehand, so I assumed they were going to 1. have a tiny wedding, or 2.not have one at all. But no, they decided to have a big white wedding with all the trimmings, but just made is painfully obvious that they resented how much it was costing them. It was on a farm but there was no heating in the venue, so it was flippin freezing. There was a cold buffet but not enough food for everyone. The alcohol ran out pretty quickly (a mortal sin at a Scottish wedding). But the bride had the usual big white meringue dress which I assume cost quite a lot. Flowers, photographer, all the shit that really costs money.
It was kind of miserable to attend as a guest, and I really wished they'd stopped moaning about the expense and just had a smaller wedding, maybe with heating, and enough food, or, maybe the same amount of food but less guests. I really wouldn't have minded if my invitation got lost in the post.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #53 on: May 18, 2017, 04:46:14 PM »
@TheGrimSqueaker

That is horrible. Those people should have at least had the courtesy to have a conversation with you.

It would have taken more than courtesy. It would have required a willingness to own their behavior and decision-making, to address the reasons for the exclusion, and to accept the fallout from the decision (no wine, or possibly having to pay for the cost of materials) in a mature way.

I'm trying to imagine how the conversation would go.

"Hey, Grim, your ex is dating my ex. Are you part of a large-scale conspiracy to undermine my happiness?"
"Yo, Squeak. Because we heard a rumor about a two people you haven't seen in ages, we don't want you to come to the reception."
"Hail, O Exalted Royal Rubber-Duck. Some stuff is going on, my bride-to-be is upset because of it, and the upshot is that we have to entertain you separately instead of at the reception."
"Heads up, GrimSqueaker: your booze is welcome here but you're not."

I suppose any of these non-passive-aggressive approaches would have led to a discussion and maybe a solution, possibly even with no hard feelings. Instead, they chose to pee on my leg and tell me it was raining. That's not a way to preserve the relationship, but to them a couple cases of wine was more important.

Spiffsome

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #54 on: May 18, 2017, 05:59:09 PM »
Hey Squeak,

This is an off-topic question, but what's your policy on cutting people off? I've got a few friend-type relationships in my life that are probably going to terminate fairly shortly, and I think it's probably for the best, but it's making me think about what circumstances are appropriate for letting a relationship go versus trying to confront & clear the air. What do you think?

meghan88

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #55 on: May 18, 2017, 06:25:21 PM »
@TheGrimSqueaker

That is horrible. Those people should have at least had the courtesy to have a conversation with you.

It would have taken more than courtesy. It would have required a willingness to own their behavior and decision-making, to address the reasons for the exclusion, and to accept the fallout from the decision (no wine, or possibly having to pay for the cost of materials) in a mature way.

I'm trying to imagine how the conversation would go.

"Hey, Grim, your ex is dating my ex. Are you part of a large-scale conspiracy to undermine my happiness?"
"Yo, Squeak. Because we heard a rumor about a two people you haven't seen in ages, we don't want you to come to the reception."
"Hail, O Exalted Royal Rubber-Duck. Some stuff is going on, my bride-to-be is upset because of it, and the upshot is that we have to entertain you separately instead of at the reception."
"Heads up, GrimSqueaker: your booze is welcome here but you're not."

I suppose any of these non-passive-aggressive approaches would have led to a discussion and maybe a solution, possibly even with no hard feelings. Instead, they chose to pee on my leg and tell me it was raining. That's not a way to preserve the relationship, but to them a couple cases of wine was more important.

Maybe, just for fun, you can tap them for something that you need that's in their wheelhouse / line of work, for a real or made-up special occasion of yours, to which they may or may not be invited?  Just to see their reaction.

NoVa

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #56 on: May 18, 2017, 07:38:17 PM »
This was 30+ years ago. We did a "formal elopement." Got married in a church, 4 people and the pastor, no one else invited. Reception thrown by our roommates, we lived in a group house, 5 working adults, anyone who wanted could come. Took all the money we saved and spent it on the honeymoon, 2 days in New York, 3 days in Athens, Greece, then a week long cruise around the Greek Isles and parts of Turkey. Santorini, Rhodes, Ephesus, Istanbul, etc. I am not into ceremony, wife doesn't like drama. We spent the money on what we thought would bring the most happiness.

Abo345

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #57 on: May 18, 2017, 07:56:33 PM »
My favorite modern day wedding antics are the people who have a big fancy expensive wedding but then expect everyone to pay for their honeymoon via honeyfund because they need to go on a honeymoon but can't possibly pay for one after spending so much on the wedding!!!

