Relatives who just don't get it

[MgoSam]

...
The identically-dressing women in those days were dressed the same as the bride. That hasn't been common for centuries. It's surprising because it seems incongruous now, but during the Middle Ages and the Renaissance (and sometimes even later) it wasn't unusual for members of the aristocracy and nobility to willingly take out the chamber pot for members of the royal family.

Service to a higher-ranking person or family was not considered shameful in the feudal system. Waiting directly on the monarch provided people an opportunity to set themselves or their relatives up for other opportunities to make money such as being given lands or monopolies. If nothing else, they got to lobby for what they wanted. Meanwhile they became friends of the ruler. So there was competition for the job, and positions in the royal household often went to people of rank or children of the wealthy. For special occasions, such as coronations or weddings, the boss would put on a big party and pay for everything including a new and special set of clothing. It was a form of conspicuous consumption. The people in the wedding party *were* generally the ones nearest and dearest to the ruler.

Naturally plenty of people wanted to copy the King or Queen, at least superficially.

Pushing the cost of the clothing onto the wedding attendants kind of defeats the point of conspicuous consumption, at least to people in the know.

Neal Stephenson's Baroque Cycle gets into this a bit.  Today we think in terms of an elevator pitch, getting face time with the CEO, working on your golf-and-talk game or having a visible project.  Same game different outfits.

Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George gets Steinbrenner's attention by bringing in a calzone to a lunch meeting. Suddenly he's having lunch with the boss who listens to his ideas.

[Sibley]

Well, to continue the stories of interesting family, may I present a branch of my family?

Background:
Uncle & Aunt have 2 boys, one factors in, we'll call him Cousin.
Cousin married Girl.
Uncle & Dad are brothers
Sister and Boyfriend (BF).
Everyone is white (extremely), except Girl is Chinese and BF is Indian. (this is relevant)

So, Uncle & aunt haven't been decent human beings to Dad, and by extension, me and Sister, at least until we got older and had the potential of adding babies to the family. As a result, we don't really have a relationship with Uncle & aunt, and don't particularly want one. We avoid them in general.

Cousin & wife invited Sister and BF to dinner. They went to dinner, and discovered that Uncle and Aunt were also there! This had not been mentioned ever. Dinner/evening went ok per Sister, slightly awkward, but 4 year old twins really help smooth everything out.

The next day, Uncle does a group text which does not include Sister and BF. In text is a group picture from the evening. Caption: "Guess who's coming to dinner"

Given general ages and history of this guy's behavior, it's pretty safe to assume he was referencing the movie. (Google "guess who's coming to dinner" if you haven't seen it) Ugh.

[zolotiyeruki]

Given general ages and history of this guy's behavior, it's pretty safe to assume he was referencing the movie. (Google "guess who's coming to dinner" if you haven't seen it) Ugh.

It's been a long time since I've seen that movie, but doesn't it end with the characters becoming more comfortable with people of another race?

[Sibley]

Given general ages and history of this guy's behavior, it's pretty safe to assume he was referencing the movie. (Google "guess who's coming to dinner" if you haven't seen it) Ugh.

It's been a long time since I've seen that movie, but doesn't it end with the characters becoming more comfortable with people of another race?

I believe the movie does, yes. That's not how this guy works though.

[Roe]

Given general ages and history of this guy's behavior, it's pretty safe to assume he was referencing the movie. (Google "guess who's coming to dinner" if you haven't seen it) Ugh.

It's been a long time since I've seen that movie, but doesn't it end with the characters becoming more comfortable with people of another race?

I believe the movie does, yes. That's not how this guy works though.

I know the type. If nothing else, not including sis and BF in the text is a dead give away.

[nnls]

I am also weird for doing strange things like paying for my bridesmaid's dresses and the rental tuxes (I chose them, so I pay for them, right?)  etc.

You are awesome for doing that! I wish brides did not expect so much from their bridesmaids.  This summer, my sister in law was married and is a lovely person BUT she kept pressuring me to pay for make-up/up-do. I wasn't even in the wedding party.

I feel like in Australia its common for Brides to pay for bridesmaid dresses.  That's the way all my friends have done it. And then if they wanted everyone in matching shoes/jewellery they paid for those as well. And hair and makeup also covered by bride.

So one friend said she didnt mind what shoes we wore and just wanted us with plain chain/earrings so we wore what we already had. The others paid for everything. You are being invited to be part of their wedding you shouldn't have extra expenses

Us bridesmaids did pay for the bachelorette party though

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

I am also weird for doing strange things like paying for my bridesmaid's dresses and the rental tuxes (I chose them, so I pay for them, right?)  etc.

You are awesome for doing that! I wish brides did not expect so much from their bridesmaids.  This summer, my sister in law was married and is a lovely person BUT she kept pressuring me to pay for make-up/up-do. I wasn't even in the wedding party.

I feel like in Australia its common for Brides to pay for bridesmaid dresses.  That's the way all my friends have done it. And then if they wanted everyone in matching shoes/jewellery they paid for those as well. And hair and makeup also covered by bride.

So one friend said she didnt mind what shoes we wore and just wanted us with plain chain/earrings so we wore what we already had. The others paid for everything. You are being invited to be part of their wedding you shouldn't have extra expenses

Us bridesmaids did pay for the bachelorette party though

That's generally how it's done in NZ also. It's becoming more common to just all wear black dresses with some accessory that's the wedding colour, and the bridesmaids just pick their own black dress style. They would probably already have something in their wardrobe. Cuts down the ridiculous costs a bit. I've seen it done really beautifully with hair pieces and flowers to add that colour. Makes the bride's dress stand out as well.

[Astatine]

I am also weird for doing strange things like paying for my bridesmaid's dresses and the rental tuxes (I chose them, so I pay for them, right?)  etc.

