Overheard on Facebook

[Miamoo]

Step daughter just posted that she's 'lost' the 4th wedding ring in 8 years of marriage.

We stopped acknowledging after the second time.

Either it's time for a newer, bigger, better one again or she just doesn't like being married?

My husband has lost 3 in 4 years. (Occupational hazard. He's a musician and takes them off to play.) This is why we have cheap rings. And, for added nerd-cred, they're moebius strips.

'K - that I get!  Makes sense to take it off then but . . . forgive my ignorance I had to look up mobius strip as may pertain to a wedding ring (?)

https://www.etsy.com/listing/56299885/wide-mobius-strip-wedding-band-this-ring?utm_source=google&utm_medium=product_listing_promoted&utm_campaign=jewelry_mid&gclid=CPzwhLGVn70CFecWMgod7R0ABg

Love the 'Twig & Leaf'!

I can imagine lots of reasons one might lose a wedding ring in having to take it off as an occupational hazard but . . . ?  I'm still a little puzzled with this situation????

Oh well.

[lysistrata]

Step daughter just posted that she's 'lost' the 4th wedding ring in 8 years of marriage.

We stopped acknowledging after the second time.

Either it's time for a newer, bigger, better one again or she just doesn't like being married?

My husband has lost 3 in 4 years. (Occupational hazard. He's a musician and takes them off to play.) This is why we have cheap rings. And, for added nerd-cred, they're moebius strips.

My husband designed and made our wedding rings himself, from gold handed  down from his great grandmother. The design is based on a saxon ring found in a horde. On our wedding day he dropped it 3 times - he was fidgeting. Once it nearly went down a drain. We knew he wouldn't be able to wear it much as he works in the field and a laboratory, and he's a drummer and can't play with it on. But after that we put it in a box, and he got the design and engraving tattooed on his shoulder, so he would still wear it. I thought that was the most romantic thing :)

[Cinder]

Perhaps everyone who takes it off often should wear it on a chain on their neck?

[MicroRN]

Actually, there IS some pretty funny whatnot on Facebook. Observe! This is a person paraphrasing their daughter

Daughter(On a Saturday): We're going to the park to play, because we like to have fun. You're going to work, because you like money.

Daughter (on Christmas): You told me this is the most special day all year. How can you have to work?

Dauther (tonight): I know you have to work to make money so we have food... and you help people... I wish you wanted to help me more than other people. I always miss you. All the time.

Awww, poor kiddo.  I worry about this sometimes.  I'm a nurse, so I'll be working every other weekend and every other holiday for the foreseeable future.  DH is in the Navy, so extended separations are the norm.  Right now the kiddos are too young to care, but eventually we're going to start missing important days.     

[Mississippi Mudstache]

Actually, there IS some pretty funny whatnot on Facebook. Observe! This is a person paraphrasing their daughter

Daughter(On a Saturday): We're going to the park to play, because we like to have fun. You're going to work, because you like money.

Daughter (on Christmas): You told me this is the most special day all year. How can you have to work?

Dauther (tonight): I know you have to work to make money so we have food... and you help people... I wish you wanted to help me more than other people. I always miss you. All the time.

Awww, poor kiddo.  I worry about this sometimes.  I'm a nurse, so I'll be working every other weekend and every other holiday for the foreseeable future.  DH is in the Navy, so extended separations are the norm.  Right now the kiddos are too young to care, but eventually we're going to start missing important days.     

Well, my wife's dad works in the control room at a paper mill. It costs about $2 million to shut down a paper mill and restart it, so someone is there 24/7. He worked nights, weekends, holidays, basically whenever they told him to work, and often they had to cancel vacations if something went wrong and he was told to stay. But she still turned out a lot better than me :)

I will say that my in-laws has a lot to do with why my wife is on board with the early retirement thing. They have their financial ducks in a row by modern society's standards, but they don't seem to understand the connection betweentheir multiple large, new SUVs and full-size pickups, boats, and other toys, and the fact that they will keep working for another 10 years. I hope to retire about the same time!

[Bigote]

Been meaning to post this.   Besides the obvious anti-mustachianism, its also kind of funny.


Person #1:   Has anyone quit having a gardener mow & blow your lawn and bought a lawn mower and done it yourself instead? Considering, but wondering how realistic it is.

Person #2:  Maybe the other 98%?

