Author Topic: Overheard at Work 2  (Read 791610 times)

Imma

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3100 on: July 03, 2021, 09:43:11 AM »
Too many people are too poor to divorce.  If your wedding was inexpensive, then you're more likely to fall into this category.

Are you saying that poor people are more likely to have inexpensive weddings and in turn less likely to divorce for the same reason, being poor? That sounds odd to me, is there a study that indicates this?

I wasn't the one that suggested this, but I can give you the anecdotal evidence that I know more than a few couples too poor to divorce. They're all in the Babyboom generation, they generally own their family house outright, but in today's market selling the family house wouldn't buy back two small apartments. Plus in that generation many women don't work and/or earn as much as men do and have much less pension savings. They prefer a bad marriage over being destitute.

CupcakeGuru

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3101 on: July 04, 2021, 05:39:31 AM »
Too many people are too poor to divorce.  If your wedding was inexpensive, then you're more likely to fall into this category.

Are you saying that poor people are more likely to have inexpensive weddings and in turn less likely to divorce for the same reason, being poor? That sounds odd to me, is there a study that indicates this?


I wasn't the one that suggested this, but I can give you the anecdotal evidence that I know more than a few couples too poor to divorce. They're all in the Babyboom generation, they generally own their family house outright, but in today's market selling the family house wouldn't buy back two small apartments. Plus in that generation many women don't work and/or earn as much as men do and have much less pension savings. They prefer a bad marriage over being destitute.

I personally know 4 people right now who won't get a divorce due to money. Three of them are in their 50's and one is 75.

The saddest one was in her late 70's and asked her kids if she could move in them so she could leave their father. They refused and she died a year later.

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3102 on: July 04, 2021, 05:49:19 AM »
Too many people are too poor to divorce.  If your wedding was inexpensive, then you're more likely to fall into this category.

Are you saying that poor people are more likely to have inexpensive weddings and in turn less likely to divorce for the same reason, being poor? That sounds odd to me, is there a study that indicates this?


I wasn't the one that suggested this, but I can give you the anecdotal evidence that I know more than a few couples too poor to divorce. They're all in the Babyboom generation, they generally own their family house outright, but in today's market selling the family house wouldn't buy back two small apartments. Plus in that generation many women don't work and/or earn as much as men do and have much less pension savings. They prefer a bad marriage over being destitute.

I personally know 4 people right now who won't get a divorce due to money. Three of them are in their 50's and one is 75.

The saddest one was in her late 70's and asked her kids if she could move in them so she could leave their father. They refused and she died a year later.

I know an elderly couple in a similar position as well. Their only income is social security, and the poor wife is stuck in the relationship.

charis

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3103 on: July 04, 2021, 02:30:33 PM »
Too many people are too poor to divorce.  If your wedding was inexpensive, then you're more likely to fall into this category.

Are you saying that poor people are more likely to have inexpensive weddings and in turn less likely to divorce for the same reason, being poor? That sounds odd to me, is there a study that indicates this?


I wasn't the one that suggested this, but I can give you the anecdotal evidence that I know more than a few couples too poor to divorce. They're all in the Babyboom generation, they generally own their family house outright, but in today's market selling the family house wouldn't buy back two small apartments. Plus in that generation many women don't work and/or earn as much as men do and have much less pension savings. They prefer a bad marriage over being destitute.

I personally know 4 people right now who won't get a divorce due to money. Three of them are in their 50's and one is 75.

The saddest one was in her late 70's and asked her kids if she could move in them so she could leave their father. They refused and she died a year later.

I know an elderly couple in a similar position as well. Their only income is social security, and the poor wife is stuck in the relationship.

I agree that many couples cannot afford to divorce, I know some as well, but I'm unaware of any corresponding link to their "inexpensive" weddings. Other than boomers seemed to have had cheaper weddings on the whole. Less emphasis on full service dinner dancing events with open bar than is common today.

Imma

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3104 on: July 05, 2021, 06:28:08 AM »
Too many people are too poor to divorce.  If your wedding was inexpensive, then you're more likely to fall into this category.

Are you saying that poor people are more likely to have inexpensive weddings and in turn less likely to divorce for the same reason, being poor? That sounds odd to me, is there a study that indicates this?


I wasn't the one that suggested this, but I can give you the anecdotal evidence that I know more than a few couples too poor to divorce. They're all in the Babyboom generation, they generally own their family house outright, but in today's market selling the family house wouldn't buy back two small apartments. Plus in that generation many women don't work and/or earn as much as men do and have much less pension savings. They prefer a bad marriage over being destitute.

I personally know 4 people right now who won't get a divorce due to money. Three of them are in their 50's and one is 75.

The saddest one was in her late 70's and asked her kids if she could move in them so she could leave their father. They refused and she died a year later.

I know an elderly couple in a similar position as well. Their only income is social security, and the poor wife is stuck in the relationship.

I agree that many couples cannot afford to divorce, I know some as well, but I'm unaware of any corresponding link to their "inexpensive" weddings. Other than boomers seemed to have had cheaper weddings on the whole. Less emphasis on full service dinner dancing events with open bar than is common today.

