Relatives who just don't get it

[SwordGuy]

Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

"You've brought this up at least seven times!   WHY is my buying a Peloton so VERY IMPORTANT to you?  Please explain."

Or, alternatively, if you really don't give a rat's ass why it's important to them and have absolutely no interest in hearing their explanation and don't mind pissing them off to get them to STFU about it,

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Clarity in communication is important. :)

I have made myself clear. My wife is already upset that I'm as blunt as I am, so having more clarity isn't an option. And SIL would happily share why she thinks we need to get one.

Bummerific on your wife not wanting you to be more blunt.  :(

You may have been grammatically clear, but you apparently haven't been emotionally clear, in that your SIL has failed to internalize the concept of "Don't ask him about that anymore."   Is there something that you can ask her about that she won't want to talk about?   If so, instead of answering her question, ask your own.    Then you can be very solicitous in your concern for her and her embarrassing problem.  VERY.

If nothing else, just change the subject to something else every single time.  Don't respond to the question directly at all.

Oh, by the way, a time-honored way of messing with someone explaining something you don't really want to hear is to be REALLY ATTENTIVE and REALLY INTERESTED in what they are telling you.   So VERY INTERESTED in fact that you just can't help yourself and constantly interrupt them with clarifying questions for more detail.   Absurd, pointless detail.   Ask what color the trim was on the car that hit them?   Or if the other driver wore glasses?  What color frames?  Designer frames?    Sunglasses or prescription glasses.   Inane, pointless, but OH SO VERY INTERESTED AND EXCITED questions.   It will take all the joy out of telling you whatever they were going to tell you about.    Don't know if you can use it, but perhaps it might come in handy for someone.

If you can't set boundaries one way, let them set it for themselves.   Maybe you can get them to tell you all about the glories of whatever the heck a peloton is and pull this stunt on them. (And no one need explain what a peloton is to me, I don't care. :) )

[AMandM]

Maybe every time SIL tells you to buy a peloton you can tell her to make her own laundry detergent.
She: It's crazy that you still don't have one!
You: It's crazy that you still buy the commercial stuff!
She: Pelotons are so cool!
You: Homemade laundry detergent is so cheap!
etc.

[DadJokes]

Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

"You've brought this up at least seven times!   WHY is my buying a Peloton so VERY IMPORTANT to you?  Please explain."

Or, alternatively, if you really don't give a rat's ass why it's important to them and have absolutely no interest in hearing their explanation and don't mind pissing them off to get them to STFU about it,

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Clarity in communication is important. :)

I have made myself clear. My wife is already upset that I'm as blunt as I am, so having more clarity isn't an option. And SIL would happily share why she thinks we need to get one.

Bummerific on your wife not wanting you to be more blunt.  :(

You may have been grammatically clear, but you apparently haven't been emotionally clear, in that your SIL has failed to internalize the concept of "Don't ask him about that anymore."   Is there something that you can ask her about that she won't want to talk about?   If so, instead of answering her question, ask your own.    Then you can be very solicitous in your concern for her and her embarrassing problem.  VERY.

If nothing else, just change the subject to something else every single time.  Don't respond to the question directly at all.

Oh, by the way, a time-honored way of messing with someone explaining something you don't really want to hear is to be REALLY ATTENTIVE and REALLY INTERESTED in what they are telling you.   So VERY INTERESTED in fact that you just can't help yourself and constantly interrupt them with clarifying questions for more detail.   Absurd, pointless detail.   Ask what color the trim was on the car that hit them?   Or if the other driver wore glasses?  What color frames?  Designer frames?    Sunglasses or prescription glasses.   Inane, pointless, but OH SO VERY INTERESTED AND EXCITED questions.   It will take all the joy out of telling you whatever they were going to tell you about.    Don't know if you can use it, but perhaps it might come in handy for someone.

If you can't set boundaries one way, let them set it for themselves.   Maybe you can get them to tell you all about the glories of whatever the heck a peloton is and pull this stunt on them. (And no one need explain what a peloton is to me, I don't care. :) )

Look, I didn't post that looking for advice. I posted it to rant anonymously on the internet. This thread isn't really intended for seeking advice.

I know this individual well enough to know that the only thing that gets her to stop going on about whatever new fad she's into is to wait until she's on to a new fad or burn the bridge. I'm not burning a bridge over something that dumb. If I had a choice in the matter, I'd stop going to family functions for a host of other reasons, but I value my marriage more than that.

[jinga nation]

Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

"You've brought this up at least seven times!   WHY is my buying a Peloton so VERY IMPORTANT to you?  Please explain."

Or, alternatively, if you really don't give a rat's ass why it's important to them and have absolutely no interest in hearing their explanation and don't mind pissing them off to get them to STFU about it,

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Clarity in communication is important. :)

I have made myself clear. My wife is already upset that I'm as blunt as I am, so having more clarity isn't an option. And SIL would happily share why she thinks we need to get one.

Bummerific on your wife not wanting you to be more blunt.  :(

You may have been grammatically clear, but you apparently haven't been emotionally clear, in that your SIL has failed to internalize the concept of "Don't ask him about that anymore."   Is there something that you can ask her about that she won't want to talk about?   If so, instead of answering her question, ask your own.    Then you can be very solicitous in your concern for her and her embarrassing problem.  VERY.

If nothing else, just change the subject to something else every single time.  Don't respond to the question directly at all.

Oh, by the way, a time-honored way of messing with someone explaining something you don't really want to hear is to be REALLY ATTENTIVE and REALLY INTERESTED in what they are telling you.   So VERY INTERESTED in fact that you just can't help yourself and constantly interrupt them with clarifying questions for more detail.   Absurd, pointless detail.   Ask what color the trim was on the car that hit them?   Or if the other driver wore glasses?  What color frames?  Designer frames?    Sunglasses or prescription glasses.   Inane, pointless, but OH SO VERY INTERESTED AND EXCITED questions.   It will take all the joy out of telling you whatever they were going to tell you about.    Don't know if you can use it, but perhaps it might come in handy for someone.