Person #1:  Yeah, yeah. I'm wondering if other elitist suburban douchebags like me have done it, though.

Person #3:  Ken did. Now our yard looks like crap.

[Workinghard]

Actually, there IS some pretty funny whatnot on Facebook. Observe! This is a person paraphrasing their daughter

Daughter(On a Saturday): We're going to the park to play, because we like to have fun. You're going to work, because you like money.

Daughter (on Christmas): You told me this is the most special day all year. How can you have to work?

Dauther (tonight): I know you have to work to make money so we have food... and you help people... I wish you wanted to help me more than other people. I always miss you. All the time.

Awww, poor kiddo.  I worry about this sometimes.  I'm a nurse, so I'll be working every other weekend and every other holiday for the foreseeable future.  DH is in the Navy, so extended separations are the norm.  Right now the kiddos are too young to care, but eventually we're going to start missing important days.     

I'm guessing you're around at other times, though, right?

My mother missed most weekends due to work, and my birthday, which is in November, was regularly rescheduled (along with Christmas) because my family is in toys and shipping. But we built new family traditions around postponed Christmas and half birthdays and my mother was usually home when I got home from school.

My dh and I are both nurses too and it was a given that one of us would be working every holiday.  However, we always took our son's BD, Dec. 22, off and would celebrate holidays on a different day so we could all be together.

[dragoncar]

Been meaning to post this.   Besides the obvious anti-mustachianism, its also kind of funny.


Person #1:   Has anyone quit having a gardener mow & blow your lawn and bought a lawn mower and done it yourself instead? Considering, but wondering how realistic it is.

Person #2:  Maybe the other 98%?

Person #1:  Yeah, yeah. I'm wondering if other elitist suburban douchebags like me have done it, though.

Person #3:  Ken did. Now our yard looks like crap.

Those people are all hilarious

[Gin1984]

Actually, there IS some pretty funny whatnot on Facebook. Observe! This is a person paraphrasing their daughter

Daughter(On a Saturday): We're going to the park to play, because we like to have fun. You're going to work, because you like money.

Daughter (on Christmas): You told me this is the most special day all year. How can you have to work?

Dauther (tonight): I know you have to work to make money so we have food... and you help people... I wish you wanted to help me more than other people. I always miss you. All the time.

Awww, poor kiddo.  I worry about this sometimes.  I'm a nurse, so I'll be working every other weekend and every other holiday for the foreseeable future.  DH is in the Navy, so extended separations are the norm.  Right now the kiddos are too young to care, but eventually we're going to start missing important days.     

My aunt worked as a vet tech in an emergency clinic my entire youth.  It become normal to have X-mas on a different date.  Personally I never minded.

[TLV]

My aunt worked as a vet tech in an emergency clinic my entire youth.  It become normal to have X-mas on a different date.  Personally I never minded

I initially read this as "normal to have X-rays on dates" and wondered why anyone would do that.

_{edit: fixed quote tag}

[Squirrel away]

I read that someone was complaining about how much housework she has in a week because her house is so big. It was something like 20 hours a week she spends just to maintain it.

[AlanStache]

Person #1:   Has anyone quit having a gardener mow & blow your lawn and bought a lawn mower and done it yourself instead? Considering, but wondering how realistic it is.

Person #2:  Maybe the other 98%?

Person #1:  Yeah, yeah. I'm wondering if other elitist suburban douchebags like me have done it, though.

Person #3:  Ken did. Now our yard looks like crap.

At least they have some clue about there economic position...

[notquitefrugal]

I initially read this as "normal to have X-rays on dates" and wondered why anyone would do that.

They always told me that it's what's on the inside that counts.

[Gin1984]

I initially read this as "normal to have X-rays on dates" and wondered why anyone would do that.

They always told me that it's what's on the inside that counts.

LOL, you two are cracking me up!

