Author Topic: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.  (Read 12505 times)

Hunny156

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Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« on: September 22, 2014, 10:19:08 AM »
The hubby & I have made a few new friends recently.  One couple in particular we really like, but it's pretty obvious that they enjoy spending money and accumulating debt.

It was suggested that us girls get together soon to go shopping and "do some damage on the credit cards".  Even the mall suggested made me cringe, I often to refer to it as "everything that's wrong with this country", lol!

I'd really like to keep this friendship going, and I can manage the food & beverage activities we do as a couple to keep it within the budget we are accustomed to, but the shopping thing - it makes me cringe!  I can certainly suck it up and head to the mall, but I already know the awkwardness that will ensue when I have zero interest in shopping or buying anything.  My usual default answer is that I don't like the crowds in malls, but this is an outdoor mall, so I don't think this will fly.

Help!  How would you handle this in a way that won't offend or ruin the friendship?

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2014, 10:26:25 AM »
I know people who like to shop at malls.   Seems extremely crazy to me!   Since you are building a friendship (based on trust and honesty).   Say it like this,  "I'm not much for shopping but would really like to spend time with you etc..."   "Perhaps we could have you and the gang over for a post shopping dinner?"   Or preshopping brunch etc.. That way you can still be part of the experience.   

Or if you want to be an all star shopper,  go along and amaze your friends with huge purchases in the multi thousands.   Then the next day take them all back!  lol

merula

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2014, 10:27:26 AM »
Do you have any past experiences with shopping/debt, or have you always disliked malls?

If the former "Oh, I wish I could, but I still have PTSD flashbacks from the time I [joking example, like "spent $10,000 in two hours and it took me 3 years to pay it off"]. Let's do [free thing] instead."

If the latter "Oh, I wish I could, but I've just never gotten into malls. Isn't that weird? It's like I was never a teenage girl! I'd love to go do [free thing] instead."

Or you could say you're already maxed out, but that will probably be revealed to be a lie if you continue to be friends.

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2014, 10:31:02 AM »
If the trip is a set date (or weekend), then having something else to do as an excuse would work without being rude. Not sure of your outward appearance as a couple money wise, but if you 'appear' like you don't have much money, you can say you can tag along but buying anything isn't in the budget right now or something to that effect. Keep in mind that they are not mustachian and probably draw responses from emotional cues more so than logic. How can you appeal to their emotions without being rude and convey a message that you don't want to go to the mall. Suggesting an alternative activity she might enjoy may work (one that is lighter on the purse obviously).

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2014, 10:59:31 AM »
I'd be honest and simply say that I don't like day-long shopping trips, especially at malls, and that I don't need anything from the mall. I have everything that I needed already. So I'll skip this outing but maybe we can do X activity next week or I can meet you for dinner after your day of shopping. A friendship should be built on honesty and mutual interests. Shopping is one interest that you don't share. But you're friends for another reason, so focus on the other activities that you enjoy doing together.

I have a group of friends who love shopping. I used to go on weekend shopping trips at outlet malls. I'm turned off of mall shopping now. We haven't gone in a few years now and if one came up, I'd pass and would instead suggest an outing where we actually DO something (ie, go sightseeing).

Hunny156

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2014, 11:42:36 AM »
Thanks for the alternative options, I'll have to really think about which of these approaches would work best.  She's pretty much alluded that her hubby is an avid football guy, so now that the season is here, she has nothing to do on Sundays, so shopping with a girlfriend would be her ideal way to spend multiple Sundays.  I can probably push her off for a bit, but not long term, this is HER hobby it seems.

We have tried to not divulge much information, but the more you chat, the more stuff comes out.  They were vaguely aware that we owned a rental house, and they outright asked us about this past weekend, so we didn't lie.  We tried to present the more costly parts of it, but I'm pretty sure that they realize we have some cash to burn.  Difference is that I prefer to burn my disposable income by putting it in ETF's, not Crates & Barrels.  ;)

I like the angle of being a former addicted shopper, b/c at one point, that probably wasn't too far off from reality.  I totally was that teen girl who spent every waking minute at the mall.  Didn't necessarily spend, but window shopping was totally my thing.  Now, I find it to be a pointless activity.

Hopefully I can find something else she would consider common ground for the girls day out activities...

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2014, 11:57:59 AM »
You could also just go anyway and not find anything that you're 100% set on buying.  Or use the time to browse some clearance/other stuff.

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2014, 12:15:42 PM »
Sunday is brunch day!  Going to the mall on brunch day is an obscenity.  Also, we only have so much nice weather left.  Even a mall-fool should save it for winter.