If you can't set boundaries one way, let them set it for themselves.   Maybe you can get them to tell you all about the glories of whatever the heck a peloton is and pull this stunt on them. (And no one need explain what a peloton is to me, I don't care. :) )

Look, I didn't post that looking for advice. I posted it to rant anonymously on the internet. This thread isn't really intended for seeking advice.

I know this individual well enough to know that the only thing that gets her to stop going on about whatever new fad she's into is to wait until she's on to a new fad or burn the bridge. I'm not burning a bridge over something that dumb. If I had a choice in the matter, I'd stop going to family functions for a host of other reasons, but I value my marriage more than that.

I've been on the receiving end of the "you need <product> as it will <provide intended effect>". This is about vehicles, house, expensive clothing, foods, etc.
First time, I reply "No. Nope. Never. Nada."
Second time: "If you really want to help, you should buy it for me, if you truly deeply madly care about me."
Shuts them up right there. Doesn't burn bridges. It is the same person every time, who's otherwise a fantastic relative with a big heart.

[zolotiyeruki]

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Does anyone else experience something similar to the bolded part when dealing with children?

Kid: "Dad, you don't have to get mad at me about it!"
Me:  "Well, apparently I do, because when I asked you six times nicely to do your chores, you ignored me."

[merula]

Does anyone else experience something similar to the bolded part when dealing with children?

Kid: "Dad, you don't have to get mad at me about it!"
Me:  "Well, apparently I do, because when I asked you six times nicely to do your chores, you ignored me."

Oooooooh yes! "You don't have to yell." "Did you listen when I asked you the first three times? Did you even respond?"

[Jouer]

Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

Another reason to avoid Peloton:
https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/05/business/peloton-treadmill-recall/index.html

Apparently you can do Peloton activities with much cheaper stationary bikes? I have a pretty sensible Facebook friend (I mean, not a Mustachian or anything, but appears to live within her means and doesn't do fancy shit just to do fancy shit) who has gone this route. I don't quite understand how it works but I think she pays for a subscription of some kind and she seems really happy with the arrangement, especially in the quarantimes.

But pressuring someone else is just weird. Who cares?

That's right. You can download the app with a subscription. I did it last month as a free trial - regular price is $17/month. I use it on my $250 foldable bike...but it's more than just spin classes, there's barre, HITT, strength, etc. classes.

[JoJo]

Sister and her family just made a $1000+ mistake.  They decided they wanted a dog, especially their teenage daughter wanted one.  BIL had a dog 20 years ago that they loved decided they want to get the same breed.  They bought a bunch of stuff, for example a great big kennel because you know they're going to need it once it grows up and the transfer the puppy home.  Paid $1500 for the puppy from a breeder several hours away.  Puppy proceeds to yelp all night long, chew up a bunch of stuff in the house and outdoors, bite everyone, including drawing blood on BIL, poop and pee multiple times in the house.  Three days later, even though they admit the dog is making progress and better behaved, the whole family is so traumatized, daughter is crying all the time, BIL is having heart palipatataions, that they do not want to keep this dog and they never want to have a dog again.    So they are returning the puppy.  Supposedly they are getting a partial refund but I think the breeder is keeping at least $500 for his trouble.

This same family regularly decides if there is something wrong with something, the best thing to do is get a new one or just not use... for example, they went thru a couple barely used RVs, bought a tent, wasn't big enough, bought another bigger tent, that was so big it was too big for most campgrounds, so now they don't camp at all.  They were complaining that they didn't have enough money to go on any summer trip this summer but then this dog thing.

On top of this, my parents want to throw an open house anniversary party.  Sister already decided she doesn't want to pitch in for various reasons (lots of people coming we don't know... parents friends, party is mid afternoon but parents wanted to serve a full meal rather than just cake and snacks so now 2 of us get to foot the full bill rather than 3...  Meanwhile, they are happy to take nearly annual gifts from parents that is many times the $100 or so they should pitch in for the party.  I am not looking forward to the day we need to settle the parents estate if they are having qualms over $100.

[Metalcat]

So they got a new puppy, and it acted like a puppy? And they freaked out because puppies act like puppies???

Well that's champion level fucking dumb.

Note: my family bred dogs for years, I've seen EVERY type of dumb fuck, fucking moron puppy buyer you could imagine.

[Taran Wanderer]

Malcat, always calling like it is…

;-)

[Metalcat]

Malcat, always calling like it is…

;-)

It's my demure subtlety that makes me ever so popular.

[pasadenafr]

So they got a new puppy, and it acted like a puppy? And they freaked out because puppies act like puppies???

Well that's champion level fucking dumb.

Note: my family bred dogs for years, I've seen EVERY type of dumb fuck, fucking moron puppy buyer you could imagine.

A puppy who was probably traumatized and scared, at that. Puppies should be adopted by people who have experience with raising baby dogs...

[Nick_Miller]

Malcat, always calling like it is…

;-)

It's my demure subtlety that makes me ever so popular.

Wait, that can't possibly be right.

