Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 1237502 times)

Leseratte2021

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2600 on: June 15, 2021, 07:07:10 PM »
Growing up my parents used to hide the cash before going on vacations in different spots... until they came home one day and could not find everything...so they made a point of telling each other where they put it... we are 4 kids and always asked them why they would come up every year with a different spot? To give a thief more to do? He did not know that this is the spot where the money was last year...lol

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2601 on: June 17, 2021, 12:31:14 PM »
My grandmother has £10k hidden in her flat "for her funeral". And once gave her two kids money "for her funeral". And has some amount of a prepaid funeral plan. She is not a showy person and I have no idea what she ever imagined all that money would be spent on.

I think the family might need to have a betting pool on how much cash we find in how many different locations, because she withdraws her full income in cash every month, spends about half of it, then sends some portion of the rest to various family members in carefully disguised stacks of twenties "to avoid inheritance tax" but the rest... well, it must be somewhere. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember any more where she's put it over the years.

bacchi

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2602 on: June 18, 2021, 01:28:03 PM »
My grandmother has £10k hidden in her flat "for her funeral". And once gave her two kids money "for her funeral". And has some amount of a prepaid funeral plan. She is not a showy person and I have no idea what she ever imagined all that money would be spent on.

I think the family might need to have a betting pool on how much cash we find in how many different locations, because she withdraws her full income in cash every month, spends about half of it, then sends some portion of the rest to various family members in carefully disguised stacks of twenties "to avoid inheritance tax" but the rest... well, it must be somewhere. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember any more where she's put it over the years.

I have more than once opened a book at a certain close relative's house only to have a stack of 50s or 20s fall out.  God only knows what'll get destroyed/trashed/thrown out when she dies, because all I do know is that we'll never find all the spare small stowaways of cash.  Not big money, just a tiny bit here and there--just enough to make it tempting to dig thoroughly through everything...   

Same. There's a lot of stuff, too, so it'll take weeks months. Fortunately, there's also money in the bank so maybe it'll be a surprise for the estate sale shoppers.

chaskavitch

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2603 on: June 20, 2021, 06:37:36 AM »
My dad has at least one "emergency" stash of like $10k hidden somewhere in their house, but he's told my sister, my husband, and me about it, so at least we (theoretically) know where it is.  I think their investment guy knows about it too - he teases him about wasting all the earning potential of their cash reserves (they also have some $X0k in cash in their bank account as well, I believe, "just in case").

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2604 on: June 20, 2021, 07:49:31 AM »
My grandmother has £10k hidden in her flat "for her funeral". And once gave her two kids money "for her funeral". And has some amount of a prepaid funeral plan. She is not a showy person and I have no idea what she ever imagined all that money would be spent on.

I think the family might need to have a betting pool on how much cash we find in how many different locations, because she withdraws her full income in cash every month, spends about half of it, then sends some portion of the rest to various family members in carefully disguised stacks of twenties "to avoid inheritance tax" but the rest... well, it must be somewhere. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember any more where she's put it over the years.
My dementia brained mother had a thing about her funeral as well. Salesmen were hitting her house as an easy mark. A “funeral insurance” guy talked her up but I think my brother intervened before she signed on the dotted line.

I told her “mom, funeral insurance is for poor people who have no money. You have enough money to pay for ten funerals.”

And oh yeah, she had already paid for her funeral and made all of the plans.

I guess planning one’s funeral, multiple times,  is a bit of a hobby at that advanced age.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2021, 07:52:37 AM by iris lily »

lemanfan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2605 on: June 22, 2021, 01:38:35 AM »
I guess planning one’s funeral, multiple times,  is a bit of a hobby at that advanced age.

The psychological aspects of contemplating your own mortality can affect us all.  Especially when it becomes 'real' through increasing age, bad health, or deaths in your circle of friends.

Plina

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2606 on: June 22, 2021, 01:44:23 PM »
I guess planning one’s funeral, multiple times,  is a bit of a hobby at that advanced age.

The psychological aspects of contemplating your own mortality can affect us all.  Especially when it becomes 'real' through increasing age, bad health, or deaths in your circle of friends.

My grandmothers death opened that door in our family. I told my parents were I would want to be buried in case I died before them and what kind of memorial stone I would like to have. It makes things easier as I don’t have a spouse or kids. But I am not making funeral planning a hobby.

Dave1442397

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2607 on: June 22, 2021, 04:15:21 PM »
I guess planning one’s funeral, multiple times,  is a bit of a hobby at that advanced age.

The psychological aspects of contemplating your own mortality can affect us all.  Especially when it becomes 'real' through increasing age, bad health, or deaths in your circle of friends.

My grandmothers death opened that door in our family. I told my parents were I would want to be buried in case I died before them and what kind of memorial stone I would like to have. It makes things easier as I don’t have a spouse or kids. But I am not making funeral planning a hobby.

I told my daughter that if I die around Halloween, dress me in a zombie costume and stick me on the porch. I want to see how long it takes before "Wow, what a realistic zombie dummy!" turns into "Ermagod it's a body!!!!"

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2608 on: June 23, 2021, 03:53:56 AM »
My grandmother has "paid for" her funeral multiple times over in various guises, but hasn't (to my knowledge) ever expressed any wishes about what she'd like it to be like. I have a pretty strong idea about some key elements and will be lobbying hard to be chief funeral planner when the time comes, if possible, because I know those elements are contrary to what my parents would like for their own funerals. And yeah, funerals are kind of about the living, but if you think the dead person would want something particular then I think you should try to make it happen. The main thing is that I really and truly believe my grandmother would want a Church of England Book of Common Prayer service, not a secular crematorium service. I guess maybe I should make the effort to check with her, but it's hard when she's so deaf and forgetful and I'm only there once every few years covered in small children.

My mother got really angsty a few years ago that she doesn't know what my grandmother wants for her funeral. (Possibly when she tried to give her *another* installment of money "for her funeral"?) I pointed out that she and my dad have never expressed any wishes for their funerals (ages 70 and 65, ish at the time) and it was like I'd spat in her face and wished her dead. But this is exactly how you get to 93 without having ever expressed any funeral wishes...