You are awesome for doing that! I wish brides did not expect so much from their bridesmaids.  This summer, my sister in law was married and is a lovely person BUT she kept pressuring me to pay for make-up/up-do. I wasn't even in the wedding party.

I feel like in Australia its common for Brides to pay for bridesmaid dresses.  That's the way all my friends have done it. And then if they wanted everyone in matching shoes/jewellery they paid for those as well. And hair and makeup also covered by bride.

So one friend said she didnt mind what shoes we wore and just wanted us with plain chain/earrings so we wore what we already had. The others paid for everything. You are being invited to be part of their wedding you shouldn't have extra expenses

Us bridesmaids did pay for the bachelorette party though

That's generally how it's done in NZ also. It's becoming more common to just all wear black dresses with some accessory that's the wedding colour, and the bridesmaids just pick their own black dress style. They would probably already have something in their wardrobe. Cuts down the ridiculous costs a bit. I've seen it done really beautifully with hair pieces and flowers to add that colour. Makes the bride's dress stand out as well.

Hmm, I've heard it both ways here. I got married in 2012 and my bridesmaids paid for their dresses and shoes. But... I just said, buy a black dress that is at least knee length, black shoes that you feel comfortable wearing and wear a bit of make-up (at least lipstick). So I figured either they would have at least some of that in their wardrobe, but if not, they could choose a cheapish black dress that they could more wear out of (eg wear it to work or out to dinner etc). It seemed to work well.

[nnls]

I am also weird for doing strange things like paying for my bridesmaid's dresses and the rental tuxes (I chose them, so I pay for them, right?)  etc.

You are awesome for doing that! I wish brides did not expect so much from their bridesmaids.  This summer, my sister in law was married and is a lovely person BUT she kept pressuring me to pay for make-up/up-do. I wasn't even in the wedding party.

I feel like in Australia its common for Brides to pay for bridesmaid dresses.  That's the way all my friends have done it. And then if they wanted everyone in matching shoes/jewellery they paid for those as well. And hair and makeup also covered by bride.

So one friend said she didnt mind what shoes we wore and just wanted us with plain chain/earrings so we wore what we already had. The others paid for everything. You are being invited to be part of their wedding you shouldn't have extra expenses

Us bridesmaids did pay for the bachelorette party though

That's generally how it's done in NZ also. It's becoming more common to just all wear black dresses with some accessory that's the wedding colour, and the bridesmaids just pick their own black dress style. They would probably already have something in their wardrobe. Cuts down the ridiculous costs a bit. I've seen it done really beautifully with hair pieces and flowers to add that colour. Makes the bride's dress stand out as well.

Hmm, I've heard it both ways here. I got married in 2012 and my bridesmaids paid for their dresses and shoes. But... I just said, buy a black dress that is at least knee length, black shoes that you feel comfortable wearing and wear a bit of make-up (at least lipstick). So I figured either they would have at least some of that in their wardrobe, but if not, they could choose a cheapish black dress that they could more wear out of (eg wear it to work or out to dinner etc). It seemed to work well.

Thats very reasonable.

I have a mate in the US who was bridesmaid, the bride chose dresses that were about $300 each and wanted the bridesmaids to pay for it, plus shoes hair and makeup. Which seemed a bit ridiculous to me

[penguintroopers]

I am also weird for doing strange things like paying for my bridesmaid's dresses and the rental tuxes (I chose them, so I pay for them, right?)  etc.

You are awesome for doing that! I wish brides did not expect so much from their bridesmaids.  This summer, my sister in law was married and is a lovely person BUT she kept pressuring me to pay for make-up/up-do. I wasn't even in the wedding party.

I feel like in Australia its common for Brides to pay for bridesmaid dresses.  That's the way all my friends have done it. And then if they wanted everyone in matching shoes/jewellery they paid for those as well. And hair and makeup also covered by bride.

So one friend said she didnt mind what shoes we wore and just wanted us with plain chain/earrings so we wore what we already had. The others paid for everything. You are being invited to be part of their wedding you shouldn't have extra expenses

Us bridesmaids did pay for the bachelorette party though

That's generally how it's done in NZ also. It's becoming more common to just all wear black dresses with some accessory that's the wedding colour, and the bridesmaids just pick their own black dress style. They would probably already have something in their wardrobe. Cuts down the ridiculous costs a bit. I've seen it done really beautifully with hair pieces and flowers to add that colour. Makes the bride's dress stand out as well.

Hmm, I've heard it both ways here. I got married in 2012 and my bridesmaids paid for their dresses and shoes. But... I just said, buy a black dress that is at least knee length, black shoes that you feel comfortable wearing and wear a bit of make-up (at least lipstick). So I figured either they would have at least some of that in their wardrobe, but if not, they could choose a cheapish black dress that they could more wear out of (eg wear it to work or out to dinner etc). It seemed to work well.

Thats very reasonable.

I have a mate in the US who was bridesmaid, the bride chose dresses that were about $300 each and wanted the bridesmaids to pay for it, plus shoes hair and makeup. Which seemed a bit ridiculous to me

I overheard at work that someone is a bridesmaid and dropping over $1000 between everything- dress, hair, travel, etc.

I think my maid of honor spent the most out of my wedding party, at like $200 total, because she bought my dinner at my bachelorette party.

[TomTX]

That's generally how it's done in NZ also. It's becoming more common to just all wear black dresses with some accessory that's the wedding colour, and the bridesmaids just pick their own black dress style. They would probably already have something in their wardrobe. Cuts down the ridiculous costs a bit. I've seen it done really beautifully with hair pieces and flowers to add that colour. Makes the bride's dress stand out as well.

My own wedding was more than 2 decades ago, and the bridesmaids were just requested to wear hunter green dresses in a style they felt was flattering to them (they had dramatically different body types) - in the USA, though this seems to be unusual.

[Zoot]

My own wedding was more than 2 decades ago, and the bridesmaids were just requested to wear hunter green dresses in a style they felt was flattering to them (they had dramatically different body types) - in the USA, though this seems to be unusual.

