Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 3465710 times)

Roe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4100 on: December 09, 2017, 05:50:41 PM »
At 32, if he were ever going to be a terrific student, he'd have busted his ass and already be a terrific student.

I will say that I have a brother-in-law who spent most of his typical-college-age years in this pattern:
  • Register for classes; attend religiously for a few weeks.
  • Get stress out over classwork, triggering a depressive episode.
  • Start skipping class occasionally, then frequently, then stop going altogether.
  • Drop out juuuuust past the date where there's any tuition refund provided.
  • Work a part-time job, the earnings of which go solely to hobbies while parents pay for all necessary expenses.
  • Get over depressive episode, decide to go back to college. Start over at #1.

However, he's now 31 and attending a trade school at which he is excelling. He's very smart; it's not quite a "not everyone is cut out for college" situation. It's more of a "gifted child just can't deal with things that don't come easily" thing.

He is paying for the trade school with loans, though, so that might figure into his motivation.

It's like we are step-relatives.

I have one of those aswell. Only difference is that he is a bit older, and have now given up. Spends most time with his computer, apart from the odd burst of "as soon as there is an opening, I will apply for this highly sought after job that I am completely unqualified for. Since I've kind of done entry level work a decade or so ago, this is the position i should be at my age, and it's completely unrealistic to apply for a lower position." or "im going to grow starfish on the island of Lau wau!".

AnnaGrowsAMustache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4101 on: December 10, 2017, 02:02:50 PM »
At 32, if he were ever going to be a terrific student, he'd have busted his ass and already be a terrific student.

I will say that I have a brother-in-law who spent most of his typical-college-age years in this pattern:
  • Register for classes; attend religiously for a few weeks.
  • Get stress out over classwork, triggering a depressive episode.
  • Start skipping class occasionally, then frequently, then stop going altogether.
  • Drop out juuuuust past the date where there's any tuition refund provided.
  • Work a part-time job, the earnings of which go solely to hobbies while parents pay for all necessary expenses.
  • Get over depressive episode, decide to go back to college. Start over at #1.

However, he's now 31 and attending a trade school at which he is excelling. He's very smart; it's not quite a "not everyone is cut out for college" situation. It's more of a "gifted child just can't deal with things that don't come easily" thing.

He is paying for the trade school with loans, though, so that might figure into his motivation.

It's like we are step-relatives.

I have one of those aswell. Only difference is that he is a bit older, and have now given up. Spends most time with his computer, apart from the odd burst of "as soon as there is an opening, I will apply for this highly sought after job that I am completely unqualified for. Since I've kind of done entry level work a decade or so ago, this is the position i should be at my age, and it's completely unrealistic to apply for a lower position." or "im going to grow starfish on the island of Lau wau!".

Aww, that's sad. Poor guy. I know the situation stems from his own choices, but he clearly has no idea how to get out of it at this point.

AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4102 on: December 11, 2017, 07:09:37 PM »
...
I'm overwhelmed at how happy I am that she's taken this step. Please join me in a dance of joy!



(Sorry for the potato quality)

kaypinkHH

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4103 on: December 12, 2017, 06:42:36 AM »
Mr. HH got into an argument with his Brother. Brother was arguing that because he lives in a Oil province he "saves money on gas" compared to us in our "expensive province". He drives a lambourgini or a GIANT JEEP THING....we drive a prius.

Mr.HH had to explain that though the $/L was cheaper where he lives, we use a ton less gas. Some how BIL didn't get it.

Head desk.

barbaz

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4104 on: December 12, 2017, 08:05:33 AM »
Mr. HH got into an argument with his Brother. Brother was arguing that because he lives in a Oil province he "saves money on gas" compared to us in our "expensive province". He drives a lambourgini or a GIANT JEEP THING....we drive a prius.

Mr.HH had to explain that though the $/L was cheaper where he lives, we use a ton less gas. Some how BIL didn't get it.

Head desk.
It’s really simple math, you see: the more gas he uses the more money he saves

kaypinkHH

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4105 on: December 12, 2017, 08:39:04 AM »
@barbaz, you made me LOL. Thank you :).

Step37

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4106 on: December 12, 2017, 07:27:52 PM »
I can't tell if US banking is crazily expensive or mine is super cheap:

You PAY for cheques
You PAY to pay your bills online
You PAY to top up an online food account
You PAY to drive around and pay bills
You PAY to use ATMS

All of these things are free for me. Our banking is far from perfect, but I'm baffled about how inefficient and expensive the US banking system seems.

I just spent a few days with my sister and BIL in the USA and was struck by these same things. Overall, they are not savvy, organized or efficient about banking (shitshow would be my descriptor of choice, but I might be being too harsh). I think at least part of their problem is a comparatively antiquated banking system, though. I listened to my sister on the phone trying to make a payment on her Visa and it was ridiculous. ďIím sorry, you cannot pay more than your statement balance.Ē And having to enter account numbers of the Visa AND the bank account every time a payment is made? With mine, once the credit card company or whatever is set up as a payee, itís in there/attached until removed.

