Relatives who just don't get it

[Kimera757]

I visited an aunt today (really an older distant relative) and she told me about her son, who is a few years older than me and used to be close friends with me before he moved far away. We haven't really spoken in years though.

A few years ago he got married and now has two kids. He went into the TV/film industry, paying large union fees to do so (kind of like going to university again). Afterward he started getting decent roles. (He's not famous enough that anyone here would know who he is, he's just getting steady paid work. Or was...)

Only his wife is messing things up. She won't "allow" him to work, except weekends. She won't consider daycare, thinking it's a "bad word". Because I wasn't speaking to my cousin today, I don't know if his wife is actually working or not. (I sure hope so!) So in short one spouse is being forced to become a homemaker. Or (worse!) they're being forced on welfare.

If I had a bit more info (eg if I knew if his wife was working or not) I'd be going to an advice website instead.

[NorthernDreamer]

My SIL (my brother's wife) is pregnant with baby #2, the opposite gender of their first. I texted her today offering some hand me downs (including a Gap down-filled snow suit, Sorel boots, etc) and she declined. It just blows my mind. I would have loved to get hand me downs. It's not because they don't have space to store it. They just like new things, or are very particular with "style". Oh well, looks like I'll make a few extra dollars selling them online!

... I'm assuming it's not that they were smart and bought mostly gender-neutral stuff for their first, huh? Cause that's what we did, and then turned down hand-me-downs for our second, because almost all the baby clothes and all the big-ticket items (snow suits, boots, shoes, jeans) are gender-neutral enough to suit either kid. As long as the sizes line up with the seasons, we're all set.

But the people who buy everything pink and then RE-buy?? I don't get it. I don't.

Then again, my son is currently wearing a hand-me-down pink nightgown, because it makes nighttime diaper changes easier and also who cares, it's a nightgown. So...

Nope. First was a girl. Lots of girly things. Which boys could wear, I know, but. I know they wouldn't reuse the stuff for the boy. I have a navy blue snow suit and boots so I thought they might want to take me up on the offer. Good winter wear is a must in Canada! But.... nope. I have offered things periodically in the past and 99% of the time they politely decline. I think I should just stop offering.

[engineermom21]

My SIL (my brother's wife) is pregnant with baby #2, the opposite gender of their first. I texted her today offering some hand me downs (including a Gap down-filled snow suit, Sorel boots, etc) and she declined. It just blows my mind. I would have loved to get hand me downs. It's not because they don't have space to store it. They just like new things, or are very particular with "style". Oh well, looks like I'll make a few extra dollars selling them online!

... I'm assuming it's not that they were smart and bought mostly gender-neutral stuff for their first, huh? Cause that's what we did, and then turned down hand-me-downs for our second, because almost all the baby clothes and all the big-ticket items (snow suits, boots, shoes, jeans) are gender-neutral enough to suit either kid. As long as the sizes line up with the seasons, we're all set.

But the people who buy everything pink and then RE-buy?? I don't get it. I don't.

Then again, my son is currently wearing a hand-me-down pink nightgown, because it makes nighttime diaper changes easier and also who cares, it's a nightgown. So...

We had some pink stuff for our daughter, which we got after she was born because we didn't find out her sex beforehand.  I've used pretty much everything for our son.  He doesn't care if he takes a bath in a pink tub or wore some pink pjs to bed.  Most of the stuff we had was gender-neutral, but I didn't go out any buy new stuff for the things that weren't. 

[iris lily]

I visited an aunt today (really an older distant relative) and she told me about her son, who is a few years older than me and used to be close friends with me before he moved far away. We haven't really spoken in years though.

A few years ago he got married and now has two kids. He went into the TV/film industry, paying large union fees to do so (kind of like going to university again). Afterward he started getting decent roles. (He's not famous enough that anyone here would know who he is, he's just getting steady paid work. Or was...)

Only his wife is messing things up. She won't "allow" him to work, except weekends. She won't consider daycare, thinking it's a "bad word". Because I wasn't speaking to my cousin today, I don't know if his wife is actually working or not. (I sure hope so!) So in short one spouse is being forced to become a homemaker. Or (worse!) they're being forced on welfare.

If I had a bit more info (eg if I knew if his wife was working or not) I'd be going to an advice website instead.

Wow, an actor getting regular work. Yeah, that is a gig to give up. For sure. Yep.