I did something similar at my wedding a few years ago--I just had one bridesmaid (my matron of honor) and told her to just wear a dress of her choice that was one or both of the two "wedding colors."  I would likely have done the same thing if I'd chosen to have multiple female attendants.  :)

[economista]

I got married last month in the US and I initially asked my bridesmaids to just pick out whatever navy blue, knee length dresses they wanted (hopefully they would each already have one, or they could buy really cheap ones) and they could wear whatever shoes, jewelry, etc they wanted.  I was trying to be easy, but everyone seemed to have a problem with it.  Our moms, my DH's sister, the bridesmaids themselves, everyone made a big deal out of how I was pushing the work of choosing things onto them, and how are they supposed to know what I want, and the pictures will be ruined if one of them chooses something bad.  Ugh.  Eventually I found azazie.com that sells cheap bridesmaid dresses and I picked the fabric and length, then told them each to pick whatever dress style they wanted.  The dresses ranged from $89-$120, which were MUCH cheaper than the $300 dress I had to buy when I was a bridesmaid.  (This also seemed like a good compromise because they would all "match" but they could pick out whatever dress style looked the best for their body shape.  When I was a bridesmaid the bride picked a style that looked the best on the other bridesmaids who were all overweight and busty - I looked terrible in it because it didn't flatter me at all.)  Everyone seemed much happier with that 2nd option.  We also didn't do the whole "professional" hair and makeup thing - we just put on our own makeup and did our hair together before the ceremony. 

My bridesmaids did pay for their own attire, but the bridesmaid gifts I gave them cost essentially the same as their dresses*, and they wore shoes they already had. 

My sister is the exception, because of bad planning.  I told her multiple times that the dress company takes 9-12 weeks to make the dress after you order it.  She did not listen and decided to finally order her dress like, 4 weeks before the wedding so the $90 dress ended up costing $300 with rush-order pricing.  The dress arrived a few days before the wedding and she and my mom didn't tell me they were worried it wouldn't come in time until after it arrived.

[Playing with Fire UK]

I was trying to be easy, but everyone seemed to have a problem with it.  Our moms, my DH's sister, the bridesmaids themselves, everyone made a big deal out of how I was pushing the work of choosing things onto them, and how are they supposed to know what I want, and the pictures will be ruined if one of them chooses something bad.  Ugh. 

Sympathy with this. I stopped asking for help with anything because it was too much work managing people who had been indoctrinated in this *perfect wedding* bullshit.

I asked someone if they could please bring or make a back up cake in case my SIL had another meltdown about making the cake [requirements: one tier, less than 12 inches diameter, cake, I DGAF about anything else, I don't eat cake, you asked to make a cake so make a fucking cake]. I was then asked 20 different cake related questions about the back-up cake that no-one needed to eat (it was just going to sit on top of the stack of cupcakes and be cut - there is a cute family tradition about cutting a cake). It was exhausting. And everytime I said I DGAF, I'd get puppy dog eyes about special days and "just want it to be perfect".

Morning of the wedding, I ask someone to please move two chairs from one room to another. Cue an intervention about how to disguise the fact that these chairs were slightly different to the other chairs, calls to some chair rental company for more similar looking chairs and a man-hunt around the facility for other more suitable chairs. All done in worried hushed whispers, because people didn't know what type of chair I wanted. [The clue, of course, was that I wanted exactly what I'd asked for, which was for someone without terrible back pain to pick up the two chairs I was pointing to and move them into the next room].

I blame every Disney movie ever. And wedding planners. /rant

[economista]

Sympathy with this. I stopped asking for help with anything because it was too much work managing people who had been indoctrinated in this *perfect wedding* bullshit.

Exactly!  I did quite a few diy things for my wedding (I hand made all of the flowers out of pages from Harry Potter!), but I did them all by myself because my family and bridesmaids all live across the country from me.  I was driving in a few days before the wedding, but I wanted to have all of that stuff done ahead of time and packed up.  They all felt like they should be helping more, but I know that if I asked them to help it would have just turned into a million questions I would have to answer and it would just be easier to do it on my own.  I only asked my MOH to do 1 thing for the wedding - plan the bachelorette party for after the rehearsal dinner.  And she didn't!  I told her I wanted to go bowling, and she told me she would handle it.  Then we were at the rehearsal dinner and my mom asked where we were going so I asked MOH and she looked like a deer in the headlights - she hadn't planned anything so we just didn't do one.   

[BJacks]

I overheard at work that someone is a bridesmaid and dropping over $1000 between everything- dress, hair, travel, etc.

I think my maid of honor spent the most out of my wedding party, at like $200 total, because she bought my dinner at my bachelorette party.

I have a coworker who is currently in Hawaii for a friends wedding where she is a bridesmaid. She took out a 401k loan to be able to attend. Eyelash extensions, hair, dress, travel, hotel (wedding is a three day weekend thing), and who knows what else. Her facebook feed has been full of shaved ice and guava pancakes. I will be amazed if she spent less than five grand. It's crazy.

[economista]

I overheard at work that someone is a bridesmaid and dropping over $1000 between everything- dress, hair, travel, etc.

I think my maid of honor spent the most out of my wedding party, at like $200 total, because she bought my dinner at my bachelorette party.

I have a coworker who is currently in Hawaii for a friends wedding where she is a bridesmaid. She took out a 401k loan to be able to attend. Eyelash extensions, hair, dress, travel, hotel (wedding is a three day weekend thing), and who knows what else. Her facebook feed has been full of shaved ice and guava pancakes. I will be amazed if she spent less than five grand. It's crazy.