My BIL doesn't even have a wedding date yet, but will constantly remind everyone about how we need to chip into their international honeymoon fund because they plan on spending so much on the wedding. I told him you don't need to have a honeymoon, you could do a staycation for a honeymoon, or just do a cheaper/smaller wedding. He became very upset at all of these ideas. I also reminded him he gave me nothing, literally nothing, when I got married...he claims not to remember that....


Hargrove

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #58 on: May 18, 2017, 07:59:02 PM »
I'm pretty sure the graph for debt-to-marital stress is a 45 degree angle.

I don't tend to get angry about who spent something on a crazy party, but I sympathize with people hit by surprize with how ruthless a business a wedding is. Keeping Up with the Joneses might as well be the wedding planner's trade name. Where I am, once someone says "venue," your minimum is already 25k.

A girl I know is getting married, and actually managed to use caterers for an entirely different lavish party to save a tremendous amount of money. She bought her dress from a Quinceañera shop. The dress was all elaborate and frilly and dramatic, but cost under $200.

Tjat

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #59 on: May 18, 2017, 08:21:43 PM »
The wedding I always laugh about is one I went to on Long Island that ran into the six figures. It was at a popular wedding spot with three function halls, setting up the option for three simultaneous weddings. The bride didn't want to share her day, so they rented all 3. Room 1 was an "around theme" where chefs were preparing dishes from random countries. The chefs surrounded a gigantic swan ice sculpture fountain....of grey goose. Yes they continuously pimped vodka through the fountain...

Room 2 was then the main meal, which was pretty standard fare, though undoubtedly expensive

As we're we're all comatose, room 3 was unveiled to be a giant dessert room. As the walls retracted, we were treated to an 8 foot diameter creme brûlée, that was lit on fire and surrounded by shirtless men waving torches. Behind was a 2 foot diameter cannoli filled with little offspring cannolis and tables of assorted pastries.

It was an equal part hilarious but disgustingly wasteful experience.


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TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #60 on: May 18, 2017, 09:02:52 PM »
Hey Squeak,

This is an off-topic question, but what's your policy on cutting people off? I've got a few friend-type relationships in my life that are probably going to terminate fairly shortly, and I think it's probably for the best, but it's making me think about what circumstances are appropriate for letting a relationship go versus trying to confront & clear the air. What do you think?

What you propose could be a pretty high risk behavior. I'm glad you're thinking things through carefully.

To actually cut people off is to decide that there's no such thing as a safe and enjoyable distance: that person is a predator, you're a target of choice, and the predator has a history of using even the smallest social contact to not only engage in predatory behavior toward you but to manipulate others into setting you up for further abuse. I've done this myself only once in my life but it was a family member. On the whole I'm not a fan of the technique. It's very extreme and there are side effects in your community that cause people to line up in support of the predator while actively attacking you. I've got an e-book out on Smashwords and Amazon called "7 Servants of the Toxic Emperor" that explains why toxic communities behave the way they do. In a nutshell, the people around you won't necessarily see what provoked your reaction, but they will see your reaction. Cutting a person off completely is a very extreme behavior, so if they don't see any provocation they recognize as equally extreme or inappropriate for that person, there's a good chance you'll be the one tagged and punished as the aggressor.

My preferred technique, which I'm going to discuss in my next book on social warfare, is to find and maintain a mutually safe and enjoyable distance. Sometimes-- as in the case of the vinophile couple-- it involves occasional contact or conversation on social media, but no in-person meetings unless it's by accident. What they did was asshole-ish, but not actively predatory.

I'm more of a fan of letting relationships either die a natural death or gravitate toward the level of contact we both find mutually safe and satisfying. I increase the distance until I hit a point where the other person's actions no longer affect me one way or another. For an incurable gossip-- to use an example-- I dial the contact back to holiday cards, social media (where I never publish anything I wouldn't want to appear on the front page of the newspaper), and occasional public contact where we make small talk. This means that I can't use that person as a sounding board for ideas, I can't "vent" to them to release tension, and I can't interact with them in any situation where I might slip up and tell them what's really on my mind. Martini evenings, for example, are right out. But that doesn't mean I won't exchange hospitality with them or even give them a wedding gift if they commit matrimony.

This process involves some experimentation. Can we exchange hospitality, for example? Can we share transportation? Can we share a meal? Can I treat the person to coffee? Can we meet in passing at someone else's big social event? Some of the answers will be "yes" and others will be "no". Cherry-pick the kinds of interaction that leave you both feeling happy, and stick with that. If you find yourself feeling used or frustrated, it's a sign the interaction isn't working for you.