[Nick_Miller]

Sister and her family just made a $1000+ mistake.  They decided they wanted a dog, especially their teenage daughter wanted one.  BIL had a dog 20 years ago that they loved decided they want to get the same breed.  They bought a bunch of stuff, for example a great big kennel because you know they're going to need it once it grows up and the transfer the puppy home.  Paid $1500 for the puppy from a breeder several hours away.  Puppy proceeds to yelp all night long, chew up a bunch of stuff in the house and outdoors, bite everyone, including drawing blood on BIL, poop and pee multiple times in the house.  Three days later, even though they admit the dog is making progress and better behaved, the whole family is so traumatized, daughter is crying all the time, BIL is having heart palipatataions, that they do not want to keep this dog and they never want to have a dog again.    So they are returning the puppy.  Supposedly they are getting a partial refund but I think the breeder is keeping at least $500 for his trouble.

This same family regularly decides if there is something wrong with something, the best thing to do is get a new one or just not use... for example, they went thru a couple barely used RVs, bought a tent, wasn't big enough, bought another bigger tent, that was so big it was too big for most campgrounds, so now they don't camp at all.  They were complaining that they didn't have enough money to go on any summer trip this summer but then this dog thing.

On top of this, my parents want to throw an open house anniversary party.  Sister already decided she doesn't want to pitch in for various reasons (lots of people coming we don't know... parents friends, party is mid afternoon but parents wanted to serve a full meal rather than just cake and snacks so now 2 of us get to foot the full bill rather than 3...  Meanwhile, they are happy to take nearly annual gifts from parents that is many times the $100 or so they should pitch in for the party.  I am not looking forward to the day we need to settle the parents estate if they are having qualms over $100.

I really think that folks considering getting a new pup should HAVE to "rent/borrow" a puppy from someone else for like 48 hours. It can be quite shocking when it's been a few years since your last one. Our pup is better now, but those first few days I'll admit that I kept wondering, "Geez did we make a huge mistake?"

[ysette9]

Kind of like what I’ve been wondering ever since I brought my last baby home from the hospital

[RetiredAt63]

There is a reason all my cats have been adult adoptees.  Kittens are so cute, with their needle-sharp teeth and their needle-sharp claws, and their nocturnal play time.

It's too bad we don't actually find babies under cabbages.  Then we could just return them there.  ;-)  Yes, when she was a baby DD could cry for 3 hours straight. She lived.

[zolotiyeruki]

*sigh* I know a LOT of friends and family who have gotten puppies, only to regret them for a very, very long time.  One got a pair of huskies.  After several fines from the city when his puppies inevitably escaped from his yard, he gave them away.

[Taran Wanderer]

I really think that folks considering getting a new pup should HAVE to "rent/borrow" a puppy from someone else for like 48 hours. It can be quite shocking when it's been a few years since your last one. Our pup is better now, but those first few days I'll admit that I kept wondering, "Geez did we make a huge mistake?"

We had the world’s best dog. She died a couple years ago at age 13-1/2. With COVID, we naturally got a dog - our first puppy - and we were shocked. This was after getting two kittens in COVID, so we were already at least partially primed. We definitely went through the “Geez did we make a huge mistake?” conversation multiple times, and we still do even though she’s 6+ months old and really a pretty great little dog. Puppydom is shocking with a good puppy. I’d hate to go through it with a difficult one.

[OtherJen]

There is a reason all my cats have been adult adoptees.  Kittens are so cute, with their needle-sharp teeth and their needle-sharp claws, and their nocturnal play time.

It's too bad we don't actually find babies under cabbages.  Then we could just return them there.  ;-)  Yes, when she was a baby DD could cry for 3 hours straight. She lived.

We've been really lucky with kittens (I've raised 4 at this point). They all were happy to sleep on the bed with us or play quietly in a different part of the house at night. However, once the alarm went off in the morning, they were all over us to get up and feed/play with them. Hitting snooze was not an option. God help us if we wanted to sleep in past 6 am on a Saturday.

[DadJokes]

We got pretty lucky with our current dog. She's so well-behaved (except when company comes over).

We were at a friend's house for July 4, and their dog pooped and peed all over the house due to the fireworks, and it is a big dog. Our dog was not phased at all by fireworks in our neighborhood.

That said, we probably won't get another dog. They're so restricting. I can't stay out too long on a particular day, because we have to get home to let the dog out. It's actually more hassle to find care for the dog when we want to take a vacation than it is to get the in-laws to watch our toddler.

[former player]

That said, we probably won't get another dog. They're so restricting. I can't stay out too long on a particular day, because we have to get home to let the dog out. It's actually more hassle to find care for the dog when we want to take a vacation than it is to get the in-laws to watch our toddler.

Dog owning friends are the answer.  My dog does very badly in kennels (it's how I got him: I happened to be in contact with the RSPCA the week he came in to their kennels and he was so upset they wanted him out as soon as possible) so I've made sure to build up a network of dog-owning people I meet out walking so that we can swop dog-sitting favours.  It's important the dog is sociable with people and other dogs and reasonably well trained, of course.

[PMG]

After having a couple adult cats I got my first kitten last year and I’ve decided that I always want to live in a house with a kitten! She has unending energy and love and it turns out I do too!  Amazing.  In truth we don’t plan on another kitten any time soon, but this experience has been amazing. Our adult cat has definitely helped with the kitten raising and I’m guessing it’s the same with dogs. Two are a lot of work, but they are not two times the work.  I really have nothing of value to add… just… kittens. Gosh. I’m smitten.

[Sibley]

I'm trying to decide if I should get a kitten, try with an adult, or just stick to just having Arwen. The issue is that Arwen doesn't like being the only cat, but she doesn't want to actually interact with the other cat. I have time for now because I still have parent's cats in the house, and once they move it will be a while before Arwen gets unhappy. I'm not really home enough for a kitten though.

