Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 3396071 times)

Dicey

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 22082
  • Age: 65
  • Location: NorCal
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6850 on: September 04, 2022, 10:15:42 AM »
In the continued saga of my brother/parents, my parents are attempting to pawn off their unintentional boarder on me.  The backstory here is that about two years ago, my brother, SIL, and their roommate (plus 4 dogs) moved in with my parents because brother/SIL were having trouble keeping up with various payments.  Roommate moved out for awhile and then moved back in after breaking up with boyfriend and getting disowned by her parents.  Brother and SIL moved out recently, leaving roommate and her dog with mom and dad.  Dad has now approached both DH and I about letting her move into our rental property.  First, I already know that she doesn't consistently pay rent to mom and dad because mom let that slip months ago.  Second, I've already had this conversation with SIL and they asked for a rent discount and whether utilities were included (on a 3/2 SFH for $650/month).  I'm not touching that with a 10 foot pole.  In fact, we now have a standing No Friends Or Family policy for tenants.
Solid gold wisdom right there.

Wolfpack Mustachian

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1836
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6851 on: September 04, 2022, 02:22:05 PM »
In the continued saga of my brother/parents, my parents are attempting to pawn off their unintentional boarder on me.  The backstory here is that about two years ago, my brother, SIL, and their roommate (plus 4 dogs) moved in with my parents because brother/SIL were having trouble keeping up with various payments.  Roommate moved out for awhile and then moved back in after breaking up with boyfriend and getting disowned by her parents.  Brother and SIL moved out recently, leaving roommate and her dog with mom and dad.  Dad has now approached both DH and I about letting her move into our rental property.  First, I already know that she doesn't consistently pay rent to mom and dad because mom let that slip months ago.  Second, I've already had this conversation with SIL and they asked for a rent discount and whether utilities were included (on a 3/2 SFH for $650/month).  I'm not touching that with a 10 foot pole.  In fact, we now have a standing No Friends Or Family policy for tenants.
Solid gold wisdom right there.
+1 and also for more financial situations than just tenants

TheGrimSqueaker

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2570
  • Location: A desert wasteland, where none but the weird survive
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6852 on: September 06, 2022, 12:36:42 PM »
In the continued saga of my brother/parents, my parents are attempting to pawn off their unintentional boarder on me.  The backstory here is that about two years ago, my brother, SIL, and their roommate (plus 4 dogs) moved in with my parents because brother/SIL were having trouble keeping up with various payments.  Roommate moved out for awhile and then moved back in after breaking up with boyfriend and getting disowned by her parents.  Brother and SIL moved out recently, leaving roommate and her dog with mom and dad.  Dad has now approached both DH and I about letting her move into our rental property.  First, I already know that she doesn't consistently pay rent to mom and dad because mom let that slip months ago.  Second, I've already had this conversation with SIL and they asked for a rent discount and whether utilities were included (on a 3/2 SFH for $650/month).  I'm not touching that with a 10 foot pole.  In fact, we now have a standing No Friends Or Family policy for tenants

I find it interesting that the conversation is revolving around what's best for the freeloaders, instead of what's best for the people whose labor paid for the real estate they occupy or would like to occupy. One group is clearly far more important than the other in your family.

Sugaree

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1626
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6853 on: September 06, 2022, 03:42:03 PM »
In the continued saga of my brother/parents, my parents are attempting to pawn off their unintentional boarder on me.  The backstory here is that about two years ago, my brother, SIL, and their roommate (plus 4 dogs) moved in with my parents because brother/SIL were having trouble keeping up with various payments.  Roommate moved out for awhile and then moved back in after breaking up with boyfriend and getting disowned by her parents.  Brother and SIL moved out recently, leaving roommate and her dog with mom and dad.  Dad has now approached both DH and I about letting her move into our rental property.  First, I already know that she doesn't consistently pay rent to mom and dad because mom let that slip months ago.  Second, I've already had this conversation with SIL and they asked for a rent discount and whether utilities were included (on a 3/2 SFH for $650/month).  I'm not touching that with a 10 foot pole.  In fact, we now have a standing No Friends Or Family policy for tenants

I find it interesting that the conversation is revolving around what's best for the freeloaders, instead of what's best for the people whose labor paid for the real estate they occupy or would like to occupy. One group is clearly far more important than the other in your family.

Honestly?  It's a bit more nuanced than that.  I bitch about my parents a lot, but they've really set me up for success.  Both the house I live in and the rental house were gifted to us.  My house was my grandparents' house and the rental house was my husband's grandmother's house.  The house my parents live in is worth as much as those two combined and will, in theory, go to my brother one day.  I like to think that I've made more good choices than bad (recently anyway), but I'm in no way, shape, or form self-made. 

 But at the same time, I feel like my parents have coddled my brother for awhile.  I suspect that they know he needs more help right now.  And that's okay.  But they have to realize that his continued bad choices, and their continued lack of ability to say no, is not my problem to fix. 