[Goldielocks]

My SIL (my brother's wife) is pregnant with baby #2, the opposite gender of their first. I texted her today offering some hand me downs (including a Gap down-filled snow suit, Sorel boots, etc) and she declined. It just blows my mind. I would have loved to get hand me downs. It's not because they don't have space to store it. They just like new things, or are very particular with "style". Oh well, looks like I'll make a few extra dollars selling them online!

My SIL definitely declined all hand-downs.   She may have been wise, as her husband's family hosted a huge baby shower and she ended up with more things than she could possibly dress a kid in...

She adjusted her thinking when kid number two was about 4 years old, however... so maybe just wait a few years and offer again.

[Psychstache]

My SIL (my brother's wife) is pregnant with baby #2, the opposite gender of their first. I texted her today offering some hand me downs (including a Gap down-filled snow suit, Sorel boots, etc) and she declined. It just blows my mind. I would have loved to get hand me downs. It's not because they don't have space to store it. They just like new things, or are very particular with "style". Oh well, looks like I'll make a few extra dollars selling them online!

... I'm assuming it's not that they were smart and bought mostly gender-neutral stuff for their first, huh? Cause that's what we did, and then turned down hand-me-downs for our second, because almost all the baby clothes and all the big-ticket items (snow suits, boots, shoes, jeans) are gender-neutral enough to suit either kid. As long as the sizes line up with the seasons, we're all set.

But the people who buy everything pink and then RE-buy?? I don't get it. I don't.

Then again, my son is currently wearing a hand-me-down pink nightgown, because it makes nighttime diaper changes easier and also who cares, it's a nightgown. So...

We had some pink stuff for our daughter, which we got after she was born because we didn't find out her sex beforehand.  I've used pretty much everything for our son.  He doesn't care if he takes a bath in a pink tub or wore some pink pjs to bed.  Most of the stuff we had was gender-neutral, but I didn't go out any buy new stuff for the things that weren't.

SIL and BIL have a 2 year old boy. One time when we were over, kiddo pulled out some markers and started drawing on paper. His dad went over to him, took the pink marker out of the pack, and threw it away.

Too bad our daughter is younger, I would have loved to see the look on his face if we had offered hand me downs from a girl.

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[kayvent]

My SIL (my brother's wife) is pregnant with baby #2, the opposite gender of their first. I texted her today offering some hand me downs (including a Gap down-filled snow suit, Sorel boots, etc) and she declined. It just blows my mind. I would have loved to get hand me downs. It's not because they don't have space to store it. They just like new things, or are very particular with "style". Oh well, looks like I'll make a few extra dollars selling them online!

... I'm assuming it's not that they were smart and bought mostly gender-neutral stuff for their first, huh? Cause that's what we did, and then turned down hand-me-downs for our second, because almost all the baby clothes and all the big-ticket items (snow suits, boots, shoes, jeans) are gender-neutral enough to suit either kid. As long as the sizes line up with the seasons, we're all set.

But the people who buy everything pink and then RE-buy?? I don't get it. I don't.

Then again, my son is currently wearing a hand-me-down pink nightgown, because it makes nighttime diaper changes easier and also who cares, it's a nightgown. So...

We had some pink stuff for our daughter, which we got after she was born because we didn't find out her sex beforehand.  I've used pretty much everything for our son.  He doesn't care if he takes a bath in a pink tub or wore some pink pjs to bed.  Most of the stuff we had was gender-neutral, but I didn't go out any buy new stuff for the things that weren't.

SIL and BIL have a 2 year old boy. One time when we were over, kiddo pulled out some markers and started drawing on paper. His dad went over to him, took the pink marker out of the pack, and threw it away.

Too bad our daughter is younger, I would have loved to see the look on his face if we had offered hand me downs from a girl.

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Until the day I die I will vigorously uphold that light red is a manly colour and appropriate for boys. I will not allow the Colour Gestapo to plunder that colour under both a false pretence and a false name.

[shelivesthedream]

SIL and BIL have a 2 year old boy. One time when we were over, kiddo pulled out some markers and started drawing on paper. His dad went over to him, took the pink marker out of the pack, and threw it away.

Too bad our daughter is younger, I would have loved to see the look on his face if we had offered hand me downs from a girl.

That is absolutely pathological. I am really and truly horrified by that.

[firelight]

SIL and BIL have a 2 year old boy. One time when we were over, kiddo pulled out some markers and started drawing on paper. His dad went over to him, took the pink marker out of the pack, and threw it away.

Too bad our daughter is younger, I would have loved to see the look on his face if we had offered hand me downs from a girl.

