Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 3462477 times)

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5650 on: January 14, 2020, 03:33:42 PM »
Locally our SPCA doesnít take animals from owners. The local shelter does.

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5651 on: January 15, 2020, 08:18:34 AM »
tales of whoa

The phrase is "tales of woe". Silly English language and its homonyms!


Some of these tales detail the lack of people's whoa on spending... Its been an education.

alienbogey

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5652 on: January 15, 2020, 11:50:31 AM »
Relatives:  Well into 5 digits of debt, at current income/spending levels will take approximately forever to pay off, husband recently couldn't get security clearance for significantly better job due to debt status.  Upon hearing our made-gently-as-possible suggestion that perhaps they don't need to go through case after case of carbonated, lightly flavored canned water, and that wife maybe doesn't actually NEED to buy enough ugly Christmas sweaters that she has a different one for each day of December (her stated goal), this was the reply:

"But we want to enjoy life."

Goldielocks

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5653 on: January 15, 2020, 11:55:57 AM »
tales of whoa

The phrase is "tales of woe". Silly English language and its homonyms!

But it is amazingly better and more accurate to use "Whoa!"   As in "Stop your foolishness!"
I liked it a lot.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5654 on: January 15, 2020, 12:38:28 PM »
tales of whoa
The phrase is "tales of woe". Silly English language and its homonyms!
But it is amazingly better and more accurate to use "Whoa!"   As in "Stop your foolishness!"
I liked it a lot.
Isn't it "woah" if you mean "stop"?

honeybbq

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5655 on: January 15, 2020, 12:51:55 PM »
I think there is some whoa in that story as well as woe.

This should definitely be added to the MMM lexicon.

honeybbq

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5656 on: January 15, 2020, 12:55:33 PM »
Relatives:  Well into 5 digits of debt, at current income/spending levels will take approximately forever to pay off, husband recently couldn't get security clearance for significantly better job due to debt status.  Upon hearing our made-gently-as-possible suggestion that perhaps they don't need to go through case after case of carbonated, lightly flavored canned water, and that wife maybe doesn't actually NEED to buy enough ugly Christmas sweaters that she has a different one for each day of December (her stated goal), this was the reply:

"But we want to enjoy life."

Sounds like they have way bigger problems than carbonated water.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5657 on: January 15, 2020, 12:56:37 PM »
tales of whoa
The phrase is "tales of woe". Silly English language and its homonyms!
But it is amazingly better and more accurate to use "Whoa!"   As in "Stop your foolishness!"
I liked it a lot.
Isn't it "woah" if you mean "stop"?

It is in the southern USA.   Then again, the word "dog" has two syllables here, too, so I wouldn't use us for pronunciation guidance... ;)

Kris

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5658 on: January 15, 2020, 12:56:48 PM »
tales of whoa
The phrase is "tales of woe". Silly English language and its homonyms!
But it is amazingly better and more accurate to use "Whoa!"   As in "Stop your foolishness!"
I liked it a lot.
Isn't it "woah" if you mean "stop"?

No. Itís whoa.

Though recently, enough people are spelling it incorrectly (woah) that it is now considered by some to be an alternate spelling.

https://writingexplained.org/whoa-or-woah-difference#Summary

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/words-were-watching-woah-whoa-slang-definition

dandarc

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5659 on: January 15, 2020, 01:01:00 PM »
tales of whoa
The phrase is "tales of woe". Silly English language and its homonyms!
But it is amazingly better and more accurate to use "Whoa!"   As in "Stop your foolishness!"
I liked it a lot.
Isn't it "woah" if you mean "stop"?
Merriam-Webster, as of June 19, 2019 anyway is officially calling "woah" a misspelling, but it apparently is being used enough now that they are considering putting it in the dictionary.

Davnasty

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5660 on: January 15, 2020, 01:05:54 PM »
tales of whoa
The phrase is "tales of woe". Silly English language and its homonyms!
But it is amazingly better and more accurate to use "Whoa!"   As in "Stop your foolishness!"
I liked it a lot.
Isn't it "woah" if you mean "stop"?

The original meaning of whoa was stop/slow down only but later became an exclamation of surprise.

I can see how the word made that transition and in fact you might say we still use it with it's original meaning intact. As in "Whoa, everyone stop what you're doing because something surprising just happened" or "Whoa, stop talking so I can process that ridiculous thing you just said"

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5661 on: January 15, 2020, 02:19:10 PM »
Isn't it "woah" if you mean "stop"?
No. Itís whoa.