[Evildunk99]

My wife's family has a long history of pace punching financial moves.  She is actually an outlier now as the only one who is making sound decisions and financial progress.  I won't go into all of the stories (way too many examples), but I'll share some of the highlights below:

- MIL:  "we can't do auto-bill pay because FIL is a realtor, and we don't know when his commissions will come (every bill is practically always past due with added penalty fees)"

- MIL:  FIL sadly passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, and she received about $200k in insurance payouts.  There is $23k left in the account today.  Nothing to show for it.  No idea where it all went, but she doesn't work, so every day has to be a net outflow to fill the loss of FIL.

- BIL #1:  "Real estate here (mid-atlantic metro ex-burbs) is too expensive, I think we might move to FL in the next couple years because it's warmer and cheaper.  If I ever do buy a place here, it will be a rental property... my landlord makes a killing off of the triplex that we rent."  ($0 saved living paycheck to paycheck)

- Uncle #1 (approx 52 y/o) who thinks he's rich:  "Love del friscos, they treat me like a king there, I do like $50k / yr with them in business deals and family meals (fancy executive you ask? nope - mortgage broker / snake oil salesman)."

- Uncle #1:  "Yeah we're killing it this year, going to open up a couple new offices in FL, I go to the Ritz all the time in Orlando and they always hook me up, love it there!  - Shows pic of fancy rental car, disney, the whole vacation works -

- Uncle #1:  "Just got [his daughter] new wheels, wife got the new Lincoln Aviator, and I just traded in my 1 y/o BMW for the new fancy BMW... tight!"  - proceeds to show me how he can steer it out of the garage with a fob key - ... Uncle #1 foreclosed on his beach house, and had to downsize his primary in 2008... now has $200k in car loans, and talking about a vacation house in FL! lovely!

- Uncle #2:  Restaurant owner banking on his restaurant profits to retire off of.  He did nothing to change his business during 2020, instead he just dug into his savings to pay the lease each month, and closed.  During the holidays he was so stressed out that he pulled a gun on a guy who cut him off at a stop light.  Proceeds to blame everything on politics for why he's close to broke.  Fast forward to this spring after he re-opened... rolls up to the house in his brand new $90k truck, with his son right behind him in brand new muscle car that he bought for him.  Classic.

- Aunt #1:  You should really look into this boxing subscription, it's like peloton for boxing!  The bag is $1,500 and the classes are like $40/month.

- Uncle #3 - has a very profitable business, and can afford all of his fancy spending... but the waste is cringe worthy.  Has about 10 vehicles parked in his driveway, and is currently building a new house that is about 8,000 square feet (mansion). 

- Cousin #1:  We need a new car, I hate my Honda Pilot (huge pricey SUV).  Her husband was about to buy a brand new Yukon, but the wife nixed it because it's not big enough.  Fast forward a few weeks... "I love my new Yukon XL (or something like that that's even bigger), the kids love the TVs in the back.  She has 2 kids. 

- BIL #2:  25 y/o, asking me for advice on investing, personal finance, etc... wow good for him heading down the right path and seeking advice at such a young age!  I got him set up with a retirement account and contributions, and then a brokerage account for money he makes on his side hustles.  After a few months, he makes a couple thousand dollars in appreciation (the post-covid boom).  I ask him how it's going, and he said he emptied out his accounts to take profits, so he could add tinted windows, chrome wheels, and a new spoiler to the new Jeep that he just bought.  FACE PUNCH

I honestly don't know how my wife escaped this toxic family spending dynamic.

Cheers to you all for keeping me sane through the years!

[dandarc]

Did you actually punch BIL #2 in the face? Seems possible that one could potentially be convinced of a better way, and maybe a punch in the face is just the right amount of force needed . . .

[Evildunk99]

Did you actually punch BIL #2 in the face? Seems possible that one could potentially be convinced of a better way, and maybe a punch in the face is just the right amount of force needed . . .

Hahaha I would if he lived closer!

[Sugaree]

I've probably mentioned that I've got an uncle who has a long history of making bad decisions, most of which involve money and/or women.  It's official.  He's bringing his fiancée over from Central America at the end of the month on a K1 visa.  So, I guess within the next 3 months or so I'll have a new aunt who's younger than me.  This will be wife #4.  And my uncle has had to go back to work at 67 in order to have the sufficient funds to sponsor her and her kids. 

[dignam]

So they got a new puppy, and it acted like a puppy? And they freaked out because puppies act like puppies???

Well that's champion level fucking dumb.

Note: my family bred dogs for years, I've seen EVERY type of dumb fuck, fucking moron puppy buyer you could imagine.

I wish there were some type of stat we could obtain to see the proportion of returned puppies during covid vs. non-covid times.  I've raised several puppies, and some of the people getting puppies during covid I knew right away would either be shitty owners, or return the puppy.

[PMG]

I'm trying to decide if I should get a kitten, try with an adult, or just stick to just having Arwen. The issue is that Arwen doesn't like being the only cat, but she doesn't want to actually interact with the other cat. I have time for now because I still have parent's cats in the house, and once they move it will be a while before Arwen gets unhappy. I'm not really home enough for a kitten though.

Could you go for a “teenager?”  Old enough to be a little calmer and independent but perhaps young enough for OG cat to maintain their role as ruler?

[Psychstache]

I really think that folks considering getting a new pup should HAVE to "rent/borrow" a puppy from someone else for like 48 hours. It can be quite shocking when it's been a few years since your last one. Our pup is better now, but those first few days I'll admit that I kept wondering, "Geez did we make a huge mistake?"

We had the world’s best dog. She died a couple years ago at age 13-1/2. With COVID, we naturally got a dog - our first puppy - and we were shocked. This was after getting two kittens in COVID, so we were already at least partially primed. We definitely went through the “Geez did we make a huge mistake?” conversation multiple times, and we still do even though she’s 6+ months old and really a pretty great little dog. Puppydom is shocking with a good puppy. I’d hate to go through it with a difficult one.