I'm not sure if there's a link other than that people with low incomes generally have cheaper weddings.

Not sure if in the past weddings in my culture were much cheaper than these days. Open bar, dinner and dancing was always the norm in my culture. That's how my parents and grandparents held their weddings as well. But they did select a venue, a menu and an amount of guests that fitted their budget, in my grandparents' case that meant at home. I think weddings held at home are almost unheard of now. I'm sure they did save a ton of money on appearances. It seems everyone now has a hair and makeup artist at their wedding, brides get their nails done etc. In my parents' days people had no idea what a makeup artist even was, let alone that working class girls would hire one for their makeup. I know my mum just asked the friend with the best hair to do hers for her wedding. No one paid for extra decorations to a venue and my mum's bouquet was a gift from a friend who was a florist. And for dinner they just had a simple vegetable soup, meat, potatoes and vegetables. I guess there were less brides wanting to create an unique experience, they just went ahead with what everyone did.

These days couples still cut corners even at fancy weddings, they just have different priorities. In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together. Even (maybe especially) at fancypants weddings spouses are often not invited. The wedding we went to together was a laid-back affair and we both enjoyed it very much. Personally I would rather buy a less expensive dress/manicure/make-up artist than cut corners on the guest list, but I suppose that doesn't look as good on Instagram.

johndoe

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3105 on: July 05, 2021, 06:52:57 AM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

LaineyAZ

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3106 on: July 05, 2021, 06:58:18 AM »
Regarding the older couples who can't divorce due to finances:  I don't know why, but it's stuck in my head that maybe there could be a life-swap of some kind?
(yes, "life" not "wife")
That if 2 couples were so unhappy and wanted out, maybe one half of the couple's partners could switch residences with the other couple.  I'm thinking they would be happier living elsewhere with someone who happens to be in the same situation and the switch could solve both parties' problems in that at least they would be relieved of having to live with someone they really hate. 

It would be another level of the already existing roommate-matching services.  It just pains me to see older people stuck in this situation with no way out.

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3107 on: July 05, 2021, 07:39:49 AM »
I think it's also important to acknowledge that older couples often stick it out for reasons other than money. I'm sure younger couples do as well, but I've mainly only seen this aversion to divorce due to duty and moral reasons with my mother's generation and above (boomer's and silent generation). My mother's boyfriend (in his 70s) stayed with his wife until she passed away, even though he knew it was a bad match by the time their first child was born, simply because he fully internalized the lesson that marriage is forever and that men don't walk away from a marriage. I have an aunt who stayed married for similar reasons, although hers is more rooted in religion than in duty. Both of these examples had the money to walk away with all parties well taken care of.

charis

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3108 on: July 05, 2021, 08:16:13 AM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

Not sure about Imma, but in my area, traditionally the invitees are stated on the envelope, ie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith (both are invited) or the Smith family (the couple and their children are invited) or Mr. Smith (just Mr. Smith is invited).  The response card might also restate this for emphasis (Mr. Smith will/will not be attending).  I've never been to a wedding where both spouses were not invited, but the "plus 1" for unmarried guests was uncommon unless they were engaged or in a long term serious relationship.

SwordGuy

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3109 on: July 05, 2021, 09:25:10 AM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

I used to do long term contract work for a military unit.   When it came time for the summer picnic or winter holiday party,  each new unit commander would have a different policy about whether contractors could come to the party or not.   We contractors just took it in stride.  One year, contractors could come but not their spouses.    That pissed me off.

So I went to the unit commander's office and spoke to his secretary, whom I was on friendly terms with.   I mentioned the party invites and said, very curtly, "I do not go to the kind of parties my wife is not welcome at."

A few days later a "clarification" on the party was sent out and spouses could attend.

FU money and social capital are wonderful things.

Plina

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3110 on: July 05, 2021, 09:55:01 AM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

I used to do long term contract work for a military unit.   When it came time for the summer picnic or winter holiday party,  each new unit commander would have a different policy about whether contractors could come to the party or not.   We contractors just took it in stride.  One year, contractors could come but not their spouses.    That pissed me off.

So I went to the unit commander's office and spoke to his secretary, whom I was on friendly terms with.   I mentioned the party invites and said, very curtly, "I do not go to the kind of parties my wife is not welcome at."

A few days later a "clarification" on the party was sent out and spouses could attend.

FU money and social capital are wonderful things.

I have never been to a work party were the spouses have been invited. The only time I have heard of was when my fathers employer had a 100 year celebration but that was a special occasion. I can’t even fathom why somebody would like to go to their spouses office parties.

Imma

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3111 on: July 05, 2021, 11:28:48 AM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

Not sure about Imma, but in my area, traditionally the invitees are stated on the envelope, ie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith (both are invited) or the Smith family (the couple and their children are invited) or Mr. Smith (just Mr. Smith is invited).  The response card might also restate this for emphasis (Mr. Smith will/will not be attending).  I've never been to a wedding where both spouses were not invited, but the "plus 1" for unmarried guests was uncommon unless they were engaged or in a long term serious relationship.

