Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 3478316 times)

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5000 on: November 18, 2018, 07:23:10 PM »
So anyone have any holiday specific dysfunctional family stories?

Roadrunner53

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5001 on: November 19, 2018, 06:00:09 AM »
Yes, my dysfunctional in laws. This was years ago and they are no longer alive. I am an only child so this dysfunction was alarming to me! They had a small house and would invite around 14 people over for dinner. Their table only fit the normal 8 at best. Then they had a smaller table for several kids. The adults got to eat in 'shifts'. UGH! Plus, there was never any organization and someone would have to run to the store at the last minute to pick up something or another. Too crowded, eating in shifts and disorganization. I despised every minute of it! There was no real joy in eating. If you were the first shift you kind of had to hurry up so the second shift could eat. By second shift, food was cold. Then the one brother in law had a very bad temper and would always cause drama by screaming and hollering about something. UGH!

Kitsune

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5002 on: November 19, 2018, 07:45:09 AM »
So anyone have any holiday specific dysfunctional family stories?

... enough to write a novel.

I think my favorite not-hurtful dysfunction was the couple of friends my mother had invited over one year - we all live in the country, they were spending Christmas alone...

So, setting: full country. We have a gate closing off a long driveway, because that keeps the animals in, the predators out, and the neighbor's gigantic bull with large horns OUT of the orchard where it knocks down trees and knocks down the other fence to get to the 2nd neighbor's purebred cows (... farm, ok. FARM.) It's a typical country setting: you get to a place,  you open the gate, move the car, close it behind you, move on. Kind of a hassle, but just part of the environment. When we know that guests are coming over, we try and open the gates before they get there and then walk down to close it (because it's a balance of livestock containment and hassle for guests), but, y'know. Country farm. It's just kind of part of life.

So those friends get there a half hour early, see the closed gate at the bottom of a farmhouse driveway, get Terribly Offended, and drive home. An hour after they're expected (so an hour and a half after that...) my mom calls them, because she's worried that they're sick/injured/whatever and they RIP into her for DARING to invite them over and not opening the farmhouse gate a half hour early in preparation for their arrival. The phrase 'we hope everyone's Christmas is RUINED' was actually uttered.

It was just the most outlandish overreaction... *rolls eyes* Let's say it was the last time they were invited to ANYTHING.

merula

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5003 on: November 19, 2018, 09:34:11 AM »
Cast of characters: Sister (my sister), BIL (sister's husband), MIL (BIL's mom), FIL (BIL's dad), SDIL (step-dad-in-law, MIL's husband), Brother (BIL's brother, my sister's brother-in-law).

Sister married a guy with divorced parents (BIL), but her FIL is pretty anti-social and anti-holiday that he just went with whatever post-divorce. Her MIL is used to 100% involvement from her children for holidays, even though that typically just meant "kids spend Christmas Day at home, playing with Christmas presents and maybe a board game". Not anywhere near a "We've coordinated 30 extended family members who want to see you, you need to show up at exactly this time or Great Auntie Mabel will be very upset she missed you".

So, post-marriage, sister and BIL try to figure out a way to schedule Christmas. My side of the family is difficult because with other in-law-obligation issues we have to get together on Christmas Day. Sister and BIL arrange to meet with FIL at some random weekend around Christmas, and spend all of Christmas Eve with MIL. About a week before Christmas, MIL realizes that this means that she won't see sister and BIL at all on Christmas Day. She gets upset.

In an effort to keep the peace, BIL offers to come over on Christmas morning, but they have to leave by 10 to get to my family's gathering. Ok, great, says MIL. Sister and BIL get up at the buttcrack of dawn ON CHRISTMAS to get to MIL's at 8 as agreed. MIL, SDIL and Brother are all in pajamas and haven't started breakfast. Sister and BIL sit around while they get dressed and putter around making a fancy breakfast. They all eat breakfast together. It's now 10:15. Sister and BIL are already late to their main Christmas obligation.

MIL starts crying. "Can't you just stay for one board game? We hardly got to see you at all."

saguaro

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5004 on: November 19, 2018, 10:23:35 AM »
In an effort to keep the peace, BIL offers to come over on Christmas morning, but they have to leave by 10 to get to my family's gathering. Ok, great, says MIL. Sister and BIL get up at the buttcrack of dawn ON CHRISTMAS to get to MIL's at 8 as agreed. MIL, SDIL and Brother are all in pajamas and haven't started breakfast. Sister and BIL sit around while they get dressed and putter around making a fancy breakfast. They all eat breakfast together. It's now 10:15. Sister and BIL are already late to their main Christmas obligation.

MIL starts crying. "Can't you just stay for one board game? We hardly got to see you at all."

This reminds me of the one time DH and I attempted to see both sides of the family on Thanksgiving.  Typically we alternated years, one year with DH's family, the next year with mine and so on.   I don't remember why we tried this but only once convinced us to go back to alternating.  On this day, we were going to SIL's in the afternoon and then my uncle's home for the evening.  There involved an hour's driving time between SIL and uncle.

We arrive at SIL's house, as SIL insisted that all family celebrations be at her house (a topic for another post).   Turns that we are not the only ones planning to see other relatives, SIL's MIL and her boyfriend were planning to see boyfriend's family afterward.  SIL is taking her sweet time getting everything on table, she needs me and MIL to help her out do most of the work to finally get things moving.   We finally sit down crammed around the kitchen table.  Then, when dinner is over, SIL says we have to stay for birthday cake as nephew's birthday is around Thanksgiving.   Oh, but wait, the birthday cake is in the freezer, it's only right then she takes it out to thaw.  None of us (me, DH, SIL's MIL and boyfriend) want to act like a jerk around nephew (who is around 7) by saying we don't want to stick around for cake and deprive him of his "happy birthday" as we are aunt (me), uncle (DH), grandmother (SIL MIL) and sort of step-grandfather (the boyfriend) to this kid.

Finally get through the "happy birthday" and cake thing then we immediately get up to go.  SIL doesn't understand why we have to leave, what part of we have to get to another family Thanksgiving doesn't she understand.   Things get a little testy but we finally get out of there and on the way to uncle's house.  SIL MIL and boyfriend leave at same time, clearly annoyed.  Arrive at uncle's house late but that's ok because uncle procrastinates like crazy and relatives were still waiting to sit down to dinner.

