Author Topic: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned  (Read 4486 times)

A Fella from Stella

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Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« on: July 10, 2019, 10:00:53 AM »
Reading over the Family Member Fails, I thought of one of my own.

A cousin of mine is a sophomore at a 3rd tier college playing soccer and studying business. After some discussion over Christmas break it's obvious he's studying business for the money (can you believe it!?!?) so I tell him that it would be crucial to try and get an internship over the summer at a big bank or hedge fund.

Wanting to show off to family members, I tell him I can help if he's interested. He is.

Now, I have ONE favor I can exercise in this arena, and only one, from a guy whose marriage I may have saved.

March comes. I reach out to my cousin. "Hey, are you still interested?" He is.

I reach out to the guy, who says.....

"We only give internships to Columbia Business School students. However, put me in touch, and I'll personally handle it."

I email my cousin. No reply. I follow up with an email and text. Nothing. I message his dad, and then him again.

Finally, I call a rich uncle who makes my cousin reply. He says.....

"I really need to make money over the summer, so I think I'll just wait tables."

"Do both," I tell him. "You said you wanted me to do this for you. And this opportunity will never come again."

"I have a soccer tournament, too," he said.

He's a D-3 player who gets 10 minutes a game. If anything, he should be in camps, not tournaments.

Having 2 other cousins studying business, I presented it to their father. He said, "Jack is at Merrill Lynch this Summer and Joe is at JP Morgan." I'm like, what the fuck? I never even knew that anyone I knew had these connections. But, apparently, they save them for their sons.

I went back to the guy who now used to owe me a favor. Obviously, he took it well.

LESSON LEARNED: I finally learned why so many people are so stingy with what they can do for others, because if I had to do it over again, I'd save this for my own kids.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2019, 10:06:40 AM by A Fella from Stella »

DeniseNJ

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2019, 12:12:19 PM »
Wouldn't even know where to start with all the mistakes I've made with money!  It makes me sick just thinking about it.  But I was just talking about one this morning.

My 19 yr old boy and 16 yr old daughter have had iphones, nintendo DS', ipods, laptops, all things since they were younger.  We were good little Amareican consumers.  We were broke when they were little but as they got older and we made more dough, well, the more we made, the more we spent.  Then I found MMM.

Recently he wet his iphone trying to clean the screen (yes, really).  He's super hard on things and has had numerous iphones, laptops, etc.  This particular phone has had the screen replaced at least once, maybe twice.  I lost it!  I said no way am I spending another $700 on a new phone for you.  He said, "I had no idea they were that expensive." (!!!!)  I said, "That's bc you didn't pay for it!"

I bought him a Moto G 3rd generation online for 100 bucks--they only sell the 6th and 7th gen now.  He was lucky to get it bc it's still better than mine.  I've had the first gen moto g for over 7 years, not a scratch on it.  Lesson learned for us both.  So many lessons learned really.

six-car-habit

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2019, 12:16:10 PM »
I'd say that favor owed is probably still useable, for you in the future. Your friend with the connections may have made an initial inquiry, but he wasn't able to follow thru since your cousin wanted to watch soccer instead. He may have pulled A string, but not All the strings...
  Apologize to the friend with connections, you misjudged your cousins commitment, it happens.

EricEng

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2019, 12:33:30 PM »
Had a similar experience with a friend.  They wanted a job in a new field bad and were excited when I said I knew an opportunity.  I helped them with their resume, found a position, spoke with the team lead and manager who were pumped to talk with them.  All my friend had to do was officially submit for the position...and radio silence ensued.  After months I finally got a response they had gone with a different worse option in a location they hated.  I was pretty annoyed after sticking my head out talking them up to people.  A simple "not interested" early on would have been far more polite.

jinga nation

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2019, 12:53:19 PM »
I tend not to use my friends to help a family member or relative.
too often the family member screws up and then it's egg on my face, with flour, tar and feathers.

i saw my dad get himself into such situations, he's too damn nice and willing to help. but seeing him get burned and insulted, etc. made me be more "selfish".

