Author Topic: It is done  (Read 6996 times)

onehair

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It is done
« on: June 09, 2021, 01:48:54 PM »
As you all know and if you don't want to trace posts for stories of me and SO's woes I understand.  Anyway I have finally left him and moved out. I didn't want to return here and still be in the same place physically and financially.  I was delayed by COVID, my son's flareups and me dragging my butt but it is done.  I feel numb, relieved and sad all at the same time.  He was very angry I took my late daughter's urn and also worried how bills will be paid.  We will leave alone the fact I paid them solo for a year or more while he ate out, bought hats, drank and smoke while I carried the household and wrestled with the rental office.  He hadn't even applied for aid we were eligible for as County residents.  So now I restart and reboot.

ixtap

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Re: It is done
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2021, 01:51:43 PM »
(HUGS)

onehair

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Re: It is done
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2021, 02:57:54 PM »
I need those hugs right now.  I had posted in my confused fashion in Relatives Who Just Don't Get It about my going to be former SO and his horrible financial habits.  Habits I helped subsidize like an idiot.  Now to also purge even more. I took no furniture and except for my computer my sleeping pad and my daughter's urn everything is in laundry bags I know I have to go through and purge more.  My son helped and I am very grateful he came through for his old mother. 

bacchi

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Re: It is done
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2021, 06:42:17 PM »
Time soothes all wounds.

Cheers to a new start, onehair.

Zamboni

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Re: It is done
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2021, 08:08:56 PM »
That's rough. Always remember that you deserve to be happy and live a nice life.

DeniseNJ

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Re: It is done
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2021, 07:12:35 AM »
How wonderful and exciting and scary!  What a great adventure you have in front of you.  I'm sure it's terrifying but it's also a fantastic next stage of your life.  It will be difficult but enjoy every day. Congratulations and good luck.

SwordGuy

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Re: It is done
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2021, 07:57:38 PM »
Well done.   

You will be a happy success for yourself and your SO will make of themselves what they choose -- and that's no longer your problem.

Best of luck and don't be afraid to heal and be happy.  You deserve no less.

SunnyDays

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Re: It is done
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2021, 03:23:20 PM »
Congratulations!  You have an exciting new life ahead of you.   Maybe stressful, but full of new experiences.  You deserve better than what you had.

Freedomin5

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Re: It is done
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2021, 05:29:02 PM »
Good for you. Count yourself amongst the lucky ones who had the emotional strength and the means to escape. I don’t think this post deserves to be in the “AntiMustachian” thread at all. It deserves to be in the “Share Your Badassity” thread. <Hugs>

PMG

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Re: It is done
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2021, 06:16:50 PM »
Oh what a difficult journey you’ve been on.  Sounds like you may benefit from a journal where you can process your journey and document your progress.

Morning Glory

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Re: It is done
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2021, 06:33:46 PM »
Congratulations!!! That takes a lot of courage.

oneday

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Re: It is done
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2021, 08:16:11 PM »
Congratulations! That is a very hard thing, to launch yourself into the unknown future. You weren't "dragging your butt," you were gathering your strength. Which your SO had been leeching from you. You can take care of yourself so much better now.

Dicey

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Re: It is done
« Reply #12 on: June 15, 2021, 04:49:11 AM »
Congratulations on taking the leap. Big move, indeed. 

Omy

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Re: It is done
« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2021, 05:41:30 AM »
Congrats on having the strength to leave! By ridding yourself of a financial parasite, you will be rolling in money soon. And you're teaching your son valuable relationship lessons.