I told DH we would never try that again.  MIL has always complained about her daughter, but this is where SIL's passive agressiveness was in full display.  At least we didn't take it personally because she was doing the same thing to her MIL, her supposedly "best friend".  That was telling.  Still annoying though.   At least this time, my uncle's own quirkiness worked in our favor.

These days, the family gatherings on the in-law side have changed, and we no longer go.   Long story for another post but considering all the drama we hear about afterward, it's probably a blessing.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5005 on: November 19, 2018, 10:53:21 AM »
I have decided to fuck off for the holidays this year: I'm taking the Venomous Spaz Beast and either hiding out or going on the road.

No more waiting around, alone, while the special meal I fixed gets cold and all the invited guests Have Other Plans or just plain don't show up.

No more having people show up late, several hours after the meal and with uninvited extras in tow, asking for "to-go" boxes after all the food has been put away. No more having the few attendees bitch about this, that, or the other thing... or refuse to eat anything because they've already eaten somewhere else.

No more putting up decorations for people who aren't going to show because they have other parties with more important and more interesting people. Given that they haven't been bothered to show up at my place for three years running, I feel no need to continue to provide what they don't want.

No more buying gifts for my daughter or for others and receiving fuck-all in return.

Just no more.

I'm going to a friend's house on Thanksgiving and bringing cranberries and a notorious vegetable dish known as "hardcore cornography."

The day after, I'm hosting a Wolfenoot open house from 4 to 7 PM, as an alternative to Black Friday. Because fuck Thanksgiving.

For Giftmas this year, I'll be stuffing stockings for the kids and telling them that because they've blown me off for three years straight, this is it: if they still continue to give gifts to other people and not acknowledge me with so much as a pair of fuzzy socks, I will be making no holiday gifts in the future. It's the end of the road for the one-way street.

Then, I will literally drive off into the sunset with a six-pack of Dos Equis and the Venomous Spaz Beast. I hope to visit a national park and spend time with the one creature on this green Earth who loves and appreciates me and who isn't either wrapped up in her own problems or trying to gouge me for as much as she can get.

/bliss
/freedom
/doggie kisses

saguaro

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5006 on: November 19, 2018, 11:08:10 AM »
I'm going to a friend's house on Thanksgiving and bringing cranberries and a notorious vegetable dish known as "hardcore cornography."

LOL'd at this.   I would love to know what's in this recipe!

On the serious side, I don't blame you at all for making different holiday plans.  DH and I do our own thing for Christmas Eve instead of attending his family's insane Giftmas.  He's not willing to give a bunch of gifts to a bunch of family members he barely even sees. 

PrairieBeardstache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5007 on: November 19, 2018, 11:29:14 AM »
I'm going to a friend's house on Thanksgiving and bringing cranberries and a notorious vegetable dish known as "hardcore cornography."

LOL'd at this.   I would love to know what's in this recipe!

On the serious side, I don't blame you at all for making different holiday plans.  DH and I do our own thing for Christmas Eve instead of attending his family's insane Giftmas.  He's not willing to give a bunch of gifts to a bunch of family members he barely even sees.

Last year I went on a ski vacation. Much better.

Family insists on giving gifts - why? I don't understand the purpose. None of them have even _seen_ the place that I live. It's not like it's an uncomfortable place to be, it's a loft space in a trendy area. Why do I need to give them gifts or they give them to me?

This year I think I'm going to chill in my little space and enjoy how quiet it is.

Sugaree

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5008 on: November 19, 2018, 11:38:33 AM »
So anyone have any holiday specific dysfunctional family stories?

Not necessarily my family, but more like my chosen family (my long-time best friend's family).  Christmas at their house has always been....obnoxious.   They've never had a whole lot of money.  Best friend has paid her mom and dad's rent since she was 15.  At 21 she was able to claim 6 or 7 dependents on her taxes because she was the only adult in the household working.  On paper anyway.  But somehow they manage to pull off huge Christmases.  Like Mt. St. Nick erupted in their living rooms.  I know that they are really into Black Friday shopping and stuff, but there's no way that they aren't spending $1000 per kid/grandkid now.  I hate taking my kid over there because I know that sooner or later he's going to start to ask why her daughter, who is the same age, gets so much stuff from her family, and he only gets one "big" gift and a couple of other smaller things.

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5009 on: November 19, 2018, 12:23:13 PM »
We invite family and friends over for lunch on Xmas. I make the main dish and everyone brings something.  Everyone brings a white elephant gift that they made or something they own that they don’t want. You draw numbers to see who gets to pick a gift first and stealing is allowed. It’s a lot of fun and doesn’t cost anything.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5010 on: November 19, 2018, 01:19:14 PM »
Hardcore Cornography

Ingredients:
6 cups corn, uncooked (canned or frozen is fine, but thaw and drain it)
12 oz. bacon, sliced and then cut into 1 cm strips cross-wise
2/3 cup chopped green onions
Optional: 1/3 cup diced green chile
Salt, paprika, and pepper to taste

In as good-sized skillet, cook the chopped-up bacon in its own grease.
Once the bacon is crispy, remove it from the pan temporarily.
I find it good to do the bacon in two or three rounds.
In the bacon grease coated pan, saute the corn just enough to blacken it.
Add the bacon back in along with the green onions and the (optional) green chile.
Remove from heat. Stir.
Add salt, pepper, and paprika to taste. (I find salt unnecessary because of the bacon.)
Dump the whole mess in a bowl and serve it hot.

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5011 on: November 19, 2018, 01:50:25 PM »
In an effort to keep the peace, BIL offers to come over on Christmas morning, but they have to leave by 10 to get to my family's gathering. Ok, great, says MIL. Sister and BIL get up at the buttcrack of dawn ON CHRISTMAS to get to MIL's at 8 as agreed. MIL, SDIL and Brother are all in pajamas and haven't started breakfast. Sister and BIL sit around while they get dressed and putter around making a fancy breakfast. They all eat breakfast together. It's now 10:15. Sister and BIL are already late to their main Christmas obligation.

MIL starts crying. "Can't you just stay for one board game? We hardly got to see you at all."

This reminds me of the one time DH and I attempted to see both sides of the family on Thanksgiving.  Typically we alternated years, one year with DH's family, the next year with mine and so on.   I don't remember why we tried this but only once convinced us to go back to alternating.  On this day, we were going to SIL's in the afternoon and then my uncle's home for the evening.  There involved an hour's driving time between SIL and uncle.

