Author Topic: My friend frustrates me  (Read 13930 times)

purplish

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My friend frustrates me
« on: April 30, 2015, 07:47:57 PM »
My friend, who is 28-29 years old, lives with his mom, and posted on FB how he's pissed off at Section 8 (subsidized gov. housing) because he's been waiting for free housing for 8 years, and they told him he is still on the list.  According to him, he's considering just renting an apartment with a friend instead at this point.  Um... if you can just rent an apartment, you don't need free housing!  There are so many other people like single mothers with three kids who DO need help with housing!d

He is the total definition of learned helplessness.  He doesn't work due to his anxiety, and instead relies on survivor benefits.  When I asked him about his anxiety, he doesn't see a therapist, and has never tried medication.  Yet, now he's saying that he wants to get on SSI benefits since his current benefits will end at some point, and he "can't work, it makes me anxious".  Yet he's able to go out partying and paying for cabs home several nights a week, consistently.  He was also left a large sum of inheritance which he has all but spent, on partying no doubt. 

Now, I work in the mental health field.  I am very liberal and support helping the poor.  I myself, have had mental illness.  All this together yet he pisses me off!  He does not need to be on benefits, have free housing.  He doesn't even TRY to work on his mental illness.  Even with my past of mental illness, I tried EVERYTHING to get well, and to become self sufficient.  Was it difficult? Yes of course.  But I worked hard, and now am a professional, and own 2 properties.  It just bothers me to see someone squander their abilities, and have zero goals, when I know they are capable.  /endrant

clarkevii

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2015, 08:00:28 PM »
Not trying to sound cold but find some new friends

tarheeldan

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2015, 08:09:50 PM »
Yeah, this person... not so awesome

purplish

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2015, 08:20:07 PM »
The thing is, he's actually super nice and pleasant to talk to... until he starts mentionIng this stuff, which makes me annoyed.

Syonyk

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2015, 09:22:30 PM »
He doesn't even TRY to work on his mental illness.

Well, of course not.  He's mentally ill.  Trying to work on it is not something mentally ill people are capable of doing.  Someone very professional obviously told him that at some point, and you're just some nobody.

Besides, why bother?  If you learn to play the system properly, you can get plenty of stuff handed to you.  Housing, food, resources, therapists... if you show signs of competence, though, a lot of that goes away and you're expected to pull your own weight.

He's found a nice little optimum, and any effort to move away from that will require a whole lot more work on his part to accomplish the same end result.  Why would you do that?

resy

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2015, 11:31:27 PM »
My friend, who is 28-29 years old, lives with his mom, and posted on FB how he's pissed off at Section 8 (subsidized gov. housing) because he's been waiting for free housing for 8 years, and they told him he is still on the list.  According to him, he's considering just renting an apartment with a friend instead at this point.  Um... if you can just rent an apartment, you don't need free housing!  There are so many other people like single mothers with three kids who DO need help with housing!d

He is the total definition of learned helplessness.  He doesn't work due to his anxiety, and instead relies on survivor benefits.  When I asked him about his anxiety, he doesn't see a therapist, and has never tried medication.  Yet, now he's saying that he wants to get on SSI benefits since his current benefits will end at some point, and he "can't work, it makes me anxious".  Yet he's able to go out partying and paying for cabs home several nights a week, consistently.  He was also left a large sum of inheritance which he has all but spent, on partying no doubt. 

Now, I work in the mental health field.  I am very liberal and support helping the poor.  I myself, have had mental illness.  All this together yet he pisses me off!  He does not need to be on benefits, have free housing.  He doesn't even TRY to work on his mental illness.  Even with my past of mental illness, I tried EVERYTHING to get well, and to become self sufficient.  Was it difficult? Yes of course.  But I worked hard, and now am a professional, and own 2 properties.  It just bothers me to see someone squander their abilities, and have zero goals, when I know they are capable.  /endrant
what a moocher. Omg Im glad I dont know him because he would get an earful from me! I like to mind my own business but ppl like him REALLY irk me as I am a (former) single mother that made it work for a long time without ANY handouts and no college degree. the nerve of him.

former player

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2015, 01:15:00 AM »
The thing is, he's actually super nice and pleasant to talk to...

Congratulations on noticing the disconnect between this person's surface presentation and behaviour.  There's a lot of that about, and being aware of it when you come across it will serve you well.