Though recently, enough people are spelling it incorrectly (woah) that it is now considered by some to be an alternate spelling.

https://writingexplained.org/whoa-or-woah-difference#Summary

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/words-were-watching-woah-whoa-slang-definition
Interesting!  Thanks for the elucidation!

Dave1442397

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5662 on: January 15, 2020, 04:29:42 PM »

My mom always said that the marker for parental indulgence and subsequent consequences for most humans is determined on the drive home from the hospital.  Kids whose parents could not bear the sound of that new infant crying in the car seat and stopped to remove them and hold them in their lap on the way home were likely to have a lot of discipline problems with those kids their whole lives.  Kids who had to cry their way through the ride but were immeasurably safer by being left in the car seat were going to be just fine.   

I am sure there are exceptions but it sounds about right to me.

That's funny, because I remember strapping our daughter in her car seat for the ride home from the hospital, and she immediately started screaming like a banshee. We looked at each other and said "We better get the hell out of here before she wakes up the whole hospital!" She stayed in the car seat, of course.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5663 on: January 15, 2020, 04:38:07 PM »
Good for you!  That white knuckle ride sets a precedent for so many future conflicts.

ysette9

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Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5664 on: January 15, 2020, 04:57:38 PM »
It would have never occurred to me to take the baby out of the car seat. Who even thinks that way?

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5665 on: January 15, 2020, 05:09:32 PM »
When my first was born 47 years ago they didnít make car seats for infants. I was relieved 4 years later when I had my second and they did. It would never occur to me to take them out.

Dave1442397

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5666 on: January 16, 2020, 05:46:51 AM »
I'd forgotten I took a photo. I can still hear that wail :)

DadJokes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5667 on: January 16, 2020, 05:52:43 AM »
Ours was quiet and happy as a clam on the ride home. What does that say, other than I am way more fortunate than I deserve?

TheFrenchCat

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5668 on: January 16, 2020, 06:22:06 AM »
And now, another tale of whoa: Spoke with my sister today about how my brother, who lives with my mother in his mid forties, has again charged unauthorized charges on her credit card. My sister is still in "help him" mode, even though this person has ripped all of us off over the decades, and is stunningly lazy, corrupt and abusive. Almost impressive actually. She said something like the problem is "he needs to learn to live within his means." First off, he has no means as he's chronically unemployed and works fewer hours in a year than I do in a week. Secondarily he has no need to get any means as he has a herd of enablers around him to "help help help." So embarrassed to be related to this clown haha

Goodness, this is what I'm so scared my brother's going to end up like.  They sound so similar, except my brother is in his mid twenties.  And it's pretty much just my mom enabling.  Which makes me worry about her retirement, especially since she pays a car loan on a car for him and is in almost 10k of credit card debt. 

If you don't mind my asking, do you still have a relationship with him?  If so, do you have any advice on how to navigate that?  If not, do you have any advice on how to maintain your relationship with your mom while he lives with her?  Thanks.

Well, it's difficult because one can't properly have a relationship with a corrupt person. My family is so naive and think the best of people that they just believe his lies and excuses. This is his currency and they're still accepting it. The problem with maintaining my relationship with my mother is that he not only lives with her he insisted on living in the front room as his bedroom, which is now hoarderville as he smokes pot and takes benzos daily while watching TV. One has to go past him to get to my mother's room way in the back. As he is a true professional victim, incredibly abusive as well as being armed, it's best to stay away. We did try for a long time. We all strongly insisted he not be permitted to live in the front room but my mother, as always, protected him from the big bad siblings so now they pretty much live in hoarderville and I refuse to visit. We all make our choices.

As far as advice goes--this got away from us because of women in my family not being able to hold boundaries. Lazy abusive men find these kind of women and use them--even if not maliciously, just in a whiny pussified way haha. It's difficult to ask a mother to prosecute and evict, but that's always on my wish list and I'm not one to care about somebody's housing more than they do. Save yourself, kid. And that's how people learn, by facing challenges and getting a harsh reality check.

