Thanks for listening/offering feedback/giving me a safe place to talk about it without risking hurting her feelings with my concern and frustration. When I talked to her last night I actually said something very similar to what Laura mentioned, along the lines of "you know I love you no matter what/don't need to do xyz to impress me, or anyone who should matter".
I definitely think she has some self-esteem issues because of the XH. It was four years ago now, and I've been very supportive as a good friend should be, in many, many ways. When she first found out about XH, I changed plans for a major holiday so that she and her kids could be at our home instead at her requests, and I was happy to do it. We were each other's maids of honor, god-parents to children, etc. She and her kids come to visit fairly often (she has other relatives near me so she'll often come visit and stay with me), and I try to give her a break, listen as much as possible, be there for her. She was dating someone for awhile but this new obsession with her fitness came after she broke up with him. She has said herself that she is scared of being alone so she's definitely out looking. I worry who/what she will attract if she's only concerned about appearance and not substance.
Yes, vivophoenix, I have asked her how she was doing, and actually listened, and offered love and support. Often. I did again last night. My concern for her far transcends the financial, but since since is the anti-MMM forum, that's what I was posting about. As for the money and the reason it worries me and makes me sad: She is often stressed about money and over the last four years has always talked about it whenever she visits, so I have tried to offer her advice when she has explicitly asked me for advice, but otherwise I try not to get involved in the money talk. The last time she visited though she was talking about how she wanted to plan for the future and retirement and asked me questions, so it was a big 180 when we talked last night. She doesn't seem happy to me, and throwing money on appearances, money that she doesn't have, isn't going to make her any happier. I am much, much more sad about how she seems to feel about herself than anything relating to the money; this milestone birthday has really sent her into a tailspin, where she has really adopted this "YOLO" attitude that I've never seen in her before to this degree. She's gotten kind of selfish with spending on herself at the expense of her kids, and I'm having a hard time reconciling it with how she used to be.
Chesleygirl, yes, it is definitely like pageant expenses. She had done some over the years (not recently) and compared this upcoming event to them.
Sorry my post here is rambling again. It hurts my heart to see her so unhappy and trying to spend herself into artificial happiness, and seeing the impact on her kids and her financial life, when I don't think it's really what she wants.