Actually the most recent time this happened was last week. And indeed, it was addressed to "Mr Imma", so he texted his friend whether the invitation was meant for just him or for both of us, and his friend answered it was just for him, for budget reasons. We had honestly always thought the couple were well off, but they had to make a few choices that they themselves described as painful, so maybe there's a change of circumstances that we aren't aware of.

I have to say this is an old highschool/college friend, so someone he is close to but who is only a vague acquaintance for me. Most of the weddings where we didn't get a +1 were that type of weddings - coworkers or highschool/college friends who were really only friends with one half of the couple.

In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

I used to do long term contract work for a military unit.   When it came time for the summer picnic or winter holiday party,  each new unit commander would have a different policy about whether contractors could come to the party or not.   We contractors just took it in stride.  One year, contractors could come but not their spouses.    That pissed me off.

So I went to the unit commander's office and spoke to his secretary, whom I was on friendly terms with.   I mentioned the party invites and said, very curtly, "I do not go to the kind of parties my wife is not welcome at."

A few days later a "clarification" on the party was sent out and spouses could attend.

FU money and social capital are wonderful things.

I have never been to a work party were the spouses have been invited. The only time I have heard of was when my fathers employer had a 100 year celebration but that was a special occasion. I can’t even fathom why somebody would like to go to their spouses office parties.

I have also never worked somewhere where spouses were invited to office parties, but I think we are both Europeans and @SwordGuy is in the US so maybe it's common over there? I was very surprised to be invited to a big Christmas party at Mr Imma's workplace a few years ago but that's a very, very informal environment and I know all of his coworkers, because he's in hospitality and I go there as a customer sometimes. It was a lot of fun.

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3112 on: July 05, 2021, 11:44:39 AM »
I think most Americans would not attend a wedding if their spouse or long term partner were not invited. That seems very strange to me. My office always invites a plus one to the parties, but I think that is in part due to the bill of goods that the American workplace is trying to sell to the employee, that “We are a Family.” Or maybe that’s just my office.

The biggest fight I got into about my wedding was the rehearsal dinner. My in laws insisted on paying for it, and I insisted on including the spouses of the out of towners (3 extra people). They traveled hundreds of miles for their spouse to be in my wedding, I was not going to have them sitting in a hotel eating dinner alone. MIL argued this was too expensive. I argued that I would pay for it and hold it at a local pizza parlor, inclusiveness being more important to me than optics. She was horrified that people might think that a pizza dinner was her being cheap (In laws traditionally pay for the rehearsal dinner - not that I gave a hoot about tradition or her paying for it), and ended up relenting and just covering the spouses at the restaurant of her choice. If I had a do over, I would have done things very differently with her from day one. We have magnificent boundaries now!

Botany Bae

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3113 on: July 05, 2021, 02:05:28 PM »
In my experience (US) there are office parties and work parties. Office parties are typically held onsite and they are  more casual and only for work colleagues and maybe a vendor or two. You'd never bring a +1 to an office party. Work parties are typically held off-site, may be a bit formal, and include +1 or even full family invites (such as the company picnics I was dragged to as a child). I've been to office holiday parties that were held in a decorated break room or at a table in a restaurant, and I've work holiday parties where we all dressed up, brought a date, and hung out at a catered ballroom at the local HoJo.

ExShredder89

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3114 on: July 05, 2021, 02:22:24 PM »
In my experience (US) there are office parties and work parties. Office parties are typically held onsite and they are  more casual and only for work colleagues and maybe a vendor or two. You'd never bring a +1 to an office party. Work parties are typically held off-site, may be a bit formal, and include +1 or even full family invites (such as the company picnics I was dragged to as a child). I've been to office holiday parties that were held in a decorated break room or at a table in a restaurant, and I've work holiday parties where we all dressed up, brought a date, and hung out at a catered ballroom at the local HoJo.

This is my experience too. The "a couple beers with coworkers, because why not?" type parties are usually just for one team or geographical office, and they don't really have the concept of +1s (though if someone's SO works nearby, it wouldn't be a big deal if they popped in for a drink). Then there's the anniversary or winter holiday type party, which is a SOs invited affair.

I like it at my current job, because the workforce is a little older and more diverse than the bro-y startups I've worked at in the past, so I'm friendly with a lot of my colleagues outside of a work context. That makes they're simultaneously more relaxed and more enjoyable affairs where it's just having a couple of drinks with coworkers and their SOs.

Imma

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3115 on: July 05, 2021, 02:39:27 PM »
I guess every thing I've ever been invited to at work was an office party then, and not a work party. In most workplaces they are during or right after work hours (like 3 to 7 or something) and it's often either at work or you travel with your coworkers to the party location and back to the office, where everyone goes their seperate ways. None of the parties I've been to required dressing up, we all just wear our regular office clothes.

OtherJen

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3116 on: July 05, 2021, 03:45:28 PM »
In my experience (US) there are office parties and work parties. Office parties are typically held onsite and they are  more casual and only for work colleagues and maybe a vendor or two. You'd never bring a +1 to an office party. Work parties are typically held off-site, may be a bit formal, and include +1 or even full family invites (such as the company picnics I was dragged to as a child). I've been to office holiday parties that were held in a decorated break room or at a table in a restaurant, and I've work holiday parties where we all dressed up, brought a date, and hung out at a catered ballroom at the local HoJo.