I value many of my friends more than a lot of relatives outside my immediate family. My friends have become my second family, we tend to be there for each other, good days and bad.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2019, 02:50:41 PM »
Wouldn't even know where to start with all the mistakes I've made with money!  It makes me sick just thinking about it.  But I was just talking about one this morning.

My 19 yr old boy and 16 yr old daughter have had iphones, nintendo DS', ipods, laptops, all things since they were younger.  We were good little Amareican consumers.  We were broke when they were little but as they got older and we made more dough, well, the more we made, the more we spent.  Then I found MMM.

Recently he wet his iphone trying to clean the screen (yes, really).  He's super hard on things and has had numerous iphones, laptops, etc.  This particular phone has had the screen replaced at least once, maybe twice.  I lost it!  I said no way am I spending another $700 on a new phone for you.  He said, "I had no idea they were that expensive." (!!!!)  I said, "That's bc you didn't pay for it!"

I bought him a Moto G 3rd generation online for 100 bucks--they only sell the 6th and 7th gen now.  He was lucky to get it bc it's still better than mine.  I've had the first gen moto g for over 7 years, not a scratch on it.  Lesson learned for us both.  So many lessons learned really.

A great move in the right direction. And good on you for keeping your phone so long. We have 4 Smart phones in the house. I've told the kids to enjoy them for now because we're going to flip phones when these break. They seem okay with it.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2019, 02:51:36 PM »
Had a similar experience with a friend.  They wanted a job in a new field bad and were excited when I said I knew an opportunity.  I helped them with their resume, found a position, spoke with the team lead and manager who were pumped to talk with them.  All my friend had to do was officially submit for the position...and radio silence ensued.  After months I finally got a response they had gone with a different worse option in a location they hated.  I was pretty annoyed after sticking my head out talking them up to people.  A simple "not interested" early on would have been far more polite.

Hopefully you told your work connections that he "was the one that got away," but maybe next time.

You can't help people more than they'll help themselves.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2019, 02:55:39 PM »
................. since your cousin wanted to watch soccer instead..................

This had me laughing. I saw my cousin last week and he said he quit because the new coach was bad.

I didn't have the heart to say "you didn't quit soccer. Soccer quit you."

All those years my aunt and uncle paid thousands of dollars for travel teams, etc. My dad used to say "stop paying all this money," but uncle said 'he can get a scholarship.' My dad would try and explain that if you don't spend $10k every year, that's the tuition money, guaranteed.

I'm recalling seeing my cousin at his HS grad party, drinking beers. I try not to judge, but I was a Division I scholarship athlete, and I'm also a parent. My kids don't have access to alcohol in my home, and I never touched the stuff when I was in-season, which was always.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2019, 02:56:07 PM »
I tend not to use my friends to help a family member or relative.
too often the family member screws up and then it's egg on my face, with flour, tar and feathers.

i saw my dad get himself into such situations, he's too damn nice and willing to help. but seeing him get burned and insulted, etc. made me be more "selfish".

I value many of my friends more than a lot of relatives outside my immediate family. My friends have become my second family, we tend to be there for each other, good days and bad.

Friends have to earn it, that's why we end up treasuring them.

Just Joe

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2019, 04:09:11 PM »
I have a friend who wants to move back to town. He dislikes his current city of residence and his commute. I told him that there would be a position opening up soon-ish that would be perfect. A coworker was leaving soon but exactly when I didn't know, no public announcement at that time. Friend wanting a new job wanted all the details and thought it would be perfect for him.

I told him, watch the HR webpage at such and such web address. I didn't know when it would get posted but I told him it would be soon. The listing would run for two weeks or so.

He sent a message over the weekend after the coworker had worked his final day and a new candidate had been picked - "be sure to tell me when that position starts accepting applicants..."

What??? I told him to watch the HR page immediately. I know for certain it wasn't advertised when we talked about it b/c the previous occupant of the position had not publicly announced his departure.

To ME that says check daily or bi-weekly. At least weekly. I hate it that he won't get the position but I'm kind of glad I don't need to recommend him.