Again, Iím not certain if the problem lies completely with the bank or if itís a combination of bank issues and disorganization... ugh. Glad to be back in my sane world!

LeRainDrop

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4107 on: December 12, 2017, 08:43:01 PM »
Again, Iím not certain if the problem lies completely with the bank or if itís a combination of bank issues and disorganization... ugh. Glad to be back in my sane world!

Disorganization.  Those things can easily be avoided in the United States, if the people spend a short amount of time to educate themselves about their options.  It's just that some choose not to link their banks and their credit cards, some choose to use banks that charge or do not reimburse ATM fees, etc.  We don't all have the choice of how tech-savvy our local governments are, but I know the various departments of mine handle online payments like a breeze.

Step37

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4108 on: December 12, 2017, 10:54:15 PM »
Again, Iím not certain if the problem lies completely with the bank or if itís a combination of bank issues and disorganization... ugh. Glad to be back in my sane world!

Disorganization.  Those things can easily be avoided in the United States, if the people spend a short amount of time to educate themselves about their options.  It's just that some choose not to link their banks and their credit cards, some choose to use banks that charge or do not reimburse ATM fees, etc.  We don't all have the choice of how tech-savvy our local governments are, but I know the various departments of mine handle online payments like a breeze.

Iím sure youíre correct. I guess I was just hoping that they werenít as inept at financial things as I had always assumed known. Maybe next time I visit I can offer to help optimize things. Itís just too painful to watch.

availablelight

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4109 on: December 13, 2017, 07:25:48 AM »
I can't tell if US banking is crazily expensive or mine is super cheap:

You PAY for cheques
You PAY to pay your bills online
You PAY to top up an online food account
You PAY to drive around and pay bills
You PAY to use ATMS

All of these things are free for me. Our banking is far from perfect, but I'm baffled about how inefficient and expensive the US banking system seems.

You pay credit card fees for online purchases a lot more in the UK, though.  Can't really remember ever seeing those in the US.  Bank transfers being handled a lot better mitigates this, though.

Yes, "service fees" on people who don't have enough money in their bank accounts are painful.  The amounts to avoid that aren't usually that much, though, in the neighborhood of $500 from what I've seen.  (Sure, that includes a distressing number of people.)

I've never paid for checks, although that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  Same with online bill pay.  Not sure what the third and fourth things are referring to.

I'm also not sure how ATM fees in the UK compare to the US -- I've only really used my bank's ATMs in the UK.

AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4110 on: December 13, 2017, 08:22:34 AM »
"You pay credit card fees for online purchases a lot more in the UK, though.  Can't really remember ever seeing those in the US.  Bank transfers being handled a lot better mitigates this, though."

In the US cc fees are baked into the price of goods.  Merchants can charge you more to cover the fee if they want but many choose not to.  Different cc's have different fee structures; AmEx has some of the highest fees to cover there often more generous rewards programs.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4111 on: December 13, 2017, 02:59:09 PM »
I just spent a few days with my sister and BIL in the USA and was struck by these same things. Overall, they are not savvy, organized or efficient about banking (shitshow would be my descriptor of choice, but I might be being too harsh). I think at least part of their problem is a comparatively antiquated banking system, though. I listened to my sister on the phone trying to make a payment on her Visa and it was ridiculous. ďIím sorry, you cannot pay more than your statement balance.Ē And having to enter account numbers of the Visa AND the bank account every time a payment is made? With mine, once the credit card company or whatever is set up as a payee, itís in there/attached until removed.

Again, Iím not certain if the problem lies completely with the bank or if itís a combination of bank issues and disorganization... ugh. Glad to be back in my sane world!

You're not.

The "banking system" you describe in the USA is kind of an organic collection of what happens when enterprises developed by the invisible hand of the free market grow beyond the scale at which they can be managed intelligently and have to operate across a wide geographical area while responding to contradictory laws and incentive. There's nothing about it that was planned or internally organized.

UKMustache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4112 on: December 14, 2017, 12:29:57 AM »
I'm also not sure how ATM fees in the UK compare to the US -- I've only really used my bank's ATMs in the UK.

There isn't generally any fees to use an ATM in the UK.  The only time you really see fees is when there's no other option, for instance at a temporary ATM within the grounds of a music festival, they know the bars only take cash and you aren't going to walk a mile back to your car to drive into town to save a £2.50 fee.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4113 on: December 14, 2017, 02:44:38 AM »
I'm also not sure how ATM fees in the UK compare to the US -- I've only really used my bank's ATMs in the UK.

There isn't generally any fees to use an ATM in the UK.  The only time you really see fees is when there's no other option, for instance at a temporary ATM within the grounds of a music festival, they know the bars only take cash and you aren't going to walk a mile back to your car to drive into town to save a £2.50 fee.