It's sometimes something you can overlook in a casual acquaintance, where it doesn't directly affect you.  It's critical not to overlook it in people you rely on either personally or professionally.

In this case, this person's behaviour is at odds with your attitudes on personal responsibility.  While he might well continue to be a friendly acquaintance, I'm not sure he continues to meet the definition of "friend".

FunkyStickman

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2015, 06:15:39 AM »
My friend, who is 28-29 years old, lives with his mom, and posted on FB

That's about all I needed to know right there.

velocistar237

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2015, 07:20:49 AM »
I heard a quote recently, something like, you are the average of your 10 closest friends. Maybe distance yourself a little.

MgoSam

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2015, 08:59:04 AM »
This behavior can be really common. I know a few people that have mental problems, and what separates them is a willingness to accept responsibility. It can be tough, but the way they look at it is, "Yeah it sucks that I suffer from ___, but that doesn't mean I can just lay on the couch," and so it can be harder for them to get out of the bed in the morning than some other people, they have to force themselves to do it. They have figured out that if they don't, their problems don't go away...they multiply! It's truly inspiring for me, and I love hanging out with them.

Capsu78

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #10 on: May 01, 2015, 09:21:58 AM »
Movie quote comes to mind:

"I don't like this place."

"Of course you don't, Arthur, there's work being done here..."

Sofa King

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #11 on: May 01, 2015, 09:37:37 AM »
The thing is, he's actually super nice and pleasant to talk to... until he starts mentionIng this stuff, which makes me annoyed.

I know someone like this who is "nice and pleasant".  I bet he wouldnt be so "nice and pleasant" if he had to work everyday and supply the roof over his head and pay for the food he eats. The person that I know who is just like this is 43 and NEVER has lived on his own. Still has his "Mommy"(as he still call her) take care of him. Funny thing is his mommy is gonna retire next year and move away with her boyfriend (who I think has had about enough of this guy) and he is gonna have to figure out how to make it in the world on his own. This guy has not worked a job in around 15 years and when he did work it was only part time at best.  This stupid idiot doesn't even see the shit storm coming his way! He has ZERO survival skills because every time any adversity came into his life his mommy puts on her cape and swoops in to save the day!!  When his mommy retires she has already said she will not have the $$$$ to give him anymore and will have to live on a fixed income.  By the way this LOSER is my brother in law! So I will get to watch from the side lines and every thing implodes!!!

purplish

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #12 on: May 01, 2015, 11:14:55 AM »
The thing is I completely get how debilitating a mental illness can be, and there are lots of people with it that really can't take care of themselves. There are lots of Schizophrenics that will never be able to live on their own. But if you have an illness and never attempt to get help... it's like saying "I have a broken arm, but instead of going to the hospital I'm going to go on disability.".  Also it just saddens me to see someone give up on them self when they have so much potential, yet don't even realize they do.

FatCat

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #13 on: May 01, 2015, 01:00:53 PM »
I have a friend exactly like that. Except rather than claim work made him anxious he said he would have to find an employer to work around his sleep/wake/game schedule. He likes to stay up late playing video games and he doesn't have any set time he goes to bed, so he just wakes up whenever then plays games until he's tired. He's really hoping they make video gaming addiction qualify you for disability someday.

Syonyk

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #14 on: May 01, 2015, 01:18:42 PM »
That literally sounds like hell to me. Eat, sleep, play video games.

kite

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #15 on: May 01, 2015, 04:54:03 PM »
Heard of the Serenity Prayer?
It applies here.  You can't fix your friend (sister, parent, co-worker, spouse) and there's a strict limit to how you could protect any loved one from the consequences of their choices.
I can promise you, this won't be the first person you care for who is just batshit stupid about financial matters.  They're every where.  Wisest course is to have firm boundaries yourself and toss out any notion that you are a savior.   In one ear and out the other when he gets to the nonsense.  It's good practice.  Trust me, there are others . 

purplish

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #16 on: May 01, 2015, 05:20:45 PM »
Heard of the Serenity Prayer?
It applies here.  You can't fix your friend (sister, parent, co-worker, spouse) and there's a strict limit to how you could protect any loved one from the consequences of their choices.
I can promise you, this won't be the first person you care for who is just batshit stupid about financial matters.  They're every where.  Wisest course is to have firm boundaries yourself and toss out any notion that you are a savior.   In one ear and out the other when he gets to the nonsense.  It's good practice.  Trust me, there are others .

