I understand the desire for fairness, but I guess I'm over that. My mom used to talk about how she paid the same amount towards my wedding as my sister's. In reality, she bought my invitations ($100), and then she paid for my sister's and my brother's hotel rooms at my wedding. Not quite the same, and I didn't care, but she wanted to FEEL like she was being fair.
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This!
Yes, I will admit to a small portion of jealously, especially when we were younger and did not have much money to spend on the things I felt were important for my kids (like lessons AND braces, instead of just braces...)
But what gets / used to get / to me was how the parent will convince herself that she is being fair / equal... and then state that. I finally had to tell her to stop bringing up money and finances as it made me feel bad after those discussions, and I did not really care how she spent her money, as long as sister never asked ME for money.
e.g., of what is "equal" in her mind: (This is MIL who we are pretty close to, so most of my angst is on behalf of my husband)
1. In highschool, DH received the (used) family stereo when his dad upgraded, as his Christmas / Birthday present. Sister received a brand new stereo at the same age, because it was "fair".
2. DH sold the family car and was allowed to keep the $$ above dealership trade in offer. It was a lot of work, and then used that $$ plus savings from jobs / allowance / etc to buy a used Acura (very nice in those days). SIL received a NEW Acura (same model / different year) purchased by dad because "it was fair".
3. Our wedding was $12k including honeymoon. They gifted us $5k for it, spread across alcohol and other expenses (the other parents gave us about $7k too). SIL's wedding was ( I guess) $25k was fully paid for because it was the "equivalent" of our wedding and she had no personal savings or other in-laws to help pay for it.
4. They gave SIL $150k or more towards her home purchase, and put us in their current will so that we will get $150k in oh, say, 40 years after, because that is fair. (I really won't need more money then, but I could have used it previously, that's for sure)
5. Fully paying for my neices' multiple ballet classes, because SIL can't afford them and we have our kids in classes (um,,, we had swimming classes, and only $80 per month cost at the time, I would have LOVED to afford other lessons for my kids).
Of course at some point, the pretense disappeared and they ended up paying for SIL utilities, car insurance, property taxes, and being the full time care provided for my nieces for several years... all because SIL earned less than we do. By this time, they had stopped discussing money "fairness" with us (at my request), and it was SOOO much better.
This left the "normal" jealousy that grandma favors my nieces over my kids.. in terms of time and attention anyway, but as they all grow older it is less important.
But you know what? DH is so amazing, he doesn't even notice or mind. He just, like, never thinks about it and if I point it out, is very happy that his sis gets help, and grateful for whatever time or money/gifts he receives.
Here's a funny tidbit -- at one time I was struggling to get our grocery bill down (like many of you at one point), so that we could pay for those braces and other life events, and get back on track with retirement savings...and I mentioned it to SIL. She was confused at why our bill was so high, as hers was only $150/mo for a family of 4 (in BC). A very tight budget would be closer to $600 at that time. LOL it was pretty clear to me then that all the packaged food, meat, yogurt, bread and fruit was bought by grandma who needed food in the house when she babysat all week! SIL had no idea.
I must say that although jealousy is there (I am human), just writing to a forum thread, or to a author in an email is all most of us need to have it disappear for a year. What those people wrote is likely not how they act most times. Just venting.