Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 2700162 times)

charis

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6400 on: April 19, 2021, 11:41:34 AM »
Not a family member: an ex (you'll see why quickly) had said she was more used to someone who spent more money on her. The kicker was, weeks earlier she was complaining that her ex had left her with ~8k in credit card debt (aka they had a joint card, and that was how 'he' was spending money on her).

I had an ex break up with me over money after dating for about 6 months.  She figured out that we both spent about the same annually but I made a little over twice what she did.  She said that me hoarding money like that was just greedy and she thought she was dating someone with a better sense of the purpose of money.  Wow, and here I thought my $42k/yr spend rate created quite the cushy life.

Wow, I would think someone with a little bit of intelligence would start to think of the value of your savings going down the road.  I bet you are grateful you didn't end up with her.

How did she figure it out?  I wonder if people like this are worried that this signifies something bad about the relationship or their financial future?  Granted, 6 months isn't really long enough to suggest a long term relationship, and it sounds like it was for the best to break up.  I wonder when makes sense to reveal your money position and philosophy to a significant other, early on (weed people out) or wait until it gets serious (so you know they probably aren't just after your money)?

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6401 on: April 19, 2021, 01:38:17 PM »
Not a family member: an ex (you'll see why quickly) had said she was more used to someone who spent more money on her. The kicker was, weeks earlier she was complaining that her ex had left her with ~8k in credit card debt (aka they had a joint card, and that was how 'he' was spending money on her).

I had an ex break up with me over money after dating for about 6 months.  She figured out that we both spent about the same annually but I made a little over twice what she did.  She said that me hoarding money like that was just greedy and she thought she was dating someone with a better sense of the purpose of money.  Wow, and here I thought my $42k/yr spend rate created quite the cushy life.

Wow, I would think someone with a little bit of intelligence would start to think of the value of your savings going down the road.  I bet you are grateful you didn't end up with her.

How did she figure it out?  I wonder if people like this are worried that this signifies something bad about the relationship or their financial future?  Granted, 6 months isn't really long enough to suggest a long term relationship, and it sounds like it was for the best to break up.  I wonder when makes sense to reveal your money position and philosophy to a significant other, early on (weed people out) or wait until it gets serious (so you know they probably aren't just after your money)?

We started to discuss money quite quickly, for practical reasons: what's the budget for going to a restaurant? What's the amount of money we're going to spend on our first joint holiday? Etc etc. I think we were completely open about money about 6 months into the relationship, which is also when we moved in together. I think it's important to talk about money early on, maybe not about specific figures yet, but I feel it's important to tell early on that I'm frugal by choice. I'm not poor, this is how I want to live forever. If that's not your thing, fine, but then you're not the one for me.

AMandM

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6402 on: April 19, 2021, 11:07:20 PM »
We opened 529 accounts for my nephews...

As a Canadian, I always read sentences like this and immediately think "Why so many?"


;-)

That's a LOT of nieces and nephews! ;-)

Dicey

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6403 on: April 20, 2021, 07:23:41 AM »
I'm confused -- why would you send the money to the parent(s) instead of the now adult directly?
Several reasons. They're a very tight knit family. Doing that would piss the parents off. Next, I believe should send out their own damn graduation announcements, and we know that didn't happen. Third, I know they are struggling financially and this was a way to accept help without losing face. It's not the helping that bothers me, it's the lack of transparency (no idea what the kids got) and the lack of response.

In retrospect, I think our friendship may have just run it's course. These friends have become extremely conserva"T"ive and the divisions may have become too deep to overcome. However, I made a promise to myself and to the girls that I felt important to keep. I did and it's done. I love them and wish them well, but life moves on and I get that.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6404 on: April 20, 2021, 07:49:21 AM »
I'm confused -- why would you send the money to the parent(s) instead of the now adult directly?
Several reasons. They're a very tight knit family. Doing that would piss the parents off.

Any parent who would be pissed off you gave money to their ADULT children for their school expenses, with no strings attached, is someone you should ditch as  a friend.   Their head isn't on straight.


AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6405 on: April 20, 2021, 07:58:44 AM »
...
Any parent who would be pissed off you gave money to their ADULT children for their school expenses, with no strings attached, is someone you should ditch as  a friend.   Their head isn't on straight.