I really needed to hear the bolded.  My mom keeps saying she wants my brother and I to have a good relationship, and I know the work of that would just fall on me.  I don't know if I'll  sever all lines of communication, but I've just decided I'm not going to strain myself over it, and if the relationship is a bit fake or shallow that's fine if that keeps me safe and sane.  And if I have to cut him, and even my mom, out of my life, I'll do it. 

Thank you.

Zoot

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5669 on: January 16, 2020, 07:07:31 AM »
My mom keeps saying she wants my brother and I to have a good relationship, and I know the work of that would just fall on me.  I don't know if I'll  sever all lines of communication, but I've just decided I'm not going to strain myself over it, and if the relationship is a bit fake or shallow that's fine if that keeps me safe and sane.  And if I have to cut him, and even my mom, out of my life, I'll do it. 

Thank you.

And thank YOU, scrunchythief, for saying the above--I really needed to hear every word of that, myself, especially the bolded.  Fake and shallow are not my standard operating procedure, but that may in some cases be the best of all possible outcomes.  As soon as "safe and sane" are clearly out of the question, then other choices can and must be made.

Thank you.  :)

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5670 on: January 16, 2020, 09:03:43 AM »
My mom keeps saying she wants my brother and I to have a good relationship, and I know the work of that would just fall on me.  I don't know if I'll  sever all lines of communication, but I've just decided I'm not going to strain myself over it, and if the relationship is a bit fake or shallow that's fine if that keeps me safe and sane.  And if I have to cut him, and even my mom, out of my life, I'll do it. 

Thank you.

And thank YOU, scrunchythief, for saying the above--I really needed to hear every word of that, myself, especially the bolded.  Fake and shallow are not my standard operating procedure, but that may in some cases be the best of all possible outcomes.  As soon as "safe and sane" are clearly out of the question, then other choices can and must be made.

Thank you.  :)
When dealing with a basically dishonest, corrupt, or predatory person, the best you can ever hope for is a cursory acquaintanceship. For that, all a person has to do is to be polite when you meet by chance. This means that if you're both guests at a large party, you greet them and conduct a civil conversation in which you give them absolutely no information about yourself. Be mannerly and polite, as though you were talking to a stranger. Any structured involvement where there's some sort of social contract is simply too much, because you're dealing with a person who basically gets off on violating social contracts. Making even the slightest effort at social interaction will backfire because the toxic person interprets it as an invitation to do inappropriate and toxic things, and abuse whatever access you're providing. This means you don't invite this person to your home, you don't treat them to meals, you don't exchange gifts or holiday cards, and you don't friend them on social media. You don't call them, text them, write to them, or meet them for lunch. You don't vent to them, you don't pass news along, you don't deliver messages from other people, and you don't discuss any problems you might be having. Anything you say can and will be used against you later. You also don't discuss them behind their back or send messages to them using other people as go-betweens. You also don't speak to them or interact with them alone. Make sure another person is present at all times. The presence of a witness often deters a toxic person from making a false accusation. Above all, don't do anything that might lead others to believe you and the toxic person are on good terms, because they can and will use your credibility to con others. Even holiday gift exchanges or being "friends" on social media is too much.

Corrupt people are adept at muddying the waters so that their actions and decisions appear to be reasonable. They're great at pretending to be socially awkward, "on the spectrum", or otherwise not accountable for their actions. There's always some kind of pretense of not being able to understand or remember when it's time to reciprocate a good turn, or what the standards and expectations are when it comes to respecting other people's boundaries and treating them well. But in reality it's just a pretense: when someone else does the same thing to them, they're suddenly and magically able to recognize inappropriate behavior when they see it. Toxic people cannot continue to function unless they're able to obfuscate the real issue, which is their decision to deliberately violate boundaries and social expectations. They do it to avoid consequences. They do it because the only way they will get to continue to trade on the benefit of other people's doubt is to generate a flaming metric ton of doubt in the first place.

There's a minimum safe distance from dysfunction, if you want to have a happy life yourself. No contact is very extreme, but it's sometimes necessary. The worst thing you can do is alternating periods of no contact and full contact: it sends the message that your "no" is meaningless and that your boundaries and standards aren't real-- in short, that you're the one who is the fake, or the drama artist, or the person responsible for the problem.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5671 on: January 16, 2020, 10:18:35 AM »

snip ~ smart things @TheGrimSqueaker says ~ snip


Also known as going "grey rock" with this kind of corrupt person.  There is lots of stuff online about how to do that and why it is so important, echoing what TGS has advised. 

