Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 3047288 times)

charis

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6400 on: April 19, 2021, 11:41:34 AM »
Not a family member: an ex (you'll see why quickly) had said she was more used to someone who spent more money on her. The kicker was, weeks earlier she was complaining that her ex had left her with ~8k in credit card debt (aka they had a joint card, and that was how 'he' was spending money on her).

I had an ex break up with me over money after dating for about 6 months.  She figured out that we both spent about the same annually but I made a little over twice what she did.  She said that me hoarding money like that was just greedy and she thought she was dating someone with a better sense of the purpose of money.  Wow, and here I thought my $42k/yr spend rate created quite the cushy life.

Wow, I would think someone with a little bit of intelligence would start to think of the value of your savings going down the road.  I bet you are grateful you didn't end up with her.

How did she figure it out?  I wonder if people like this are worried that this signifies something bad about the relationship or their financial future?  Granted, 6 months isn't really long enough to suggest a long term relationship, and it sounds like it was for the best to break up.  I wonder when makes sense to reveal your money position and philosophy to a significant other, early on (weed people out) or wait until it gets serious (so you know they probably aren't just after your money)?

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6401 on: April 19, 2021, 01:38:17 PM »
Not a family member: an ex (you'll see why quickly) had said she was more used to someone who spent more money on her. The kicker was, weeks earlier she was complaining that her ex had left her with ~8k in credit card debt (aka they had a joint card, and that was how 'he' was spending money on her).

I had an ex break up with me over money after dating for about 6 months.  She figured out that we both spent about the same annually but I made a little over twice what she did.  She said that me hoarding money like that was just greedy and she thought she was dating someone with a better sense of the purpose of money.  Wow, and here I thought my $42k/yr spend rate created quite the cushy life.

Wow, I would think someone with a little bit of intelligence would start to think of the value of your savings going down the road.  I bet you are grateful you didn't end up with her.

How did she figure it out?  I wonder if people like this are worried that this signifies something bad about the relationship or their financial future?  Granted, 6 months isn't really long enough to suggest a long term relationship, and it sounds like it was for the best to break up.  I wonder when makes sense to reveal your money position and philosophy to a significant other, early on (weed people out) or wait until it gets serious (so you know they probably aren't just after your money)?

We started to discuss money quite quickly, for practical reasons: what's the budget for going to a restaurant? What's the amount of money we're going to spend on our first joint holiday? Etc etc. I think we were completely open about money about 6 months into the relationship, which is also when we moved in together. I think it's important to talk about money early on, maybe not about specific figures yet, but I feel it's important to tell early on that I'm frugal by choice. I'm not poor, this is how I want to live forever. If that's not your thing, fine, but then you're not the one for me.

AMandM

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6402 on: April 19, 2021, 11:07:20 PM »
We opened 529 accounts for my nephews...

As a Canadian, I always read sentences like this and immediately think "Why so many?"


;-)

That's a LOT of nieces and nephews! ;-)

Dicey

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6403 on: April 20, 2021, 07:23:41 AM »
I'm confused -- why would you send the money to the parent(s) instead of the now adult directly?
Several reasons. They're a very tight knit family. Doing that would piss the parents off. Next, I believe should send out their own damn graduation announcements, and we know that didn't happen. Third, I know they are struggling financially and this was a way to accept help without losing face. It's not the helping that bothers me, it's the lack of transparency (no idea what the kids got) and the lack of response.

In retrospect, I think our friendship may have just run it's course. These friends have become extremely conserva"T"ive and the divisions may have become too deep to overcome. However, I made a promise to myself and to the girls that I felt important to keep. I did and it's done. I love them and wish them well, but life moves on and I get that.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6404 on: April 20, 2021, 07:49:21 AM »
I'm confused -- why would you send the money to the parent(s) instead of the now adult directly?
Several reasons. They're a very tight knit family. Doing that would piss the parents off.

Any parent who would be pissed off you gave money to their ADULT children for their school expenses, with no strings attached, is someone you should ditch as  a friend.   Their head isn't on straight.


AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6405 on: April 20, 2021, 07:58:44 AM »
...
Any parent who would be pissed off you gave money to their ADULT children for their school expenses, with no strings attached, is someone you should ditch as  a friend.   Their head isn't on straight.

Agreed.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6406 on: April 20, 2021, 08:02:19 AM »
I'm confused -- why would you send the money to the parent(s) instead of the now adult directly?
Several reasons. They're a very tight knit family. Doing that would piss the parents off.

Any parent who would be pissed off you gave money to their ADULT children for their school expenses, with no strings attached, is someone you should ditch as  a friend.   Their head isn't on straight.

I get how some parents would perceive it as an irreparable loss of face. Some people value their pride more than anything, because it's all they have.

Still, if graduation announcements were a norm, they should have done it. And most importantly, thanked Dicey for the contribution. Not doing that is just ungrateful.