SavinMaven

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Re: It is done
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2021, 07:26:25 PM »
You've taken the hardest step, and it will get easier from here! Kudos to you for putting sanity first. Best of luck as you figure out how to sail your ship - you're off to a great start!

zolotiyeruki

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Re: It is done
« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2021, 08:36:12 AM »
Wow, I'm sorry for all the rough stuff you've gone through.  I hope this new chapter in your life comes with much more joy and much less stress!

onehair

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Re: It is done
« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2021, 09:18:14 AM »
So far I'm cautiously joyful.  The new place needs some necessities odds and ends.  Not to mention getting used to life in the hood again.  But on the upside I am getting more sleep and have less worries now other than trivial ones regarding furniture.  I have to cover cable half the rent and electricity though I will still be able to save money and watch rainy day fund get fatter. My son is also relieved it is done.

MaybeBabyMustache

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Re: It is done
« Reply #17 on: June 21, 2021, 09:27:57 AM »
I didn't see your original posts, but it sounds like it's been a very challenging & emotional time for you, but you've also turned the corner & positioned yourself on a better path for the future. Hang on to that, even when things are challenging. You are moving forward in a direction that will better serve yourself & your family, even if that's not always immediately clear.

Big hugs to you.

Epor

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Re: It is done
« Reply #18 on: June 21, 2021, 03:01:57 PM »
The hardest part is done! (HUGS)

We're all wishing you the very best!

onehair

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Re: It is done
« Reply #19 on: June 28, 2021, 09:03:16 AM »
Thank you all! I've thrown out several small bags of trash am once again sorting my cross stitch and embroidery kits plus soap supplies. I look forward to making it again once i have a liner for the kettle to catch drips.  Now to actually empty a bag for space to eventually have a path cleared and start laundry this week... Good times.
At present it is nice to be able to breathe and be concerned with trivial matters such as stalking cable company.  Not to live in fear of the mailbox or any communications from the rental office.  To begin planning to visit friends and relatives again post COVID.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: It is done
« Reply #20 on: June 28, 2021, 11:55:40 AM »
Congratulations and virtual hugs. Watch out for any bills that might be in both your names, and if you live in a community property state watch out for debt he might run up before the divorce is final.

You're going to be much happier now.

JetBlast

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Re: It is done
« Reply #21 on: June 28, 2021, 04:17:35 PM »
Congratulations and virtual hugs. Watch out for any bills that might be in both your names, and if you live in a community property state watch out for debt he might run up before the divorce is final.

You're going to be much happier now.

To piggyback on this, I don't know how it works in your jurisdiction onehair, but it mine a Temporary Domestic Order is entered whenever a petition for dissolution of marriage is filed.  It's a whole bunch of legal talk that just says don't be an asshole, and specifically addresses incurring debt during the divorce.  I don't know if you have an attorney yet or have filed for divorce, but I'd recommend ensuring a TDO is issued to protect yourself through the proceedings.

onehair

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Re: It is done
« Reply #22 on: July 26, 2021, 02:27:48 PM »
Since I am in a different area I can't get a restraining order unless he does something extremely stupid.  You all are right about the bills in my name and both of ours.  I just cut off the electricity over there today after logging in and seeing it was extremely high I hadn't been looking while settling in new place.  I am also sending IRS change of address to start on tax bill.  Small steps sometimes I get overwhelmed and tired.

TheFrenchCat

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Re: It is done
« Reply #23 on: July 26, 2021, 06:43:28 PM »
Since I am in a different area I can't get a restraining order unless he does something extremely stupid.  You all are right about the bills in my name and both of ours.  I just cut off the electricity over there today after logging in and seeing it was extremely high I hadn't been looking while settling in new place.  I am also sending IRS change of address to start on tax bill.  Small steps sometimes I get overwhelmed and tired.
I just saw this, but I hope you're doing well and good for you for keeping moving.  You're very strong, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and I'm sure you'll work things out.

SwordGuy

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Re: It is done
« Reply #24 on: July 26, 2021, 07:32:56 PM »
Since I am in a different area I can't get a restraining order unless he does something extremely stupid.  You all are right about the bills in my name and both of ours.  I just cut off the electricity over there today after logging in and seeing it was extremely high I hadn't been looking while settling in new place.  I am also sending IRS change of address to start on tax bill.  Small steps sometimes I get overwhelmed and tired.

