Relatives who just don't get it

[former player]

While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.

Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

Maybe I forgot to mention this part of the story.   At one point the people I was renting a room from let him stay on the couch because he had no money, no job, and nowhere else to go.   Room and board and his only rent was "take a shower each day".

And he couldn't be bothered to pay his rent.

What was there to talk about?    Seriously, how could you have a rational, useful conversation that would lead to actual positive results with someone like that?

Do you think they never tried?

That seems to have been a joke about English reticence on emotional and family matters that got lost in translation. Sorry.

[Just Joe]

It happens. I know two 40s MEN (boys) who live at home b/c neither of them can hold down a job. At one time both made a good living. Mental illness? Parenting failure?

[Sugaree]

How about the family member that pawned an expensive chainsaw over the summer.  He's now paid twice as much in interest as he borrowed and nearly as much as it would cost to go out and buy a new one.

[NYExpat]

My MIL died back in February a 1.5 months before COVID hit big. She had a heart attack due to a replaced heart valve going bad. She was in the hospital for 2(?) days and we visited for when she was discharged from the hospital.  We drove home 3 hours away and got woken up the morning that she had another massive heart attack and didn't make it.  MIL worked, FIL is on SS Disability due to poor health from not maintaining diabetes.  Their marriage was rocky for years but everyone is still pretty upset with FIL because one of the first things he said while in the ER after she passed was "She just got paid and I'm not on the account"  She had a separate account because he IS spendy-pants and has opened up multiple cards behind her back ~15K.

Between her 401K/IRA that he cashed out, life insurance payout and cash envelope that MIL coworkers gave him, he's been blowing through cash on stupid stuff.  We had to move him into subsidized housing, but he doesn't want to give up the leased SUV.  Brother-in-law who was on a joint account ended up pulling some of the money into another account so that FIL didn't blow through it all in a couple years.  His response "I'll play that game".  We'd talk to him about finances and his spending and he's say the right things, but never change.

It's infuriating when we're not trying to play a game, we're trying to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless. It's not like it's some huge inheritance we're mad about not getting, we just don't want him to have to live at a soup kitchen. And yet the diabetic still drinks pop and buys prepared food.  We're not going to abandon him, but it sucks when people are selfish.  It feels bad to say, but we all assumed he would die from a diabetic related infection long before MIL. 

[Just Joe]

WOW....

[NYExpat]

I suppose to be "fair" not all the 15K credit card debt was secret, but he's always lived beyond his means. It's telling that MIL made DW the beneficiary of a work life insurance policy instead of her spouse.  When you're in your early 30's you shouldn't have more money than someone just getting to retirement age.  I'm glad I got the FIRE bug early-ish.  At least my parents have their act together.

[better late]

While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.

Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

Maybe I forgot to mention this part of the story.   At one point the people I was renting a room from let him stay on the couch because he had no money, no job, and nowhere else to go.   Room and board and his only rent was "take a shower each day".

And he couldn't be bothered to pay his rent.

What was there to talk about?    Seriously, how could you have a rational, useful conversation that would lead to actual positive results with someone like that?

Do you think they never tried?

That seems to have been a joke about English reticence on emotional and family matters that got lost in translation. Sorry.

Your prior reply made me laugh out loud :)

[better late]

My MIL died back in February a 1.5 months before COVID hit big. She had a heart attack due to a replaced heart valve going bad. She was in the hospital for 2(?) days and we visited for when she was discharged from the hospital.  We drove home 3 hours away and got woken up the morning that she had another massive heart attack and didn't make it.  MIL worked, FIL is on SS Disability due to poor health from not maintaining diabetes.  Their marriage was rocky for years but everyone is still pretty upset with FIL because one of the first things he said while in the ER after she passed was "She just got paid and I'm not on the account"  She had a separate account because he IS spendy-pants and has opened up multiple cards behind her back ~15K.

Between her 401K/IRA that he cashed out, life insurance payout and cash envelope that MIL coworkers gave him, he's been blowing through cash on stupid stuff.  We had to move him into subsidized housing, but he doesn't want to give up the leased SUV.  Brother-in-law who was on a joint account ended up pulling some of the money into another account so that FIL didn't blow through it all in a couple years.  His response "I'll play that game".  We'd talk to him about finances and his spending and he's say the right things, but never change.