That is absolutely pathological. I am really and truly horrified by that.

I agree! I really wished someone knocked some sense into the dad. God help the kid!

[engineermom21]

My SIL (my brother's wife) is pregnant with baby #2, the opposite gender of their first. I texted her today offering some hand me downs (including a Gap down-filled snow suit, Sorel boots, etc) and she declined. It just blows my mind. I would have loved to get hand me downs. It's not because they don't have space to store it. They just like new things, or are very particular with "style". Oh well, looks like I'll make a few extra dollars selling them online!

... I'm assuming it's not that they were smart and bought mostly gender-neutral stuff for their first, huh? Cause that's what we did, and then turned down hand-me-downs for our second, because almost all the baby clothes and all the big-ticket items (snow suits, boots, shoes, jeans) are gender-neutral enough to suit either kid. As long as the sizes line up with the seasons, we're all set.

But the people who buy everything pink and then RE-buy?? I don't get it. I don't.

Then again, my son is currently wearing a hand-me-down pink nightgown, because it makes nighttime diaper changes easier and also who cares, it's a nightgown. So...

We had some pink stuff for our daughter, which we got after she was born because we didn't find out her sex beforehand.  I've used pretty much everything for our son.  He doesn't care if he takes a bath in a pink tub or wore some pink pjs to bed.  Most of the stuff we had was gender-neutral, but I didn't go out any buy new stuff for the things that weren't.

SIL and BIL have a 2 year old boy. One time when we were over, kiddo pulled out some markers and started drawing on paper. His dad went over to him, took the pink marker out of the pack, and threw it away.

Too bad our daughter is younger, I would have loved to see the look on his face if we had offered hand me downs from a girl.

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

That is insane.  Sadly, I know people who would do this same thing.  Heck, my own mother was appalled when my daughter had a blue Easter dress one year.  "It's blue! She is a girl! She can't wear a blue dress!"  Uhhh, yeah she can.

[HairyUpperLip]

That is insane.  Sadly, I know people who would do this same thing.  Heck, my own mother was appalled when my daughter had a blue Easter dress one year.  "It's blue! She is a girl! She can't wear a blue dress!"  Uhhh, yeah she can.

Elsa does it.

[jinga nation]

SIL and BIL have a 2 year old boy. One time when we were over, kiddo pulled out some markers and started drawing on paper. His dad went over to him, took the pink marker out of the pack, and threw it away.

Too bad our daughter is younger, I would have loved to see the look on his face if we had offered hand me downs from a girl.

That is absolutely pathological. I am really and truly horrified by that.

I agree! I really wished someone knocked some sense into the dad. God help the kid!

TIL some people have a phobia of homogenous mixtures of red and white. Does this person eat their steak not-pink?

[YoungGranny]

.

[charis]

I just need to vent.....I have a brother who moved to a lower COL area to start a family - proceeded to buy a $300k McMansion because they "need" the space for said future family + "need" to be in the absolute best school district. This on top of owning 2 10 year old vehicles purchased a few years back with 10 year loans + over $100k in student loans  (but they will be forgiven in 20 years so it doesn't matter), $30k in CC debt. OMG!

They didn't even get approved for the full $300k mortgage because of debt + income levels (probably $90k a year combined) so they borrowed $100k from family (NOT ME!). I get heart palpitations thinking about their financial situation while they sip on $10 cocktails every weekend and splurge constantly on lattes.  How on earth did we come from the same family?

Are they aware that their loan forgiveness will come with a hefty tax on the forgiven amount?

[jinga nation]

I just need to vent.....I have a brother who moved to a lower COL area to start a family - proceeded to buy a $300k McMansion because they "need" the space for said future family + "need" to be in the absolute best school district. This on top of owning 2 10 year old vehicles purchased a few years back with 10 year loans + over $100k in student loans  (but they will be forgiven in 20 years so it doesn't matter), $30k in CC debt. OMG!

They didn't even get approved for the full $300k mortgage because of debt + income levels (probably $90k a year combined) so they borrowed $100k from family (NOT ME!). I get heart palpitations thinking about their financial situation while they sip on $10 cocktails every weekend and splurge constantly on lattes.  How on earth did we come from the same family?