We arrive at SIL's house, as SIL insisted that all family celebrations be at her house (a topic for another post).   Turns that we are not the only ones planning to see other relatives, SIL's MIL and her boyfriend were planning to see boyfriend's family afterward.  SIL is taking her sweet time getting everything on table, she needs me and MIL to help her out do most of the work to finally get things moving.   We finally sit down crammed around the kitchen table.  Then, when dinner is over, SIL says we have to stay for birthday cake as nephew's birthday is around Thanksgiving.   Oh, but wait, the birthday cake is in the freezer, it's only right then she takes it out to thaw.  None of us (me, DH, SIL's MIL and boyfriend) want to act like a jerk around nephew (who is around 7) by saying we don't want to stick around for cake and deprive him of his "happy birthday" as we are aunt (me), uncle (DH), grandmother (SIL MIL) and sort of step-grandfather (the boyfriend) to this kid.

Finally get through the "happy birthday" and cake thing then we immediately get up to go.  SIL doesn't understand why we have to leave, what part of we have to get to another family Thanksgiving doesn't she understand.   Things get a little testy but we finally get out of there and on the way to uncle's house.  SIL MIL and boyfriend leave at same time, clearly annoyed.  Arrive at uncle's house late but that's ok because uncle procrastinates like crazy and relatives were still waiting to sit down to dinner.

I told DH we would never try that again.  MIL has always complained about her daughter, but this is where SIL's passive agressiveness was in full display.  At least we didn't take it personally because she was doing the same thing to her MIL, her supposedly "best friend".  That was telling.  Still annoying though.   At least this time, my uncle's own quirkiness worked in our favor.

These days, the family gatherings on the in-law side have changed, and we no longer go.   Long story for another post but considering all the drama we hear about afterward, it's probably a blessing.
Years ago when I was in the Navy, I met a new guy in my office.  He was 22, recently married to his HS sweetheart.  I asked him what he was doing for Thanksgiving (or Christmas?)  He said "nothing".  I thought that it was a bit odd because he was only 22, we lived in DC, which wasn't too far from his hometown in PA.  But then he told me the story.

His parents, and her parents, (both) are very territorial.  At the prior holiday (or when they got married, my  memory is fuzzy), they had to see both families on the same day.   Because one family got more time than the other the other family asked nicely if they could do breakfast before they headed back home.  So, they did.  The first family that didn't get breakfast got all butthurt and freaked the fuck out because THEY WEREN'T THE LAST ONES TO SEE THEM BEFORE THEY LEFT.  So, they just stopped going to visit family on holidays.  (Funniest thing is, this guy and his wife and kids moved to Europe eventually.  Guess that worked out for the parents, eh?)

Apples

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5012 on: November 19, 2018, 02:19:13 PM »
Two in-laws stories:

The year DH and I got engaged, I learned how crazy his family actually is.  SIL fumed that he gave me "her" blanket when I was chilly on the couch.  It was just the regular living room blanket.  MIL did many repetitions of "do you like your new (far away) state?  are you sure?  don't want to move any closer?" (we live on the farm I work on and will one day own.....umm we're not going to move away lady.)  Finally, SIL spent the last night we were there, for 2 hours tucked away with the door locked, trying to convince my fiance to not marry me.  Now-DH told me the next day on the car ride home, and asked me not to let her know that I know.  I should have called her and chewed her out and un-bridesmaid'd her.  But DH didn't want that.  Anyway, for years I was glad we were 11 hours away and our wedding day was awkward due to weird not-quite-tension.

At another family gathering, my MIL got up from dinner after getting sick and tired of SIL being drunk and mean to her, and decided to walk home.  2 miles, on several random streets, in an unfamiliar town, in the pouring rain.  Without her phone.  Pretended she was going to the bathroom, then never came back.  Apparently she used to do this more regularly about 15 years ago.  Giant family search for her.  She arrived back where we were staying (I had been stationed there to wait instead of looking for her), looked at me, smiled and said hello, then said she was going for a hot shower.  She and SIL had an argument out on the porch for about an hour afterward.  Yay family vacation.  Not holiday specific, but I think it rounds out the picture of my in-laws.

saguaro

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5013 on: November 19, 2018, 02:38:14 PM »
His parents, and her parents, (both) are very territorial.  At the prior holiday (or when they got married, my  memory is fuzzy), they had to see both families on the same day.   Because one family got more time than the other the other family asked nicely if they could do breakfast before they headed back home.  So, they did.  The first family that didn't get breakfast got all butthurt and freaked the fuck out because THEY WEREN'T THE LAST ONES TO SEE THEM BEFORE THEY LEFT.  So, they just stopped going to visit family on holidays.  (Funniest thing is, this guy and his wife and kids moved to Europe eventually.  Guess that worked out for the parents, eh?)

This is not related to holidays but somewhat pertinent.  Not only being territorial but the insistence that everything be "fair" on both sides.   DH's family gets really weird about the fact that my family, well, celebrates things more.  Like birthdays, first communions, graduations, etc. unlike DH's immediate family does not.  Our niece and nephew's school graduations went uncelebrated, SIL couldn't be bothered to even tell family when they were.  First communions didn't happen.   Birthdays were parties with just parents, grandparents and other sibling at the local pizza joint.  There seemed to be no kids' parties.   Combined with the fact that my family is larger compared to DH's small family (both his parents are only children so therefore no aunts/uncles/first cousins) that multiplies the celebrations that we go to on my side of the family than his side.  Just what it is: there's more people who do more things. 

But that doesn't prevent the in-laws getting all freaked out that we do more with my family.   It got worse when my sister had two kids, so then now we have my sister's kids in addition to SIL's two kids and they got into this weird competition mode.  They are absolutely convinced that we treat my sister's kids more favorably than we treat SIL's kids, when the truth is we have been fair to both when there's an event to be celebrated.  Nephews on my side got first communion gifts, niece / nephew on DH's side did not because they didn't go to church much less have a first communion.   Even my niece's wedding (SIL daughter) was a quiet event in Vegas with just 10 people in attendance, which is fine, but even though we were not invited to this event along with a lot of other family, we still gave a gift.  It was the right thing for an aunt and uncle to do.  Yet, somehow they get on a tear about how "unfair" we are.



merula

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5014 on: November 19, 2018, 03:01:12 PM »
This is not related to holidays but somewhat pertinent.  Not only being territorial but the insistence that everything be "fair" on both sides.