It's infuriating when we're not trying to play a game, we're trying to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless. It's not like it's some huge inheritance we're mad about not getting, we just don't want him to have to live at a soup kitchen. And yet the diabetic still drinks pop and buys prepared food.  We're not going to abandon him, but it sucks when people are selfish.  It feels bad to say, but we all assumed he would die from a diabetic related infection long before MIL.

Whoa - that’s a lot! I understand how you’re feeling the way you’ve described feeling.

With the disability If there is any money that isn’t directly his you might be able to put it in a special needs trust, but it can’t be his money funding it. Might be worth looking into

[NYExpat]

Interesting, I'd never heard of a special needs trust. Not sure if the diabetes would qualify, but there is also not really enough money to provide an income stream for him.  We've got some life insurance money set aside for when he runs out, but things are definitely strained.

[Sibley]

My MIL died back in February a 1.5 months before COVID hit big. She had a heart attack due to a replaced heart valve going bad. She was in the hospital for 2(?) days and we visited for when she was discharged from the hospital.  We drove home 3 hours away and got woken up the morning that she had another massive heart attack and didn't make it.  MIL worked, FIL is on SS Disability due to poor health from not maintaining diabetes.  Their marriage was rocky for years but everyone is still pretty upset with FIL because one of the first things he said while in the ER after she passed was "She just got paid and I'm not on the account"  She had a separate account because he IS spendy-pants and has opened up multiple cards behind her back ~15K.

Between her 401K/IRA that he cashed out, life insurance payout and cash envelope that MIL coworkers gave him, he's been blowing through cash on stupid stuff.  We had to move him into subsidized housing, but he doesn't want to give up the leased SUV.  Brother-in-law who was on a joint account ended up pulling some of the money into another account so that FIL didn't blow through it all in a couple years.  His response "I'll play that game".  We'd talk to him about finances and his spending and he's say the right things, but never change.

It's infuriating when we're not trying to play a game, we're trying to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless. It's not like it's some huge inheritance we're mad about not getting, we just don't want him to have to live at a soup kitchen. And yet the diabetic still drinks pop and buys prepared food.  We're not going to abandon him, but it sucks when people are selfish.  It feels bad to say, but we all assumed he would die from a diabetic related infection long before MIL.

To be perfectly honest... there are plenty of people who survive on social security, food stamps, low income housing, etc. If he ends up as one of them, he will have done it to himself. It's ok to let him just blow the money and then grumble about being poor, while family makes sure the bare minimum needs are met.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

Their marriage was rocky for years but everyone is still pretty upset with FIL because one of the first things he said while in the ER after she passed was "She just got paid and I'm not on the account" 

Yeah.... I think that would be a strong signal to me to let him rot in his own filth. But that's just me.

[SavinMaven]

we're trying to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless.

I have BTDT and I'm sorry to say, it never works. If he isn't willing to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless, anyone else trying to do so for him will fail eventually.

I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It has a Christian slant, if that offends you, but it's applicable enough to everyone that it was a NYT bestseller. It's life-changing.

[NYExpat]

Thanks for the book recommendation. I think DW may have read it, or something similar. The saga continues. FIL is in the hospital with an infection and will have a toe amputated.  At the end of the last week the DW got a group text with him asking if someone could take him to the hospital because of the the infection.  Several days later he's texting bemoaning the fact that he just bought all this lettuce and tomatoes that are going to go to waster in the fridge. He's resigned himself to the fact that he was going to lose a toe, he just didn't think it would happen so soon. 

[SwordGuy]

Thanks for the book recommendation. I think DW may have read it, or something similar. The saga continues. FIL is in the hospital with an infection and will have a toe amputated.  At the end of the last week the DW got a group text with him asking if someone could take him to the hospital because of the the infection.  Several days later he's texting bemoaning the fact that he just bought all this lettuce and tomatoes that are going to go to waster in the fridge. He's resigned himself to the fact that he was going to lose a toe, he just didn't think it would happen so soon.