And you can tell easily because it's not got any major bank or supermarket's logo on it and the font and colour scheme on the display looks like it was designed in the 1990s and it pops up with "This withdrawal will cost you £X - do you wish to cancel or continue?" All bank and supermarket ATMs are free to all bank customers.

Cookie78

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4114 on: December 16, 2017, 03:45:06 PM »
Today a relative brought up 2 things he learned about TFSAs. One of those things was correct (you can use it to invest, not just save), the other was wrong (if you take a loss you can make more contributions to make up for that loss).

I was all excited to talk about finance stuff with him, but I may have gone a little too far too fast because in the end he said he'd just end up spending the money anyway. His daughter was there and asked what we were talking about. I guess I should have just said 'buying freedom', because again, my responses were met with a typical confused wtf teenager scowl. Lol

Oh well. Baby steps.

Suze456

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4115 on: December 16, 2017, 06:53:05 PM »
Every store or restaurant will accept Visa/Mastercard, unless they donít take any cards.

This isn't true in Portugal.  Many restaurants and other merchants accept credit cards issued by Portuguese banks, but no foreign cards at all.


Never had a problem using a (European but not Portugese) Visa or Mastercard in Portugal

LeRainDrop

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4116 on: December 17, 2017, 12:03:51 AM »
Every store or restaurant will accept Visa/Mastercard, unless they donít take any cards.

This isn't true in Portugal.  Many restaurants and other merchants accept credit cards issued by Portuguese banks, but no foreign cards at all.


Never had a problem using a (European but not Portugese) Visa or Mastercard in Portugal

I lived in Lisbon this late-summer/fall, so I'm quite certain of what I said.  There are many merchants that take foreign credit cards, but there are also many who accept only the Portuguese-bank-issued cards.

Luckyvik

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Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4117 on: December 17, 2017, 04:37:00 AM »
My relative was showing my husband his new coffee machine, he said it was saving him money as he wasn’t buying coffee out anymore-makes sense so far, then he said it didn’t cost him anything anyway as it was financed, my husband asked how much it cost, he said $2k -wtf.


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Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4118 on: December 17, 2017, 04:51:00 AM »
$2k domestic coffee machines exist? :o

penguintroopers

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4119 on: December 18, 2017, 11:06:22 AM »
$2k domestic coffee machines exist? :o

Oh boy, they do. My husbands office has a $5k super fancy coffee machine. Supposedly the owner of the business has one at home too.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4120 on: December 18, 2017, 11:30:11 AM »
I'm just curious - does the coffee taste better than a $20 French press?

penguintroopers

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4121 on: December 18, 2017, 05:20:17 PM »
I'm just curious - does the coffee taste better than a $20 French press?

I don't have first hand experience, but its probably about the same, given that he makes regular joe on it.

FIREbender

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4122 on: December 19, 2017, 06:06:15 AM »
We have one at my workplace. It does make a good cup of coffee (at the very least better than the keurig coffee I have on the weekends [it was a gift :P]). It still surprises me that co-workers will buy coffee on the commute in, when we can get coffee for free in the office from a $5k coffee maker...

Saskatchewstachian

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4123 on: December 19, 2017, 12:44:55 PM »
$2k domestic coffee machines exist? :o

Oh boy, they do. My husbands office has a $5k super fancy coffee machine. Supposedly the owner of the business has one at home too.

Not domestic but still crazy expensive. My head office has supposedly $20,000 coffee machines. All though screen that grind the beans and make a variety of coffee's at the touch of a button. When they break parts need to be flown in from Italy. The price may be exaggerated a little as it was office rumor that it cost 20k.

The coffee it makes is terrible though! But that's because they fill this fancy machine with the absolute cheapest coffee and espresso beans.

O, and there's one on every floor of the 4 story building. All of this for a total of 250 employees.

infogoon

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4124 on: December 19, 2017, 01:58:55 PM »
We have one at my workplace. It does make a good cup of coffee (at the very least better than the keurig coffee I have on the weekends [it was a gift :P]). It still surprises me that co-workers will buy coffee on the commute in, when we can get coffee for free in the office from a $5k coffee maker...

I work in a professional office building, where most people have access to free coffee in their suites. And there's still a huge line of people at the Tim Hortons in the lobby every morning. And Tim Hortons coffee is awful. (Yeah, I'm not scared, come at me Canada.) I just don't get it.

TomTX

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4125 on: December 20, 2017, 05:23:41 AM »
We have one at my workplace. It does make a good cup of coffee (at the very least better than the keurig coffee I have on the weekends [it was a gift :P]). It still surprises me that co-workers will buy coffee on the commute in, when we can get coffee for free in the office from a $5k coffee maker...

I work in a professional office building, where most people have access to free coffee in their suites. And there's still a huge line of people at the Tim Hortons in the lobby every morning. And Tim Hortons coffee is awful. (Yeah, I'm not scared, come at me Canada.) I just don't get it.

Sorry you feel that way!