SunnyDays

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5672 on: January 16, 2020, 10:44:47 AM »
Yes, my exact words were going to be "polite and civil."  That's it.  Makes you wonder how the H someone got so "corrupt."  Sounds like a lot of wok to live life like that.

SunnyDays

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5673 on: January 16, 2020, 10:45:18 AM »
That's "work."

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5674 on: January 16, 2020, 11:33:21 AM »
Yes, my exact words were going to be "polite and civil."  That's it.  Makes you wonder how the H someone got so "corrupt."  Sounds like a lot of work to live life like that.
A lot of work, yes, but most of the work is being done by other people. Which, for the individual who benefits by being the toxic person, makes it the path of least resistance. All they have to do is commit occasional acts of self-sabotage, or throw occasional tantrums, and everyone else kowtows. It isn't even really the effort of the individual so much as the entire community. You never find a corrupt or toxic person without a clique of enablers who like what they're doing and who appear to be doing their best to perpetuate it.

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5675 on: January 16, 2020, 11:35:41 AM »
Yes, my exact words were going to be "polite and civil."  That's it.  Makes you wonder how the H someone got so "corrupt."  Sounds like a lot of work to live life like that.
A lot of work, yes, but most of the work is being done by other people. Which, for the individual who benefits by being the toxic person, makes it the path of least resistance. All they have to do is commit occasional acts of self-sabotage, or throw occasional tantrums, and everyone else kowtows. It isn't even really the effort of the individual so much as the entire community. You never find a corrupt or toxic person without a clique of enablers who like what they're doing and who appear to be doing their best to perpetuate it.

This. So much. I've seen it in my family and friend groups.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5676 on: January 16, 2020, 12:00:01 PM »
Ours was quiet and happy as a clam on the ride home. What does that say, other than I am way more fortunate than I deserve?

Me too. I spent the entire time checking he wasn't dead every fifteen seconds. Unclear what that says about my parenting style! If he had cried, I probably would have white-knuckled it home but there's a chance we would have pulled over to calm him down then started again...if I thought I actually had any idea what might have worked on a three day old baby. Which I 100% didn't. Also unclear what that says about my parenting style!

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5677 on: January 16, 2020, 12:33:26 PM »
Eh, I'll disagree on the car-ride theory, at least for the first child. I don't think there is anything scarier than being a parent.

DadJokes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5678 on: January 16, 2020, 12:45:23 PM »
Eh, I'll disagree on the car-ride theory, at least for the first child. I don't think there is anything scarier than being a parent.

Bears.

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5679 on: January 16, 2020, 01:48:12 PM »
Eh, I'll disagree on the car-ride theory, at least for the first child. I don't think there is anything scarier than being a parent.

Bears.

Sorry, nope. I stand a chance against bears. But I don't stand a chance against the whole world that is out there. I can't protect my child from everything (and everything includes bears), which is what makes it so scary.

Besides, bears are easy. Give them some honey and stay away from their cubs and you'll be fine.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5680 on: January 16, 2020, 03:36:49 PM »
Ours was quiet and happy as a clam on the ride home. What does that say, other than I am way more fortunate than I deserve?

Me too. I spent the entire time checking he wasn't dead every fifteen seconds. Unclear what that says about my parenting style! If he had cried, I probably would have white-knuckled it home but there's a chance we would have pulled over to calm him down then started again...if I thought I actually had any idea what might have worked on a three day old baby. Which I 100% didn't. Also unclear what that says about my parenting style!

Our first nearly died after delivery. Technically she did die, I guess, until CPR began. She went from crying to silence. Fortunately all turned out well due to the miracles of modern medicine.  After that, I am grateful to hear a crying tiny baby. Trust me, itís a lot better than a silent, not breathing newborn. Yes, itís even better on an airplane!

Goldielocks

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5681 on: January 16, 2020, 03:44:17 PM »
Yes, my exact words were going to be "polite and civil."  That's it.  Makes you wonder how the H someone got so "corrupt."  Sounds like a lot of work to live life like that.
A lot of work, yes, but most of the work is being done by other people. Which, for the individual who benefits by being the toxic person, makes it the path of least resistance. All they have to do is commit occasional acts of self-sabotage, or throw occasional tantrums, and everyone else kowtows. It isn't even really the effort of the individual so much as the entire community. You never find a corrupt or toxic person without a clique of enablers who like what they're doing and who appear to be doing their best to perpetuate it.
Question -- What do you call a corrupt or toxic individual without a clique of enablers?
Answer - A (homeless?) dude who gets by and keeps to himself.