I have a theory that no one is ever entirely "fair" about doing things with both sides of the family evenly. There are differences in proximity, number, frequency of celebrations, etc., but also in the closeness of various family members. This only becomes a problem when someone is hurt about being on the losing end but unwilling to change any of the dynamics that influenced that state of affairs.

For example, saguaro, if your in-laws would have more gatherings, you would attend them. If your husband's parents were close to more distant family (don't they have cousins?), you'd celebrate with those folks. If they were more rational and reasonable, you might instigate more gatherings. "Hey DH, haven't seen your family in awhile, let's have them over for dinner just because."

In my life, my sister and my husband's grandpa have the same birthday, which is also very near my mom's. Every year, something gets planned to celebrate Sister and Mom's birthdays, generally 3-4 weeks ahead of time so that people can plan around it. For years I would ask my husband, and sometimes my MIL, if anything had been planned for Grandpa. "Nope, haven't heard anything." And then we get a call ~3 days before, "Hey, we're getting together on Grandpa's birthday, can you make it?" "Nope, we already have plans." And then feelings are hurt.

This has been going on for FIFTEEN YEARS. It's not new.

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5015 on: November 19, 2018, 03:05:37 PM »
I have decided to fuck off for the holidays this year: I'm taking the Venomous Spaz Beast and either hiding out or going on the road.

No more waiting around, alone, while the special meal I fixed gets cold and all the invited guests Have Other Plans or just plain don't show up.

No more having people show up late, several hours after the meal and with uninvited extras in tow, asking for "to-go" boxes after all the food has been put away. No more having the few attendees bitch about this, that, or the other thing... or refuse to eat anything because they've already eaten somewhere else.

No more putting up decorations for people who aren't going to show because they have other parties with more important and more interesting people. Given that they haven't been bothered to show up at my place for three years running, I feel no need to continue to provide what they don't want.

No more buying gifts for my daughter or for others and receiving fuck-all in return.

Just no more.

I'm going to a friend's house on Thanksgiving and bringing cranberries and a notorious vegetable dish known as "hardcore cornography."

The day after, I'm hosting a Wolfenoot open house from 4 to 7 PM, as an alternative to Black Friday. Because fuck Thanksgiving.

For Giftmas this year, I'll be stuffing stockings for the kids and telling them that because they've blown me off for three years straight, this is it: if they still continue to give gifts to other people and not acknowledge me with so much as a pair of fuzzy socks, I will be making no holiday gifts in the future. It's the end of the road for the one-way street.

Then, I will literally drive off into the sunset with a six-pack of Dos Equis and the Venomous Spaz Beast. I hope to visit a national park and spend time with the one creature on this green Earth who loves and appreciates me and who isn't either wrapped up in her own problems or trying to gouge me for as much as she can get.

/bliss
/freedom
/doggie kisses
It always makes me sad and incredulous at the same time when you mention people who just don't show up.  I'd be there early with a bottle of wine and bells on!  That corn recipe looks soooo good.

I think for us, the advantage of living so damn far from family is freedom on holidays.  Thanksgiving and Christmas.

We've done all manner of things-
- Traveled to Legoland, stayed in a hotel, eaten a nice dinner out with very old friends who happened to be in town
- Gone camping in the desert, long road trip to Grand Canyon, dinner with my cousins in Phoenix
- 24 hour train ride to Lamy, NM (if we ever did that again, we'd stop in ALB and rent a car) and a week long visit with some of our oldest friends in Santa Fe.  We traveled on Christmas day
- weeklong stomach flu at Thanksgiving.  Not my favorite holiday - saltines and applesauce
- Big hosted dinners.  It's been awhile since we've done this, with the kids and all.  This year, we invited the neighbors because my hubby "misses" the big dinners.  He likes being with people.  Instead, they decided to host us.  So we'll make our "heart attack on a plate" mashed potatoes, cornbread stuffing, a green vegetable, and the famous icebox rolls and take them over.

Enjoy the Dos Equis and National park

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5016 on: November 19, 2018, 03:35:41 PM »
I have decided to fuck off for the holidays this year: I'm taking the Venomous Spaz Beast and either hiding out or going on the road.

No more waiting around, alone, while the special meal I fixed gets cold and all the invited guests Have Other Plans or just plain don't show up.

No more having people show up late, several hours after the meal and with uninvited extras in tow, asking for "to-go" boxes after all the food has been put away. No more having the few attendees bitch about this, that, or the other thing... or refuse to eat anything because they've already eaten somewhere else.

No more putting up decorations for people who aren't going to show because they have other parties with more important and more interesting people. Given that they haven't been bothered to show up at my place for three years running, I feel no need to continue to provide what they don't want.

No more buying gifts for my daughter or for others and receiving fuck-all in return.

Just no more.

I'm going to a friend's house on Thanksgiving and bringing cranberries and a notorious vegetable dish known as "hardcore cornography."

The day after, I'm hosting a Wolfenoot open house from 4 to 7 PM, as an alternative to Black Friday. Because fuck Thanksgiving.

For Giftmas this year, I'll be stuffing stockings for the kids and telling them that because they've blown me off for three years straight, this is it: if they still continue to give gifts to other people and not acknowledge me with so much as a pair of fuzzy socks, I will be making no holiday gifts in the future. It's the end of the road for the one-way street.

Then, I will literally drive off into the sunset with a six-pack of Dos Equis and the Venomous Spaz Beast. I hope to visit a national park and spend time with the one creature on this green Earth who loves and appreciates me and who isn't either wrapped up in her own problems or trying to gouge me for as much as she can get.

/bliss
/freedom
/doggie kisses
It always makes me sad and incredulous at the same time when you mention people who just don't show up.  I'd be there early with a bottle of wine and bells on!  That corn recipe looks soooo good.

I think for us, the advantage of living so damn far from family is freedom on holidays.  Thanksgiving and Christmas.

We've done all manner of things-
- Traveled to Legoland, stayed in a hotel, eaten a nice dinner out with very old friends who happened to be in town
- Gone camping in the desert, long road trip to Grand Canyon, dinner with my cousins in Phoenix
- 24 hour train ride to Lamy, NM (if we ever did that again, we'd stop in ALB and rent a car) and a week long visit with some of our oldest friends in Santa Fe.  We traveled on Christmas day
- weeklong stomach flu at Thanksgiving.  Not my favorite holiday - saltines and applesauce
- Big hosted dinners.  It's been awhile since we've done this, with the kids and all.  This year, we invited the neighbors because my hubby "misses" the big dinners.  He likes being with people.  Instead, they decided to host us.  So we'll make our "heart attack on a plate" mashed potatoes, cornbread stuffing, a green vegetable, and the famous icebox rolls and take them over.

