Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 3491868 times)

zephyr911

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4850 on: September 19, 2018, 07:50:19 AM »
My mom, OH MY GOD my mom. She has GOT to learn to let the fuck go of all her THINGS.

A few months ago she raised the possibility of moving to our town, because her HCOL city has drained her dry and she's not physically able to work a lot. As it turns out, there's a big win-win here, because I had this activation coming up with the ANG, go full-time for a few months and leave town, make lotsa $$, etc, and want DW to be able to come too. So, we're like, cool Mom, how about not just move here, but move in for 180(+/-) and watch the dogs/cats during DW's extended site visit to me, so you can really recover from financial hell and save up that SS check to furnish your new place.

Well, we lock in my depart date, we line that up with her lease termination, we make a plan, and we travel there. And she's not half ready. Mom has had up to 3 storage units from end to end of the country at one point, which is all consolidated to one at this point, but it's still more shit than a family needs and half of it wasn't packed. A single woman renting a room from a family, and we packed a 16-foot truck to the roof, end to end, to bring her home with us. She talked a good game about paring down before the move, but in the end she wasn't able to part with much at all. I'm worried we're looking at borderline hoarding behavior. We packed up enough gift bags for all the presents she will ever give in her life. We packed up not one but TWO fondue sets, and a chocolate fountain, and a really cute Mickey Mouse coffeemaker that only makes enough coffee to fill the matching cup that came with it. Most of these things are in decent usable condition, but absolutely NOT worth carting around the country for possible use someday. She's so afraid of running out of money and needing this stuff someday and not being able to replace it, but she has enough rugs and dishes and blankets for two or three houses... god damn.

I kept putting the bug in her ear about using the next few months to finally make some of those decisions, letting go of the fear, etc... I don't know how much she heard. By the middle of the last morning when we were dumping all this shit into her new storage unit near our house, I hit the point of an actual breakdown, between the physical and mental marathon of handling all this shit and the other stuff I was dealing with at the same time. Let me never bring upon myself such a ridiculous material burden that it becomes a drag on those I love.

AMandM

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4851 on: September 19, 2018, 10:13:08 AM »
Oh man, I feel for you! What an opportunity squandered!  Can you give her a few hours with a professional declutterer for Christmas?

I hope you won't come back after your deployment and find your house full of your mom's acquisitions!

ysette9

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4852 on: September 19, 2018, 10:14:50 AM »
The story of eating a battery is incredibly scary. Gives me something to watch out for as my baby loves to put things in her mouth.

All of that stuff would probably put me at my breaking point as well. Can you use a technique that works well with kids? “This is how much volume we have. Any of your stuff that doesn’t fit gets trashed.” What a burden. I would hate to be the person to clean up that mess once the loved one dies.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4853 on: September 19, 2018, 10:48:26 AM »
My mom, OH MY GOD my mom. She has GOT to learn to let the fuck go of all her THINGS.

A few months ago she raised the possibility of moving to our town, because her HCOL city has drained her dry and she's not physically able to work a lot. As it turns out, there's a big win-win here, because I had this activation coming up with the ANG, go full-time for a few months and leave town, make lotsa $$, etc, and want DW to be able to come too. So, we're like, cool Mom, how about not just move here, but move in for 180(+/-) and watch the dogs/cats during DW's extended site visit to me, so you can really recover from financial hell and save up that SS check to furnish your new place.

Well, we lock in my depart date, we line that up with her lease termination, we make a plan, and we travel there. And she's not half ready. Mom has had up to 3 storage units from end to end of the country at one point, which is all consolidated to one at this point, but it's still more shit than a family needs and half of it wasn't packed. A single woman renting a room from a family, and we packed a 16-foot truck to the roof, end to end, to bring her home with us. She talked a good game about paring down before the move, but in the end she wasn't able to part with much at all. I'm worried we're looking at borderline hoarding behavior. We packed up enough gift bags for all the presents she will ever give in her life. We packed up not one but TWO fondue sets, and a chocolate fountain, and a really cute Mickey Mouse coffeemaker that only makes enough coffee to fill the matching cup that came with it. Most of these things are in decent usable condition, but absolutely NOT worth carting around the country for possible use someday. She's so afraid of running out of money and needing this stuff someday and not being able to replace it, but she has enough rugs and dishes and blankets for two or three houses... god damn.

I kept putting the bug in her ear about using the next few months to finally make some of those decisions, letting go of the fear, etc... I don't know how much she heard. By the middle of the last morning when we were dumping all this shit into her new storage unit near our house, I hit the point of an actual breakdown, between the physical and mental marathon of handling all this shit and the other stuff I was dealing with at the same time. Let me never bring upon myself such a ridiculous material burden that it becomes a drag on those I love.



I've been through this as well.  My mom is less a hoarder and more a 'doesn't ever throw things away because she doesn't clean/declutter very often' and is a procrastinator.  When I was  just post-college and briefly living with her, I took the opportunity of her long work days to go through all the bags and boxes that had been in the garage for a decade (since her divorce) and threw away most of it.  A lot of it was bills and unopened junk mail that would just pile up inside until she was having people over, at which time she just dumped it in bags and put it in the garage as part of 'cleaning for company'.  Some was actually important documents.  Most was trashable or donatable...boxes of clothes that were out of style or no longer fit her, etc., and it took me about a week of working at it for 3 hours per day to get through it all.  She didn't even notice the difference until more than year  later, when I was long moved out.    She was irritated that I'd made the decisions without her permission, but she seemed relieved at never having to do it herself and couldn't argue with my logic that if she hadn't done anything for 10 years, she never was going to do it.

Similarly, when we moved her across the country to our town a few years ago, she got so overwhelmed at the idea of going through her stuff (and she didn't even own all that much) that she waited until the last few weeks to pack and then was horribly stressed. We ended up packing a 10 foot trailer plus another car.  Fortunately, we were able to leave everything that didn't fit where she had been living, and other family members eventually sorted through it. 

That was a very stressful time.  Things are much better now...she's been several years in a stable living environment in a house we bought, and she's not show much inclination to buy/accumulate, except for junk mail.  So if we have to move her again it shouldn't be as bad for any of us.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4854 on: September 20, 2018, 12:35:58 AM »
We have banned batteries from our house. He's only four and a half months old so this has yet to be tested, but I intend to stand firm.
I frequently clarify to family that battery operated toys will break very quickly at our house. Also, kids below a certain age can’t tell the difference between broken and batteries-removed

Exactly. We won't necessarily chuck the toy, but we just won't put any batteries in it. If it's never had any batteries ever, odds are it'll take quite a while before he figures out that it could do other (noisier!) things too. I realise I'm basically King Canute on this one, but I should at least be able to delay the tide.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4855 on: September 20, 2018, 05:14:41 AM »
Relatives who just don't get it..   Gawd, this was totally on point this past Sunday.