;)

MightyAl

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4126 on: December 20, 2017, 05:29:48 AM »
We have one at my workplace. It does make a good cup of coffee (at the very least better than the keurig coffee I have on the weekends [it was a gift :P]). It still surprises me that co-workers will buy coffee on the commute in, when we can get coffee for free in the office from a $5k coffee maker...

I work in a professional office building, where most people have access to free coffee in their suites. And there's still a huge line of people at the Tim Hortons in the lobby every morning. And Tim Hortons coffee is awful. (Yeah, I'm not scared, come at me Canada.) I just don't get it.

Maybe they are in line for the timbits too.

kaypinkHH

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4127 on: December 20, 2017, 05:49:04 AM »
Not domestic but still crazy expensive. My head office has supposedly $20,000 coffee machines. All though screen that grind the beans and make a variety of coffee's at the touch of a button. When they break parts need to be flown in from Italy. The price may be exaggerated a little as it was office rumor that it cost 20k.

The coffee it makes is terrible though! But that's because they fill this fancy machine with the absolute cheapest coffee and espresso beans.

O, and there's one on every floor of the 4 story building. All of this for a total of 250 employees.


We may have worked for the same company, I was just going to come on here and say the exact same story..that the rumoured value of the coffee machine at my old job was 20k. It wasn't even that great.


I work in a professional office building, where most people have access to free coffee in their suites. And there's still a huge line of people at the Tim Hortons in the lobby every morning. And Tim Hortons coffee is awful. (Yeah, I'm not scared, come at me Canada.) I just don't get it.

100% agree Tim's Coffee isn't great. Apparently, McDonalds coffee now is what Tim's used to taste like back in the day.


My relatives used to be huge Tim's drinkers....for decaf coffee and tea. But then they 'cut back" and got a keurig. Which...I guess is better?? But FOR TEA!!!! AND DECAF COFFEE!! Just mathed it out, a cup of tea is 20x more expensive in a keurig cup than a tea bag. And turning on a kettle is the same LOE as turning on a keurig. I don't get it.

speedofsound

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4128 on: December 20, 2017, 07:18:18 AM »
Yet another one of my wife's relatives (who are notoriosly financially unreliable) has crawled out of the woodwork asking if she will co-sign on a loan for an Audi.  The guy hasn't held too many jobs since dropping out of high school, and my wife and I work our butts off and have no debt.

It's not uncommon for her family members to call us asking to borrow thousands of dollars for a down payment on this or that, or to cosign on this or that. Ugh...their excuse: "you don't have kids and we do...so you have to help us".

I'm trying to find ways to 'lock up' our assets and keep a more modest front and make our money inaccesible. We drive a 8 year old paid-off VW Jetta with 55k miles...so we don't give the appearance of  wealth.  I am trying to keep our cash to just emergency fund so we have the excuse not to loan them any money.  What a PITA.

Rubic

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4129 on: December 20, 2017, 07:34:21 AM »
It's not uncommon for her family members to call us asking to borrow thousands of dollars for a down payment on this or that, or to cosign on this or that. Ugh...their excuse: "you don't have kids and we do...so you have to help us".

Response:  "Let me check, but I think our money is busy right now."

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4130 on: December 20, 2017, 08:08:23 AM »
Whether your money is busy or not - its really, really busy. Sorry!!!

Even if $50K cash is laying on the coffee table to air out, its really, really busy....
« Last Edit: December 20, 2017, 08:10:24 AM by Just Joe »

gaja

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4131 on: December 20, 2017, 09:03:19 AM »
Yet another one of my wife's relatives (who are notoriosly financially unreliable) has crawled out of the woodwork asking if she will co-sign on a loan for an Audi.  The guy hasn't held too many jobs since dropping out of high school, and my wife and I work our butts off and have no debt.

It's not uncommon for her family members to call us asking to borrow thousands of dollars for a down payment on this or that, or to cosign on this or that. Ugh...their excuse: "you don't have kids and we do...so you have to help us".

I'm trying to find ways to 'lock up' our assets and keep a more modest front and make our money inaccesible. We drive a 8 year old paid-off VW Jetta with 55k miles...so we don't give the appearance of  wealth.  I am trying to keep our cash to just emergency fund so we have the excuse not to loan them any money.  What a PITA.

You need to have a "checkins" and a "savins", like Kevin Hart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhM1dGyUca4

ixtap

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4132 on: December 20, 2017, 10:18:10 AM »
Yet another one of my wife's relatives (who are notoriosly financially unreliable) has crawled out of the woodwork asking if she will co-sign on a loan for an Audi.  The guy hasn't held too many jobs since dropping out of high school, and my wife and I work our butts off and have no debt.

It's not uncommon for her family members to call us asking to borrow thousands of dollars for a down payment on this or that, or to cosign on this or that. Ugh...their excuse: "you don't have kids and we do...so you have to help us".