Enjoy the Dos Equis and National park

If you're taking the train to Lamy, rent your car in ABQ not ALB. Albany, NY is a 36 hour drive.

National parks are generally deserted on Christmas.

saguaro

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5017 on: November 19, 2018, 03:40:02 PM »
First off, shout out to @TheGrimSqueaker in thanks for recipe.   Looks good and I will definitely try it.

For example, saguaro, if your in-laws would have more gatherings, you would attend them. If your husband's parents were close to more distant family (don't they have cousins?), you'd celebrate with those folks. If they were more rational and reasonable, you might instigate more gatherings. "Hey DH, haven't seen your family in awhile, let's have them over for dinner just because."

Most definitely if there were more gatherings, we would be there.  For a few years, after our niece got married she and her husband hosted more gatherings because in her words "she wanted to celebrate things", that is what happened.   However, that was back when she had 1 kid.   Now there's 4 kids, so more demands on her time and finances.   There's some tension with the husband's family so they don't attend anymore, so they appear to have fallen back to how things were celebrated (or not celebrated) before.   Even my MIL and FIL have to fight to be included on these events.  There were more events with some second cousins when they had kids (baptisms / birthdays) but due to a falling out with MIL and FIL that stopped as well.   

In my life, my sister and my husband's grandpa have the same birthday, which is also very near my mom's. Every year, something gets planned to celebrate Sister and Mom's birthdays, generally 3-4 weeks ahead of time so that people can plan around it. For years I would ask my husband, and sometimes my MIL, if anything had been planned for Grandpa. "Nope, haven't heard anything." And then we get a call ~3 days before, "Hey, we're getting together on Grandpa's birthday, can you make it?" "Nope, we already have plans." And then feelings are hurt.

This is part of the problem, some events are set up last minute and we are unable to attend due to previous plans.   We couldn't attend MIL's 80th birthday because it was thrown together at the last minute. 

I personally have tried to set up celebrations at my home, to no avail.   SIL has effectively commandeered all events in the immediate in-law family so that the times I offered, it was like I was upstaging her causing all kinds of drama.   Even though she won't bother much, she won't allow someone else to take over, with the exception of her daughter because it's still having control.  DH asked me not to try again so I haven't.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5018 on: November 19, 2018, 04:57:44 PM »
Throwing a party together at the last minute is a very expensive and stressful way to do things. But it's situation normal in people who live chaotic, "spontaneous" lifestyles. I find that some folks live day to day or even minute to minute, and because their plans change without notice and they will not hold up their end of an agreement, it's absolutely impossible to make long-term plans involving them. The behavior is embedded so deeply it seems to be cultural, with each family having its own internal clock.

In my daughter's family, only people with grandchildren host, and the custom is to migrate around between various hosts within the same town, visiting each but not necessarily staying for long. The only time people host is for a holiday or a religious event, and the only acceptable structure is an open house wherein people drop in. They do not do "mealtimes". The concept of dinner being at a specific time is lost on them, but it doesn't matter because the service is buffet style and the kind of food prepared can safely sit and simmer for hours without the quality being affected. The rest of the time, they don't host: they go to restaurants. Trying to get one of them to commit to something like a dinner party is extremely difficult because they simply won't show up on time, and when they wander in 45 minutes after the food has been served, they bitch about how they don't like this, that, or the other thing. They believe the food is "bad" because after sitting and waiting 45 minutes it's become cold and unpalatable. Sometimes they arrive very early, or very late, or they don't show up at all. Overall, they can't be hosted at events that have a mealtime.

I once compared my father's family to a flock of birds: no discussion, no real communication, no central leader or organizer, and then without warning there's a general movement as though everyone is flapping off to the same location. It's extremely last-minute and higgledy-piggledy, which means that the celebrations tend to be small and local. On the plus side, the wedding receptions are cheap and easy-- cake and punch-- so people don't expect anything big or formal. There's an advantage to that from a frugality perspective. On the down side, it's very unfriendly to outsiders or to family members who live far away, because it's simply impossible to find out about an event in time to attend it. The lack of communication is so intense that it comes across as a deliberate attempt to make sure we don't show up, so that they can continue griping about how the excluded person doesn't show up or participate.

Then of course there's my mother's family: dates are announced several months in advance, and an official invitation must be sent out one month to two weeks before a major festivity. Everything is done in the home (yay frugality!). In my small home I can only handle a small party of 20 seated or 35 open-house. But to ensure that everyone has a seat and a meal, and to minimize waste, it's important to have a reliable head count. Ingredients have to be bought and made in advance to ensure that everyone's dietary needs are met. So the drop-in, "maybe" response to invitations is incredibly vexing.

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5019 on: November 20, 2018, 07:40:15 AM »
We’re spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws. This includes my young niece and nephew, who collectively eat about 12 foods. Fortunately I’ve been tasked with making stuffing (which they won’t eat), gravy (which they won’t eat), and cheesecake (which they won’t eat), so it isn’t at all my responsibility to make sure that they consume a fruit or vegetable.

Regarding time spent with sides of families: this is always challenging. I’m an only child who has good adult relationships with both parents, and husband and I live only a few miles from my parents. Most of my extended family is in the same metro area. Husband isn’t close with his parents, and they and the rest of his immediate family (and most of the extended family) live a few hours away. We obviously see my family more by default. After 15 years, I’m done feeling guilty about it.

Regarding dysfunctional family holiday situations, 20-ish years ago my dad’s older sister called him up to tell him that the rest of the siblings had voted not to invite my parents and me to future family gatherings. (I don’t know the exact timing; I was away at school and assumed we didn’t spend time with that family because of a fight, not because we’d been disowned.) That decree was later reversed when the sociopathic middle child (who has bullied dad since childhood) moved out of state. I think my dad’s younger sister was the only one to ever apologize; everyone else acts like nothing happened. I like my cousins well enough but don’t trust my aunts and uncles anymore.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5020 on: November 20, 2018, 11:58:49 AM »
We’re spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws. This includes my young niece and nephew, who collectively eat about 12 foods. Fortunately I’ve been tasked with making stuffing (which they won’t eat), gravy (which they won’t eat), and cheesecake (which they won’t eat), so it isn’t at all my responsibility to make sure that they consume a fruit or vegetable.