One of my sister's is a very high income earner and lives in the same town.  Very high consumption, finds any opportunity to spend money type.  She lives so far out of my world she just doesn't get it.

This is what happened Sunday.  My dh was off and spending his day getting our soon-to-be mobile home unskirted and unhooked and ready to move, we are moving it today.  This is after spending every day off for the past month working on it, letting the guy who owns it know it's going and what day, having the mover set up, this house was being moved.  Well, so happens spendy sister has a mobile home one of her daughters just vacated, so now she wants to unload it.

Her "great deal" was for us to move her mobile home and we can make payments to her.  Umm..  the one are moving is ours already, it was free to us if we just move it, so no payments.  We've already made an arrangement with the owner and gave him our word.  We've already have time invested in it with cleaning, ripping carpets, and the hard work of getting it ready to move.  Once moved, there will be NO payment.  To anyone, the land is ours. 

She would just NOT get it through her thick head that the whole reason we are doing this is to lower our monthly expenses, it did not register.  "But, this one is nice and ready to move into, and yours needs so much work".  Yeah, but I won't be making payments on it.  Much less, to a relative (oh hell no!!). 

All in all, she made me feel horrible for not even considering her "good deal".  I didn't ask for it, didn't want it, didn't even want to go see it.  We already gave our word, made the pad for the home to the size of the one we are moving (not her mobile home size), have moving lined up, this deal is gonna happen.  Yet, she just didn't get that we preferred the one we are moving.  In her mind, the nicer one with payments is the better option. 

After discussing it her a bit more come to find out, she will be paying lot rent and utilities on that home until she sells it, and she has paid all that for a year while it set empty before and does not want to do that again.  So, she is trying to get out of monthly payments to keep it there, and gain someone making payments to her for it.   Ummm....  HOW is this a "good deal" for me?  Seems like I would be doing her a favor, not the other way around.  But not in her eyes.  I am yet again being made to feel like a heel by not letter her do this 'favor' for me.  This is the very last person on earth I want to be beholden to, love her but hell no!

ysette9

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4856 on: September 20, 2018, 02:15:33 PM »
I’m sorry you went through that. I don’t think the cause of the issue was your sister being high income but her being an oblivious nitwit.

I hope your move goes well.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4857 on: September 20, 2018, 02:53:02 PM »
Still working through my mother's latest drama. She has to be out of her sister's house 9/30 (she's been living rent free for the last ten years, off of other people, her sister and a friend at different times). She has a small bit of savings from her portion of an inherited property she and her siblings sold a couple years ago. Finally now that she is faced with being homeless again she is looking for a place to live, at the last possible moment so that it is a crisis. She put in an offer on one mobile home but then backed out after the inspection (reasonable enough, it was a train wreck). The latest drama (well, part of it) is that her friend lives in a mobile home retirement community on a "golf course" so she bought a golf cart because "it was too good of a deal to pass up." She doesn't even have a place to live and she used some of her meager savings to buy a golf cart!! Now she's put in an offer on a place in that same development. I'm waiting to hear how the inspection went. The lot lease is almost double what she said was her upper limit for lot lease/rent when I was looking at places for her a few months ago. But, it includes unlimited golf. She doesn't golf.

The lot lease will be 39% of her monthly income from social security/pension and will probably increase based on reviews I've read for the community. We got into a pretty heated exchange last night because I asked if she could really swing it (after doing the math and knowing she can't unless she gets some sort of part time job...which she has not been willing to even consider for the past ten years). She had the audacity to get mad at me for being worried about it, saying she hasn't asked me for anything or been dependent on anyone since 1994...which is absolute BS if you take into account the friend and her sister who have provided her with free lodging the past ten years.

She is also looking at rescue dogs already...even though she doesn't have a home lined up and won't be able to afford to appropriately care for a dog. She already has two elderly cats that have prevented her from moving in with two other friends who have offered her free lodging but are unable to have the cats in the house (allergies for one, already have older cats for the other).

She is absolutely the right candidate for Dave Ramsey; she even fervently buys into all of the religious stuff. I really think it would be life changing for her if she would give it a chance and take it seriously. I have offered to pay for her to take his class at her church, gosh, I guess it was about 4 years ago now. She said she was "good" and "didn't need it." Banging head against wall, still, always...


ixtap

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4858 on: September 20, 2018, 03:05:34 PM »
Still working through my mother's latest drama. She has to be out of her sister's house 9/30 (she's been living rent free for the last ten years, off of other people, her sister and a friend at different times). She has a small bit of savings from her portion of an inherited property she and her siblings sold a couple years ago. Finally now that she is faced with being homeless again she is looking for a place to live, at the last possible moment so that it is a crisis. She put in an offer on one mobile home but then backed out after the inspection (reasonable enough, it was a train wreck). The latest drama (well, part of it) is that her friend lives in a mobile home retirement community on a "golf course" so she bought a golf cart because "it was too good of a deal to pass up." She doesn't even have a place to live and she used some of her meager savings to buy a golf cart!! Now she's put in an offer on a place in that same development. I'm waiting to hear how the inspection went. The lot lease is almost double what she said was her upper limit for lot lease/rent when I was looking at places for her a few months ago. But, it includes unlimited golf. She doesn't golf.

The lot lease will be 39% of her monthly income from social security/pension and will probably increase based on reviews I've read for the community. We got into a pretty heated exchange last night because I asked if she could really swing it (after doing the math and knowing she can't unless she gets some sort of part time job...which she has not been willing to even consider for the past ten years). She had the audacity to get mad at me for being worried about it, saying she hasn't asked me for anything or been dependent on anyone since 1994...which is absolute BS if you take into account the friend and her sister who have provided her with free lodging the past ten years.

She is also looking at rescue dogs already...even though she doesn't have a home lined up and won't be able to afford to appropriately care for a dog. She already has two elderly cats that have prevented her from moving in with two other friends who have offered her free lodging but are unable to have the cats in the house (allergies for one, already have older cats for the other).

She is absolutely the right candidate for Dave Ramsey; she even fervently buys into all of the religious stuff. I really think it would be life changing for her if she would give it a chance and take it seriously. I have offered to pay for her to take his class at her church, gosh, I guess it was about 4 years ago now. She said she was "good" and "didn't need it." Banging head against wall, still, always...

There is something about free housing from relatives that doesn't count against "never being given anything in my life." The in laws rarely got any rent from their daughter's family and were exemplary landlords for at least a decade. As soon as they got the call that the dryer was broke, they would drop everything to go fix it. And don't forget the frequent free daycare. But now SIL and BIL have moved out, they often comment about how they have never been given anything in their lives, everyone should figure out how to support themselves just like us...

My cousin moved in with his parents with a wife and four kids. Lived there for a couple years and got a parental loan to move out. Totally a self made man.