[Miamoo]

My husband designed and made our wedding rings himself, from gold handed  down from his great grandmother. The design is based on a saxon ring found in a horde. On our wedding day he dropped it 3 times - he was fidgeting. Once it nearly went down a drain. We knew he wouldn't be able to wear it much as he works in the field and a laboratory, and he's a drummer and can't play with it on. But after that we put it in a box, and he got the design and engraving tattooed on his shoulder, so he would still wear it. I thought that was the most romantic thing :)

Oh that is soooooooo romantic.  What a guy you got!  What a fantastic idea!!!!!  Gives me happy chills all over :-)

(And an idea for a side gig is forming in me wee brain as I type.  You could have a next big trend there)

[Vorpal]

I will fully admit that I pay a lawn service to cut, edge and blow my suburban lawn. I just got tired of the expense and hassle of maintaining the equipment (!@#$!@#$ trimmers were always breaking/not starting) and buying gas/oil/trim line, not to mention the time and misery. For those that would balk at my clownlike behavior, you're more than welcome to mow my lawn in 100 degF / 99% humidity during the summer -- I'll pay you the same rate ($25 per cut).  You can even take frequent breaks so that you don't get heat stroke! You'll be able to knock it out in a few hours.

[MgoSam]

My cousin's wife posted something about

"Which do you hate the most...

a. The amount you pay in taxes
b. The crippling debt
c.  Saving for children's college
d. Not knowing how much to save for retirement"

I wanted to respond but didn't. What I wanted to say was "Worrying over things that I cannot control, such as the tax rate and the country's "crippling" debt, is not something I try to do, especially as the sleep I get is something I value. I don't plan on having any kids so I do not worry about their college education and should I have kids, I hope to teach them to be as self-reliant as possible, which would include funding much of their own way through college (something I wish I had been taught), and for retirement it isn't that complex, I send most of my paycheck to Vanguard and keep myself busy with 'hobbies that don't eat' to paraphrase Ben."

[Cinder]

My cousin's wife posted something about

"Which do you hate the most...

a. The amount you pay in taxes
b. The crippling debt
c.  Saving for children's college
d. Not knowing how much to save for retirement"

Perhaps they are talking about their own debt?  Student loan or otherwise?

[Random Hangers]

Then he said he accidentally opened up a letter the other day saying his mortgage was behind by $4k. He has no idea how since he's been giving her money. He doesn't think she's "stealing" it though he seems to be making a distinction between "stealing" and "not watching spending so spends money that should go for the mortgage on other stuff".

Oh, dear. This happened to my husband's brother as well. Except in his case, wifey was squirreling the money away in anticipation of leaving him. When he found out, she pulled the trigger and filed for divorce. (And they're both lawyers, each making gobs of money--I'm honestly not sure why she opted to just stop paying the mortgage instead of just putting some of her own money away. I guess they shared their money and she didn't want him to find out?)

[cpa cat]

I will fully admit that I pay a lawn service to cut, edge and blow my suburban lawn. I just got tired of the expense and hassle of maintaining the equipment (!@#$!@#$ trimmers were always breaking/not starting) and buying gas/oil/trim line, not to mention the time and misery. For those that would balk at my clownlike behavior, you're more than welcome to mow my lawn in 100 degF / 99% humidity during the summer -- I'll pay you the same rate ($25 per cut).  You can even take frequent breaks so that you don't get heat stroke! You'll be able to knock it out in a few hours.

Your county extension can probably help you out with information, but where I am, we have similar weather. But the majority of lawns in our county are cool season grass, so it's meant to go dormant in the Summer. People water all Summer long to keep it green - which means it keeps growing. But ideally, people with hot Summers should have brownish lawns that don't need to be mowed. You give them a minimal level of water to keep them alive, but dormant, and they bounce back once it cools off.

I cancelled our lawn service one Summer when I walked outside and they were mowing my brown lawn and cutting down my raspberry bushes with the weed-wacker (I assume to keep busy?). I was livid. But my anger has saved us a lot of money - when you pay someone, it's easy to lose track of how often they mow when the grass doesn't actually need to be mowed.

Also, when I looked over our old invoices, I saw that we were paying for a mysterious 163-step chemical application that involved treating for grubs four times a year (wtf - was there some kind of grub invasion I was not aware of??). Once I asked them to treat for Chiggers and they just put another grub treatment down! I've barely treated my lawn with anything for the past 5 years and it looks better than it did when I hired someone.

[johnintaiwan]

I can't wait to see how this one turns out:

(paraphrased)
(poster was just complaining about getting his wages garnished for some court/rehab related issues)

Poster: Feels good to be a lottery winner, and I didn't even have to enter! $10,000 will get me a car and pay off my fines to get my license back.

Posters Dad: Be careful. Make sure you don't need to give them any banking details or pay any fees first.

Poster: I think I know how to take care of myself dad!

