I need a quick vent ... my older brother
Perfect, I need a quick vent about my brother-in-law! Not strictly a money rant, but a rant all the same.
In July he started working FIFO, and has to drive from his city to ours, then fly from our city to his work destination. He asked if he could stay with us the night before his early flight. Sure.
He asked to spend one night with us. He did not ask if he could spend one night with us every fortnight for the next six months. He just ... let us pick up on that along the way.
While it is fine that he stays, it is logistically difficult for us because his roster has him staying with us on the worst possible night for my work schedule (I could get home anywhere between 7pm and 10pm) and it's a night my husband is almost guaranteed to be travelling.
Given that no-one is likely to be home to let him in, we need to make other arrangements.
He gave me the first few dates of his roster (sometimes he's out there for a week, sometimes a fortnight), then stopped, even though he has his roster for the entire six months. In an email. Which he could forward me.
He just called my husband:
BiL: Hey, what are you doing?
H: Just leaving for the airport.
BiL: Oh. Is it still ok* if I stay at yours tonight? (*still ok implying he's even mentioned this to us!)
My husband agreed but did give him talking to about how it might be polite to give us more than three hours' notice that he wants to spend the night so that we can sort out keys, etc.
I appreciate that this is a new concept for BiL who doesn't even lock his front door. He lives in a beach suburb, so this is seriously not recommended, but he leaves it open so his mates can crash on his couch after a night out or an early surf.
The good news: regular visits from BiL means I'm getting him talking money and budgets. So far I've rolled over his super, discussed his budget, and pointed out ways he can make the most of his FIFO time.
I'm just mortified knowing he will let himself in to a pile of clean washing all over the spare/his bed and a floor that didn't get vacuumed on the weekend.
Do you live in a high crime neighborhood? Are you afraid of BIL stealing things?
To be frank, it sounds like you're a little uptight. Why not just give your BIL a key? Is his schedule more erratic than once every two weeks? It seems like it should be a fairly easy thing to plan around.
Because they agreed to ONE visit. Not to put him up once every two weeks, and definitely not to provide him with unrestricted on-demand access to their home. It's not their duty to "plan around" an extra burden they simply didn't agree to. Nor should they be required to give a key to someone that at least one half of the couple already thinks is around too much and is creating too much of a burden.
This isn't necessarily full-on mooching. It's definitely boundary pushing.
Every time someone is given an inch but takes a mile, it's because the person doing the taking either isn't clear about what's being given or what the boundaries and expectations are. That lack of clarity is sometimes deliberate. However if the giver doesn't spell out exactly what the limits are once he or she realizes there's a misunderstanding, the taker begins to redraw the boundaries.
In this case there's a bit of both going on. The guest was vague in his request and has become downright inconsiderate with his notice. But the hosts have also really failed to spell out what their expectations were once they realized that their version of reality didn't line up with Bro's.
The fact it was only supposed to be a one-time visit should have been said BEFORE the first visit, or at a minimum at the time of the second (uninvited) visit when the hosts realized there was a misunderstanding. This didn't happen. So even if the misunderstanding on Bro's end was accidentally-on-purpose, there's now a solid precedent supporting the idea that he's indeed invited to stay overnight before every single flight as a welcome guest. That precedent is entirely the hosts' fault.
The big talking-to, which was supposed to correct the problem, did not address the real problem. Instead of telling the brother the truth, which was that there'd been a misunderstanding, that his stays had become very inconvenient especially with the short notice, and that having him spend the night was no longer working for the family... the hosts told the guest it "might be polite" to give them more than three hours' notice. ((?!!!!)) THEY GAVE HIM PERMISSION TO CONTINUE.
The solution is not to reward Bro's less than considerate behavior by rolling over and giving him a key to their house. The solution is to have an intelligent conversation between themselves about what they are, or are not, going to run their home in the future. Then, once they've worked that out for themselves, they present it to Bro.
This couple needs to work out a few questions between themselves.
1. What part of the situation is unsustainable? Is it the fact he's in the house unsupervised? The fact he arrives on short notice with an irregular schedule that he knows about well in advance but doesn't communicate? The fact he's there too often? The fact there's a logistics burden associated with preparing the room and cleaning up after him? Is it the loss of privacy? The lack of ability to make other plans? The fact that it's a bit of a one-way street in which the hosts are putting forth all the effort for an interaction that isn't really satisfying or fun for them (because, let's face it, he's not exactly taking them out for a meal or treating them in any way to compensate for their effort)? Or is it the fact that it's now an ongoing situation with no end in sight?
2. Can the bits of the situation that are unsustainable be fixed, while still allowing at least some of the visits to occur, and while allowing the up-side (such as money management talks) to continue?
3. Can the fix be put in place without destroying the relationship (which sounds basically good in most other respects)?
If there's disagreement about which bits are unsustainable, the person who wants the visits to continue needs to be the one to pick up the slack and make any necessary accommodations.