Ugh I know, but it's difficult when I see him post about it, or when he starts talking to me about it.  I think I'll just try to change the subject when he does to show I'm not interested.  Probably hang out less.

FatCat

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #17 on: May 01, 2015, 05:44:46 PM »
Ugh I know, but it's difficult when I see him post about it, or when he starts talking to me about it.  I think I'll just try to change the subject when he does to show I'm not interested.  Probably hang out less.

I am not like most of the people I know. I have this sort of problem quite often. All you can do is change the subject or hang out less. I can take certain people in doses. Once the dose starts to reach a level that's turning toxic, it's time to stop for a while.

JustGettingStarted1980

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #18 on: May 01, 2015, 05:52:08 PM »
The thing is, he's actually super nice and pleasant to talk to... until he starts mentionIng this stuff, which makes me annoyed.

I know someone like this who is "nice and pleasant".  I bet he wouldnt be so "nice and pleasant" if he had to work everyday and supply the roof over his head and pay for the food he eats. The person that I know who is just like this is 43 and NEVER has lived on his own. Still has his "Mommy"(as he still call her) take care of him. Funny thing is his mommy is gonna retire next year and move away with her boyfriend (who I think has had about enough of this guy) and he is gonna have to figure out how to make it in the world on his own. This guy has not worked a job in around 15 years and when he did work it was only part time at best.  This stupid idiot doesn't even see the shit storm coming his way! He has ZERO survival skills because every time any adversity came into his life his mommy puts on her cape and swoops in to save the day!!  When his mommy retires she has already said she will not have the $$$$ to give him anymore and will have to live on a fixed income.  By the way this LOSER is my brother in law! So I will get to watch from the side lines and every thing implodes!!!

I think your comment is hilarious on this thread solely because of your handle.....

gimp

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #19 on: May 01, 2015, 06:52:30 PM »
Sofa King Lazy, amirite?

fartface

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #20 on: May 01, 2015, 07:28:14 PM »
The thing is, he's actually super nice and pleasant to talk to... until he starts mentionIng this stuff, which makes me annoyed.

I know someone like this who is "nice and pleasant".  I bet he wouldnt be so "nice and pleasant" if he had to work everyday and supply the roof over his head and pay for the food he eats. The person that I know who is just like this is 43 and NEVER has lived on his own. Still has his "Mommy"(as he still call her) take care of him. Funny thing is his mommy is gonna retire next year and move away with her boyfriend (who I think has had about enough of this guy) and he is gonna have to figure out how to make it in the world on his own. This guy has not worked a job in around 15 years and when he did work it was only part time at best.  This stupid idiot doesn't even see the shit storm coming his way! He has ZERO survival skills because every time any adversity came into his life his mommy puts on her cape and swoops in to save the day!!  When his mommy retires she has already said she will not have the $$$$ to give him anymore and will have to live on a fixed income.  By the way this LOSER is my brother in law! So I will get to watch from the side lines and every thing implodes!!!

Is his name Brennan? or Dale?

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kite

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2015, 04:45:51 AM »
Heard of the Serenity Prayer?
It applies here.  You can't fix your friend (sister, parent, co-worker, spouse) and there's a strict limit to how you could protect any loved one from the consequences of their choices.
I can promise you, this won't be the first person you care for who is just batshit stupid about financial matters.  They're every where.  Wisest course is to have firm boundaries yourself and toss out any notion that you are a savior.   In one ear and out the other when he gets to the nonsense.  It's good practice.  Trust me, there are others .

Ugh I know, but it's difficult when I see him post about it, or when he starts talking to me about it.  I think I'll just try to change the subject when he does to show I'm not interested.  Probably hang out less.