Agreed.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6406 on: April 20, 2021, 08:02:19 AM »
I'm confused -- why would you send the money to the parent(s) instead of the now adult directly?
Several reasons. They're a very tight knit family. Doing that would piss the parents off.

Any parent who would be pissed off you gave money to their ADULT children for their school expenses, with no strings attached, is someone you should ditch as  a friend.   Their head isn't on straight.

I get how some parents would perceive it as an irreparable loss of face. Some people value their pride more than anything, because it's all they have.

Still, if graduation announcements were a norm, they should have done it. And most importantly, thanked Dicey for the contribution. Not doing that is just ungrateful.

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6407 on: April 20, 2021, 09:48:12 AM »
I think it's important to talk about money early on, maybe not about specific figures yet, but I feel it's important to tell early on that I'm frugal by choice. I'm not poor, this is how I want to live forever. If that's not your thing, fine, but then you're not the one for me.

Everyone should date one of these people or be aware of them anyhow. I dated one off and on for a while. I was pretty naive back then. Am glad the topic presented itself when it did. It was clear indication to me that we should go our separate ways. A fundamental problem that was insurmountable. 

It was about then that I realized we were getting serious but not talking about the serious things that couples need to communicate about when trying to build a long term relationship. Fortunately DW came along when she did (a couple years later).

Oroadsm

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6408 on: May 01, 2021, 05:40:56 PM »


[/quote]

I have opened an investment account in my name with my niece as a beneficiary and will do the same for future nieces or nephews. That way I can control the money until they are old enough to deal with it themselves if I donít die before that.

For birthdays and Christmas I make a deposit instead of buying some crap. She actually likes books so maybe I will end up buying presents sometimes but I prefer this way. I tell my sister that I have deposited money into the account.
[/quote]

We did this for 4 of our nieces and nephews, but as a custodial account -- the beneficiary idea is much better. With a custodial account, the money is automatically theirs at 21, no matter whether they are ready or not for a windfall at that age.  We opened the accounts when they were born and put in $25/month.  The oldest just received over $14,000 -- the stock market was very good to him.

The other 2 got a 529 account after I realized the custodial mistake.

partgypsy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6409 on: May 03, 2021, 10:16:49 AM »
I think it's important to talk about money early on, maybe not about specific figures yet, but I feel it's important to tell early on that I'm frugal by choice. I'm not poor, this is how I want to live forever. If that's not your thing, fine, but then you're not the one for me.

Everyone should date one of these people or be aware of them anyhow. I dated one off and on for a while. I was pretty naive back then. Am glad the topic presented itself when it did. It was clear indication to me that we should go our separate ways. A fundamental problem that was insurmountable. 

It was about then that I realized we were getting serious but not talking about the serious things that couples need to communicate about when trying to build a long term relationship. Fortunately DW came along when she did (a couple years later).

I am long term casually seeing a guy. One of the reasons I am attracted to him is that he works hard and basically saves his money (puts his money into his properties); he sees money as a tool and not to waste it. Sometimes he does verge into tightwad (being cheap for the sake of it) category, but overall it is a refreshing change from my ex who is a decent person but has no sense about money (still doesn't).

I do have to admit that the one area I still have a hang up about are people who are in the prime of their life and choose not to work or underwork. It has to do with how I was raised (and also knowing examples of people who lived like that who ended up in difficulties because they were no longer healthy 20 year olds living on little who also could just pick up jobs when they felt like it).   
« Last Edit: May 03, 2021, 10:19:33 AM by partgypsy »

AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6410 on: May 03, 2021, 02:16:49 PM »
...

I do have to admit that the one area I still have a hang up about are people who are in the prime of their life and choose not to work or underwork. It has to do with how I was raised (and also knowing examples of people who lived like that who ended up in difficulties because they were no longer healthy 20 year olds living on little who also could just pick up jobs when they felt like it).

But that is like my goal! :-)  Granted I may be a little to the right of prime but not that much.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6411 on: May 04, 2021, 02:35:09 AM »
I feel really bad for these kids. How can they ever be as wonderful as their parents believe?

