Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 2540663 times)

Plina

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 333
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6050 on: October 17, 2020, 09:03:45 AM »
I don’t understand parents that support their adult kids that are able to work. Why would you like to ruin your kids like that? My parents told us that after high school either you work or study, but you don’t have the option to be lazying around at home and be supported by us. They have helped out in form of loans that we had to pay back or if they were forgiven the other siblings got an equivalent amount of cash.

SwordGuy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7359
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6051 on: October 17, 2020, 09:47:53 AM »
I don’t understand parents that support their adult kids that are able to work. Why would you like to ruin your kids like that? My parents told us that after high school either you work or study, but you don’t have the option to be lazying around at home and be supported by us. They have helped out in form of loans that we had to pay back or if they were forgiven the other siblings got an equivalent amount of cash.

I don't either.

I knew a guy in college who was a complete bum.  Various people would take him under their wing and try to help him out only to discover he was a lazy shit.  Mea culpa, I fell for it too.

Friends of mine gave him a couch to sleep on.  His rent was to, and I quote, "take a shower every day".    It was too much effort for him to do.

While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

I don't blame them.

I learned an important lesson from him.  Don't help people more than they are willing to help themselves.

Roadrunner53

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2934
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6052 on: October 17, 2020, 09:58:58 AM »
My only guess on my neighbor and his boys is that when he was married to their mother, she was a wretched drunk. They had nasty scream fests out in the yard about her drinking. They, at one point, were just living together. She had gotten arrested a bunch of times for DUI, put in the slammer. Her license was revoked. She would walk miles to a liquor store to get hooch. She went to rehab so many times the insurance wouldn't pay for it anymore. She appeared in public a drunken stumble bum and embarrassed her kids when they were in school. So, I think the Dad has tried to over compensate for what humiliation she put them through. However, that was a long time ago and time for little boys in their mid 20's to grow up. The Dad needs to grow up too.

saguaro

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 196
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6053 on: October 17, 2020, 10:24:30 AM »
So, I think the Dad has tried to over compensate for what humiliation she put them through. However, that was a long time ago and time for little boys in their mid 20's to grow up. The Dad needs to grow up too.

To the bolded:  Agree, both the boys and the Dad need to grow up.   Dad is too afraid to set the boundaries and the boys are more than willing to live like teenagers even though they are in their 20s.  It's unfortunate that all of them were negatively impacted by their mother and in a way it's understandable that Dad is trying to make things up to them, but sending them the message that it's OK to walk over Dad when he makes the reasonable request for them to start pitching in is not making up for that.

An ex boyfriend of mine was being completely supported by his grandparents into his later 20s.   And all because he had "such a terrible childhood".   Which he honestly did and it was pretty tragic what he experienced but still let's just say he milked that for all it was worth and family was too afraid to set boundaries.   And one of the reasons why I broke up with him.   I was working my butt off to get through college while he was not making any financial contribution to his education (or anything for that matter) because of "his problems" and yet wanted to get married, with no idea of how we would support ourselves other than "we can move into my grandparents' basement apartment".   No way.

ETA: My parents also required that after high school, we work or go to school, preferably school but when my sisters dropped out of college, they went to work.   No sitting around for us. 
« Last Edit: October 17, 2020, 10:34:12 AM by saguaro »

Roadrunner53

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2934
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6054 on: October 17, 2020, 11:03:36 AM »
SwordGuy, have you ever seen that guy you helped out and did he ever straighten out?

SwordGuy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7359
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6055 on: October 17, 2020, 11:40:01 AM »
SwordGuy, have you ever seen that guy you helped out and did he ever straighten out?
@Roadrunner53 , I moved out of town and other than telling this story, never gave the guy another thought.

Just asked a friend of mine about it.   Said the fellow moved out of town ages ago, showed up on FB a few years back, and died about 5 years ago.   He said the guy seemed more normal from what little he saw on FB, but then, one never knows the truth about folks from FB.