So, make a pitcher of sangria or mimosas, a nice bacon and carmelized onion quiche, fresh fruit, hang out on patio for hours, browse through some fashion magazines if that's her thing (half price books will have them).  Never hurts you to look!  She'll agree it's much better than the mall.

vivophoenix

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2014, 12:25:28 PM »
 is this a real question?

if youre trying to make new friends why the smoke and mirror show:

i dont go to the mall, cause i dont enjoy spending money for fun.

its adult, mature and honest.

everything else is misleading and useless.

are you ashamed of your lifestyle?

or are you afraid your new friend wont like the real you?

galliver

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2014, 12:34:45 PM »
Thanks for the alternative options, I'll have to really think about which of these approaches would work best.  She's pretty much alluded that her hubby is an avid football guy, so now that the season is here, she has nothing to do on Sundays, so shopping with a girlfriend would be her ideal way to spend multiple Sundays.  I can probably push her off for a bit, but not long term, this is HER hobby it seems.

We have tried to not divulge much information, but the more you chat, the more stuff comes out.  They were vaguely aware that we owned a rental house, and they outright asked us about this past weekend, so we didn't lie.  We tried to present the more costly parts of it, but I'm pretty sure that they realize we have some cash to burn.  Difference is that I prefer to burn my disposable income by putting it in ETF's, not Crates & Barrels.  ;)

I like the angle of being a former addicted shopper, b/c at one point, that probably wasn't too far off from reality.  I totally was that teen girl who spent every waking minute at the mall.  Didn't necessarily spend, but window shopping was totally my thing.  Now, I find it to be a pointless activity.

Hopefully I can find something else she would consider common ground for the girls day out activities...

Hike/walk? Beach/lake/swimming? Even a yoga or pilates class, though not free, would probably be cheaper and healthier than shopping. At home manicures or cooking something new together? Gardening?

CommonCents

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2014, 12:35:06 PM »
Sunday is brunch day!  Going to the mall on brunch day is an obscenity.  Also, we only have so much nice weather left.  Even a mall-fool should save it for winter.

So, make a pitcher of sangria or mimosas, a nice bacon and carmelized onion quiche, fresh fruit, hang out on patio for hours, browse through some fashion magazines if that's her thing (half price books will have them).  Never hurts you to look!  She'll agree it's much better than the mall.

+1

And be honest - "I'm not much of a shopper and don't have anything I need to buy right now, but I'd love to have you over for a relaxing brunch while the guys watch football."

Hunny156

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2014, 12:52:54 PM »
Sunday is brunch day!  Going to the mall on brunch day is an obscenity.  Also, we only have so much nice weather left.  Even a mall-fool should save it for winter.

So, make a pitcher of sangria or mimosas, a nice bacon and carmelized onion quiche, fresh fruit, hang out on patio for hours, browse through some fashion magazines if that's her thing (half price books will have them).  Never hurts you to look!  She'll agree it's much better than the mall.

+1

And be honest - "I'm not much of a shopper and don't have anything I need to buy right now, but I'd love to have you over for a relaxing brunch while the guys watch football."

Yes, I've already had them over several times, using pretty much this same strategy.  We had a blast!  But I understand the need to do different things.  I guess I don't know her well enough yet to know what else she finds fun, other than shopping.  Hopefully she's got other interests!

CommonCents

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2014, 01:11:23 PM »
Sunday is brunch day!  Going to the mall on brunch day is an obscenity.  Also, we only have so much nice weather left.  Even a mall-fool should save it for winter.

So, make a pitcher of sangria or mimosas, a nice bacon and carmelized onion quiche, fresh fruit, hang out on patio for hours, browse through some fashion magazines if that's her thing (half price books will have them).  Never hurts you to look!  She'll agree it's much better than the mall.

+1

And be honest - "I'm not much of a shopper and don't have anything I need to buy right now, but I'd love to have you over for a relaxing brunch while the guys watch football."

Yes, I've already had them over several times, using pretty much this same strategy.  We had a blast!  But I understand the need to do different things.  I guess I don't know her well enough yet to know what else she finds fun, other than shopping.  Hopefully she's got other interests!

Ah.  Then I'd try: "I'm not much of a shopper and don't have anything I need to buy right now, but I'd still love to see you while the guys watch football.  What about going to an art musuem (if you have a membership)/to this outdoor farmers market/to this outdoor concert/renting a movie from redbox/going on this easy nature hike, etc.  Is there anything else you'd enjoy doing this weekend?"

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2014, 01:12:24 PM »
It would only work once, but if you still do Christmas presents, could you go and knock out all your holiday shopping early? Buy hubby's birthday present for next year? :)   

Hunny156

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2014, 01:18:58 PM »
is this a real question?

if youre trying to make new friends why the smoke and mirror show:

i dont go to the mall, cause i dont enjoy spending money for fun.

its adult, mature and honest.

everything else is misleading and useless.

are you ashamed of your lifestyle?

or are you afraid your new friend wont like the real you?