RetireOrDieTrying

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 113
  • Age: 54
  • Location: United States
  • Gallivantin' across the US
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6854 on: March 19, 2023, 01:26:37 PM »
I, sadly, have to nominate my parents for the wall of shame. :(

My mom was dirt-poor Oklahoma Great Depression-raised. My dad was relatively wealthy (family had today's equivalent of $50M or so), also pre-Depression.

Neither of them could hit their ass with either hand.

Both were CPAs, making good money (I remember they were in the $90k range even back in the mid-1970s, which was a handsome sum back then). We lived in an 1893 house which was absolutely falling apart. Y'know the spooky abandoned mansions in horror flicks? Worse. I'm not kidding even a little bit. We never - and I mean NEVER - had people over to the house.

Perenially at risk of having the utilities turned off. YEARS behind on property taxes. Bankruptcies. Untold bounced check fees. Driving utterly unreliable garbage for cars. My mother would save everything except money. There were pathways through the house, and parts of the house were blocked off so that we didn't fall through the rotten floors because of the roof. No A/C (in Texas, mind you).

To this day I have no idea how they went through so much money and had nothing left. My mom gave away money right and left, and we ate out constantly, but other than that, I'm flummoxed.

To nobody's surprise, I turned out to be the retirement plan. Dad didn't live long enough, but my mom did. I bought her a small but nice little house, covering the utilities and taxes. She absolutely ruined it. I was stressed every time I went over and there would be crap everywhere, feral animals she let in my leaving the windows open, roaches, and filth.

Eventually, after a few years my breaking point came. I found that she had filled the garage with pallets [!!!] of 80-gallon propane tanks "just in case." There had to be 2,000 gallons of propane in the garage of this residential neighborhood, alongside drums of gasoline, kerosene, flour, rice, cooking oil, and the list goes on.

Now, if this place had ever caught fire, the firemen rolling up would have no idea what was inside. Neither would the neighbors, who I'm sure would gather to watch. That propane would have leveled the block, killing who-knows how many people. Guess whose name was on the title to that property?

I told her point-blank that the gravy train had left the station. I refused to place myself at that kind of risk since she couldn't be trusted. She initially refused to leave, so I sold the place (upside-down because of condition) right out from under her. She moved in with like-minded friends out in the country, taking all of that stuff with her. When she died, as executor they asked what I was going to do with all of her stuff. I looked them right in the eye and said that they must be mistaken - my mother didn't own anything, and they must be confusing it with the property owner's things. They were absolutely gleeful, and so was I.

That was a VERY expensive lesson learned. It wasn't the first time, but it was dang sure the last time that I would be a piggy bank for someone else's bad decisions, no matter who they are.

ATtiny85

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 824
  • Location: Midwest
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6855 on: March 19, 2023, 03:36:38 PM »
Wow, quite the story, thanks for sharing!

Zamboni

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3799
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6856 on: March 19, 2023, 06:23:45 PM »
I have relatives who refinance their house to pay off large sums of credit card debt.  While it's better to be paying a lower interest rate than the credit cards carry, they don't seem to realize that this is keeping them poor in the long run.  Twice they have re-financed the house to pay over $100k in credit card debt.  TWICE!  Lucky for them housing prices keep rising, but with increasing interest rates, this can't be a sustainable methodology.

I know someone that did this several (?) times and are now 80+ years old and still paying a mortgage. And their two year old old car is getting pretty long in the tooth now. Now talking about two new cars soon, perhaps.

DW and I decided it might be all about something to look forward to but at the same time, their equity and savings would determine the quality of their care in assisted living at some point. We know what state assisted elder care looks like here. An old motel renovated into scruffy apartments. Cafeteria food served in styrofoam clamshell containers. NO THANKS.

Yes, I too have 80-year-old relatives who re-fi'ed several times and still owe as much on their house of 25+ years as they did on the day they moved in. But, now they are so old that the banks won't let them refi again. Oh mercy me, now whateryagonnado!

It's sad, really. They will likely lose their house if they live much longer because they will be forced to sell it to pay their other consumer debt.

Metalcat

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 15614
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6857 on: March 19, 2023, 07:43:42 PM »
I have relatives who refinance their house to pay off large sums of credit card debt.  While it's better to be paying a lower interest rate than the credit cards carry, they don't seem to realize that this is keeping them poor in the long run.  Twice they have re-financed the house to pay over $100k in credit card debt.  TWICE!  Lucky for them housing prices keep rising, but with increasing interest rates, this can't be a sustainable methodology.

I know someone that did this several (?) times and are now 80+ years old and still paying a mortgage. And their two year old old car is getting pretty long in the tooth now. Now talking about two new cars soon, perhaps.

DW and I decided it might be all about something to look forward to but at the same time, their equity and savings would determine the quality of their care in assisted living at some point. We know what state assisted elder care looks like here. An old motel renovated into scruffy apartments. Cafeteria food served in styrofoam clamshell containers. NO THANKS.

Yes, I too have 80-year-old relatives who re-fi'ed several times and still owe as much on their house of 25+ years as they did on the day they moved in. But, now they are so old that the banks won't let them refi again. Oh mercy me, now whateryagonnado!

It's sad, really. They will likely lose their house if they live much longer because they will be forced to sell it to pay their other consumer debt.