Because he couldn't just give it away to people who go out of their way to tote him around on demand?

[NYExpat]

Yeah I'm sure that idea never occurred to him. His apartment isn't particularly convenient for the two siblings who are near, so I doubt they'd swing by to grab it. He was likely just saying that so we'd know he bought healthy food, but didn't mention that he likely still has pop/soda in the fridge.  He did text "I think I'm going to need some more toilet paper soon..."  We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer.  He'll likely be in a hospital for a while, but then will likely not be able to drive for even longer.

[SwordGuy]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

[shelivesthedream]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

[SwordGuy]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

[Smokystache]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Username: Confirmed!

[DadJokes]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Username: Confirmed!

Shouldn't it be AxeGuy instead?

[AlanStache]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

Complaining about him in a chat room wont change his future behavior.  "Bill, this is an example of what we have talked about in the past.  If you need us to send you some TP paper please directly ask us - we will be happy to help."  Some people dont get what we think would be obvious clues or read the situation the same as we do. 

[dandarc]

If we can't complain in chat rooms, I can save $50 / month on internet access.

[AlanStache]

If we can't complain in chat rooms, I can save $50 / month on internet access.

Ok but else how will you get cat videos and MLM sales pitches from high school acquaintances?

[Psychstache]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

Complaining about him in a chat room wont change his future behavior.  "Bill, this is an example of what we have talked about in the past.  If you need us to send you some TP paper please directly ask us - we will be happy to help."  Some people dont get what we think would be obvious clues or read the situation the same as we do.

There was another forumite who used to go with (and I have since stolen):

"oh wow. That's a bummer. What's your plan to fix it?"

[Just Joe]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Fighting over a package of toilet paper huh? Or parking space? ;) (Looks like fun)

[ysette9]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

My 6 year old does this and I don’t feed into it because it also drives me nuts.

“I am thirsty. I need water!”
“Oh, is that so? What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m thirsty. I need you to get me water.”
“That is not how we ask for things around here.”
“Mummy, dearest, can you please get me some water?”
“Ah hah! Yes, I can get you some water.”

[ixtap]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

My 6 year old does this and I don’t feed into it because it also drives me nuts.

“I am thirsty. I need water!”
“Oh, is that so? What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m thirsty. I need you to get me water.”
“That is not how we ask for things around here.”
“Mummy, dearest, can you please get me some water?”
“Ah hah! Yes, I can get you some water.”

That is how I have trained my husband who comes from a family with no communication skills.

-I will take the chicken breast since no one else likes that.
-Uh, actually, there is one breast, three legs and five thighs left.
-I will take the chicken breast...it is always the least popular.
-TAKE THE DAMN CHICKEN BREAST BUT STOP ACTING LIKE IT IS SOME KIND OF MORAL HIGH GROUND


-It is so sweet of you to offer!
-Is that "Yes, thank you" or "Bless your heart"?!?

[SwordGuy]

We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Username: Confirmed!

Shouldn't it be AxeGuy instead?

Note in my other hand is a sword that's cutting into his sword arm so he won't be able to hit back in case I miss with the axe...     Rule #1 is "Don't get hit."   Rule #2 is "Hit the other person."   Priorities matter. :)

[jinga nation]

not relatives, but very close friends (2 families), who have purchased SUVs prior their first baby being born, for "safety" reasons.

the first friend said he regretted getting the Euro-SUV since him and his wife are short and it was an effort to lift the infant car seat and place it into position and lock it in. and later on strapping the kid in the forward-facing car seat.

wife was told that she should drive an SUV by the wife of the 2nd friend; she said we did fine with compact and mid-sized sedans and had zero back or shoulder issues (which them friend folk were complaining about). told me wife the next day (when she told me about the friends convo) that she should have replied with "regular exercise regimen of running/swimming, lifting weights, and yoga would help alleviate those baby lifting issues".

funny how people will buy a $30k+ SUV but will balk at paying for a modest gym membership or buying good decent equipment for investing in their health.