MgoSam

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4859 on: September 21, 2018, 12:31:11 PM »
But now SIL and BIL have moved out, they often comment about how they have never been given anything in their lives, everyone should figure out how to support themselves just like us...


What you just described if 99% of humanity. I think Craig T Nelson said it best, I've been on foodstamps and welfare. Anybody help me out? No."

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4860 on: September 22, 2018, 12:49:34 AM »
My mom, OH MY GOD my mom. She has GOT to learn to let the fuck go of all her THINGS.

A few months ago she raised the possibility of moving to our town, because her HCOL city has drained her dry and she's not physically able to work a lot. As it turns out, there's a big win-win here, because I had this activation coming up with the ANG, go full-time for a few months and leave town, make lotsa $$, etc, and want DW to be able to come too. So, we're like, cool Mom, how about not just move here, but move in for 180(+/-) and watch the dogs/cats during DW's extended site visit to me, so you can really recover from financial hell and save up that SS check to furnish your new place.

Well, we lock in my depart date, we line that up with her lease termination, we make a plan, and we travel there. And she's not half ready. Mom has had up to 3 storage units from end to end of the country at one point, which is all consolidated to one at this point, but it's still more shit than a family needs and half of it wasn't packed. A single woman renting a room from a family, and we packed a 16-foot truck to the roof, end to end, to bring her home with us. She talked a good game about paring down before the move, but in the end she wasn't able to part with much at all. I'm worried we're looking at borderline hoarding behavior. We packed up enough gift bags for all the presents she will ever give in her life. We packed up not one but TWO fondue sets, and a chocolate fountain, and a really cute Mickey Mouse coffeemaker that only makes enough coffee to fill the matching cup that came with it. Most of these things are in decent usable condition, but absolutely NOT worth carting around the country for possible use someday. She's so afraid of running out of money and needing this stuff someday and not being able to replace it, but she has enough rugs and dishes and blankets for two or three houses... god damn.

I kept putting the bug in her ear about using the next few months to finally make some of those decisions, letting go of the fear, etc... I don't know how much she heard. By the middle of the last morning when we were dumping all this shit into her new storage unit near our house, I hit the point of an actual breakdown, between the physical and mental marathon of handling all this shit and the other stuff I was dealing with at the same time. Let me never bring upon myself such a ridiculous material burden that it becomes a drag on those I love.

I hope you are able to get your mother to move out again when you are back.
Try to find something close by, so she can use the same storage unit.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2018, 12:51:21 AM by Linda_Norway »

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4861 on: September 27, 2018, 02:09:32 PM »
Humorous tween POV: making youngest dinner last night. Ask child to come put water in the big pot and get it boiling. Was told I needed to say "please" - and child was serious.

I reminded child I was making dinner for them with this hot water, not the other way around.

All I could think of was all these relatives storied here that take family and friends for granted. We have years to get this child sorted out. ;)

The teenage drama will be strong with this child we expect.

ixtap

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4862 on: September 27, 2018, 02:26:40 PM »
Humorous tween POV: making youngest dinner last night. Ask child to come put water in the big pot and get it boiling. Was told I needed to say "please" - and child was serious.

I reminded child I was making dinner for them with this hot water, not the other way around.

All I could think of was all these relatives storied here that take family and friends for granted. We have years to get this child sorted out. ;)

The teenage drama will be strong with this child we expect.

So, you don't believe in modelling proper manners for your child? I am not sure they are the one who doesn't get it here.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4863 on: September 27, 2018, 02:29:14 PM »
Humorous tween POV: making youngest dinner last night. Ask child to come put water in the big pot and get it boiling. Was told I needed to say "please" - and child was serious.

I reminded child I was making dinner for them with this hot water, not the other way around.

All I could think of was all these relatives storied here that take family and friends for granted. We have years to get this child sorted out. ;)

The teenage drama will be strong with this child we expect.

Interesting POV. I try to always say please and thank you my husband when I ask him to do things, even for the good of both of us. I think this is part of how I work not to take him for granted. He does the same. I hope to do the same for my child, even when it's "please put your shoes on." I hope my child doesn't have to remind me to use basic manners.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4864 on: September 27, 2018, 02:47:06 PM »
Humorous tween POV: making youngest dinner last night. Ask child to come put water in the big pot and get it boiling. Was told I needed to say "please" - and child was serious.

I reminded child I was making dinner for them with this hot water, not the other way around.

All I could think of was all these relatives storied here that take family and friends for granted. We have years to get this child sorted out. ;)

The teenage drama will be strong with this child we expect.

Just Joe.  I had a similar situation this summer, with my 49 year old sister.  We were on vacation together.  She was anxious about schedules, so part way through she made me tell a friend (three of us on the trip together) that we may have to kick her off (of vacation!) if her pace could not keep up, (she was slow, but making it fine) and then made us agree to an exceptionally early start the next day (not needed).

I asked her to be the one to fetch the bags in the morning before we go, to make it faster in the morning.

"You didn't say please".

  Nope!  I did not, I was pissed at you and accommodating your request and making my friend feel bad for you.  Asking you civilly was the best I could do.  Does an apology for not saying please really matter that much to you in this moment?!  As my sister could you not have a smidgen of compassion for me right now? 

There is a time and a place to remind someone about their manners.  When they are already frustrated with you  is not a good time and shows an utter lack of graciousness.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4865 on: September 27, 2018, 02:54:22 PM »
 Always force my kid to say “please” and I try to always say it to her as well to model what I want her to do. I’m not perfect but I try. She hasn’t yet turned it around on me but I expect it is just a matter of time.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4866 on: September 27, 2018, 03:09:25 PM »
Goldielocks gets the gold star here. I say please all the time with our children and my spouse. However last night was an exceptionally trying night with the pre-teen drama on high. Doesn't want to do homework, doesn't want to share the TV, doesn't want to go to bed, doesn't want to help with the dishes or dinner. Occasionally just WON'T. Thus my drama references.

I say please and the tween WON'T help? Then announces that they are hungry but WON'T help with a simple part of what I'm doing for THEM in the first place? Some nights I know they look like a young teen but they act like a mule.

I'm helping with their math homework and ask them to sharpen the pencil - and the youngin' demands I say "please"? Looks and sounds more like a power play than manners.

Its probably part of our recent normal: older teen is graduated and working second shift. Seldom home during waking hours. Both kids get along well. DW has been involved in a Shakespeare production that keeps her busy many evenings recently. "Teen-please" is hitting that stage where they are trying to figure out where they fit in the universe/hormones/boredom/maybe lonely. Anyhow I make a good verbal sparring partner apparently.