Generally I let friendships that aren't working die a natural death by turning my attention toward other people. I try forms of interaction that stand a chance of working, and back off until further notice if it doesn't work.

The only time "clearing the air" works is if there's an actual misunderstanding or a situation where an unintentional boundary violation has occurred due to lack of communication, but both people want to keep the relationship structure they've got (such as a marriage). In most cases there's a serious misalignment of interests or at least one person' needs have changed to the point where restructuring the relationship makes sense.

Did that make sense to you?


I don't go for a binary either/or solution to a relationship. Generally I consider the source of the problem, and whether it's an actual misunderstanding or isolated incident versus a larger pattern. If I see a larger pattern at work, I look for whether there's a salvageable relationship where the up-side for both of us more than compensates for any down-side.

I'm not a fan of cutting people off unless it's absolutely necessary. As to whether to confront and clear the air, you have to consider a few things.

1. Will the result of the conflict create the kind of improved closeness and understanding I want, or is it just something I want to do to s


 and they've demonstrated that even with minimal contact or an honest good faith attempt to

 they're still assholes. My philosophy is that unless you're dealing with an absolute sociopath, there's almost always a mutually safe and enjoyable distance. Your job is to find and maintain the safe and enjoyable distance with each individual in your life. They will be doing the same with you.

The person who makes a horrible roommate may be a good tenant or a great social media friend. The cousin who always hits you up for money in private might be perfectly worth socializing with at a family gathering.

firelight

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #61 on: May 18, 2017, 11:15:35 PM »
Hey Squeak,

This is an off-topic question, but what's your policy on cutting people off? I've got a few friend-type relationships in my life that are probably going to terminate fairly shortly, and I think it's probably for the best, but it's making me think about what circumstances are appropriate for letting a relationship go versus trying to confront & clear the air. What do you think?

What you propose could be a pretty high risk behavior. I'm glad you're thinking things through carefully.

To actually cut people off is to decide that there's no such thing as a safe and enjoyable distance: that person is a predator, you're a target of choice, and the predator has a history of using even the smallest social contact to not only engage in predatory behavior toward you but to manipulate others into setting you up for further abuse. I've done this myself only once in my life but it was a family member. On the whole I'm not a fan of the technique. It's very extreme and there are side effects in your community that cause people to line up in support of the predator while actively attacking you. I've got an e-book out on Smashwords and Amazon called "7 Servants of the Toxic Emperor" that explains why toxic communities behave the way they do. In a nutshell, the people around you won't necessarily see what provoked your reaction, but they will see your reaction. Cutting a person off completely is a very extreme behavior, so if they don't see any provocation they recognize as equally extreme or inappropriate for that person, there's a good chance you'll be the one tagged and punished as the aggressor.

My preferred technique, which I'm going to discuss in my next book on social warfare, is to find and maintain a mutually safe and enjoyable distance. Sometimes-- as in the case of the vinophile couple-- it involves occasional contact or conversation on social media, but no in-person meetings unless it's by accident. What they did was asshole-ish, but not actively predatory.

I'm more of a fan of letting relationships either die a natural death or gravitate toward the level of contact we both find mutually safe and satisfying. I increase the distance until I hit a point where the other person's actions no longer affect me one way or another. For an incurable gossip-- to use an example-- I dial the contact back to holiday cards, social media (where I never publish anything I wouldn't want to appear on the front page of the newspaper), and occasional public contact where we make small talk. This means that I can't use that person as a sounding board for ideas, I can't "vent" to them to release tension, and I can't interact with them in any situation where I might slip up and tell them what's really on my mind. Martini evenings, for example, are right out. But that doesn't mean I won't exchange hospitality with them or even give them a wedding gift if they commit matrimony.

This process involves some experimentation. Can we exchange hospitality, for example? Can we share transportation? Can we share a meal? Can I treat the person to coffee? Can we meet in passing at someone else's big social event? Some of the answers will be "yes" and others will be "no". Cherry-pick the kinds of interaction that leave you both feeling happy, and stick with that. If you find yourself feeling used or frustrated, it's a sign the interaction isn't working for you.

Generally I let friendships that aren't working die a natural death by turning my attention toward other people. I try forms of interaction that stand a chance of working, and back off until further notice if it doesn't work.

