Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.
But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.
That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.
Usually the easiest is to just say no. If you tell them ahead of the birth that you won't have any visitors until 6-12 weeks after the baby is born, it is much easier to loosen the rules afterwards. If they expect to almost take part in the birth, they will be disappointed if you ask them to wait one week before visiting. If they know from the start you want peace and quiet, they will be positively surprised if they get to see the baby already after two weeks.
With a newborn, usually the best help is to stay away (or bring food and leave).
Wow! All this seems a little harsh, not seeing a new grandchild for a couple of weeks?
Ok, you don't want to visit too long or inappropriately, but it seems a little cruel and unusual (maybe not so unusual!) to exclude the grandparents (who probably love the child the most next to the parents) and treat them with such disdain.
Knowing how much you love your children, how do you think you'd feel treated like this when your time came to be grandparents?
The focus should be 100 % on what is best for the child, which is to have happy, relaxed and functioning parents. If the grandparent is able to keep that focus and be of help, then I would guess they probably will be invited to see the kid earlier. But far too many grandparents are far too self focused. Pressuring the parents to get into the delivery room, or to get to visit the baby as early as possible, is not at all good for the baby. A bleeding, insomniac woman, who is full of hormones and hurting everywhere, should not feel any obligation to carter to healthy grandparents, or be walking on eggshells because their feelings might be hurt. She needs to focus 100% of her energy on her new baby. Any adult that thinks their feelings should trump that, should seriously reconsider their priorities.
As a potential grandmother, I'm looking forward to being of help to my daughters if they choose to have children. I'm raising them to be very clear about their feelings, needs and boundaries. I will see their children if and when they ask me to visit, and hopefully we will find a good dialogue so I can develop a good relationship with the grandkids as they grow up. The first 6-12 weeks have little or nothing to do with bonding with grandma, it is the next 18-20 years that matter.
Consider this scenario: you get a message from your daughter that her 7 year old son is in hospital, he has been in an accident and broken his back. He has been in a lot of pain, but has finally fallen asleep. Do you:
a) rush to the hospital and demand to see him to make sure that your beloved grandchild is ok? It will wake him up, be a source of stress for both your daughter and grandchild, and you will be of no use. But you will probably feel better after you've seen him.
b) reply to your daughter's text message with some encouraging words, and ask her to tell you immidiately if you can be of any help with anything. Maybe offer to babysit a sibling, make dinner, buy them something, or do something else that is useful.
Topic: Relatives who just don't get it (Read 3616935 times)