That's what I got.

Roadrunner53

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2934
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6056 on: October 17, 2020, 11:52:06 AM »
So, I think the Dad has tried to over compensate for what humiliation she put them through. However, that was a long time ago and time for little boys in their mid 20's to grow up. The Dad needs to grow up too.

To the bolded:  Agree, both the boys and the Dad need to grow up.   Dad is too afraid to set the boundaries and the boys are more than willing to live like teenagers even though they are in their 20s.  It's unfortunate that all of them were negatively impacted by their mother and in a way it's understandable that Dad is trying to make things up to them, but sending them the message that it's OK to walk over Dad when he makes the reasonable request for them to start pitching in is not making up for that.

An ex boyfriend of mine was being completely supported by his grandparents into his later 20s.   And all because he had "such a terrible childhood".   Which he honestly did and it was pretty tragic what he experienced but still let's just say he milked that for all it was worth and family was too afraid to set boundaries.   And one of the reasons why I broke up with him.   I was working my butt off to get through college while he was not making any financial contribution to his education (or anything for that matter) because of "his problems" and yet wanted to get married, with no idea of how we would support ourselves other than "we can move into my grandparents' basement apartment".   No way.

ETA: My parents also required that after high school, we work or go to school, preferably school but when my sisters dropped out of college, they went to work.   No sitting around for us.

What got me is when spoiled older son left the house in a hissy fit and claimed he could live free elsewhere but came home to do his laundry. He probably has no clue that people go to laundromats to do clothes washing. Mid twenties and beyond spoiled and immature. When I was their age I was married a few years already, had a full time job and my Hub and I built our home from the ground up. Living with my parents was not in the picture and I wanted out as soon as possible!

saguaro

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 196
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6057 on: October 17, 2020, 01:19:22 PM »
So, I think the Dad has tried to over compensate for what humiliation she put them through. However, that was a long time ago and time for little boys in their mid 20's to grow up. The Dad needs to grow up too.

To the bolded:  Agree, both the boys and the Dad need to grow up.   Dad is too afraid to set the boundaries and the boys are more than willing to live like teenagers even though they are in their 20s.  It's unfortunate that all of them were negatively impacted by their mother and in a way it's understandable that Dad is trying to make things up to them, but sending them the message that it's OK to walk over Dad when he makes the reasonable request for them to start pitching in is not making up for that.

An ex boyfriend of mine was being completely supported by his grandparents into his later 20s.   And all because he had "such a terrible childhood".   Which he honestly did and it was pretty tragic what he experienced but still let's just say he milked that for all it was worth and family was too afraid to set boundaries.   And one of the reasons why I broke up with him.   I was working my butt off to get through college while he was not making any financial contribution to his education (or anything for that matter) because of "his problems" and yet wanted to get married, with no idea of how we would support ourselves other than "we can move into my grandparents' basement apartment".   No way.

ETA: My parents also required that after high school, we work or go to school, preferably school but when my sisters dropped out of college, they went to work.   No sitting around for us.

What got me is when spoiled older son left the house in a hissy fit and claimed he could live free elsewhere but came home to do his laundry. He probably has no clue that people go to laundromats to do clothes washing. Mid twenties and beyond spoiled and immature. When I was their age I was married a few years already, had a full time job and my Hub and I built our home from the ground up. Living with my parents was not in the picture and I wanted out as soon as possible!

This may sound awful, but honestly once the older son left in a huff that was Dad's chance to hold him (the older son) to his decision and let him deal.   I might have gone so far as to change the locks.

Same here, when I was that age I was married, out of the house, working, no house yet but that was OK.   No way did I want to go back to living with my folks, it was not an option for me even if it meant living out of my car.   

Roadrunner53

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2934
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6058 on: October 17, 2020, 02:29:42 PM »
This may sound awful, but honestly once the older son left in a huff that was Dad's chance to hold him (the older son) to his decision and let him deal.   I might have gone so far as to change the locks.