SO and I love dogs and will likely always have 1 in the house. I will NEVER adopt a puppy. Our current doggo was roughly 2ish when we got her and it has been perfect. Probably going to always stick to this age range in the future.

[Metalcat]

So they got a new puppy, and it acted like a puppy? And they freaked out because puppies act like puppies???

Well that's champion level fucking dumb.

Note: my family bred dogs for years, I've seen EVERY type of dumb fuck, fucking moron puppy buyer you could imagine.

I wish there were some type of stat we could obtain to see the proportion of returned puppies during covid vs. non-covid times.  I've raised several puppies, and some of the people getting puppies during covid I knew right away would either be shitty owners, or return the puppy.

Honestly, it's better that people return dogs than just keep them and be shitty owners.

[pasadenafr]

After having a couple adult cats I got my first kitten last year and I’ve decided that I always want to live in a house with a kitten! She has unending energy and love and it turns out I do too!  Amazing.  In truth we don’t plan on another kitten any time soon, but this experience has been amazing. Our adult cat has definitely helped with the kitten raising and I’m guessing it’s the same with dogs. Two are a lot of work, but they are not two times the work.  I really have nothing of value to add… just… kittens. Gosh. I’m smitten.

Foster! I love cats, always had at least one, but my current job makes it hard to commit, so I started fostering - KITTENS! EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME (I do need to take a break from time to time lol). Mama cats with their litter are the best. I also foster adult special needs cats (non-medical), and that's incredibly rewarding.

Rescues are always looking for new fosters, you should be able to find one close by.

[Metalcat]

I really think that folks considering getting a new pup should HAVE to "rent/borrow" a puppy from someone else for like 48 hours. It can be quite shocking when it's been a few years since your last one. Our pup is better now, but those first few days I'll admit that I kept wondering, "Geez did we make a huge mistake?"

We had the world’s best dog. She died a couple years ago at age 13-1/2. With COVID, we naturally got a dog - our first puppy - and we were shocked. This was after getting two kittens in COVID, so we were already at least partially primed. We definitely went through the “Geez did we make a huge mistake?” conversation multiple times, and we still do even though she’s 6+ months old and really a pretty great little dog. Puppydom is shocking with a good puppy. I’d hate to go through it with a difficult one.

SO and I love dogs and will likely always have 1 in the house. I will NEVER adopt a puppy. Our current doggo was roughly 2ish when we got her and it has been perfect. Probably going to always stick to this age range in the future.

Same. I LOVE dogs, and have been around so many puppies I lost count years ago. But even as someone whose family bred dogs, and I'm kind of an expert on managing puppies, I will never adopt a puppy. Ever.

I love puppies, but I love when *other people* adopt puppies. I'll stick with the old grumpy dogs that no one wants once they're not cute puppies anymore. I like the bitey guys who aren't safe with children, they're my favourite.

[Sibley]

I'm trying to decide if I should get a kitten, try with an adult, or just stick to just having Arwen. The issue is that Arwen doesn't like being the only cat, but she doesn't want to actually interact with the other cat. I have time for now because I still have parent's cats in the house, and once they move it will be a while before Arwen gets unhappy. I'm not really home enough for a kitten though.

Could you go for a “teenager?”  Old enough to be a little calmer and independent but perhaps young enough for OG cat to maintain their role as ruler?

It's something to consider. I just want cat peace in the house. Whatever is going to get me cat peace.

[PMG]

After having a couple adult cats I got my first kitten last year and I’ve decided that I always want to live in a house with a kitten! She has unending energy and love and it turns out I do too!  Amazing.  In truth we don’t plan on another kitten any time soon, but this experience has been amazing. Our adult cat has definitely helped with the kitten raising and I’m guessing it’s the same with dogs. Two are a lot of work, but they are not two times the work.  I really have nothing of value to add… just… kittens. Gosh. I’m smitten.

Foster! I love cats, always had at least one, but my current job makes it hard to commit, so I started fostering - KITTENS! EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME (I do need to take a break from time to time lol). Mama cats with their litter are the best. I also foster adult special needs cats (non-medical), and that's incredibly rewarding.

Rescues are always looking for new fosters, you should be able to find one close by.

I've thought about it in vague terms.  We have such good harmony between our two, I am hesitant to upset the fruit basket by bringing in fosters.  We're also in a very small house. Slow introductions are impossible, but maybe someday we'll be able to foster!

[dignam]

Our dog just turned 2, and is basically a perfect sweetheart.  I cannot remember the last time I had to scold or correct her for anything.

That said, she was a terrorist/demon/possessed creature as a puppy.  She had a particular fascination with my girlfriend and would target her specifically with her shark-like baby teeth...repeatedly.  Until my gf was in tears.  That evil puppy stage only lasted a couple months though.  We knew what we were getting in to luckily.

Still worth it for the lottery jackpot of a dog we have now.  Not for everyone though, I can see how people get in over their heads, especially if you can't be there 24/7 for the puppy.

[Plina]

There is a reason all my cats have been adult adoptees.  Kittens are so cute, with their needle-sharp teeth and their needle-sharp claws, and their nocturnal play time.

It's too bad we don't actually find babies under cabbages.  Then we could just return them there.  ;-)  Yes, when she was a baby DD could cry for 3 hours straight. She lived.

That is the good thing about nieces. You can return them when they start to smell or are getting noisy.

[Sugaree]

I'm another fan of adopting older dogs.  Our oldest dog was just shy of 3 when he came to us.  We were his third home in two years.  For the first six weeks he lived with us, he'd carry all of his toys from one room to the other like he was going to have to pack up and move again.  Someone had spent a lot of time working with him because he was housebroken and had basic manners training and given the fact that he's the stupidest golden retriever on the planet that's saying a lot.  He's older and slower now, but still the best boi ever.