[DaMa]

BIL had planned to retire at 62.  He turned 62, but can't retire because he can't afford to pay for SIL's healthcare for 5 years (she's 60).  He's going to work until he's 65.  Since he has to work, he decided to get a new 3 year lease, instead of buying his current 3 year lease as he planned.

He said, as long as he has to work, he has to have a reliable car.

[zolotiyeruki]

BIL had planned to retire at 62.  He turned 62, but can't retire because he can't afford to pay for SIL's healthcare for 5 years (she's 60).  He's going to work until he's 65.  Since he has to work, he decided to get a new 3 year lease, instead of buying his current 3 year lease as he planned.

He said, as long as he has to work, he has to have a reliable car.

....right, right...because cars magically become unreliable the moment the lease ends.... SMH

[Model96]

BIL had planned to retire at 62.  He turned 62, but can't retire because he can't afford to pay for SIL's healthcare for 5 years (she's 60).  He's going to work until he's 65.  Since he has to work, he decided to get a new 3 year lease, instead of buying his current 3 year lease as he planned.

He said, as long as he has to work, he has to have a reliable car.

....right, right...because cars magically become unreliable the moment the lease ends.... SMH

😂

[Just Joe]

BIL had planned to retire at 62.  He turned 62, but can't retire because he can't afford to pay for SIL's healthcare for 5 years (she's 60).  He's going to work until he's 65.  Since he has to work, he decided to get a new 3 year lease, instead of buying his current 3 year lease as he planned.

He said, as long as he has to work, he has to have a reliable car.

....right, right...because cars magically become unreliable the moment the lease ends.... SMH

Absolutely unreliable. We bought an off-lease vehicle. We've put about 60-70K miles on it (~105K miles)

You know the tires wore out and I've had to change the oil from time to time??? Can you believe that? It even gets dirty and we have to wash/vacuum it out. Fortunately, no other problems. YET!

I just KNOW the tires will wear out again eventually. At that point - why we'll probably HAVE to sell it and buy something NEW! The new ones get 1 MPG better mileage I heard.... And the chrome trim around the window buttons has been updated. So stylish it just begs for a person to go into 6-7 years of debt to purchase it. /S

 

[Taran Wanderer]

Omg the expense of washing a car. I can’t believe you’d waste that time and money rather than just trading it in...  and oil and new tires on top of that? What are you thinking?

[ysette9]

Or you could just not wash it.... like my embarrassing car.

[Tass]

Or you could just not wash it.... like my embarrassing car.

This is my strategy. My car is white and it barely rains here, so it gets GROSS. Every time I see it I am filled with a mixture of amused disgust and perverse pride. Ideally I only see it once a week or so anyway.

[iluvzbeach]

I read a post on FB last week where the person said they took their ~3 year old car to the dealership for an oil change and while there they were told they needed new tires. The poster didn’t want to spend the money on new tires so she just traded her car in for the newest model. I can’t even imagine thinking this would be better than getting the new tires.

[SwordGuy]

I read a post on FB last week where the person said they took their ~3 year old car to the dealership for an oil change and while there they were told they needed new tires. The poster didn’t want to spend the money on new tires so she just traded her car in for the newest model. I can’t even imagine thinking this would be better than getting the new tires.

First, start from the position that:

1) Credit cards have "space" on them that can be filled (instead of the way we view it as a liability to be avoided).
2) You've filled up all that "space" on the cards.
3) You have little to no savings because, well, you can't save because of all the debt payments you have to pay each month.
4) Tires would be an extra cost on top of the monthly payments and there's no wiggle room.
5) Therefore, it's "more affordable" to trade which car you make payments on instead of paying for the tires.

Hope that helps.

Now I need to go wash my brain out with soap.

[jinga nation]

I read a post on FB last week where the person said they took their ~3 year old car to the dealership for an oil change and while there they were told they needed new tires. The poster didn’t want to spend the money on new tires so she just traded her car in for the newest model. I can’t even imagine thinking this would be better than getting the new tires.