Same here, when I was that age I was married, out of the house, working, no house yet but that was OK.   No way did I want to go back to living with my folks, it was not an option for me even if it meant living out of my car.
[/quote]

I think the Dad thought it was a bit humorous and probably figured his son would come crawling home sooner or later.


Playing with Fire UK

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3202
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6059 on: October 18, 2020, 01:04:52 AM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.

former player

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5898
  • Location: Avalon
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6060 on: October 18, 2020, 02:37:10 AM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.
Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

SwordGuy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7359
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6061 on: October 18, 2020, 08:13:46 AM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.
Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

Maybe I forgot to mention this part of the story.   At one point the people I was renting a room from let him stay on the couch because he had no money, no job, and nowhere else to go.   Room and board and his only rent was "take a shower each day".

And he couldn't be bothered to pay his rent.

What was there to talk about?    Seriously, how could you have a rational, useful conversation that would lead to actual positive results with someone like that?

Do you think they never tried?   

former player

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5898
  • Location: Avalon
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6062 on: October 18, 2020, 08:59:02 AM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.
Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

Maybe I forgot to mention this part of the story.   At one point the people I was renting a room from let him stay on the couch because he had no money, no job, and nowhere else to go.   Room and board and his only rent was "take a shower each day".

And he couldn't be bothered to pay his rent.

What was there to talk about?    Seriously, how could you have a rational, useful conversation that would lead to actual positive results with someone like that?

Do you think they never tried?
That seems to have been a joke about English reticence on emotional and family matters that got lost in translation. Sorry.

Just Joe

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4201
  • Age: 125
  • Location: Just past the red barn on the left.
  • Here to learn.
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6063 on: October 20, 2020, 10:20:07 AM »
It happens. I know two 40s MEN (boys) who live at home b/c neither of them can hold down a job. At one time both made a good living. Mental illness? Parenting failure?

Sugaree

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 904
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6064 on: October 22, 2020, 09:18:56 AM »
How about the family member that pawned an expensive chainsaw over the summer.  He's now paid twice as much in interest as he borrowed and nearly as much as it would cost to go out and buy a new one.

NYExpat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 29
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6065 on: November 10, 2020, 12:57:43 PM »
My MIL died back in February a 1.5 months before COVID hit big. She had a heart attack due to a replaced heart valve going bad. She was in the hospital for 2(?) days and we visited for when she was discharged from the hospital.  We drove home 3 hours away and got woken up the morning that she had another massive heart attack and didn't make it.  MIL worked, FIL is on SS Disability due to poor health from not maintaining diabetes.  Their marriage was rocky for years but everyone is still pretty upset with FIL because one of the first things he said while in the ER after she passed was "She just got paid and I'm not on the account"  She had a separate account because he IS spendy-pants and has opened up multiple cards behind her back ~15K.

Between her 401K/IRA that he cashed out, life insurance payout and cash envelope that MIL coworkers gave him, he's been blowing through cash on stupid stuff.  We had to move him into subsidized housing, but he doesn't want to give up the leased SUV.  Brother-in-law who was on a joint account ended up pulling some of the money into another account so that FIL didn't blow through it all in a couple years.  His response "I'll play that game".  We'd talk to him about finances and his spending and he's say the right things, but never change.

It's infuriating when we're not trying to play a game, we're trying to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless. It's not like it's some huge inheritance we're mad about not getting, we just don't want him to have to live at a soup kitchen. And yet the diabetic still drinks pop and buys prepared food.  We're not going to abandon him, but it sucks when people are selfish.  It feels bad to say, but we all assumed he would die from a diabetic related infection long before MIL. 

Just Joe

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4201
  • Age: 125
  • Location: Just past the red barn on the left.
  • Here to learn.
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6066 on: November 11, 2020, 09:32:16 AM »
WOW....