I went home and Mr SLTD and I planned our funerals that night. Nothing detailed, just a few notes on style and readings and hymns and not to buy a fancy coffin. Still lots of details to be worked out if we died tomorrow, but no angst over the Big Questions. Your twenties is the ideal time to plan your funeral and write your first will. It takes all the Meaning and Anguish out of it because you don't expect to die for decades so it's not about looking your mortality in the face when you're toe to toe.

former player

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2609 on: June 23, 2021, 04:20:39 AM »
I heartily second working out what you want for your funeral and either telling your nearest and dearest or writing it down somewhere it will  be found.  It is so much easier for your grieving loved ones to follow a script rather than trying to second guess what should be done. Even if it's just indicating burial or cremation.

By the River

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2610 on: June 23, 2021, 07:03:13 AM »
We just buried my father on Monday so this is very fresh.  He and his second wife had said several times that they had planned out their funerals. The planning encompassed only the where, who would officiate, and music.  We still had to pick a coffin, flowers, burial clothes, and a few other things. At least the major items were planned.  My wife and I don't even have that much decided.  Probably need to at least do what my father did.

No inheritance drama coming though.  Every one is level-headed and no estate really to fight about, the second wife gets his insurance proceeds to live on. 

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2611 on: June 23, 2021, 07:23:10 AM »
My in-laws bought their cemetery plots in the 1970s, 35+ years before they died.  I seem to remember that was kind of a trend back then and it was really a scam.   

When they died in 2010 & 11 no one could find any paperwork for the burial plots and by then there was a Veteran's Cemetery opened in our region for which they were eligible.  The family only knew about the plots because it was a running joke about how they had their graves but they had no wills.  Eventually late in life they did get simple wills. 

There are still a couple plots out there that are rightfully theirs but will never get used.  I am sure there are countless situations like that where the heirs have no clue about pre-paid plots and what obligation the cemeteries have to reimburse estates for them, how that could ever be tracked.     

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2612 on: June 23, 2021, 07:28:59 AM »
I heartily second working out what you want for your funeral and either telling your nearest and dearest or writing it down somewhere it will  be found.  It is so much easier for your grieving loved ones to follow a script rather than trying to second guess what should be done. Even if it's just indicating burial or cremation.

Agreed that ANYTHING is helpful. At least my mother said she wanted an eco funeral, so I've got SOMETHING to go on even if she never plans anything else. My dad... Not a clue.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2613 on: June 23, 2021, 08:15:20 AM »
No idea if there will be drama over this, but my dad's cousin is dying. He was in hospice, nearly died, and then rallied. I guess its true that only the good die. This guy is a bastard.

He divorced his first wife, smearing her name in the process. Then basically abandoned his 3 daughters. Then he married a woman who I'm told was the inspiration behind a nasty character on the West Wing tv show. Yes, really. (I forget the character's name, sorry.) That's when he actually abandoned his daughters. Up to that point he'd been a mostly absent father who gave them no affection, after he married again he moved cross country and as far as I know had no contact with the girls.

Funny enough, after this guy nearly died, he suddenly decided to try to do a bunch of good stuff. Guess he's afraid he'll go to hell? He's out of luck - you can't undo 30 years of neglect and nastiness with a few phone calls. My dad got a call from him. First time in at least 15 years. Even my dad was unimpressed.

Oh and the best part? Wife and him are devout Christians. The kind that annoy people because everything is "god's will" or "god's blessing". The kind that are nasty to gays and lesbians and are "pro life" (really, forced birth"). They hit all the stereotypes. I haven't met the 2nd wife's adult children, but from what I've been told, they're messed up, likely because of their mother.

If there is any drama, I won't be involved or probably even know about it. I just feel bad for the 3 girls who got messed up so badly because their dad sucks as a human being.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2614 on: June 23, 2021, 09:49:42 AM »
Interesting food for thought in the latest posts.  I've told DH that I truly could not care less what sort of funeral or memorial or whatever happens in my name.  I'm dead; I don't care.  I don't care what is done with my body (I'm finished with it!) or anything else.   I view it like an old pair of shoes--if they can be donated so that someone else can get use out of them, great, beyond that, I'm no longer attached to them so... whatever.

But I wonder now if that actually is a disservice to whomever ends up planning it, because there's no direction at all.  Am I inadvertently making it more difficult than someone who plans down to the last detail, complete with photo examples and links to specific items?  Or at a minimum, do I need to give everyone permission (even encouragement) to go cheap and easy?  Basic cremation, unless people feel it would be helpful for them to bury me and have a grave, in which case basic coffin and a plot with a view of the freeway and a strip club are fine? 

JGS1980

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2615 on: June 23, 2021, 10:44:31 AM »
Dig a hole. Throw me in. Plant a tree on me.

These are the extent of my wishes expressed to my wife.

My only stipulation is that I am dead before she throws me in. ;)

JGS

Spiffy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2616 on: June 23, 2021, 10:51:16 AM »
My mother has a small sewing room/office with a wall covered in pinned up slips of paper with phone numbers, notes about when she bought items, etc. Many of them have been there for 25 years. One day I was in there helping with her computer and noticed a piece of paper with a series of numbers on it, nothing else. But I immediately knew what it was. I asked," Is this a list of the hymns you want sung at your funeral?" I was correct!

CNM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2617 on: June 23, 2021, 10:58:16 AM »
@Sibley What a terrible story.  You're right that this definitely sounds like drama waiting to happen!

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2618 on: June 23, 2021, 11:13:11 AM »
My MIL died last week, after having ALZ for at least a decade. All the arrangements were made at least a decade ago. Everything was paid for, including transport of her body to the mortuary. Well, everything that could be paid for. The massive, ancient, creepily wonderful place where several generations of the family are interred has a couple of "gotchas". There is a niche that already contains her husband's ashes. There is a fee to turn the key that opens the small glass door. We're sure it will be at least $2,000, probably more. Possibly double that. We'll find out on Friday.