I'm trying to find ways to 'lock up' our assets and keep a more modest front and make our money inaccesible. We drive a 8 year old paid-off VW Jetta with 55k miles...so we don't give the appearance of  wealth.  I am trying to keep our cash to just emergency fund so we have the excuse not to loan them any money.  What a PITA.

And I thought my family was bad for insisting that everything we do differently is only possible because we don't have kids. Uh, no, it is all possible because we choose to live by our priorities, not your expectations.

jinga nation

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4133 on: December 20, 2017, 10:18:20 AM »
Yet another one of my wife's relatives (who are notoriosly financially unreliable) has crawled out of the woodwork asking if she will co-sign on a loan for an Audi.  The guy hasn't held too many jobs since dropping out of high school, and my wife and I work our butts off and have no debt.

It's not uncommon for her family members to call us asking to borrow thousands of dollars for a down payment on this or that, or to cosign on this or that. Ugh...their excuse: "you don't have kids and we do...so you have to help us".

I'm trying to find ways to 'lock up' our assets and keep a more modest front and make our money inaccesible. We drive a 8 year old paid-off VW Jetta with 55k miles...so we don't give the appearance of  wealth.  I am trying to keep our cash to just emergency fund so we have the excuse not to loan them any money.  What a PITA.

You need to have a "checkins" and a "savins", like Kevin Hart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhM1dGyUca4
Who knew Kevin Hart could Facepunch himself and go all savvy on banking. I love watching him, but now he's got more respect from me for taking it to a higher level.

Cookie78

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4134 on: December 20, 2017, 01:05:31 PM »
Whether your money is busy or not - its really, really busy. Sorry!!!

Even if $50K cash is laying on the coffee table to air out, its really, really busy....

Expensive humidifier! LOL

accountingteacher

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4135 on: December 20, 2017, 04:09:32 PM »
Yet another one of my wife's relatives (who are notoriosly financially unreliable) has crawled out of the woodwork asking if she will co-sign on a loan for an Audi.  The guy hasn't held too many jobs since dropping out of high school, and my wife and I work our butts off and have no debt.

It's not uncommon for her family members to call us asking to borrow thousands of dollars for a down payment on this or that, or to cosign on this or that. Ugh...their excuse: "you don't have kids and we do...so you have to help us".

I'm trying to find ways to 'lock up' our assets and keep a more modest front and make our money inaccesible. We drive a 8 year old paid-off VW Jetta with 55k miles...so we don't give the appearance of  wealth.  I am trying to keep our cash to just emergency fund so we have the excuse not to loan them any money.  What a PITA.

Out of curiosity, is the relative Narcissistic in other ways as well?  It's a pattern I'm noticing in a lot of stories in this thread and that I certainly see in my own wall-of-shame in-laws.

max9505672

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4136 on: December 20, 2017, 06:12:23 PM »
I'm starting to get really frustrated with my sister.  Every time we see each other, she finds something to pick at financially.  We were together for a friggen funeral, and she still had time to rag on me for my pants being "old" - less than 5 years old, which to me is just worn in - and making snide comments about "oh right, because you want to retire at 45."  She seems to genuinely resent both that I'm doing well financially, and that I don't like to spend unnecessarily, and absolutely no conception that those things might be connected.  I get that her life is rough right now, but I can't help but see the direct consequences of the choices she made - getting a degree in something she didn't want to do for a job, putting off her career to get married right out of college and follow his career instead, so now she's going back to school while working full time and getting a divorce - I get that all that sucks, and I'm sorry that it's happening, but none of that is my fault and dealing with this resentment for having a stable life is getting real old.  And then she suggests that I need to be more spontaneous!  It makes me not want to spend time with her, if she's just going to keep making these backhanded comments and belittle me for making good choices.
I think this is a pretty common human reaction to difference in general. A lot of people, instead of trying to understand what you are trying to do, why you want to do it and how they could learn and benefit from it,  seem to want to judge or discredit  it. I think it comes from a feeling of insecurity from that person. Every time someone go against their beliefs and comfortable habits, they feel  the need to convince themselves you are wrong at what  you do and what they do is right. In reality, thereís no such thing as right  or wrong, black or white, especially when you donít have a clue what you are talking about. Everytime  I hear someone judging something they donít know, it rings a bell; why does it bother you that much? Why are you so insecure about it? Why arenít you interested about it?

Iím not a psychologist though haha, just everyday observations.

Chesleygirl

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4137 on: December 20, 2017, 08:29:38 PM »
We have one at my workplace. It does make a good cup of coffee (at the very least better than the keurig coffee I have on the weekends [it was a gift :P]). It still surprises me that co-workers will buy coffee on the commute in, when we can get coffee for free in the office from a $5k coffee maker...

Well, I'm surprised to see people buying milkshakes when they could make one in a blender at home. I bought one today at Chik Fil A. Cost was over $3.00.