Yep, this. Husband's former employer (biotech) used to throw big, flashy holiday parties, and spouses/partners were always invited. My grad department also threw big holiday parties, and families were invited. In other departments, each lab group did its own holiday thing, and those were usually just long lunches or dinners right after work, so just the employees attended.

I don't think I've ever been invited to a wedding without also receiving an invitation for my husband. It just isn't done. In my family/cultural background, you invite both or neither (i.e., it's better to have a smaller wedding than to invite only certain members of a family/friend tier). If the budget were tight, it would be considered far, far less offensive (not at all offensive, actually) to have a small wedding with only immediate family and close friends than to have a larger wedding but only invite some first cousins but not others, friends without their partners, etc.

Imma

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3117 on: July 05, 2021, 04:15:36 PM »
Personally I would also prefer to not split up couples. I would rather have a less impressive venue or a simpler menu than not inviting partners or not serving a meal and have an open bar.

I think this is a social shift that happened in my generation, because the first few weddings I was invited to I still lived at home and my parents were shocked there was a) no reception and b) no +1. In my country the reception after the wedding was a public event where people not invited to the evening party could congratulate the couple and their parents. My parents had wanted to go to congratulate my highschool friend but couldn't because there was no reception. I don't think any wedding I've been to had a reception.

In my generation socializing without your partner has become the norm. My parents and all their friends and spouses met in highschool and did everything together. In my generation most people have seperate college friends, work friends, sports team friends... I only know a handful of their partners very well. Mr Imma's friend that didn't invite me, I hardly know him and would not recognize him in a crowd. Neither of us have met the bride. So it doesn't feel very weird. It would be weird if it was a couple we both know well and hang out with together and they would still only invite one of us.

Plina

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3118 on: July 05, 2021, 09:45:54 PM »
In my experience (US) there are office parties and work parties. Office parties are typically held onsite and they are  more casual and only for work colleagues and maybe a vendor or two. You'd never bring a +1 to an office party. Work parties are typically held off-site, may be a bit formal, and include +1 or even full family invites (such as the company picnics I was dragged to as a child). I've been to office holiday parties that were held in a decorated break room or at a table in a restaurant, and I've work holiday parties where we all dressed up, brought a date, and hung out at a catered ballroom at the local HoJo.

The christmas party have been what you would call a work party but it has never been a +1 event.

I think most Americans would not attend a wedding if their spouse or long term partner were not invited. That seems very strange to me. My office always invites a plus one to the parties, but I think that is in part due to the bill of goods that the American workplace is trying to sell to the employee, that “We are a Family.” Or maybe that’s just my office.


I find the ”we are a family” concept a bit funny as it seems you can be fired pretty easily. We are family as long as I please you...

talltexan

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3119 on: July 13, 2021, 08:45:54 AM »
I think even having a wedding is based on other conditions in the life. It will be interesting to see how the one year gap caused by this pandemic affects what people expect from their friends for wedding attendance (and attendants).

dragoncar

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3120 on: July 14, 2021, 12:28:19 AM »

I find the ”we are a family” concept a bit funny as it seems you can be fired pretty easily. We are family as long as I please you...

The old olive garden slogan always got me like that.  "When you're here, you're family!  As long as you pay your f'in bill because if not you're dead to us."

ixtap

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3121 on: July 14, 2021, 04:35:03 AM »

I find the ”we are a family” concept a bit funny as it seems you can be fired pretty easily. We are family as long as I please you...

The old olive garden slogan always got me like that.  "When you're here, you're family!  As long as you pay your f'in bill because if not you're dead to us."

I figure if a company is talking about family, it is going to be like the side of my family we don't talk to, not the side we love to hang out with.

Plina

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3122 on: July 14, 2021, 06:47:13 AM »

I find the ”we are a family” concept a bit funny as it seems you can be fired pretty easily. We are family as long as I please you...

The old olive garden slogan always got me like that.  "When you're here, you're family!  As long as you pay your f'in bill because if not you're dead to us."

I figure if a company is talking about family, it is going to be like the side of my family we don't talk to, not the side we love to hang out with.

Like the pain in the ass relative that you tolerate a couple of times per year because they are family.

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3123 on: July 15, 2021, 10:06:56 AM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

We got married just a few months ago and it wasn't really a question of phrasing it delicately.  I just baldly stated on the invitation to "please leave unmarried significant others at home."  We were limited to a specific number of people by the venue, and I didn't feel that my 15 and 17 year old nieces needed to bring their high school boyfriends. 

As it turned out, there were only 2 unmarried adult couples, and they brought their SOs anyway.  I don't know if they didn't see the comment on the invite, or just chose to ignore it.

charis

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3124 on: July 15, 2021, 10:57:42 AM »
It's hard to draw the line, but I'm sure are some domestic partnerships that are quite "serious" without being legally married. I felt snubbed when I wasn't invited to my spouse's cousin's wedding with him when we had been dating for almost 7 years, living together at the time, and spent holidays with that part of the family.  It's not really here nor there, but the couple divorced about 5 years later.