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6407 on: April 20, 2021, 09:48:12 AM »
I think it's important to talk about money early on, maybe not about specific figures yet, but I feel it's important to tell early on that I'm frugal by choice. I'm not poor, this is how I want to live forever. If that's not your thing, fine, but then you're not the one for me.

Everyone should date one of these people or be aware of them anyhow. I dated one off and on for a while. I was pretty naive back then. Am glad the topic presented itself when it did. It was clear indication to me that we should go our separate ways. A fundamental problem that was insurmountable. 

It was about then that I realized we were getting serious but not talking about the serious things that couples need to communicate about when trying to build a long term relationship. Fortunately DW came along when she did (a couple years later).

Oroadsm

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6408 on: May 01, 2021, 05:40:56 PM »


[/quote]

I have opened an investment account in my name with my niece as a beneficiary and will do the same for future nieces or nephews. That way I can control the money until they are old enough to deal with it themselves if I don’t die before that.

For birthdays and Christmas I make a deposit instead of buying some crap. She actually likes books so maybe I will end up buying presents sometimes but I prefer this way. I tell my sister that I have deposited money into the account.
[/quote]

We did this for 4 of our nieces and nephews, but as a custodial account -- the beneficiary idea is much better. With a custodial account, the money is automatically theirs at 21, no matter whether they are ready or not for a windfall at that age.  We opened the accounts when they were born and put in $25/month.  The oldest just received over $14,000 -- the stock market was very good to him.

The other 2 got a 529 account after I realized the custodial mistake.

partgypsy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6409 on: May 03, 2021, 10:16:49 AM »
I think it's important to talk about money early on, maybe not about specific figures yet, but I feel it's important to tell early on that I'm frugal by choice. I'm not poor, this is how I want to live forever. If that's not your thing, fine, but then you're not the one for me.

Everyone should date one of these people or be aware of them anyhow. I dated one off and on for a while. I was pretty naive back then. Am glad the topic presented itself when it did. It was clear indication to me that we should go our separate ways. A fundamental problem that was insurmountable. 

It was about then that I realized we were getting serious but not talking about the serious things that couples need to communicate about when trying to build a long term relationship. Fortunately DW came along when she did (a couple years later).

I am long term casually seeing a guy. One of the reasons I am attracted to him is that he works hard and basically saves his money (puts his money into his properties); he sees money as a tool and not to waste it. Sometimes he does verge into tightwad (being cheap for the sake of it) category, but overall it is a refreshing change from my ex who is a decent person but has no sense about money (still doesn't).

I do have to admit that the one area I still have a hang up about are people who are in the prime of their life and choose not to work or underwork. It has to do with how I was raised (and also knowing examples of people who lived like that who ended up in difficulties because they were no longer healthy 20 year olds living on little who also could just pick up jobs when they felt like it).   
« Last Edit: May 03, 2021, 10:19:33 AM by partgypsy »

AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6410 on: May 03, 2021, 02:16:49 PM »
...

I do have to admit that the one area I still have a hang up about are people who are in the prime of their life and choose not to work or underwork. It has to do with how I was raised (and also knowing examples of people who lived like that who ended up in difficulties because they were no longer healthy 20 year olds living on little who also could just pick up jobs when they felt like it).

But that is like my goal! :-)  Granted I may be a little to the right of prime but not that much.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6411 on: May 04, 2021, 02:35:09 AM »
I feel really bad for these kids. How can they ever be as wonderful as their parents believe?

I'm late to this party, but I was missing just the other day over how weird it is that we believe our children are obviously the most wonderful, fascinating children in existence - but also recognise that the odds are that they're pretty average. We have a very articulate three year old who can speak in complex sentences and has memorised several books but has only recently learned to take his own trousers off and sometimes loses the ability to reliably count to four.

My parents insist that he's a genius. No, I think he's brilliant but he's clearly ahead of the curve in some areas and behind in others which makes him... drumroll... average. AND THAT'S OK. He's got YEARS to find his real talents and interests, and figure out what he wants from life. And y'know, maybe he'll grow up to be a bin man and just potter along in life providing an essential service to hundreds of people every day. Because right now, our local bin men are his heroes. He doesn't have to be Prime Minister or win a Nobel Prize or be a NYT bestseller to be a good human being.

It makes me really cross and sad when believing that your children are great turns into insisting that they're great at everything. It looks like conditional love to the children, and if they're not superhumanly brave they'll never want to risk testing if it is or not by asserting themselves or trying something they might fail at.

partgypsy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6412 on: May 04, 2021, 06:33:47 AM »
...

I do have to admit that the one area I still have a hang up about are people who are in the prime of their life and choose not to work or underwork. It has to do with how I was raised (and also knowing examples of people who lived like that who ended up in difficulties because they were no longer healthy 20 year olds living on little who also could just pick up jobs when they felt like it).

But that is like my goal! :-)  Granted I may be a little to the right of prime but not that much.