[thek1d]

My cousin is graduated from a private university with her art degree.  Apparently people really do pay thousands and thousands of dollars to "study" art - who knew?!  Well now she's set up a $5,000 fundraiser through gofundme.com for her trip to Italy ... to study art some more.  I guess art isn't paying the bills?

[dragoncar]

Poster: Feels good to be a lottery winner, and I didn't even have to enter! $10,000 will get me a car and pay off my fines to get my license back.

Posters Dad: Be careful. Make sure you don't need to give them any banking details or pay any fees first.

Poster: I think I know how to take of myself dad!

He thinks.

Can you imagine being the father?  Kid must be a terrible disappointment...

[ScienceSexSavings]

One of the multi-level marketing types on my Facebook is now doing a 30-day cleanse and fat burning program. Sadly, that doesn't mean eating well and lifting, it means smoothies and packets of soup, etc. She's really been hyping how great it is and how good she feels (and the fact that it includes "healthy chocolate"), so I figured it was something she could get a referral for. I looked it up and the company does indeed have reps, and the 30-day program costs US$375, which is a bit over CA$400 depending on the day and who does the conversion, and there's probably shipping, handling and duties on that too. All for powdered smoothies and soup... Whenever I feel bad about how long I've spent in school and the fact that I'm a broke grad student with a low rate of savings, I'll just remember this, and then I won't feel so bad.

[Bigote]

I can't wait to see how this one turns out:

Yes.  Please keep us posted.   

[NeverWasACornflakeGirl]

I can't wait to see how this one turns out:

(paraphrased)
(poster was just complaining about getting his wages garnished for some court/rehab related issues)

Poster: Feels good to be a lottery winner, and I didn't even have to enter! $10,000 will get me a car and pay off my fines to get my license back.

Posters Dad: Be careful. Make sure you don't need to give them any banking details or pay any fees first.

Poster: I think I know how to take care of myself dad!

Not overheard on Facebook, but a similar type of thing:
My spouse is a librarian, and people often come into the library to use the computers, and they also depend on the librarians for technical support on how to use email, Microsoft Suite, etc.  One day an elderly man came in and wanted help with his email.  It turned out he was being scammed via email in one of those email scams (can't remember which one it was).  No matter how much she tried to convince him that this was a scam, he wouldn't believe her and was all set to send his banking information to the scammers.  Really, really sad.  :-(

[johnintaiwan]

I can't wait to see how this one turns out:

(paraphrased)
(poster was just complaining about getting his wages garnished for some court/rehab related issues)

Poster: Feels good to be a lottery winner, and I didn't even have to enter! $10,000 will get me a car and pay off my fines to get my license back.

Posters Dad: Be careful. Make sure you don't need to give them any banking details or pay any fees first.

Poster: I think I know how to take care of myself dad!

It must have worked out. I saw the pics of the new car on FB. Bought a used lexus. Think it was cash.

[dragoncar]

I can't wait to see how this one turns out:

(paraphrased)
(poster was just complaining about getting his wages garnished for some court/rehab related issues)

Poster: Feels good to be a lottery winner, and I didn't even have to enter! $10,000 will get me a car and pay off my fines to get my license back.

Posters Dad: Be careful. Make sure you don't need to give them any banking details or pay any fees first.

Poster: I think I know how to take care of myself dad!

Not overheard on Facebook, but a similar type of thing:
My spouse is a librarian, and people often come into the library to use the computers, and they also depend on the librarians for technical support on how to use email, Microsoft Suite, etc.  One day an elderly man came in and wanted help with his email.  It turned out he was being scammed via email in one of those email scams (can't remember which one it was).  No matter how much she tried to convince him that this was a scam, he wouldn't believe her and was all set to send his banking information to the scammers.  Really, really sad.  :-(

Oh man, this reminds me of one time my dad got scammed.  He called me saying he needed my help scanning a Western Union confirmation to send to this guy.  I was like... uh that sounds like a scam.  It was too late though, he was out around $100.  I told him he was lucky it was only $100 -- not too bad for a life lesson (it's not enough to impact his finances).

[chicagomeg]

I can't wait to see how this one turns out:

(paraphrased)
(poster was just complaining about getting his wages garnished for some court/rehab related issues)

Poster: Feels good to be a lottery winner, and I didn't even have to enter! $10,000 will get me a car and pay off my fines to get my license back.

Posters Dad: Be careful. Make sure you don't need to give them any banking details or pay any fees first.