I feel like this is another cultural/middle class American thing.  I have a lot of friends who have gone to weddings like this (including "bachelor/bachelorette parties" that were a weekend vacation requiring everyone to fly to a destination..wtf?!)  My DH and I both come from low-income families where no one would ever dream about doing that.  He and I live across the country from our families and when we were starting to plan our wedding I really wanted to get married in the state we live in and both of our families made it very clear that if we did that our parents would be the only ones attending...not even our siblings would be able to pay to travel for our wedding (and I would have to pay for my mom).  So instead we had the expense and hassle of traveling and planning a wedding across the country from where we lived, but none of our families had to travel.  If I had suggested something like Hawaii, they would have laughed at us and said "have fun eloping."

[Just Joe]

We tried to go simple as in no gifts, bring a covered dish and we had access to an antique building with no electricity (conveniently located but Walton TV show like church) but everyone else had expectations and it turned into every wedding you ever went to. Oh well.

We have nothing really to complain about. Neither DW nor I had great expectations or aspirations or money. I still wish it had been a simpler thing.

DW was beautiful and we appreciate everything that was done for us all the same.

As time passed we were able to reign in the family's influence over our decisions a little i.e. we learned to put our foot down better.

Next time DW and I get married it'll be different!

[paddedhat]

We tried to go simple as in no gifts, bring a covered dish and we had access to an antique building with no electricity (conveniently located but Walton TV show like church)

We actually pulled this off. For a few reasons there was zero interference from any family. We got married in a sweet little church that was very low key. A few rented tuxes, a gown from JC Penney, cheap brides maid dresses, and no crazy expensive parties or diners beforehand. We then invited everybody to a picnic after the church, lots of catered trays of food, and dogs and burgers, kegs of beer, coolers of soda, etc..... We thought it was a great day, and decades later, occasionally a friend, or family member, will look at one of us and say, " Ya' know, I think your wedding was the best one I ever went to"

[zolotiyeruki]

We tried to go simple as in no gifts, bring a covered dish and we had access to an antique building with no electricity (conveniently located but Walton TV show like church)

We actually pulled this off. For a few reasons there was zero interference from any family. We got married in a sweet little church that was very low key. A few rented tuxes, a gown from JC Penney, cheap brides maid dresses, and no crazy expensive parties or diners beforehand. We then invited everybody to a picnic after the church, lots of catered trays of food, and dogs and burgers, kegs of beer, coolers of soda, etc..... We thought it was a great day, and decades later, occasionally a friend, or family member, will look at one of us and say, " Ya' know, I think your wedding was the best one I ever went to"

To be honest, I've had enough catered food to know that sometimes, good ol' normal food in a relaxed atmosphere with good company is a lot more enjoyable.  We had our wedding luncheon at Golden Corral!  We wanted to make sure that the many nieces and nephews had something they'd enjoy.

[saguaro]

I blame every Disney movie ever. And wedding planners. /rant

This makes me glad I got married before there weren't as much Disney princess movies out there compared to now.  Because seriously I agree, the "Disney Princess Effect" (my own words) is a real thing when it comes to weddings.

And I never heard of wedding planners back when I got married.  Maybe it happened in some circles, but the wedding planners were typically the bride and her mother. 

[gooki]

Morning of the wedding, I ask someone to please move two chairs from one room to another. Cue an intervention about how to disguise the fact that these chairs were slightly different to the other chairs, calls to some chair rental company for more similar looking chairs and a man-hunt around the facility for other more suitable chairs. All done in worried hushed whispers, because people didn't know what type of chair I wanted. [The clue, of course, was that I wanted exactly what I'd asked for, which was for someone without terrible back pain to pick up the two chairs I was pointing to and move them into the next room].

I blame every Disney movie ever. And wedding planners. /rant

The chair rant is brilliant.

[Playing with Fire UK]

The chair rant is brilliant.

Thank you.

[paddedhat]

We tried to go simple as in no gifts, bring a covered dish and we had access to an antique building with no electricity (conveniently located but Walton TV show like church)

We actually pulled this off. For a few reasons there was zero interference from any family. We got married in a sweet little church that was very low key. A few rented tuxes, a gown from JC Penney, cheap brides maid dresses, and no crazy expensive parties or diners beforehand. We then invited everybody to a picnic after the church, lots of catered trays of food, and dogs and burgers, kegs of beer, coolers of soda, etc..... We thought it was a great day, and decades later, occasionally a friend, or family member, will look at one of us and say, " Ya' know, I think your wedding was the best one I ever went to"

To be honest, I've had enough catered food to know that sometimes, good ol' normal food in a relaxed atmosphere with good company is a lot more enjoyable.  We had our wedding luncheon at Golden Corral!  We wanted to make sure that the many nieces and nephews had something they'd enjoy.

In my case catered is probably the wrong word. We had a supplier make big trays of salads, side dishes, and a sheet cake, nothing to do with typical wedding grub. Cost a couple of hundred bucks, and eliminated the burden of doing it ourselves, or relying on relatives. Golden Corral is an interesting move. I haven't been to one, but they put a new very big one in our area, and it's absolutely the most successful place in a high traffic multi-mile stretch of restaurant options. The parking lot is typically overflowing by 5PM.

[Pooperman]

We tried to go simple as in no gifts, bring a covered dish and we had access to an antique building with no electricity (conveniently located but Walton TV show like church)

We actually pulled this off. For a few reasons there was zero interference from any family. We got married in a sweet little church that was very low key. A few rented tuxes, a gown from JC Penney, cheap brides maid dresses, and no crazy expensive parties or diners beforehand. We then invited everybody to a picnic after the church, lots of catered trays of food, and dogs and burgers, kegs of beer, coolers of soda, etc..... We thought it was a great day, and decades later, occasionally a friend, or family member, will look at one of us and say, " Ya' know, I think your wedding was the best one I ever went to"

To be honest, I've had enough catered food to know that sometimes, good ol' normal food in a relaxed atmosphere with good company is a lot more enjoyable.  We had our wedding luncheon at Golden Corral!  We wanted to make sure that the many nieces and nephews had something they'd enjoy.