That's why I'm not a true mustachian, can't buck that part of my programming.

partgypsy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6413 on: May 04, 2021, 06:39:32 AM »
I feel really bad for these kids. How can they ever be as wonderful as their parents believe?

I'm late to this party, but I was missing just the other day over how weird it is that we believe our children are obviously the most wonderful, fascinating children in existence - but also recognise that the odds are that they're pretty average. We have a very articulate three year old who can speak in complex sentences and has memorised several books but has only recently learned to take his own trousers off and sometimes loses the ability to reliably count to four.

My parents insist that he's a genius. No, I think he's brilliant but he's clearly ahead of the curve in some areas and behind in others which makes him... drumroll... average. AND THAT'S OK. He's got YEARS to find his real talents and interests, and figure out what he wants from life. And y'know, maybe he'll grow up to be a bin man and just potter along in life providing an essential service to hundreds of people every day. Because right now, our local bin men are his heroes. He doesn't have to be Prime Minister or win a Nobel Prize or be a NYT bestseller to be a good human being.

It makes me really cross and sad when believing that your children are great turns into insisting that they're great at everything. It looks like conditional love to the children, and if they're not superhumanly brave they'll never want to risk testing if it is or not by asserting themselves or trying something they might fail at.
I do think that it is important to show your kids unconditonal love. That no matter what you have their back. For me the thing I have fallen down on, was my parents were a weird mix of strict in some things and permissive/absentee parenting in other areas. And because I work I have def been more on the permissive (oh they'll turn out OK) with occasional freakouts that I'm not doing what I need to do to prepare them for the world.

But I understand that kid thing. I think both of my kids are really special. Not necessarily the most smart, talented, etc person in the world or in any one dimension, but in the way that they are (I'm starting to sound like Mr. Rogers). It is funny though my youngest kid said to me "You are the 2nd most smartest person I know". I said "who is the first?" and she answered her older daughter (whom she idolizes a little).  First reaction was "aw that is nice" 2nd thought,  you need to get out more. I will fully admit even though I have a PhD and was not a slouch in my day, my older daughter is smarter than me in the traditional way (school, exams, abstract reasoning - if it is logic based games she destroys us). I also know pure smarts is not a predictor of predictor of success. 
« Last Edit: May 04, 2021, 06:43:03 AM by partgypsy »

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6414 on: May 04, 2021, 06:43:23 AM »
It makes me really cross and sad when believing that your children are great turns into insisting that they're great at everything. It looks like conditional love to the children, and if they're not superhumanly brave they'll never want to risk testing if it is or not by asserting themselves or trying something they might fail at.

You are SO RIGHT!

And that fear of failing is one of the biggest self-imprisonment reasons there is.


DadJokes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6415 on: May 10, 2021, 09:37:42 AM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6416 on: May 10, 2021, 09:57:35 AM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

"You've brought this up at least seven times!   WHY is my buying a Peloton so VERY IMPORTANT to you?  Please explain."

Or, alternatively, if you really don't give a rat's ass why it's important to them and have absolutely no interest in hearing their explanation and don't mind pissing them off to get them to STFU about it,

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Clarity in communication is important. :)

RWD

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6417 on: May 10, 2021, 09:58:24 AM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

Another reason to avoid Peloton:
https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/05/business/peloton-treadmill-recall/index.html

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6418 on: May 10, 2021, 10:01:11 AM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

Another reason to avoid Peloton:
https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/05/business/peloton-treadmill-recall/index.html

Apparently you can do Peloton activities with much cheaper stationary bikes? I have a pretty sensible Facebook friend (I mean, not a Mustachian or anything, but appears to live within her means and doesn't do fancy shit just to do fancy shit) who has gone this route. I don't quite understand how it works but I think she pays for a subscription of some kind and she seems really happy with the arrangement, especially in the quarantimes.

But pressuring someone else is just weird. Who cares?

DadJokes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6419 on: May 10, 2021, 10:06:52 AM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

"You've brought this up at least seven times!   WHY is my buying a Peloton so VERY IMPORTANT to you?  Please explain."

Or, alternatively, if you really don't give a rat's ass why it's important to them and have absolutely no interest in hearing their explanation and don't mind pissing them off to get them to STFU about it,

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Clarity in communication is important. :)

I have made myself clear. My wife is already upset that I'm as blunt as I am, so having more clarity isn't an option. And SIL would happily share why she thinks we need to get one.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6420 on: May 10, 2021, 10:29:59 AM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

"You've brought this up at least seven times!   WHY is my buying a Peloton so VERY IMPORTANT to you?  Please explain."

Or, alternatively, if you really don't give a rat's ass why it's important to them and have absolutely no interest in hearing their explanation and don't mind pissing them off to get them to STFU about it,

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Clarity in communication is important. :)

I have made myself clear. My wife is already upset that I'm as blunt as I am, so having more clarity isn't an option. And SIL would happily share why she thinks we need to get one.