Oh and they left not one word about what kind of ceremony they wanted. "Secular crematorium service" is what we did for my FIL, but DH's mentally ill sister showed up and was very disruptive. Sad as it seems, nobody wants a repeat of that scene, nor do we want to do something and not invite her.

DH's parents had zero interest in religion of any kind. They were not involved in their community. That's the result, I suppose. We can't even think of any reason to run an obituary.

We will most likely use the pandemic as an excuse to do...nothing.

On a brighter note, DH's parents took up pottery in retirement. FIL was quite talented. We kept a few pieces as mementos when MIL moved in with us. MIL "hid" things in her dresser drawers. When I started to sort her things, I found a lovely, small vase tucked in a corner. We always assumed was done by FIL. On closer inspection, it has her initials on the bottom. Huh. Did they make it together? The finish looks like his work, but we'll never know. We've decided to put it into the niche, beside the small stuffed Mickey Mouse that we included in FIL's inurnment. They were avid garage salers, with a particular affection for inexpensive Mickey Mouse memorabilia.

So the niche will hold their two urns, the MM stuffie they most likely got at a garage sale, and a pretty little vase that one or both of them made.

.

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2619 on: June 23, 2021, 12:03:14 PM »
Interesting food for thought in the latest posts.  I've told DH that I truly could not care less what sort of funeral or memorial or whatever happens in my name.  I'm dead; I don't care.  I don't care what is done with my body (I'm finished with it!) or anything else.   I view it like an old pair of shoes--if they can be donated so that someone else can get use out of them, great, beyond that, I'm no longer attached to them so... whatever.

But I wonder now if that actually is a disservice to whomever ends up planning it, because there's no direction at all.  Am I inadvertently making it more difficult than someone who plans down to the last detail, complete with photo examples and links to specific items?  Or at a minimum, do I need to give everyone permission (even encouragement) to go cheap and easy?  Basic cremation, unless people feel it would be helpful for them to bury me and have a grave, in which case basic coffin and a plot with a view of the freeway and a strip club are fine?

I guess telling your loved ones that you don't have a personal preference but they can do whatever they feel will help them most would be the best thing. No need to plan details if you truly don't care, and it gives them the approval to do whatever feels best for them.

In my family so far we've only had bog standard Catholic funerals, but I kind of like the rituals, as well as the 'not having to think too deeply about it' aspect. I've organized a few funerals and it's not a lot of hassle because the script is there. You just need to pick a reading and a few hymns. Having a death in the family is stressful enough without having to plan a whole funeral in just a couple of days. I like the familiary of the rituals, so I've decided that's what I want for myself as well. Personally, I've never been to a crematorium service that feels "right" and let's not even talk about the music from a stereo and the bright lights on the ceiling. The atmosphere is just terrible. Give me a beautiful old church and a proper choir and organ please.

@Dicey I'm so sorry for your loss.

AMandM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2620 on: June 23, 2021, 10:25:08 PM »
I guess telling your loved ones that you don't have a personal preference but they can do whatever they feel will help them most would be the best thing. No need to plan details if you truly don't care, and it gives them the approval to do whatever feels best for them.
I agree, unless you have reason to think that there will be strife among the survivors about what kind of funeral to have.

My family's funerals are all standard Catholic masses, but where possible we have the wake at home.  Partly we just like keeping a personal event out of the hands of professional strangers, and partly it works better for us on a practical level: you can come and go, eat and drink as you please, and it's much easier to deal with children at home than in a funeral parlour.


talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2621 on: June 24, 2021, 07:33:46 AM »
My MIL died last week, after having ALZ for at least a decade. All the arrangements were made at least a decade ago. Everything was paid for, including transport of her body to the mortuary. Well, everything that could be paid for. The massive, ancient, creepily wonderful place where several generations of the family are interred has a couple of "gotchas". There is a niche that already contains her husband's ashes. There is a fee to turn the key that opens the small glass door. We're sure it will be at least $2,000, probably more. Possibly double that. We'll find out on Friday.

Oh and they left not one word about what kind of ceremony they wanted. "Secular crematorium service" is what we did for my FIL, but DH's mentally ill sister showed up and was very disruptive. Sad as it seems, nobody wants a repeat of that scene, nor do we want to do something and not invite her.

DH's parents had zero interest in religion of any kind. They were not involved in their community. That's the result, I suppose. We can't even think of any reason to run an obituary.

We will most likely use the pandemic as an excuse to do...nothing.

On a brighter note, DH's parents took up pottery in retirement. FIL was quite talented. We kept a few pieces as mementos when MIL moved in with us. MIL "hid" things in her dresser drawers. When I started to sort her things, I found a lovely, small vase tucked in a corner. We always assumed was done by FIL. On closer inspection, it has her initials on the bottom. Huh. Did they make it together? The finish looks like his work, but we'll never know. We've decided to put it into the niche, beside the small stuffed Mickey Mouse that we included in FIL's inurnment. They were avid garage salers, with a particular affection for inexpensive Mickey Mouse memorabilia.

So the niche will hold their two urns, the MM stuffie they most likely got at a garage sale, and a pretty little vase that one or both of them made.

.

@Dicey , I am so sorry for your loss. I hope everything goes well. The mickey mouse stuffy that you mentioned resonated with me, I am certain my MiL will ask for similar, she loves Mickey Mouse!

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2622 on: June 24, 2021, 08:46:50 AM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2623 on: June 24, 2021, 02:00:58 PM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever. 