Poster: I think I know how to take care of myself dad!

Not overheard on Facebook, but a similar type of thing:
My spouse is a librarian, and people often come into the library to use the computers, and they also depend on the librarians for technical support on how to use email, Microsoft Suite, etc.  One day an elderly man came in and wanted help with his email.  It turned out he was being scammed via email in one of those email scams (can't remember which one it was).  No matter how much she tried to convince him that this was a scam, he wouldn't believe her and was all set to send his banking information to the scammers.  Really, really sad.  :-(

Oh man, this reminds me of one time my dad got scammed.  He called me saying he needed my help scanning a Western Union confirmation to send to this guy.  I was like... uh that sounds like a scam.  It was too late though, he was out around $100.  I told him he was lucky it was only $100 -- not too bad for a life lesson (it's not enough to impact his finances).

We had to send a $300 deposit to Peru via Western Union to book a trek we're doing. The Western Union people must have asked us at least 5 times if we were sure it wasn't a scam. I sure hope it wasn't!!

[Eric]

We had to send a $300 deposit to Peru via Western Union to book a trek we're doing. The Western Union people must have asked us at least 5 times if we were sure it wasn't a scam. I sure hope it wasn't!!

This is the strangest dynamic I can think of.  Is there another job in existence where the employees attempt to talk you out of using their services multiple times before letting you proceed?  I understand why, but it's still really strange.

[warfreak2]

This is the strangest dynamic I can think of.  Is there another job in existence where the employees attempt to talk you out of using their services multiple times before letting you proceed?  I understand why, but it's still really strange.

Many abortion clinics. Also, euthanasia.

[sheepstache]

That escalated quickly.

To get us back on a lighter note, I'm pleased to report some good news.  A distant acquaintance on facebook was looking for advice on where to invest her 401k rollover and a number of us were able to convince her to go with Vanguard.

I mean, we didn't really influence things.  Because what she was looking for was to invest in mutual funds as cheaply as possible.  So the battle was already won.

But I was near the battlefield, dammit.

Near.

[homehandymum]

I'm paraphrasing this status:

"Yay! We're going overseas to get married! None of you are invited, cos it's overseas.  Donations for the wedding are gratefully received"  (bank account details included).

[CommonCents]

I'm paraphrasing this status:

"Yay! We're going overseas to get married! None of you are invited, cos it's overseas.  Donations for the wedding are gratefully received"  (bank account details included).

My jaw would drop, but I've sadly discovered that weddings bring out the money beast in a way nothing else does and people forget common courtesy.

[horsepoor]

I'm paraphrasing this status:

"Yay! We're going overseas to get married! None of you are invited, cos it's overseas.  Donations for the wedding are gratefully received"  (bank account details included).

My jaw would drop, but I've sadly discovered that weddings bring out the money beast in a way nothing else does and people forget common courtesy.

Yeah.  We were stunned when we got my brother's wedding invitation, and it listed where they were registered, and said in lieu of that, they'd accept donations for their home renovations (for the $600K house they'd just paid cash for, while they were on a multi-month vacation after a cashing in on a company buy-out) such as their pool cabana.  I'm actually getting pissed again just thinking about it.  They got the privilege of our showing up and drinking all their drinx.

[Ashyukun]

I'm paraphrasing this status:

"Yay! We're going overseas to get married! None of you are invited, cos it's overseas.  Donations for the wedding are gratefully received"  (bank account details included).

I dunno- not being invited would mean that they weren't expecting you to shell out thousands to go to the wedding either in ADDITION to being expected to give them a gift or donation. DW is still mildly pissed at her brother & sister-in-law for their 'dream' destination wedding that she had to shell out a lot of money she didn't have to be a part of.

[CommonCents]

I'm paraphrasing this status:

"Yay! We're going overseas to get married! None of you are invited, cos it's overseas.  Donations for the wedding are gratefully received"  (bank account details included).

I dunno- not being invited would mean that they weren't expecting you to shell out thousands to go to the wedding either in ADDITION to being expected to give them a gift or donation. DW is still mildly pissed at her brother & sister-in-law for their 'dream' destination wedding that she had to shell out a lot of money she didn't have to be a part of.