The younger dog, however.  The vet estimates that she was closer to 8 months old.  She's about 2 now and is just now getting out of that hard-headed jerk phase that many labs seem to go through.  We had to do the housebreaking, and lost several rugs to it.  But luckily she was much smarter than the other dog and took to it quickly.

[RetiredAt63]

There is a reason all my cats have been adult adoptees.  Kittens are so cute, with their needle-sharp teeth and their needle-sharp claws, and their nocturnal play time.

It's too bad we don't actually find babies under cabbages.  Then we could just return them there.  ;-)  Yes, when she was a baby DD could cry for 3 hours straight. She lived.

That is the good thing about nieces. You can return them when they start to small or are getting noisy.

And grandchildren!

[RetiredAt63]

Our dog just turned 2, and is basically a perfect sweetheart.  I cannot remember the last time I had to scold or correct her for anything.

That said, she was a terrorist/demon/possessed creature as a puppy.  She had a particular fascination with my girlfriend and would target her specifically with her shark-like baby teeth...repeatedly.  Until my gf was in tears.  That evil puppy stage only lasted a couple months though.  We knew what we were getting in to luckily.

Still worth it for the lottery jackpot of a dog we have now.  Not for everyone though, I can see how people get in over their heads, especially if you can't be there 24/7 for the puppy.

My puppies (same breed, different breeders) all came home at about 8-9 weeks.  Yes they took a fair bit of attention but at that age you know it is coming.  I got to see a comet with #2 because it was only visible in the middle of the night.  And we were out at 3AM every night (in January, brr) doing our house-training.

My first cat came to us as a kitten.  What a demon, she was actually named after her behaviour.  Cats 2, 3, and 4 were all adults.

[better late]

My wife's family has a long history of pace punching financial moves.  She is actually an outlier now as the only one who is making sound decisions and financial progress.  I won't go into all of the stories (way too many examples), but I'll share some of the highlights below:

- MIL:  "we can't do auto-bill pay because FIL is a realtor, and we don't know when his commissions will come (every bill is practically always past due with added penalty fees)"

- MIL:  FIL sadly passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, and she received about $200k in insurance payouts.  There is $23k left in the account today.  Nothing to show for it.  No idea where it all went, but she doesn't work, so every day has to be a net outflow to fill the loss of FIL.

- BIL #1:  "Real estate here (mid-atlantic metro ex-burbs) is too expensive, I think we might move to FL in the next couple years because it's warmer and cheaper.  If I ever do buy a place here, it will be a rental property... my landlord makes a killing off of the triplex that we rent."  ($0 saved living paycheck to paycheck)

- Uncle #1 (approx 52 y/o) who thinks he's rich:  "Love del friscos, they treat me like a king there, I do like $50k / yr with them in business deals and family meals (fancy executive you ask? nope - mortgage broker / snake oil salesman)."

- Uncle #1:  "Yeah we're killing it this year, going to open up a couple new offices in FL, I go to the Ritz all the time in Orlando and they always hook me up, love it there!  - Shows pic of fancy rental car, disney, the whole vacation works -

- Uncle #1:  "Just got [his daughter] new wheels, wife got the new Lincoln Aviator, and I just traded in my 1 y/o BMW for the new fancy BMW... tight!"  - proceeds to show me how he can steer it out of the garage with a fob key - ... Uncle #1 foreclosed on his beach house, and had to downsize his primary in 2008... now has $200k in car loans, and talking about a vacation house in FL! lovely!

- Uncle #2:  Restaurant owner banking on his restaurant profits to retire off of.  He did nothing to change his business during 2020, instead he just dug into his savings to pay the lease each month, and closed.  During the holidays he was so stressed out that he pulled a gun on a guy who cut him off at a stop light.  Proceeds to blame everything on politics for why he's close to broke.  Fast forward to this spring after he re-opened... rolls up to the house in his brand new $90k truck, with his son right behind him in brand new muscle car that he bought for him.  Classic.

- Aunt #1:  You should really look into this boxing subscription, it's like peloton for boxing!  The bag is $1,500 and the classes are like $40/month.

- Uncle #3 - has a very profitable business, and can afford all of his fancy spending... but the waste is cringe worthy.  Has about 10 vehicles parked in his driveway, and is currently building a new house that is about 8,000 square feet (mansion). 

- Cousin #1:  We need a new car, I hate my Honda Pilot (huge pricey SUV).  Her husband was about to buy a brand new Yukon, but the wife nixed it because it's not big enough.  Fast forward a few weeks... "I love my new Yukon XL (or something like that that's even bigger), the kids love the TVs in the back.  She has 2 kids. 

- BIL #2:  25 y/o, asking me for advice on investing, personal finance, etc... wow good for him heading down the right path and seeking advice at such a young age!  I got him set up with a retirement account and contributions, and then a brokerage account for money he makes on his side hustles.  After a few months, he makes a couple thousand dollars in appreciation (the post-covid boom).  I ask him how it's going, and he said he emptied out his accounts to take profits, so he could add tinted windows, chrome wheels, and a new spoiler to the new Jeep that he just bought.  FACE PUNCH

I honestly don't know how my wife escaped this toxic family spending dynamic.

Cheers to you all for keeping me sane through the years!

Whoa. Just. Whoa.
How did your wife get smart about money? I’m curious

[pasadenafr]

My first cat came to us as a kitten.  What a demon, she was actually named after her behaviour.

What's her name?

