Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 3389687 times)

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6200 on: January 25, 2021, 11:47:13 AM »
Thanks Pachnik!!

ysette9

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6201 on: January 25, 2021, 01:25:10 PM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

Sugaree

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6202 on: January 26, 2021, 05:31:21 AM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

I never thought I'd have a favorite public transportation system until I spent a week using the Metro in Paris.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6203 on: January 26, 2021, 05:40:22 AM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

I never thought I'd have a favorite public transportation system until I spent a week using the Metro in Paris.

The Paris metro was my favorite too, until I travelled to Singapore.

« Last Edit: January 26, 2021, 05:43:40 AM by Adventine »

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6204 on: January 26, 2021, 06:33:39 AM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

I never thought I'd have a favorite public transportation system until I spent a week using the Metro in Paris.

The Paris metro was my favorite too, until I travelled to Singapore.

I'm in the Netherlands and I use public transit all the time, including to my many hospital appointments in a different city. We don't have a car (or driver's licenses) No problem at all.

It's a shame it doesn't work like that in other countries, especially as disabled and people with chronic illnesses are both statistically less likely to drive and less likely to have a long-term relationship.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6205 on: January 26, 2021, 06:46:55 AM »
@Imma Once this pandemic dies down, I'm looking forward to another Europe visit. One of my main criteria for choosing where to go will be the ease of public transportation.

(Says someone who will soon be obliged to live without decent public transportation and have to learn how to drive on heart-attack-inducing American highways)

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6206 on: January 26, 2021, 06:58:57 AM »
@Imma Once this pandemic dies down, I'm looking forward to another Europe visit. One of my main criteria for choosing where to go will be the ease of public transportation.

(Says someone who will soon be obliged to live without decent public transportation and have to learn how to drive on heart-attack-inducing American highways)

I have travelled all over Europe by train and that's pretty easy in many countries. Even outside urban areas. Countries where travelling by public transportation is easy: the Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, UK, southern Sweden, southern Finland, Prague (did not visit the rest of the Czech Republic). It was more difficult to get around in rural Ireland. Urban Ireland is fine. Rural UK is much less rural than Ireland so was generally fairly ok. Will bring a bike on the Eurostar next time I'm visiting the UK. I wouldn't ecommend riding a bike in very urban areas there but I would feel comfortable cycling in rural areas. You do see Brits cycling in the cities but it looks extremely scary to me (and as a Dutchie I'm generally very comfortable on a bike).

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6207 on: January 26, 2021, 07:01:48 AM »
@Imma thanks, adding all those places to my wishlist!

the_hobbitish

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6208 on: January 26, 2021, 07:05:29 AM »
I loved the metro system in Tokyo. It goes everywhere and is very easy to navigate even with the language barrier.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6209 on: January 26, 2021, 07:08:00 AM »
Back on topic: I love my sisters but they simply do not understand my reasons for keeping my old, low end smartphone. They know I can easily afford a new high-end phone, just that I'm too cheap to do so.

I regularly brush them off with a cheerful, "I could, but I have other priorities" and a big smile. Like clockwork, they make sulky sounds, roll their eyes, and go back to browsing Instagram on their own phones that cost twice or thrice as mine.

I keep smiling and return to reading my library e-books on my own beat up phone.

This has been going on for years.

***
EDIT as I hit post at the same time as @the_hobbitish : Tokyo is another entry on my travel bucket list. And New Zealand in general, to fulfill my 15 year old LOTR--related dreams.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2021, 07:11:00 AM by Adventine »

snacky

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6210 on: January 26, 2021, 07:25:59 AM »
Mexico city has fantastic public transit. I was surprised and extremely pleased.

RWD

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6211 on: January 26, 2021, 07:35:15 AM »
I loved the metro system in Tokyo. It goes everywhere and is very easy to navigate even with the language barrier.
EDIT as I hit post at the same time as @the_hobbitish : Tokyo is another entry on my travel bucket list. And New Zealand in general, to fulfill my 15 year old LOTR--related dreams.
The train system in Japan is incredible. We visited in 2019 and it blew me away (and I was expecting it to be good). We went all over Tokyo and also took the Shinkansen to Kyoto and Hiroshima. Went as far out as Kure by rail. It just goes everywhere and the trains are nearly constant. Miss a train? No problem, just wait a couple minutes. Even the Shinkansen is leaving every 5-10 minutes (in whichever direction you might want to go from Tokyo).

eyesonthehorizon

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6212 on: January 26, 2021, 09:43:38 AM »
Taipei's metro railway was impeccably clean, bright, timely, & safe, plus incredibly easy to use. Public transit doesn't have to suck; it just does in the US for many of the same reasons social services do - strategic underfunding as "motivation" to "upgrade" to commuter car culture. Lots of arguments that bus-users don't contribute to roadway maintenance via gasoline tax (though I'd imagine it's priced into a bus ticket....)

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6213 on: January 26, 2021, 10:47:14 AM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

pachnik

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6214 on: January 26, 2021, 11:05:14 AM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

Interesting stuff here mm1970.   A person can become an alcoholic at any age for sure.  It seems unusual to me too but I know it isn't. 

I am 56 and my husband is 63.  I am lots of his social interaction but he's also close to one brother that lives fairly close.   And I am on the look out for friends since my closest friend's mental illness took over her life.  Very tragic.  I stay in touch as she is able which isn't very much.  So, on the lookout!