Jouer

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5682 on: January 17, 2020, 06:55:40 AM »
Ours was quiet and happy as a clam on the ride home. What does that say, other than I am way more fortunate than I deserve?

Me too. I spent the entire time checking he wasn't dead every fifteen seconds. Unclear what that says about my parenting style! If he had cried, I probably would have white-knuckled it home but there's a chance we would have pulled over to calm him down then started again...if I thought I actually had any idea what might have worked on a three day old baby. Which I 100% didn't. Also unclear what that says about my parenting style!

Our first nearly died after delivery. Technically she did die, I guess, until CPR began. She went from crying to silence. Fortunately all turned out well due to the miracles of modern medicine.  After that, I am grateful to hear a crying tiny baby. Trust me, itís a lot better than a silent, not breathing newborn. Yes, itís even better on an airplane!

That's a great attitude, Taran. And I'm so glad it all worked out for you.

I don't have kids but I never get upset at crying babies in planes, grocery stores, etc. I always feel badly for the baby and parents. (Certain situations like fine dining I'd argue to keep babies and toddlers out of)

DadJokes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5683 on: January 17, 2020, 07:59:33 AM »
Ours was quiet and happy as a clam on the ride home. What does that say, other than I am way more fortunate than I deserve?

Me too. I spent the entire time checking he wasn't dead every fifteen seconds. Unclear what that says about my parenting style! If he had cried, I probably would have white-knuckled it home but there's a chance we would have pulled over to calm him down then started again...if I thought I actually had any idea what might have worked on a three day old baby. Which I 100% didn't. Also unclear what that says about my parenting style!

Our first nearly died after delivery. Technically she did die, I guess, until CPR began. She went from crying to silence. Fortunately all turned out well due to the miracles of modern medicine.  After that, I am grateful to hear a crying tiny baby. Trust me, itís a lot better than a silent, not breathing newborn. Yes, itís even better on an airplane!

That's a great attitude, Taran. And I'm so glad it all worked out for you.

I don't have kids but I never get upset at crying babies in planes, grocery stores, etc. I always feel badly for the baby and parents. (Certain situations like fine dining I'd argue to keep babies and toddlers out of)

There has always been one occasion where a crying baby infuriates me: the movie theater.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5684 on: January 17, 2020, 09:00:25 PM »
There has always been one occasion where a crying baby infuriates me: the movie theater.

Oh, for sure.  I'll give you that one.

On airplane flights, I used to take earplugs for everyone near us when we had little, potentially loud babies and toddlers.  That helps take the edge for the seat neighbors off when the kids can't settle down.

Cb1234567

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5685 on: January 19, 2020, 09:19:05 PM »
... To me, this looks like an act of defiance; lots of nodding in agreement and understanding the need to keep an eye on his monthly spend, but he's just not going to do it.  Fine, I'm done!  I know hubby has been concerned, b/c he plans to RE in 15 months, and our plans do NOT include financing his Dad when he screws up and runs out of money.  Hubby feels a sense of obligation and guilt, even though he has seen a lifetime of bad financial decisions by his parents.  So when hubby woke up, I told him about the transfer of funds, and suggested that he not go out of his way to help his Dad clean up his accounts or feel guilty about this anymore. I told him, I'm not wasting my time on this anymore; it's obvious that the advice is being ignored, so let him do what he wants, and if he does run out of money, he can figure it out on his own.

I have a wise relative who sums it up thus: "You can't care about someone else's problems more than they do."

Iím late to reading Hunnyís post - you could be writing about my MIL...where my husband spent a week and a half sifting through accounts, bills, and years of late fees, to have it all fall apart within days of leaving.