That is Reason #1 why I don't use social media anymore. I don't want to know of the fake lifestyle portrayals of family members, I don't want to talk about them with my wife behind their back. The less I know the happier I am; ignorance is bliss. My father and MIL are compulsive worriers, I don't want my wife and I to be the same.
(I used to be on Twitter, Facebook, Whatsapp when they first came out. Over time it became reposts, retweets, endless barrage of ads. And harder to find actual original useful content. Negative comments from distant and close relatives thankfully made me go cold turkey on these platforms.)
I too am the black (or green) sheep of the family, saving and wanting to FIRE with a wife who shares the same ideals.

[YoungGranny]

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[YoungGranny]

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[MgoSam]

They seem to think it will just disappear.

Wait, isn't that how everyone deals with their problems?

[jinga nation]

They seem to think it will just disappear.

Wait, isn't that how everyone deals with their problems?

And yet we blame the gov for kicking the can down the road.
Truly it is a government of the people.
(Apology in advance for the gov mud-sling, I couldn't resist connecting the dots.)

[merula]

That is insane.  Sadly, I know people who would do this same thing.  Heck, my own mother was appalled when my daughter had a blue Easter dress one year.  "It's blue! She is a girl! She can't wear a blue dress!"  Uhhh, yeah she can.

Elsa does it.

And Cinderella. And Aurora sometimes. Merida's is a sort of blue-green.

[marion10]

Two packages of rit blue dye in the washer on  my daughter's pink baby clothes (including a parka) and a seam ripper to take off ribbons and all my "girl" baby and toddler clothes were suitable for her brother.

[AlanStache]

...
That is Reason #1 why I don't use social media anymore. I don't want to know of the fake lifestyle portrayals of family members, I don't want to talk about them with my wife behind their back. The less I know the happier I am; ignorance is bliss. My father and MIL are compulsive worriers, I don't want my wife and I to be the same.
(I used to be on Twitter, Facebook, Whatsapp when they first came out. Over time it became reposts, retweets, endless barrage of ads. And harder to find actual original useful content. Negative comments from distant and close relatives thankfully made me go cold turkey on these platforms.)
I too am the black (or green) sheep of the family, saving and wanting to FIRE with a wife who shares the same ideals.

Amazingly the signal to noise ratio of FB has maintained a exponential decay for many years now. One would think that it would have to hit a floor some point; I am not sure that it wont go negative at some point. 

[engineermom21]

That is insane.  Sadly, I know people who would do this same thing.  Heck, my own mother was appalled when my daughter had a blue Easter dress one year.  "It's blue! She is a girl! She can't wear a blue dress!"  Uhhh, yeah she can.

Elsa does it.

And Cinderella. And Aurora sometimes. Merida's is a sort of blue-green.

Haha, true true!

[engineermom21]

Two packages of rit blue dye in the washer on  my daughter's pink baby clothes (including a parka) and a seam ripper to take off ribbons and all my "girl" baby and toddler clothes were suitable for her brother.

That's genius!

[HairyUpperLip]

TIL some people have a phobia of homogenous mixtures of red and white. Does this person eat their steak not-pink?

Honestly, eating pink meat isn't that gay. :-p

[MgoSam]

TIL some people have a phobia of homogenous mixtures of red and white. Does this person eat their steak not-pink?

Honestly, eating pink meat isn't that gay. :-p

I was trying to think of a way of making a similar joke, well played!

[jinga nation]

Amazingly the signal to noise ratio of FB has maintained a exponential decay for many years now. One would think that it would have to hit a floor some point; I am not sure that it wont go negative at some point.

Perhaps asymptotic towards zero?

[firelight]

I just need to vent.....I have a brother who moved to a lower COL area to start a family - proceeded to buy a $300k McMansion because they "need" the space for said future family + "need" to be in the absolute best school district. This on top of owning 2 10 year old vehicles purchased a few years back with 10 year loans + over $100k in student loans  (but they will be forgiven in 20 years so it doesn't matter), $30k in CC debt. OMG!

They didn't even get approved for the full $300k mortgage because of debt + income levels (probably $90k a year combined) so they borrowed $100k from family (NOT ME!). I get heart palpitations thinking about their financial situation while they sip on $10 cocktails every weekend and splurge constantly on lattes.  How on earth did we come from the same family?

That is Reason #1 why I don't use social media anymore. I don't want to know of the fake lifestyle portrayals of family members, I don't want to talk about them with my wife behind their back. The less I know the happier I am; ignorance is bliss. My father and MIL are compulsive worriers, I don't want my wife and I to be the same.
(I used to be on Twitter, Facebook, Whatsapp when they first came out. Over time it became reposts, retweets, endless barrage of ads. And harder to find actual original useful content. Negative comments from distant and close relatives thankfully made me go cold turkey on these platforms.)
I too am the black (or green) sheep of the family, saving and wanting to FIRE with a wife who shares the same ideals.