Etiquette gurus say you 1) don't ask for money (by giving registry details or worse, providing a cute poem to ask for cold cash), 2) definitely don't from someone you're not inviting to the wedding, and 3) don't need to *tell* people they aren't invited.  That is why it's poor form to invite someone to a shower but not the wedding.  (Although the true gurus note that the shower is spontaneously thrown by friends, and not the bride's family as is so often done these days, so that might happen if they don't know the guest list, and this never used to be a problem in the days when the wedding was simple at church with a cake reception following and everyone was invited.) 

Other very common wedding etiquette errors related to money: honeyfund alluded to above, money dance (commonly done by some cultures and in those, might be viewed differently as not an error), Jack and Jill party (paying for your wedding by asking your friends and family to attend a fundraiser party, same as the other), favors of a gift to charity in the guests honor, cash bar (despite the fact that most people would prefer this to no alcohol at a wedding), insufficient food/seats at a wedding to save money, asking family (parents, grandparents) to pay for the wedding, etc.  There are some pretty bad stories out there, as I know from my time on a wedding board when planning my own wedding.  Basically, the cardinal rule is one most mustachians would appreciate: Host the wedding you can afford and don't ask for others to pay for it.

[rocksinmyhead]

Basically, the cardinal rule is one most mustachians would appreciate: Host the wedding you can afford and don't ask for others to pay for it.

well put.

[thd7t]

I'm paraphrasing this status:

"Yay! We're going overseas to get married! None of you are invited, cos it's overseas.  Donations for the wedding are gratefully received"  (bank account details included).

I dunno- not being invited would mean that they weren't expecting you to shell out thousands to go to the wedding either in ADDITION to being expected to give them a gift or donation. DW is still mildly pissed at her brother & sister-in-law for their 'dream' destination wedding that she had to shell out a lot of money she didn't have to be a part of.

Etiquette gurus say you 1) don't ask for money (by giving registry details or worse, providing a cute poem to ask for cold cash), 2) definitely don't from someone you're not inviting to the wedding, and 3) don't need to *tell* people they aren't invited.  That is why it's poor form to invite someone to a shower but not the wedding.  (Although the true gurus note that the shower is spontaneously thrown by friends, and not the bride's family as is so often done these days, so that might happen if they don't know the guest list, and this never used to be a problem in the days when the wedding was simple at church with a cake reception following and everyone was invited.) 

Other very common wedding etiquette errors related to money: favors of a gift to charity in the guests honor.  Basically, the cardinal rule is one most mustachians would appreciate: Host the wedding you can afford and don't ask for others to pay for it.

Is it really a problem to donate to charity in the guests' names?  You are giving the wedding that you can afford.  You are also making a statement about your beliefs/commitments.  Should you really have to include some candied almonds or bubbles?

[warfreak2]

Other very common wedding etiquette errors related to money: [...] cash bar

What's wrong with a cash bar? Genuinely curious. The last wedding I attended (a classmate's) had a cash bar, it didn't occur to me that it might be considered poor form.

[CommonCents]

I'm paraphrasing this status:

"Yay! We're going overseas to get married! None of you are invited, cos it's overseas.  Donations for the wedding are gratefully received"  (bank account details included).

I dunno- not being invited would mean that they weren't expecting you to shell out thousands to go to the wedding either in ADDITION to being expected to give them a gift or donation. DW is still mildly pissed at her brother & sister-in-law for their 'dream' destination wedding that she had to shell out a lot of money she didn't have to be a part of.

Etiquette gurus say you 1) don't ask for money (by giving registry details or worse, providing a cute poem to ask for cold cash), 2) definitely don't from someone you're not inviting to the wedding, and 3) don't need to *tell* people they aren't invited.  That is why it's poor form to invite someone to a shower but not the wedding.  (Although the true gurus note that the shower is spontaneously thrown by friends, and not the bride's family as is so often done these days, so that might happen if they don't know the guest list, and this never used to be a problem in the days when the wedding was simple at church with a cake reception following and everyone was invited.) 

Other very common wedding etiquette errors related to money: favors of a gift to charity in the guests honor.  Basically, the cardinal rule is one most mustachians would appreciate: Host the wedding you can afford and don't ask for others to pay for it.

Is it really a problem to donate to charity in the guests' names?  You are giving the wedding that you can afford.  You are also making a statement about your beliefs/commitments.  Should you really have to include some candied almonds or bubbles?