Anyhow the new person sounds great.

DaMa

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2019, 08:37:52 AM »
................. since your cousin wanted to watch soccer instead..................

This had me laughing. I saw my cousin last week and he said he quit because the new coach was bad.

I didn't have the heart to say "you didn't quit soccer. Soccer quit you."

All those years my aunt and uncle paid thousands of dollars for travel teams, etc. My dad used to say "stop paying all this money," but uncle said 'he can get a scholarship.' My dad would try and explain that if you don't spend $10k every year, that's the tuition money, guaranteed.

I'm recalling seeing my cousin at his HS grad party, drinking beers. I try not to judge, but I was a Division I scholarship athlete, and I'm also a parent. My kids don't have access to alcohol in my home, and I never touched the stuff when I was in-season, which was always.

This reminds me of all the times my SIL talked about my nephew getting a swimming scholarship.  Scholarships in swimming are very rare, and if you're not in the top of the state, forget it.  He wasn't even top in his division.  (Also drinking at his grad party.)

AMandM

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2019, 11:31:05 AM »
I'm recalling seeing my cousin at his HS grad party, drinking beers. I try not to judge, but I was a Division I scholarship athlete, and I'm also a parent. My kids don't have access to alcohol in my home, and I never touched the stuff when I was in-season, which was always.

For an opposite perspective, we deliberately give our kids access to alcohol in our home. From the age of 16, they are offered whatever alcohol is being served to the adults. For them, consuming alcohol doesn't mean getting drunk, or skulking around guiltily. As my husband put it, we want them to learn how to drink in a civilized way, not from some frat boy when they go to college.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #12 on: July 14, 2019, 12:54:08 PM »
I'm recalling seeing my cousin at his HS grad party, drinking beers. I try not to judge, but I was a Division I scholarship athlete, and I'm also a parent. My kids don't have access to alcohol in my home, and I never touched the stuff when I was in-season, which was always.

For an opposite perspective, we deliberately give our kids access to alcohol in our home. From the age of 16, they are offered whatever alcohol is being served to the adults. For them, consuming alcohol doesn't mean getting drunk, or skulking around guiltily. As my husband put it, we want them to learn how to drink in a civilized way, not from some frat boy when they go to college.

We also started drinking in the home, a small glass of wine at Christmas and so on.  We learned that alcohol is an enhancement to a meal, not a way to get falling down drunk.  When I was on my own at University, I was not interested in going out to get drunk. 

SwordGuy

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #13 on: July 14, 2019, 01:48:04 PM »
I'm recalling seeing my cousin at his HS grad party, drinking beers. I try not to judge, but I was a Division I scholarship athlete, and I'm also a parent. My kids don't have access to alcohol in my home, and I never touched the stuff when I was in-season, which was always.

For an opposite perspective, we deliberately give our kids access to alcohol in our home. From the age of 16, they are offered whatever alcohol is being served to the adults. For them, consuming alcohol doesn't mean getting drunk, or skulking around guiltily. As my husband put it, we want them to learn how to drink in a civilized way, not from some frat boy when they go to college.

Exactly!   My parents would have a drink and some cheese and crackers on the backyard patio.  I could join them.  I could have part of a beer or a small glass of wine, whatever they were having.

The result?

There was no glamor about having a drink.  "Oh, that's just something I do with my parents when I've got nothing more interesting to do."

I discovered I liked the taste of Dr. Pepper better than alcohol, so that's what I drink.

Maenad

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #14 on: July 17, 2019, 05:04:26 AM »
Broadening the scope of our own fails, our electricity bills have been higher than we like, but we always figured it was due to having a Leaf and an extra refrigerator.

Then my next-door neighbor needed a new A/C, so he brought the Cooling Guy over to my house, showed him the external condenser, and talked about how our current A/C wasn't big enough. The Cooling Guy said, "They should be able to make ice in that house, that's a big unit. It also desperately needs to be cleaned."