First, start from the position that:

1) Credit cards have "space" on them that can be filled (instead of the way we view it as a liability to be avoided).
2) You've filled up all that "space" on the cards.
3) You have little to no savings because, well, you can't save because of all the debt payments you have to pay each month.
4) Tires would be an extra cost on top of the monthly payments and there's no wiggle room.
5) Therefore, it's "more affordable" to trade which car you make payments on instead of paying for the tires.

Hope that helps.

Now I need to go wash my brain out with soap.

OMG! That's a heckton of logic gates being flip-flopped.
Please ensure the soap is organic and biodegradable and from sustainable/renewable resources. Because the environment is running out of wiggle room. :-p

[Syonyk]

That's actually a really good description of how a lot of people think about money, debt, credit cards, payments, etc.

I talked to someone at one point who had the view that when you paid a car off, then you bought a new one.  Because if you didn't have car payments, that money would end up going to payments on something else, and then you wouldn't have money to buy a car when you needed one.  It was utterly baffling, but I certainly see that sort of behavior.

[Zikoris]

That's actually a really good description of how a lot of people think about money, debt, credit cards, payments, etc.

I talked to someone at one point who had the view that when you paid a car off, then you bought a new one.  Because if you didn't have car payments, that money would end up going to payments on something else, and then you wouldn't have money to buy a car when you needed one.  It was utterly baffling, but I certainly see that sort of behavior.

I told a coworker once about putting stuff on credit cards for the points and paying it off every month so no interest/fees. Simple concept, right? No, apparently it doesn't work because you won't have enough money to pay it off. Even though your spending and income was exactly the same, just on the credit card versus cash. He explained that it's impossible to just have money in the bank because it gets spent, so my system would be a disaster in even one month. I was like.... Well, couldn't you just NOT spend it? Lol.

[RetiredAt63]

That's actually a really good description of how a lot of people think about money, debt, credit cards, payments, etc.

I talked to someone at one point who had the view that when you paid a car off, then you bought a new one.  Because if you didn't have car payments, that money would end up going to payments on something else, and then you wouldn't have money to buy a car when you needed one.  It was utterly baffling, but I certainly see that sort of behavior.

I told a coworker once about putting stuff on credit cards for the points and paying it off every month so no interest/fees. Simple concept, right? No, apparently it doesn't work because you won't have enough money to pay it off. Even though your spending and income was exactly the same, just on the credit card versus cash. He explained that it's impossible to just have money in the bank because it gets spent, so my system would be a disaster in even one month. I was like.... Well, couldn't you just NOT spend it? Lol.

My X would see the bank account was healthy and spend the money on something, even though it was already earmarked for something else.  I hate to remember how often I paid the minimum on the credit card payments.  It wasn't that he didn't know, because I told him often enough, it just never sank in.  So I can perfectly understand people thinking that way.  We are all here because we don't think that way.

[Sugaree]

That's actually a really good description of how a lot of people think about money, debt, credit cards, payments, etc.

I talked to someone at one point who had the view that when you paid a car off, then you bought a new one.  Because if you didn't have car payments, that money would end up going to payments on something else, and then you wouldn't have money to buy a car when you needed one.  It was utterly baffling, but I certainly see that sort of behavior.

I told a coworker once about putting stuff on credit cards for the points and paying it off every month so no interest/fees. Simple concept, right? No, apparently it doesn't work because you won't have enough money to pay it off. Even though your spending and income was exactly the same, just on the credit card versus cash. He explained that it's impossible to just have money in the bank because it gets spent, so my system would be a disaster in even one month. I was like.... Well, couldn't you just NOT spend it? Lol.

My X would see the bank account was healthy and spend the money on something, even though it was already earmarked for something else.  I hate to remember how often I paid the minimum on the credit card payments.  It wasn't that he didn't know, because I told him often enough, it just never sank in.  So I can perfectly understand people thinking that way.  We are all here because we don't think that way.

I see we were married to the same man.

[PMG]

Mom?! That you?

[onward19]

I read a post on FB last week where the person said they took their ~3 year old car to the dealership for an oil change and while there they were told they needed new tires. The poster didn’t want to spend the money on new tires so she just traded her car in for the newest model. I can’t even imagine thinking this would be better than getting the new tires.