I wish it was just from social media. I get all of this from chatting with my bro a few times a week on the phone. Although after our chat yesterday he declared he doesn't want to chat about financial topics with me anymore because I'm never happy for him. I actually think this will be better for our relationship because I hate hearing about it.

Not trying to talk about them behind their back just stressed and needed an anonymous forum to vent on. I do love my brother dearly and I think it will definitely improve our relationship to leave finances out of it.

This! You'll see a marked improvement when finances are left out of relationships. It's very sad because I really want all of us siblings to be on the same page financially and help each other out with suggestions and tips but because of spendy siblings who think we judge them all the time, we need to have finances out of our talks. :(

[Abo345]

SO and I do not really talk about money or jobs a lot since we both come from very non mustacian families who will never understand. Over the years they have gathered that we must be doing pretty well since we live in a nice neighborhood and have good jobs.

The things we hear from them:
Why don't you pay for this or update that? I know you can afford it

I can't believe you don't have cable/ unlimited data plans/ new phones/ gym memberships/ subscription box services!!! You probably make way more and you don't even have it!

I can't believe you don't go to a salon to do manicures or hair dye! If I can find money to do it I know you can

You're so cheap  you should get something nicer to treat yourself I don't know why you would you wouldn't just pay more for X?

You have the oldest/ cheapest car out of everyone. You know a payment on a new car is only so and so much a month, I can't believe you still drive around that old thing (car is less than 10 yeas old)

They are then upset when we go on multiple international vacations a year and are in disbelief we could ever afford something like that. They get upset weve had our house slowly remodeled over the years to look very updated in comparison to theirs. They were also in shock when one of us lost our job and was not asking any other family members for money to cover bills until finding a new job.

We have tried to explain that u don't get rich by giving money to other people, this was a strage statement another family member briefly thought about but then disregarded.

[Step37]

I just need to vent.....I have a brother who moved to a lower COL area to start a family - proceeded to buy a $300k McMansion because they "need" the space for said future family + "need" to be in the absolute best school district. This on top of owning 2 10 year old vehicles purchased a few years back with 10 year loans + over $100k in student loans  (but they will be forgiven in 20 years so it doesn't matter), $30k in CC debt. OMG!

They didn't even get approved for the full $300k mortgage because of debt + income levels (probably $90k a year combined) so they borrowed $100k from family (NOT ME!). I get heart palpitations thinking about their financial situation while they sip on $10 cocktails every weekend and splurge constantly on lattes.  How on earth did we come from the same family?

I feel this way about my sister (HOW are we related?) when it comes to finances. She and her husband just think it's an income problem. When I have tried to point out that it's primarily a spending problem, I get very little traction. The good news is, their income is on the upswing, they're getting caught up on bills and *should* be able to start paying back the 16k they owe me pretty soon... sigh. Let's hope that some shiny new thing or food delivery service doesn't take precedence.

[ShoulderThingThatGoesUp]

My daughter has a blue shirt her cousin rejected because blue isn't for girls.

It's a v-neck so we only let her wear it as a pajama top because of the way it fits her.

I'm struggling with who the woman mentioned above thinks a blue Easter dress is made for, if not a girl.

[engineermom21]

My daughter has a blue shirt her cousin rejected because blue isn't for girls.

It's a v-neck so we only let her wear it as a pajama top because of the way it fits her.

I'm struggling with who the woman mentioned above thinks a blue Easter dress is made for, if not a girl.

Ha! Right?! That was my first thought too when she said it.  It's an Easter dress...for a girl...  I mean, I'm all for boys wearing dresses if they want to, but I don't think that's who the designer had in mind when they made the dress.

[HairyUpperLip]

TIL some people have a phobia of homogenous mixtures of red and white. Does this person eat their steak not-pink?

Honestly, eating pink meat isn't that gay. :-p

I was trying to think of a way of making a similar joke, well played!

haha, thanks man.

[Guava]

This is kind of a rant for me about my ridiculous family. My grandparents both have some degree of mental health issues that have recently spiraled out of control. I just found out that over the last 6 months my grandmother has racked up over $12k in credit card debt. I was speechless. Like I can't even process how this could happen when the only expenses they have is a car payment and property taxes. The amount of new crap stuffed into that house must be insane. I dread going there to clean it out. On top of that, the house is in so much disrepair it needs to be condemned. Just waiting for the ish to hit the fan. Should be happening any day now...