Plina

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6215 on: January 26, 2021, 02:00:06 PM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 


Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.



I love the conclusion I donít need to get married to get land. Go girl! My mothers acquitances ask if I have a partner and my mothers response was that I donít  want to become someones maid. The reply from the older ladies was: she is so right!

About the negativity, in my experience it is often related to limited interaction with others or lack of purpose or things to do.

ysette9

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6216 on: January 26, 2021, 02:06:49 PM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

I never thought I'd have a favorite public transportation system until I spent a week using the Metro in Paris.
I love love love the metro in Paris.

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6217 on: January 26, 2021, 02:33:57 PM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home. And we are childless - a lot of my old friends form new friendship groups through their children's activities, and none of them still live in this area. We still meet up every now and then and have fun but we're not as close as we used to be. I don't really meet childless women in their 30s that often. I don't need tons of extremely close friends but I'd like to have a few friends, not vague acquintances, who live locally.

My s/o has a lot of friends, but men bond differently it seems. They just drink beer and watch a game. He'll go and meet his friends and when he comes back I'll ask how friend's wife or kids are doing he'll just say they didn't discuss that at all.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6218 on: January 26, 2021, 06:51:12 PM »
Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home.


My mom moved to one of those gated communities for seniors.   There was a lot of turnover there too.   The difference is rather important.   Although you can visit with people who leave either community, none of the folks leaving hers could talk back.   There was a constant stream of people dying. 

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6219 on: January 26, 2021, 08:50:15 PM »
I loved the metro system in Tokyo. It goes everywhere and is very easy to navigate even with the language barrier.
EDIT as I hit post at the same time as @the_hobbitish : Tokyo is another entry on my travel bucket list. And New Zealand in general, to fulfill my 15 year old LOTR--related dreams.
The train system in Japan is incredible. We visited in 2019 and it blew me away (and I was expecting it to be good). We went all over Tokyo and also took the Shinkansen to Kyoto and Hiroshima. Went as far out as Kure by rail. It just goes everywhere and the trains are nearly constant. Miss a train? No problem, just wait a couple minutes. Even the Shinkansen is leaving every 5-10 minutes (in whichever direction you might want to go from Tokyo).

Yeah, we had no problems in any of the Japanese cities we visited. We bought JR Passes before we traveled and took the shinkansen from Kobe to Hiroshima and back and from Kyoto to Tokyo, and smaller lines in all four cities (and from Tokyo Station to Narita Airport on the last day). It was so easy. I don't really recommend traveling the Tokyo loop during rush hour unless you enjoy feeling like a sardine, but it was fine. One night, we ended up at the last stop on the last train of the night on a line on the opposite side of downtown Tokyo from our hostel. Even that transfer was easy.

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6220 on: January 26, 2021, 09:37:28 PM »
Sword, thatís the depressing part of retirement communities. You hear ambulance sirens all the time. Seeing so many people die would be depressing.

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6221 on: January 27, 2021, 02:27:55 AM »
Sword, thatís the depressing part of retirement communities. You hear ambulance sirens all the time. Seeing so many people die would be depressing.

I guess that's one of the hard parts about aging in general, although of course in a retirement community it would be more visible. Everyone you know starts to die. A wise older relative once told me : getting old is fun but being old is not. She only had a few people left who called her by her first name and half of those had Alzheimer's.

We are in our 30s and our parents are in their 60s. 3 of my 4 grandparents led long and healthy lives so I wasn't expecting that the physical decline would start so early for my own parents. All of our parents have struggled with life-threatening illness already and only one is completely back to good health. And my parents still have years to go before they reach official retirement age (67) . I see it around us too, every year at least one of our friend loses a parent.

Morning Glory

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6222 on: January 27, 2021, 05:01:14 AM »
Is there some reason Uber or Lyft couldn't work for these people?

Some of them, maybe. Uber and lyft have only been available in my city for a couple of years. We have medical transportation companies too but not everyone qualifies to have these covered (I'm not sure of the criteria there, we had social workers to set this up.)

 In addition to being able to get in a car, you have to have a smart phone and be able to see well enough to use it. A lot of people on dialysis are also visually impaired or have other disabilities that make it hard to use a smart phone. I saw a lot of flip phones there.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6223 on: January 27, 2021, 06:29:09 AM »
Sword, thatís the depressing part of retirement communities. You hear ambulance sirens all the time. Seeing so many people die would be depressing.

I guess that's one of the hard parts about aging in general, although of course in a retirement community it would be more visible. Everyone you know starts to die. A wise older relative once told me : getting old is fun but being old is not. She only had a few people left who called her by her first name and half of those had Alzheimer's.

We are in our 30s and our parents are in their 60s. 3 of my 4 grandparents led long and healthy lives so I wasn't expecting that the physical decline would start so early for my own parents. All of our parents have struggled with life-threatening illness already and only one is completely back to good health. And my parents still have years to go before they reach official retirement age (67) . I see it around us too, every year at least one of our friend loses a parent.

That's one of the reasons why we have hobbies that young people also like.  It helps us find new friends that are younger.

Plina

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6224 on: January 27, 2021, 09:36:29 AM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home. And we are childless - a lot of my old friends form new friendship groups through their children's activities, and none of them still live in this area. We still meet up every now and then and have fun but we're not as close as we used to be. I don't really meet childless women in their 30s that often. I don't need tons of extremely close friends but I'd like to have a few friends, not vague acquintances, who live locally.