Sorry if my reply seems a little disorganized. Long day and fast typing.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4867 on: September 27, 2018, 03:30:11 PM »
In my experience, a child who tells their parent to say "please" is nearly always trying to do one of the following:
1) deflect attention away from themselves when they're getting negative attention
2) make themselves feel better, by putting down the parent for an imperfection.  Also known as bullying
3) excuse their own lack of manners

Just Joe, you're very right--it's a power play.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4868 on: September 28, 2018, 08:40:39 AM »
Short version: things came to a head last night while DW was out of the house. Long talk with Tween. Things are better.

A blinding reminder that this kid is not wired the same as our other kid. Not wired like me. More like DW. That's a positive thing. DW has a tougher shell though. Life provides that, doesn't it?

The "please" crap was a symptom. A safe way to poke at the bear (me). This kid is much more emotional and takes some things to heart that aren't worth the worry and ignores some things that are important (like helping around the house). Now to reflect and adapt and lead the best I can.

We have ten years to get this one tuned up so that they are prepared for all the things life can toss at a person. How to react. How to communicate. What to value and what to discard (emotionally, mentally). All those topics that a functional adult needs to master.

Some of it comes back to the kinds of discussions we have here. if a person can't successfully navigate "life" they may have trouble making money and managing it. We want our kids to be able to "launch" and be successful and happy at the same time. And to build happy relationships with people around them. I think our kid will be okay. Makes me think of all the kids that don't have supportive adults in their life and how that translates to an adulthood with continuing trials and tribulations. And how potentially that affects all of us collectively. Their kids might go to school with our kids. We share the roads, neighborhoods and economy with them. Gotta stop here. Too much to think about. Work to do. ;)

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4869 on: September 28, 2018, 10:05:13 AM »
The "please" crap was a symptom. A safe way to poke at the bear (me). This kid is much more emotional and takes some things to heart that aren't worth the worry and ignores some things that are important (like helping around the house). Now to reflect and adapt and lead the best I can.

We have ten years to get this one tuned up so that they are prepared for all the things life can toss at a person.
You're absolutely right.

More than one of our kids have hit a stage in the 8-11-year range where they get occasionally get really ornery, bitter, spiteful, etc at certain things.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4870 on: September 28, 2018, 11:06:30 AM »
Short version: things came to a head last night while DW was out of the house. Long talk with Tween. Things are better.

A blinding reminder that this kid is not wired the same as our other kid. Not wired like me. More like DW. That's a positive thing. DW has a tougher shell though. Life provides that, doesn't it?

The "please" crap was a symptom. A safe way to poke at the bear (me). This kid is much more emotional and takes some things to heart that aren't worth the worry and ignores some things that are important (like helping around the house). Now to reflect and adapt and lead the best I can.

We have ten years to get this one tuned up so that they are prepared for all the things life can toss at a person. How to react. How to communicate. What to value and what to discard (emotionally, mentally). All those topics that a functional adult needs to master.

Some of it comes back to the kinds of discussions we have here. if a person can't successfully navigate "life" they may have trouble making money and managing it. We want our kids to be able to "launch" and be successful and happy at the same time. And to build happy relationships with people around them. I think our kid will be okay. Makes me think of all the kids that don't have supportive adults in their life and how that translates to an adulthood with continuing trials and tribulations. And how potentially that affects all of us collectively. Their kids might go to school with our kids. We share the roads, neighborhoods and economy with them. Gotta stop here. Too much to think about. Work to do. ;)
I feel you.  My elder son is a tween (12) and boy - the emotions right now!  With puberty hitting, starting junior high, pimples, etc.  He's stretching his legs, finding his way.  He's been very rude lately and we had it out right before music practice.

A later (and calmer) discussion with his dad resulted in this:
1.  He doesn't want to be touched in public by us anymore.  It's not cool.  (He's very touchy at home, so this transition is hard for me.)
2.  He wants to refer to us as Dad and Mom, not Daddy and Mommy.  Which is fine but it will prob be hard for him to make the switch after 10 years.
3.  I *insist* that he be polite to adults (including his parents!!) and answer questions if spoken to.  For the most part.  He's never been great at this but we really need to work on it.  He ignores people.  (I will make exceptions for nosy people, but when at a potluck for the local orchestra practice "where do you go to JH?" is not overly nosy.)

Much work on teaching manners and good habits.  I didn't know it would be this hard - but I guess I was kid #8 so my parents had it down.

remizidae

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4871 on: September 29, 2018, 06:25:30 PM »
3.  I *insist* that he be polite to adults (including his parents!!) and answer questions if spoken to.  For the most part.  He's never been great at this but we really need to work on it.  He ignores people.  (I will make exceptions for nosy people, but when at a potluck for the local orchestra practice "where do you go to JH?" is not overly nosy.)

Teach him polite ways to avoid questions if he doesn't want to answer or feels the person is being nosy. Could be a vague answer, changing the subject, or the old standby "Why do you ask?" For instance, if the person asks where he goes to school, the answer could be "Around here. Where did you go to school?"

Good to learn the lesson that we do not owe others (especially strangers) personal information.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4872 on: October 04, 2018, 10:16:03 AM »
Not super-drama worthy, but I swore like a sailor when my wife showed me a wall of texts last night.
I have to go to an industry conference in Late November, company paid, mandatory. This was decided in March. Flights and room are paid for.
In June, a first cousin F1 gave us tentative dates for her wedding in a state half way around the country. Yesterday she texted us the final dates for the wedding on a major holiday weekend.
Another first cousin F2 wants my wife and kids to travel over this crazy holiday weekend to meet them at F1's wedding. Flights are absurd expensive (can still afford), but we're not close to F1; (she's obnoxious telling us how to have kids and raise them when she didn't have a man). My dad and bro's family are going, so I'm being represented by my "clan".
Wife tells F2 that we won't attend as it's crazy for her to fly with kids during that time period and I'm not there to help; our kids are super energy, can't contain them at the airport. F2 tries to guilt trip my wife that she just wants us to be there so that our and F2's kids can play with each other.
Like WTF, are we your baby-sitter/play-dates? If we're going to a wedding, I want my kids to be sitting and observing and enjoying the wedding (which they do very well), not to be a t a play-date.
I went into a swear tirade, didn't realize my kids were sitting next to me. Had to do squats holding my ears as punishment.
Have now cancelled my plans to visit F2 in May once school year is over. I love F2 and her family, but her assholic selfishness has a price.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4873 on: October 04, 2018, 11:56:55 AM »

A later (and calmer) discussion with his dad resulted in this:
1.  He doesn't want to be touched in public by us anymore.  It's not cool.  (He's very touchy at home, so this transition is hard for me.)
2.  He wants to refer to us as Dad and Mom, not Daddy and Mommy.  Which is fine but it will prob be hard for him to make the switch after 10 years.
3.  I *insist* that he be polite to adults (including his parents!!) and answer questions if spoken to.  For the most part.  He's never been great at this but we really need to work on it.  He ignores people.  (I will make exceptions for nosy people, but when at a potluck for the local orchestra practice "where do you go to JH?" is not overly nosy.)

