Author Topic: No way out of this...  (Read 7791 times)

cbr shadow

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No way out of this...
« on: November 12, 2013, 10:19:41 AM »
A good friend of mine from college (30 yr old) lives nearby my house so we've become close.  He tells me of his girlfriend that lives with him and I'm just dumbfounded by how bad she is with money.  It's a strange situation though because of how CHEAP (notice I didn't say frugal) he was in college.  He used to go to McDonalds on 49-cent burger day and buy 20+ burgers to freeze at home and reheat later.  He used to sneak cheap cans of beer into the bar (up his sleeves!) to save money.  He even brought a container to McDonalds to fill with ketchup to use at his house.

Anyways, he's been with this girl for 2 years now.  She is bad news. 

- Has bachelors in psychology from one of the most expensive schools possible, owes $110,000+ in student loans

- Works at Starbucks in the morning (for the medical benefits) and her full-time job aftewards.  The full-time job pays nearly nothing
and offers no benefits.

- Since she has so much debt she couldn't get a car loan, so she got a "high interest loan".  11% loan for a Jeep Liberty.  Her commute is very long and the Jeep has lots of issues and gets terrible gas mileage.  Not willing to sell the Jeep because its nice.  Also says that with winter being bad here in Chicago that 4x4 is needed.  I've gotten by my whole life in this area with a 4cyl economy car!

- Doesn't pay rent because she can't afford to.  Doesn't ever cook, so they go out for most meals.

- So tired from working so many hours that she's very unpleasant to be around.. Very controlling with my friend's time. 

- Very unhealthy!  She gets sick or doesn't feel good literally 90% of the time.  Bad headaches, lots of colds, and other issues.  My
friend is expected to stay home with her when she doesn't feel good, so he never gets to leave.

- Doesn't exercise, so very bad shape physically.

- Not willing to eat any type of leftovers!  Anything reheated is not acceptable, anything that has ever been frozen is unacceptable.


She wants him to marry her and buy a house together.  He tells her that they can't afford it. He makes mid $60's and she makes mid $30's, but the spending is out of control so they're barely able to afford the current lifestyle while only making minimum payments ont he debt.  She says "who cares if we have to get more debt... that's what everyone does".  Yikes...

Anyways, it's hard to imagine people think that way.  I've listen only about half of the craziness.  There is consumer debt and a bad shopping problem as well.


gooki

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2013, 10:23:59 AM »
That's mental.

ruthiegirl

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2013, 10:32:08 AM »
These situations are always hard.   You want to be supportive, but you kid of want to hit your friend over the head screaming, "What the fuck is wrong with you!?!?!?!?"  Or maybe that is me that wants to scream when I see a friend doing something shitty to their life.

I don't know the answer.  Be positive, be a friend.  Do what you love to do and wave your awesomeness around.  Your friend will either decide that he wants a life of awesome, too or he will decide that he likes playing the hero to a wounded woman and sign up for a crappy marriage. 


Eric

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2013, 10:38:09 AM »
I can think of one way out of it...  DTMFA!

LalsConstant

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2013, 10:43:35 AM »
That is messed up.   When I began my debt repayment I was making like a dollar over minimum wage.  Even if her jobs are terrible she ought to be solvent even if she's too pinched to save much if anything.

Also not that's hard to open three cans of veggies and a piece of chicken and some liquid in a Crockpot.  Just saying.

coldcarryouts

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2013, 11:35:57 AM »
Reading stories like this make me so glad my wife and I are on the same page with FIRE. We don't always agree, but we share a very similar outlook, and we have a strong enough relationship to be able to work through our disagreements.

I wouldn't be able to date somebody who couldn't make even the most basic moves towards frugal living. Besides, wouldn't you get tired of eating out? Nothing like home-cooked goodness.

the fixer

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2013, 11:42:05 AM »
It's not like restaurant food has never been frozen...

more4less

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2013, 12:43:10 PM »
So why the guy is still with that girl? As far as I understand she isn't hot, not very nice to him, obviously it isn't financial reasons. Hmmm...

cbr shadow

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2013, 12:51:33 PM »
Why he's still with her is not a question I can answer.. I have no idea!
She's not hot, tons of debt, unhealthy and not motivated, no fun to be around, and they dont even get along very well!  He pays the full amount of rent and most of everything else.  She even lends (gives) money to her financially-irresponsible brother who spends it on booze. wtf?
Maybe they have some kind of special connection that I'm not aware of..

Either way, it's hard to picture them taking it to the next level with so much debt looming above her head.

Exflyboy

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2013, 12:56:15 PM »
Yeah I mean if she was a super model I might date her till I got fed up with her foolishness.. Then dump her.

This woman sounds WAAY short of that even.

I would touch her with a barge pole, let alone entertain thoughts of marriage.

Sadly this will end after she has destroyed his finances along with her own.

You can't save your friend from his own stupidity I'm afraid.