Rowellen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4138 on: December 20, 2017, 11:30:37 PM »
I just received a Christmas card from my parents (ie mum) in the mail today. A $6 card that she paid $1.30 to post and she knows it will be in the bin next week. Not only that but I'm seeing her on Sunday. Just a little thing but so typical of her attitude.  "It was just a couple dollars". *facepalm*
« Last Edit: December 20, 2017, 11:41:06 PM by Rowellen »

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4139 on: December 21, 2017, 01:12:25 AM »
I'm starting to get really frustrated with my sister. ...
It makes me not want to spend time with her, if she's just going to keep making these backhanded comments and belittle me for making good choices.

This is sad. Have you told her how you feel? Are you close in other ways? The level of information that she has about your finances is WAY more than my siblings have about mine. [I'm not saying my way is perfect, but that there is a range of information sharing that can work.] There's no law that obliges you to share your retirement plans with your siblings.

If you are presenting your choices as "good" (and hers as "bad"?) then that could be encouraging her to think that making judgements on each other's spending is something that you do.

I'd try to separate out your choices and what is "good" or "smart", just say that it is what works for you. If she comments on your trousers (at a funeral - ouch!), stress that you are not asking her to wear them, and that you don't need to hear about her opinions on them. It's not out of order to say that it's hurtful to hear someone ragging on your trousers. Don't try to justify your choices, why it is smart, what your goals are. Just reiterate that this is your choice (or your trousers) and that you aren't looking for input, make it boring and non-contentious.

Good luck.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4140 on: December 21, 2017, 01:48:36 AM »
The level of information my (financially responsible, potential large inheritance on the way because my parents don't spend their huge pile o' cash) family have about my and my husband's financial situation is:
- We are saving money
- We don't need them to give us any money
- They don't need to worry about us
- We can afford for me to take extended maternity leave/be a SAHP for a while (I'm pregnant) if that's what I end up doing

Sometimes my parents pressure me to spend money. My mother wants me to buy lots of expensive maternity clothes. I have bought one new pair of jeans and one charity shop dress thus far. I find other reasons to not spend the money (e.g. "Ugh! All of these maternity clothes are so hideous!" (true) "I don't want to buy them all at once because I want to save up some shopping treats for later in the pregnancy" (true) "I'm waiting to see if my friend who just had her baby wants to keep all of her stuff" (true)).

I would cut WAY WAY back on discussing anything related to money with your sister. I also think it's OK to say out loud: "It makes me not want to spend time with you, if you're just going to keep making these backhanded comments and belittle me for making good my choices." It's a true and fair statement.

Chesleygirl

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4141 on: December 21, 2017, 07:51:49 AM »
I just received a Christmas card from my parents (ie mum) in the mail today. A $6 card that she paid $1.30 to post and she knows it will be in the bin next week. Not only that but I'm seeing her on Sunday. Just a little thing but so typical of her attitude.  "It was just a couple dollars". *facepalm*

I had a friend that got mad at me one year for sending her one of those boxed Christmas cards. (From a box where each card is the same - more affordable this way). She said it was cheap and that I should have sent her a "Hallmark" Christmas card instead. She was offended because she thought our friendship was more important that I would individually select a special card for her from a card rack at the store. And sending a boxed card was cheap and tacky.  Now that I've posted this I realize people will likely think I made this up. Sadly, I did not.

Now, I still send out boxed cards at Christmas. Because the cost breaks down to about 25 cents per card rather than spending $5.00 or $6.00 on an individual card for each person I know. If I did that, it could easily cost $100 a year just to mail out Christmas cards to all my friends.  The price of greeting cards is just crazy these days.

Jouer

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4142 on: December 21, 2017, 08:18:55 AM »
We have one at my workplace. It does make a good cup of coffee (at the very least better than the keurig coffee I have on the weekends [it was a gift :P]). It still surprises me that co-workers will buy coffee on the commute in, when we can get coffee for free in the office from a $5k coffee maker...

Well, I'm surprised to see people buying milkshakes when they could make one in a blender at home. I bought one today at Chik Fil A. Cost was over $3.00.

Talk to me when you are buying milkshakes 5 times a week, sometimes more.

BJacks

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4143 on: December 21, 2017, 08:22:48 AM »
I just received a Christmas card from my parents (ie mum) in the mail today. A $6 card that she paid $1.30 to post and she knows it will be in the bin next week. Not only that but I'm seeing her on Sunday. Just a little thing but so typical of her attitude.  "It was just a couple dollars". *facepalm*

I had a friend that got mad at me one year for sending her one of those boxed Christmas cards. (From a box where each card is the same - more affordable this way). She said it was cheap and that I should have sent her a "Hallmark" Christmas card instead. She was offended because she thought our friendship was more important that I would individually select a special card for her from a card rack at the store. And sending a boxed card was cheap and tacky.  Now that I've posted this I realize people will likely think I made this up. Sadly, I did not.