[Dicey]

Two packages of rit blue dye in the washer on  my daughter's pink baby clothes (including a parka) and a seam ripper to take off ribbons and all my "girl" baby and toddler clothes were suitable for her brother.

I like the way you think!

[Linea_Norway]

This is kind of a rant for me about my ridiculous family. My grandparents both have some degree of mental health issues that have recently spiraled out of control. I just found out that over the last 6 months my grandmother has racked up over $12k in credit card debt. I was speechless. Like I can't even process how this could happen when the only expenses they have is a car payment and property taxes. The amount of new crap stuffed into that house must be insane. I dread going there to clean it out. On top of that, the house is in so much disrepair it needs to be condemned. Just waiting for the ish to hit the fan. Should be happening any day now...

This sounds like your grandmother suddenly might have gotten some addiction, like playing online casino or something completely different. Maybe you should go over there and ask her out and try to stop it.

[Goldielocks]

This is kind of a rant for me about my ridiculous family. My grandparents both have some degree of mental health issues that have recently spiraled out of control. I just found out that over the last 6 months my grandmother has racked up over $12k in credit card debt. I was speechless. Like I can't even process how this could happen when the only expenses they have is a car payment and property taxes. The amount of new crap stuffed into that house must be insane. I dread going there to clean it out. On top of that, the house is in so much disrepair it needs to be condemned. Just waiting for the ish to hit the fan. Should be happening any day now...

This sounds like your grandmother suddenly might have gotten some addiction, like playing online casino or something completely different. Maybe you should go over there and ask her out and try to stop it.

Whoo Boy.  DH's grandmother started to socialize with a few friends at Bingo.   She spent quite a bit, but was not nearly as addicted as her friends were.   It is easy to use up your cash for Bingo, then put your groceries and whatnot on credit.

Others get hit up for cash from other family members, then need credit cards to pay for basic expenses.

[Guava]

This is kind of a rant for me about my ridiculous family. My grandparents both have some degree of mental health issues that have recently spiraled out of control. I just found out that over the last 6 months my grandmother has racked up over $12k in credit card debt. I was speechless. Like I can't even process how this could happen when the only expenses they have is a car payment and property taxes. The amount of new crap stuffed into that house must be insane. I dread going there to clean it out. On top of that, the house is in so much disrepair it needs to be condemned. Just waiting for the ish to hit the fan. Should be happening any day now...

This sounds like your grandmother suddenly might have gotten some addiction, like playing online casino or something completely different. Maybe you should go over there and ask her out and try to stop it.

She has had a habit for the last 30 years of shopping. She tells me it's entitlement. She worked hard so she is now entitled to whatever she wants. Also, one of her kids was expecting a six figure sum of money and the amount was settled about three months ago...grandma hit up her kid right away saying part of that money was hers too (it really isn't in any sane way).

ETA: we also don't have that kind of relationship where I could help her. I mean I try to but it always turns out with her threatening to call the police and me telling her to go ahead because then her house will get condemned. Then she says I will give her another stroke (no one actually believes she ever had the first stroke) and I say....well...lets just say it's bad.

[Linea_Norway]

This is kind of a rant for me about my ridiculous family. My grandparents both have some degree of mental health issues that have recently spiraled out of control. I just found out that over the last 6 months my grandmother has racked up over $12k in credit card debt. I was speechless. Like I can't even process how this could happen when the only expenses they have is a car payment and property taxes. The amount of new crap stuffed into that house must be insane. I dread going there to clean it out. On top of that, the house is in so much disrepair it needs to be condemned. Just waiting for the ish to hit the fan. Should be happening any day now...

This sounds like your grandmother suddenly might have gotten some addiction, like playing online casino or something completely different. Maybe you should go over there and ask her out and try to stop it.

She has had a habit for the last 30 years of shopping. She tells me it's entitlement. She worked hard so she is now entitled to whatever she wants. Also, one of her kids was expecting a six figure sum of money and the amount was settled about three months ago...grandma hit up her kid right away saying part of that money was hers too (it really isn't in any sane way).

ETA: we also don't have that kind of relationship where I could help her. I mean I try to but it always turns out with her threatening to call the police and me telling her to go ahead because then her house will get condemned. Then she says I will give her another stroke (no one actually believes she ever had the first stroke) and I say....well...lets just say it's bad.

OK, some people don't want to be helped. Best to not interfere then, as long as you are not in danger to inherit any debt she will make.

