Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 911364 times)

lhamo

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2150 on: July 21, 2020, 06:41:26 PM »
OK, maybe I'm wierd but -- why does everybody expect someone who just lost someone close to them to suck it up and make a gazillion phone calls to all the friends and relatives to tell them?  There is no way I could have made it through a horrific process like that.  My mom was ailing and everybody knew.  No one seemed offended by the mass email I sent out when she finally passed. I was able to compose it over a couple of days and get input from my siblings.  Many people responded with special memories of my mom -- some decided to cc: everybody on those messages so we all got to know her/her history a little better.

I personally HATE getting unanticipated phone calls -- an email I can decide when I open, when and how I deal with the contents. 

LaineyAZ

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2151 on: July 21, 2020, 07:06:06 PM »
Maybe the death notification should be via phone if it's to family or close friends - in my mind, that's a phone call.  All others can be notified by email.
And in my mind it's also different if it's someone who is elderly or who was chronically seriously ill and their demise was expected vs. a sudden, unexpected death of a younger or otherwise healthy person who was family or close friend.  In the latter instance, a phone call would be less jarring and cold and is more compassionate and caring.

PDXTabs

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2152 on: July 21, 2020, 07:18:14 PM »
When my dad died my siblings got phone calls. Everyone else got an email, but I'm a fucking millennial. Also, I didn't actually know who was close to my dad and who wasn't as our relationship had been very rocky.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2153 on: July 21, 2020, 08:11:41 PM »
OK, maybe I'm wierd but -- why does everybody expect someone who just lost someone close to them to suck it up and make a gazillion phone calls to all the friends and relatives to tell them?

I don't. This is something that other people can help with, like when they say "oh my god, I'm so sorry, please let me know if there's anything I can do" you say "actually, can I give you a list of people to notify, I'm completely wrecked and I just can't talk to people right now."  When my friend's wife was killed in an accident he asked me if I would inform our friend group because he was in shock and couldn't deal with it. I was happy to be able to help him in some small way. (I did do a mass electronic message in that case since most of them had never met her, only him, since she was not involved in our hobby group, and it didn't seem like it would really upset anyone.)

And ditto the above comments - it depends how close you are and how expected the death is. If your child or spouse or close friend drops dead suddenly, you should not be notified in a two-sentence text randomly arriving on your phone while you're in traffic, or seeing an e-mail subject pop up on your iPhone when you're in a work meeting. On the phone someone can give you a little emotional cushioning - hey, I need to tell you something serious, are you in an OK place to talk, can you sit down, etc. If great-grandma passes away at age 91 after 2 months in the hospital, people have mostly already accepted it and no one is likely to break down or be in shock about it - in that case I think e-mails are fine.

For younger people who don't really 'do' phone calls/hate getting calls out of the blue (like most people under 45-50, I guess), a text saying "Could you please call me ASAP, it's urgent" is probably a sensitive way to handle it.

former player

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2154 on: July 21, 2020, 08:33:27 PM »
Email doesn't work if you are working through the address book of a non-computer literate (highly literate in all other ways) nonagenarian.  The choice is phone or letter.

Goldielocks

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2155 on: July 21, 2020, 10:49:51 PM »
OK, maybe I'm wierd but -- why does everybody expect someone who just lost someone close to them to suck it up and make a gazillion phone calls to all the friends and relatives to tell them?  There is no way I could have made it through a horrific process like that.  My mom was ailing and everybody knew.  No one seemed offended by the mass email I sent out when she finally passed. I was able to compose it over a couple of days and get input from my siblings.  Many people responded with special memories of my mom -- some decided to cc: everybody on those messages so we all got to know her/her history a little better.

I personally HATE getting unanticipated phone calls -- an email I can decide when I open, when and how I deal with the contents.
Honestly,   we would have been happy with ONE call to ONE person on our side of the family, or ONE mass email, or ONE text.  Anything, at all.