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2624 on: June 24, 2021, 03:34:08 PM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever.
I think you're right that providing direction when they are grieving is a good thing to do.  There's also the issue that may arise if there's a disagreement among your loved ones about what type of service (or not) is appropriate.  For example, Stoic Catholic Relative A might want a traditional Catholic funeral, while Naturalist Relative B might want to wrap you in a burlap sack and toss you in a hole, and they're each horrified by the other's proposal.  If you provide direction, it also (hopefully!) eliminates that potential source of conflict.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2625 on: June 24, 2021, 05:03:34 PM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever.
I think you're right that providing direction when they are grieving is a good thing to do.  There's also the issue that may arise if there's a disagreement among your loved ones about what type of service (or not) is appropriate.  For example, Stoic Catholic Relative A might want a traditional Catholic funeral, while Naturalist Relative B might want to wrap you in a burlap sack and toss you in a hole, and they're each horrified by the other's proposal.  If you provide direction, it also (hopefully!) eliminates that potential source of conflict.

If that actually does happen, we need someone to come post the whole story here.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2626 on: June 24, 2021, 05:43:24 PM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever.
I think you're right that providing direction when they are grieving is a good thing to do.  There's also the issue that may arise if there's a disagreement among your loved ones about what type of service (or not) is appropriate.  For example, Stoic Catholic Relative A might want a traditional Catholic funeral, while Naturalist Relative B might want to wrap you in a burlap sack and toss you in a hole, and they're each horrified by the other's proposal.  If you provide direction, it also (hopefully!) eliminates that potential source of conflict.

Thankfully, anyone close to me (parents, sibling, spouse) would likely have fairly similar views, or at least none of them are the Stoic Catholic or the Naturalist.

But I do think maybe I'll jot a few notes, probably still not specifics, but more along the line of "please don't spend a fortune, go basic on urn or casket or zip lock from which what's left of me is sprinkled or whatever you decide, and don't feel pressured to do anything fancy.  Simple, basic, and easy is just fine, with a focus on the people who are left, not on me or what I'd have chosen or wanted. A basic thing in someone's home or whatever is convenient is fine and no need to do fancy or elaborate things either to my body or to mark the occasion."  Hopefully that is at lease a basic sense of direction. 

Botany Bae

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2627 on: June 28, 2021, 12:32:08 PM »
My dad was so good at funeral planning that none of us knew about it until the morning he passed away. It was in his on-file directive with the hospital. We were sitting in shock, awaiting the coroner, when a well dressed woman walked in and introduced herself. She was from a cremation service. He had paid for his cremation and urn, determined the memorial to be etched on it, declined all memorial services, and even written his own obituary in advance.

It was a surprise. My father was terrified of death and it was a taboo subject. I'm guessing he took care of it all in one fell swoop so he wouldn't have to think about it ever again. My mother, on the other hand, just goes on and on about how she should plan something in advance but never does so. My sister and I are tempted to just bury her in the backyard... (I jest, I jest!)

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2628 on: June 28, 2021, 02:21:47 PM »
Last week we visited the huge mausoleum where my MIL's ashes are to be interred next to her husband's. It's a funky old place that's pretty cool. It's a warren of chapels and respites and whatevers. There are so many unclaimed niches and crypts that I have to wonder how many of them were purchased "Pre-Need" and never claimed.

Case in point: MIL's father bought a niche for 3 in an older section many years ago. When FIL died, the family tried to claim it. Uh, it seems the other two spots were in full use, with someone else's ashes. I thought they should have moved the interlopers, but the place offered them a "better" niche for 2 in a different area 9 years ago.

DH and I got there early and had a look around. We found the niche with no trouble, then had a good wander about. When we finally moseyed over to the office, BIL was there amidst a bit of an uproar because they had FIL listed in a place BIL knew was wrong. "No problem", said we. The mausoleum person had to escort all of us to where we said it was, just to make sure we were right, ffs.

Edited to override the fucking autocorrect. Again.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2021, 12:55:15 PM by Dicey »

Captain FIRE

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2629 on: June 29, 2021, 10:44:25 AM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever.
I think you're right that providing direction when they are grieving is a good thing to do.  There's also the issue that may arise if there's a disagreement among your loved ones about what type of service (or not) is appropriate.  For example, Stoic Catholic Relative A might want a traditional Catholic funeral, while Naturalist Relative B might want to wrap you in a burlap sack and toss you in a hole, and they're each horrified by the other's proposal.  If you provide direction, it also (hopefully!) eliminates that potential source of conflict.

Yep yep.

Case in point: 15+ years ago my grandfather passes away.  My uncle is devastated - they lived nearby and were very close.  He did not engage in planning the funeral because he was too upset.  (He would walk out of a room if anyone but my dad entered it.)  My grandma was very much "whatever you want".  So my family plans the funeral since we have no engagement with my uncle and my grandma is agreeing to whatever is presented.

Next day, day of funeral, my uncle says to us that he thinks we may have mistakened his grief for lack of interest.  Well, no, but we also couldn't get your input so we had to move on.  He tells us he made a few changes.  Fine.  Except he removed a song that had special meaning to my family and wouldn't agree to putting it back in.  ("I was there to hear your borning cry") It was our only "change back" request.  Some rule about singing songs in Catholic church.  My grandma won't weigh in.  "Whatever you guys want."  We think we've struck upon a solution: we can't for some unknown reason have everyone sing it, but we can do a eulogy.  My siblings and I will sing the piece as a eulogy instead.  Grandpa would have loved it (grandkids performing?!).  Uncle didn't say anything then to object.

Uncle didn't say anything again for another ~15 years in fact.  Stopped speaking over this, well, other than to tell off my mom for sending him her annual Christmas letters sharing what they've done for the past year, considering it bragging.  Only started up again limited as my grandma's health deteriorated to share limited information related to her.  It's possible he wanted to speak sooner but felt he needed a reason.  He did not tell us when his wife had cancer or passed away, we found out after the fact.  He also lost one of his two sons during this time (though we did hear about that in time to attend his funeral at least, without objections).


TLDR: You might not care what happens to you after you die, but consider if you want there to be a family rift over something you may think is ridiculous.

Smokystache

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2630 on: June 29, 2021, 11:44:31 AM »
Full Disclosure: I work with funeral homes & cemetery (but am not a licensed professional)

I think one of the worst trends is the "don't have a service for me" trend. I understand that in most cases it said/done as a gesture of help -- as in, "I don't want you to have to go through a funeral. So I don't want one." What they are misunderstanding is that grief happens whether there is a service or not. It's just that they are putting you through their loss without any support or rituals that might be helpful.