My s/o has a lot of friends, but men bond differently it seems. They just drink beer and watch a game. He'll go and meet his friends and when he comes back I'll ask how friend's wife or kids are doing he'll just say they didn't discuss that at all.

I have also experienced the same thing as a childfree. You become an outsider in many cases when your friends have kids and you donít have. And frankly, some women also become real bores. It seems like they canít keep anything more than their kids in their brain. Some people are still fun to be with and are more than mothers. It is those that you keep in contact with.

Dicey

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6225 on: January 27, 2021, 09:48:55 AM »
Mexico city has fantastic public transit. I was surprised and extremely pleased.
This just triggered a memory. As a young teen, I took a trip to Mexico City with my Girl Scout troop. We thought we were too cool and didn't want to wear our uniforms. Early in the trip, we rode the subway in civilian clothes at rush hour. For most of us California girls, it was our first subway experience and we were thrilled at the novelty. When we got off at our stoop, one of the girls burst into tears. Seems someone in the very crowded car had been pressed up against her and fondling her ass. She was so shocked, she froze and did nothing. We were outraged, because we would have jumped to her defense had she uttered a peep. Thereafter, we all wore our uniforms everywhere and were treated with utmost respect, even in the subway at rush hour. To be fair, this could have happened in lots of places. It was a priceless lesson for us all.

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6226 on: January 27, 2021, 10:05:03 AM »
Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home.


My mom moved to one of those gated communities for seniors.   There was a lot of turnover there too.   The difference is rather important.   Although you can visit with people who leave either community, none of the folks leaving hers could talk back.   There was a constant stream of people dying.
My husband's grandmother lived to be almost 92, and it really did get sad that she started losing all her bridge partners.  A constant stream of friends dying for the last 10 years.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6227 on: January 27, 2021, 10:15:39 AM »
Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home.


My mom moved to one of those gated communities for seniors.   There was a lot of turnover there too.   The difference is rather important.   Although you can visit with people who leave either community, none of the folks leaving hers could talk back.   There was a constant stream of people dying.
My husband's grandmother lived to be almost 92, and it really did get sad that she started losing all her bridge partners.  A constant stream of friends dying for the last 10 years.

My Mom and Dad's ashes are back to back with their best friend's ashes.  Dad said it was set up that way so that they could keep playing bridge.   ;-)

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6228 on: January 27, 2021, 10:27:33 AM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home. And we are childless - a lot of my old friends form new friendship groups through their children's activities, and none of them still live in this area. We still meet up every now and then and have fun but we're not as close as we used to be. I don't really meet childless women in their 30s that often. I don't need tons of extremely close friends but I'd like to have a few friends, not vague acquintances, who live locally.

My s/o has a lot of friends, but men bond differently it seems. They just drink beer and watch a game. He'll go and meet his friends and when he comes back I'll ask how friend's wife or kids are doing he'll just say they didn't discuss that at all.

I have also experienced the same thing as a childfree. You become an outsider in many cases when your friends have kids and you donít have. And frankly, some women also become real bores. It seems like they canít keep anything more than their kids in their brain. Some people are still fun to be with and are more than mothers. It is those that you keep in contact with.

It's probably no coincidence that the fun mothers have the fun kids as well! I'm in the process of ending one of my oldest friendships. I'm not cutting ties but I am scaling back on the amount of energy I'm putting into this couple. The only things they can talk about is how HARD it is to be a parent and how brilliant little Timmy is. I'm sure parenting is hard, but I hardly hear anything positive about parenthood from them except for the cleverness of little Timmy. I'm sure he's a smart boy but since he's not talking yet and still throwing around all his food, it's a bit early to talk about how to get him into a selective highschool for gifted kids (I'm not making this up). We reached the point where they didn't even ask me about how I was doing anymore because they simply don't care anymore. I was done.

On the other hand, I also have a friend who lives a few hours away, but her and her kids are so much fun! I'm a big kid at heart too, I don't mind messy homes and coffee tables full of Lego. I'll happily join them. One of the kids actually asked me one day if I was a grownup or a kid. Because I'm pretty big and I don't live with my mummy, but I do like to play and I'm not a mummy myself ...so what are you auntie Imma? We sometimes do activities with their family but I also totally get that they prefer to do some things with friends that also have children, because then the kids can play together.

When I do meet childless women (mostly through work) they are often the Sex and the City type and that's just not my type of person at all. I don't drink wine, I don't go shopping, I don't like trendy things, I don't like make-up, I'm in a long-term relationship, I really don't want to spend my whole weekend in clubs and bars.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6229 on: January 27, 2021, 10:34:20 AM »
Luckily I am aging fine but I have lost 5 friends to cancer between the ages of 59-67. Only one had some unhealthy lifestyle habits. Lots of longevity on my momís side of the family and some on my dadís. I got serious this year about diet and lost 47 pounds and quit drinking. I have always exercised and didnít get fat or drink until retiring 9 years ago.  This virus scared me and I lost a overweight friend to it. My mom outlived all her friends as did my second FIL. My aunt is still alive living alone at 96.  She is sick of living. Everything is hard and hurts.