Now he practices saying the phrase, ď gee, mom, Iím so sorry! It sounds like you have a problem!Ē when something inevitably crops up. End of discussion. No point in going over solutions - itís better to not engage, because sheís not at a crisis point yet of being forced to deal with anything. Itís a great waste of money, though - SS plus 2 partial pensions plus whatever savings are squirreled away - and she will likely need it later. BUT you canít make a person do anything :(

Cb1234567

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5686 on: January 19, 2020, 09:34:05 PM »
Removed ourselves from family drama a few years ago, so this info is from reliable second-hand sources who are still in the thick of it.  The parents are living well beyond their means and are underemployed (at retirement age) to afford the home they are in. They had some rent and living cost help for more than a year while housing another family member, but that was never enough to cover true expenses and now that room is empty again and the gap is getting wider each month. Many of us gave money in the last few years, but after we gave 'emergency' help and later saw it going towards unnecessary renovations instead of food and mortgage we stepped way back. We recognized that we could not control where money given was spent, and did not like how the emergency persisted even as flooring was upgraded and other decorating took precedence.
Present day: the sole worker in the family had planned surgery and was off work for a month, so the emergency calls for money to cover mortgage went out the day before it was due. 2 people were moved to wire funds immediately to help out (although they later said, what kind of plan for optional surgery wouldn't account for this main expense?). Apparently they did plan - by calling the bank and getting the credit limit stretched (yikes). The next day the update is that mom has ordered a new mattress with the line of credit. Because - free money! and 'we needed it'. The people who did contribute are currently making plans to not be reachable during the next 'emergency'. Which is of course, now since they are actually, finally moving but don't have a last months payment on the mortgage. I'm sure they also won't have the funds for the moving truck, but I'm not going to ask questions to that effect.

How is this accomplished? Please advise 😇

TomTX

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5687 on: January 20, 2020, 12:39:37 PM »
How is this accomplished? Please advise 😇

Skipped going to the Christmas dramafest, don't go to my sister's at all.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5688 on: January 20, 2020, 08:09:40 PM »
How is this accomplished? Please advise 😇

Requests for help due to self-induced stupidity are declined and riposted with observations on how they could do something they don't want to do to make it better.

Calls about how awful "the other person is" are met with non-committal responses, somewhat more politely phrased than "Sucks to be you.", but with the same end result.   Bonus points for observing the behavior they are complaining about might be a rational response to their own misbegotten choices.

Lend no sympathetic ear.   Offer no assistance.   Point out their faults and failures if they annoy you enough.   In short, give them nothing they want and a fair bit of what they don't want so they are no longer motivated to include you in their douchebaggery.

ysette9

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5689 on: January 20, 2020, 09:14:32 PM »
This sounds a lot like how I deal with my 5 year-oldís drama. :)

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5690 on: January 20, 2020, 09:23:05 PM »
This sounds a lot like how I deal with my 5 year-oldís drama. :)
LOL, so true! "Well, why did you *think* would happen if you did <dumb thing like hitting your older sibling>?" is not that far from "Didn't you stop to consider that blowing $100 on a night out wouldn't make it harder to make it to next payday? "

Monerexia

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5691 on: January 21, 2020, 12:13:15 AM »
How is this accomplished? Please advise 😇

Requests for help due to self-induced stupidity are declined and riposted with observations on how they could do something they don't want to do to make it better.

Calls about how awful "the other person is" are met with non-committal responses, somewhat more politely phrased than "Sucks to be you.", but with the same end result.   Bonus points for observing the behavior they are complaining about might be a rational response to their own misbegotten choices.

Lend no sympathetic ear.   Offer no assistance.   Point out their faults and failures if they annoy you enough.   In short, give them nothing they want and a fair bit of what they don't want so they are no longer motivated to include you in their douchebaggery.

Perfect. Douchebaggery is right. Myself, I tried to help them in an emotionally effortful (unhelpful) way for well over a decade. Now, I say fuckem.

markbike528CBX

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5692 on: January 23, 2020, 03:31:59 PM »
Has any member here printed or copied this thread for the "benefit"  of the losers in their life?

Bonus points for:
 a) providing link to thread
 b) specifically circling/highlighting exact post about them or identical circumstances.

Fortunately, no one in my life has pissed me off enough to "make" me do this, although some are from the same cookie cutter as some in-thread examples.

accountingteacher

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5693 on: January 23, 2020, 04:52:00 PM »

They partied and went to every concert and never changed the oil in their cars. 


To be fair, going to every concert in Seattle in the 1990s would have been pretty awesome!

markbike528CBX

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5694 on: January 23, 2020, 06:22:09 PM »

They partied and went to every concert and never changed the oil in their cars. 