Much work on teaching manners and good habits.  I didn't know it would be this hard - but I guess I was kid #8 so my parents had it down.

Yeah mine doesn't want to be seen anywhere or any time with me. Like you this is hard to adapt to. For years I had these two little shadows and now one is off on his own adventures while this one is too cool to be around Dad.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4874 on: October 04, 2018, 12:05:01 PM »
Not super-drama worthy, but I swore like a sailor when my wife showed me a wall of texts last night.
I have to go to an industry conference in Late November, company paid, mandatory. This was decided in March. Flights and room are paid for.
In June, a first cousin F1 gave us tentative dates for her wedding in a state half way around the country. Yesterday she texted us the final dates for the wedding on a major holiday weekend.
Another first cousin F2 wants my wife and kids to travel over this crazy holiday weekend to meet them at F1's wedding. Flights are absurd expensive (can still afford), but we're not close to F1; (she's obnoxious telling us how to have kids and raise them when she didn't have a man). My dad and bro's family are going, so I'm being represented by my "clan".
Wife tells F2 that we won't attend as it's crazy for her to fly with kids during that time period and I'm not there to help; our kids are super energy, can't contain them at the airport. F2 tries to guilt trip my wife that she just wants us to be there so that our and F2's kids can play with each other.
Like WTF, are we your baby-sitter/play-dates? If we're going to a wedding, I want my kids to be sitting and observing and enjoying the wedding (which they do very well), not to be a t a play-date.
I went into a swear tirade, didn't realize my kids were sitting next to me. Had to do squats holding my ears as punishment.
Have now cancelled my plans to visit F2 in May once school year is over. I love F2 and her family, but her assholic selfishness has a price.

And why is this so hard for F2 to understand? We had this situation a while back. Like always - coming to our house is utterly impossible but we are terrible b/c we won't move heaven and earth to travel to the out of state relatives's house. And, its for the kids! The kids have more technology than NASA had for the moon shot and don't use it to stay in touch. The kids don't care.

If F2 wants to spend time together, then share the burden. Better time and place at a more reasonable cost. Be enthusiastic to visit, not because it was convenient for half the participants.

OneStep

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4875 on: October 09, 2018, 03:47:16 PM »
My "relatives who just don't get it" is happening in real time. My immediately family has been planning a Orlando vacation since March of this year. I have been upfront with them the entire time that I am uninterested in going. However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well. After months of discussion I have agreed to go as long as we didn't get any pressure from my family to join them at the theme parks which my DW and I don't want to shell out the money for. That trip is planned to happen next week and we are planning a road trip along the gulf coast. With Hurricane Michael entering the picture I'm seriously considering not subjecting my family to traveling through or in the aftermath of inclement weather. When I mentioned it to my parents that we may not be going I got a lot of push back about not going since they are traveling the same path that we would be. Even if the storm isn't as bad as expected I'm concerned about gas shortages and additional traffic in the panhandle due to residents returning to their homes. Ugh...maybe I'm just using it as an excuse not to go, but I typically don't like to gamble my families safety just to go on a vacation. Only major hiccup that I am having is the fact they my nephew is planning on getting married while in Florida and has asked me to perform the ceremony. His plan is to get married legally at a courthouse, but would like to still have a ceremony on the beach. (Atlantic Side) I would feel bad not being able to performed the ceremony for my nephew, but again not sure its worth the risk. Ah feels better to get that off my chest. Now to make a decision.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4876 on: October 09, 2018, 07:17:56 PM »
I would follow the weather carefully and make your decision based on that. I am not a big fan of theme parks but my kids grew up a half hour from one and loved them. We went once every summer as a special treat. Nothing wrong with that once in awhile.

FamilyGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4877 on: October 09, 2018, 07:54:04 PM »
My "relatives who just don't get it" is happening in real time. My immediately family has been planning a Orlando vacation since March of this year. I have been upfront with them the entire time that I am uninterested in going. However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well. After months of discussion I have agreed to go as long as we didn't get any pressure from my family to join them at the theme parks which my DW and I don't want to shell out the money for. That trip is planned to happen next week and we are planning a road trip along the gulf coast. With Hurricane Michael entering the picture I'm seriously considering not subjecting my family to traveling through or in the aftermath of inclement weather. When I mentioned it to my parents that we may not be going I got a lot of push back about not going since they are traveling the same path that we would be. Even if the storm isn't as bad as expected I'm concerned about gas shortages and additional traffic in the panhandle due to residents returning to their homes. Ugh...maybe I'm just using it as an excuse not to go, but I typically don't like to gamble my families safety just to go on a vacation. Only major hiccup that I am having is the fact they my nephew is planning on getting married while in Florida and has asked me to perform the ceremony. His plan is to get married legally at a courthouse, but would like to still have a ceremony on the beach. (Atlantic Side) I would feel bad not being able to performed the ceremony for my nephew, but again not sure its worth the risk. Ah feels better to get that off my chest. Now to make a decision.

Closely watch the weather. If it is an impact zone, better to avoid it, especially with little kids.

Feivel2000

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4878 on: October 10, 2018, 12:45:53 AM »
A holiday you drive to, including a self performed beach wedding ceremony. You didn't wanted to go all along and now you are looking for excuses...

If your parents do the trip, but you don't, because you are "concerned about gas shortages and additional traffic", be prepared for the (rightfully) stigma of the grumpy, cheap dude.


SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4879 on: October 10, 2018, 05:23:11 AM »
A holiday you drive to, including a self performed beach wedding ceremony. You didn't wanted to go all along and now you are looking for excuses...

If your parents do the trip, but you don't, because you are "concerned about gas shortages and additional traffic", be prepared for the (rightfully) stigma of the grumpy, cheap dude.


I don't know about you, but when I was still working, my vacation days were very precious and scarce items.  10-15 days for an entire year and sick days had to be subtracted from that total.  So, 5-10 days of vacation time.

I was DAMNED PICKY how I spent them.   I sure as hell didn't want to spend what few vacation days I had doing things I didn't want to do.

Had nothing to do with being grumpy and everything to do with it's OUR family's vacation time to spend the way WE want to. 


Freedomin5

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4880 on: October 10, 2018, 06:04:02 AM »
My family is actually pretty good with money in general (parents were FI in their 40s), but they do tend to spend like their upper middle class peers. Anyway, this one happened yesterday and made me smile.

My mom went up to our (brand new, fully furnished) cottage on the weekend to enjoy the fall colours. Out of the blue, she messages me and says they’re going to buy a bench for the dining table and wants me to give her a few options. Because benches with dining tables are “in” right now. Even though the brand new dining table comes with six brand new dining chairs. But the bench is better because you can then shift it five inches back and use it as extra living room seating (the living room and dining room is basically just one big room). Because it’s not possible to simply turn two of the dining chairs around so that they face the living room.