Even better would have been one text alerting us to the fact that she moved Grandpa into a care facility, he wasn't well, so that we could have planned to take our annual trip to see him sooner (he was moved to a city that we had other family in and visited more than once a year).

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2156 on: July 22, 2020, 01:58:22 AM »
OK, maybe I'm wierd but -- why does everybody expect someone who just lost someone close to them to suck it up and make a gazillion phone calls to all the friends and relatives to tell them?  There is no way I could have made it through a horrific process like that.  My mom was ailing and everybody knew.  No one seemed offended by the mass email I sent out when she finally passed. I was able to compose it over a couple of days and get input from my siblings.  Many people responded with special memories of my mom -- some decided to cc: everybody on those messages so we all got to know her/her history a little better.

I personally HATE getting unanticipated phone calls -- an email I can decide when I open, when and how I deal with the contents.

You don't have to do it all by yourself, it's totally fine to let others help. When my relative passed a couple of months ago, one side of the family was called by a cousin we are close to. And I don't feel absolutely everyone has to be informed personally - old acquintances and former neighbours and people from the tennis club can wait for the card.

The reason why calling is important is because that way you're sure the message has arrived. You don't know if and when texts or emails arrive. My relative passed in the early hours of the morning and we made it our goal to inform the most important people before noon. We wanted to make sure that none of them heard it "through the grapevine"  so that's why we had to act fast. For a  close relative or friend, it would be awful to bump into someone in the grocery store and learn that way. We also felt that because people need to make arrangements to attend the funeral it's also important to notify them ASAP.

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2157 on: July 22, 2020, 07:28:37 AM »
I had an honorary grandmother (kind of a godmother) who was estranged from her step-son. Her close friends did everything they could to have funeral, closing of the estate, all of it done before son learned of her death. I was not old enough to be told why this was such a priority (my grandmother was not wealthy, but she had a house and some other valuable instruments).
« Last Edit: July 22, 2020, 08:58:05 AM by talltexan »

lhamo

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2158 on: July 22, 2020, 07:35:35 AM »
Oh -- I remembered another reason we decided to go the email route:  easy for others to forward on (or convey the message by phone) if we missed someone important who wasn't in our mom's address books (both hard and e-copy).  Also by waiting a couple of days we were able to finalize date/time arrangements for the memorial service and include those details in a single message -- no need for a string of "Mom's dead" "we're working on the details of the service" and "here are the details of the service" emails.  And another also -- people who were more distant to mom/our immediate family may not have been fully aware how fast she was declining, so we were able to give the whole story about how things progressed.

Anyway, here is a redacted version of what we sent (came from me but was signed by all siblings) -- I only got positive feedback about how we handled it, though I guess maybe that is because most people are ultra polite with grieving children.  I lived overseas so long that I am used to getting bad news by email.  Maybe I'm just odd.

Dear Family and Friends of [Mom],

With sadness we are writing to inform you that our mother, [name],
passed away late Sunday night, [date].   

As many of you know, Mom's health had been declining over the past two
years due to congestive heart failure -- we learned in late 2015 that
the mitral valve she had replaced in 2002 had failed and Mom elected not
to undergo further surgery.    She suffered a fall and a broken clavicle
in [timeframe], and made the decision to move into [X Assisted
Living] in North Seattle in [date].   These kinds of transitions
are always hard, but Mom weathered the move reasonably well and made
many good friends at [facility name] while adjusting to life in her new
environment.  In mid-November she was hospitalized for several days
after a fall in her apartment, and upon discharge elected to return home
to [facility] with hospice support.   She was well enough a few days
later to join the rest of the family for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner
downtown, which we all enjoyed immensely.   

In the days following the holiday, we had been working closely with
[hospice name] to set up the support visits Mom needed,
and had been planning to send everyone an update once her caregiver
schedule was more stable and we knew when a good time for personal
visits would be.  Unfortunately, Mom's health condition declined rapidly
late last week before we could extend that invitation.   Thankfully,
with the help of hospice, the [facility] staff and some lovely
caregivers, we were able to ensure that Mom could remain at home in
relative comfort and peace until her passing. 