Yup, it's a real question, and one that many mustachians struggle with.  MMM even wrote a post about how he deals with spendy friends.

It's not about smoke and mirrors, its about challenging the status quo, and how many people automatically take your lifestyle choices as some sort of referendum on their lifestyle.  I personally prefer to live and let live, I'm not out to change anyone unless they outright ask for help, but people can be fickle, and this is a hot button issue for many.  I'm also childfree by choice, and that makes people uncomfortable too!  I have found that anytime you do something that is different from the societal norms, people can't just take it at face value.

We really like this couple, and we'd like to continue being fast friends.  If we knew people would be open to our lifestyle, we'd convert everyone, and we genuinely feel bad to see people put themselves in bad situations, but we can't save everybody, and we know from experience, the end result is birds of a feather.  A bit myopic, we like to have all kinds of friends, but again, we are different from most people.

vivophoenix

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #15 on: September 22, 2014, 01:31:15 PM »
is this a real question?

if youre trying to make new friends why the smoke and mirror show:

i dont go to the mall, cause i dont enjoy spending money for fun.

its adult, mature and honest.

everything else is misleading and useless.

are you ashamed of your lifestyle?

or are you afraid your new friend wont like the real you?

Yup, it's a real question, and one that many mustachians struggle with.  MMM even wrote a post about how he deals with spendy friends.

It's not about smoke and mirrors, its about challenging the status quo, and how many people automatically take your lifestyle choices as some sort of referendum on their lifestyle.  I personally prefer to live and let live, I'm not out to change anyone unless they outright ask for help, but people can be fickle, and this is a hot button issue for many.  I'm also childfree by choice, and that makes people uncomfortable too!  I have found that anytime you do something that is different from the societal norms, people can't just take it at face value.

We really like this couple, and we'd like to continue being fast friends.  If we knew people would be open to our lifestyle, we'd convert everyone, and we genuinely feel bad to see people put themselves in bad situations, but we can't save everybody, and we know from experience, the end result is birds of a feather.  A bit myopic, we like to have all kinds of friends, but again, we are different from most people.


it is not about challenging the status quo, or converting or any other 'special snow flake' situation.

 your friend wants  you to participate with her,  in an activity you dont enjoy.

the smoke and mirrors is that fact that you are looking for a complex manner(good lie?) in which to preserve your burgeoning friendship. 

if  she cant handle your life style/ is fickle, why are you so eager to become besties with her?


please stop trying to sound like a martyr.   

its simple solution: my husband and i dont spend money for entertainment, but its great hanging out you guys.  how about we do 'insert any other free activity here'

its the same for vegetarians, satan cultists, and many other people who do things  differently.  be open and honest and less whiney

Hunny156

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2014, 01:48:28 PM »
is this a real question?

if youre trying to make new friends why the smoke and mirror show:

i dont go to the mall, cause i dont enjoy spending money for fun.

its adult, mature and honest.

everything else is misleading and useless.

are you ashamed of your lifestyle?

or are you afraid your new friend wont like the real you?

Yup, it's a real question, and one that many mustachians struggle with.  MMM even wrote a post about how he deals with spendy friends.

It's not about smoke and mirrors, its about challenging the status quo, and how many people automatically take your lifestyle choices as some sort of referendum on their lifestyle.  I personally prefer to live and let live, I'm not out to change anyone unless they outright ask for help, but people can be fickle, and this is a hot button issue for many.  I'm also childfree by choice, and that makes people uncomfortable too!  I have found that anytime you do something that is different from the societal norms, people can't just take it at face value.

We really like this couple, and we'd like to continue being fast friends.  If we knew people would be open to our lifestyle, we'd convert everyone, and we genuinely feel bad to see people put themselves in bad situations, but we can't save everybody, and we know from experience, the end result is birds of a feather.  A bit myopic, we like to have all kinds of friends, but again, we are different from most people.


it is not about challenging the status quo, or converting or any other 'special snow flake' situation.

 your friend wants  you to participate with her,  in an activity you dont enjoy.

the smoke and mirrors is that fact that you are looking for a complex manner(good lie?) in which to preserve your burgeoning friendship. 

if  she cant handle your life style/ is fickle, why are you so eager to become besties with her?


please stop trying to sound like a martyr.   

its simple solution: my husband and i dont spend money for entertainment, but its great hanging out you guys.  how about we do 'insert any other free activity here'

its the same for vegetarians, satan cultists, and many other people who do things  differently.  be open and honest and less whiney

I'm not asking for your judgmental feedback. Either answer the question or move onto another post.  By the way, I'm also a vegan, but I don't force people into eating the way I do, it's my choice, and I will bend over backwards to accommodate others, simply because I don't want to be a special snowflake.