Now, I still send out boxed cards at Christmas. Because the cost breaks down to about 25 cents per card rather than spending $5.00 or $6.00 on an individual card for each person I know. If I did that, it could easily cost $100 a year just to mail out Christmas cards to all my friends.  The price of greeting cards is just crazy these days.

That is insane. I buy all my cards from the dollar store if I buy them at all. I usually buy a few at a time and just keep extras in a cabinet. Saves me time/effort. I did just spend a little bit more on a pack of 25 'handmade' cards at Costco for $15 so now I have a nice little box to keep my extra dollar store cards in when I run out of the fancy ones in like 4+ years.

One of the guys I work with said that I needed to write a newsletter basically that said what my family had been up to this year to mail out to people with a Christmas card and pictures. Apparently they do this every year. I'm giving out 5 cards, in person, that are more thank you/Christmas cards.

Chesleygirl

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4144 on: December 21, 2017, 08:27:38 AM »
We have one at my workplace. It does make a good cup of coffee (at the very least better than the keurig coffee I have on the weekends [it was a gift :P]). It still surprises me that co-workers will buy coffee on the commute in, when we can get coffee for free in the office from a $5k coffee maker...

Well, I'm surprised to see people buying milkshakes when they could make one in a blender at home. I bought one today at Chik Fil A. Cost was over $3.00.

Talk to me when you are buying milkshakes 5 times a week, sometimes more.

This can happen easily with a big family.  I have three kids (who don't even drink coffee yet), so I have to watch a lot more than just coffee consumption.

And there's plenty of people with a milkshake habit, soda habit, etc buying five times per week or sometimes more. It's not like coffee is the only beverage served in restaurants.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2017, 08:30:21 AM by Chesleygirl »

Chesleygirl

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4145 on: December 21, 2017, 08:31:57 AM »
I just received a Christmas card from my parents (ie mum) in the mail today. A $6 card that she paid $1.30 to post and she knows it will be in the bin next week. Not only that but I'm seeing her on Sunday. Just a little thing but so typical of her attitude.  "It was just a couple dollars". *facepalm*

I had a friend that got mad at me one year for sending her one of those boxed Christmas cards. (From a box where each card is the same - more affordable this way). She said it was cheap and that I should have sent her a "Hallmark" Christmas card instead. She was offended because she thought our friendship was more important that I would individually select a special card for her from a card rack at the store. And sending a boxed card was cheap and tacky.  Now that I've posted this I realize people will likely think I made this up. Sadly, I did not.

Now, I still send out boxed cards at Christmas. Because the cost breaks down to about 25 cents per card rather than spending $5.00 or $6.00 on an individual card for each person I know. If I did that, it could easily cost $100 a year just to mail out Christmas cards to all my friends.  The price of greeting cards is just crazy these days.

That is insane. I buy all my cards from the dollar store if I buy them at all. I usually buy a few at a time and just keep extras in a cabinet. Saves me time/effort. I did just spend a little bit more on a pack of 25 'handmade' cards at Costco for $15 so now I have a nice little box to keep my extra dollar store cards in when I run out of the fancy ones in like 4+ years.


This girl was very spendy and wanted/expected others to be the same way. In a strange way, though, she influenced me to become more frugal and be proud of it. Because I don't want to be like her. If that makes any sense.


Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4146 on: December 21, 2017, 08:32:58 AM »
I just received a Christmas card from my parents (ie mum) in the mail today. A $6 card that she paid $1.30 to post and she knows it will be in the bin next week. Not only that but I'm seeing her on Sunday. Just a little thing but so typical of her attitude.  "It was just a couple dollars". *facepalm*

I had a friend that got mad at me one year for sending her one of those boxed Christmas cards. (From a box where each card is the same - more affordable this way). She said it was cheap and that I should have sent her a "Hallmark" Christmas card instead. She was offended because she thought our friendship was more important that I would individually select a special card for her from a card rack at the store. And sending a boxed card was cheap and tacky.  Now that I've posted this I realize people will likely think I made this up. Sadly, I did not.

Now, I still send out boxed cards at Christmas. Because the cost breaks down to about 25 cents per card rather than spending $5.00 or $6.00 on an individual card for each person I know. If I did that, it could easily cost $100 a year just to mail out Christmas cards to all my friends.  The price of greeting cards is just crazy these days.

I believe you, because I had a godmother like that. (Still have, actually, she's still alive, but there's a reason I haven't seen her in years and years). We used to call her Hyacinth Bucket as a nickname. She actually did buy boxed cards, to send back to people who sent her boxed cards last year. She'd buy cards in three or four price categories and depending on certain criteria (like blood relation, whether you'd addressed the card in the "right" way) you'd get a cheaper or more expensive card. I was about 14 when she explained that to me and that's when I realised she wasn't just weird auntie Hyacinth but actually insane.

Apart from her, everyone I know sends boxed cards, if they send cards at all. I don't send a lot of cards, but I buy one charity box every year and send a few cards to mostly elderly relatives. I bought Amnesty cards this year.