They only refi'd to the original purchase price from 25 years ago?

Zamboni

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3799
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6858 on: March 19, 2023, 09:16:23 PM »
No, I think they cash out refi a higher amount, then pay it down a few years to get back to what the owed in the first place, refi again, rinse and repeat. 2x? 3x?

Metalcat

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 15614
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6859 on: March 20, 2023, 07:55:53 AM »
No, I think they cash out refi a higher amount, then pay it down a few years to get back to what the owed in the first place, refi again, rinse and repeat. 2x? 3x?

Ah, that makes more sense

iluvzbeach

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1448
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6860 on: March 20, 2023, 01:44:29 PM »
Iím so glad someone resurrected this thread. It had been more than six months since the last post and I just knew we had to have some forum members with family who were doing crazy things.

Sugaree

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1626
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6861 on: March 28, 2023, 07:34:54 AM »
I grew up watching my parents do the refi-the-house thing.  They'd run up the credit cards, do something drastic to pay them off, cancel all but one of the cards "for emergencies," then rinse and repeat.  It taught me not to get into CC debt, and taught my brother that that's how people handle debt.  Funny how growing up in the same house and watching the same parents do the same thing affects people differently. 

Taran Wanderer

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1348
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6862 on: March 28, 2023, 11:47:26 PM »
I grew up watching my parents do the refi-the-house thing.  They'd run up the credit cards, do something drastic to pay them off, cancel all but one of the cards "for emergencies," then rinse and repeat.  It taught me not to get into CC debt, and taught my brother that that's how people handle debt.  Funny how growing up in the same house and watching the same parents do the same thing affects people differently.

Some people learn from others.
Some people learn from othersí mistakes.

Hall11235

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 246
  • Age: 30
  • Location: Mass
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6863 on: March 29, 2023, 09:56:28 AM »
This one is a Twofer:

I have written about my in-laws here before, and how wild things have gotten since the birth of the first grand child (not ours).

1. Christmas this year was an absolute orgy of consumerism. There was a mountain of gifts, probably 7x7x7' all for this new child. You better believe we had to sit around for 2-3 hours and watch him fumble hopelessly at each one while everyone cooed about how strong and smart he was. It really is unbearable, as no expense is spared, and everytime he sees one of the grandparents, a gift of some kind is presented (a new toy, outfit, etc.). It boggles the mind.

2. These same inlaws just bought a house (600k at 4.5% (Ouch), right at the peak of the market), with a two car garage. They have so much shit that they cannot even park their cars in the two car garage, leaving their two new ish cars out in the lovely NE winter.

Its actually kind of sad. They really aren't compatible, but there is insane familial pressure to not divorce, especially now that a child is involved. The SIL keeps pushing my BIL to work harder and longer so she can eventually quit her job to be a SAHM (but they cannot affort the house on just his salary).

jinga nation

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2636
  • Age: 247
  • Location: 'Murica's Schlong
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6864 on: March 30, 2023, 04:55:14 PM »
This one is a Twofer:

I have written about my in-laws here before, and how wild things have gotten since the birth of the first grand child (not ours).

1. Christmas this year was an absolute orgy of consumerism. There was a mountain of gifts, probably 7x7x7' all for this new child. You better believe we had to sit around for 2-3 hours and watch him fumble hopelessly at each one while everyone cooed about how strong and smart he was. It really is unbearable, as no expense is spared, and everytime he sees one of the grandparents, a gift of some kind is presented (a new toy, outfit, etc.). It boggles the mind.

2. These same inlaws just bought a house (600k at 4.5% (Ouch), right at the peak of the market), with a two car garage. They have so much shit that they cannot even park their cars in the two car garage, leaving their two new ish cars out in the lovely NE winter.

Its actually kind of sad. They really aren't compatible, but there is insane familial pressure to not divorce, especially now that a child is involved. The SIL keeps pushing my BIL to work harder and longer so she can eventually quit her job to be a SAHM (but they cannot affort the house on just his salary).

I guess your in-laws never heard of George Carlin?
https://www.theburningplatform.com/2021/06/11/george-carlin-dumb-americans/

Quote
Everyone in the family has got on a backpack. They got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they got to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food. And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. AndÖ Another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit. They ainít got enough stupid shit at home. They just had a stupid shit sale, theyíre gonna buy more.

Theyíre going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized SUV thatís got plenty of room in it. Plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home. Stopping on the way, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough.

These people, these people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. Itís their civic duty. Consumption. Itís the new national pastime. Fuck baseball. Itís consumption. The only true lasting American value thatís left. Buying things. Buying things. People spending money they donít have on things they donít need. MONEY THEY DONíT HAVE ON THINGS THEY DONíT NEED. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost 12.50. And they didnít like it when they got it home anyway! Not too bright, folks. Not too fucking bright.