NYExpat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 29
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6067 on: November 11, 2020, 01:01:55 PM »
I suppose to be "fair" not all the 15K credit card debt was secret, but he's always lived beyond his means. It's telling that MIL made DW the beneficiary of a work life insurance policy instead of her spouse.  When you're in your early 30's you shouldn't have more money than someone just getting to retirement age.  I'm glad I got the FIRE bug early-ish.  At least my parents have their act together.

better late

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 418
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6068 on: November 11, 2020, 03:53:43 PM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.
Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

Maybe I forgot to mention this part of the story.   At one point the people I was renting a room from let him stay on the couch because he had no money, no job, and nowhere else to go.   Room and board and his only rent was "take a shower each day".

And he couldn't be bothered to pay his rent.

What was there to talk about?    Seriously, how could you have a rational, useful conversation that would lead to actual positive results with someone like that?

Do you think they never tried?
That seems to have been a joke about English reticence on emotional and family matters that got lost in translation. Sorry.

Your prior reply made me laugh out loud :)

better late

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 418
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6069 on: November 11, 2020, 03:58:43 PM »
My MIL died back in February a 1.5 months before COVID hit big. She had a heart attack due to a replaced heart valve going bad. She was in the hospital for 2(?) days and we visited for when she was discharged from the hospital.  We drove home 3 hours away and got woken up the morning that she had another massive heart attack and didn't make it.  MIL worked, FIL is on SS Disability due to poor health from not maintaining diabetes.  Their marriage was rocky for years but everyone is still pretty upset with FIL because one of the first things he said while in the ER after she passed was "She just got paid and I'm not on the account"  She had a separate account because he IS spendy-pants and has opened up multiple cards behind her back ~15K.

Between her 401K/IRA that he cashed out, life insurance payout and cash envelope that MIL coworkers gave him, he's been blowing through cash on stupid stuff.  We had to move him into subsidized housing, but he doesn't want to give up the leased SUV.  Brother-in-law who was on a joint account ended up pulling some of the money into another account so that FIL didn't blow through it all in a couple years.  His response "I'll play that game".  We'd talk to him about finances and his spending and he's say the right things, but never change.

It's infuriating when we're not trying to play a game, we're trying to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless. It's not like it's some huge inheritance we're mad about not getting, we just don't want him to have to live at a soup kitchen. And yet the diabetic still drinks pop and buys prepared food.  We're not going to abandon him, but it sucks when people are selfish.  It feels bad to say, but we all assumed he would die from a diabetic related infection long before MIL.

Whoa - that’s a lot! I understand how you’re feeling the way you’ve described feeling.

With the disability If there is any money that isn’t directly his you might be able to put it in a special needs trust, but it can’t be his money funding it. Might be worth looking into

NYExpat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 29
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6070 on: November 13, 2020, 01:41:18 PM »
Interesting, I'd never heard of a special needs trust. Not sure if the diabetes would qualify, but there is also not really enough money to provide an income stream for him.  We've got some life insurance money set aside for when he runs out, but things are definitely strained.

Sibley

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4649
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6071 on: November 13, 2020, 07:59:11 PM »
My MIL died back in February a 1.5 months before COVID hit big. She had a heart attack due to a replaced heart valve going bad. She was in the hospital for 2(?) days and we visited for when she was discharged from the hospital.  We drove home 3 hours away and got woken up the morning that she had another massive heart attack and didn't make it.  MIL worked, FIL is on SS Disability due to poor health from not maintaining diabetes.  Their marriage was rocky for years but everyone is still pretty upset with FIL because one of the first things he said while in the ER after she passed was "She just got paid and I'm not on the account"  She had a separate account because he IS spendy-pants and has opened up multiple cards behind her back ~15K.

Between her 401K/IRA that he cashed out, life insurance payout and cash envelope that MIL coworkers gave him, he's been blowing through cash on stupid stuff.  We had to move him into subsidized housing, but he doesn't want to give up the leased SUV.  Brother-in-law who was on a joint account ended up pulling some of the money into another account so that FIL didn't blow through it all in a couple years.  His response "I'll play that game".  We'd talk to him about finances and his spending and he's say the right things, but never change.