The only time "clearing the air" works is if there's an actual misunderstanding or a situation where an unintentional boundary violation has occurred due to lack of communication, but both people want to keep the relationship structure they've got (such as a marriage). In most cases there's a serious misalignment of interests or at least one person' needs have changed to the point where restructuring the relationship makes sense.

Did that make sense to you?


I don't go for a binary either/or solution to a relationship. Generally I consider the source of the problem, and whether it's an actual misunderstanding or isolated incident versus a larger pattern. If I see a larger pattern at work, I look for whether there's a salvageable relationship where the up-side for both of us more than compensates for any down-side.

I'm not a fan of cutting people off unless it's absolutely necessary. As to whether to confront and clear the air, you have to consider a few things.

1. Will the result of the conflict create the kind of improved closeness and understanding I want, or is it just something I want to do to s


 and they've demonstrated that even with minimal contact or an honest good faith attempt to

 they're still assholes. My philosophy is that unless you're dealing with an absolute sociopath, there's almost always a mutually safe and enjoyable distance. Your job is to find and maintain the safe and enjoyable distance with each individual in your life. They will be doing the same with you.

The person who makes a horrible roommate may be a good tenant or a great social media friend. The cousin who always hits you up for money in private might be perfectly worth socializing with at a family gathering.
This is awesome. Thanks for the insights. To derail it further, what if the predator is a sibling who you want nothing to do with and parents and family insists you be close/really friendly to the sibling because they are family and it is the noble thing to do? I have such a situation brewing and I'm not sure how to handle it without hurting my parents (who are otherwise wonderful people but have a misplaced idea of what is noble).

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #62 on: May 18, 2017, 11:30:09 PM »
This is awesome. Thanks for the insights. To derail it further, what if the predator is a sibling who you want nothing to do with and parents and family insists you be close/really friendly to the sibling because they are family and it is the noble thing to do? I have such a situation brewing and I'm not sure how to handle it without hurting my parents (who are otherwise wonderful people but have a misplaced idea of what is noble).

You're describing a situation in which your family is acting like a bunch of flying monkeys out of "The Wizard of Oz", putting their agenda of family unity (and your sibling's desire to do the sort of things that make you want nothing to do with her/him) ahead of your well-being.

The only way out is to sit down privately with each family member and explain why you're not willing to be close and friendly. Explain that it's not negotiable, but that you're tired of being a punching bag for Sibling. Their opinion of Sibling might be different (because they aren't the targets of choice), but since you've been on the end of some pretty egregious behavior you're going to do the minimum necessary to ensure it doesn't happen again. In other words, in order to keep yourself safe you've got to maintain a reasonable distance and respond to inappropriate behavior and boundary violations with the minimum effective force. But that's where it stops.

You don't try to control who your family members spend time with when you're not around. You don't try to dictate their guest lists, and you don't pitch the "either them or me" fit when it comes to large gatherings like weddings where you and your sibling can avoid one another. This means you will attend large gatherings (think 20+ people) but not intimate gatherings where you have to share a table or vehicle, spend time alone together, or fake any kind of friendly activity. You will include the sibling in all general family entertainments such as your own wedding. But you do not spend time alone with this person, you do not reveal sensitive information to that person, and you do not share information with anyone who's close to that person. Lending money, for example, is out of the question.

When you explain the new world order according to Spiffsome, make sure to explain that you fully expect to be depicted as the "bad" or "evil" person because of your "unforgiving" and "immature" nature, and you fully expect to not be believed or to be told that your concerns aren't important, because other family members have covered up for Sibling in the past. But you're also not willing to set yourself up for more abuse.

You'll have to do your part by not asking after the sibling or requesting information about Sibling.

If the entire family thinks that Sibling hung the moon, or has adopted the notion that Sibling is somehow entitled to be a jerk at other people's expense, you may have to resort to a "cherry picking" strategy in which you spend time with individual family members one-on-one but don't engage in public or large group activities with them anymore. People fleeing addictive families often need to do that.

Before drawing the line in the sand (which may temporarily cost you family support) it helps to build up a social and financial power base outside the family.

SEAKSR

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #63 on: May 19, 2017, 12:07:56 AM »
Thank You Squeaker! I am going to keep this one for fu tire refrence, as there have been many folks who have asked me such questions and I'm always at a loss.