I don't know if she'll turn into a "bestie" or not, but it's early on enough in the friendship where I am not interested in souring the potential friendship that may be there.  You don't need to be 100% in sync with someone to be friends with them.

I have no interest in being a martyr, but I am speaking from experience.  My personal faves are the ones who ask a ton of questions, seem interested in learning a different way, and then shrug and say "oh, it's because you don't have kids".  That is certainly part of it, but is that the only reason?  Nope, not by a longshot.  Was it worth losing an otherwise good friend b/c we value financials differently?  I guess it mattered more to them than it did to me, but if I can avoid that becoming an issue in the future, yeah, I'd really prefer that.

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #17 on: September 22, 2014, 02:27:21 PM »
is this a real question?

if youre trying to make new friends why the smoke and mirror show:

i dont go to the mall, cause i dont enjoy spending money for fun.

its adult, mature and honest.

everything else is misleading and useless.

are you ashamed of your lifestyle?

or are you afraid your new friend wont like the real you?

Yeah I don't get what the problem is either.  If someone pretended they were interested in an activity I was interested in just to be friends with me, it would come out eventually and it would be really weird. 

I mean, if new friends asked me to go to their church, I'd be like, oh, that's really sweet of you to invite me, but I'm not religious.  I wouldn't go into a whole song and dance suggesting we do some other activity instead.

That's the practical point here: is she inviting you because she wants to go shopping or only because she wants to spend time with you?  I feel like if I want to do an activity, it's on my list to do even if my friend doesn't want to come.  It would be irritating to keep bringing up something I want to do and always have the friend try to turn the activity into something she wants to do, you know?

Hunny156

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2014, 02:47:20 PM »

Yeah I don't get what the problem is either.  If someone pretended they were interested in an activity I was interested in just to be friends with me, it would come out eventually and it would be really weird. 

I mean, if new friends asked me to go to their church, I'd be like, oh, that's really sweet of you to invite me, but I'm not religious.  I wouldn't go into a whole song and dance suggesting we do some other activity instead.

That's the practical point here: is she inviting you because she wants to go shopping or only because she wants to spend time with you?  I feel like if I want to do an activity, it's on my list to do even if my friend doesn't want to come.  It would be irritating to keep bringing up something I want to do and always have the friend try to turn the activity into something she wants to do, you know?

A lot of women bond over shopping.  I used to be one of them, but no longer am.  I'm certain she wants to spend more time with me, and I want to spend time with her as well.  It was her first (and only) suggestion.  I smiled, but didn't respond one way or another this time.  I'm sure it will come up again, and I don't want it to be this awkward thing.  More than likely, I'll suck it up and go shopping once in a blue moon with her, and if she brings up the not spending part, I'll tell her that truthfully, it's not my thing, or use some of the suggestions here, like I used to be an avid shopper, but got myself into trouble.  That isn't too far from the truth in my situation.

Thanks to those who commented, I appreciate all the suggestions!

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #19 on: September 22, 2014, 03:22:00 PM »
I think you can very nicely bow out of the shopping trip and follow it up by inviting her to do something you like to do. I find when making new friends that you both have to feel each other out at first to find activities you like doing together. If a new friend suggests something I'm not really into, I try to decline and then suggest something in the same vein that I do like to do. 

If there is something at the mall that you really need, go, only look at what you need, and your lack of interest in random window shopping and oohing and ahhing over the spending of others will probably make it clear that while you enjoy the company, you don't enjoy the activity. Can you suggest that you skip the shopping part as there's nothing you need but you'll meet her at the mall for lunch before she hits the stores? Or for coffee at the mall when she's done? That highlights that you want to spend time with her but gets you out of the shopping itself.


AJ

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2014, 03:32:25 PM »
I understand the dilemma. It is a really similar feeling to being vegetarian and hitting it off with a new couple...of avid hunters. My diet choices aren't the be-all-end-all of my identity, and neither (probably) is their hunting. But bringing it up for the first time can cause tension and can make either (or both) parties feel judged for their choices, however unintentionally. As much as we might all like to believe it shouldn't matter, when a relationship is new it is more delicate. I also find that I'm pickier about my friends as I age, so finding someone I really hit it off with is less common than in years prior, and I too would be defensive of the fledgling relationship.

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #21 on: September 22, 2014, 03:38:22 PM »
Most of my friends are fairly frugal, but there's one that's quite spendy. It's common knowledge that I'm frugal. I mention occasionally, when it comes up, that I hate to spend money.