Giving to the charity isn't the problem.  You can separately make a donation that matches your beliefs/commitments.  You can also (I believe) skip favors entirely.  The problem lies in telling the guests you did so (in their honor) by "bragging" with a note by the plate.  The favor is intended to thank the guest for coming.  Bragging and telling someone that you wish to thank them by giving something they don't benefit from (you even get the tax write off not them) and moreover, didn't select, can be seen as rude.

There's also an assumption that you know what they would give to.  (I've heard horror stories of pro life/choice folks donating to a group of their persuasion and upsetting guests who are of the opposite perspective.)  If it's actually in their honor, the thought goes by some who are not as strict, the guest should at least be able to direct the donation themselves.  The best example I've heard on that is 4 wishing wells for 4 charities the couple had, and each guest was given one token to "wish" and direct the donation as they wished among the choices, whether it's for literacy or cancer.  But that doesn’t solve the fact that it’s 1) bragging, 2) limited selection, and 3) not the guest’s choice to donate anything in the first place.  Think of it this way - what if the couple left a note saying "Instead of providing you with dessert, we have made a contribution to the Red Cross?"

Much more appropriate is to ask the guests in lieu of gifts to make donations to your selected charity.  Then you truly are giving up your own benefit (rather than asking others to give up a benefit).

I will note that this rule of etiquette is commonly ignored by many couples (just like cash bars above, are commonly preferred by many to a dry bar).

[CommonCents]

Other very common wedding etiquette errors related to money: [...] cash bar

What's wrong with a cash bar? Genuinely curious. The last wedding I attended (a classmate's) had a cash bar, it didn't occur to me that it might be considered poor form.

Ah, I believe the reasoning on this goes you should always host your own guests and provide them with what you can afford.  (In return, the guests should not complain if that is simple a glass of lemonade or punch rather than spirits.)  If you can afford champagne, that is no problem, but it is in poor taste to invite someone somewhere and then ask the guest to chip in.  You should not ask someone to attend a holiday party at your house and then charge them for their mug of eggnog, similarly you should not do it simply because you are out in public at a different venue.

There's some *really* strong sentiment out there regarding cash bars (although nothing like honeyfund hatred.)  For the record, while I recognize this is proper etiquette - I too, would prefer the option to purchase a drink.  (Although I've happily attended dry weddings.)  We hosted an open bar wedding ourselves.

[Ashyukun]

What's wrong with a cash bar? Genuinely curious. The last wedding I attended (a classmate's) had a cash bar, it didn't occur to me that it might be considered poor form.

Ah, I believe the reasoning on this goes you should always host your own guests and provide them with what you can afford.  (In return, the guests should not complain if that is simple a glass of lemonade or punch rather than spirits.)  If you can afford champagne, that is no problem, but it is in poor taste to invite someone somewhere and then ask the guest to chip in.  You should not ask someone to attend a holiday party at your house and then charge them for their mug of eggnog, similarly you should not do it simply because you are out in public at a different venue.

There's some *really* strong sentiment out there regarding cash bars (although nothing like honeyfund hatred.)  For the record, while I recognize this is proper etiquette - I too, would prefer the option to purchase a drink.  (Although I've happily attended dry weddings.)  We hosted an open bar wedding ourselves.

Interesting. I've never seen it as being bad etiquette myself (though admittedly being an engineer etiquette isn't my forte by a long mile). Not providing ANYTHING in the way of beverages would obviously be bad, but if you can't afford paying for everyone to drink I don't see an issue with having the option for those who really want to drink to be able to do so. Asking people to pay for their drink (champagne, sparking wine, etc.) for the toast would be in rather bad taste, but if you choose and provide drinks (soda, tea, water) with the meal but some want beer assuming you're not actively trying to keep people from drinking that having a cash bar would be reasonable.

[Gen Y Finance Journey]

Etiquette gurus say you 1) don't ask for money (by giving registry details or worse, providing a cute poem to ask for cold cash)

Do you mean specifically on the invitation, or at all? We put our registry details on our website (along with all the other information our guests would need), and the invitation just directed people to the website. I don't think anyone was offended... I hope!

[rocksinmyhead]

I think as with all etiquette (but especially wedding etiquette) issues, it varies regionally and/or depending on the circles you run in. out of the weddings I've been to (midwest, middle class) it actually seems to be pretty common to offer a bar with free beer and wine but cash liquor. I like that option, and I've never heard anyone comment that they thought it was inappropriate or crass. at my own future wedding I'll probably do either that or just open bar, beer and wine only, to be on the safe side. we like beer and wine the best anyway, and I think most of our friends/family would be happy with that :)

Etiquette gurus say you 1) don't ask for money (by giving registry details or worse, providing a cute poem to ask for cold cash)

Do you mean specifically on the invitation, or at all? We put our registry details on our website (along with all the other information our guests would need), and the invitation just directed people to the website. I don't think anyone was offended... I hope!