This doesn't mean that everyone should have a big, expensive funeral to deal with their grief. If you think it would be more helpful to your family to rent out the local event center, buy some food and drinks, and give people a chance to tell a few stories and hug and console your closest loved ones, then great - do that. (But set up some way to have this pre-arranged so that it doesn't fall on your grieving loved ones to have to plan an event in a few days.)

But honestly, if you are directly or indirectly telling people "don't have a service" or "just throw me in a ditch" then you are essentially saying to your survivors (whether you mean to or not), "I want you to suffer through your grief alone."

Sugaree

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2631 on: June 29, 2021, 11:49:55 AM »
I understand that there may or may not be a plot in my husband's family's cemetery in a state where I have never lived.  I don't want to be embalmed or buried, so no thanks.  I want my ashes interred into a reef ball that is sunk off the coast. 

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2632 on: June 29, 2021, 12:30:13 PM »
Full Disclosure: I work with funeral homes & cemetery (but am not a licensed professional)

I think one of the worst trends is the "don't have a service for me" trend. I understand that in most cases it said/done as a gesture of help -- as in, "I don't want you to have to go through a funeral. So I don't want one." What they are misunderstanding is that grief happens whether there is a service or not. It's just that they are putting you through their loss without any support or rituals that might be helpful.

This doesn't mean that everyone should have a big, expensive funeral to deal with their grief. If you think it would be more helpful to your family to rent out the local event center, buy some food and drinks, and give people a chance to tell a few stories and hug and console your closest loved ones, then great - do that. (But set up some way to have this pre-arranged so that it doesn't fall on your grieving loved ones to have to plan an event in a few days.)

But honestly, if you are directly or indirectly telling people "don't have a service" or "just throw me in a ditch" then you are essentially saying to your survivors (whether you mean to or not), "I want you to suffer through your grief alone."

Since I'm one of the ones who said I truly don't care what happens, I'll address this.  I'm not telling anyone NOT to have a service.  If they want to sit in grief for 7 days, cool.  If they want to invite anyone I've ever met (and some I haven't) to an epic service with A-list entertainers and an open mic for "Villanelle was Amazing" stories, fantastic.  Or if they want to throw me in a ditch, that's wonderful, too.

But I also think your post somewhat shows your bias. You deal mostly with the families who do end up doing something beyond a ditch, which creates a confirmation bias for "services of some kind are helpful" because the people you deal with are generally doing at least something.  I have no remaining grandparents and have lost my best friend of 30+ years, my Father in law (husband's dad), as well as a handful of other people close to me.  For all of them, there was either not a service, or I was unable to attend due to living on the other side of the world.  *I* didn't need a service to help my grief.  I didn't feel like a lack of service was "grieving alone".  There were phone calls and texts and stories shared and FB posts, and comfort from my husband and from local friends who didn't know these people but reached out to me, and all sorts of things.  A service is surely helpful to some people.  An informal wake, "Hey, come by our place on Tuesday night, BYOB, and let's honor Villanelle in that way", may be helpful for others.  But for plenty of people, the service isn't necessary and doesn't aid the grief, and a lack of service certain does not mean "grieving alone".  I wouldn't have grieved those people any "better", faster, healthier, whatever, if I'd stood at a gravesite and thrown dirt, or in a church and heard sermons and hymns, or in a living room and shared whiskeys and stories, or anything else.  And I certainly wasn't alone in my grief just because I didn't gather with other grievers. 

RetiredAt63

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2633 on: June 29, 2021, 12:55:49 PM »
I understand that there may or may not be a plot in my husband's family's cemetery in a state where I have never lived.  I don't want to be embalmed or buried, so no thanks.  I want my ashes interred into a reef ball that is sunk off the coast.

Reef ball!  Never heard of them but off to investigate. 

Funerals can be surprising - my Dad said not to bother because he was in his 90s, didn't think there would be enough people to show up.  But we did have a funeral, and the small chapel was full.  The person in charge after my aunt died did not arrange a funeral, so several of my aunt's friends and a few local family gathered at one person's house for tea and to tell stories.  It was lovely.  Of course we did not invite the person in charge of arrangements, who was a stranger to us.

frugalecon

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2634 on: June 29, 2021, 04:34:48 PM »
I understand that there may or may not be a plot in my husband's family's cemetery in a state where I have never lived.  I don't want to be embalmed or buried, so no thanks.  I want my ashes interred into a reef ball that is sunk off the coast.

Reef ball!  Never heard of them but off to investigate. 

Funerals can be surprising - my Dad said not to bother because he was in his 90s, didn't think there would be enough people to show up.  But we did have a funeral, and the small chapel was full.  The person in charge after my aunt died did not arrange a funeral, so several of my aunt's friends and a few local family gathered at one person's house for tea and to tell stories.  It was lovely.  Of course we did not invite the person in charge of arrangements, who was a stranger to us.

What I like about this story is that it meshes with my view that funerals are for the living, not the dead. It sounds like those who cared about your aunt had the opportunity to come together and reflect and share, and that is just about perfect.

Botany Bae

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2635 on: June 29, 2021, 06:25:06 PM »
Full Disclosure: I work with funeral homes & cemetery (but am not a licensed professional)

I think one of the worst trends is the "don't have a service for me" trend. I understand that in most cases it said/done as a gesture of help -- as in, "I don't want you to have to go through a funeral. So I don't want one." What they are misunderstanding is that grief happens whether there is a service or not. It's just that they are putting you through their loss without any support or rituals that might be helpful.



This depends greatly on the situation and family, so don't always judge too harshly. In my father's case, a service would have been the worst possible thing for the main grievers. Family that couldn't afford to travel (and honestly weren't that close to him) would have gone into debt to do so just to keep up appearances. My mother would have turned it into a borderline narcissistic shit show, and the entire burden would have fallen on her children whom she would have used the whole thing as a means to torture us. His death removed the protection he had extended to us all of his life, as he was the only one my mother listened to. He knew this and used his final power as "man of the house" to protect his children from his wife's crazy. My sis and I had our own memorial at a local pub, so it was all good.