 I would say this sounds crazy, but it clearly happens often enough for dealers to try to pitch people the idea.

 The last time ( and it was the last time) that I took my car to the dealership for an oil change, they sent the tech out to me in the waiting room to brag on what amazing shape the car was in for it's age, and how well we'd maintained it etc. It really is in amazing shape for it's age. But they went from that into a pitch for the nice shiny new model sitting on the showroom ten feet away, and how much of a good price I'd get on a trade-in since my old car was in such good condition.
  I can see how people would be tempted by that if they already make poor financial decisions and/or are tired of their old car and want something new.

[ysette9]

Or you could just not wash it.... like my embarrassing car.

This is my strategy. My car is white and it barely rains here, so it gets GROSS. Every time I see it I am filled with a mixture of amused disgust and perverse pride. Ideally I only see it once a week or so anyway.

It isn’t my ideal state. I used to love washing my car and taking pride in it. Back when I had time and a driveway to do the work. Now with little kids and urban living the best I can do is take it through the drive-through car wash occasionally, but that doesn’t do anything for the crumb problem in the back seat.

[RetiredAt63]

That's actually a really good description of how a lot of people think about money, debt, credit cards, payments, etc.

I talked to someone at one point who had the view that when you paid a car off, then you bought a new one.  Because if you didn't have car payments, that money would end up going to payments on something else, and then you wouldn't have money to buy a car when you needed one.  It was utterly baffling, but I certainly see that sort of behavior.

I told a coworker once about putting stuff on credit cards for the points and paying it off every month so no interest/fees. Simple concept, right? No, apparently it doesn't work because you won't have enough money to pay it off. Even though your spending and income was exactly the same, just on the credit card versus cash. He explained that it's impossible to just have money in the bank because it gets spent, so my system would be a disaster in even one month. I was like.... Well, couldn't you just NOT spend it? Lol.

My X would see the bank account was healthy and spend the money on something, even though it was already earmarked for something else.  I hate to remember how often I paid the minimum on the credit card payments.  It wasn't that he didn't know, because I told him often enough, it just never sank in.  So I can perfectly understand people thinking that way.  We are all here because we don't think that way.

I see we were married to the same man.

Yes, we were.  As in, we are not now.  Amazing how much further my money goes now.   ;-)

I swear that the ditty about telling the men from the boys by the size (cost?) of their toys has real truth.  Not for all, of course, but for too many.

[sherr]

I swear that the ditty about telling the men from the boys by the size (cost?) of their toys has real truth.  Not for all, of course, but for too many.

Hey, you're about to hurt my astronomy-loving feelings. ;)

[RetiredAt63]

I swear that the ditty about telling the men from the boys by the size (cost?) of their toys has real truth.  Not for all, of course, but for too many.

Hey, you're about to hurt my astronomy-loving feelings. ;)

You are on these forums, I would assume you thought long and hard before buying any of your equipment. And I am also assuming this is a serious hobby, not just buying equipment on a whim. If not, feel free to give yourself a face punch.  ;-)

I am sure there are husbands (or ex-husbands*) who could tell the same stories in reverse, but I am amazed at how many women I know, in person and on various forums, who penny pinch while their husbands indulge themselves in every whim.  I even know a few widows who were worried about finances after their husbands died who are finding their finances are actually in better shape.  The small indulgences also add up, as we know from Pete's get rich $10 at a time blog.

* We know there are mustachians of both genders who post here, who have been through the financial and emotional hell that is divorce.  In the long run the finances end up OK, because we are mustachian and we do make them work.

[Taran Wanderer]

Speaking of weird marriage arrangements, I have a college friend who got married about a year after graduation.  She was a teacher, he was a pharmaceutical sales rep.  Their financial arrangement (per his request) was that they split all expenses equally - rent, utilities, groceries, etc.  Of course, at the end of the month, he always had money for new skis, golf clubs, clothes, you name it.  She did not.  That lasted about a year before they divorced.  At least she recognized the situation and resolved it quickly.