Dicey

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6230 on: January 27, 2021, 10:49:09 AM »
Sword, thatís the depressing part of retirement communities. You hear ambulance sirens all the time. Seeing so many people die would be depressing.
We have three rentals in a large senior community. The back of one of them is directly across from the (external) Fire/Paramedic Station. It is on a greenbelt, gets incredible sunsets and was the perfect combination of dilapidation/price, so we did our research before we bought it. Turns out, the emergency responders use their lights, not their sirens for most calls. Our post-rehab tenants chose this property specifically for the sunsets and aren't bothered by the station at all.

In pre-Covid times, this community boasts over 80 clubs, several restaurants, a large theater, multiple pools, gyms, golf courses, sport courts, a ballroom, classrooms, a post office, a great honor system library, and more. There is an external shopping center with restaurants, full service grocery and hardware stores, plus a host of peripheral small businesses, all accessible via golf cart and a private gate, so no city street driving required. To top it off, it is way more affordable than where we live now.

The thing about aging and mortality is that either you and or friends are all going to die eventually, no matter where you live. In non-age specific areas, the new neighbors are likely to be young couples with babies, who don't even notice the "old" folks next door. #askmehowIknow. At least in Senior communities, vacancies are filled with people you're more likely to have commonality with, and who have time for new friendships.

CodingHare

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6231 on: January 27, 2021, 10:55:22 AM »
I have also experienced the same thing as a childfree. You become an outsider in many cases when your friends have kids and you donít have. And frankly, some women also become real bores. It seems like they canít keep anything more than their kids in their brain. Some people are still fun to be with and are more than mothers. It is those that you keep in contact with.

It's probably no coincidence that the fun mothers have the fun kids as well! I'm in the process of ending one of my oldest friendships. I'm not cutting ties but I am scaling back on the amount of energy I'm putting into this couple. The only things they can talk about is how HARD it is to be a parent and how brilliant little Timmy is. I'm sure parenting is hard, but I hardly hear anything positive about parenthood from them except for the cleverness of little Timmy. I'm sure he's a smart boy but since he's not talking yet and still throwing around all his food, it's a bit early to talk about how to get him into a selective highschool for gifted kids (I'm not making this up). We reached the point where they didn't even ask me about how I was doing anymore because they simply don't care anymore. I was done.

On the other hand, I also have a friend who lives a few hours away, but her and her kids are so much fun! I'm a big kid at heart too, I don't mind messy homes and coffee tables full of Lego. I'll happily join them. One of the kids actually asked me one day if I was a grownup or a kid. Because I'm pretty big and I don't live with my mummy, but I do like to play and I'm not a mummy myself ...so what are you auntie Imma? We sometimes do activities with their family but I also totally get that they prefer to do some things with friends that also have children, because then the kids can play together.

When I do meet childless women (mostly through work) they are often the Sex and the City type and that's just not my type of person at all. I don't drink wine, I don't go shopping, I don't like trendy things, I don't like make-up, I'm in a long-term relationship, I really don't want to spend my whole weekend in clubs and bars.

Yeah, we're in the stage of life when other couples have started having kids.  It does really change the friendship dynamic--obviously less time together is a big one, but also a lot of couples seem incapable of handing their kids over to babysitters.  So you never see them without their children, which slowly transitions to never seeing them.  I do however have a bunch of friends who are parents, but make sure to carve out non child time for themselves.  Balance makes them interesting people to chat with!

I am a childless woman and I'm not the Sex in the City type, I just know I'd hate having kids until they were about 13 or so.  No judgement for those who want kids--I just never wanted them strongly enough to want to get through the no sleep screeching stages.  Just wanted to provide a counter anecdote.  But I also meet most of my childless friends through hobby groups, so there's a bias towards people with interests that align with mine.  :)

jinga nation

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6232 on: January 27, 2021, 01:01:09 PM »
Mexico city has fantastic public transit. I was surprised and extremely pleased.
This just triggered a memory. As a young teen, I took a trip to Mexico City with my Girl Scout troop. We thought we were too cool and didn't want to wear our uniforms. Early in the trip, we rode the subway in civilian clothes at rush hour. For most of us California girls, it was our first subway experience and we were thrilled at the novelty. When we got off at our stoop, one of the girls burst into tears. Seems someone in the very crowded car had been pressed up against her and fondling her ass. She was so shocked, she froze and did nothing. We were outraged, because we would have jumped to her defense had she uttered a peep. Thereafter, we all wore our uniforms everywhere and were treated with utmost respect, even in the subway at rush hour. To be fair, this could have happened in lots of places. It was a priceless lesson for us all.
I've had my man parts tickled on the London Underground (The Tube). It was packed, I didn't know who it was, but I hope they enjoyed it. I surely did. There was no place for me to move. Plus I was 22 at the time, early 2000s, an American visiting my then-GF (now wife), didn't want to cause a scene, tried my best at keeping a British stiff upper lip.

Also had my ass grabbed on the NYC Subway. Bizarrely, my wife used The Tube for over 3 years and not a single incident, plus 4 years in Manchester using public transport.

Grabby grabby can happen to anyone, anywhere.

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6233 on: January 27, 2021, 02:01:55 PM »
I have also experienced the same thing as a childfree. You become an outsider in many cases when your friends have kids and you donít have. And frankly, some women also become real bores. It seems like they canít keep anything more than their kids in their brain. Some people are still fun to be with and are more than mothers. It is those that you keep in contact with.