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2636 on: June 30, 2021, 02:56:27 AM »
Full Disclosure: I work with funeral homes & cemetery (but am not a licensed professional)

I think one of the worst trends is the "don't have a service for me" trend. I understand that in most cases it said/done as a gesture of help -- as in, "I don't want you to have to go through a funeral. So I don't want one." What they are misunderstanding is that grief happens whether there is a service or not. It's just that they are putting you through their loss without any support or rituals that might be helpful.

This doesn't mean that everyone should have a big, expensive funeral to deal with their grief. If you think it would be more helpful to your family to rent out the local event center, buy some food and drinks, and give people a chance to tell a few stories and hug and console your closest loved ones, then great - do that. (But set up some way to have this pre-arranged so that it doesn't fall on your grieving loved ones to have to plan an event in a few days.)

But honestly, if you are directly or indirectly telling people "don't have a service" or "just throw me in a ditch" then you are essentially saying to your survivors (whether you mean to or not), "I want you to suffer through your grief alone."

Since I'm one of the ones who said I truly don't care what happens, I'll address this.  I'm not telling anyone NOT to have a service.  If they want to sit in grief for 7 days, cool.  If they want to invite anyone I've ever met (and some I haven't) to an epic service with A-list entertainers and an open mic for "Villanelle was Amazing" stories, fantastic.  Or if they want to throw me in a ditch, that's wonderful, too.

But I also think your post somewhat shows your bias. You deal mostly with the families who do end up doing something beyond a ditch, which creates a confirmation bias for "services of some kind are helpful" because the people you deal with are generally doing at least something.  I have no remaining grandparents and have lost my best friend of 30+ years, my Father in law (husband's dad), as well as a handful of other people close to me.  For all of them, there was either not a service, or I was unable to attend due to living on the other side of the world.  *I* didn't need a service to help my grief.  I didn't feel like a lack of service was "grieving alone".  There were phone calls and texts and stories shared and FB posts, and comfort from my husband and from local friends who didn't know these people but reached out to me, and all sorts of things.  A service is surely helpful to some people.  An informal wake, "Hey, come by our place on Tuesday night, BYOB, and let's honor Villanelle in that way", may be helpful for others.  But for plenty of people, the service isn't necessary and doesn't aid the grief, and a lack of service certain does not mean "grieving alone".  I wouldn't have grieved those people any "better", faster, healthier, whatever, if I'd stood at a gravesite and thrown dirt, or in a church and heard sermons and hymns, or in a living room and shared whiskeys and stories, or anything else.  And I certainly wasn't alone in my grief just because I didn't gather with other grievers.

I went through a grief process alone during Covid and it was hard for me. The person I loved most in the world passed from Covid and I was not able to visit them in hospital before their death. I was able to see their body about a week after death and we had a short burial service with a handful of people there  - not all of course close relatives since some were still fighting Covid and not out of the danger zone. Less than 10 people. That's when I noticed how important the informal parts of the grieving process are. Just talking about people, laughing and crying. I really missed not having that. In this case, my own friends reached out to me and helped me but I really missed not being in touh with other people. I live out of town so the people my loved one knew wouldn't even know how to reach me and I wouldn't know how to reach them. I know where they live but Covid prevented me from going there.

But the people in our family who have expressed the wish that they want "no service" literally mean no service at all, no informal gatherings either. They do not want their death acknowledged in any way. We are going to defy their last wishes. One of our parents is in the last stages of their lives and wishes to just disappear off the face of the earth after death. It's their choice to not have a service or a headstone but we aren't going to hide their death from anyone. We are going to tell our friends, neighbours, coworkers, extended family etc that our parent passed. I believe that as a parent you can't burden your kids with a secret like that. When a member of our family or a friend calls and says "hey how are you doing, how's your parent?" we're just going to tell them the parent passed. I don't even know what those people think will happen. Do they expect us to keep up the charade and pretend they're not dead? Are we supposed to tell them the person disappeared (and get people worried and maybe even the police involved for no reason?).

Smokystache

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2637 on: June 30, 2021, 11:23:28 AM »
Full Disclosure: I work with funeral homes & cemetery (but am not a licensed professional)

I think one of the worst trends is the "don't have a service for me" trend. .... "I want you to suffer through your grief alone."

Since I'm one of the ones who said I truly don't care what happens, I'll address this.  I'm not telling anyone NOT to have a service.  If they want to sit in grief for 7 days, cool.  If they want to invite anyone I've ever met (and some I haven't) to an epic service with A-list entertainers and an open mic for "Villanelle was Amazing" stories, fantastic.  Or if they want to throw me in a ditch, that's wonderful, too.

But I also think your post somewhat shows your bias. You deal mostly with the families who do end up doing something beyond a ditch, which creates a confirmation bias for "services of some kind are helpful" because the people you deal with are generally doing at least something.  I have no remaining grandparents and have lost my best friend of 30+ years, my Father in law (husband's dad), as well as a handful of other people close to me.  For all of them, there was either not a service, or I was unable to attend due to living on the other side of the world.  *I* didn't need a service to help my grief.  I didn't feel like a lack of service was "grieving alone".  There were phone calls and texts and stories shared and FB posts, and comfort from my husband and from local friends who didn't know these people but reached out to me, and all sorts of things.  A service is surely helpful to some people.  An informal wake, "Hey, come by our place on Tuesday night, BYOB, and let's honor Villanelle in that way", may be helpful for others.  But for plenty of people, the service isn't necessary and doesn't aid the grief, and a lack of service certain does not mean "grieving alone".  I wouldn't have grieved those people any "better", faster, healthier, whatever, if I'd stood at a gravesite and thrown dirt, or in a church and heard sermons and hymns, or in a living room and shared whiskeys and stories, or anything else.  And I certainly wasn't alone in my grief just because I didn't gather with other grievers.