Everyone who knows Mom knows she was strong in her Christian faith.   We
are sad to have lost her, but she was ready to leave her ailing physical
body, and was confident her soul was bound for heaven.  We are glad to
know she is now at peace.   

The memorial service will be held at [details].   A lightly catered reception will
follow.  Details can be found on [funeral home] website here:   

[memorial info page]

For those traveling from outside the Seattle area, [funeral home] is part
of the “Dignity Memorial Network” which has a bereavement travel program
that can help make all the necessary travel arrangements:

Dignity Memorial Bereavement Travel Program
1-800-224-4177
Reference [####]

If you think you will be able to attend the memorial service, a note to
us at this email address would be appreciated so we can estimate
attendance for the catering arrangements.

In lieu of flowers, Mom requested that memorial gifts be directed to
[mom's preferred [religious] charities].   The family also greatly appreciated the services of
[hospice name] over the past weeks.

We are sending this out to Mom’s family and friends with recipient email
addresses visible, since we know there are many individuals she did not
have active emails for.    If there are family members or friends of Mom
you are in touch with whose addresses do not appear, we would be most
grateful if you could pass this news on.   

Many thanks for your past and ongoing prayers for Mom and our family.
We look forward to seeing many of you and to sharing our collective
memories of her soon."

Captain FIRE

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2159 on: July 22, 2020, 07:48:16 AM »
@lhamo I think the point is that most of the time close family (and close friends that are like family), generally would want to be notified in person/by phone.  I certainly don't have a problem with being notified by email about an acquaintance, neighbor, someone in a shared activity, or a 2nd/3rd cousin, etc.

But do you really not see why it might have been upsetting to me as a freshman in college, to get an email with the subject "Grandma died"?  Keeping in mind that this was my first real instance with death too.  (I had attended one funeral prior to this of someone I did not know.)

Capsu78

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2160 on: July 22, 2020, 04:25:14 PM »
Today is the anniversary of my wife's Mothers death.  It doesn't seem like that long ago but we realized it was 3 jobs ago!
Her parents retired to Placerville CA and hosted some of the most popular hummingbird feeders I have ever seen.  I have our loved ones birthdays and death anniversaries loaded into my (unknown) shared calendar, so my wife was already aware of the day.  This morning, a hummingbird showed up outside our kitchen window and was staring in at me while it fed on some spider web goodies.  I told my wife it was her Mom checking in on us!   
I have spoken to a number of people who have "bird" stories related to death of loved ones- mine involve robins who were at my Mom's grave the first time I saw it with the marker in...another friend of mine who spent the last hours with her Dad had a threesome of cardinals land on the tree outside her Dads bedroom just after he passed...it was during a snowfall too so she chooses to believe it was more than a coincidence!
OK, this was off topic by 90 degrees or more, but sometimes its nice to come up for air! 

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2161 on: July 24, 2020, 09:18:46 AM »
For us, it's my wife's grandmother and cardinals. And--since the cardinal is the state bird of NC--we see a LOT of them. As the children have learned about different states during quarantine school, I've discovered that many states selected the cardinal as their state bird.

sherr

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2162 on: July 24, 2020, 09:55:26 AM »
Perhaps I'm heartless, but it sounds to me like your sister is intentionally stealing $10k from you. What kind of a relationship can you have with someone who is stealing from you? The "fracture of the relationship" is not your fault, it's hers. But it's happening regardless and there's nothing you can do about it, beyond deciding to forget about the $10k your sister stole from you and forgive her and move on. Which is certainly in your power, if you really want a relationship with a thief.