In my case catered is probably the wrong word. We had a supplier make big trays of salads, side dishes, and a sheet cake, nothing to do with typical wedding grub. Cost a couple of hundred bucks, and eliminated the burden of doing it ourselves, or relying on relatives. Golden Corral is an interesting move. I haven't been to one, but they put a new very big one in our area, and it's absolutely the most successful place in a high traffic multi-mile stretch of restaurant options. The parking lot is typically overflowing by 5PM.

If we'd gotten married here instead of in NY, we'd have done something in a park with BBQ from a local chain as out 'catering'. That stuff is amazing!

[MgoSam]

We tried to go simple as in no gifts, bring a covered dish and we had access to an antique building with no electricity (conveniently located but Walton TV show like church)

We actually pulled this off. For a few reasons there was zero interference from any family. We got married in a sweet little church that was very low key. A few rented tuxes, a gown from JC Penney, cheap brides maid dresses, and no crazy expensive parties or diners beforehand. We then invited everybody to a picnic after the church, lots of catered trays of food, and dogs and burgers, kegs of beer, coolers of soda, etc..... We thought it was a great day, and decades later, occasionally a friend, or family member, will look at one of us and say, " Ya' know, I think your wedding was the best one I ever went to"

To be honest, I've had enough catered food to know that sometimes, good ol' normal food in a relaxed atmosphere with good company is a lot more enjoyable.  We had our wedding luncheon at Golden Corral!  We wanted to make sure that the many nieces and nephews had something they'd enjoy.

In my case catered is probably the wrong word. We had a supplier make big trays of salads, side dishes, and a sheet cake, nothing to do with typical wedding grub. Cost a couple of hundred bucks, and eliminated the burden of doing it ourselves, or relying on relatives. Golden Corral is an interesting move. I haven't been to one, but they put a new very big one in our area, and it's absolutely the most successful place in a high traffic multi-mile stretch of restaurant options. The parking lot is typically overflowing by 5PM.

I love this idea. If I ever get married I would love to send out family members to get trays of various foods for a "family reunion." That way we can get a little of everything and still be cheaper than buying food for a 'wedding.'

[mm1970]

I got married last month in the US and I initially asked my bridesmaids to just pick out whatever navy blue, knee length dresses they wanted (hopefully they would each already have one, or they could buy really cheap ones) and they could wear whatever shoes, jewelry, etc they wanted.  I was trying to be easy, but everyone seemed to have a problem with it.  Our moms, my DH's sister, the bridesmaids themselves, everyone made a big deal out of how I was pushing the work of choosing things onto them, and how are they supposed to know what I want, and the pictures will be ruined if one of them chooses something bad.  Ugh.  Eventually I found azazie.com that sells cheap bridesmaid dresses and I picked the fabric and length, then told them each to pick whatever dress style they wanted.  The dresses ranged from $89-$120, which were MUCH cheaper than the $300 dress I had to buy when I was a bridesmaid.  (This also seemed like a good compromise because they would all "match" but they could pick out whatever dress style looked the best for their body shape.  When I was a bridesmaid the bride picked a style that looked the best on the other bridesmaids who were all overweight and busty - I looked terrible in it because it didn't flatter me at all.)  Everyone seemed much happier with that 2nd option.  We also didn't do the whole "professional" hair and makeup thing - we just put on our own makeup and did our hair together before the ceremony. 

My bridesmaids did pay for their own attire, but the bridesmaid gifts I gave them cost essentially the same as their dresses*, and they wore shoes they already had. 

My sister is the exception, because of bad planning.  I told her multiple times that the dress company takes 9-12 weeks to make the dress after you order it.  She did not listen and decided to finally order her dress like, 4 weeks before the wedding so the $90 dress ended up costing $300 with rush-order pricing.  The dress arrived a few days before the wedding and she and my mom didn't tell me they were worried it wouldn't come in time until after it arrived.

This sounds a bit familiar.

I had 4 bridesmaids, and I wanted it to be cheap and easy.  So I took the 2 local ones (not my sister or SIL) with me to a fabric store.  We/they chose a very simple knee-length tank dress with jacket.  I bought all of the Navy Blue fabric, the zippers, the thread for the dress.  It was up to the bridesmaids to have them made, but they all assured me that could be done.  (My friend S's mom sews, made her wedding dress 2 years later.  My aunt made my sister's.  My MIL made my SIL's.  The only unknown was P.)

It all worked out EXCEPT for P (who got married a month after we did) - her mother could have made the dress, but P told me later (at her wedding) that she was pretty sure her mom would procrastinate.  So P hired a seamstress.  And paid $200.  I felt so bad!  I could have made her dress for her!  I wondered why I got so many questions - how long should the dress be, where should the sleeve fall, etc.  I said "whatever is more comfortable for you".  So all dresses were a bit different - my sister had a front slit, my friend S had her mom make a different jacket, my SIL had a back slit.  I didn't care that they weren't the same.

Well, at least P got use out of it.  She made her sister wear it for her wedding.  The only thing that pissed off the sister is that P was supposed to be the "fat" sister (I guess she was overweight in HS?  Never was when I knew her.)  Dress fit both of them the same.

[Just Joe]

We tried to go simple as in no gifts, bring a covered dish and we had access to an antique building with no electricity (conveniently located but Walton TV show like church)

We actually pulled this off. For a few reasons there was zero interference from any family. We got married in a sweet little church that was very low key. A few rented tuxes, a gown from JC Penney, cheap brides maid dresses, and no crazy expensive parties or diners beforehand. We then invited everybody to a picnic after the church, lots of catered trays of food, and dogs and burgers, kegs of beer, coolers of soda, etc..... We thought it was a great day, and decades later, occasionally a friend, or family member, will look at one of us and say, " Ya' know, I think your wedding was the best one I ever went to"

I'm so envious!

We were somewhat successful at keeping costs down I think.