Regarding time spent with sides of families: this is always challenging. I’m an only child who has good adult relationships with both parents, and husband and I live only a few miles from my parents. Most of my extended family is in the same metro area. Husband isn’t close with his parents, and they and the rest of his immediate family (and most of the extended family) live a few hours away. We obviously see my family more by default. After 15 years, I’m done feeling guilty about it.

Regarding dysfunctional family holiday situations, 20-ish years ago my dad’s older sister called him up to tell him that the rest of the siblings had voted not to invite my parents and me to future family gatherings. (I don’t know the exact timing; I was away at school and assumed we didn’t spend time with that family because of a fight, not because we’d been disowned.) That decree was later reversed when the sociopathic middle child (who has bullied dad since childhood) moved out of state. I think my dad’s younger sister was the only one to ever apologize; everyone else acts like nothing happened. I like my cousins well enough but don’t trust my aunts and uncles anymore.

You do realize, don't you, that it's going to happen again. The entire family knew they had a little toxic emperor of a middle child, and they chose to allow the bullying to occur and to deliberately expel the victim instead of addressing the root cause of the problem. They knew what they were doing was backwards and inappropriate, but they did it anyway, and aside from the one sibling who apologized, everyone else thinks it's just tickety-bickety and pretends they didn't have anything to do with what happened.

This group of people is going to continue to pee on your leg and tell you it's raining. They are simply not capable of doing otherwise, and even though the younger sister made the requisite mouth noises after the fact she didn't raise a finger to help back when the nonsense was really going down. She was too busy kowtowing to the designated emperor like the rest.

You're 100% right to mistrust your aunts and uncles. However, any of the cousins over the age of majority should probably be steered clear of too, because look at the kind of environment they grew up in, and what they too were willing to go along with.

It's only a matter of time before the family elects another emperor, and only a matter of time before they need another scapegoat. Run. Run for the hills while you and your parents have a chance. Enjoy the relatively non-toxic life you've built together.

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5021 on: November 20, 2018, 01:47:54 PM »
I have decided to fuck off for the holidays this year: I'm taking the Venomous Spaz Beast and either hiding out or going on the road.

No more waiting around, alone, while the special meal I fixed gets cold and all the invited guests Have Other Plans or just plain don't show up.

No more having people show up late, several hours after the meal and with uninvited extras in tow, asking for "to-go" boxes after all the food has been put away. No more having the few attendees bitch about this, that, or the other thing... or refuse to eat anything because they've already eaten somewhere else.

No more putting up decorations for people who aren't going to show because they have other parties with more important and more interesting people. Given that they haven't been bothered to show up at my place for three years running, I feel no need to continue to provide what they don't want.

No more buying gifts for my daughter or for others and receiving fuck-all in return.

Just no more.

I'm going to a friend's house on Thanksgiving and bringing cranberries and a notorious vegetable dish known as "hardcore cornography."

The day after, I'm hosting a Wolfenoot open house from 4 to 7 PM, as an alternative to Black Friday. Because fuck Thanksgiving.

For Giftmas this year, I'll be stuffing stockings for the kids and telling them that because they've blown me off for three years straight, this is it: if they still continue to give gifts to other people and not acknowledge me with so much as a pair of fuzzy socks, I will be making no holiday gifts in the future. It's the end of the road for the one-way street.

Then, I will literally drive off into the sunset with a six-pack of Dos Equis and the Venomous Spaz Beast. I hope to visit a national park and spend time with the one creature on this green Earth who loves and appreciates me and who isn't either wrapped up in her own problems or trying to gouge me for as much as she can get.

/bliss
/freedom
/doggie kisses
It always makes me sad and incredulous at the same time when you mention people who just don't show up.  I'd be there early with a bottle of wine and bells on!  That corn recipe looks soooo good.

I think for us, the advantage of living so damn far from family is freedom on holidays.  Thanksgiving and Christmas.

We've done all manner of things-
- Traveled to Legoland, stayed in a hotel, eaten a nice dinner out with very old friends who happened to be in town
- Gone camping in the desert, long road trip to Grand Canyon, dinner with my cousins in Phoenix
- 24 hour train ride to Lamy, NM (if we ever did that again, we'd stop in ALB and rent a car) and a week long visit with some of our oldest friends in Santa Fe.  We traveled on Christmas day
- weeklong stomach flu at Thanksgiving.  Not my favorite holiday - saltines and applesauce
- Big hosted dinners.  It's been awhile since we've done this, with the kids and all.  This year, we invited the neighbors because my hubby "misses" the big dinners.  He likes being with people.  Instead, they decided to host us.  So we'll make our "heart attack on a plate" mashed potatoes, cornbread stuffing, a green vegetable, and the famous icebox rolls and take them over.

Enjoy the Dos Equis and National park

If you're taking the train to Lamy, rent your car in ABQ not ALB. Albany, NY is a 36 hour drive.

National parks are generally deserted on Christmas.

AH HA HA.  Yes, habit.  In laws live in Upstate NY so we are always flying in and out of ALB.

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5022 on: November 20, 2018, 01:51:32 PM »
We’re spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws. This includes my young niece and nephew, who collectively eat about 12 foods. Fortunately I’ve been tasked with making stuffing (which they won’t eat), gravy (which they won’t eat), and cheesecake (which they won’t eat), so it isn’t at all my responsibility to make sure that they consume a fruit or vegetable.

Regarding time spent with sides of families: this is always challenging. I’m an only child who has good adult relationships with both parents, and husband and I live only a few miles from my parents. Most of my extended family is in the same metro area. Husband isn’t close with his parents, and they and the rest of his immediate family (and most of the extended family) live a few hours away. We obviously see my family more by default. After 15 years, I’m done feeling guilty about it.

Regarding dysfunctional family holiday situations, 20-ish years ago my dad’s older sister called him up to tell him that the rest of the siblings had voted not to invite my parents and me to future family gatherings. (I don’t know the exact timing; I was away at school and assumed we didn’t spend time with that family because of a fight, not because we’d been disowned.) That decree was later reversed when the sociopathic middle child (who has bullied dad since childhood) moved out of state. I think my dad’s younger sister was the only one to ever apologize; everyone else acts like nothing happened. I like my cousins well enough but don’t trust my aunts and uncles anymore.