Imma

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3125 on: July 15, 2021, 11:08:41 AM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

We got married just a few months ago and it wasn't really a question of phrasing it delicately.  I just baldly stated on the invitation to "please leave unmarried significant others at home."  We were limited to a specific number of people by the venue, and I didn't feel that my 15 and 17 year old nieces needed to bring their high school boyfriends. 

As it turned out, there were only 2 unmarried adult couples, and they brought their SOs anyway.  I don't know if they didn't see the comment on the invite, or just chose to ignore it.

How did you feel about that? I wouldn't mind not going to a wedding if SO's in general weren't invited but I would be very pissed off if I wasn't invited because we are civil partners rather than spouses. I totally understand not wanting to include teenage boyfriends but I would feel insulted if someone considered my relationship less real because we didn't do a church thing. Especially since Mr Imma and I have been together for much longer than most couples whose weddings I've attended.

RainyDay

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3126 on: July 15, 2021, 11:46:50 AM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

We got married just a few months ago and it wasn't really a question of phrasing it delicately.  I just baldly stated on the invitation to "please leave unmarried significant others at home."  We were limited to a specific number of people by the venue, and I didn't feel that my 15 and 17 year old nieces needed to bring their high school boyfriends. 

As it turned out, there were only 2 unmarried adult couples, and they brought their SOs anyway.  I don't know if they didn't see the comment on the invite, or just chose to ignore it.

How did you feel about that? I wouldn't mind not going to a wedding if SO's in general weren't invited but I would be very pissed off if I wasn't invited because we are civil partners rather than spouses. I totally understand not wanting to include teenage boyfriends but I would feel insulted if someone considered my relationship less real because we didn't do a church thing. Especially since Mr Imma and I have been together for much longer than most couples whose weddings I've attended.

Oh, I didn't mind at all that (adult) SOs showed up.  Honestly, I was only thinking of the teenagers when I put the invite together and had forgotten some of our friends weren't married.  So it all worked out just fine. 

Sugaree

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3127 on: July 15, 2021, 12:09:34 PM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

We got married just a few months ago and it wasn't really a question of phrasing it delicately.  I just baldly stated on the invitation to "please leave unmarried significant others at home."  We were limited to a specific number of people by the venue, and I didn't feel that my 15 and 17 year old nieces needed to bring their high school boyfriends. 

As it turned out, there were only 2 unmarried adult couples, and they brought their SOs anyway.  I don't know if they didn't see the comment on the invite, or just chose to ignore it.

I had one family RSVP with 9 when I'd only invited 5...

Sandi_k

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3128 on: July 15, 2021, 10:05:00 PM »
In my social circle, +1's have become almost unheard of. Mr Imma and I have so far only been to one wedding together.
I'm curious how they convey this...is it delicately mentioned on the invitation?  I've seen the "this event is for adults" (translation: leave your kids at home) but not this.

We got married just a few months ago and it wasn't really a question of phrasing it delicately.  I just baldly stated on the invitation to "please leave unmarried significant others at home."  We were limited to a specific number of people by the venue, and I didn't feel that my 15 and 17 year old nieces needed to bring their high school boyfriends. 

As it turned out, there were only 2 unmarried adult couples, and they brought their SOs anyway.  I don't know if they didn't see the comment on the invite, or just chose to ignore it.

How did you feel about that? I wouldn't mind not going to a wedding if SO's in general weren't invited but I would be very pissed off if I wasn't invited because we are civil partners rather than spouses. I totally understand not wanting to include teenage boyfriends but I would feel insulted if someone considered my relationship less real because we didn't do a church thing. Especially since Mr Imma and I have been together for much longer than most couples whose weddings I've attended.

The Miss Manners' answer is very clear - if they are co-habiting, you treat them as married, and invite them both; the invitation is addressed to both, at the same address. If not co-habiting, you make a choice. Venue limits is a great reason to make that choice.

We had heard horror stories about people bringing casual dates to receptions, so our RSVP card was very clear:

____. Yes, _(name)_____ will be attending. Total number attending: _____


_____, No, ___(name)___ will not be attending.

I had one cousin who was invited as a singleton, and she replied with *2* attending. So I called her, and told her that the invitation was only for one. She chose to revoke her attendance, even though her mother, sister, brother, SIL, uncle and niece were all attending.

We were OK with that choice.

dragoncar

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3129 on: July 16, 2021, 12:09:09 AM »

The Miss Manners' answer is very clear - if they are co-habiting, you treat them as married, and invite them both; the invitation is addressed to both, at the same address. If not co-habiting, you make a choice. Venue limits is a great reason to make that choice.

We had heard horror stories about people bringing casual dates to receptions, so our RSVP card was very clear:

____. Yes, _(name)_____ will be attending. Total number attending: _____


_____, No, ___(name)___ will not be attending.

I had one cousin who was invited as a singleton, and she replied with *2* attending. So I called her, and told her that the invitation was only for one. She chose to revoke her attendance, even though her mother, sister, brother, SIL, uncle and niece were all attending.

We were OK with that choice.

If you're trying to be clear, shouldn't you pre-fill the form?