DW's dress was a couple hundred I think. Us guys rented tux's of course. The bridesmaids were wearing affordable dresses too I think. The modern church we ended up using was had for a small donation.

I would have been much more relaxed with a cooler of drinks/covered dish affair with music.

Our elders had certain expectations though. Must put on a nice event for the peers of our elders.

Us "youngins" didn't know what we were doing dontcha know. HAHAHA

[JordanOfGilead]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

[Just Joe]

Hey, we're still talking about relatives and their expensive expectations... They still don't get "it" even with weddings...

[jinga nation]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

Yup. Go Orange or go home.

[mustachepungoeshere]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

Thank christ for that.

[Pooperman]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

Mine was themed well enough. It was fall themed--the centerpieces were about fall (pictures in my journal somewhere), the ties of the groom (me) and the best man were the same (orange) with a black suit. The cake was fall themed as well. That was the extent of the theming. The centerpieces were made by me so it's not like they cost a ton (about $250 for 15 tables if I remember right). We bought the ties and gave them to the people who needed them.

[FiguringItOut]

My own wedding was more than 2 decades ago, and the bridesmaids were just requested to wear hunter green dresses in a style they felt was flattering to them (they had dramatically different body types) - in the USA, though this seems to be unusual.

I did the exact same thing almost 18 years ago.  And also in hunter green.
Actually, I told my bridemaids to just wear green dresses.  I didn't see any of these dresses, except my sister who was maid of honor, until the wedding day.  They all ended up in exactly the same shade of hunter green but different styles.  However, the color pulled it all together so well, that many guests didn't even realize that these were different dresses.

[mustachepungoeshere]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

Mine was themed well enough. It was fall themed--the centerpieces were about fall (pictures in my journal somewhere), the ties of the groom (me) and the best man were the same (orange) with a black suit. The cake was fall themed as well. That was the extent of the theming. The centerpieces were made by me so it's not like they cost a ton (about $250 for 15 tables if I remember right). We bought the ties and gave them to the people who needed them.

Woosh...

[Dollar Slice]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

Mine was themed well enough. It was fall themed--the centerpieces were about fall (pictures in my journal somewhere), the ties of the groom (me) and the best man were the same (orange) with a black suit. The cake was fall themed as well. That was the extent of the theming. The centerpieces were made by me so it's not like they cost a ton (about $250 for 15 tables if I remember right). We bought the ties and gave them to the people who needed them.

Woosh...

Is that the sound it makes when people run headlong through a thread full of foam? ;-)

[Pooperman]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

Mine was themed well enough. It was fall themed--the centerpieces were about fall (pictures in my journal somewhere), the ties of the groom (me) and the best man were the same (orange) with a black suit. The cake was fall themed as well. That was the extent of the theming. The centerpieces were made by me so it's not like they cost a ton (about $250 for 15 tables if I remember right). We bought the ties and gave them to the people who needed them.

Woosh...

Is that the sound it makes when people run headlong through a thread full of foam? ;-)

Orange is the new black box. Might need to recover it to see the crash data.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

Mine was themed well enough. It was fall themed--the centerpieces were about fall (pictures in my journal somewhere), the ties of the groom (me) and the best man were the same (orange) with a black suit. The cake was fall themed as well. That was the extent of the theming. The centerpieces were made by me so it's not like they cost a ton (about $250 for 15 tables if I remember right). We bought the ties and gave them to the people who needed them.

Woosh...

Is that the sound it makes when people run headlong through a thread full of foam? ;-)

Orange is the new black box. Might need to recover it to see the crash data.

Personally, still finding the wedding relatives who don't get it a tad more interesting than the ever so clever posts about foam.

[JordanOfGilead]

Anybody here have a themed wedding? I hear that FOAM is a really popular theme lately....

Mine was themed well enough. It was fall themed--the centerpieces were about fall (pictures in my journal somewhere), the ties of the groom (me) and the best man were the same (orange) with a black suit. The cake was fall themed as well. That was the extent of the theming. The centerpieces were made by me so it's not like they cost a ton (about $250 for 15 tables if I remember right). We bought the ties and gave them to the people who needed them.

Woosh...

Is that the sound it makes when people run headlong through a thread full of foam? ;-)

Orange is the new black box. Might need to recover it to see the crash data.

Personally, still finding the wedding relatives who don't get it a tad more interesting than the ever so clever posts about foam.

All my fiancee talks about is wedding planning. I don't come here to read about it too.

Sent from my S60 using Tapatalk

[TexasStash]

I have generally pretty smart relatives when it comes to finances, so my only complaint is when some of them keep six figure savings in a crappy old traditional savings account making 0.05% interest. Especially while still bringing in high six figure income. Seems like such a waste to keep so much in cash and miss out on this latest market run.


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[paddedhat]

I have generally pretty smart relatives when it comes to finances, so my only complaint is when some of them keep six figure savings in a crappy old traditional savings account making 0.05% interest. Especially while still bringing in high six figure income. Seems like such a waste to keep so much in cash and miss out on this latest market run.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Departed FIL owned a medium sized manufacturer of toys. Back when you could actually employ a few dozen Americans to build toys, in a big brick building, in a northeastern city. As he was becoming quite elderly, he took a luxury domestic barge of a car, and traded it in at the Buick dealer. The dealer screwed him severely, and ended up with about $12-15K more than they deserved. My BIL stepped in, and tried to mediate some of his affairs. He found out that the old guy's remaining assets, about 1/3rd of a million, had been sitting in a saving account earning essentially nothing. The FIL was stunned that anybody would suggest anything more risky than that, leading us to believe that he had probably done so for his entire life. He married into the family, late in life, so it's hard to imagine the life he could of led, and how many millions he could of left to his biological children, if he just asked one of the boys at the golf club, or some manager he found through his church, to manage his money?