[Adventine]

I've probably mentioned that I've got an uncle who has a long history of making bad decisions, most of which involve money and/or women.  It's official.  He's bringing his fiancée over from Central America at the end of the month on a K1 visa.  So, I guess within the next 3 months or so I'll have a new aunt who's younger than me.  This will be wife #4.  And my uncle has had to go back to work at 67 in order to have the sufficient funds to sponsor her and her kids.

As a former K1 visa applicant myself, and currently going through the labyrinth called US immigration, your uncle and his new wife and stepkids are most likely going to have problems.

On top of whatever travel, visa, relocation, and wedding expenses they've already incurred, they will also need to file for adjustment of status (AOS) shortly after the foreign citizens' arrival in the US. This will cost a minimum of USD 1,225 for the foreign citizen fiancee and USD 750 - 1225 per child, depending on their ages (source). If they don't file for AOS, the fiancee and her kids won't have any kind of legal status in the US.

Moreover, K1 visa holders aren't authorized to work in the US until they get either a work permit (EAD) or a green card. With COVID delays, EADs are taking 6-12 months to be issued. Green cards are taking up to two years.

I'm part of another immigration forum where I see sob stories every day about US spouses and foreign beneficiaries who didn't understand the implications of the K1 visa, couldn't afford to file for AOS and/or couldn't afford to have only one income earner. Sometimes the marriages break down because of the strain.

Adults are free to screw up their finances however they want, but it's heartbreaking when kids are involved. They're uprooted from their home countries, brought to a foreign country, and end up with no legal status because their parents weren't prepared.

If you have the chance to talk to your uncle about all this before his fiancee's arrival, I highly recommend that you do.

[RetiredAt63]

My first cat came to us as a kitten.  What a demon, she was actually named after her behaviour.

What's her name?

She is long gone. 

[Sugaree]

I've probably mentioned that I've got an uncle who has a long history of making bad decisions, most of which involve money and/or women.  It's official.  He's bringing his fiancée over from Central America at the end of the month on a K1 visa.  So, I guess within the next 3 months or so I'll have a new aunt who's younger than me.  This will be wife #4.  And my uncle has had to go back to work at 67 in order to have the sufficient funds to sponsor her and her kids.

As a former K1 visa applicant myself, and currently going through the labyrinth called US immigration, your uncle and his new wife and stepkids are most likely going to have problems.

On top of whatever travel, visa, relocation, and wedding expenses they've already incurred, they will also need to file for adjustment of status (AOS) shortly after the foreign citizens' arrival in the US. This will cost a minimum of USD 1,225 for the foreign citizen fiancee and USD 750 - 1225 per child, depending on their ages (source). If they don't file for AOS, the fiancee and her kids won't have any kind of legal status in the US.

Moreover, K1 visa holders aren't authorized to work in the US until they get either a work permit (EAD) or a green card. With COVID delays, EADs are taking 6-12 months to be issued. Green cards are taking up to two years.

I'm part of another immigration forum where I see sob stories every day about US spouses and foreign beneficiaries who didn't understand the implications of the K1 visa, couldn't afford to file for AOS and/or couldn't afford to have only one income earner. Sometimes the marriages break down because of the strain.

Adults are free to screw up their finances however they want, but it's heartbreaking when kids are involved. They're uprooted from their home countries, brought to a foreign country, and end up with no legal status because their parents weren't prepared.

If you have the chance to talk to your uncle about all this before his fiancee's arrival, I highly recommend that you do.

Unfortunately, he's never taken advice well, so I'm not sure how well this will go.  I'm actually a bit concerned about the kids.  They are like 8 and 2.  They swear that they aren't my uncle's kids, though I think the youngest looks a lot like my cousin did as a baby.  But the person listed on the birth certificate "isn't involved" so I dont know if he's even been told the kids are leaving.  I would assume he would have to be, but who knows.  Oh, and did I mention that my uncle owes the IRS a metric ton of money.

[Adventine]

I've probably mentioned that I've got an uncle who has a long history of making bad decisions, most of which involve money and/or women.  It's official.  He's bringing his fiancée over from Central America at the end of the month on a K1 visa.  So, I guess within the next 3 months or so I'll have a new aunt who's younger than me.  This will be wife #4.  And my uncle has had to go back to work at 67 in order to have the sufficient funds to sponsor her and her kids.

As a former K1 visa applicant myself, and currently going through the labyrinth called US immigration, your uncle and his new wife and stepkids are most likely going to have problems.

On top of whatever travel, visa, relocation, and wedding expenses they've already incurred, they will also need to file for adjustment of status (AOS) shortly after the foreign citizens' arrival in the US. This will cost a minimum of USD 1,225 for the foreign citizen fiancee and USD 750 - 1225 per child, depending on their ages (source). If they don't file for AOS, the fiancee and her kids won't have any kind of legal status in the US.

Moreover, K1 visa holders aren't authorized to work in the US until they get either a work permit (EAD) or a green card. With COVID delays, EADs are taking 6-12 months to be issued. Green cards are taking up to two years.

I'm part of another immigration forum where I see sob stories every day about US spouses and foreign beneficiaries who didn't understand the implications of the K1 visa, couldn't afford to file for AOS and/or couldn't afford to have only one income earner. Sometimes the marriages break down because of the strain.

Adults are free to screw up their finances however they want, but it's heartbreaking when kids are involved. They're uprooted from their home countries, brought to a foreign country, and end up with no legal status because their parents weren't prepared.

If you have the chance to talk to your uncle about all this before his fiancee's arrival, I highly recommend that you do.

Unfortunately, he's never taken advice well, so I'm not sure how well this will go.  I'm actually a bit concerned about the kids.  They are like 8 and 2.  They swear that they aren't my uncle's kids, though I think the youngest looks a lot like my cousin did as a baby.  But the person listed on the birth certificate "isn't involved" so I dont know if he's even been told the kids are leaving.  I would assume he would have to be, but who knows.  Oh, and did I mention that my uncle owes the IRS a metric ton of money.