Every now and then I'll get invited to go along on a shopping trip, and a simple "no, thanks" seems to take care of it. Or sometimes I'll accept, but I rarely buy anything. Nobody seems to care.

Metta

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2014, 05:29:32 PM »

Yeah I don't get what the problem is either.  If someone pretended they were interested in an activity I was interested in just to be friends with me, it would come out eventually and it would be really weird. 

I mean, if new friends asked me to go to their church, I'd be like, oh, that's really sweet of you to invite me, but I'm not religious.  I wouldn't go into a whole song and dance suggesting we do some other activity instead.

That's the practical point here: is she inviting you because she wants to go shopping or only because she wants to spend time with you?  I feel like if I want to do an activity, it's on my list to do even if my friend doesn't want to come.  It would be irritating to keep bringing up something I want to do and always have the friend try to turn the activity into something she wants to do, you know?

A lot of women bond over shopping.  I used to be one of them, but no longer am.  I'm certain she wants to spend more time with me, and I want to spend time with her as well.  It was her first (and only) suggestion.  I smiled, but didn't respond one way or another this time.  I'm sure it will come up again, and I don't want it to be this awkward thing.  More than likely, I'll suck it up and go shopping once in a blue moon with her, and if she brings up the not spending part, I'll tell her that truthfully, it's not my thing, or use some of the suggestions here, like I used to be an avid shopper, but got myself into trouble.  That isn't too far from the truth in my situation.

Thanks to those who commented, I appreciate all the suggestions!

You might want to go the first time and simply be there for her in that activity. From what I've noticed, women who enjoy retail therapy relax quite a bit while shopping. That's a good opportunity to steer the conversation to learn about other things she likes doing. Then you can figure out where your interests align.

philby85

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #23 on: September 22, 2014, 06:58:15 PM »
You are a former pop star that sang a song about going to the mall and it drove you crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY_bhVSGKEg

Hunny156

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #24 on: September 22, 2014, 07:30:06 PM »
You are a former pop star that sang a song about going to the mall and it drove you crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY_bhVSGKEg

LOL, not quite!  My Mom would never let me dress "trendy" like that!  Dad had a sh*t fit when I wanted to buy a pair of leggings...

Josiecat

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #25 on: September 22, 2014, 08:02:49 PM »
Remember there is usually a 'Clearance' section.  I can also find little gifties for my gift drawer (small gift stash I keep so I have them on hand).  I NEVER pay full price for anything.  I love TJMaxx and Marshalls.  Lots of great deals there.

pachnik

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #26 on: September 22, 2014, 08:13:58 PM »
Remember there is usually a 'Clearance' section.  I can also find little gifties for my gift drawer (small gift stash I keep so I have them on hand).  I NEVER pay full price for anything.  I love TJMaxx and Marshalls.  Lots of great deals there.

+1  This is a very good idea.  Just do the shopping you 'need' to do.  Any birthdays coming up or Christmas maybe?  Once in a while a trip like this could be a useful thing.  Then you can switch it up with your new friend - I liked the idea earlier in the thread about margaritas during the football game too.

dragoncar

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #27 on: September 23, 2014, 12:12:17 PM »
Go to the mall and buy a bunch of stuff.  Return it the next day.

But seriously, could you bond without buying anything?  I'd enjoy an outdoor mall, just looking at and trying on the crazy stuff without buying.  But maybe the friends would see you as a wet blanket if you don't buy?

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #28 on: September 23, 2014, 12:20:48 PM »
I totally understand your issue.  I usually have to go to Saks Fifth Avenue with my shopper friends.  I respond by saying, "Great!  I need some new foundation and/or skin cream."  This is important.  It can NOT be anything else. 

When you go shopping, go to that part of the store or mall.  Most high-end stores will give you small samples of foundation or skin cream.  If they don't, just says, "My skin is really sensitive, so I need to test out products before I buy."  Get a few samples, go look at whatever she wants to look at for a bit.  Maybe buy something you need for yourself or a gift.  Then you are done.

mydogismyheart

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #29 on: September 23, 2014, 12:38:19 PM »
I actually had this happen yesterday and I was completely honest.  I was out to lunch at a Sushi place which happened to be at the mall with a brand new co-worker (I am the one joining her team, and she wanted to celebrate by taking me to lunch).  Afterward, we still had some time to kill since we didn't have to be at the office for another hour.  She suggested we go do some shopping in the mall and I just promptly told her I didn't need anything.  She then kept going and said, "lets just shop for fun". And I just honestly told her that I don't like to spend a lot of money.  We ended up going to Starbucks instead which was a good compromise, I can handle purchasing 1 drink since she purchased lunch.  She was totally cool with it and we went back to the office and enjoyed chatting and getting to know each other the rest of the day.