So we pulled off the outer cover last weekend and gently vacuumed off the coils (which had a coating thick enough I could pull it off like a sheet). We can already feel the difference. I am not proud of us.

Just Joe

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #15 on: July 17, 2019, 07:55:25 AM »
Good encouragement to do the same this weekend. Thanks. I did recently notice that the insulation on the coolant lines was mostly gone so I replaced that. $5 expense and yep, I think the system runs less.

katethekitcat

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #16 on: July 17, 2019, 10:39:27 AM »
Choosing a graduate school (master's degree).

School 1: Full tuition covered, would get a $800 monthly living stipend (in a low cost-of-living area).
School 2: $45K annual tuition, no monthly living stipend.

Convinced that ONLY the second school had the program I needed, of course I chose school 2. Unfortunately, I realized pretty quickly grad school wasn't for me, but not understanding the sunk cost fallacy, I felt like I had to stick it out because I was so in debt. I got EXTREMELY lucky with my post-graduation job (and finding MMM right about that time, which helped me pay off my $75K student loans in just under 2 years), but I often think about the choices I made because of that debt (e.g., the job I took, sticking in a program I hated) that I wouldn't have had I gone to the program that would have let me graduate debt free.

I didn't realize at the time of choosing a graduate school that, when it comes to master's programs, the single most important factor is not the program itself, but what YOU put into it. If you study hard, network, and fight for internships, you can make any program work for you. Don't let the shiny appeal of a fancy name-brand school make you think you have to be there. And even more important: never make your future self pay for a decision made by your past self. What you want in life is going to change.

AMandM

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #17 on: July 17, 2019, 02:46:16 PM »
A couple of weeks ago, DH asked, "What's that sound of running water in the bathroom?" I said, "It's the sound of the water running through the filter in the new fish tank [in the room above the bathroom]."

Two days ago, DH said, "Guess what? I figured out that that sound of running water wasn't the fish tank filter. We'd left the backyard hose running."

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #18 on: July 17, 2019, 07:21:23 PM »
A couple of weeks ago, DH asked, "What's that sound of running water in the bathroom?" I said, "It's the sound of the water running through the filter in the new fish tank [in the room above the bathroom]."

Two days ago, DH said, "Guess what? I figured out that that sound of running water wasn't the fish tank filter. We'd left the backyard hose running."

Healthiest lawn on the block!

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2019, 07:26:54 PM »
I'm recalling seeing my cousin at his HS grad party, drinking beers. I try not to judge, but I was a Division I scholarship athlete, and I'm also a parent. My kids don't have access to alcohol in my home, and I never touched the stuff when I was in-season, which was always.

For an opposite perspective, we deliberately give our kids access to alcohol in our home. From the age of 16, they are offered whatever alcohol is being served to the adults. For them, consuming alcohol doesn't mean getting drunk, or skulking around guiltily. As my husband put it, we want them to learn how to drink in a civilized way, not from some frat boy when they go to college.

Nothing wrong with this. In many cultures, it's just how you live. A Sicilian friend of mine said they'd put red wine in their soda when having Sunday dinner at Nonno's house.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Our Own Fails with Lessons Learned
« Reply #20 on: July 18, 2019, 01:00:08 PM »
Early career fail. I was 19 and at a company where a much older, attractive manager liked me (in a wholesome way). Alternatively, a younger, very unattractive direct supervisor also liked me (like she liked-me-liked-me).

Being young, I didn't see that this could be a problem, and so just came to work and did my job, making minimum wage. Direct Supervisor wanted to hang out, but I didn't like her at work, and certainly didn't want to be with her elsewhere. A platonic co-worker asked me to hang out, and we had fun. Direct supervisor freaks out. At a bar with my co-workers, she gets drunk and starts saying all kinds of crazy stuff about how I'll be fired once Attractive Manager isn't around, and starts writing me up. A visiting manager fires me while the regular one was on vacation.

Fast forward 5 years and I'm like WAIT A MINUTE!.......something was amiss......2 more years......sexual harassment!
« Last Edit: July 18, 2019, 03:19:09 PM by A Fella from Stella »