Frank

randymarsh

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #10 on: November 12, 2013, 12:57:35 PM »
There are about a million things wrong with this relationship other than the money issues.

MrsPete

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2013, 03:48:57 PM »
He's an adult with a college degree.  He should know better.  Has he actually asked your advice?   If he does, be honest, but if he's just complaining, be supportive but don't offer your opinion where it isn't wanted.  I would probably rib him a little about the change in his ways, which could prompt a more serious conversation, but likely he realizes the truth.  When he wants to admit the problem, he'll address it.

I can honestly say that the single smartest financial decision my husband and I have ever made was . . . each other.  Choosing a spouse with similar financial values has avoided so much heartache over the years.  Thinking back to guys I dated before my husband, how they handled finances was definitely on my mind.  The first guy I dated seriously just couldn't handle money -- he had more than I did, yet by the end of the month, he was borrowing from me.  I was young and stupid, but I remember clearly one day we were talking about marriage and our goals for the future -- and, yeah, I really thought I would marry that guy -- and he commented that "pocket money was a big priority for him", that he didn't like to walk down the street and feel that he could not stop to have a nice meal or pick up an item that he just wanted.  This was so far out of my idea of "right" that I asked him to clarify.  Yep, his answer was just as stupid as you're imagining, and it was a huge eye-opener for me.  I started watching his spending at that point, and that really was the beginning of the end. 

Money was an issue with the second guy I dated too.  He did some dishonest swindling with his dad:  He was able to "pretend" that his college expenses were actually higher than they actually were, and he was pocketing a couple thousand every semester from Dear Old Dad.  It made me wonder how honest he'd be with me in the future.  I did admire that he really did his homework when he made a purchase, and he never bought anything that wasn't likely to be used a long time -- I have those same traits.

When I met my husband, we went out frequently and spent money . . . but he loved to go to a restaurant with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon, and he liked the dollar movies.  When we talked about money, he was interested /informed on real estate purchases, the benefits of saving early, frugal living.  It was one of the things that made me think we were compatible. 

Zamboni

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2013, 04:07:34 PM »
Quote
Doesn't ever cook, so they go out for most meals.

If she doesn't cook, that doesn't mean that he can't do the cooking.  Just sayin'.

MrsPete

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #13 on: November 17, 2013, 11:09:56 AM »
Quote
Doesn't ever cook, so they go out for most meals.

If she doesn't cook, that doesn't mean that he can't do the cooking.  Just sayin'.
i don't think cooking meals -- alone -- would fix this problem.   

Paul der Krake

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #14 on: November 17, 2013, 11:35:38 AM »
Usually it's good looking, good cook, responsible, pick two.

Who drafted this woman?!

Zamboni

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #15 on: November 17, 2013, 11:39:08 AM »
I'm sure that's true.  But does the direct assertion that they go out for most meals because she doesn't ever cook imply that he is somehow absolved from cooking?   It sounds like she works two jobs, and the original poster thinks she's also supposed to make their meals?

Seriously, though, she does sound like a drag, but it's really none of the OP's business even though he is obviously upset that his bonding time with his buddy is now severely hampered.  It sounds like both the friend and his girlfriend are happy enough with their choices, and it's hard to believe she is as bad as she is made out to be.  Two sides to every story and all that . . .

Russ

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2013, 12:41:04 PM »

MissStache

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #17 on: November 18, 2013, 06:23:49 AM »
It is sort of funny that this post is all about how she sucks and what a nightmare she is, but all I can think is what kind of pathetic guy will stick around for something like that?  He's a reasonably smart adult, correct?  Sounds like she's got a pretty sweet deal:  doesn't have to cook, gets free rent, boyfriend takes care of her every whim and gives money to her family.   Sounds like he is enabling her. 


cbr shadow

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #18 on: November 18, 2013, 07:21:06 AM »
I agree with the above posts that he could definitely cook on his own, and that it's not only up to her to cook of course.  I didn't mean for it to sound like only the woman is expected to cook.  His version of cooking is using a microwave (lol!) but she is not ok with eating anything microwaved or previously frozen. 
He has expressed recently that he would like to break up with her but feels bad because he wonders where she'll go or what she'll do after the breakup.  It's clear that he is enabling her though.

Russ

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #19 on: November 18, 2013, 07:24:15 AM »
 
He has expressed recently that he would like to break up with her but feels bad because he wonders where she'll go or what she'll do after the breakup.

Not really his problem, and you can explain to him that it's better for her if he does it sooner rather than later (because if he's already thinking about it, it will happen eventually)

aglassman

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Re: No way out of this...
« Reply #20 on: November 19, 2013, 02:51:45 PM »
Sometimes people like these "see the light" and make the most drastic changes.  She is already a hard worker (2-jobs).  I bet if she started reading MMM, she could turn her life around.  Send them the links, and have your buddy read some of the early posts with her together!

On the other hand, some people like this are insufferable, and can't change.  They enjoy being the victim, and people like your buddy like being the enabler.