Bummerific on your wife not wanting you to be more blunt.  :(

You may have been grammatically clear, but you apparently haven't been emotionally clear, in that your SIL has failed to internalize the concept of "Don't ask him about that anymore."   Is there something that you can ask her about that she won't want to talk about?   If so, instead of answering her question, ask your own.    Then you can be very solicitous in your concern for her and her embarrassing problem.  VERY.

If nothing else, just change the subject to something else every single time.  Don't respond to the question directly at all.

Oh, by the way, a time-honored way of messing with someone explaining something you don't really want to hear is to be REALLY ATTENTIVE and REALLY INTERESTED in what they are telling you.   So VERY INTERESTED in fact that you just can't help yourself and constantly interrupt them with clarifying questions for more detail.   Absurd, pointless detail.   Ask what color the trim was on the car that hit them?   Or if the other driver wore glasses?  What color frames?  Designer frames?    Sunglasses or prescription glasses.   Inane, pointless, but OH SO VERY INTERESTED AND EXCITED questions.   It will take all the joy out of telling you whatever they were going to tell you about.    Don't know if you can use it, but perhaps it might come in handy for someone.

If you can't set boundaries one way, let them set it for themselves.   Maybe you can get them to tell you all about the glories of whatever the heck a peloton is and pull this stunt on them. (And no one need explain what a peloton is to me, I don't care. :) )

AMandM

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6421 on: May 10, 2021, 10:38:59 AM »
Maybe every time SIL tells you to buy a peloton you can tell her to make her own laundry detergent.
She: It's crazy that you still don't have one!
You: It's crazy that you still buy the commercial stuff!
She: Pelotons are so cool!
You: Homemade laundry detergent is so cheap!
etc.

DadJokes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6422 on: May 10, 2021, 12:30:35 PM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

"You've brought this up at least seven times!   WHY is my buying a Peloton so VERY IMPORTANT to you?  Please explain."

Or, alternatively, if you really don't give a rat's ass why it's important to them and have absolutely no interest in hearing their explanation and don't mind pissing them off to get them to STFU about it,

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Clarity in communication is important. :)

I have made myself clear. My wife is already upset that I'm as blunt as I am, so having more clarity isn't an option. And SIL would happily share why she thinks we need to get one.

Bummerific on your wife not wanting you to be more blunt.  :(

You may have been grammatically clear, but you apparently haven't been emotionally clear, in that your SIL has failed to internalize the concept of "Don't ask him about that anymore."   Is there something that you can ask her about that she won't want to talk about?   If so, instead of answering her question, ask your own.    Then you can be very solicitous in your concern for her and her embarrassing problem.  VERY.

If nothing else, just change the subject to something else every single time.  Don't respond to the question directly at all.

Oh, by the way, a time-honored way of messing with someone explaining something you don't really want to hear is to be REALLY ATTENTIVE and REALLY INTERESTED in what they are telling you.   So VERY INTERESTED in fact that you just can't help yourself and constantly interrupt them with clarifying questions for more detail.   Absurd, pointless detail.   Ask what color the trim was on the car that hit them?   Or if the other driver wore glasses?  What color frames?  Designer frames?    Sunglasses or prescription glasses.   Inane, pointless, but OH SO VERY INTERESTED AND EXCITED questions.   It will take all the joy out of telling you whatever they were going to tell you about.    Don't know if you can use it, but perhaps it might come in handy for someone.

If you can't set boundaries one way, let them set it for themselves.   Maybe you can get them to tell you all about the glories of whatever the heck a peloton is and pull this stunt on them. (And no one need explain what a peloton is to me, I don't care. :) )

Look, I didn't post that looking for advice. I posted it to rant anonymously on the internet. This thread isn't really intended for seeking advice.

I know this individual well enough to know that the only thing that gets her to stop going on about whatever new fad she's into is to wait until she's on to a new fad or burn the bridge. I'm not burning a bridge over something that dumb. If I had a choice in the matter, I'd stop going to family functions for a host of other reasons, but I value my marriage more than that.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6423 on: May 10, 2021, 06:48:57 PM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

"You've brought this up at least seven times!   WHY is my buying a Peloton so VERY IMPORTANT to you?  Please explain."

Or, alternatively, if you really don't give a rat's ass why it's important to them and have absolutely no interest in hearing their explanation and don't mind pissing them off to get them to STFU about it,

"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."

Clarity in communication is important. :)

I have made myself clear. My wife is already upset that I'm as blunt as I am, so having more clarity isn't an option. And SIL would happily share why she thinks we need to get one.

Bummerific on your wife not wanting you to be more blunt.  :(

You may have been grammatically clear, but you apparently haven't been emotionally clear, in that your SIL has failed to internalize the concept of "Don't ask him about that anymore."   Is there something that you can ask her about that she won't want to talk about?   If so, instead of answering her question, ask your own.    Then you can be very solicitous in your concern for her and her embarrassing problem.  VERY.

If nothing else, just change the subject to something else every single time.  Don't respond to the question directly at all.