I think this is a fair critique of my statement. I don't have any doubt that many people will be fine in their grief process as they work through things without a public service. I believe my biggest concern is that someone else is making this decision for their survivors - often without allowing them to have any input.

This depends greatly on the situation and family, so don't always judge too harshly. In my father's case, a service would have been the worst possible thing for the main grievers. Family that couldn't afford to travel (and honestly weren't that close to him) would have gone into debt to do so just to keep up appearances. My mother would have turned it into a borderline narcissistic shit show, and the entire burden would have fallen on her children whom she would have used the whole thing as a means to torture us. His death removed the protection he had extended to us all of his life, as he was the only one my mother listened to. He knew this and used his final power as "man of the house" to protect his children from his wife's crazy. My sis and I had our own memorial at a local pub, so it was all good.

Without question, long-standing family drama and feuds may create a situation where it is best to not have service because it will add further trauma. I should have specified this contingency.

Your reactions have helped me think further about this and I'm willing to take a half-step back from my previous bold statement. I will argue that in most families we would all be better served with more frequent and more open discussions about death and what that means for the living. Perhaps that is half the less on of this entire thread: a lot of inheritance drama could be avoided by honest conversations prior to death.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2638 on: June 30, 2021, 12:28:53 PM »
Thanks to this thread I took our disparate pieces of paper (wills, list of accounts, funeral plan), put them all in a document wallet and labelled it "DEATH". Then told a few choice people to look for it in my desk if we both conk out at once. One day we will fiiiiiinally get round to writing a Letter of Intent to our children's guardians but at least I now know I can just shove stuff in there or update it with handwritten scribbles as and when, and someone will actually look for it and have it to help them out - even if it's not in perfect order.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2639 on: June 30, 2021, 01:06:27 PM »
Full Disclosure: I work with funeral homes & cemetery (but am not a licensed professional)

I think one of the worst trends is the "don't have a service for me" trend. I understand that in most cases it said/done as a gesture of help -- as in, "I don't want you to have to go through a funeral. So I don't want one." What they are misunderstanding is that grief happens whether there is a service or not. It's just that they are putting you through their loss without any support or rituals that might be helpful.

This doesn't mean that everyone should have a big, expensive funeral to deal with their grief. If you think it would be more helpful to your family to rent out the local event center, buy some food and drinks, and give people a chance to tell a few stories and hug and console your closest loved ones, then great - do that. (But set up some way to have this pre-arranged so that it doesn't fall on your grieving loved ones to have to plan an event in a few days.)

But honestly, if you are directly or indirectly telling people "don't have a service" or "just throw me in a ditch" then you are essentially saying to your survivors (whether you mean to or not), "I want you to suffer through your grief alone."

Since I'm one of the ones who said I truly don't care what happens, I'll address this.  I'm not telling anyone NOT to have a service.  If they want to sit in grief for 7 days, cool.  If they want to invite anyone I've ever met (and some I haven't) to an epic service with A-list entertainers and an open mic for "Villanelle was Amazing" stories, fantastic.  Or if they want to throw me in a ditch, that's wonderful, too.

But I also think your post somewhat shows your bias.
You deal mostly with the families who do end up doing something beyond a ditch, which creates a confirmation bias for "services of some kind are helpful" because the people you deal with are generally doing at least something.  I have no remaining grandparents and have lost my best friend of 30+ years, my Father in law (husband's dad), as well as a handful of other people close to me.  For all of them, there was either not a service, or I was unable to attend due to living on the other side of the world.  *I* didn't need a service to help my grief.  I didn't feel like a lack of service was "grieving alone".  There were phone calls and texts and stories shared and FB posts, and comfort from my husband and from local friends who didn't know these people but reached out to me, and all sorts of things.  A service is surely helpful to some people.  An informal wake, "Hey, come by our place on Tuesday night, BYOB, and let's honor Villanelle in that way", may be helpful for others.  But for plenty of people, the service isn't necessary and doesn't aid the grief, and a lack of service certain does not mean "grieving alone".  I wouldn't have grieved those people any "better", faster, healthier, whatever, if I'd stood at a gravesite and thrown dirt, or in a church and heard sermons and hymns, or in a living room and shared whiskeys and stories, or anything else.  And I certainly wasn't alone in my grief just because I didn't gather with other grievers.
I tend to disagree with the bolded. Other than occasionally planning a memorial service, I have no connection to the industry. I went to my first funeral when I was about 17. My boyfriend's mother died rather suddenly. The funeral was amazing in that I got to learn so much more about her than my teenage level of maturity had allowed me to notice while she was alive. It taught me a valuable and abiding lesson. Everybody has an interesting story or scores of them. In fact, in the years since, I've never been to a service where I haven't learned more about the person being remembered. Even my parent's friends told stories that I had never heard before. It is very cathartic. I suppose this makes me feel lucky that there is no one in my life about whom anyone says, "Goodbye, you miserable wretch."

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2640 on: June 30, 2021, 03:30:05 PM »
Full Disclosure: I work with funeral homes & cemetery (but am not a licensed professional)

I think one of the worst trends is the "don't have a service for me" trend. I understand that in most cases it said/done as a gesture of help -- as in, "I don't want you to have to go through a funeral. So I don't want one." What they are misunderstanding is that grief happens whether there is a service or not. It's just that they are putting you through their loss without any support or rituals that might be helpful.

This doesn't mean that everyone should have a big, expensive funeral to deal with their grief. If you think it would be more helpful to your family to rent out the local event center, buy some food and drinks, and give people a chance to tell a few stories and hug and console your closest loved ones, then great - do that. (But set up some way to have this pre-arranged so that it doesn't fall on your grieving loved ones to have to plan an event in a few days.)

But honestly, if you are directly or indirectly telling people "don't have a service" or "just throw me in a ditch" then you are essentially saying to your survivors (whether you mean to or not), "I want you to suffer through your grief alone."