Sibley

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4147 on: December 21, 2017, 09:29:14 AM »
I just received a Christmas card from my parents (ie mum) in the mail today. A $6 card that she paid $1.30 to post and she knows it will be in the bin next week. Not only that but I'm seeing her on Sunday. Just a little thing but so typical of her attitude.  "It was just a couple dollars". *facepalm*

I had a friend that got mad at me one year for sending her one of those boxed Christmas cards. (From a box where each card is the same - more affordable this way). She said it was cheap and that I should have sent her a "Hallmark" Christmas card instead. She was offended because she thought our friendship was more important that I would individually select a special card for her from a card rack at the store. And sending a boxed card was cheap and tacky.  Now that I've posted this I realize people will likely think I made this up. Sadly, I did not.

Now, I still send out boxed cards at Christmas. Because the cost breaks down to about 25 cents per card rather than spending $5.00 or $6.00 on an individual card for each person I know. If I did that, it could easily cost $100 a year just to mail out Christmas cards to all my friends.  The price of greeting cards is just crazy these days.

I believe you, because I had a godmother like that. (Still have, actually, she's still alive, but there's a reason I haven't seen her in years and years). We used to call her Hyacinth Bucket as a nickname. She actually did buy boxed cards, to send back to people who sent her boxed cards last year. She'd buy cards in three or four price categories and depending on certain criteria (like blood relation, whether you'd addressed the card in the "right" way) you'd get a cheaper or more expensive card. I was about 14 when she explained that to me and that's when I realised she wasn't just weird auntie Hyacinth but actually insane.

Apart from her, everyone I know sends boxed cards, if they send cards at all. I don't send a lot of cards, but I buy one charity box every year and send a few cards to mostly elderly relatives. I bought Amnesty cards this year.

I will send out 2-3 different cards. There's a funny one that only people I think will appreciate it get. There's a more traditional, but not religious, one that everyone else gets. I buy cards after Christmas for the next year, so any left over just get added to the stash for next year. This year, I think there were 4 different cards sent because I was using up leftovers from last year. If anyone complained about the card they got, I'd just take them off the list going forward. They clearly didn't want one. Only happened once. (It was funny the next year when they called to complain that they didn't get one. I'm blunt, I told them why then hung up.)

ducky19

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4148 on: December 21, 2017, 10:00:09 AM »
I just received a Christmas card from my parents (ie mum) in the mail today. A $6 card that she paid $1.30 to post and she knows it will be in the bin next week. Not only that but I'm seeing her on Sunday. Just a little thing but so typical of her attitude.  "It was just a couple dollars". *facepalm*

I had a friend that got mad at me one year for sending her one of those boxed Christmas cards. (From a box where each card is the same - more affordable this way). She said it was cheap and that I should have sent her a "Hallmark" Christmas card instead. She was offended because she thought our friendship was more important that I would individually select a special card for her from a card rack at the store. And sending a boxed card was cheap and tacky.  Now that I've posted this I realize people will likely think I made this up. Sadly, I did not.

Now, I still send out boxed cards at Christmas. Because the cost breaks down to about 25 cents per card rather than spending $5.00 or $6.00 on an individual card for each person I know. If I did that, it could easily cost $100 a year just to mail out Christmas cards to all my friends.  The price of greeting cards is just crazy these days.

I believe you, because I had a godmother like that. (Still have, actually, she's still alive, but there's a reason I haven't seen her in years and years). We used to call her Hyacinth Bucket as a nickname. She actually did buy boxed cards, to send back to people who sent her boxed cards last year. She'd buy cards in three or four price categories and depending on certain criteria (like blood relation, whether you'd addressed the card in the "right" way) you'd get a cheaper or more expensive card. I was about 14 when she explained that to me and that's when I realised she wasn't just weird auntie Hyacinth but actually insane.

Apart from her, everyone I know sends boxed cards, if they send cards at all. I don't send a lot of cards, but I buy one charity box every year and send a few cards to mostly elderly relatives. I bought Amnesty cards this year.

"It's pronounced, 'Bouquet'!!!"

I used to love that show!

MrsDinero

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4149 on: December 21, 2017, 10:04:30 AM »
Had to share this one. 

I was texting with my cousin who was upset because despite his applying to many jobs and being qualified, he hasn't gotten any job offers (his spouse works full time and is carrying the load.).  He is currently working 15 hours a week making about $10-12/hr.  Both kids are either in day care full time or going to after school care.  This is because when he finds a full time job he wants to be able to start work right away and he can't if he is taking care of the kids all day (still don't understand that one).  The place he is working part time at offered him full time hours, but he turned it down because he said the amount of money still isn't enough and worth his time.  This has been the situation for more than a year.   When I was texting him, he told me he was treating himself out to lunch because being at home was too depressing.

He was at a mid-range fast food restaurant so I'm imagining he spent about $10-$15 on food.  He didn't seem to see the folly of eating a full hour of earned income while complaining that his hourly rate wasn't high enough.