Total number attending: _1___

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3130 on: July 16, 2021, 01:56:00 AM »
My husband’s brother brought his girlfriend-at-the-time to our wedding. I had never met her before the wedding day. I don’t know her name. They broke up shortly after. So now we have a random stranger in most of our “family” wedding pictures. 😂

It doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not like I spend a significant amount of time looking through my wedding pics every day.

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3131 on: July 16, 2021, 07:45:44 AM »
My husband’s brother brought his girlfriend-at-the-time to our wedding. I had never met her before the wedding day. I don’t know her name. They broke up shortly after. So now we have a random stranger in most of our “family” wedding pictures. 😂

It doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not like I spend a significant amount of time looking through my wedding pics every day.

I got married January 12th.  My brother brought the girl he picked up at the bar on New Year's Eve as his date.  She hit on the officiant all night.  They did not see each other afterwards.  So now my wedding pictures have this rando in them too.  But I'm like you and don't look at them all that often.

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3132 on: July 16, 2021, 07:52:38 AM »
We used an online RSVP platform that we uploaded the guest list to. Guests would search their name and everyone on that invitation would appear on screen and they could select attending or regrets. This was really nice for making it extra clear who was invited and who wasn't.

Almost all of our friends and family were in long term relationships at the time, so they were invited as couples. And the few that weren't got +1 since it added so few to the guest count.

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3133 on: July 16, 2021, 03:05:22 PM »
My husband’s brother brought his girlfriend-at-the-time to our wedding. I had never met her before the wedding day. I don’t know her name. They broke up shortly after. So now we have a random stranger in most of our “family” wedding pictures. 😂

It doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not like I spend a significant amount of time looking through my wedding pics every day.

I got married January 12th.  My brother brought the girl he picked up at the bar on New Year's Eve as his date.  She hit on the officiant all night.  They did not see each other afterwards.  So now my wedding pictures have this rando in them too.  But I'm like you and don't look at them all that often.

I not only have two random dates (BiL date, mom date neither were around for more than two months before or after the wedding) in my wedding pictures, but also one family picture with a random child that literally none of us know and don't know where he came from. I can only assume he had something to do with a staff member at the venue and with all the moving around the photog grabbed him and stuck him in hinking he belonged since it was just family around.

We still laugh about that one. It's totally one of my favorite pictures from the day.

Sandi_k

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3134 on: July 16, 2021, 03:16:37 PM »

The Miss Manners' answer is very clear - if they are co-habiting, you treat them as married, and invite them both; the invitation is addressed to both, at the same address. If not co-habiting, you make a choice. Venue limits is a great reason to make that choice.

We had heard horror stories about people bringing casual dates to receptions, so our RSVP card was very clear:

____. Yes, _(name)_____ will be attending. Total number attending: _____


_____, No, ___(name)___ will not be attending.

I had one cousin who was invited as a singleton, and she replied with *2* attending. So I called her, and told her that the invitation was only for one. She chose to revoke her attendance, even though her mother, sister, brother, SIL, uncle and niece were all attending.

We were OK with that choice.

If you're trying to be clear, shouldn't you pre-fill the form?

Total number attending: _1___

Nope. We had some families where only some could make it, so we invited 4, and 2 attended.

SwordGuy

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3135 on: July 16, 2021, 06:45:46 PM »

The Miss Manners' answer is very clear - if they are co-habiting, you treat them as married, and invite them both; the invitation is addressed to both, at the same address. If not co-habiting, you make a choice. Venue limits is a great reason to make that choice.

We had heard horror stories about people bringing casual dates to receptions, so our RSVP card was very clear:

____. Yes, _(name)_____ will be attending. Total number attending: _____


_____, No, ___(name)___ will not be attending.

I had one cousin who was invited as a singleton, and she replied with *2* attending. So I called her, and told her that the invitation was only for one. She chose to revoke her attendance, even though her mother, sister, brother, SIL, uncle and niece were all attending.

We were OK with that choice.

If you're trying to be clear, shouldn't you pre-fill the form?

Total number attending: _1___

Nope. We had some families where only some could make it, so we invited 4, and 2 attended.

Then you don't fill those invitations in with the answer...

Sandi_k

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3136 on: July 16, 2021, 07:19:47 PM »

The Miss Manners' answer is very clear - if they are co-habiting, you treat them as married, and invite them both; the invitation is addressed to both, at the same address. If not co-habiting, you make a choice. Venue limits is a great reason to make that choice.

We had heard horror stories about people bringing casual dates to receptions, so our RSVP card was very clear:

____. Yes, _(name)_____ will be attending. Total number attending: _____


_____, No, ___(name)___ will not be attending.

I had one cousin who was invited as a singleton, and she replied with *2* attending. So I called her, and told her that the invitation was only for one. She chose to revoke her attendance, even though her mother, sister, brother, SIL, uncle and niece were all attending.

We were OK with that choice.

If you're trying to be clear, shouldn't you pre-fill the form?

Total number attending: _1___

Nope. We had some families where only some could make it, so we invited 4, and 2 attended.

Then you don't fill those invitations in with the answer...

I don't know what you're talking about.

We didn't know how many were coming, and I wasn't about to call 100+ families to pre-fill the info. That's what the RSVP is for.