I'm late to this party, but I was missing just the other day over how weird it is that we believe our children are obviously the most wonderful, fascinating children in existence - but also recognise that the odds are that they're pretty average. We have a very articulate three year old who can speak in complex sentences and has memorised several books but has only recently learned to take his own trousers off and sometimes loses the ability to reliably count to four.

My parents insist that he's a genius. No, I think he's brilliant but he's clearly ahead of the curve in some areas and behind in others which makes him... drumroll... average. AND THAT'S OK. He's got YEARS to find his real talents and interests, and figure out what he wants from life. And y'know, maybe he'll grow up to be a bin man and just potter along in life providing an essential service to hundreds of people every day. Because right now, our local bin men are his heroes. He doesn't have to be Prime Minister or win a Nobel Prize or be a NYT bestseller to be a good human being.

It makes me really cross and sad when believing that your children are great turns into insisting that they're great at everything. It looks like conditional love to the children, and if they're not superhumanly brave they'll never want to risk testing if it is or not by asserting themselves or trying something they might fail at.

partgypsy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6412 on: May 04, 2021, 06:33:47 AM »
...

I do have to admit that the one area I still have a hang up about are people who are in the prime of their life and choose not to work or underwork. It has to do with how I was raised (and also knowing examples of people who lived like that who ended up in difficulties because they were no longer healthy 20 year olds living on little who also could just pick up jobs when they felt like it).

But that is like my goal! :-)  Granted I may be a little to the right of prime but not that much.

That's why I'm not a true mustachian, can't buck that part of my programming.

partgypsy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6413 on: May 04, 2021, 06:39:32 AM »
I feel really bad for these kids. How can they ever be as wonderful as their parents believe?

I'm late to this party, but I was missing just the other day over how weird it is that we believe our children are obviously the most wonderful, fascinating children in existence - but also recognise that the odds are that they're pretty average. We have a very articulate three year old who can speak in complex sentences and has memorised several books but has only recently learned to take his own trousers off and sometimes loses the ability to reliably count to four.

My parents insist that he's a genius. No, I think he's brilliant but he's clearly ahead of the curve in some areas and behind in others which makes him... drumroll... average. AND THAT'S OK. He's got YEARS to find his real talents and interests, and figure out what he wants from life. And y'know, maybe he'll grow up to be a bin man and just potter along in life providing an essential service to hundreds of people every day. Because right now, our local bin men are his heroes. He doesn't have to be Prime Minister or win a Nobel Prize or be a NYT bestseller to be a good human being.

It makes me really cross and sad when believing that your children are great turns into insisting that they're great at everything. It looks like conditional love to the children, and if they're not superhumanly brave they'll never want to risk testing if it is or not by asserting themselves or trying something they might fail at.
I do think that it is important to show your kids unconditonal love. That no matter what you have their back. For me the thing I have fallen down on, was my parents were a weird mix of strict in some things and permissive/absentee parenting in other areas. And because I work I have def been more on the permissive (oh they'll turn out OK) with occasional freakouts that I'm not doing what I need to do to prepare them for the world.

But I understand that kid thing. I think both of my kids are really special. Not necessarily the most smart, talented, etc person in the world or in any one dimension, but in the way that they are (I'm starting to sound like Mr. Rogers). It is funny though my youngest kid said to me "You are the 2nd most smartest person I know". I said "who is the first?" and she answered her older daughter (whom she idolizes a little).  First reaction was "aw that is nice" 2nd thought,  you need to get out more. I will fully admit even though I have a PhD and was not a slouch in my day, my older daughter is smarter than me in the traditional way (school, exams, abstract reasoning - if it is logic based games she destroys us). I also know pure smarts is not a predictor of predictor of success. 
« Last Edit: May 04, 2021, 06:43:03 AM by partgypsy »

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6414 on: May 04, 2021, 06:43:23 AM »
It makes me really cross and sad when believing that your children are great turns into insisting that they're great at everything. It looks like conditional love to the children, and if they're not superhumanly brave they'll never want to risk testing if it is or not by asserting themselves or trying something they might fail at.

You are SO RIGHT!

And that fear of failing is one of the biggest self-imprisonment reasons there is.