[Shinplaster]

I have generally pretty smart relatives when it comes to finances, so my only complaint is when some of them keep six figure savings in a crappy old traditional savings account making 0.05% interest. Especially while still bringing in high six figure income. Seems like such a waste to keep so much in cash and miss out on this latest market run.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Departed FIL owned a medium sized manufacturer of toys. Back when you could actually employ a few dozen Americans to build toys, in a big brick building, in a northeastern city. As he was becoming quite elderly, he took a luxury domestic barge of a car, and traded it in at the Buick dealer. The dealer screwed him severely, and ended up with about $12-15K more than they deserved. My BIL stepped in, and tried to mediate some of his affairs. He found out that the old guy's remaining assets, about 1/3rd of a million, had been sitting in a saving account earning essentially nothing. The FIL was stunned that anybody would suggest anything more risky than that, leading us to believe that he had probably done so for his entire life. He married into the family, late in life, so it's hard to imagine the life he could of led, and how many millions he could of left to his biological children, if he just asked one of the boys at the golf club, or some manager he found through his church, to manage his money?

In his defense, it sounds like he may have been old enough to be a child of the depression.  Watching the struggles their parents had, and seeing families lose everything in the market may have scared him off from ever putting money there.  It did my parents - my paternal grandparents went from moderately wealthy to pretty low middle class by the early 30's.  My parents at least had the sense to search out safe investments that gave a better return than savings accounts, but my Dad would never trust the market with their money.

[Hula Hoop]

I have generally pretty smart relatives when it comes to finances, so my only complaint is when some of them keep six figure savings in a crappy old traditional savings account making 0.05% interest. Especially while still bringing in high six figure income. Seems like such a waste to keep so much in cash and miss out on this latest market run.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Departed FIL owned a medium sized manufacturer of toys. Back when you could actually employ a few dozen Americans to build toys, in a big brick building, in a northeastern city. As he was becoming quite elderly, he took a luxury domestic barge of a car, and traded it in at the Buick dealer. The dealer screwed him severely, and ended up with about $12-15K more than they deserved. My BIL stepped in, and tried to mediate some of his affairs. He found out that the old guy's remaining assets, about 1/3rd of a million, had been sitting in a saving account earning essentially nothing. The FIL was stunned that anybody would suggest anything more risky than that, leading us to believe that he had probably done so for his entire life. He married into the family, late in life, so it's hard to imagine the life he could of led, and how many millions he could of left to his biological children, if he just asked one of the boys at the golf club, or some manager he found through his church, to manage his money?

In his defense, it sounds like he may have been old enough to be a child of the depression.  Watching the struggles their parents had, and seeing families lose everything in the market may have scared him off from ever putting money there.  It did my parents - my paternal grandparents went from moderately wealthy to pretty low middle class by the early 30's.  My parents at least had the sense to search out safe investments that gave a better return than savings accounts, but my Dad would never trust the market with their money.

My dad was born during the depression and watched his father's small business falter in the 1950s and my grandparents end up penniless.  He had his savings in a savings account but, luckily, his pension plan (teacher's pension plan) came with a dedicated financial advisor who seems pretty straight shooting and apparently isn't trying to sell my dad anything.  Since my dad trusted this guy, he put his savings into stocks and bonds and has done quite well over the last few years.  Too bad that didn't happen with your FIL.

[paddedhat]

You are correct, as near as I can tell he was born at the start of the great depression, either '29 or '30, and raised in a euro-ethnic, inner city neighborhood. The city was a steel company town, run by brutal management that considered workers to be disposable. So, nationally and at home, a lot of instability.  I can certainly understand and sympathize with his story. I have run into others like this, including the last occupants of our first fixer-upper house we moved into. They lived in a 600 sq. ft. cottage and huddled around a wood stove since they didn't want to waste money on the electric heat. They were in their eighties, and held seven figures worth of electric utility stocks.

[Gronnie]

You are correct, as near as I can tell he was born at the start of the great depression, either '29 or '30, and raised in a euro-ethnic, inner city neighborhood. The city was a steel company town, run by brutal management that considered workers to be disposable. So, nationally and at home, a lot of instability.  I can certainly understand and sympathize with his story. I have run into others like this, including the last occupants of our first fixer-upper house we moved into. They lived in a 600 sq. ft. cottage and huddled around a wood stove since they didn't want to waste money on the electric heat. They were in their eighties, and held seven figures worth of electric utility stocks.

So basically if they lost "everything" they would be leading the exact same life? Logic not even once.

[Hula Hoop]

You are correct, as near as I can tell he was born at the start of the great depression, either '29 or '30, and raised in a euro-ethnic, inner city neighborhood. The city was a steel company town, run by brutal management that considered workers to be disposable. So, nationally and at home, a lot of instability.  I can certainly understand and sympathize with his story. I have run into others like this, including the last occupants of our first fixer-upper house we moved into. They lived in a 600 sq. ft. cottage and huddled around a wood stove since they didn't want to waste money on the electric heat. They were in their eighties, and held seven figures worth of electric utility stocks.

So basically if they lost "everything" they would be leading the exact same life? Logic not even once.

Isn't that the whole point of MMM though?  We live like people in a much lower income bracket in order to achieve FIRE.  For most of us, even if we lost our life savings, we'd just keep living the same way we've always lived - bike or walk everywhere, eat inexpensively at home, keep the heat turned down, buying second hand etc.

[Cassie]

It is sad to be living that way at 80 when you can afford to live better.  Someone else will spend the $ if they don't.

[paddedhat]

You are correct, as near as I can tell he was born at the start of the great depression, either '29 or '30, and raised in a euro-ethnic, inner city neighborhood. The city was a steel company town, run by brutal management that considered workers to be disposable. So, nationally and at home, a lot of instability.  I can certainly understand and sympathize with his story. I have run into others like this, including the last occupants of our first fixer-upper house we moved into. They lived in a 600 sq. ft. cottage and huddled around a wood stove since they didn't want to waste money on the electric heat. They were in their eighties, and held seven figures worth of electric utility stocks.