Frankies Girl

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2163 on: July 24, 2020, 10:14:33 AM »
@expatartist

Not quoting your post as instructed but wanted to ask: do you have a lawyer that your sister or family was using for advice/settling the estate? Because that would be the next step - formally contact your sister and ask her to please let you know either what the delay is, or pay the full amount, and if she will not communicate or tells you there is no money/she already gave you enough, contact the probate attorney and you may need to proceed to petitioning the court for help. You need to remind her that she is a legally responsible fiduciary as the appointed executrix, and there are actually penalties if she does not perform the legally-required duties. She must follow up on this, or she's breaking the law. There are serious consequences if she is found negligent/witholding/stealing your inheritance. Even if WF screwed things up, she should have paperwork that shows she had the estate pay in $$ money. Either it is right or it is wrong, but without proof, she is on the hook and failure to provide proof or the actual $ is her failing to complete her duties. At the very least, she will have to pay out your missing $ from her own pocket if she screwed up or can't prove what she did, and could be fined by the state for failure to uphold the fiduciary duties, but there could be criminal charges filed even (not that this is a thing with your sister, but still).
https://info.legalzoom.com/article/failure-execute-fiduciary-responsibilities-executor-will



Will she talk on the phone/zoom with you at all? You probably should try calling her and then follow up with an email. If she gives you any answer other than "so sorry, I'll get that taken care of by X date." and then does so, then you really do need to send her a formal notice (email?) that you will be contacting a lawyer to ask for formal payment of the full amount from the estate and then consult the lawyer. You don't need to involve the other siblings unless you all want to have her removed as executrix and get a court-appointed replacement. But still, formal ask (reminding her that she is putting herself in a legally dangerous position if she refuses to respond/pay out) and then lawyer consult.

This can be done politely, but it really is a mess having to ask at all and this is HER fault for being dumb about the communication factor. Every single thing I've ever read is that the executor should just communicate with the heirs and keep them informed what is happening/will happen/if there's a holdup and this would solve 99% of the issues with people getting angry/worried. Guess that would be too easy tho.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2164 on: July 24, 2020, 11:01:38 AM »
With Zelle the recipient has to actually accept the money for the transaction to go through.  So if I Zelle you $100, it doesn't go to you until you accept it.  After a period of time (14 days), I believe the transaction cancels and the money returns to sender of recipient never accepts.  So that may be the issue, but it should be quite easy for her to trace it (if she wants to) and see that it was never accepted (and that she still has the money) and resend. 

I say this (and please do confirm via Zelle!) because it is entirely possible that she did everything correctly initially.  That doesn't make her failure to rectify the situation acceptable, however.  She needs to handle her responsibilites.  I just wanted to offer that perspective on Zelle.  You can also take the info from the Zelle site and send that to her, apologize for not realizing you had to accept (the apology may allow her to save face and be less defensive) and let her know that if she wants to send it via Zelle again, you know know the process and will accept ir right away, but that you'd really like to get this taken care of ASAP and that you are sure that she, as the one with fiduciary and legal responsibility for makign sure the money is distributed properly, likely wants the same thing, so you think it best that unless there is some other issue of which she is not aware, she send the money as soon as possible.  If there's some reason she can't do it before August 5, could she please let you know ASAP.  Otherwise, please let you know when she has done the Zelle transfer (or a transfer via another method or mailed check) so you can keep an eye out for it. 

That would be my approach.  If she failed to respond or balked in any way, I would give strong consideration to something like, "I'm hopeful you will still be able to meet that August 5th deadline.  I believe that hiring a lawyer will get expensive and since with both agree that I am should have received $12,500 but I did not, the expense of that would likely go back to you as the executor and the one with responsibility here.  I am certain neither of us want that, and it's not what dad would have wanted, and it's entirely unnecessary.  So please let me know how you will be sending the money so we can put this matter to rest. "

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2165 on: July 24, 2020, 11:19:41 AM »
Any chance you could just follow-up with your sister again and say that there is something you need the funds for? She doesn’t have to know that’s it’s so you can put the funds in savings (or whatever it is you plan to do.)

Clearly, it’s be a passive approach but she might get some sort of kick out of feeling like she “helped” you when you needed funds.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2166 on: July 24, 2020, 11:31:55 AM »
@expatartist You keep talking about the $10k. It's not 10k. It's 12.5k. You didn't get the money, so it her transfering it via Zelle doesn't count. She owes you $12.5k. This is a slight mental shift.