Oh, by the way, a time-honored way of messing with someone explaining something you don't really want to hear is to be REALLY ATTENTIVE and REALLY INTERESTED in what they are telling you.   So VERY INTERESTED in fact that you just can't help yourself and constantly interrupt them with clarifying questions for more detail.   Absurd, pointless detail.   Ask what color the trim was on the car that hit them?   Or if the other driver wore glasses?  What color frames?  Designer frames?    Sunglasses or prescription glasses.   Inane, pointless, but OH SO VERY INTERESTED AND EXCITED questions.   It will take all the joy out of telling you whatever they were going to tell you about.    Don't know if you can use it, but perhaps it might come in handy for someone.

If you can't set boundaries one way, let them set it for themselves.   Maybe you can get them to tell you all about the glories of whatever the heck a peloton is and pull this stunt on them. (And no one need explain what a peloton is to me, I don't care. :) )

Look, I didn't post that looking for advice. I posted it to rant anonymously on the internet. This thread isn't really intended for seeking advice.

I know this individual well enough to know that the only thing that gets her to stop going on about whatever new fad she's into is to wait until she's on to a new fad or burn the bridge. I'm not burning a bridge over something that dumb. If I had a choice in the matter, I'd stop going to family functions for a host of other reasons, but I value my marriage more than that.

I've been on the receiving end of the "you need <product> as it will <provide intended effect>". This is about vehicles, house, expensive clothing, foods, etc.
First time, I reply "No. Nope. Never. Nada."
Second time: "If you really want to help, you should buy it for me, if you truly deeply madly care about me."
Shuts them up right there. Doesn't burn bridges. It is the same person every time, who's otherwise a fantastic relative with a big heart.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6424 on: May 11, 2021, 07:53:17 AM »
"I've already told you I am not going to do that six times already.   So STFU about it.   End of discussion."    And after they try to get in another word about it, 'cause they most likely will, "What part of STFU about this did you NOT understand?   Do I need to use simpler words?"    And when they tell you that you don't have to get all angry about it, "Well, apparently I DO -- because the last SIX TIMES I was polite about it didn't get you to STFU about it."
Does anyone else experience something similar to the bolded part when dealing with children?

Kid: "Dad, you don't have to get mad at me about it!"
Me:  "Well, apparently I do, because when I asked you six times nicely to do your chores, you ignored me."

merula

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6425 on: May 11, 2021, 08:10:54 AM »
Does anyone else experience something similar to the bolded part when dealing with children?

Kid: "Dad, you don't have to get mad at me about it!"
Me:  "Well, apparently I do, because when I asked you six times nicely to do your chores, you ignored me."

Oooooooh yes! "You don't have to yell." "Did you listen when I asked you the first three times? Did you even respond?"

Jouer

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6426 on: May 11, 2021, 11:53:01 AM »
Between Easter and Mother's Day yesterday, I think my SIL has told us that we "need" to get a Peloton at least six times.

Apparently, it's not possible to lose weight or stay in shape if we don't spend $1,800 + $40/month for a stationary bike and a spin class.

However, I'm the villain when I tell her repeatedly that it's not happening.

Another reason to avoid Peloton:
https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/05/business/peloton-treadmill-recall/index.html

Apparently you can do Peloton activities with much cheaper stationary bikes? I have a pretty sensible Facebook friend (I mean, not a Mustachian or anything, but appears to live within her means and doesn't do fancy shit just to do fancy shit) who has gone this route. I don't quite understand how it works but I think she pays for a subscription of some kind and she seems really happy with the arrangement, especially in the quarantimes.

But pressuring someone else is just weird. Who cares?

That's right. You can download the app with a subscription. I did it last month as a free trial - regular price is $17/month. I use it on my $250 foldable bike...but it's more than just spin classes, there's barre, HITT, strength, etc. classes.

JoJo

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6427 on: July 06, 2021, 10:28:14 AM »
Sister and her family just made a $1000+ mistake.  They decided they wanted a dog, especially their teenage daughter wanted one.  BIL had a dog 20 years ago that they loved decided they want to get the same breed.  They bought a bunch of stuff, for example a great big kennel because you know they're going to need it once it grows up and the transfer the puppy home.  Paid $1500 for the puppy from a breeder several hours away.  Puppy proceeds to yelp all night long, chew up a bunch of stuff in the house and outdoors, bite everyone, including drawing blood on BIL, poop and pee multiple times in the house.  Three days later, even though they admit the dog is making progress and better behaved, the whole family is so traumatized, daughter is crying all the time, BIL is having heart palipatataions, that they do not want to keep this dog and they never want to have a dog again.    So they are returning the puppy.  Supposedly they are getting a partial refund but I think the breeder is keeping at least $500 for his trouble.

This same family regularly decides if there is something wrong with something, the best thing to do is get a new one or just not use... for example, they went thru a couple barely used RVs, bought a tent, wasn't big enough, bought another bigger tent, that was so big it was too big for most campgrounds, so now they don't camp at all.  They were complaining that they didn't have enough money to go on any summer trip this summer but then this dog thing.