Or if you prefer the audio-visual magic of the seer in 2007: https://youtu.be/KLODGhEyLvk

BC_Goldman

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 243
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6865 on: April 10, 2023, 02:52:11 PM »
Maybe I'll have something to post here at some point. For now I'm just marking having read thru the entire thread, foam and all!

markbike528CBX

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1875
  • Location: the Everbrown part of the Evergreen State (WA)
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6866 on: April 11, 2023, 03:11:40 AM »
Maybe I'll have something to post here at some point. For now I'm just marking having read thru the entire thread, foam and all!
I think this accomplishment deserves a cross post to mustashian people problems MPP thread.  ;-)

tyrannostache

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 260
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6867 on: April 11, 2023, 01:41:45 PM »
This isn't as egregious as a lot of these examples, but I just got off the phone with my 80-year-old father. Dad told me he is committed to moving forward on a $120K+ addition to the condo he shares with my mom (which is worth roughly $300K). The project will add a screened porch and widen a sunroom. That's it.

I'd be all for it if it would add a lot of value or greatly improve their quality of life, and if they had enough savings to support it. But that would take a big chunk out of their remaining funds, and there's a strong chance he'll need some type of expensive assisted living in a year or two, and it will mean their main living area is torn up for months.

I did my best to talk him out of it. Fingers crossed.

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7228
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6868 on: April 11, 2023, 08:14:40 PM »
I have a tiny bit of good news! My parents did NOT fall for a scam today! whoo!

Well, technically, my dad got flustered and gave the phone to my mom, so he kinda fell for it but not entirely, and mom got annoyed when they couldn't tell her where they were calling from and ended up realizing it was a scam so she hung up. But, they didn't lose any money and I don't think they gave out any personal information. This is a win.

sonofsven

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1835
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6869 on: April 11, 2023, 08:45:13 PM »
I have a tiny bit of good news! My parents did NOT fall for a scam today! whoo!

Well, technically, my dad got flustered and gave the phone to my mom, so he kinda fell for it but not entirely, and mom got annoyed when they couldn't tell her where they were calling from and ended up realizing it was a scam so she hung up. But, they didn't lose any money and I don't think they gave out any personal information. This is a win.
Congrats!?
My MIL has fallen for the same scam TWICE!
"We're from your bank and there's an attempted hacking of your account; please give us your account numbers so we can stop them from accessing your account".
Ok, I made that up, but that's about the gist of it.
The thing is, she's pretty good with money, but her husband (decreased 7 years) was always in charge of the money and I think she just gets flustered and loses her sharp mind.

theninthwall

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 71
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6870 on: April 12, 2023, 05:44:44 AM »
My grandmother-in-law fell for a similar scam. Withdrew large amount of money from the bank and was sitting outside a gas station ready to deposit money into some machine when it finally dawned on her that something was wrong.
I would have said she was reasonably sharp for a woman in her eighties but they still almost got her.

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7228
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6871 on: April 12, 2023, 08:17:19 AM »
I have a tiny bit of good news! My parents did NOT fall for a scam today! whoo!

Well, technically, my dad got flustered and gave the phone to my mom, so he kinda fell for it but not entirely, and mom got annoyed when they couldn't tell her where they were calling from and ended up realizing it was a scam so she hung up. But, they didn't lose any money and I don't think they gave out any personal information. This is a win.
Congrats!?
My MIL has fallen for the same scam TWICE!
"We're from your bank and there's an attempted hacking of your account; please give us your account numbers so we can stop them from accessing your account".
Ok, I made that up, but that's about the gist of it.
The thing is, she's pretty good with money, but her husband (decreased 7 years) was always in charge of the money and I think she just gets flustered and loses her sharp mind.

Yeah, they didn't fall for this one but there have been other instances. There is a reason why I have full access to their finances, and have for a number of years.

tyrannostache

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 260
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6872 on: April 12, 2023, 01:18:23 PM »
I have a tiny bit of good news! My parents did NOT fall for a scam today! whoo!

Well, technically, my dad got flustered and gave the phone to my mom, so he kinda fell for it but not entirely, and mom got annoyed when they couldn't tell her where they were calling from and ended up realizing it was a scam so she hung up. But, they didn't lose any money and I don't think they gave out any personal information. This is a win.
Congrats!?
My MIL has fallen for the same scam TWICE!
"We're from your bank and there's an attempted hacking of your account; please give us your account numbers so we can stop them from accessing your account".
Ok, I made that up, but that's about the gist of it.
The thing is, she's pretty good with money, but her husband (decreased 7 years) was always in charge of the money and I think she just gets flustered and loses her sharp mind.

Yeah, they didn't fall for this one but there have been other instances. There is a reason why I have full access to their finances, and have for a number of years.

Oof, dad has been scammed three times in the last year. Fortunately, mom figured out something was up and headed him off before he did anything that couldn't be undone.
« Last Edit: April 12, 2023, 01:20:31 PM by tyrannostache »

getsorted

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1265
  • Age: 41
  • Location: Deepest Midwest
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6873 on: May 02, 2023, 05:53:59 PM »
Some relatives were complaining about the difficulties of living on Social Security and how they spend their entire income each month. Because I am that person, I asked them how much they made. It's $400/month more than I make, and their home is paid off. I have saved on average about $700/month from my take home pay over the last six months, so they are spending $1100 more, plus their absent mortgage payment, which for me is about $540. So $1640 in extra spending. These are fairly frugal people with a very modest lifestyle. What are they buying???

former player

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8674
  • Location: Avalon
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6874 on: May 03, 2023, 02:33:27 AM »
Some relatives were complaining about the difficulties of living on Social Security and how they spend their entire income each month. Because I am that person, I asked them how much they made. It's $400/month more than I make, and their home is paid off. I have saved on average about $700/month from my take home pay over the last six months, so they are spending $1100 more, plus their absent mortgage payment, which for me is about $540. So $1640 in extra spending. These are fairly frugal people with a very modest lifestyle. What are they buying???
2 leased cars, carelessness with grocery buying, some eating out and an on-line shopping habit would sort that out easy.