It worked perfectly - it flagged the one person who tried to add a +1 when one was not invited, and it allowed everyone else to reply with the family and friends who did plan to attend.

dragoncar

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3137 on: July 17, 2021, 12:02:35 AM »
My husband’s brother brought his girlfriend-at-the-time to our wedding. I had never met her before the wedding day. I don’t know her name. They broke up shortly after. So now we have a random stranger in most of our “family” wedding pictures. 😂

It doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not like I spend a significant amount of time looking through my wedding pics every day.

I got married January 12th.  My brother brought the girl he picked up at the bar on New Year's Eve as his date.  She hit on the officiant all night.  They did not see each other afterwards.  So now my wedding pictures have this rando in them too.  But I'm like you and don't look at them all that often.

I not only have two random dates (BiL date, mom date neither were around for more than two months before or after the wedding) in my wedding pictures, but also one family picture with a random child that literally none of us know and don't know where he came from. I can only assume he had something to do with a staff member at the venue and with all the moving around the photog grabbed him and stuck him in hinking he belonged since it was just family around.

We still laugh about that one. It's totally one of my favorite pictures from the day.

I know that child.  He died 100 years ago.  He’s always been the caretaker of that hotel

PDXTabs

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3138 on: July 17, 2021, 12:37:48 AM »
My husband’s brother brought his girlfriend-at-the-time to our wedding. I had never met her before the wedding day. I don’t know her name. They broke up shortly after. So now we have a random stranger in most of our “family” wedding pictures. 😂

It doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not like I spend a significant amount of time looking through my wedding pics every day.

I got married January 12th.  My brother brought the girl he picked up at the bar on New Year's Eve as his date.  She hit on the officiant all night.  They did not see each other afterwards.  So now my wedding pictures have this rando in them too.  But I'm like you and don't look at them all that often.

Have you watched Lovesick? You should. Everyone in this thread should. The episode with the wedding is the season premiere.

LennStar

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3139 on: July 17, 2021, 12:54:08 AM »
My husband’s brother brought his girlfriend-at-the-time to our wedding. I had never met her before the wedding day. I don’t know her name. They broke up shortly after. So now we have a random stranger in most of our “family” wedding pictures. 😂

It doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not like I spend a significant amount of time looking through my wedding pics every day.

I got married January 12th.  My brother brought the girl he picked up at the bar on New Year's Eve as his date.  She hit on the officiant all night.  They did not see each other afterwards.  So now my wedding pictures have this rando in them too.  But I'm like you and don't look at them all that often.

I not only have two random dates (BiL date, mom date neither were around for more than two months before or after the wedding) in my wedding pictures, but also one family picture with a random child that literally none of us know and don't know where he came from. I can only assume he had something to do with a staff member at the venue and with all the moving around the photog grabbed him and stuck him in hinking he belonged since it was just family around.

We still laugh about that one. It's totally one of my favorite pictures from the day.

I know that child.  He died 100 years ago.  He’s always been the caretaker of that hotel
Maybe it was a Zashiki Warashi? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zashiki-warashi
That would mean a lot of good luck when it's even on the photos!

prudent_one

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3140 on: August 09, 2021, 05:09:24 PM »
*sigh* Our lovely admin-type person stopped by my office and we discussed weekend events.  Her daughter is getting married next year, and so they're working on the arrangements.  The venues in our area are apparently charging $10,000 just for the room.  No tables, no linens, etc.  Caterers are quoting $40-50/head for food, and they're planning on 120-150 guests.  So they're looking at neighboring states (minimum drive: 90 minutes to the state border) for cheaper options.

Dang, I'm in the wrong line of work.

I won't be surprised if in the near future there is an AirBNB type operation for wedding receptions.  For the food, most people I know who are not spendypants get a caterer from just outside the county and save about 40%.

Sugaree

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3141 on: August 10, 2021, 04:41:21 AM »
*sigh* Our lovely admin-type person stopped by my office and we discussed weekend events.  Her daughter is getting married next year, and so they're working on the arrangements.  The venues in our area are apparently charging $10,000 just for the room.  No tables, no linens, etc.  Caterers are quoting $40-50/head for food, and they're planning on 120-150 guests.  So they're looking at neighboring states (minimum drive: 90 minutes to the state border) for cheaper options.

Dang, I'm in the wrong line of work.

I won't be surprised if in the near future there is an AirBNB type operation for wedding receptions.  For the food, most people I know who are not spendypants get a caterer from just outside the county and save about 40%.

I worked for a caterer for awhile, so I've got a few tips.  For food, you can do a buffet without it feeling like a buffet.  Have them set up food stations of heavy hors d'oeuvres, but instead of setting it up in a line, scatter the stations around the reception area.  It encourages people to walk around and see what's available and socialize.  You can also lowball the headcount by a few people and are likely to still have enough food.

Look for non-traditional venues.  Musuems, state parks, etc.  When I got married, we rented out a lodge for the weekend (granted, I had closer to 50 people than 150).  I bought my table linens and resold them within 3 days after the wedding.  I ordered wholesale flowers and put together simple bouquets and boutonnieres together myself the day before and then used the bouquets as table decorations (again, I didn't have a whole lot of tables to do). 