I've usually heard that the way you did it is totally acceptable. it makes sense to me! I have heard other people say you shouldn't say anything about the registry, even on the website, and that guests should contact the maid of honor to find out or some shit like that... I think that sounds unnecessarily coy (uh, we know we're supposed to give you a gift, why make it a hassle for the guest?), especially nowadays when people move around and have different groups of friends, plenty of guests might not even know the bridal party.

[CommonCents]

Etiquette gurus say you 1) don't ask for money (by giving registry details or worse, providing a cute poem to ask for cold cash)

Do you mean specifically on the invitation, or at all? We put our registry details on our website (along with all the other information our guests would need), and the invitation just directed people to the website. I don't think anyone was offended... I hope!

Putting it on the website is better than in the invitation, but traditional etiquette experts will say you should not give the information at all.  According to them, you select a pattern when young, and use it as a planning tool.  It's never intended to be given to guests as a "Dear Santa" list.  Now, guests sometimes do politely inquire into the local Department Store as to your pattern and this is seen as acceptable snooping, but actually putting it on the invitation (or website or other way in which you put it forth) are seen as rude.  Better is to tell close family, and permit them to answer if asked.

(For the record, I too put it on the website.)

[CommonCents]

I think as with all etiquette (but especially wedding etiquette) issues, it varies regionally and/or depending on the circles you run in. out of the weddings I've been to (midwest, middle class) it actually seems to be pretty common to offer a bar with free beer and wine but cash liquor. I like that option, and I've never heard anyone comment that they thought it was inappropriate or crass. at my own future wedding I'll probably do either that or just open bar, beer and wine only, to be on the safe side. we like beer and wine the best anyway, and I think most of our friends/family would be happy with that :)

First, I'll note that common does not mean something correct!  I mentioned above many will choose to ignore this rule, and further that different cultures do vary so I can't speak to all of them, but in America/English, this is the traditional proper way. 

We opted to abide by it by providing all open bar.  (Btw, a limited open bar, as you suggest, with beer and wine or whatever you choose would be absolutely acceptably as well by traditional etiquette experts.  Again, the idea is not that you must make everything available but rather that what you do make available is not charged to your guests.)  I'll also add that it would be equally rude for guests to comment negatively on your hospitality and complain about it being inappropriate or crass to you or in public.

ETA: And it's not like you can't search the sites of the traditional culprits: Bed Bath and Beyond, Crate & Barrel, Macys, William Sonoma, Pottery Barn, Bloomingdale, even JcPenny, REI...  I've never personally been invited to a wedding that wasn't registered at at least one of those places.  There are also sites online that will find the registry for you.

That all said, I fear I've hijacked this thread so perhaps we ought to move to a new thread if folks continue to be curious about the topic? 

[tmac]

This registering thing is so ridiculous. "Please register to make it convenient for people to shop for you, but for god's sake, don't actually tell them where!" Our circle of friends and family is so widespread that people wouldn't have the first idea of who to ask, or how to contact them.

I think it's a civil disobedience situation. If the traditional etiquette flies in the face of logic, you have a duty to ignore it.

[Albert]

Ah, I believe the reasoning on this goes you should always host your own guests and provide them with what you can afford.  (In return, the guests should not complain if that is simple a glass of lemonade or punch rather than spirits.)  If you can afford champagne, that is no problem, but it is in poor taste to invite someone somewhere and then ask the guest to chip in.  You should not ask someone to attend a holiday party at your house and then charge them for their mug of eggnog, similarly you should not do it simply because you are out in public at a different venue.

This is cultural thing, where I come from asking guests to pay for drinks at a wedding would be rude and totally inappropriate. The only thing guests usually pay for is their own accommodation (except the closest relatives).

[warfreak2]

This is cultural thing, where I come from asking guests to pay for drinks at a wedding would be rude and totally inappropriate. The only thing guests usually pay for is their own accommodation (except the closest relatives).

Odd! At this wedding (with the cash bar), the happy couple did pay for our accommodation.