It's infuriating when we're not trying to play a game, we're trying to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless. It's not like it's some huge inheritance we're mad about not getting, we just don't want him to have to live at a soup kitchen. And yet the diabetic still drinks pop and buys prepared food.  We're not going to abandon him, but it sucks when people are selfish.  It feels bad to say, but we all assumed he would die from a diabetic related infection long before MIL.

To be perfectly honest... there are plenty of people who survive on social security, food stamps, low income housing, etc. If he ends up as one of them, he will have done it to himself. It's ok to let him just blow the money and then grumble about being poor, while family makes sure the bare minimum needs are met.

AnnaGrowsAMustache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1941
  • Location: Noo Zilind
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6072 on: November 13, 2020, 11:56:13 PM »
Their marriage was rocky for years but everyone is still pretty upset with FIL because one of the first things he said while in the ER after she passed was "She just got paid and I'm not on the account" 



Yeah.... I think that would be a strong signal to me to let him rot in his own filth. But that's just me.

SavinMaven

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 113
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6073 on: November 14, 2020, 07:44:07 AM »
Quote
we're trying to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless.

I have BTDT and I'm sorry to say, it never works. If he isn't willing to make sure he doesn't starve to death or end up homeless, anyone else trying to do so for him will fail eventually.

I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It has a Christian slant, if that offends you, but it's applicable enough to everyone that it was a NYT bestseller. It's life-changing.

NYExpat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 29
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6074 on: November 18, 2020, 07:18:04 AM »
Thanks for the book recommendation. I think DW may have read it, or something similar. The saga continues. FIL is in the hospital with an infection and will have a toe amputated.  At the end of the last week the DW got a group text with him asking if someone could take him to the hospital because of the the infection.  Several days later he's texting bemoaning the fact that he just bought all this lettuce and tomatoes that are going to go to waster in the fridge. He's resigned himself to the fact that he was going to lose a toe, he just didn't think it would happen so soon. 

SwordGuy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7359
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6075 on: November 18, 2020, 07:20:19 AM »
Thanks for the book recommendation. I think DW may have read it, or something similar. The saga continues. FIL is in the hospital with an infection and will have a toe amputated.  At the end of the last week the DW got a group text with him asking if someone could take him to the hospital because of the the infection.  Several days later he's texting bemoaning the fact that he just bought all this lettuce and tomatoes that are going to go to waster in the fridge. He's resigned himself to the fact that he was going to lose a toe, he just didn't think it would happen so soon.
Because he couldn't just give it away to people who go out of their way to tote him around on demand?

NYExpat

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 29
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6076 on: November 18, 2020, 12:50:58 PM »
Yeah I'm sure that idea never occurred to him. His apartment isn't particularly convenient for the two siblings who are near, so I doubt they'd swing by to grab it. He was likely just saying that so we'd know he bought healthy food, but didn't mention that he likely still has pop/soda in the fridge.  He did text "I think I'm going to need some more toilet paper soon..."  We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer.  He'll likely be in a hospital for a while, but then will likely not be able to drive for even longer.

SwordGuy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7359
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6077 on: November 18, 2020, 01:30:20 PM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

shelivesthedream

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5954
  • Location: London, UK
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6078 on: November 19, 2020, 12:33:10 AM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

SwordGuy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7359
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6079 on: November 19, 2020, 06:23:19 AM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Smokystache

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 407
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6080 on: November 19, 2020, 07:32:34 AM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Username: Confirmed!

DadJokes

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1731
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6081 on: November 19, 2020, 08:58:30 AM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Username: Confirmed!

Shouldn't it be AxeGuy instead?