It's probably no coincidence that the fun mothers have the fun kids as well! I'm in the process of ending one of my oldest friendships. I'm not cutting ties but I am scaling back on the amount of energy I'm putting into this couple. The only things they can talk about is how HARD it is to be a parent and how brilliant little Timmy is. I'm sure parenting is hard, but I hardly hear anything positive about parenthood from them except for the cleverness of little Timmy. I'm sure he's a smart boy but since he's not talking yet and still throwing around all his food, it's a bit early to talk about how to get him into a selective highschool for gifted kids (I'm not making this up). We reached the point where they didn't even ask me about how I was doing anymore because they simply don't care anymore. I was done.

On the other hand, I also have a friend who lives a few hours away, but her and her kids are so much fun! I'm a big kid at heart too, I don't mind messy homes and coffee tables full of Lego. I'll happily join them. One of the kids actually asked me one day if I was a grownup or a kid. Because I'm pretty big and I don't live with my mummy, but I do like to play and I'm not a mummy myself ...so what are you auntie Imma? We sometimes do activities with their family but I also totally get that they prefer to do some things with friends that also have children, because then the kids can play together.

When I do meet childless women (mostly through work) they are often the Sex and the City type and that's just not my type of person at all. I don't drink wine, I don't go shopping, I don't like trendy things, I don't like make-up, I'm in a long-term relationship, I really don't want to spend my whole weekend in clubs and bars.

Yeah, we're in the stage of life when other couples have started having kids.  It does really change the friendship dynamic--obviously less time together is a big one, but also a lot of couples seem incapable of handing their kids over to babysitters.  So you never see them without their children, which slowly transitions to never seeing them.  I do however have a bunch of friends who are parents, but make sure to carve out non child time for themselves.  Balance makes them interesting people to chat with!

I am a childless woman and I'm not the Sex in the City type, I just know I'd hate having kids until they were about 13 or so.  No judgement for those who want kids--I just never wanted them strongly enough to want to get through the no sleep screeching stages.  Just wanted to provide a counter anecdote.  But I also meet most of my childless friends through hobby groups, so there's a bias towards people with interests that align with mine.  :)

Just out of interests, what kind of groups are you in? I'm in several groups but I'm usually the only non-parent.

TheFrenchCat

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6234 on: January 27, 2021, 02:39:32 PM »
I have also experienced the same thing as a childfree. You become an outsider in many cases when your friends have kids and you donít have. And frankly, some women also become real bores. It seems like they canít keep anything more than their kids in their brain. Some people are still fun to be with and are more than mothers. It is those that you keep in contact with.

It's probably no coincidence that the fun mothers have the fun kids as well! I'm in the process of ending one of my oldest friendships. I'm not cutting ties but I am scaling back on the amount of energy I'm putting into this couple. The only things they can talk about is how HARD it is to be a parent and how brilliant little Timmy is. I'm sure parenting is hard, but I hardly hear anything positive about parenthood from them except for the cleverness of little Timmy. I'm sure he's a smart boy but since he's not talking yet and still throwing around all his food, it's a bit early to talk about how to get him into a selective highschool for gifted kids (I'm not making this up). We reached the point where they didn't even ask me about how I was doing anymore because they simply don't care anymore. I was done.

On the other hand, I also have a friend who lives a few hours away, but her and her kids are so much fun! I'm a big kid at heart too, I don't mind messy homes and coffee tables full of Lego. I'll happily join them. One of the kids actually asked me one day if I was a grownup or a kid. Because I'm pretty big and I don't live with my mummy, but I do like to play and I'm not a mummy myself ...so what are you auntie Imma? We sometimes do activities with their family but I also totally get that they prefer to do some things with friends that also have children, because then the kids can play together.

When I do meet childless women (mostly through work) they are often the Sex and the City type and that's just not my type of person at all. I don't drink wine, I don't go shopping, I don't like trendy things, I don't like make-up, I'm in a long-term relationship, I really don't want to spend my whole weekend in clubs and bars.

Yeah, we're in the stage of life when other couples have started having kids.  It does really change the friendship dynamic--obviously less time together is a big one, but also a lot of couples seem incapable of handing their kids over to babysitters.  So you never see them without their children, which slowly transitions to never seeing them.  I do however have a bunch of friends who are parents, but make sure to carve out non child time for themselves.  Balance makes them interesting people to chat with!

I am a childless woman and I'm not the Sex in the City type, I just know I'd hate having kids until they were about 13 or so.  No judgement for those who want kids--I just never wanted them strongly enough to want to get through the no sleep screeching stages.  Just wanted to provide a counter anecdote.  But I also meet most of my childless friends through hobby groups, so there's a bias towards people with interests that align with mine.  :)

Maybe I'm still too young at 31, but I've had the opposite experience-I'm the only one of any of my groups of friends to have a child.  But I like to think I still am interesting to my friends.  And we're super comfortable with babysitters or even going out without my husband.  At least pre-covid that is.  I'm trying to remember and I don't think I've even mentioned my daughter in my friend group's discord chat that we've kept up during the pandemic.  Sorry to hear that some of your friends aren't balancing discussion topics well enough.

Plina

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6235 on: January 27, 2021, 10:48:04 PM »
I have also experienced the same thing as a childfree. You become an outsider in many cases when your friends have kids and you donít have. And frankly, some women also become real bores. It seems like they canít keep anything more than their kids in their brain. Some people are still fun to be with and are more than mothers. It is those that you keep in contact with.