Maybe it was a little harsh to just say, "I don't like to spend a lot of money".  But it's the truth and if she had pursued it further I would have explained more, but she didn't really seem to care, she just promptly suggested Starbucks instead which was perfect.

rockstache

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #30 on: September 23, 2014, 02:15:04 PM »
I guess I am in the camp of not understanding the issue too (although I wouldn't call you whiny for asking). I am a regular girly girl but I just happen to absolutely hate shopping and malls and crowds. Anyone that wants to be my friend or hang out with me is going to find that out at some point, and I would probably just be honest about it from the beginning. If she really wants to hang out with you, she will suggest something else (or take you up on your suggestion). If she really just wants to shop, then you can either tag along and not buy anything, or she can go with someone else.

sheepstache

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #31 on: September 23, 2014, 03:37:43 PM »



That's the practical point here: is she inviting you because she wants to go shopping or only because she wants to spend time with you?  I feel like if I want to do an activity, it's on my list to do even if my friend doesn't want to come.  It would be irritating to keep bringing up something I want to do and always have the friend try to turn the activity into something she wants to do, you know?
I'm certain she wants to spend more time with me, and I want to spend time with her as well. 

Rockstache said what I was trying to say better.  I'm not doubting that she wants to spend time with you, I'm just wondering if she also needs to go shopping--like, as part of her errands--and would enjoy your company and so thought to kill two birds with one stone.  Or if the sole purpose is to hang out with you, which makes it easier to suggest something else.

I still think simply being honest about whatever your inclination is is the best policy.  As you say in a different post, friends don't have to be 100% in sync, so I'm not sure why you're worried about this. Personally, I would probably go just for the spectacle but not buy anything.  She'd figure out that I wasn't a shopper and was just there out of friendship but we'd have a good time.  If you get the feeling that might be awkward with this person, you could even say ahead of time that you'd love to go but probably won't buy anything because you're just not into it and let her decide if that's the sort of outing she wants to have.

Honestly, it's hard to tell over the internet of course, but it sounds like you feel uncomfortable going at all.  And you're afraid to sound like that person at a party who blurts out that they don't drink because they're in AA :) I'd say you should just practice different ways of stating the truth about not enjoying spending money as an entertainment or liking to save money in relaxed ways that don't make you sound anxious about the issue.  That will serve you well whenever the topic comes up rather than having to come up with solutions on a case by case basis.

Quote
A lot of women bond over shopping.
Sure, but 'a lot of women' is not all women. Surely your new friend knows that non-shopping women exist! And 'bond over shopping' doesn't mean that's the only thing they bond over. One of my friends is a shopper but she knows I'm not. So she does it with other friends. We prefer to bond over heavy drinking instead :) I'm not normally much of a drinker, so we've worked out this system where we accommodate each other.  Or something else we would do to make sure we spent time together is choose a television show we both liked and we'd only watch it with each other, so it was a good reason to get together once a week.  So the thing to focus on is finding positive things that you uniquely have in common, not worry so much about avoiding things. I'm willing to bet that's what she's doing. If you're naturally a shopper, she probably picked up on that and that's why she suggested this activity. She doesn't care whether you like to shop or not, she just wants to find something you can share together.

edit: tags
« Last Edit: September 23, 2014, 06:14:27 PM by sheepstache »

Elderwood17

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #32 on: September 23, 2014, 05:25:31 PM »
Just go and be yourself.  The next Sunday, take the initiative and suggest an alternate activity.  The friendship will develop to the degree you both find thi gs in common you like to do.  Most friendships aren't asked on a perfect align,ent of interests, but if there is enough overlap it will work.  If not....still being honest and yourself is the best policy.

zing12

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2014, 12:21:06 PM »
Just go and be yourself.  The next Sunday, take the initiative and suggest an alternate activity.  The friendship will develop to the degree you both find thi gs in common you like to do.  Most friendships aren't asked on a perfect align,ent of interests, but if there is enough overlap it will work.  If not....still being honest and yourself is the best policy.

Yeah, I wouldn't make a thing about it either. Shooting down the trip to the mall could do more damage to the friendship than just going and not buying anything. I used to go to the mall from time to time with my ex, had a nice time just walking around and looking around. Although, she just liked to pick up an article of clothing once every month or three... I don't know what it'd be like to go with somebody who said "put some damage on the credit cards."
« Last Edit: September 24, 2014, 12:22:57 PM by zing12 »

domustachesgrowinhouston

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #34 on: September 24, 2014, 01:08:11 PM »
I can hike all day long, so long as it's out in the middle of nowhere.  My wife takes about 10 steps and then gets tired and has to rest.