That could be a problem. Depending on their home country's laws, the mother may need the bio dad's consent for the kids to immigrate to the US. If she takes them without the bio dad's consent, she could be charged with kidnapping.

On the other hand, if the kids are actually your uncle's biological children, they may qualify to be US citizens. I'm going to assume that your uncle is 100% sure that they aren't his biological kids, and therefore the kids have K2 visas tied to their mother's K1 visa.

Immigration stuff aside, this is one potential family disaster I hope I never read about on the MMM forum.

[PDXTabs]

RE: K1 visas. I watched my family go through this. It's possible with some means and ability to navigate bureaucracy, but you better have both. It did end in divorce, but also US citizenship and a job in the US military with benefits, and they still visit us when they are in town.

[iris lily]

I have fostered dogs for local breed rescue for a dozen years and was involved in the breed 15 years prior with a bit of fostering in there.

You would have to pay me to have a puppy.  I much prefer adult dogs. I don’t even especially like to visit small puppies.

A good illustration of this was an incident took place last year when our head of rescue hand picked the PERFECT rescue dog for us to adopt. This is the kind of dog our rescue group makes real money on (which seldom happens since most dogs run us into the red.)  We got dibs because we are uber involved, experienced foster people.

She was a Puppy, around 6 months old. She had the perfect rescue  story—dramatic, with happy ending. She is a show quality dog. She is happy and confident.

So when Our head of rescue offered her to us, I thought wow yeah! She’s gorgeous! Of course we want her!

But unfortunately she was a —puppy. And she was young for her estimated  age.  Despite how pretty she was and damn she was pretty, I didn’t bond with her within the first few days but I thought OK let’s give it some time. By the 10th  day I thought I’m not feeling anything for this dog. And she was justinto everything
, Always eating and chewing.  And the killer deal was that she ate everything in our  garden. I didn’t mind that plants were destroyed, but she was always eating things and her digestive system reacted badly.

 I did not want to have to take her outside to go to the bathroom on a leash and always be watching her in the yard. That is not my lifestyle. And frankly, I wasn’t into this darling  little crazy puppy. So, we passed her on to the next well-known foster people in line who live in a condo and they can watch what she eats when outside.

I don’t regret giving her up she just was not my dog. Some weeks later athree-year-old male came to us for fostering and he  has ended up staying. He is our dog.

[Evildunk99]

Whoa. Just. Whoa.
How did your wife get smart about money? I’m curious
[/quote]


She accumulated student loans while earning her undergrad and then graduate degrees.  She didn't have much room for error and established good habits during those student years.  The graduate degree bumped her income substantially higher, but she kept the good habits.

[Sugaree]

I've probably mentioned that I've got an uncle who has a long history of making bad decisions, most of which involve money and/or women.  It's official.  He's bringing his fiancée over from Central America at the end of the month on a K1 visa.  So, I guess within the next 3 months or so I'll have a new aunt who's younger than me.  This will be wife #4.  And my uncle has had to go back to work at 67 in order to have the sufficient funds to sponsor her and her kids.

As a former K1 visa applicant myself, and currently going through the labyrinth called US immigration, your uncle and his new wife and stepkids are most likely going to have problems.

On top of whatever travel, visa, relocation, and wedding expenses they've already incurred, they will also need to file for adjustment of status (AOS) shortly after the foreign citizens' arrival in the US. This will cost a minimum of USD 1,225 for the foreign citizen fiancee and USD 750 - 1225 per child, depending on their ages (source). If they don't file for AOS, the fiancee and her kids won't have any kind of legal status in the US.

Moreover, K1 visa holders aren't authorized to work in the US until they get either a work permit (EAD) or a green card. With COVID delays, EADs are taking 6-12 months to be issued. Green cards are taking up to two years.

I'm part of another immigration forum where I see sob stories every day about US spouses and foreign beneficiaries who didn't understand the implications of the K1 visa, couldn't afford to file for AOS and/or couldn't afford to have only one income earner. Sometimes the marriages break down because of the strain.

Adults are free to screw up their finances however they want, but it's heartbreaking when kids are involved. They're uprooted from their home countries, brought to a foreign country, and end up with no legal status because their parents weren't prepared.

If you have the chance to talk to your uncle about all this before his fiancee's arrival, I highly recommend that you do.

Unfortunately, he's never taken advice well, so I'm not sure how well this will go.  I'm actually a bit concerned about the kids.  They are like 8 and 2.  They swear that they aren't my uncle's kids, though I think the youngest looks a lot like my cousin did as a baby.  But the person listed on the birth certificate "isn't involved" so I dont know if he's even been told the kids are leaving.  I would assume he would have to be, but who knows.  Oh, and did I mention that my uncle owes the IRS a metric ton of money.

That could be a problem. Depending on their home country's laws, the mother may need the bio dad's consent for the kids to immigrate to the US. If she takes them without the bio dad's consent, she could be charged with kidnapping.

On the other hand, if the kids are actually your uncle's biological children, they may qualify to be US citizens. I'm going to assume that your uncle is 100% sure that they aren't his biological kids, and therefore the kids have K2 visas tied to their mother's K1 visa.

Immigration stuff aside, this is one potential family disaster I hope I never read about on the MMM forum.

It's already a mess and I'm very much not my circus about this whole situation.  He says he has an attorney, so hopefully it's a good one who is giving him all this information.  My mother is concerned that she's going to somehow end up financially responsible, which I've told her shouldn't be a problem as long as she doesn't sign any legal agreements. 

Out of curiosity, what happens if the citizen spouse dies before the immigrant spouse gets citizenship?