Yeah, he knows what he is going to do with the money, but for now mum is the word. He doesn't want to interact with DotLWaT at all . . . he felt this way when I met him, but for many years I encouraged him to play nice (bc she's family, etc.) At this point, even my kind heart has given up on that relationship.
Once the estate is completely settled, with the house sold and probate all completed, then he'll send checks to the deceased's grandsons. It's a decent chunk of money, so it will help them with college or whatever they need to start their adult lives, but for us it is an irrelevant amount in the grand scheme of things.
Zamboni, I'm sorry, but that one sentence makes me curse you. I HATE it when an outsider comes into the family and assumes that everyone should play by their rules without considering that maybe, just maybe, there's a damn good reason why certain dynamics exist. Who are you, or anyone, to dictate that someone interact with anyone "because family". In this case it sounds like it wasn't as bad as it could be - but that isn't always the case.
It's okay, Sibley. I do understand "just no" as a concept. There is at least one person I will never play nice with . . . ever . . . so I get it.
When someone in his family would do something nasty or send some really cruel text and he'd want to respond similarly, and I would just point out that it isn't really productive . . . learning not to take the bait is a skill. Taking the high road when you can. That is playing nice to me.
I never dictated anything or made any rules. He'd say "I got invited to this family thing, ugh, I don't want to go." and I'd say "well, you don't have to go, but I can go with you if you think that will provide a buffer." Then he'd decide for himself, and pretty much without fail he'd be happy he went for one reason or another. I certainly never made him go to anything or call anyone or anything like that. There are often some people at family events he DOES want to see, like cousins he really likes and their kids. I don't think he has ever regretted that we went together to something. He definitely regretted some of the things he chose to attend alone, but that was never my idea. For awhile the family members known to be horrible to him were on their best behavior when I was around, I guess. But that has definitely worn off, so finally I have seen their true colors, and I am no longer an effective buffer as they just see me as an extension of him now.
I had friends growing up who had parents who refused to go to their own child's wedding because they refused to see their ex and that hate was ultimately more important to them than anything. Unless that person beat you or truly abused you, then it makes sense to me to swallow your irritation and petty squabbles with your ex in support of your child. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Easier said than done, I know.