On top of this, my parents want to throw an open house anniversary party.  Sister already decided she doesn't want to pitch in for various reasons (lots of people coming we don't know... parents friends, party is mid afternoon but parents wanted to serve a full meal rather than just cake and snacks so now 2 of us get to foot the full bill rather than 3...  Meanwhile, they are happy to take nearly annual gifts from parents that is many times the $100 or so they should pitch in for the party.  I am not looking forward to the day we need to settle the parents estate if they are having qualms over $100.

Malcat

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6428 on: July 06, 2021, 02:40:59 PM »
So they got a new puppy, and it acted like a puppy? And they freaked out because puppies act like puppies???

Well that's champion level fucking dumb.

Note: my family bred dogs for years, I've seen EVERY type of dumb fuck, fucking moron puppy buyer you could imagine.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6429 on: July 06, 2021, 02:42:18 PM »
Malcat, always calling like it is…

;-)

Malcat

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6430 on: July 06, 2021, 02:44:44 PM »
Malcat, always calling like it is…

;-)

It's my demure subtlety that makes me ever so popular.

pasadenafr

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6431 on: July 06, 2021, 02:49:57 PM »
So they got a new puppy, and it acted like a puppy? And they freaked out because puppies act like puppies???

Well that's champion level fucking dumb.

Note: my family bred dogs for years, I've seen EVERY type of dumb fuck, fucking moron puppy buyer you could imagine.

A puppy who was probably traumatized and scared, at that. Puppies should be adopted by people who have experience with raising baby dogs...

Nick_Miller

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6432 on: July 06, 2021, 02:58:59 PM »
Malcat, always calling like it is…

;-)

It's my demure subtlety that makes me ever so popular.

Wait, that can't possibly be right.

Nick_Miller

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6433 on: July 06, 2021, 03:00:27 PM »
Sister and her family just made a $1000+ mistake.  They decided they wanted a dog, especially their teenage daughter wanted one.  BIL had a dog 20 years ago that they loved decided they want to get the same breed.  They bought a bunch of stuff, for example a great big kennel because you know they're going to need it once it grows up and the transfer the puppy home.  Paid $1500 for the puppy from a breeder several hours away.  Puppy proceeds to yelp all night long, chew up a bunch of stuff in the house and outdoors, bite everyone, including drawing blood on BIL, poop and pee multiple times in the house.  Three days later, even though they admit the dog is making progress and better behaved, the whole family is so traumatized, daughter is crying all the time, BIL is having heart palipatataions, that they do not want to keep this dog and they never want to have a dog again.    So they are returning the puppy.  Supposedly they are getting a partial refund but I think the breeder is keeping at least $500 for his trouble.

This same family regularly decides if there is something wrong with something, the best thing to do is get a new one or just not use... for example, they went thru a couple barely used RVs, bought a tent, wasn't big enough, bought another bigger tent, that was so big it was too big for most campgrounds, so now they don't camp at all.  They were complaining that they didn't have enough money to go on any summer trip this summer but then this dog thing.

On top of this, my parents want to throw an open house anniversary party.  Sister already decided she doesn't want to pitch in for various reasons (lots of people coming we don't know... parents friends, party is mid afternoon but parents wanted to serve a full meal rather than just cake and snacks so now 2 of us get to foot the full bill rather than 3...  Meanwhile, they are happy to take nearly annual gifts from parents that is many times the $100 or so they should pitch in for the party.  I am not looking forward to the day we need to settle the parents estate if they are having qualms over $100.

I really think that folks considering getting a new pup should HAVE to "rent/borrow" a puppy from someone else for like 48 hours. It can be quite shocking when it's been a few years since your last one. Our pup is better now, but those first few days I'll admit that I kept wondering, "Geez did we make a huge mistake?"

ysette9

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6434 on: July 06, 2021, 03:26:06 PM »
Kind of like what I’ve been wondering ever since I brought my last baby home from the hospital

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6435 on: July 06, 2021, 05:03:46 PM »
There is a reason all my cats have been adult adoptees.  Kittens are so cute, with their needle-sharp teeth and their needle-sharp claws, and their nocturnal play time.

It's too bad we don't actually find babies under cabbages.  Then we could just return them there.  ;-)  Yes, when she was a baby DD could cry for 3 hours straight. She lived.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6436 on: July 06, 2021, 05:24:31 PM »
*sigh* I know a LOT of friends and family who have gotten puppies, only to regret them for a very, very long time.  One got a pair of huskies.  After several fines from the city when his puppies inevitably escaped from his yard, he gave them away.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6437 on: July 06, 2021, 06:06:23 PM »
I really think that folks considering getting a new pup should HAVE to "rent/borrow" a puppy from someone else for like 48 hours. It can be quite shocking when it's been a few years since your last one. Our pup is better now, but those first few days I'll admit that I kept wondering, "Geez did we make a huge mistake?"

