Speaking of weird marriage arrangements, I have a college friend who got married about a year after graduation. She was a teacher, he was a pharmaceutical sales rep. Their financial arrangement (per his request) was that they split all expenses equally - rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Of course, at the end of the month, he always had money for new skis, golf clubs, clothes, you name it. She did not. That lasted about a year before they divorced. At least she recognized the situation and resolved it quickly.
There's nothing inherently wrong with that arrangement. I've always had that setup - split joint expenses 50/50, pay individual expenses separately - because I am super egalitarian and have no interest in either subsidizing someone else, or being subsidized. But the key is, you need to have a standard of living that works for the lower earner - it's fucked up to ask for 50/50 and then also push for housing, food, etc beyond the lower earner's ability to afford. And honestly, a teacher would have to be pretty dumb to not realize ahead of time that separate expenses with a high earner would mean... they had more money left over.
I've noted over the last 8 years on MMM that those who think this arrangement is fair tend to make the same or much more than their partners. I've also noted over a lifetime that folks who benefit from ANY arrangement tend to believe it's the right and proper way to do things and have little interest or motivation to learn otherwise. Quite a lot of resistance to learning otherwise is often the case, actually.
I'm not saying any specific person is, I'm just noting a general pattern that's very often true.
My wife and I are a a team. We each bring different strengths to our marriage. (...)
To split expenses evenly and keep our own individual income left over would have been grossly unfair in our situation.
We have the same arrangement as
@Zikoris. Our family situations are also quite similar I think - in our 30s, no children, not really career focused, no or little student loans, living a modest life even by MMM standards. As you say
@SwordGuy, in your situation, raising a child, especially a disabled child which (I assume) is even harder than raising a healthy child, it makes sense that one half of a couple focuses on that while the other focuses on their career. And it would certainly not be fair if a woman who works parttime or not at all to care for a disabled child has no money of her own to get a haircut while her husband can spend on whatever he likes. I think very few people would think that's fair. In our case, we make sure the "big pots" of money are seperate but it's not like he can't eat "my" food in the fridge or something (which is what some people think we do!) . We have a joint account for food and bills that we both put money into and for small expenses the person who has their wallet with them pays.
But I don't really consider Mr Imma and I to be a "team". I know he has my back and will help me whenever he can, but we don't have a joint "thing" to work on as a team. I live my life, he lives his life. We don't have children or a joint business or a farm or anything like that.
When we met, I had a lower income than he did, and lived in a cheap rental that I paid for on my own. When he first moved in, we had to discuss how much we were each going to pay towards the rent, and I didn't feel it would be fair if he would pay 75% of the rent because he made more money. Effectively that would mean I would make a profit off him. It didn't feel right. Besides, my income was lower but I was putting myself through evening classes at the time and I knew I'd probably make the same as him later on in my career. I knew his income would never really increase - he's an artist, he works parttime to pay the bills. He does make a bit more now than he did then, but it's never going to be a lot. He's happy to work this job for his entire life. He's not particularly interested in RE either because he likes the structure work brings to his life.
For the first couple of years my income was lower, then it was similar to his, then we both started to make more money but we were still almost making the same. Now, for the first time, since a couple of months I make significantly more money than he does. We have been thinking of how to handle this, because we both like the 50/50 split that we've been doing for years. We are both financially responsible but we make different choices. As a child of an abusive marriage, it's also extremely important for me to always have access to money that is mine alone.
However, due to my new high income, he no longer qualifies for subsidized healthcare either, so I've decided to pay health insurance for both of us now. We like our current lifestyle so I'm not expecting much of a lifestyle creep. At this point, my net worth is about €10k higher than his, even though our incomes were similar. But from now on, my net worth will go up significantly every month. It does feel a bit weird, but on the other hand it doesn't really feel that unfair. He has spent most of his free time over the years making art, something he enjoys but knows will probably never earn him a lot of money. I've spent my free time studying, putting myself through undergrad and grad school while working. I didn't really enjoy that but I knew it would pay off. Different choices, different results. Because I also have a disability, reaching FI ASAP is extremely important to me. I want to be able to stop working when I want to, when I'm still healthy, instead of being forced to work until I no longer can in order to qualify for a disability payment.
Topic: Relatives who just don't get it (Read 3631128 times)