[Fishingmn]

I do encourage everyone to help your elderly parents/grandparents who aren't as savvy with finances. We recently decided we needed to get more engaged with my 77 year old in-laws. They are smart people but old age has them slowing down in recent years with some health issues.

Yesterday I accompanied them to Verizon. They had been paying $140/mo for an out of contract phone plan. I got that reduced to $70/mo + added a 15% military veteran discount they had never known about.

We also found out that MIL is paying $800/year for a $10k term life policy and has been for years. Almost all of their investments are in cash or bonds.

They are getting by fine on SS and pension covering their expenses but if one of them needs nursing care they will probably be wiped out within 2-3 years.

It's hard to start these conversations sometimes, especially with privacy concerns and their embarrassment to try and cover up for their mistakes, but once we got past those I think they are happy for the help and the savings.

[Threshkin]

I do encourage everyone to help your elderly parents/grandparents who aren't as savvy with finances. We recently decided we needed to get more engaged with my 77 year old in-laws. They are smart people but old age has them slowing down in recent years with some health issues.

...snip...

They are getting by fine on SS and pension covering their expenses but if one of them needs nursing care they will probably be wiped out within 2-3 years.

It's hard to start these conversations sometimes, especially with privacy concerns and their embarrassment to try and cover up for their mistakes, but once we got past those I think they are happy for the help and the savings.

This happened to my mom.  We was doing okay on her SS and limited assets until she had to go into a nursing home suddenly and unexpectedly.  At ~$8500/mo for the last two years her finances have been decimated.  We are now waiting for her Medicaid application to be approved.

[mtn]

I do encourage everyone to help your elderly parents/grandparents who aren't as savvy with finances. We recently decided we needed to get more engaged with my 77 year old in-laws. They are smart people but old age has them slowing down in recent years with some health issues.

...snip...

They are getting by fine on SS and pension covering their expenses but if one of them needs nursing care they will probably be wiped out within 2-3 years.

It's hard to start these conversations sometimes, especially with privacy concerns and their embarrassment to try and cover up for their mistakes, but once we got past those I think they are happy for the help and the savings.

This happened to my mom.  We was doing okay on her SS and limited assets until she had to go into a nursing home suddenly and unexpectedly.  At ~$8500/mo for the last two years her finances have been decimated.  We are now waiting for her Medicaid application to be approved.

My MIL has MS. I keep thinking that my FIL and MIL should get divorced, on paper. It could be a no-contest divorce, arrange it so that he gets everything (she makes more than he does and actually has a pension, which he won't). The house and cars are already in his name. They have good insurance and good care, but she's going to ruin them when she finally does need full time attention.

Either that, or start putting everything into a trust and transfer it to my wife's and BIL's (currently non-existent) trusts. But I don't want to deal with a house.

[Maverick44]

My MIL has MS. I keep thinking that my FIL and MIL should get divorced, on paper. It could be a no-contest divorce, arrange it so that he gets everything (she makes more than he does and actually has a pension, which he won't). The house and cars are already in his name. They have good insurance and good care, but she's going to ruin them when she finally does need full time attention.

Either that, or start putting everything into a trust and transfer it to my wife's and BIL's (currently non-existent) trusts. But I don't want to deal with a house.

I've been trying this with my parents for a few years now.  My father has Alzheimer's and my mom won't divorce him on paper even though it would be best for both of them financially.  I know that it's hard emotionally for her, but in the end shouldn't he get the care he needs without wiping her out?

[AlanStache]

My MIL has MS. I keep thinking that my FIL and MIL should get divorced, on paper. It could be a no-contest divorce, arrange it so that he gets everything (she makes more than he does and actually has a pension, which he won't). The house and cars are already in his name. They have good insurance and good care, but she's going to ruin them when she finally does need full time attention.

Either that, or start putting everything into a trust and transfer it to my wife's and BIL's (currently non-existent) trusts. But I don't want to deal with a house.

I've been trying this with my parents for a few years now.  My father has Alzheimer's and my mom won't divorce him on paper even though it would be best for both of them financially.  I know that it's hard emotionally for her, but in the end shouldn't he get the care he needs without wiping her out?

When I was very young my grandma got sick.  Her daughters discussed with there father (my grandfather) that her illness could cost him everything but he refused to divorce his wife.  In someways it is good that she died relatively quickly.  How stupid is it that 30+ years latter the same problems are still going on!