I also made my own veil.  It was literally $8 worth of materials. 

Inaya

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3142 on: August 10, 2021, 05:20:06 AM »
My husband’s brother brought his girlfriend-at-the-time to our wedding. I had never met her before the wedding day. I don’t know her name. They broke up shortly after. So now we have a random stranger in most of our “family” wedding pictures. 😂

It doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not like I spend a significant amount of time looking through my wedding pics every day.

I got married January 12th.  My brother brought the girl he picked up at the bar on New Year's Eve as his date.  She hit on the officiant all night.  They did not see each other afterwards.  So now my wedding pictures have this rando in them too.  But I'm like you and don't look at them all that often.

I not only have two random dates (BiL date, mom date neither were around for more than two months before or after the wedding) in my wedding pictures, but also one family picture with a random child that literally none of us know and don't know where he came from. I can only assume he had something to do with a staff member at the venue and with all the moving around the photog grabbed him and stuck him in hinking he belonged since it was just family around.

We still laugh about that one. It's totally one of my favorite pictures from the day.


I'd rather have randos in my photos than my husband's (now estranged) father. The man didn't want to be there, and is scowling in every photo he's in.

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3143 on: August 10, 2021, 07:34:50 AM »
We had a Chinese wedding banquet at a Chinese restaurant. No dancing or music, which I don’t like anyway, 10-course meal for 100 people, we supplied our own alcohol (no corking fee), snd the whole thing was something like $5k. Everyone had a great time, good food, minimal planning on our part aside from choosing the menu. It feels crazy to hear about what people spend on western style wedding receptions.

jinga nation

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3144 on: August 13, 2021, 05:25:48 AM »
Reading another thread (https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/do-any-of-your-parents-hoard-and-try-to-give-you-crap-and-other-dumb-stuff/), realized I have something to contribute here.

High-level gov guy, who's worked with my boss for years, pays $300/month (yes, MONTH, heard that word several times in the conversation) for a storage locker for his wife to store junk stuff. He meant it, stuff like an old washer and dryer, their daughter's old sports equipment, which the grown-up daughter doesn't want, and other junk. Just listening to him made my mind go haywire, I was flabbergasted.

I could only think of what George Carlin said about "Stuff": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac

LennStar

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3145 on: August 13, 2021, 08:03:39 AM »
Reading another thread (https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/do-any-of-your-parents-hoard-and-try-to-give-you-crap-and-other-dumb-stuff/), realized I have something to contribute here.

High-level gov guy, who's worked with my boss for years, pays $300/month (yes, MONTH, heard that word several times in the conversation) for a storage locker for his wife to store junk stuff. He meant it, stuff like an old washer and dryer, their daughter's old sports equipment, which the grown-up daughter doesn't want, and other junk. Just listening to him made my mind go haywire, I was flabbergasted.

I could only think of what George Carlin said about "Stuff": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac
You know, I have wondered a lot of times now why I am so often wrong on what new thing people will use and what not.
The result of my analysis was that the stupider something seems to me, the bigger hit it will be.

Looks like that also works for old stuff, especially with stuff ;)

Sugaree

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3146 on: August 16, 2021, 09:18:47 AM »
Am I the only one who works in an office where discussion of the best new TV prices take place at least monthly? 

SwordGuy

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3147 on: August 16, 2021, 07:15:00 PM »

You know, I have wondered a lot of times now why I am so often wrong on what new thing people will use and what not.
The result of my analysis was that the stupider something seems to me, the bigger hit it will be.

Ah, a kindred spirit!

We both have a highly valuable talent but capitalism has failed to make efficient use of our expertise.  Think how much money could be saved on failed product launches if they canceled products we thought were stupid and useless!

Michael in ABQ

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3148 on: August 17, 2021, 08:40:18 AM »
High-level gov guy, who's worked with my boss for years, pays $300/month (yes, MONTH, heard that word several times in the conversation) for a storage locker for his wife to store junk stuff. He meant it, stuff like an old washer and dryer, their daughter's old sports equipment, which the grown-up daughter doesn't want, and other junk. Just listening to him made my mind go haywire, I was flabbergasted.

I used to be a commercial real estate appraiser and did multiple self-storage properties. I usually wouldn't see inside occupied units but in talking to the owners and managers it was clear that most people literally just stored junk in them. Basically whatever wouldn't fit into someone's closet/garage/attic/basement. So are you going to put your best stuff that you may use someday in your home or in a storage unit? It's not surprising how many people would just stop paying the bill and let the stuff get sold at auction. I would also see people that had units for multiple years, or multiple storage units. In one case the manager said an older couple had an adult child die and they rented three large storage units to put all his stuff in (paying hundreds of dollars per month) because they couldn't bring themselves to get rid of it.

MilStachian

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Re: Overheard at Work 2
« Reply #3149 on: August 17, 2021, 01:53:30 PM »
"The sailboat is a more reasonable option. I can get the 52' for only $1.2M. It's really not bad, even the upkeep is cheaper, something like $100k a year all-in on maintenance and dock fees."

"My 2020 BMW M340xi is certainly fast, but I've been pricing out that new M3. Would be a big step up."