My wife can hike all day long, so long as it's in a market.  I take about 10 steps and then get tired and have to rest.

We occasionally venture out on these things together, more to show support than anything else I suppose.  But we've found a lot of other things we do enjoy doing together and mostly do those instead, we save the hiking and shopping trips for others that will appreciate them more.

socaso

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #35 on: September 24, 2014, 01:36:36 PM »
I had a shopping trip with a female friend recently and only bought a $1 pair of earrings but I still had fun. If I were in your shoes I'd use this a chance to find out about your new friend's other interests. Tell her shopping isn't your thing but you'd be glad to accompany her once or twice (or perhaps she'd be a good person to go holiday shopping with if you indulge in that.) Then tell her how much you like hanging out with her and tell her what kinds of activities you'd like to have a friend along for and ask her what sorts of things she'd like to do. I liked the idea above of suggesting exercise-type activities. I used to have a female friend I worked out with and hiked with. She moved out of town and I miss those times we had.

Apocalyptica602

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #36 on: September 24, 2014, 01:55:24 PM »
Might be oversimplifying this but: Go to the mall and enjoy the nice weather walking in and out of the stores talking with your new friend? Provide feedback on her purchases and chat idly about anything that tickles your fancy and have a good time?

If she thinks it's unusual that you're not buying anything just say 'I'm not really looking to buy anything right now but it's nice to get out of the house and spend some time together.'

You've touched on how you dislike malls, but maybe take a shot of optimism and focus on quality time with your friend. Good conversation is good conversation whether it's sitting on your porch drinking coffee or walking around an outdoor mall. You've said that you've done plenty of inviting them over for inexpensive / fun activities, indulge her with a trip to the mall once in a while as well.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2014, 01:58:24 PM by Apocalyptica602 »

Hunny156

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #37 on: September 25, 2014, 11:39:05 AM »
Wow, I skipped a few days and look at all this advice!  :)

I think I've been just analyzing a lot of cues from her, which is what is making me a bit anxious.  She's the type of person who shops for fun, of that I'm certain.  Very into designer labels and all that.  The mall she suggested is basically the rodeo drive of our area, no shot in hell that I'm going to find a Marshall's there, lol!

Here's another interesting tidbit - she suggested her hubby get a part time job at a high end retailer, so they could pay off their credit card bills.  Then she was bored at home b/c he wasn't there, so she would go to the store and use his employee discount.  They did this for four years, and in the end, their home looks perfect, it could be in the catalog, but they actually are worse off financially.

I'm going to take her up on the shopping trip, and go at least once.  I can always browse, and not buy unless something amazing comes up.  If she asks, I can tell her I'm not much for malls, I tend to to most of my shopping on the internet, which is also true.  I guess I'm a bit concerned b/c I have some co-workers who are mall rats, and they always tried to force me to buy stuff when they did on our lunch breaks.  I was polite and said I wasn't interested, but it was just uncomfortable overall.  Like they would be in the dressing room trying on matching bras, and I was reading on my kindle!  I'm not sure why three girls in the same department need to have matching bras, that takes bonding to a whole new level...  (They were not Lesbian or Bi-Curious or anything either)

KBecks2

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #38 on: September 25, 2014, 01:13:12 PM »
Just be honest.  I'm really not into shopping, but have a great time.  Suggest activities that you will genuinely like.  Time is precious don't waste it walking around a mall if you don't want to!!!!

HairyUpperLip

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #39 on: September 26, 2014, 08:11:50 AM »
I can hike all day long, so long as it's out in the middle of nowhere.  My wife takes about 10 steps and then gets tired and has to rest.

My wife can hike all day long, so long as it's in a market.  I take about 10 steps and then get tired and have to rest.

lolol

sheepstache

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #40 on: September 26, 2014, 09:48:33 AM »
Ha ha, OP, your descriptions are funny. I mean, at the end of the day, if the woman wants to make you uncomfortable about not shopping, do you really want her as a friend? But I see what you're saying; by influencing the circumstances, you'll give the friendship a greater likelihood of success.

acroy

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #41 on: September 26, 2014, 10:05:10 AM »

I'm going to take her up on the shopping trip, and go at least once.  I can always browse, and not buy unless something amazing comes up.  If she asks, I can tell her I'm not much for malls, I tend to to most of my shopping on the internet, which is also true.

Good call. I have plenty of friends interested in other things. We tag along with each other & show interest in each other's hobbies. That's what a friend is, right?