I got the impression that a Temporary Domestic Order is NOT the same thing as a Restraining Order.

A restraining order restricts the right to go near other people.   The TDO as described was a set of instructions about financial matters.

JetBlast

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Re: It is done
« Reply #25 on: July 27, 2021, 12:03:48 AM »
Since I am in a different area I can't get a restraining order unless he does something extremely stupid.  You all are right about the bills in my name and both of ours.  I just cut off the electricity over there today after logging in and seeing it was extremely high I hadn't been looking while settling in new place.  I am also sending IRS change of address to start on tax bill.  Small steps sometimes I get overwhelmed and tired.

I got the impression that a Temporary Domestic Order is NOT the same thing as a Restraining Order.

A restraining order restricts the right to go near other people.   The TDO as described was a set of instructions about financial matters.

You are correct. At least where I live they are not the same. A TDO basically freezes the status quo and is automatically entered in my jurisdiction when the petition to dissolve the marriage is filed. The big points of the TDO are:
- No selling, transferring, disposing, or hiding property
- No adding unreasonable debts
- No closing bank accounts or credit cards, or removing the spouse from those accounts
- No cancelling insurance policies
- No removing children from the state
- No changing a child’s school, doctor, dentist, religion, etc..
- No forcing the other party to leave the home without court order (assuming they still live there)

A restraining order is completely different.

PDXTabs

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Re: It is done
« Reply #26 on: July 27, 2021, 06:19:09 PM »
In Oregon that stuff is literally called a restraining order:
https://oregon.public.law/statutes/ors_107.093

Of course there is an entirely different type of restraining order for violent behavior.

Obviously varies place by place.

JetBlast

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Re: It is done
« Reply #27 on: July 28, 2021, 11:56:14 PM »
In Oregon that stuff is literally called a restraining order:
https://oregon.public.law/statutes/ors_107.093

Of course there is an entirely different type of restraining order for violent behavior.

Obviously varies place by place.

Indeed. I have no idea what other state’s call it or whether it is automatically entered. Just that where I live a domestic order and restraining order are very different.

onehair

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Re: It is done
« Reply #28 on: July 29, 2021, 01:57:03 PM »
Cable is off as of Friday ( though it was already off due to nonpayment of bill ironically) I have to return the modem but I might be on the hook for the cable box.  I sent IRS my change of address form to tackle my own tax bill.  I am awaiting final electric bill.  I don't want to go back there to retrieve the box at all.

JetBlast

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Re: It is done
« Reply #29 on: July 29, 2021, 03:58:26 PM »
Cable is off as of Friday ( though it was already off due to nonpayment of bill ironically) I have to return the modem but I might be on the hook for the cable box.  I sent IRS my change of address form to tackle my own tax bill.  I am awaiting final electric bill.  I don't want to go back there to retrieve the box at all.

Congrats on all the progress you’ve made! 

Moonwaves

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Re: It is done
« Reply #30 on: July 30, 2021, 12:07:40 AM »
Well done on getting through all the annoying administrative stuff. You're making such great progress. Slow and steady wins the race.

FWIW, I would definitely not bother going back to get that box. Do those things cost a lot? It seems likely that the cash price for it will be way less than the stress price of going to get it. 

onehair

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Re: It is done
« Reply #31 on: October 04, 2021, 10:02:11 AM »
It's been 3 months and it appears he has abandoned the apartment and disappeared.  I have been purging, almost paid off doctor bill to eliminate it next is electric.  I am still hovering by the mailbox waiting for IRS and also new credit union statements.  My savings are recovering slowly but once old bills are cleared I expect to increase them.  We still don't have a table and chairs but they need to be foldable to save space.