Adventine

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2392
  • Location: Memphis, USA
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6875 on: May 03, 2023, 06:02:07 AM »
Some relatives were complaining about the difficulties of living on Social Security and how they spend their entire income each month. Because I am that person, I asked them how much they made. It's $400/month more than I make, and their home is paid off. I have saved on average about $700/month from my take home pay over the last six months, so they are spending $1100 more, plus their absent mortgage payment, which for me is about $540. So $1640 in extra spending. These are fairly frugal people with a very modest lifestyle. What are they buying???
2 leased cars, carelessness with grocery buying, some eating out and an on-line shopping habit would sort that out easy.


They could also be financially supporting family members. Or have hidden substance abuse or gambling problems.

AMandM

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1632
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6876 on: May 03, 2023, 06:11:29 AM »
Or have lots of medical expenses. My father spends hundreds of dollars a month on prescriptions, and all he has is asthma and glaucoma.

getsorted

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1265
  • Age: 41
  • Location: Deepest Midwest
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6877 on: May 03, 2023, 06:15:50 AM »
Both on Medicare. I thought this through before posting!

ducky19

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 759
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6878 on: May 03, 2023, 06:54:52 AM »
Medicare is not the end all, be all that everyone makes it out to be. My MIL is diabetic and on Medicare, she still pays handsomely for a couple of prescriptions. Still hard to imagine what they would be spending that much on though.

Apples

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1334
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6879 on: May 03, 2023, 03:56:14 PM »
Here to second that Medicare may not just erase medical bills.  I have a coworker on Medicare who falls in the "donut hole" of prescription coverage, and pays hundreds if not over $1,000 of dollars per months for meds.  The guy would rather do that than switch plans and risk higher bills if he ends up in the hospital.

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7228
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6880 on: May 03, 2023, 09:07:00 PM »
Um, Medicare plus supplemental plan, anyone? They exist for a reason.

getsorted

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1265
  • Age: 41
  • Location: Deepest Midwest
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6881 on: May 03, 2023, 10:26:01 PM »
What kind of Wall of Shame and Comedy is this, anyway?

These are my relatives. I know all about their ailments. Medical spending is not what's making up the difference. Also, you know... Some of us non-retired people also pay a lot for chronic medical care.

Cassie

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7944
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6882 on: May 04, 2023, 11:36:46 AM »
I have a Medicare supplement plan and itís not cheap plus you also need a RX plan. Between Part B and the other two plans I spend 400/month and it increases yearly as you age in most states. Itís my largest bill outside of my small mortgage.  Itís 13% of my gross yearly income.

Valley of Plenty

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 361
  • Age: 28
  • Location: Pennsylvania
  • Toss a Coin to Your Net Worth
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6883 on: May 05, 2023, 07:03:28 PM »
On the subject of prescription costs, I've been recommending Cost Plus Drugs to everyone that I talk to. I got my last couple prescriptions through there and despite the fact that they don't accept my insurance, it was still cheaper than the copay I would have payed at the local pharmacy with my insurance.

It almost feels like breaking some unwritten rule to be able to get medication for so cheap without even needing insurance.

pjems

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 1
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6884 on: July 02, 2023, 04:22:28 PM »
Made an account just to vent on this.

MIL was video chatting my wife yesterday from a trip in southern France to celebrate her new promotion. She had spent  15k on jewelry that day and several thousand more spoiling my sister in law (who got flown over to celebrate), but was telling my wife that she was trying to fill up on free rolls at the hotel because she didnít have any money for dinner that nightÖ

Just hurts to watch (Wife and I are super in sync with saving money) her mom grew up poor and is over compensating on status symbols now that she has a well paying job (ie complains that we are too frugal, first thing she wanted to do when she visited was see  the expensive neighborhood to home shop for us, it mortally wounds her to think of her grand daughter not having the  $700 channel jacket she bought on this trip). Canít imagine my wife grew up in the environment, sounds exhausting!

cleverscreenname

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 100
  • Location: NY
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6885 on: July 15, 2023, 08:59:03 PM »
Thank you for making an account and posting this. DW and I read it together in shock with our mouths gaping open. She's less frugal than I, and her family is much more sucka mainstream, but she still understood the audacity of 15k on jewelry and said "That's a down payment on a house!!!" Yeah, she's a keeper :)

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7228
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6886 on: July 21, 2023, 08:27:48 AM »
This is small potatoes, but it is happening now and I'm just sighing because it's a bad idea but there's nothing I can do.