Splurge on a $2 coffee and nurse it while having fun with you shopping pal. It's ok to look & comment without buying crap!

if your interests diverge too much, you'll drift apart. No biggie.

iris lily

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #42 on: September 26, 2014, 11:32:44 AM »
While you'd never get me on a girl's day out to the mall, you COULD entice me to go Old Towne to shop and lunch. While I would be looking at the cobblestone street and historic architecture, others could be shopping.

Most regions have these "Old Towne" areas and most of the "shoppes" have craploads of new junk, few carry real antiques (which is what really interests me.)

So, would this be an option?

Another option is to find one of those places, usually out in the country or in a tiny village, that is known for a special kind of lady meal such as: tea & scones, or pies. You can kill half a day by driving there (lots of girlfriend time to bond in the car) and lunching, then looking at the display of wares for sale because there is always a display of wares, then driving back.

Since she seems to be a shopper (someone who like to scan objects, walk along and talk to their friends, talk about the objects they see, and consider buying some of the objects) move her along toward a  different kind of place where she can still do all of the activities of shopping yet you aren't really in a mall.

For me, it is the inherent dullness of mass produced new cheap gimcracks from China that bore me in a mall. I could shop for antiques all day.

Art museums and history museums are other such places, they all have shops that you can visit after seeing the displays.

socaso

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #43 on: September 26, 2014, 12:12:46 PM »
Wow, I skipped a few days and look at all this advice!  :)

I think I've been just analyzing a lot of cues from her, which is what is making me a bit anxious.  She's the type of person who shops for fun, of that I'm certain.  Very into designer labels and all that.  The mall she suggested is basically the rodeo drive of our area, no shot in hell that I'm going to find a Marshall's there, lol!

Here's another interesting tidbit - she suggested her hubby get a part time job at a high end retailer, so they could pay off their credit card bills.  Then she was bored at home b/c he wasn't there, so she would go to the store and use his employee discount.  They did this for four years, and in the end, their home looks perfect, it could be in the catalog, but they actually are worse off financially.

I'm going to take her up on the shopping trip, and go at least once.  I can always browse, and not buy unless something amazing comes up.  If she asks, I can tell her I'm not much for malls, I tend to to most of my shopping on the internet, which is also true.  I guess I'm a bit concerned b/c I have some co-workers who are mall rats, and they always tried to force me to buy stuff when they did on our lunch breaks.  I was polite and said I wasn't interested, but it was just uncomfortable overall.  Like they would be in the dressing room trying on matching bras, and I was reading on my kindle!  I'm not sure why three girls in the same department need to have matching bras, that takes bonding to a whole new level...  (They were not Lesbian or Bi-Curious or anything either)
Wow. Unless you guys find some common ground other than shopping I don't know if she's going to be a great girlfriend for you. You can still have couple dates with them, though. It sounds like she could stand to develop a couple of hobbies. You mentioned before that she gets bored when her hubby watches sports and she gets bored when he's not at home. None of us get to have our spouses entertain us constantly.

Chrissy

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #44 on: September 26, 2014, 07:45:28 PM »
What dragoncar said.  Go, shop, talk, and have a great time.  Buy anything you want with glee, and put it ALL ON THE CREDIT CARDS!!!  Shove the bags in the trunk of your car when you get home, and, Monday, return every last garment, bauble, and toy on your way home from work.

If she ever asks, "Hey, where's your new purse?" etc., just say you changed your mind.  It's true, after all.

2ndTimer

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #45 on: September 27, 2014, 10:09:05 AM »
I hang with a woman who likes to shop.  I go along, chat, look at things, buy a pricey cup of coffee and once in a while find something that I need at the right price.  I do try to steer her to a place where I would actually shop now and then like the local factory reject chocolate shops and the salvage stores.  She is actually quite delighted by how much she can buy for the same money at those places.

Davids

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #46 on: September 27, 2014, 11:13:50 AM »
I like the idea a couple people suggested, just go along on the trip, buy a bunch of stuff as well and then just return them all the next day.

resy

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Re: Question - How to handle a new, somewhat spendy friend.
« Reply #47 on: September 27, 2014, 11:22:01 PM »
I agree with others that have suggested being honest; the most important thing is how you deliver thr message though. I see where you are coming from as I have also had this problem in the past. At first I tried "getting out of it" or "redirecting" the shopping into something else but then I realized it was actually being taken as a rejection of some sort by the women that would want to go shopping with me. Eventually I started being honest and it worked out MUCH better. My friends know I "dont do malls" and instead invite me to do other things...the end result I wanted!
Btw, I said somethig to the tune of "I am trying to be conscientious of my comsumption/spending/shopping (whatever word you prefer) and malls give me headaches anyway so I'll skip the shopping tree but I'd love to hang out otherwise!" All with a great smilr, casual tone. Worked like a charm :)