It's probably no coincidence that the fun mothers have the fun kids as well! I'm in the process of ending one of my oldest friendships. I'm not cutting ties but I am scaling back on the amount of energy I'm putting into this couple. The only things they can talk about is how HARD it is to be a parent and how brilliant little Timmy is. I'm sure parenting is hard, but I hardly hear anything positive about parenthood from them except for the cleverness of little Timmy. I'm sure he's a smart boy but since he's not talking yet and still throwing around all his food, it's a bit early to talk about how to get him into a selective highschool for gifted kids (I'm not making this up). We reached the point where they didn't even ask me about how I was doing anymore because they simply don't care anymore. I was done.

On the other hand, I also have a friend who lives a few hours away, but her and her kids are so much fun! I'm a big kid at heart too, I don't mind messy homes and coffee tables full of Lego. I'll happily join them. One of the kids actually asked me one day if I was a grownup or a kid. Because I'm pretty big and I don't live with my mummy, but I do like to play and I'm not a mummy myself ...so what are you auntie Imma? We sometimes do activities with their family but I also totally get that they prefer to do some things with friends that also have children, because then the kids can play together.

When I do meet childless women (mostly through work) they are often the Sex and the City type and that's just not my type of person at all. I don't drink wine, I don't go shopping, I don't like trendy things, I don't like make-up, I'm in a long-term relationship, I really don't want to spend my whole weekend in clubs and bars.

Yeah, we're in the stage of life when other couples have started having kids.  It does really change the friendship dynamic--obviously less time together is a big one, but also a lot of couples seem incapable of handing their kids over to babysitters.  So you never see them without their children, which slowly transitions to never seeing them.  I do however have a bunch of friends who are parents, but make sure to carve out non child time for themselves.  Balance makes them interesting people to chat with!

I am a childless woman and I'm not the Sex in the City type, I just know I'd hate having kids until they were about 13 or so.  No judgement for those who want kids--I just never wanted them strongly enough to want to get through the no sleep screeching stages.  Just wanted to provide a counter anecdote.  But I also meet most of my childless friends through hobby groups, so there's a bias towards people with interests that align with mine.  :)

Maybe I'm still too young at 31, but I've had the opposite experience-I'm the only one of any of my groups of friends to have a child.  But I like to think I still am interesting to my friends.  And we're super comfortable with babysitters or even going out without my husband.  At least pre-covid that is.  I'm trying to remember and I don't think I've even mentioned my daughter in my friend group's discord chat that we've kept up during the pandemic.  Sorry to hear that some of your friends aren't balancing discussion topics well enough.

Seems like you are one of those parents that have not given up their life totally to their small miracles. I had a former colleague that pointed out that he tries to limit talk about his kid at work because he know how boring it can get. On the other hand, I have now colleagues who brings up the kids daily in some form. I know more about the kids health and life then you ever wish to know. I donít mind the amusing stories but it is a bit to much.

Abundant life

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6236 on: January 27, 2021, 10:49:12 PM »
Mexico city has fantastic public transit. I was surprised and extremely pleased.
This just triggered a memory. As a young teen, I took a trip to Mexico City with my Girl Scout troop. We thought we were too cool and didn't want to wear our uniforms. Early in the trip, we rode the subway in civilian clothes at rush hour. For most of us California girls, it was our first subway experience and we were thrilled at the novelty. When we got off at our stoop, one of the girls burst into tears. Seems someone in the very crowded car had been pressed up against her and fondling her ass. She was so shocked, she froze and did nothing. We were outraged, because we would have jumped to her defense had she uttered a peep. Thereafter, we all wore our uniforms everywhere and were treated with utmost respect, even in the subway at rush hour. To be fair, this could have happened in lots of places. It was a priceless lesson for us all.
I've had my man parts tickled on the London Underground (The Tube). It was packed, I didn't know who it was, but I hope they enjoyed it. I surely did. There was no place for me to move. Plus I was 22 at the time, early 2000s, an American visiting my then-GF (now wife), didn't want to cause a scene, tried my best at keeping a British stiff upper lip.

Also had my ass grabbed on the NYC Subway. Bizarrely, my wife used The Tube for over 3 years and not a single incident, plus 4 years in Manchester using public transport.

Grabby grabby can happen to anyone, anywhere.
I've been on the trains and the buses that run on tracks in Mexico City. They are great if you can get a seat! However I was given strict instructions for traveling on them by the Mexican in-laws.
Women at the front of the carriage - if men loiter there the old women will hit them. Men at the back. If a woman is in the back she is fair game. When I had to travel in the back of a crowded carriage my two grown sons put me in a corner and stood in front of me to box me in.

PMG

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6237 on: January 28, 2021, 05:47:04 AM »

Grabby grabby can happen to anyone, anywhere.

That doesnít make it ok or a less than awful experience.

I am sorry it happened to you, too.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2021, 09:32:04 AM by PMG »

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6238 on: January 28, 2021, 09:14:40 AM »
Dicey, your retirement communities sound like a small town. Unfortunately in our much smaller metro area thatís not the case. Without transportation you canít get anywhere without a very expensive uber ride. It takes 20-30 minutes just to get out of all the subdivisions to the main road.  I may always drive but I am planning for if I cannot. I can see the allure where you live. I have looked to see what they offer.