Since I'm one of the ones who said I truly don't care what happens, I'll address this.  I'm not telling anyone NOT to have a service.  If they want to sit in grief for 7 days, cool.  If they want to invite anyone I've ever met (and some I haven't) to an epic service with A-list entertainers and an open mic for "Villanelle was Amazing" stories, fantastic.  Or if they want to throw me in a ditch, that's wonderful, too.

But I also think your post somewhat shows your bias.
You deal mostly with the families who do end up doing something beyond a ditch, which creates a confirmation bias for "services of some kind are helpful" because the people you deal with are generally doing at least something.  I have no remaining grandparents and have lost my best friend of 30+ years, my Father in law (husband's dad), as well as a handful of other people close to me.  For all of them, there was either not a service, or I was unable to attend due to living on the other side of the world.  *I* didn't need a service to help my grief.  I didn't feel like a lack of service was "grieving alone".  There were phone calls and texts and stories shared and FB posts, and comfort from my husband and from local friends who didn't know these people but reached out to me, and all sorts of things.  A service is surely helpful to some people.  An informal wake, "Hey, come by our place on Tuesday night, BYOB, and let's honor Villanelle in that way", may be helpful for others.  But for plenty of people, the service isn't necessary and doesn't aid the grief, and a lack of service certain does not mean "grieving alone".  I wouldn't have grieved those people any "better", faster, healthier, whatever, if I'd stood at a gravesite and thrown dirt, or in a church and heard sermons and hymns, or in a living room and shared whiskeys and stories, or anything else.  And I certainly wasn't alone in my grief just because I didn't gather with other grievers.
I tend to disagree with the bolded. Other than occasionally planning a memorial service, I have no connection to the industry. I went to my first funeral when I was about 17. My boyfriend's mother died rather suddenly. The funeral was amazing in that I got to learn so much more about her than my teenage level of maturity had allowed me to notice while she was alive. It taught me a valuable and abiding lesson. Everybody has an interesting story or scores of them. In fact, in the years since, I've never been to a service where I haven't learned more about the person being remembered. Even my parent's friends told stories that I had never heard before. It is very cathartic. I suppose this makes me feel lucky that there is no one in my life about whom anyone says, "Goodbye, you miserable wretch."

I'm not sure how that conflicts with what I said.  I didn't say (and don't think) that no one benefits from death services of some kind, and that in some cases they aren't very helpful.  I was disagreeing with the fact that not having them is a bad idea *for everyone*, and that not having a service necessarily means "grieving alone", as though the only way not to grieve alone is a death service of some kind.  Not wanting a service isn't telling people they must "grieve alone".  And some people don't need a service to help process grief.  Some do, and that's okay, too.  But I was arguing against the notions that everyone benefits from them and is better off if there is one, and that the only other option is some kind of unshared, solitary grief.

It's great that a service was of value for you.  I'm sure they are for many people.  But not everyone finds them helpful or useful in the grieving process. 

lhamo

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2641 on: July 01, 2021, 09:31:20 PM »
We had a lovely memorial for my mom a little more than a month after she passed. It gave us time to put together a nice slide show. My brother gave the eulogy and everybody understood when he broke down after mentioning her love of baking and hatred of other types of cooking (including some particularly unhealthy 70s casseroles that were on a very limited meal rotation).

But one of the best things I did was to have a separate little service at the assisted living facility where she spent her last few months. The staff and the other residents had been so kind, I wanted to acknowledge they had lost her, too. It meant so much to them. They said it was one of the few opportunities they had had to hear stories about their friends from their kids, and say goodbye. I was really moved by how touched they were. And bemused that somebody ran off with the family photo from my brother's wedding I had put out!

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2642 on: September 16, 2021, 09:59:40 PM »
^Weird that you lost a photo at the service . . . maybe another family member took it? I'm sure it was a nice photo. In any case, that was very nice of you to have a remembrance event at the care facility.

"narcissistic shit show"
I'm going to this type of funeral very soon. :-(  Wish me luck.

Sugaree

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2643 on: September 17, 2021, 04:31:06 AM »
"narcissistic shit show"
I'm going to this type of funeral very soon. :-(  Wish me luck.


I went to one of those recently.  May the odds be ever in your favor.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2644 on: September 17, 2021, 08:10:34 AM »
"narcissistic shit show"
I'm going to this type of funeral very soon. :-(  Wish me luck.
I went to one of those recently.  May the odds be ever in your favor.

Recently attended one also.   Wishing you luck.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2645 on: September 17, 2021, 08:15:08 AM »
"narcissistic shit show"
I'm going to this type of funeral very soon. :-(  Wish me luck.
I went to one of those recently.  May the odds be ever in your favor.

Recently attended one also.   Wishing you luck.

If you can stay out of the shit, and view it as entertainment, it can actually be pretty fun. Unfortunately, the odds of being able to do both of those things is not great. Good luck.

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2646 on: September 17, 2021, 05:21:20 PM »
^This is good advice.

The narcissistic shit show did morph from sad and scary to guarded awe at the shear performative aspect of it to being able to kind of chuckle at the absurdity by the end of the several days. It was super super duper hard on my other half, though. Having other sane family around who started with neutral face but ended with some clandestine eye rolling helped. We are now relieved it is over but totally exhausted by it all.

AMandM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2647 on: September 19, 2021, 02:43:34 PM »
My sisters and I have started making contingency plans to neutralize, or at least de-energize, the person likely to start a narcissitic shit-show when my father dies. Feed her a low-information diet, make plans without her, refuse to engage in discussions of said plans, decline to help implement any crazy plans she will want to make. Really we're hoping she dies before he does.

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2648 on: September 19, 2021, 05:06:50 PM »
^Good luck with that. You're gonna have to move fast, though, if the time comes, because these narcissistic shit show people are freight trains.

Get your ducks in a row, people, and do NOT hide the documentation about your lined up ducks in a "safe" place. And please get rid of most of your stuff way, way before you die. Seriously.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2649 on: September 19, 2021, 05:49:15 PM »
Now we need the stories.  You all can't drop this many tease-y tidbits without a payoff.  View it as therapeutic.