Torran

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #64 on: May 19, 2017, 03:02:53 AM »
The wedding I always laugh about is one I went to on Long Island that ran into the six figures. It was at a popular wedding spot with three function halls, setting up the option for three simultaneous weddings. The bride didn't want to share her day, so they rented all 3. Room 1 was an "around theme" where chefs were preparing dishes from random countries. The chefs surrounded a gigantic swan ice sculpture fountain....of grey goose. Yes they continuously pimped vodka through the fountain...

Room 2 was then the main meal, which was pretty standard fare, though undoubtedly expensive

As we're we're all comatose, room 3 was unveiled to be a giant dessert room. As the walls retracted, we were treated to an 8 foot diameter creme brûlée, that was lit on fire and surrounded by shirtless men waving torches. Behind was a 2 foot diameter cannoli filled with little offspring cannolis and tables of assorted pastries.

It was an equal part hilarious but disgustingly wasteful experience.


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THIS WINS! Hahahahaha. The shirtless men waving torches and the 'offspring cannolis' was the absolute best bit.

I wish to include shirtless men waving torches in all/any future celebrations that occur in my life.

KodeBlue

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #65 on: May 19, 2017, 07:01:00 AM »
My favorite modern day wedding antics are the people who have a big fancy expensive wedding but then expect everyone to pay for their honeymoon via honeyfund because they need to go on a honeymoon but can't possibly pay for one after spending so much on the wedding!!!

My BIL doesn't even have a wedding date yet, but will constantly remind everyone about how we need to chip into their international honeymoon fund because they plan on spending so much on the wedding. I told him you don't need to have a honeymoon, you could do a staycation for a honeymoon, or just do a cheaper/smaller wedding. He became very upset at all of these ideas. I also reminded him he gave me nothing, literally nothing, when I got married...he claims not to remember that....
I'm old enough to remember when most honeymoons were fairly short, maybe a week and not to far from home.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #66 on: May 19, 2017, 08:19:43 AM »
My favorite modern day wedding antics are the people who have a big fancy expensive wedding but then expect everyone to pay for their honeymoon via honeyfund because they need to go on a honeymoon but can't possibly pay for one after spending so much on the wedding!!!

My BIL doesn't even have a wedding date yet, but will constantly remind everyone about how we need to chip into their international honeymoon fund because they plan on spending so much on the wedding. I told him you don't need to have a honeymoon, you could do a staycation for a honeymoon, or just do a cheaper/smaller wedding. He became very upset at all of these ideas. I also reminded him he gave me nothing, literally nothing, when I got married...he claims not to remember that....
I'm old enough to remember when most honeymoons were fairly short, maybe a week and not to far from home.

There used to be a joke to that effect:

"Mom, where did you and Dad go on your honeymoon?"

"Upstairs."

mm1970

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #67 on: May 19, 2017, 10:42:39 AM »
Quote
I saw reception photos on social media including a shout-out to me thanking me for the wine. I was never invited to the reception, but those fuckers used the wine.

I probably would not have been able to keep myself from making a snarky comment.  "Wow, my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail?  Or are you just assholes?"

Maenad

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #68 on: May 19, 2017, 12:40:41 PM »
I wish to include shirtless men waving torches in all/any future celebrations that occur in my life.

Be careful what you wish for. In my social circle, this would result in all of my male friends stripping half-naked at every party. Not sure if that would be more hilarious, or horrifying.

I'm going with hilarious.

MgoSam

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #69 on: May 19, 2017, 01:06:57 PM »
Thanks Grim, last week I cut off a friend after finally being unable to handle dealing with her. I don't know that she is necessarily a toxic person, but in her eyes everyone she knows is a jerk to her and I finally wised up to the fact that she likely thinks of me as a jerk when she's talking to other friends. The only person I can think of that she hasn't badmouthed to me is one of my best friends, and that likely is why she hasn't said anything about her.

The only thing I feel bad about is how great this feels (it shouldn't feel this good to no longer be friends with someone that you used to be good friends with).

jeromedawg

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #70 on: May 19, 2017, 01:29:54 PM »
I've gone to a bunch of weddings where the cost is reasonable (15k-20k) but most of them were paid by the parents and the bride and groom were pretty decent and didn't have any weird rules.


This was our wedding more or less. The biggest cost was the reception per food and headcount... if I had to do it again (after discovering MMM), we probably would have just done catering trays and definitely not have invited the number of people we did (most were either relatives or from our church, but we've changed churches since then and don't keep in touch with *most* of the people that were at our wedding). Otherwise, it was a pretty 'normal' wedding without strange rules. The craziest part was the Chinese banquet we had to go to for my in-laws later that same night. We were exhausted already and had to drive about an hour to go to this banquet, which consisted of *all* the members of the Chinese-Korean association my father-in-law was president of at the time. They mostly made us do ridiculous things but it wasn't fun because we were both super tired. Definitely not a good idea to opt for doing that all in a day but we just wanted to get it all over with. As far as who paid for what, I think my parents and my in-laws covered *alot* of the reception... at least those who *they* wanted to invite.