CodingHare

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6239 on: January 29, 2021, 02:08:44 PM »
Just out of interests, what kind of groups are you in? I'm in several groups but I'm usually the only non-parent.

Knitting, board games, and outdoosy things like camping and hiking.  The first two are the main social ones right now since they adapt well to being done online, and the last two is mostly just my SO and I right now.  We would like to get into the some organized hikes post-COVID.

The first two there's a good mix of parents and non-parents, and that  might just be me being lucky.  But the parents are also making an effort to carve out those things as non-kid time, so it really evens out.  (We do chat about their kids, but it isn't the dominating topic.)

Roadrunner53

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6240 on: January 29, 2021, 02:41:32 PM »
My next door neighbor's garbage container, at the end of the driveway, fell over due to wind shortly after the garbage truck emptied it. The neighbor has two sons in their mid 20's who live there and last I knew don't pay rent. One of the 'boys' left the house a little while ago and just drove around the garbage container. Couldn't be bothered to pick it up and bring it to the top of the driveway. His father came home from work a while later and dragged it up.

I just can't believe how lazy this kid is! The kid that drove around the container doesn't have a 'real' job but makes money with scrap metal or something like that. The other kid seems to have seasonal employment in the summer and doesn't seem to work in the winter. Both are home all day long and neither can walk to the bottom of the driveway? OMG!

This is not a relative but they sure do NOT get it!


Plina

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6241 on: January 29, 2021, 03:18:24 PM »
Just out of interests, what kind of groups are you in? I'm in several groups but I'm usually the only non-parent.

Knitting, board games, and outdoosy things like camping and hiking.  The first two are the main social ones right now since they adapt well to being done online, and the last two is mostly just my SO and I right now.  We would like to get into the some organized hikes post-COVID.

The first two there's a good mix of parents and non-parents, and that  might just be me being lucky.  But the parents are also making an effort to carve out those things as non-kid time, so it really evens out.  (We do chat about their kids, but it isn't the dominating topic.)

I planned to join organized hiking trips last summer after moving to a new place but that got postponed due to covid as most of those places required going by public transport.

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6242 on: January 29, 2021, 04:11:56 PM »
Just out of interests, what kind of groups are you in? I'm in several groups but I'm usually the only non-parent.

Knitting, board games, and outdoosy things like camping and hiking.  The first two are the main social ones right now since they adapt well to being done online, and the last two is mostly just my SO and I right now.  We would like to get into the some organized hikes post-COVID.

The first two there's a good mix of parents and non-parents, and that  might just be me being lucky.  But the parents are also making an effort to carve out those things as non-kid time, so it really evens out.  (We do chat about their kids, but it isn't the dominating topic.)

I planned to join organized hiking trips last summer after moving to a new place but that got postponed due to covid as most of those places required going by public transport.

In all the craft groups I'm in I'm the only non-parent! I don't mind, but it's always awkward at first, because when people find out you don't have children they will start to ask when you are going to have children. That stops eventually, after explaining it half a dozen times or more. Most do indeed go there for an 'evening out' but obviously, for parents, their children are what they care about most. So they do end up talking about them a fair amount even though they try not to. Most group members also mainly make projects for their children. I don't blame them at all,  if I had children maybe I would be the same, but I am trying to meet people who live a life more similar to my own.

I have health issues so anything physical/outdoorsy in groups is out of the question for me unfortunately.

Plina

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6243 on: January 30, 2021, 12:33:51 AM »
Just out of interests, what kind of groups are you in? I'm in several groups but I'm usually the only non-parent.

Knitting, board games, and outdoosy things like camping and hiking.  The first two are the main social ones right now since they adapt well to being done online, and the last two is mostly just my SO and I right now.  We would like to get into the some organized hikes post-COVID.

The first two there's a good mix of parents and non-parents, and that  might just be me being lucky.  But the parents are also making an effort to carve out those things as non-kid time, so it really evens out.  (We do chat about their kids, but it isn't the dominating topic.)

I planned to join organized hiking trips last summer after moving to a new place but that got postponed due to covid as most of those places required going by public transport.

In all the craft groups I'm in I'm the only non-parent! I don't mind, but it's always awkward at first, because when people find out you don't have children they will start to ask when you are going to have children. That stops eventually, after explaining it half a dozen times or more. Most do indeed go there for an 'evening out' but obviously, for parents, their children are what they care about most. So they do end up talking about them a fair amount even though they try not to. Most group members also mainly make projects for their children. I don't blame them at all,  if I had children maybe I would be the same, but I am trying to meet people who live a life more similar to my own.

I have health issues so anything physical/outdoorsy in groups is out of the question for me unfortunately.

And they donít even understand how rude it is to ask when someone is going to have children. Why would you have to explain something as private to a stranger you just met. There are people that really want to have children but are unable. I never ask if people have children as I figure they will tell me when they want. I would NEVER ask someone when they are going to have children as there might be many different reason for them to not have or being unable to have.

Morning Glory

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6244 on: January 30, 2021, 03:22:21 AM »
Oh yes. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my first child and I was sometimes brought to tears by people asking this. I finally just started telling them about the miscarriages, no matter how awkward the situation. Now I am very open about it because I want others who experience it to know they are not alone.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6245 on: January 30, 2021, 06:17:15 AM »
Oh yes. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my first child and I was sometimes brought to tears by people asking this. I finally just started telling them about the miscarriages, no matter how awkward the situation. Now I am very open about it because I want others who experience it to know they are not alone.

