My mom keeps saying she wants my brother and I to have a good relationship, and I know the work of that would just fall on me. I don't know if I'll sever all lines of communication, but I've just decided I'm not going to strain myself over it, and if the relationship is a bit fake or shallow that's fine if that keeps me safe and sane. And if I have to cut him, and even my mom, out of my life, I'll do it.
Thank you.
And thank YOU, scrunchythief, for saying the above--I really needed to hear every word of that, myself, especially the bolded. Fake and shallow are not my standard operating procedure, but that may in some cases be the best of all possible outcomes. As soon as "safe and sane" are clearly out of the question, then other choices can and must be made.
Thank you. :)
When dealing with a basically dishonest, corrupt, or predatory person, the best you can ever hope for is a cursory acquaintanceship. For that, all a person has to do is to be polite when you meet by chance. This means that if you're both guests at a large party, you greet them and conduct a civil conversation in which you give them absolutely no information about yourself. Be mannerly and polite, as though you were talking to a stranger. Any structured involvement where there's some sort of social contract is simply too much, because you're dealing with a person who basically gets off on violating social contracts. Making even the slightest effort at social interaction will backfire because the toxic person interprets it as an invitation to do inappropriate and toxic things, and abuse whatever access you're providing. This means you don't invite this person to your home, you don't treat them to meals, you don't exchange gifts or holiday cards, and you don't friend them on social media. You don't call them, text them, write to them, or meet them for lunch. You don't vent to them, you don't pass news along, you don't deliver messages from other people, and you don't discuss any problems you might be having. Anything you say can and will be used against you later. You also don't discuss them behind their back or send messages to them using other people as go-betweens. You also don't speak to them or interact with them alone. Make sure another person is present at all times. The presence of a witness often deters a toxic person from making a false accusation. Above all, don't do anything that might lead others to believe you and the toxic person are on good terms, because they can and will use your credibility to con others. Even holiday gift exchanges or being "friends" on social media is too much.
Corrupt people are adept at muddying the waters so that their actions and decisions appear to be reasonable. They're great at pretending to be socially awkward, "on the spectrum", or otherwise not accountable for their actions. There's always some kind of pretense of not being able to understand or remember when it's time to reciprocate a good turn, or what the standards and expectations are when it comes to respecting other people's boundaries and treating them well. But in reality it's just a pretense: when someone else does the same thing to them, they're suddenly and magically able to recognize inappropriate behavior when they see it. Toxic people cannot continue to function unless they're able to obfuscate the real issue, which is their decision to deliberately violate boundaries and social expectations. They do it to avoid consequences. They do it because the only way they will get to continue to trade on the benefit of other people's doubt is to generate a flaming metric ton of doubt in the first place.
There's a minimum safe distance from dysfunction, if you want to have a happy life yourself. No contact is very extreme, but it's sometimes necessary. The worst thing you can do is alternating periods of no contact and full contact: it sends the message that your "no" is meaningless and that your boundaries and standards aren't real-- in short, that you're the one who is the fake, or the drama artist, or the person responsible for the problem.