We had the world’s best dog. She died a couple years ago at age 13-1/2. With COVID, we naturally got a dog - our first puppy - and we were shocked. This was after getting two kittens in COVID, so we were already at least partially primed. We definitely went through the “Geez did we make a huge mistake?” conversation multiple times, and we still do even though she’s 6+ months old and really a pretty great little dog. Puppydom is shocking with a good puppy. I’d hate to go through it with a difficult one.

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6438 on: July 07, 2021, 06:05:42 AM »
There is a reason all my cats have been adult adoptees.  Kittens are so cute, with their needle-sharp teeth and their needle-sharp claws, and their nocturnal play time.

It's too bad we don't actually find babies under cabbages.  Then we could just return them there.  ;-)  Yes, when she was a baby DD could cry for 3 hours straight. She lived.

We've been really lucky with kittens (I've raised 4 at this point). They all were happy to sleep on the bed with us or play quietly in a different part of the house at night. However, once the alarm went off in the morning, they were all over us to get up and feed/play with them. Hitting snooze was not an option. God help us if we wanted to sleep in past 6 am on a Saturday.

DadJokes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6439 on: July 07, 2021, 07:04:50 AM »
We got pretty lucky with our current dog. She's so well-behaved (except when company comes over).

We were at a friend's house for July 4, and their dog pooped and peed all over the house due to the fireworks, and it is a big dog. Our dog was not phased at all by fireworks in our neighborhood.

That said, we probably won't get another dog. They're so restricting. I can't stay out too long on a particular day, because we have to get home to let the dog out. It's actually more hassle to find care for the dog when we want to take a vacation than it is to get the in-laws to watch our toddler.

former player

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6440 on: July 07, 2021, 07:09:03 AM »
That said, we probably won't get another dog. They're so restricting. I can't stay out too long on a particular day, because we have to get home to let the dog out. It's actually more hassle to find care for the dog when we want to take a vacation than it is to get the in-laws to watch our toddler.
Dog owning friends are the answer.  My dog does very badly in kennels (it's how I got him: I happened to be in contact with the RSPCA the week he came in to their kennels and he was so upset they wanted him out as soon as possible) so I've made sure to build up a network of dog-owning people I meet out walking so that we can swop dog-sitting favours.  It's important the dog is sociable with people and other dogs and reasonably well trained, of course.

PMG

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6441 on: July 07, 2021, 07:23:14 AM »
After having a couple adult cats I got my first kitten last year and I’ve decided that I always want to live in a house with a kitten! She has unending energy and love and it turns out I do too!  Amazing.  In truth we don’t plan on another kitten any time soon, but this experience has been amazing. Our adult cat has definitely helped with the kitten raising and I’m guessing it’s the same with dogs. Two are a lot of work, but they are not two times the work.  I really have nothing of value to add… just… kittens. Gosh. I’m smitten.

Sibley

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6442 on: July 07, 2021, 08:09:47 AM »
I'm trying to decide if I should get a kitten, try with an adult, or just stick to just having Arwen. The issue is that Arwen doesn't like being the only cat, but she doesn't want to actually interact with the other cat. I have time for now because I still have parent's cats in the house, and once they move it will be a while before Arwen gets unhappy. I'm not really home enough for a kitten though.

Evildunk99

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6443 on: July 07, 2021, 09:20:44 AM »
My wife's family has a long history of pace punching financial moves.  She is actually an outlier now as the only one who is making sound decisions and financial progress.  I won't go into all of the stories (way too many examples), but I'll share some of the highlights below:

- MIL:  "we can't do auto-bill pay because FIL is a realtor, and we don't know when his commissions will come (every bill is practically always past due with added penalty fees)"

- MIL:  FIL sadly passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, and she received about $200k in insurance payouts.  There is $23k left in the account today.  Nothing to show for it.  No idea where it all went, but she doesn't work, so every day has to be a net outflow to fill the loss of FIL.

- BIL #1:  "Real estate here (mid-atlantic metro ex-burbs) is too expensive, I think we might move to FL in the next couple years because it's warmer and cheaper.  If I ever do buy a place here, it will be a rental property... my landlord makes a killing off of the triplex that we rent."  ($0 saved living paycheck to paycheck)

- Uncle #1 (approx 52 y/o) who thinks he's rich:  "Love del friscos, they treat me like a king there, I do like $50k / yr with them in business deals and family meals (fancy executive you ask? nope - mortgage broker / snake oil salesman)."

- Uncle #1:  "Yeah we're killing it this year, going to open up a couple new offices in FL, I go to the Ritz all the time in Orlando and they always hook me up, love it there!  - Shows pic of fancy rental car, disney, the whole vacation works -

- Uncle #1:  "Just got [his daughter] new wheels, wife got the new Lincoln Aviator, and I just traded in my 1 y/o BMW for the new fancy BMW... tight!"  - proceeds to show me how he can steer it out of the garage with a fob key - ... Uncle #1 foreclosed on his beach house, and had to downsize his primary in 2008... now has $200k in car loans, and talking about a vacation house in FL! lovely!