Yes.

When I had my miscarriage (first pregnancy, wanted baby, devastating) it was amazing how many women told me they had had them and then had children.  I had had no idea any of them had had a miscarriage.  It was very comforting. It is another of those taboo topics, it seems.

Apples

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6246 on: January 30, 2021, 04:22:36 PM »
Oh yes. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my first child and I was sometimes brought to tears by people asking this. I finally just started telling them about the miscarriages, no matter how awkward the situation. Now I am very open about it because I want others who experience it to know they are not alone.

Yes!  I have had 2 miscarriages, and unexplained infertility, and no children (yet...hopefully).  In a simple social situation, I'll gloss over it.  But if I know the people at all, I have decided to be open if the social situation calls for it (I'm past the point where I tear up about it right now).  And being open about it gets the word out there that this happens, sometimes leads to interesting and heartfelt conversations, and can get people who ask people about having kids when they shouldn't to...maybe...reconsider doing that in the future.

Morning Glory

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6247 on: January 30, 2021, 05:10:43 PM »
Oh yes. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my first child and I was sometimes brought to tears by people asking this. I finally just started telling them about the miscarriages, no matter how awkward the situation. Now I am very open about it because I want others who experience it to know they are not alone.

Yes.

When I had my miscarriage (first pregnancy, wanted baby, devastating) it was amazing how many women told me they had had them and then had children.  I had had no idea any of them had had a miscarriage.  It was very comforting. It is another of those taboo topics, it seems.

I had no clue how common it was before I had my first one, and I studied obgyn stuff in nursing school. The worst part is I had no bleeding and found out at my ultrasound. I just thought I was having an easy pregnancy. Felt like a terrible failure.

The second worst part was that I didn't tell my mom about it and a couple months later she shamed me for not having children yet. I burst into tears at the table. The third worst part was having another one six months later.

Then it took me 18 months to get pregnant again and have my son. I ended up with c section and was unable to produce enough milk for my baby and had to supplement. Had terrible ppd. Cried every day and felt like a failure again. Really thought something was wrong with me the whole time.

Meanwhile my spectacularly irresponsible SIL got pregnant from a one night stand with her ex. This was her fourth child and she was 35 at the time. Breastfed him until he was 4.

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6248 on: January 30, 2021, 05:23:34 PM »
Oh yes. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my first child and I was sometimes brought to tears by people asking this. I finally just started telling them about the miscarriages, no matter how awkward the situation. Now I am very open about it because I want others who experience it to know they are not alone.

Yes.

When I had my miscarriage (first pregnancy, wanted baby, devastating) it was amazing how many women told me they had had them and then had children.  I had had no idea any of them had had a miscarriage.  It was very comforting. It is another of those taboo topics, it seems.

I had no clue how common it was before I had my first one, and I studied obgyn stuff in nursing school. The worst part is I had no bleeding and found out at my ultrasound. I just thought I was having an easy pregnancy. Felt like a terrible failure.

The second worst part was that I didn't tell my mom about it and a couple months later she shamed me for not having children yet. I burst into tears at the table. The third worst part was having another one six months later.

Then it took me 18 months to get pregnant again and have my son. I ended up with c section and was unable to produce enough milk for my baby and had to supplement. Had terrible ppd. Cried every day and felt like a failure again. Really thought something was wrong with me the whole time.

Meanwhile my spectacularly irresponsible SIL got pregnant from a one night stand with her ex. This was her fourth child and she was 35 at the time. Breastfed him until he was 4.

I'm so sorry all of you had to go through that. I can't imagine how heartbreaking that must be. First the secret excitement about a pregnancy, then a massive loss, and one you're not "supposed" to share with other people.

I'm also open about it to friends and acquintances (and tried to with family, but that's a complicated story). I have never tried to get pregnant at all, but for medical reasons I was strongly advised not to have children. We have decided that we are going to follow that advice. It's very sad of course, but since I have known this since I was 17, and was open about it to my partner from the beginning, it's not such an acute heartbreak. It's more a lingering sadness. It's very different from trying to get pregnant and it just doesn't happen, or worse, suffering from a miscarriage or a stillbirth, I think.

When I do tell people, very often women try to reassure me and tell me to be patient, who knows what may happen, they fell pregnant after x years of trying, and I always tell them I'm very happy for them, but that's not the situation I'm in. Unless a miracule drug is invented, well, today or tomorrow, there's no way my health would improve so much and so fast that I'd be able to get pregnant in time before my fertility clock runs out - assuming I am fertile, which isn't a certainty for women with my illness either. Actually, falling pregnant is my biggest fear. I don't think I'd be able to end a pregnancy, but it would be a major risk for my own health and that of the baby.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6249 on: January 30, 2021, 07:09:23 PM »
DW had a miscarriage between our first and second (and in hindsight, probably before our first, also.)  it was very sad and stressful even though we found out at about 10 weeks from the ultrasound. It was amazing and reassuring to find out how many other people have miscarriages, but it isnít often talked about with young prospective parents.

We know people who have struggled to carry a baby to term through multiple miscarriages. My heart goes out to those who struggle with this. The hope, the loss, and that cycle again and again. We feel very fortunate to have only gone through that once (or maybe twice).