So basically if they lost "everything" they would be leading the exact same life? Logic not even once.

Isn't that the whole point of MMM though?  We live like people in a much lower income bracket in order to achieve FIRE.  For most of us, even if we lost our life savings, we'd just keep living the same way we've always lived - bike or walk everywhere, eat inexpensively at home, keep the heat turned down, buying second hand etc.

There is a huge gap between living the depression mentality and your idyllic description. When you're wearing rags, huddled around a wood stove to keep warm, and are not eating well since "food is too expensive" AND you have a multi-million dollar net worth, you are not thinking rationally, much less living a virtuous MMM lifestyle. I'm sure there are plenty of folks out there currently struggling much like a some of the older relatives, friends, and associates of mine, who went through some pretty rough shit growing up. People who didn't eat if they couldn't grow it, catch it in a stream, or shoot it. Family of mine that lived in coal mine company towns and walked the railroad tracks with a bucket, searching for coal that fell of the trains.  They were early elementary school aged at the time and it wasn't a game, it was their chore, and it kept the house warm in the dead of winter. I'm in my mid-fifties, my parents were born in the mid-1940s, their parents were from the teens and twenties. One of my grandfathers was abandoned at an orphanage, along with three brothers, since their parents wanted a better life for them. Another grandfather was five years old when his very wealthy father dealt with the great stock market crash by swallowing a bullet. Some of these folks were extremely successful and well adjusted, until the day they died. Others were a bit "off", and some never got over the trauma and suffered from the time they were children, until they died 70-80 years later.

Stories like this are important when viewed in the context of our current political mess, and the way the rural white underclass seems to have suddenly erupted in rage. Don't forget that many older folks in this demographic are one generation away from those that fought their way out of some really brutal conditions in this country. They know what it's like to have very little, and struggle to scratch an existence out of almost nothing. They saw their families fight their way to a decent middle class lifestyle and watch it go away, like the tide going out. They may of rallied behind a con-man and will eventually get screwed by the guy, but they aren't going to suddenly go away, or give up. They find little romance is biking to work, living below their means, or minimalist philosophical musings. They want the American dream that, in their minds, somebody robbed them of.

[NorCal]

You are correct, as near as I can tell he was born at the start of the great depression, either '29 or '30, and raised in a euro-ethnic, inner city neighborhood. The city was a steel company town, run by brutal management that considered workers to be disposable. So, nationally and at home, a lot of instability.  I can certainly understand and sympathize with his story. I have run into others like this, including the last occupants of our first fixer-upper house we moved into. They lived in a 600 sq. ft. cottage and huddled around a wood stove since they didn't want to waste money on the electric heat. They were in their eighties, and held seven figures worth of electric utility stocks.

So basically if they lost "everything" they would be leading the exact same life? Logic not even once.

Isn't that the whole point of MMM though?  We live like people in a much lower income bracket in order to achieve FIRE.  For most of us, even if we lost our life savings, we'd just keep living the same way we've always lived - bike or walk everywhere, eat inexpensively at home, keep the heat turned down, buying second hand etc.

There is a huge gap between living the depression mentality and your idyllic description. When you're wearing rags, huddled around a wood stove to keep warm, and are not eating well since "food is too expensive" AND you have a multi-million dollar net worth, you are not thinking rationally, much less living a virtuous MMM lifestyle. I'm sure there are plenty of folks out there currently struggling much like a some of the older relatives, friends, and associates of mine, who went through some pretty rough shit growing up. People who didn't eat if they couldn't grow it, catch it in a stream, or shoot it. Family of mine that lived in coal mine company towns and walked the railroad tracks with a bucket, searching for coal that fell of the trains.  They were early elementary school aged at the time and it wasn't a game, it was their chore, and it kept the house warm in the dead of winter. I'm in my mid-fifties, my parents were born in the mid-1940s, their parents were from the teens and twenties. One of my grandfathers was abandoned at an orphanage, along with three brothers, since their parents wanted a better life for them. Another grandfather was five years old when his very wealthy father dealt with the great stock market crash by swallowing a bullet. Some of these folks were extremely successful and well adjusted, until the day they died. Others were a bit "off", and some never got over the trauma and suffered from the time they were children, until they died 70-80 years later.

Stories like this are important when viewed in the context of our current political mess, and the way the rural white underclass seems to have suddenly erupted in rage. Don't forget that many older folks in this demographic are one generation away from those that fought their way out of some really brutal conditions in this country. They know what it's like to have very little, and struggle to scratch an existence out of almost nothing. They saw their families fight their way to a decent middle class lifestyle and watch it go away, like the tide going out. They may of rallied behind a con-man and will eventually get screwed by the guy, but they aren't going to suddenly go away, or give up. They find little romance is biking to work, living below their means, or minimalist philosophical musings. They want the American dream that, in their minds, somebody robbed them of.

Good point.  I know the stories of what my grandparents when through in the Great Depression and WWII.  I have nothing but respect for that generation, and no judgements of the lifelong habits that came out of it.

[faithless]

Yep, my parents are retired and pretty well off, Dad having 3 decent pensions from the coal and steel industries, and having lived very frugally most of their lives. Whilst they've loosened the purse strings and eat out, and go on some expensive holiday tours, old habits die hard.

They were both born in the late 40s in the aftermath of WW2 in the UK and grew up poor. They both can't throw away anything that could still be useful. They don't hoarding actual junk like old newspapers, but when mum chucked out a ~15 year old tracksuit that she'd worn initially around the house, then the garden when it got too scruffy for the house, Dad rescued it from the bin for him to wear around the garden.

I can't stop Mum ripping out scraps of paper and leaving them by the phone, for notes. It's next to the front door so one of the first things you see when you walk in the house. I bought her a cute notepad specifically for that, she keeps it under the pile of scraps.