My parents had 2 cats. One of the cats died last fall. The remaining cat is unhappy because she wants another cat around. So my mom decided to get another cat, but it was delayed for various reasons. She's been going to the animal shelter and looking. Yesterday, she went to the shelter and apparently there's a nearly 4 month old kitten who is sad because stuck in the shelter, but was playing with mom. She told me about this kitten last night. She talked to my sister last night and told her about this kitten. And then my sister texted me and said that mom is going back to to the shelter today to play with the kitten. Mom is probably going to adopt this kitten today.

Problems:
Parents are seniors, fixed income.
A kitten is a 20 year commitment.
Dad has cognitive issues.
Mom has cognitive issues.
They don't have the energy to deal with a kitten. I have 2 almost adult cats and I know exactly how well they handled being around my kittens. Which was not well. Mom was tired out after 45 minutes. Dad basically ignored my kittens. They should not get a kitten.
The last time they got a kitten, roughly 7 years ago, they didn't raise the kitten well. Jessie (their cat) is a nice cat, but she wasn't taught not to bite as a form of communication and she also wasn't trained to tolerate brushing or claw trimming. It's not a big issue, but its an issue.
You don't know what you're getting when you get a kitten. At least with an adult, you know personality and major medical issues, and how big they are.

I wanted them to get an older cat, one closer to Jessie's age. Yes, intros are harder but I've got experience with that. But no, mom had to go and fall in love with this kitten. So I'm going to have to pick up whatever pieces that fall.

And before anyone says what if they can't care for the cats - that's why they live a mile from me. I will make sure the cats are cared for, either in their home or mine. Just didn't want them to get a kitten. Sigh.

sonofsven

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1835
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6887 on: July 21, 2023, 08:52:40 AM »
This is small potatoes, but it is happening now and I'm just sighing because it's a bad idea but there's nothing I can do.

My parents had 2 cats. One of the cats died last fall. The remaining cat is unhappy because she wants another cat around. So my mom decided to get another cat, but it was delayed for various reasons. She's been going to the animal shelter and looking. Yesterday, she went to the shelter and apparently there's a nearly 4 month old kitten who is sad because stuck in the shelter, but was playing with mom. She told me about this kitten last night. She talked to my sister last night and told her about this kitten. And then my sister texted me and said that mom is going back to to the shelter today to play with the kitten. Mom is probably going to adopt this kitten today.

Problems:
Parents are seniors, fixed income.
A kitten is a 20 year commitment.
Dad has cognitive issues.
Mom has cognitive issues.
They don't have the energy to deal with a kitten. I have 2 almost adult cats and I know exactly how well they handled being around my kittens. Which was not well. Mom was tired out after 45 minutes. Dad basically ignored my kittens. They should not get a kitten.
The last time they got a kitten, roughly 7 years ago, they didn't raise the kitten well. Jessie (their cat) is a nice cat, but she wasn't taught not to bite as a form of communication and she also wasn't trained to tolerate brushing or claw trimming. It's not a big issue, but its an issue.
You don't know what you're getting when you get a kitten. At least with an adult, you know personality and major medical issues, and how big they are.

I wanted them to get an older cat, one closer to Jessie's age. Yes, intros are harder but I've got experience with that. But no, mom had to go and fall in love with this kitten. So I'm going to have to pick up whatever pieces that fall.

And before anyone says what if they can't care for the cats - that's why they live a mile from me. I will make sure the cats are cared for, either in their home or mine. Just didn't want them to get a kitten. Sigh.
Oh, I hear you. My mom got a puppy last year after her ancient Bichon died
Yes, a puppy: peeing and pooping on the floor, biting, chewing, endless energy; my mom is 83!
She wanted an older Bichon but couldn't find one, so she took the pup. Of course, two months later a more appropriate age dog showed up in the rescue group.
I heard so many complaints I encouraged her to re-home the pup, but she refused. A puppy needs more exercise than she can give at her age.
I drove up and met the pup and he's a real sweetheart, irresistible.
Lucky for him, because she informed me that if (I corrected her to "when", ahem) she dies I get the pup.
The two of them are well bonded now, and he's house trained! Still doesn't get enough exercise.

cleverscreenname

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 100
  • Location: NY
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6888 on: July 21, 2023, 08:33:25 PM »
They don't have the energy to deal with a kitten.
I was thinking, do they have grand kids or neighborhood kids that can spend time playing with the adorable new kitten?

Zamboni

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3799
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6889 on: July 21, 2023, 09:26:20 PM »
Elderly parents with kittens and puppies, you say?
Why yes, I have those also.

Mom likes to combine her extremely elderly, incontinent pets with a variety new young strays who just show up (probably because she puts food outside and then lures them inside.) I grew up in the constantly churning sea of her menagerie. She is immune to the urine and feces odor in her home, it seems. And, according to her, she cares more about this revolving string of pets than she does about any people.

Step Mom also has a new cat. It's important to have a reason to buy gourmet cat food when you have negative money. This is her right as a lover of cats (and dogs, although lately it has been cats). Since she was buying "waste free" bird food and gourmet squirrel food at a special store just a few months ago, I figure settling on the compulsive online purchase of gourmet food for a single indoor cat is an improvement.