I've got loved ones who are similar.  We're decades older now and looking at this in the rear view mirror is interesting, to say the least.  I'd heard somewhere that by age 50, you have the face you earned.  Meaning the sun, booze & cigarette damage is apparent and unchangeable.  By midlife, you see which of your contemporaries stayed on a destructive path and which ones wised up and finally decided to fly right.  The same applies to other areas of life, ie..job, education, maintaining a home, having a family.  Quite a few of us squandered the first decade of adulthood, but caught up later.  Others are perpetual adolescents. 
If his Facebook posts are bothersome, you could block his updates from appearing in your feed.  But really,  I'd recommend just dropping off Facebook yourself.  It saves time and makes you more present in your offline life.  The sun will still rise and set each day and you'll be a lot less frustrated.  When he blurts out his complaints about his circumstances,  you can say simply, "check out NAMI, they've helped lots of people" or just let his comment hang there unanswered.  You can't fix him or his situation.   Treat his outburst as though it were a complaint about the weather or the dreadful season that the Phillies are going to have.......ie... all you gotta do is listen, nobody expects you to fix it. 

Laura

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2015, 03:37:11 PM »
It's always interesting to me to hear stories of people who have anxiety and who just end up sitting around not working and even collect disability due to their anxiety.

Personally, I have always dealt with social phobia and very bad anxiety. But I never got to a point where I just didn't try. Like, I still went off to college and got my degree, I still went out and got a full time job, I still tried to put myself out there, etc. Anxiety definitely subsides once you put yourself into a situation and get used to it, so it's a shame when people don't even try. I work in customer service for a financial company (which seems like a terrible place for anxious and shy people lol), but I have done very well in this job. I've been working here for 7 years now and it doesn't make me as anxious now. I remember when I first started I couldn't even make a phone call without writing up an entire script about how the conversation would go. And there were so many times when I felt overwhelmed and I would cry when I got home. It would've been so much easier to just quit, but I stuck it out and my anxiety subsided as I got more and more used to my work environment. Also, you can make much more money if you just stick it out and get a job. I can't imagine being on disability like that. I'd be making so much less than I'm making now at my full-time job, since I've been doing so well and excelling at my position.

Also, I never went to a therapist to deal with my anxiety. I just read many self-help books on my own. I'd say that maybe you could give your friend a self-help book like Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins, but it sounds like he might not appreciate it very much if he is hellbent on playing the system to his favor to try and get Section 8 housing and collect his disability. It's a shame because you are probably right in that he surely must have a lot more potential in him, but he just doesn't want to try and help himself deal with his anxiety.

Sofa King

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2015, 07:14:13 PM »
The thing is, he's actually super nice and pleasant to talk to... until he starts mentionIng this stuff, which makes me annoyed.

I know someone like this who is "nice and pleasant".  I bet he wouldnt be so "nice and pleasant" if he had to work everyday and supply the roof over his head and pay for the food he eats. The person that I know who is just like this is 43 and NEVER has lived on his own. Still has his "Mommy"(as he still call her) take care of him. Funny thing is his mommy is gonna retire next year and move away with her boyfriend (who I think has had about enough of this guy) and he is gonna have to figure out how to make it in the world on his own. This guy has not worked a job in around 15 years and when he did work it was only part time at best.  This stupid idiot doesn't even see the shit storm coming his way! He has ZERO survival skills because every time any adversity came into his life his mommy puts on her cape and swoops in to save the day!!  When his mommy retires she has already said she will not have the $$$$ to give him anymore and will have to live on a fixed income.  By the way this LOSER is my brother in law! So I will get to watch from the side lines and every thing implodes!!!

I think your comment is hilarious on this thread solely because of your handle.....

SoFucking what?  LOL!!!  :  )

steveo

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2015, 07:20:56 PM »
I hate people like that with a passion.

Forcus

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #25 on: May 04, 2015, 04:09:48 PM »
I get anxious going to work.... I'm going to try disability. Wish me luck!

zephyr911

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #26 on: May 11, 2015, 09:46:56 AM »
I get anxious going to work.... I'm going to try disability. Wish me luck!
My job depressed me so I decided to work my ass off opening other doors. I did. A year later I'm so much happier that I don't even feel the need to quit.
I actually do get the anxiety... I've struggled with it on and off since adolescence. It sucks, and I know it sucks way more for people other than it does forme. But I can't fathom ever having it so bad that I just gave up and decided not to even try to beat it.

dude

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #27 on: May 11, 2015, 11:04:28 AM »
People like this guy are why SS disability is going broke (by next year). My wife's cousin is a similar creature.  Anxiety, my ass, more like sloth.