You do realize, don't you, that it's going to happen again. The entire family knew they had a little toxic emperor of a middle child, and they chose to allow the bullying to occur and to deliberately expel the victim instead of addressing the root cause of the problem. They knew what they were doing was backwards and inappropriate, but they did it anyway, and aside from the one sibling who apologized, everyone else thinks it's just tickety-bickety and pretends they didn't have anything to do with what happened.

This group of people is going to continue to pee on your leg and tell you it's raining. They are simply not capable of doing otherwise, and even though the younger sister made the requisite mouth noises after the fact she didn't raise a finger to help back when the nonsense was really going down. She was too busy kowtowing to the designated emperor like the rest.

You're 100% right to mistrust your aunts and uncles. However, any of the cousins over the age of majority should probably be steered clear of too, because look at the kind of environment they grew up in, and what they too were willing to go along with.

It's only a matter of time before the family elects another emperor, and only a matter of time before they need another scapegoat. Run. Run for the hills while you and your parents have a chance. Enjoy the relatively non-toxic life you've built together.

I’m 40, my parents are in their late 60s, most aunts and uncles are in their 70s and 80s. My cousins range in age from 39 to 59. This toxic pattern has been going on for almost 50 years since my grandmother died and created a power vacuum, so we’re very familiar. I absolutely don’t trust one cousin. I’m not close to the others but we’re friendly when we see each other (at most, twice a year for a couple of hours). I have no idea what bullshit they were fed by their parents, but only one of the 15 cousins actually went along with their parents’ rule and stopped inviting us to her kids’ parties. I doubt the others were ever told; considering how genuinely happy most cousins seem to be to see us, I think they were told that WE were shunning THEM. Communication of family matters to my parents is usually via dad’s younger sister or my oldest cousin, who was always kind to us even when the rest of the elders were in shunning mode. We’re very careful never to give information that could be used against us or to expect anything more from them.

AMandM

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5023 on: November 20, 2018, 03:14:41 PM »
Man oh man, these stories make me realize how much I have to give thanks for on Thursday!

Between my extended family and my husband's, we cover the range from conservative Christians to secular cohabiters, a nun in a habit to a lesbian, a Republican party operative to a progressive activist, hunters to vegans. We disagree on tons of things, but we can all eat pie together.

BeautifulDay

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5024 on: November 22, 2018, 10:24:50 PM »
Older Brother (I’m 39 he is almost 60) called me Tuesday to say he needed a ride to thanksgiving. He didn’t have money for gas. Now I’ve got no problem with carpooling except brother is a selfish pain. But I’d have let him come.  He can’t afford gas money because he’s having to do repair work on his business and it is taking longer than expected. Now he never has any emergency savings to cover the loss of work. So totally broke.  Had to borrow $4k from our 82 yr old dad. And that money is already gone.

Briefly considered giving him gas money so we don’t have to listen to him complain about work and being broke for 5 hours. But I refuse to give him a penny. So offered to let him come. But his daughter gave him a ride instead, thank goodness.

At thanksgiving he spent every conversation with me complaining about work. Same complaints over and over.  But with DH he starts talking about the new Subaru model he wants. We have a Subaru, but I guess they’ve come out with a larger model?  DH tells him we don’t want the bigger model, we like the smaller cars because: less expensive to buy, cheaper gas, etc. He says his wife will want it for the grandchildren. Neither child of theirs is even married.

Ummm you can’t afford your bills, but you want a new car. Ugh, give me a break.

LetItGrow

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5025 on: November 23, 2018, 05:40:14 AM »
Had to sit and overhear three aunt type relatives discuss black Friday crap last night. And about one who needed a new phone. It was good because she was going to get the phone for $0.00 so of course she had to do it. It was for sure some kind of higher end Samsung and they were confused about the note that said 'if you lose the phone you owe $$$$$' becuase they thought it was free. It was pretty easy to keep my mouth shut because I do what I can to not talk to this crew regardless of topic.

This specific woman is a hoarder for sure, was unemployed for several months until a couple weeks ago, is thoughtful with a good heart, but doesn't get it.

Roadrunner53

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5026 on: November 23, 2018, 06:05:04 AM »
I didn't have to deal with any relatives. Spent a nice day with the Hub.

Years ago we would go to the Hubs parents house every other year for TG. He had a nasty aunt who critized everyone. She would tell some that they were fat, criticize what people were wearing, if someone was having a wine or beer she had something to say. She would criticize what people ate. She was from Manhattan, NY and thought she was so sophisticated. She lived in a disgusting rent controlled building that was probably 150 years old her whole life. It had no elevator and she lived up about 3 giant flights to her ugly tiny scrunched up apartment. It was in a crime riddled neighborhood. She would come to CT and criticize the rural area. I guess she thought everyone was a hillbilly dumb ass that just got off the turnip truck. She was mean and had a sharp ugly tongue. Surprise, surprise...she never had a significant other.

Back then I never said anything back to her. But I would not take shit from someone like that now that I am older. She is no longer alive but the memory of her sure is.

Nickyd£g

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5027 on: November 23, 2018, 06:11:18 AM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

I do visit my aunts and uncles (all in their 70's) for a day between Christmas and New Year and sometimes (depending on how things are at the time) visit my crazy brother and his evil girlfriend, 4 kids and a dog for as short a time as possible sometime in December but that's it. 

Maenad

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5028 on: November 23, 2018, 12:00:13 PM »
You do realize, don't you, that it's going to happen again. The entire family knew they had a little toxic emperor of a middle child, and they chose to allow the bullying to occur and to deliberately expel the victim instead of addressing the root cause of the problem. They knew what they were doing was backwards and inappropriate, but they did it anyway, and aside from the one sibling who apologized, everyone else thinks it's just tickety-bickety and pretends they didn't have anything to do with what happened.
Yeah, seconding this for anyone in that kind of situation. DH's brother is the bully, and the second DH was living on his own, family holidays were avoided. We've just absented ourselves rather than continue the dysfunction. I almost feel sorry for his parents, because they no longer have a good relationship with the good-for-nothing son, and no real relationship with DH, so they've "lost" both their children. But they could fix that if they were willing to face reality and make amends. We're not holding our breaths.

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5029 on: November 23, 2018, 03:48:10 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5030 on: November 23, 2018, 04:26:46 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5031 on: November 23, 2018, 09:10:34 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)

We should. Ideally, I will have finished mom’s scarf and husband’s sweater and can start knitting something for myself.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5032 on: November 24, 2018, 07:00:43 AM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)

We should. Ideally, I will have finished mom’s scarf and husband’s sweater and can start knitting something for myself.