Dicey

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Re: It is done
« Reply #32 on: October 04, 2021, 10:38:54 AM »
It's been 3 months and it appears he has abandoned the apartment and disappeared.  I have been purging, almost paid off doctor bill to eliminate it next is electric.  I am still hovering by the mailbox waiting for IRS and also new credit union statements.  My savings are recovering slowly but once old bills are cleared I expect to increase them.  We still don't have a table and chairs but they need to be foldable to save space.
You're not liable for his back rent, are you? And did he really just walk away from all his stuff?

oneday

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Re: It is done
« Reply #33 on: October 04, 2021, 11:14:11 AM »
Hugs. You still have some fallout to deal with, it sounds like. But things are looking up. You've done so much. I hope you are feeling stronger all the time as the terrible situation falls farther and farther into your past.

dougules

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Re: It is done
« Reply #34 on: October 04, 2021, 12:23:10 PM »
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

onehair

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Re: It is done
« Reply #35 on: October 05, 2021, 08:55:45 AM »
In some things I am feeling more peaceful and optimistic about the future.  Other times I have regrets things didn't go better and am angry at myself for enabling it for so long.  I have found I want to go places on one hand and explore the neighborhood but then end up mostly at home on the other afraid to venture too much past the hood.  Almost comfortably numb at times to mangle Pink Floyd. 

PDXTabs

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Re: It is done
« Reply #36 on: October 05, 2021, 12:05:27 PM »
Other times I have regrets things didn't go better and am angry at myself for enabling it for so long.

I think that this is a natural human reaction to any relationship ending. You always could have left sooner, which in hindsight would have been better.

oneday

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Re: It is done
« Reply #37 on: October 05, 2021, 02:40:46 PM »
Other times I have regrets things didn't go better and am angry at myself for enabling it for so long.

I think that this is a natural human reaction to any relationship ending. You always could have left sooner, which in hindsight would have been better.

Agree. For this, try to forgive yourself and come to peace with it. You did what you thought was best at the time based on who you were then and what you knew. You are a different person now.

You will have all kinds of weird feelings for a while, don't try to judge or censor them. Eventually you will stabilize again. I bet you will feel a lot better about yourself then

dougules

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Re: It is done
« Reply #38 on: October 06, 2021, 12:18:28 PM »
Other times I have regrets things didn't go better and am angry at myself for enabling it for so long.

I think that this is a natural human reaction to any relationship ending. You always could have left sooner, which in hindsight would have been better.

Agree. For this, try to forgive yourself and come to peace with it. You did what you thought was best at the time based on who you were then and what you knew. You are a different person now.

You will have all kinds of weird feelings for a while, don't try to judge or censor them. Eventually you will stabilize again. I bet you will feel a lot better about yourself then

And if you can at all afford it, I would recommend getting therapy.  You've been through a lot, and you could probably use help processing it.

RetiredAt63

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Re: It is done
« Reply #39 on: October 06, 2021, 05:58:37 PM »
Other times I have regrets things didn't go better and am angry at myself for enabling it for so long.

I think that this is a natural human reaction to any relationship ending. You always could have left sooner, which in hindsight would have been better.

Agree. For this, try to forgive yourself and come to peace with it. You did what you thought was best at the time based on who you were then and what you knew. You are a different person now.

You will have all kinds of weird feelings for a while, don't try to judge or censor them. Eventually you will stabilize again. I bet you will feel a lot better about yourself then

And if you can at all afford it, I would recommend getting therapy.  You've been through a lot, and you could probably use help processing it.

And come on over to the Journals section, there is a lot more life discussion than financial discussion there, because there is a lot more to life than finances (of course finances matter).

Actually if you like it there, you could probably get a moderator to move this whole thread. 

partgypsy

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Re: It is done
« Reply #40 on: October 13, 2021, 06:05:27 AM »
Wow you are a strong person. I just know from my divorce I had ups and downs during the process. So, be kind to yourself. Virtual hugs outgoing.

Ladychips

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Re: It is done
« Reply #41 on: October 13, 2021, 08:25:16 PM »
If you do decide to move to the journal section, would you please provide a link here?  I don't want to miss it!