Yes, I too have 80-year-old relatives who re-fi'ed several times and still owe as much on their house of 25+ years as they did on the day they moved in. But, now they are so old that the banks won't let them refi again. Oh mercy me, now whateryagonnado!

It's sad, really. They will likely lose their house if they live much longer because they will be forced to sell it to pay their other consumer debt.

Well, that didn't take long: selling their house because they can't refi again and they have no other money. I don't expect they will actually pay off their consumer debt, but it's possible they will surprise me.

SunnyDays

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3389
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6890 on: July 22, 2023, 04:35:01 PM »
This is small potatoes, but it is happening now and I'm just sighing because it's a bad idea but there's nothing I can do.

My parents had 2 cats. One of the cats died last fall. The remaining cat is unhappy because she wants another cat around. So my mom decided to get another cat, but it was delayed for various reasons. She's been going to the animal shelter and looking. Yesterday, she went to the shelter and apparently there's a nearly 4 month old kitten who is sad because stuck in the shelter, but was playing with mom. She told me about this kitten last night. She talked to my sister last night and told her about this kitten. And then my sister texted me and said that mom is going back to to the shelter today to play with the kitten. Mom is probably going to adopt this kitten today.

Problems:
Parents are seniors, fixed income.
A kitten is a 20 year commitment.
Dad has cognitive issues.
Mom has cognitive issues.
They don't have the energy to deal with a kitten. I have 2 almost adult cats and I know exactly how well they handled being around my kittens. Which was not well. Mom was tired out after 45 minutes. Dad basically ignored my kittens. They should not get a kitten.
The last time they got a kitten, roughly 7 years ago, they didn't raise the kitten well. Jessie (their cat) is a nice cat, but she wasn't taught not to bite as a form of communication and she also wasn't trained to tolerate brushing or claw trimming. It's not a big issue, but its an issue.
You don't know what you're getting when you get a kitten. At least with an adult, you know personality and major medical issues, and how big they are.

I wanted them to get an older cat, one closer to Jessie's age. Yes, intros are harder but I've got experience with that. But no, mom had to go and fall in love with this kitten. So I'm going to have to pick up whatever pieces that fall.

And before anyone says what if they can't care for the cats - that's why they live a mile from me. I will make sure the cats are cared for, either in their home or mine. Just didn't want them to get a kitten. Sigh.

Is there time to call the shelter and tell them your mom is not a suitable adopter?  For both her sake and the kitten's and also yours?

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7228
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6891 on: July 23, 2023, 08:42:00 PM »
They don't have the energy to deal with a kitten.
I was thinking, do they have grand kids or neighborhood kids that can spend time playing with the adorable new kitten?

No and no.

However, I was pleasantly surprised - mom did NOT adopt the kitten! Didn't stop her from talking about it for an hour on Saturday. She was feeling guilty because she didn't get it. But she did get to babysit my cats for most of the day Saturday, and under rough circumstances since they had to be moved out for the day for flea bombing. Everyone survived and mom remembered that she doesn't have the energy for a kitten (or highly stressed near adult cats either).

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7228
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6892 on: July 23, 2023, 08:44:41 PM »
This is small potatoes, but it is happening now and I'm just sighing because it's a bad idea but there's nothing I can do.

My parents had 2 cats. One of the cats died last fall. The remaining cat is unhappy because she wants another cat around. So my mom decided to get another cat, but it was delayed for various reasons. She's been going to the animal shelter and looking. Yesterday, she went to the shelter and apparently there's a nearly 4 month old kitten who is sad because stuck in the shelter, but was playing with mom. She told me about this kitten last night. She talked to my sister last night and told her about this kitten. And then my sister texted me and said that mom is going back to to the shelter today to play with the kitten. Mom is probably going to adopt this kitten today.

Problems:
Parents are seniors, fixed income.
A kitten is a 20 year commitment.
Dad has cognitive issues.
Mom has cognitive issues.
They don't have the energy to deal with a kitten. I have 2 almost adult cats and I know exactly how well they handled being around my kittens. Which was not well. Mom was tired out after 45 minutes. Dad basically ignored my kittens. They should not get a kitten.
The last time they got a kitten, roughly 7 years ago, they didn't raise the kitten well. Jessie (their cat) is a nice cat, but she wasn't taught not to bite as a form of communication and she also wasn't trained to tolerate brushing or claw trimming. It's not a big issue, but its an issue.
You don't know what you're getting when you get a kitten. At least with an adult, you know personality and major medical issues, and how big they are.

I wanted them to get an older cat, one closer to Jessie's age. Yes, intros are harder but I've got experience with that. But no, mom had to go and fall in love with this kitten. So I'm going to have to pick up whatever pieces that fall.

And before anyone says what if they can't care for the cats - that's why they live a mile from me. I will make sure the cats are cared for, either in their home or mine. Just didn't want them to get a kitten. Sigh.

Is there time to call the shelter and tell them your mom is not a suitable adopter?  For both her sake and the kitten's and also yours?