[Xlar]

My FIL almost bought one of these as an investment on a whim: https://store.melfisher.com/collections/authentic-atocha-coins-1

They randomly went to the museum and all he knew about them was what the sales person told him. They claimed the coins went up in value at least 6-7% each year. The only reason that they didn't buy them was because they didn't have enough left in their bank account after paying for the trip down there...

[Lyngi]

My MIL has MS. I keep thinking that my FIL and MIL should get divorced, on paper. It could be a no-contest divorce, arrange it so that he gets everything (she makes more than he does and actually has a pension, which he won't). The house and cars are already in his name. They have good insurance and good care, but she's going to ruin them when she finally does need full time attention.

Either that, or start putting everything into a trust and transfer it to my wife's and BIL's (currently non-existent) trusts. But I don't want to deal with a house.

All the parents need to go see an elder law specialist attorney!!  My mom has Alzheimer's and my dad was wondering about protecting assets and a ton of other things.  In our state, my parents would have to basically split the assets fairly equally in a "divorce."  My dad would have to transfer a bunch of his  retirement accounts to my mom to make things "fair."  The other alternative would be to transfer their house and any non-retirement accounts into an irrevocable trust.  My dad would "lose control" over those accounts to the trustee (me, probably).   And then the trust would still be subject to the Medicaid 5 year lookback. 
     My mom's doctor said that maybe a "divorce" is the best thing.  If my mom goes into long term care, Medicaid will take everything.  They allow only a very small amount for the stay at home spouse to live on.   My dad deserves to be taken care of, if something were to happen, and he needed care too.    It is such a freaking mess that,  6 months later,  not one thing has been decided on.   

[Feivel2000]

I am really surprised to hear so many Americans have the opinion that in case of a serious illness, people should separate to save the assets, so one partner can enjoy life and hopefully have lots to pass on.
What happened to personal accountability and responsibility or "In good and in bad times".

I am not suggesting that I wouldn't probably think about cashing out all the profits from a marriage and let the community pay for medical aid for the love of my life, but still, I am pretty surprised how common this thinking is...

[Vindicated]

I am really surprised to hear so many Americans have the opinion that in case of a serious illness, people should separate to save the assets, so one partner can enjoy life and hopefully have lots to pass on.
What happened to personal accountability and responsibility or "In good and in bad times".

I am not suggesting that I wouldn't probably think about cashing out all the profits from a marriage and let the community pay for medical aid for the love of my life, but still, I am pretty surprised how common this thinking is...

I don't think any of them are considering a real separation from their loved one's.  Just a legal one.  That way the person with Alz can get medicare, and the other isn't bankrupted by it. 

[Feivel2000]

I am really surprised to hear so many Americans have the opinion that in case of a serious illness, people should separate to save the assets, so one partner can enjoy life and hopefully have lots to pass on.
What happened to personal accountability and responsibility or "In good and in bad times".

I am not suggesting that I wouldn't probably think about cashing out all the profits from a marriage and let the community pay for medical aid for the love of my life, but still, I am pretty surprised how common this thinking is...

I don't think any of them are considering a real separation from their loved one's.  Just a legal one.  That way the person with Alz can get medicare, and the other isn't bankrupted by it.

Of course, I do understand. Still, the tax breaks in a marriage partially exist because of these liabilities for care between spouses.
Taking all the profits while society has take all the risks and losses will break the system pretty quickly.

I get it, game theory is to blame.

That's why I am also surprised that you so easily get off the hook. In Germany, a pure legal divorce would not help you.

[marielle]

I am really surprised to hear so many Americans have the opinion that in case of a serious illness, people should separate to save the assets, so one partner can enjoy life and hopefully have lots to pass on.
What happened to personal accountability and responsibility or "In good and in bad times".

I am not suggesting that I wouldn't probably think about cashing out all the profits from a marriage and let the community pay for medical aid for the love of my life, but still, I am pretty surprised how common this thinking is...

I don't think any of them are considering a real separation from their loved one's.  Just a legal one.  That way the person with Alz can get medicare, and the other isn't bankrupted by it.

Of course, I do understand. Still, the tax breaks in a marriage partially exist because of these liabilities for care between spouses.
Taking all the profits while society has take all the risks and losses will break the system pretty quickly.

I get it, game theory is to blame.

That's why I am also surprised that you so easily get off the hook. In Germany, a pure legal divorce would not help you.

Not everyone saves on taxes from marriage. In fact, you could actually pay more taxes depending on income. If you have middle class income and each make equal pay, there is no savings or penalty on taxes.