- Uncle #2:  Restaurant owner banking on his restaurant profits to retire off of.  He did nothing to change his business during 2020, instead he just dug into his savings to pay the lease each month, and closed.  During the holidays he was so stressed out that he pulled a gun on a guy who cut him off at a stop light.  Proceeds to blame everything on politics for why he's close to broke.  Fast forward to this spring after he re-opened... rolls up to the house in his brand new $90k truck, with his son right behind him in brand new muscle car that he bought for him.  Classic.

- Aunt #1:  You should really look into this boxing subscription, it's like peloton for boxing!  The bag is $1,500 and the classes are like $40/month.

- Uncle #3 - has a very profitable business, and can afford all of his fancy spending... but the waste is cringe worthy.  Has about 10 vehicles parked in his driveway, and is currently building a new house that is about 8,000 square feet (mansion). 

- Cousin #1:  We need a new car, I hate my Honda Pilot (huge pricey SUV).  Her husband was about to buy a brand new Yukon, but the wife nixed it because it's not big enough.  Fast forward a few weeks... "I love my new Yukon XL (or something like that that's even bigger), the kids love the TVs in the back.  She has 2 kids. 

- BIL #2:  25 y/o, asking me for advice on investing, personal finance, etc... wow good for him heading down the right path and seeking advice at such a young age!  I got him set up with a retirement account and contributions, and then a brokerage account for money he makes on his side hustles.  After a few months, he makes a couple thousand dollars in appreciation (the post-covid boom).  I ask him how it's going, and he said he emptied out his accounts to take profits, so he could add tinted windows, chrome wheels, and a new spoiler to the new Jeep that he just bought.  FACE PUNCH

I honestly don't know how my wife escaped this toxic family spending dynamic.

Cheers to you all for keeping me sane through the years!

dandarc

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6444 on: July 07, 2021, 09:29:13 AM »
Did you actually punch BIL #2 in the face? Seems possible that one could potentially be convinced of a better way, and maybe a punch in the face is just the right amount of force needed . . .

Evildunk99

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6445 on: July 07, 2021, 09:49:09 AM »
Did you actually punch BIL #2 in the face? Seems possible that one could potentially be convinced of a better way, and maybe a punch in the face is just the right amount of force needed . . .

Hahaha I would if he lived closer!

Sugaree

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6446 on: July 07, 2021, 09:57:58 AM »
I've probably mentioned that I've got an uncle who has a long history of making bad decisions, most of which involve money and/or women.  It's official.  He's bringing his fiancée over from Central America at the end of the month on a K1 visa.  So, I guess within the next 3 months or so I'll have a new aunt who's younger than me.  This will be wife #4.  And my uncle has had to go back to work at 67 in order to have the sufficient funds to sponsor her and her kids. 

dignam

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6447 on: July 07, 2021, 12:56:50 PM »
So they got a new puppy, and it acted like a puppy? And they freaked out because puppies act like puppies???

Well that's champion level fucking dumb.

Note: my family bred dogs for years, I've seen EVERY type of dumb fuck, fucking moron puppy buyer you could imagine.

I wish there were some type of stat we could obtain to see the proportion of returned puppies during covid vs. non-covid times.  I've raised several puppies, and some of the people getting puppies during covid I knew right away would either be shitty owners, or return the puppy.

PMG

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6448 on: July 07, 2021, 01:04:45 PM »
I'm trying to decide if I should get a kitten, try with an adult, or just stick to just having Arwen. The issue is that Arwen doesn't like being the only cat, but she doesn't want to actually interact with the other cat. I have time for now because I still have parent's cats in the house, and once they move it will be a while before Arwen gets unhappy. I'm not really home enough for a kitten though.

Could you go for a “teenager?”  Old enough to be a little calmer and independent but perhaps young enough for OG cat to maintain their role as ruler?

Psychstache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6449 on: July 07, 2021, 01:11:45 PM »
I really think that folks considering getting a new pup should HAVE to "rent/borrow" a puppy from someone else for like 48 hours. It can be quite shocking when it's been a few years since your last one. Our pup is better now, but those first few days I'll admit that I kept wondering, "Geez did we make a huge mistake?"

We had the world’s best dog. She died a couple years ago at age 13-1/2. With COVID, we naturally got a dog - our first puppy - and we were shocked. This was after getting two kittens in COVID, so we were already at least partially primed. We definitely went through the “Geez did we make a huge mistake?” conversation multiple times, and we still do even though she’s 6+ months old and really a pretty great little dog. Puppydom is shocking with a good puppy. I’d hate to go through it with a difficult one.

SO and I love dogs and will likely always have 1 in the house. I will NEVER adopt a puppy. Our current doggo was roughly 2ish when we got her and it has been perfect. Probably going to always stick to this age range in the future.