Oh well, not my money so she can do what she wants.

Dragonswan

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4881 on: October 10, 2018, 06:19:59 AM »
My "relatives who just don't get it" is happening in real time. My immediately family has been planning a Orlando vacation since March of this year. I have been upfront with them the entire time that I am uninterested in going. However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well. After months of discussion I have agreed to go as long as we didn't get any pressure from my family to join them at the theme parks which my DW and I don't want to shell out the money for. That trip is planned to happen next week and we are planning a road trip along the gulf coast. With Hurricane Michael entering the picture I'm seriously considering not subjecting my family to traveling through or in the aftermath of inclement weather. When I mentioned it to my parents that we may not be going I got a lot of push back about not going since they are traveling the same path that we would be. Even if the storm isn't as bad as expected I'm concerned about gas shortages and additional traffic in the panhandle due to residents returning to their homes. Ugh...maybe I'm just using it as an excuse not to go, but I typically don't like to gamble my families safety just to go on a vacation. Only major hiccup that I am having is the fact they my nephew is planning on getting married while in Florida and has asked me to perform the ceremony. His plan is to get married legally at a courthouse, but would like to still have a ceremony on the beach. (Atlantic Side) I would feel bad not being able to performed the ceremony for my nephew, but again not sure its worth the risk. Ah feels better to get that off my chest. Now to make a decision.

I suspect part of the push back from the grandparents is because they intend to take your child to Disney since they know you won't.  So be prepared for that and decide if you aren't going to the theme parks because you don't want to waste the money or on principle, because if you think you're the bad guy now, wait until the grandparents hear that you won't let them take their beloved grandson on the thrill of his childhood life.

former player

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4882 on: October 10, 2018, 06:28:09 AM »
My "relatives who just don't get it" is happening in real time. My immediately family has been planning a Orlando vacation since March of this year. I have been upfront with them the entire time that I am uninterested in going. However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well. After months of discussion I have agreed to go as long as we didn't get any pressure from my family to join them at the theme parks which my DW and I don't want to shell out the money for. That trip is planned to happen next week and we are planning a road trip along the gulf coast. With Hurricane Michael entering the picture I'm seriously considering not subjecting my family to traveling through or in the aftermath of inclement weather. When I mentioned it to my parents that we may not be going I got a lot of push back about not going since they are traveling the same path that we would be. Even if the storm isn't as bad as expected I'm concerned about gas shortages and additional traffic in the panhandle due to residents returning to their homes. Ugh...maybe I'm just using it as an excuse not to go, but I typically don't like to gamble my families safety just to go on a vacation. Only major hiccup that I am having is the fact they my nephew is planning on getting married while in Florida and has asked me to perform the ceremony. His plan is to get married legally at a courthouse, but would like to still have a ceremony on the beach. (Atlantic Side) I would feel bad not being able to performed the ceremony for my nephew, but again not sure its worth the risk. Ah feels better to get that off my chest. Now to make a decision.

I suspect part of the push back from the grandparents is because they intend to take your child to Disney since they know you won't.  So be prepared for that and decide if you aren't going to the theme parks because you don't want to waste the money or on principle, because if you think you're the bad guy now, wait until the grandparents hear that you won't let them take their beloved grandson on the thrill of his childhood life.

It will be nothing as against blowing off the nephew's wedding, having already agreed to officiate.

To which I would just make the point that as you grow older the family generations below you in age become more and more important, because the older generations have died off.  Laying down some goodwill now with the younger generation will pay dividends in the future.

Feivel2000

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4883 on: October 10, 2018, 06:38:59 AM »
However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well.

If your vacation days are that precious, how about your wife and kid go alone? Couldn't they just join your parents in their car?
Sorry, I simply don't see the "they don't get it" part. Nothing you wrote seems unreasonable or extreme to me. It isn't even spontaneous.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4884 on: October 10, 2018, 07:02:50 AM »
I would follow the weather carefully and make your decision based on that. I am not a big fan of theme parks but my kids grew up a half hour from one and loved them. We went once every summer as a special treat. Nothing wrong with that once in awhile.

I've got nothing against theme parks, even though I can't ride rides, but a single day adult ticket to Magic Kingdom is now $119 for adults and $113 for under 9s.  That is A LOT of money for a theme park you aren't interested in going to. That's pretty different from the $60-90 Six flags season pass (and that includes parking).


As for Orlando- I'm scheduled to go next week for work. I'm not concerned about flying there; but I wouldn't take a gulf coast road trip.  I guess the poster can wait and see how bad areas are, but it looks like it is going to hit the panhandle HARD.  Driving through those areas is unlikely to be a smart idea 1 week later.



Kitsune

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4885 on: October 10, 2018, 07:33:17 AM »
I've got nothing against theme parks, even though I can't ride rides, but a single day adult ticket to Magic Kingdom is now $119 for adults and $113 for under 9s.  That is A LOT of money for a theme park you aren't interested in going to. That's pretty different from the $60-90 Six flags season pass (and that includes parking).


Maybe that's worth changing your mindset about - what are you actually paying money for ? Are you paying 300-odd for a theme park you aren't interested in going to (though your kid/spouse might be, and their opinions count too), or are you paying 300-odd in relationship maintenance with your extended family? And how much are you willing to put, per year, into relationship maintenance (in other words: is this the kind of expense your parents expect on a bi-weekly basis, or is it something that pops up every 2-3 years?)

This is how we view restaurant/coffee spending, btw: we do not, EVER, buy coffee to drink on the go because it's coffee. We don't EVER buy meals because it's convenient, because we 'feel like it', because we didn't feel like packing a lunch, whatever. We will pay for a nice restaurant dinner as an evening out while the kids are with their grandparents - because 30-40$ is a reasonable cost for 3-4 hours of pleasant conversation with my spouse, once every 2 or 3 months. We will pay for a coffee as 'rental' for a table to have a 2-hour conversation with a friend. We maintain a very low eating-out spend, but maintain our relationships intentionally with what we do spend. Sacrificing relationships for relatively small amounts of money is, for us, definitely not worth it.

That said, re-phrasing an earlier statement: if the expense is expected regularly, is money you don't have, or is a 'cost' of being in a relationship with someone (aka: 'but my friends won't like me if I don't have nice shoes' or some such nonsense), it may be worth reconsidering the relationship.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4886 on: October 10, 2018, 08:00:15 AM »
However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well.

If your vacation days are that precious, how about your wife and kid go alone? Couldn't they just join your parents in their car?
Sorry, I simply don't see the "they don't get it" part. Nothing you wrote seems unreasonable or extreme to me. It isn't even spontaneous.


I'm not the OP, in case you're confused about that.