AlanStache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2003
  • Age: 41
  • Location: South East Virginia
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6082 on: November 19, 2020, 01:26:15 PM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

Complaining about him in a chat room wont change his future behavior.  "Bill, this is an example of what we have talked about in the past.  If you need us to send you some TP paper please directly ask us - we will be happy to help."  Some people dont get what we think would be obvious clues or read the situation the same as we do. 

dandarc

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4140
  • Age: 38
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6083 on: November 19, 2020, 01:53:54 PM »
If we can't complain in chat rooms, I can save $50 / month on internet access.

AlanStache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2003
  • Age: 41
  • Location: South East Virginia
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6084 on: November 19, 2020, 02:00:48 PM »
If we can't complain in chat rooms, I can save $50 / month on internet access.

Ok but else how will you get cat videos and MLM sales pitches from high school acquaintances?

Psychstache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1064
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6085 on: November 19, 2020, 02:03:56 PM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

Complaining about him in a chat room wont change his future behavior.  "Bill, this is an example of what we have talked about in the past.  If you need us to send you some TP paper please directly ask us - we will be happy to help."  Some people dont get what we think would be obvious clues or read the situation the same as we do.

There was another forumite who used to go with (and I have since stolen):

"oh wow. That's a bummer. What's your plan to fix it?"

Just Joe

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4201
  • Age: 125
  • Location: Just past the red barn on the left.
  • Here to learn.
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6086 on: November 19, 2020, 02:21:13 PM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Fighting over a package of toilet paper huh? Or parking space? ;) (Looks like fun)

ysette9

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7095
  • Location: Bay Area, CA
    • The Best Is Yet To Come
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6087 on: November 19, 2020, 02:40:31 PM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.
My 6 year old does this and I don’t feed into it because it also drives me nuts.

“I am thirsty. I need water!”
“Oh, is that so? What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m thirsty. I need you to get me water.”
“That is not how we ask for things around here.”
“Mummy, dearest, can you please get me some water?”
“Ah hah! Yes, I can get you some water.”

ixtap

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2537
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6088 on: November 19, 2020, 04:09:17 PM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.
My 6 year old does this and I don’t feed into it because it also drives me nuts.

“I am thirsty. I need water!”
“Oh, is that so? What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m thirsty. I need you to get me water.”
“That is not how we ask for things around here.”
“Mummy, dearest, can you please get me some water?”
“Ah hah! Yes, I can get you some water.”

That is how I have trained my husband who comes from a family with no communication skills.

-I will take the chicken breast since no one else likes that.
-Uh, actually, there is one breast, three legs and five thighs left.
-I will take the chicken breast...it is always the least popular.
-TAKE THE DAMN CHICKEN BREAST BUT STOP ACTING LIKE IT IS SOME KIND OF MORAL HIGH GROUND


-It is so sweet of you to offer!
-Is that "Yes, thank you" or "Bless your heart"?!?

SwordGuy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7359
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6089 on: November 19, 2020, 06:37:17 PM »
We've told him if he needs something, he should ask for it, but he keeps asking in this really passive aggressive way to see if someone will volunteer. 

I can't stand passive-aggressive behavior.   It's so damn manipulative and dishonest.

I feel for you.

Ugh, that stuff enrages me. I always want to just treat the "hints" at total face value. Like he's just imparted the knowledge that soon he will need some toilet paper. Right. Knowledge received. Move on. Ohhhhh, you wanted to ask meeeee to get some? Why didn't you sayyyyy?

I am not my best self with this crap.

We all have our foibles.   

Constant whiners make me want to get my axe and go all Lizzy Borden on them.   And I know how.   

That short axe I'm holding in my right hand is about to get personal with the other fellow.

Username: Confirmed!

Shouldn't it be AxeGuy instead?

Note in my other hand is a sword that's cutting into his sword arm so he won't be able to hit back in case I miss with the axe...     Rule #1 is "Don't get hit."   Rule #2 is "Hit the other person."   Priorities matter. :)