As far as ridiculous over-the-top weddings or wedding events, the most recent one was my cousin's in Hawaii - it was super-exquisite with multiple pre-wedding events (luau @ Turtle Bay and rehearsal dinner at Waimea Valley), local singers/instrumentalists (including Jake Shimabukuro at the reception dinner) and all sorts of really good food. My cousin's father-in-law is a SUPER wealthy investor/partner at an investment management company and my cousin is an anesthesiologist, so they could definitely afford to put it on. The father-in-law also happens to be invested in Turtle Bay, so they subsequently held the wedding there (I'm sure he got a "deal" on that). It was really nice and very memorable, but I'm scared to know how much they spent for all of it. My cousin married the eldest daughter so it was a complete blow-out event. Because not all their hundreds of friends could make it back in TX though, they ended up holding a second post-reception in Dallas at the Perot Museum. My parents and other brother went to that and said it was another blow-out event. I guess when you're in that income bracket you can do whatever you want
« Last Edit: May 19, 2017, 01:32:26 PM by jeromedawg »

o2bfree

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #71 on: May 19, 2017, 01:36:01 PM »
My guy and I finally got hitched after being together for 21 years. He retired, so we did it to get him on my health insurance. We just did a quick ceremony in our living room. Our neighbor, an ordained (via the internet) minister presided, and his wife and my mom were our witnesses. Paid our neighbor with a half-rack of beer, they brought a bottle of wine to share, bing-bang-boom, done.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #72 on: May 19, 2017, 01:43:40 PM »
Thanks Grim, last week I cut off a friend after finally being unable to handle dealing with her. I don't know that she is necessarily a toxic person, but in her eyes everyone she knows is a jerk to her and I finally wised up to the fact that she likely thinks of me as a jerk when she's talking to other friends. The only person I can think of that she hasn't badmouthed to me is one of my best friends, and that likely is why she hasn't said anything about her.

The only thing I feel bad about is how great this feels (it shouldn't feel this good to no longer be friends with someone that you used to be good friends with).

That's a sign that the person you were dealing with is toxic. It's not normal to feel relief when a close friend is no longer part of your life.

If "everyone" is a jerk to this woman, she's the common denominator. Also, it's very wise of you to notice that people eventually treat you the same way you see them treat other people, as soon as they give themselves permission.

MgoSam

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #73 on: May 22, 2017, 09:03:43 AM »
Thanks Grim, last week I cut off a friend after finally being unable to handle dealing with her. I don't know that she is necessarily a toxic person, but in her eyes everyone she knows is a jerk to her and I finally wised up to the fact that she likely thinks of me as a jerk when she's talking to other friends. The only person I can think of that she hasn't badmouthed to me is one of my best friends, and that likely is why she hasn't said anything about her.

The only thing I feel bad about is how great this feels (it shouldn't feel this good to no longer be friends with someone that you used to be good friends with).

That's a sign that the person you were dealing with is toxic. It's not normal to feel relief when a close friend is no longer part of your life.

If "everyone" is a jerk to this woman, she's the common denominator. Also, it's very wise of you to notice that people eventually treat you the same way you see them treat other people, as soon as they give themselves permission.

Thanks, I agree. It's been about 10 days since we last spoke and I still feel more relieved than anything and I'm someone that normally goes over past conversations in my head endlessly trying to find ways I messed up or could have handled things differently. I haven't heard from her other than a manipulative email from her the next day and when I was hanging out with our mutual friend that weekend she mentioned hearing that "we had a falling out," and made it clear that she would be staying firmly out of it as she's friends with both of us (which I agree with).

My biggest concern is if she starts bad-mouthing me to her other friends, but I'll cross that bridge when I reach it.

Chesleygirl

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Re: Weddings.
« Reply #74 on: November 04, 2017, 02:18:42 PM »
I had a small wedding. But I feel what others choose to spend on their big day, is their own personal business. If they go into debt for it, it's their problem, sure.

I didn't marry until my late 30s and most of my friends got married at age 22-24. They had kids in middle school while I was still out dating. So naturally, we drifted apart over the years. I got new friends and so did they.