MgoSam

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #28 on: May 11, 2015, 11:15:56 AM »
I get anxious going to work.... I'm going to try disability. Wish me luck!
My job depressed me so I decided to work my ass off opening other doors. I did. A year later I'm so much happier that I don't even feel the need to quit.
I actually do get the anxiety... I've struggled with it on and off since adolescence. It sucks, and I know it sucks way more for people other than it does forme. But I can't fathom ever having it so bad that I just gave up and decided not to even try to beat it.

I get anxious due to work details, but my solution is to work hard, save up, and retire early. I can't imagine spending a lifetime working...so I won't!

purplish

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #29 on: May 24, 2015, 04:24:30 PM »
*Update* Hung out with my friend over the weekend, he discussed not being able to afford things, and then literally in the next sentence discussed his $300 cable bill he pays each month.  I was like WHAT?  I didn't even know they had cable that expensive!  I tried to tell him, that is insane to be paying that much for cable, and then not being able to afford other things because of it.  His response was "Yeah but I called before to lower it, and they only wanted to lower it $30 here or there so whatever".  He then discussed paying $30 a month on some service where you get entertainment swag delivered every month. 

The thing is... I just feel bad, people like that just have no idea how to manage money. It's quite sad IMO.

Josiecat

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #30 on: May 24, 2015, 06:26:23 PM »
Time to cut this worthless 'friend' out of your life.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #31 on: May 24, 2015, 08:43:07 PM »
Time to cut this worthless 'friend' out of your life.

Before he starts hassling you for a loan.

Erica/NWEdible

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #32 on: May 24, 2015, 09:25:43 PM »
I am very liberal and support helping the poor.
People like this turn liberals into bitter conservatives. Your friend sounds hopeless. Don't put him on your Zombie Squad.

sunshine

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #33 on: May 25, 2015, 08:28:44 AM »
The thing is, he's actually super nice and pleasant to talk to... until he starts mentionIng this stuff, which makes me annoyed.

I know someone like this who is "nice and pleasant".  I bet he wouldnt be so "nice and pleasant" if he had to work everyday and supply the roof over his head and pay for the food he eats. The person that I know who is just like this is 43 and NEVER has lived on his own. Still has his "Mommy"(as he still call her) take care of him. Funny thing is his mommy is gonna retire next year and move away with her boyfriend (who I think has had about enough of this guy) and he is gonna have to figure out how to make it in the world on his own. This guy has not worked a job in around 15 years and when he did work it was only part time at best.  This stupid idiot doesn't even see the shit storm coming his way! He has ZERO survival skills because every time any adversity came into his life his mommy puts on her cape and swoops in to save the day!!  When his mommy retires she has already said she will not have the $$$$ to give him anymore and will have to live on a fixed income.  By the way this LOSER is my brother in law! So I will get to watch from the side lines and every thing implodes!!!

We have  50 and 47 year close family in this situation. It's ridiculous. There is no mental illness. It used to really frustrate me. Now it only frustrates me when mommy thinks we should help them too and I have to go through the  whole "NO " song and dance. I refuse to donate one penny to lazy asses. All I know it they better hope mommy outlived daddy. He has made no bones that he won't do it.


TO the OP. Unfortunately you can't make people help themselves. I'm not speaking of mental illness because I know nothing about it. Just in general. I have cut off two friendships because of them playing victims and being drains on society. Life is too precious to waste the energy and stress over it. The family that does it I see when I must and cut off all I'm a victim conversations at the start.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 08:33:10 AM by sunshine »

okits

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Re: My friend frustrates me
« Reply #34 on: May 25, 2015, 09:59:40 PM »
OP, have you given your friend the inspirational "I really think you have a lot of potential, you can achieve so much more if you try these things" speech?  Could he turn things around with some honest advice and some guidance?

See, the thing here is that his behaviour is pathetic, but he may also feel trapped in a cycle of low self-esteem, inertia, and fear.  Living dependent on handouts must feel very insecure, as would never knowing he could make it on his own (because he's never tried to.) He might pretend to be a high roller (partying, entertainment swag, wanting an apartment on his own), but there's no way he feels as confident and proud as an adult who is self-supporting and independent. Society looks up to workers and achievers, not moochers.

Throw him a lifeline. See if he grabs for it.  If he tries, throw him another and see if you can help get him on his way.

If he's truly just going to mooch all his life, ditch him.  You obviously don't respect him (vital for true friendship) and I advise a limited amount of bullshit in personal relationships. For better or worse, it's time for him to hear what you really think of him.