But my wife and I routinely do things together and also do things apart.   That just makes sense.   And sometimes I just take one for the team.



ketchup

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4887 on: October 10, 2018, 08:30:00 AM »
My family is actually pretty good with money in general (parents were FI in their 40s), but they do tend to spend like their upper middle class peers. Anyway, this one happened yesterday and made me smile.

My mom went up to our (brand new, fully furnished) cottage on the weekend to enjoy the fall colours. Out of the blue, she messages me and says they’re going to buy a bench for the dining table and wants me to give her a few options. Because benches with dining tables are “in” right now. Even though the brand new dining table comes with six brand new dining chairs. But the bench is better because you can then shift it five inches back and use it as extra living room seating (the living room and dining room is basically just one big room). Because it’s not possible to simply turn two of the dining chairs around so that they face the living room.

Oh well, not my money so she can do what she wants.
Wow.  I can't imagine thinking about replacing brand new chairs with something else like that.  That's truly "It's one banana Michael, what could it cost? Ten dollars?" levels out of touch with the masses.

OneStep

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4888 on: October 10, 2018, 09:08:15 AM »
It's times like these that I wish I was better at written communication. I will try an clarify the best that I can. Yes this holiday is one that we can drive to, however it is a 22 hour drive. We enjoy road trips and don't mind spending that much time on the road. The concern that I have is that once we are 12-14 hours into the trip there is a possibility that we will be stuck. The last thing we want to do is drive that far and realize that it is not feasible to continue to our destination. There are other routes that we can take, through Georgia that is away from the coast and will most likely be safer. They are still predicting that southern Georgia will have major power outages and flooding which could also cause delays. We could go even more out of the way and go through the Carolina's but they are still dealing with flooding and damage from Florence which will be made worse by the additional rain they will receive from Michael. So we are down to picking which is the safest route to travel.

The part that my "relatives don't get" is mainly around us not wanting to go to the theme parks, but also includes the fact that we are willing to miss this vacation due to severe weather. They don't understand that part of it. I do love my family, however I am a selfish person in that I care infinitely more about my DW and DS than I do my parents or my other family. My DW and I make decisions on what is best for us and that's it. Yes we understand in investing in our familial relationships which is what were are planning on doing by going on the trip. The only thing that has changed is the fact that there is now a Cat 4 hurricane that will have just passed through the area that we have to travel across. If there was no hurricane this conversation would never be occurring. When I shared with my family that we were concerned about travel and that if it wasn't safe that we wouldn't be going they immediately brought up the fact that we would miss the wedding. I would feel horrible for not honoring my commitment to my nephew and that is it. If I was just attending then it I would not bat an eye. They same way my family didn't bat an eye when they didn't attend my wedding because we got married in Rhode Island. So you see our family dynamic is somewhat strange in that we all love each other, but we are all selfish and we do what we want and make excuses for not doing things we don't want to do.


I'm a red panda

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4889 on: October 10, 2018, 09:13:53 AM »
I've got nothing against theme parks, even though I can't ride rides, but a single day adult ticket to Magic Kingdom is now $119 for adults and $113 for under 9s.  That is A LOT of money for a theme park you aren't interested in going to. That's pretty different from the $60-90 Six flags season pass (and that includes parking).


Maybe that's worth changing your mindset about - what are you actually paying money for ? Are you paying 300-odd for a theme park you aren't interested in going to (though your kid/spouse might be, and their opinions count too), or are you paying 300-odd in relationship maintenance with your extended family? And how much are you willing to put, per year, into relationship maintenance (in other words: is this the kind of expense your parents expect on a bi-weekly basis, or is it something that pops up every 2-3 years?)

This is how we view restaurant/coffee spending, btw: we do not, EVER, buy coffee to drink on the go because it's coffee. We don't EVER buy meals because it's convenient, because we 'feel like it', because we didn't feel like packing a lunch, whatever. We will pay for a nice restaurant dinner as an evening out while the kids are with their grandparents - because 30-40$ is a reasonable cost for 3-4 hours of pleasant conversation with my spouse, once every 2 or 3 months. We will pay for a coffee as 'rental' for a table to have a 2-hour conversation with a friend. We maintain a very low eating-out spend, but maintain our relationships intentionally with what we do spend. Sacrificing relationships for relatively small amounts of money is, for us, definitely not worth it.

That said, re-phrasing an earlier statement: if the expense is expected regularly, is money you don't have, or is a 'cost' of being in a relationship with someone (aka: 'but my friends won't like me if I don't have nice shoes' or some such nonsense), it may be worth reconsidering the relationship.

I would not pay for single day Disney tickets for "relationship maintenance" out of principal- it's way too much for a day at a park.  I happily paid for 2-day Silver Dollar City tickets though.

I think you can go on family vacations without taking part in every single activity.

In this case though; a major problem is the drive through a disaster zone. It's selfish to go into areas with gas and water shortages; if they even have a non-flooded route to go through.

FamilyGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4890 on: October 10, 2018, 09:21:22 AM »
However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well.

If your vacation days are that precious, how about your wife and kid go alone? Couldn't they just join your parents in their car?
Sounds reasonable for me..

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4891 on: October 10, 2018, 09:34:57 AM »
A holiday you drive to, including a self performed beach wedding ceremony. You didn't wanted to go all along and now you are looking for excuses...

If your parents do the trip, but you don't, because you are "concerned about gas shortages and additional traffic", be prepared for the (rightfully) stigma of the grumpy, cheap dude.


I don't know about you, but when I was still working, my vacation days were very precious and scarce items.  10-15 days for an entire year and sick days had to be subtracted from that total.  So, 5-10 days of vacation time.

I was DAMNED PICKY how I spent them.   I sure as hell didn't want to spend what few vacation days I had doing things I didn't want to do.

Had nothing to do with being grumpy and everything to do with it's OUR family's vacation time to spend the way WE want to.

Indeed. I find I use my "no" during such circumstances. It doesn't mean that I don't acknowledge the wedding or that I don't send an appropriate gift. I wouldn't want to waffle and have someone get their hopes up or rely on me to be there if I didn't fully intend to go and to do what was necessary. If I have to make a compromise for family harmony, once I agree to do it I try my best to not gripe about it or try to reverse my decision.

From our previous conversations I'd bet you have a similar strategy.

Kitsune

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4892 on: October 10, 2018, 09:56:56 AM »
I've got nothing against theme parks, even though I can't ride rides, but a single day adult ticket to Magic Kingdom is now $119 for adults and $113 for under 9s.  That is A LOT of money for a theme park you aren't interested in going to. That's pretty different from the $60-90 Six flags season pass (and that includes parking).


Maybe that's worth changing your mindset about - what are you actually paying money for ? Are you paying 300-odd for a theme park you aren't interested in going to (though your kid/spouse might be, and their opinions count too), or are you paying 300-odd in relationship maintenance with your extended family? And how much are you willing to put, per year, into relationship maintenance (in other words: is this the kind of expense your parents expect on a bi-weekly basis, or is it something that pops up every 2-3 years?)