In Throw Down the Gauntlet?  Or Off Topic?

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5033 on: November 26, 2018, 10:41:58 AM »
The holidays turned out well for us. Wahoo! DW and I are always prepared for drama. It seems to happen more at Thanksgiving than Christmas.

Some good news from a few of the bunch. One pair are on to their next business project it appears. Fun to listen to them b/c they are for real and motivated. Everyone else is working and apparently content. One is not and will possibly realize that money coming in needs to exceed money being spent. That realization will happen in a few months I guess.

The shoppers among the bunch shopped probably too much and we'll hear about it when the credit cards come due. A couple of self-absorbed out of state relatives remain so but we know they are okay via other family.

We had some outside fun and I took a long bike ride to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. I found a nice bike path in that town and I plan to make use of it each year from now on during the holidays weather permitting. Good for mind and body. I invited others but bicycled alone. The holiday experience in our family is evolving as the kids are growing up and the participants' list changes. 

I had an interesting conversation with someone over the holidays that 401K millionaires are a myth or at least very rare. I explained the math I learned here but it was clear the friend was set in their ways and would not benefit from what I've learned from y'all here at MMM. They are retired and successful. DW and I will continue to lead by example. It can be done b/c its been done.

Found out that another relative has arrived at retirement unable to retire b/c there just isn't enough money. I hope they can optimize their budget and find a way if that's what they want.  I think downsizing the house or selling "toys" won't be an option.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5034 on: November 26, 2018, 10:59:27 AM »
Good to hear some positive stories for once.

I feel like we could use a "Relatives who DO get it" thread, just like the Anti-Antimustachian Overheard at Work thread.  Should we start one?

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5035 on: November 26, 2018, 11:10:25 AM »
Downsizing was key to our retirement 6 years ago.  We are much happier in a smaller house and love being back in town versus the burbs. Some close friends of ours told us to keep working to afford the bigger house.  Eventually our 16 year friendship fell apart. Very strange.

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5036 on: November 26, 2018, 11:35:59 AM »
Can that what the anti-anti-moustachians thread is for? ;) (My reading comprehension sucks. I see what you mean now).

Everything was so calm this year. Perhaps it is the calm before the storm? Maybe the predicted recession will expose all sorts of family inefficiencies? I hope not.

I think the thing DW and I've wished for the most for the whole bunch is stability and contentment.

A few of them will never be satisfied with that b/c things going well is just boring. A crisis can be entertaining to some folks. I prefer a hike or bike ride with DW and our kids vs a crisis.

A meal or a beer or time with friends and family is just better when DW and I know we have all of our bases covered. Things are paid for. We have a budget that matches our incomes and allows for savings.
« Last Edit: November 26, 2018, 12:40:51 PM by Just Joe »

MgoSam

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5037 on: November 26, 2018, 11:42:19 AM »
Thanksgiving was amazing! My parents went to visit one sibling at her home halfway across the country and my sibling was in a different state, due to work and other things I stayed here and just hung out with friends and had a great time.

I likely will be doing the same for Christmas.

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5038 on: November 26, 2018, 02:13:38 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5039 on: November 26, 2018, 02:18:12 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

OK that is 3 of us.  New thread titled "selfish crafting over the holidays"?  where?

Dee

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5040 on: November 26, 2018, 08:00:30 PM »
My mom crocheted snowflakes for years and years and years. I think she could have done it in her sleep. For at least a few seasons, she was selling them at a little mall, to fundraise for the humane society. There was a time when I knew how to crochet them too, which was fun. But she would do all this finishing with starch, which did not seem fun, but sure led to great looking results.

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5041 on: November 26, 2018, 09:58:43 PM »
My mom starched all the dollies etc and they looked awesome. I am too lazy.

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5042 on: November 26, 2018, 10:01:10 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

OK that is 3 of us.  New thread titled "selfish crafting over the holidays"?  where?

Off Topic or Badassery, although we could probably also make an argument for a shared journal.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5043 on: November 27, 2018, 07:23:23 AM »

OK that is 3 of us.  New thread titled "selfish crafting over the holidays"?  where?

Off Topic or Badassery, although we could probably also make an argument for a shared journal.

Hmm, we are in a sense being "Badass" because we are doing this for our own enjoyment, not gifts or decorations for the holidays.  But maybe Off Topic.  I'm heading there to start it.

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5044 on: November 28, 2018, 04:30:24 AM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

I'd love to hear more about the quilted ornaments!

I don't like the whole hypercommercial thing Christmas has become, but I love homemade food, decorations and gifts and spending time with family and friends.

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5045 on: November 28, 2018, 09:55:41 AM »
Oooh me too! That's the perfect kind of holiday - home cooked meals, handmade gifts, table games or movies or hikes or walks or bike rides.

Edited: fixed punctuation
« Last Edit: November 29, 2018, 08:31:33 AM by Just Joe »

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5046 on: November 28, 2018, 10:36:18 AM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

I'd love to hear more about the quilted ornaments!

I don't like the whole hypercommercial thing Christmas has become, but I love homemade food, decorations and gifts and spending time with family and friends.
I have a lovely friend who has made quilted ornaments for decades.  She makes hundreds every year and mails them out in her holiday cards.  My tree is full of them.  I've always wanted to try them.  Mine are not nearly as well made as hers.  It's basically making a small quilt "block" of your choice (think 2 to 3 inches square), putting batting in the middle and backing.

I tried a few patterns.  I decided in the end that while I put batting in a few, I preferred the look without.  Here's a pic of the first one that I made, but I also made several other patterns with half square triangles.  My points aren't the best, ha!


pachnik

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5047 on: November 28, 2018, 10:37:26 AM »
MMM1970 - that's a really cute ornament! 

HappierAtHome

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5048 on: November 28, 2018, 07:13:25 PM »
@mm1970 would you be willing to share the pattern / link for the pattern for the crocheted snowflakes?

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5049 on: November 29, 2018, 06:05:55 AM »
It's great to see this here, but there is a whole thread on homemade Christmas, in either General Discussion or Throw Down the Gauntlet.  And of course the "I'm doing this because its fun and I want to and I will do it for me" thread over on Off Topic.  The actual title is a bit gentler. 

And I too would like the source of the snowflake pattern, without violating copyright.  ;-)

And then this thread can return to its "I can't believe what my relatives just did!!!!" normal level of snark.   We are being too happy here.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2018, 06:10:09 AM by RetiredAt63 »

 

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