However, the UofW Hub ballroom shows were 4 bands 4 bucks (for students, $6 otherwise).  I was in graduate school at the time so my show-watching was limited by 60-70 hour weeks.

Sources:  google hub ballroom shows 1990 and images.

Feb 25 1989
The Fluid, Skin Yard, Girl Trouble, Nirvana  --- don't think I saw that one.
January 6 1990
Crunchbird, Gits, TAD, Nirvana -- I believe I saw this one, as they are (in)famous for destroying instruments, which I remember, but I wasn't  that impressed.  I vaguely remember TAD.

Edit, for quotes 
« Last Edit: January 23, 2020, 07:13:06 PM by markbike528CBX »

AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5695 on: January 27, 2020, 11:55:36 AM »
@ MissNancyPryor:

They might be lazy dumb fuck stoners but some of what you write comes off as blaming them for not foreseeing a real estate run up.  Owing a primary residence is often a financially good move but there are alternatives.  Putting them down for failing to plain is one thing; putting them down for not buying pre-run of real estate/bitcoin/AMZN is something else. 

I am currently selling a condo that I will loose ~30% on sale price with over 12 years; so maybe that is biasing my thoughts.  Home prices go down too.  Į\_(ツ)_/Į

DadJokes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5696 on: January 27, 2020, 12:26:22 PM »
On the phone with my 55 y.o. father yesterday:

Him: I got a new truck! Well, new-to-me truck. It's a 2015 Sierra
Me: I'm glad you went down the used route. What was wrong with your old vehicle?
Him: It started having some mechanical issues, so I decided to get a new one rather than deal with the hassle.
Me: ...
Him: We just paid off my wife's car in November, so all we did was trade a payment for a payment.
Me: O...kay? How long is the loan?
Him: 72 months. Our only debts now are the truck, the mortgage, and a home improvement loan (rolled into mortgage).
Me: I guess that's not too bad.
Him: Oh, and the 401(k) loan I took out to pay off the credit cards last year, but that's almost paid off.

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5697 on: January 27, 2020, 12:31:09 PM »
Dad, your dad has a lot of debt for a older person. We drive our cars until dead or not worth repairing.

Goldielocks

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5698 on: January 27, 2020, 12:57:29 PM »
On the phone with my 55 y.o. father yesterday:

Him: I got a new truck! Well, new-to-me truck. It's a 2015 Sierra
Me: I'm glad you went down the used route. What was wrong with your old vehicle?
Him: It started having some mechanical issues, so I decided to get a new one rather than deal with the hassle.
Me: ...
Him: We just paid off my wife's car in November, so all we did was trade a payment for a payment.
Me: O...kay? How long is the loan?
Him: 72 months. Our only debts now are the truck, the mortgage, and a home improvement loan (rolled into mortgage).
Me: I guess that's not too bad.
Him: Oh, and the 401(k) loan I took out to pay off the credit cards last year, but that's almost paid off.

The grumpy cat avatar works exceptionally well with this dialogue.

"...."  indeed!

Mormon Money Mustache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5699 on: February 07, 2020, 05:52:57 PM »
My FIL is a hardcore hoarder.  Just like you see on the tv shows.

My BIL visited last week from out of town and told me that his dad (my FIL) asked him to help my FIL develop a plan for retirement. My FIL is 60 years old.

My BIL sits with his dad (my FIL) to go over finances.  My FIL has $450k sitting in a savings account.  He just inherited this money last year so he hasn't spent it yet.  He also had a $100k annuity he just opened.  My FIL had no information on the annuity, not even the name of the financial institution he opened the annuity with.

FIL owns 6 white work vans.  He doesnt have a business or a reason to own these.  He simply fills them with junk and parks them around town.  Be pays over $1200 a month in car insurance.  He also owns 4 storage units all filled with junk.  He gives over $500 a month to his girlfriend.  He also spends thousands a month buying expensive tools and construction equipment for his hoard.  FIL makes approximately $30k a year.  He also had 10 credit cards, most of them maxed out.

BIL told his dad (my FIL) that any retirement plan needed to begin with the clearing and liquidation of the hoard.  FIL refuses and also refuses professional help.  At the rate he's going through his money, we believe he will spend all of his inheritance within 5 years.

Not sure how he plans to to retire.  Also don't know if FIL expects us to take care of him once he's broke.

WTF? 6 vans?

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!