This is how we view restaurant/coffee spending, btw: we do not, EVER, buy coffee to drink on the go because it's coffee. We don't EVER buy meals because it's convenient, because we 'feel like it', because we didn't feel like packing a lunch, whatever. We will pay for a nice restaurant dinner as an evening out while the kids are with their grandparents - because 30-40$ is a reasonable cost for 3-4 hours of pleasant conversation with my spouse, once every 2 or 3 months. We will pay for a coffee as 'rental' for a table to have a 2-hour conversation with a friend. We maintain a very low eating-out spend, but maintain our relationships intentionally with what we do spend. Sacrificing relationships for relatively small amounts of money is, for us, definitely not worth it.

That said, re-phrasing an earlier statement: if the expense is expected regularly, is money you don't have, or is a 'cost' of being in a relationship with someone (aka: 'but my friends won't like me if I don't have nice shoes' or some such nonsense), it may be worth reconsidering the relationship.

I would not pay for single day Disney tickets for "relationship maintenance" out of principal- it's way too much for a day at a park.  I happily paid for 2-day Silver Dollar City tickets though.

I think you can go on family vacations without taking part in every single activity.

In this case though; a major problem is the drive through a disaster zone. It's selfish to go into areas with gas and water shortages; if they even have a non-flooded route to go through.

Oh, ugh, I'd missed the bit about hurricanes and disaster zones. Nope, no, levels of no.

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4893 on: October 10, 2018, 12:02:58 PM »
My family is actually pretty good with money in general (parents were FI in their 40s), but they do tend to spend like their upper middle class peers. Anyway, this one happened yesterday and made me smile.

My mom went up to our (brand new, fully furnished) cottage on the weekend to enjoy the fall colours. Out of the blue, she messages me and says they’re going to buy a bench for the dining table and wants me to give her a few options. Because benches with dining tables are “in” right now. Even though the brand new dining table comes with six brand new dining chairs. But the bench is better because you can then shift it five inches back and use it as extra living room seating (the living room and dining room is basically just one big room). Because it’s not possible to simply turn two of the dining chairs around so that they face the living room.

Oh well, not my money so she can do what she wants.
Wow.  I can't imagine thinking about replacing brand new chairs with something else like that.  That's truly "It's one banana Michael, what could it cost? Ten dollars?" levels out of touch with the masses.
Plus benches kind of suck to sit on.

Our kitchen table came with 4 chairs and a bench (bought it at a yard sale we passed while walking home from the gym one day.  Carried it the three blocks home.)  The bench was basically annoying to pull out and put back for dinner.  We eventually gave it away.  Now we have six chairs (two of our chairs magically appeared from grad school friends who moved away, and had matching chairs.  It's a pretty light blond boring chair.  One of them lives at the computer desk and the other lives at the kids' desk.)

Dave1442397

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4894 on: October 10, 2018, 06:15:47 PM »
This is my kind of Alaskan cruise -

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/travel/going-our-way-seeing-alaskas-inside-passage-by-ferry/2011/10/24/gIQAbcYiJM_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a125e280364f

I've been on one cruise, and while it was fun, I have no desire to do the big ship thing again.



Miss Piggy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4895 on: October 10, 2018, 08:03:07 PM »
This is my kind of Alaskan cruise -

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/travel/going-our-way-seeing-alaskas-inside-passage-by-ferry/2011/10/24/gIQAbcYiJM_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a125e280364f


We did this. Most beautiful place on earth...by ferry. Around every curve, the view was more beautiful than what was just left behind. Highly, highly, highly recommend. I can't wait to do it again, potentially next summer when FIREd.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4896 on: October 10, 2018, 09:55:49 PM »
However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well.

If your vacation days are that precious, how about your wife and kid go alone? Couldn't they just join your parents in their car?
Sorry, I simply don't see the "they don't get it" part. Nothing you wrote seems unreasonable or extreme to me. It isn't even spontaneous.

For the record, I said no such thing.  Someone else said that and you (and several others) have attributed it to me.


Linea_Norway

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4897 on: October 11, 2018, 01:35:08 AM »
New to the forums and enjoying this thread. 

Back in 2008 when the housing market bubble crashed, I mentioned to my SIL that I was refinancing our house to take advantage of the 4+% drop in rates.  She confessed she rather keep her almost 9% rate than show anyone at the bank her full financial picture.  Ten years later the DH and I are debt and mortgage free and planning to RE in a few years.  SIL who makes more than DH and I combined, and who is married to second wage earner, recently complained that she will never be able to retire because of all their bills.

Welcome to the forums.


Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4898 on: October 11, 2018, 01:35:35 AM »
I have a cousin in a pretty shitty situation. I feel bad for her and her kids that she's ended up like this, but it seems I'm the only person who feels she's not a victim.

She lived with, but was not married to, a man with kids from a previous relationship. They owned a property together and the mortgage and life insurance weren't paid for a year. Then he tragically dies. She's forced to sell the house now and the proceeds of his share in the house (not much after the mortgage has been paid off) will go to his kids, not to her. The mean bank is not willing to give her a new mortgage so she's forced to rent which is difficult where we live.

Of course everyone blames the dead guy now and she knew nothing about this until he passed away. I find that very hard to believe, but even if it's true that he took care of all the financial matters, as a grown up adult she should have checked whether the bills were really paid.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4899 on: October 11, 2018, 02:09:02 AM »
I have a cousin in a pretty shitty situation. I feel bad for her and her kids that she's ended up like this, but it seems I'm the only person who feels she's not a victim.

She lived with, but was not married to, a man with kids from a previous relationship. They owned a property together and the mortgage and life insurance weren't paid for a year. Then he tragically dies. She's forced to sell the house now and the proceeds of his share in the house (not much after the mortgage has been paid off) will go to his kids, not to her. The mean bank is not willing to give her a new mortgage so she's forced to rent which is difficult where we live.

Of course everyone blames the dead guy now and she knew nothing about this until he passed away. I find that very hard to believe, but even if it's true that he took care of all the financial matters, as a grown up adult she should have checked whether the bills were really paid.

A sad situation for her to be in, and especially the kids.

It could have been avoidable if they would have paid their bills and had a life insurance on each other's life. If I compare to my parents, they once refinanced their mortgage when they had trouble paying the high bills. My mother started working evening jobs to earn more money. When my father unexpectedly died, his life insurance was paid out to my mother, who then was left financially comfortable. If my mother would have died, my father would also have received a small life insurance.

It is strange to rely completely on a partner to do all the financial stuff. But maybe he lied about his situation and it is mainly his fault? If they did not have a shared account, then maybe it wasn't so easy for her to actually check? But it could be very possible that she just wasn't interested in anything financial other than spending and that is not very smart behaviour.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2018, 05:12:36 AM by Linda_Norway »