Wouldn't help. I don't want to put them on the no-adoption list, and they don't distinguish based on age. I actually have a relationship with the shelter, and am friends with one of their adoption counselors. Guess that happens when you foster and adopt a bunch of cats.

2Cent

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 743
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6893 on: July 27, 2023, 03:23:07 AM »
Great to hear she didn't get the cat. Too many people where I live get a cat and then just let it roam outside all day as they don't want to deal with it in their house. Because it's an outdoor cat, they say. So we get cat poo in the sandbox, and the birds in our garden get killed or chased off.

TheGrimSqueaker

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2570
  • Location: A desert wasteland, where none but the weird survive
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6894 on: July 27, 2023, 09:32:05 AM »
Wouldn't help. I don't want to put them on the no-adoption list, and they don't distinguish based on age. I actually have a relationship with the shelter, and am friends with one of their adoption counselors. Guess that happens when you foster and adopt a bunch of cats.

You have friends in meow places.

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7228
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6895 on: July 27, 2023, 10:27:17 AM »
Wouldn't help. I don't want to put them on the no-adoption list, and they don't distinguish based on age. I actually have a relationship with the shelter, and am friends with one of their adoption counselors. Guess that happens when you foster and adopt a bunch of cats.

You have friends in meow places.

lol. Yes I do. It is handy at times.

Cassie

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7944
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6896 on: July 27, 2023, 11:45:40 AM »
I have rescued many old dogs and at 63 decided to get a Maltese puppy realizing that would be my last chance to have a puppy.  He is 6 now and when his older sister dies I will find him a buddy thatís around his age. A friend of mine is 78 and one of her 2 yorkies died and I encouraged her to get another older dog for her other dog.

 She got a puppy that is high energy and pulls her so she canít walk it and itís too high energy for her old dog. Sheís got a bunch of health issues and her kids wonít take the puppy so eventually it will end up in a shelter. I donít know why people canít be realistic about the limitations of aging. Ugh!!

glacio09

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 43
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6897 on: July 31, 2023, 11:03:01 AM »
I have rescued many old dogs and at 63 decided to get a Maltese puppy realizing that would be my last chance to have a puppy.  He is 6 now and when his older sister dies I will find him a buddy thatís around his age. A friend of mine is 78 and one of her 2 yorkies died and I encouraged her to get another older dog for her other dog.

 She got a puppy that is high energy and pulls her so she canít walk it and itís too high energy for her old dog. Sheís got a bunch of health issues and her kids wonít take the puppy so eventually it will end up in a shelter. I donít know why people canít be realistic about the limitations of aging. Ugh!!

My husband and I have had this conversation. We have three cats: 14, 13, and a 6 year old hurricane foster fail (the 2 weeks turned into 2 years). Once the two oldest go, the youngest probably won't handle it well since he's had siblings his whole life. We don't want to get stuck in a cycle of cats, so we've agreed that if he still has his orange cat energy, we'll get an older cat as a playmate. Animals are huge commitments and plans need to be put into place.

RetiredAt63

  • CMTO 2023 Attendees
  • Senior Mustachian
  • *
  • Posts: 20075
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6898 on: July 31, 2023, 01:57:22 PM »
I have rescued many old dogs and at 63 decided to get a Maltese puppy realizing that would be my last chance to have a puppy.  He is 6 now and when his older sister dies I will find him a buddy thatís around his age. A friend of mine is 78 and one of her 2 yorkies died and I encouraged her to get another older dog for her other dog.

 She got a puppy that is high energy and pulls her so she canít walk it and itís too high energy for her old dog. Sheís got a bunch of health issues and her kids wonít take the puppy so eventually it will end up in a shelter. I donít know why people canít be realistic about the limitations of aging. Ugh!!

My husband and I have had this conversation. We have three cats: 14, 13, and a 6 year old hurricane foster fail (the 2 weeks turned into 2 years). Once the two oldest go, the youngest probably won't handle it well since he's had siblings his whole life. We don't want to get stuck in a cycle of cats, so we've agreed that if he still has his orange cat energy, we'll get an older cat as a playmate. Animals are huge commitments and plans need to be put into place.

My most recent cat came to me at about age 7 (? she is a rescue).  No young cat energy for me any more, and I don't want her to have to be re-homed because I need a seniors residence.

pasadenafr

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 267
  • Age: 49
  • Location: Upper Left Corner, USA
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6899 on: July 31, 2023, 05:15:44 PM »
My most recent cat came to me at about age 7 (? she is a rescue).  No young cat energy for me any more, and I don't want her to have to be re-homed because I need a seniors residence.

I got into fostering because I didn't want to adopt a young cat when I knew I would be relocating back to Europe in less than 10 years, but I also don't want to put an older cat through that (again), and I need my kitten fix.

Now I've volunteered to also foster older and/or special needs cat so I still get my cat fix without the zoomies, while offering comfort and love to a cat that would otherwise stay in a cage forever.

Maybe I will adopt a young one when I finally retire, but I already know it will be my last. Any later than that and I'll get a senior or two instead.

I am *not* dying with a pet that will end up in a shelter. Nope.