Pretend that she's not your sister. How would you handle the situation if it was a purely business contact? Handle it that way.

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2167 on: July 24, 2020, 11:34:41 AM »
Yep, sounds like you’re going to have to take the stronger approach that others have suggested above. As someone else mentioned, you have to keep in mind it’s not your actions that are causing a (potential) rift with Sister1, it’s her actions that are putting you in this predicament. Best wishes on a speedy and amicable resolution.

partgypsy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2168 on: July 24, 2020, 02:21:03 PM »
I don't think there is ever a "good" way of finding out. The guy I'm seeing (my nickname for him is international man of mystery or imom) had a really good friend/mentor/biking partner. They would go on week-long bike races together and other times just meet up and ride. Anyways his friend was going on a week long race and invited him but he couldn't get away so said they should catch up after he's back. His friend's wife didn't ride but would go as well as support person. Anyways a couple weeks later his wife pulls up in her car and comes out and imom says smiling "where's (his friend)?" expecting he's in the car. And the wife says there was a freak accident (a piece of something flew into his wheel when he was riding the race, going full speed) and he died instantly. And she broke down. And he says he still remembers that moment going from happiness to shock and horror. The wife has the funeral/burial soon after the death and so he missed the funeral. But at least he found out in person.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2020, 02:22:53 PM by partgypsy »

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2169 on: July 24, 2020, 03:28:53 PM »
Yep, sounds like you’re going to have to take the stronger approach that others have suggested above. As someone else mentioned, you have to keep in mind it’s not your actions that are causing a (potential) rift with Sister1, it’s her actions that are putting you in this predicament.

As someone who finally had to hire an attorney to force my sister to do her duty as executor, the bolded is what you have to keep at the forefront of your mind.   

expatartist

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2170 on: July 24, 2020, 09:46:33 PM »
Yep, sounds like you’re going to have to take the stronger approach that others have suggested above. As someone else mentioned, you have to keep in mind it’s not your actions that are causing a (potential) rift with Sister1, it’s her actions that are putting you in this predicament.

As someone who finally had to hire an attorney to force my sister to do her duty as executor, the bolded is what you have to keep at the forefront of your mind.

Thanks saguaro.

TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2171 on: July 25, 2020, 07:11:23 AM »
I don't. This is something that other people can help with, like when they say "oh my god, I'm so sorry, please let me know if there's anything I can do" you say "actually, can I give you a list of people to notify, I'm completely wrecked and I just can't talk to people right now."  When my friend's wife was killed in an accident he asked me if I would inform our friend group because he was in shock and couldn't deal with it. I was happy to be able to help him in some small way. (I did do a mass electronic message in that case since most of them had never met her, only him, since she was not involved in our hobby group, and it didn't seem like it would really upset anyone.)

That's how I handled it when a good friend died unexpectedly. I called someone in our shared hobby group, they offered to help and I asked them to call the rest of the hobby group.

I then was able to focus on helping out his wife and newborn - and she didn't know anything about the Social Security survivor benefits, his life insurance from work, his pension, medicaid, etc. She didn't work and medical benefits were through his work, which cut them off quite quickly. Two month old newborn. No health insurance. She had enough in checking for that month's bills and maybe $1k in a savings account.

Dave1442397

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2172 on: July 25, 2020, 04:14:33 PM »
My mother-in-law has been asking us to set up an appointment with a lawyer to make a proper will, etc, so we're doing that on 8/3.

As part of the process, they sent a planning form to be filled in before the meeting, if possible. Now, my MIL is currently worth around $240k, including her condo (we guesstimate around $100k for that).

One question asked if she had any specific bequests. She has three distant relatives in her home country that are now in their twenties, and she has never met them. I doubt they even know she exists. We asked how much she'd like to leave them, and she says $30k! A few minutes later we talked her down to $1,000 each. Why $30k? It's a cultural thing. She wants to be remembered as the rich American who dropped a ton of money in their laps, as if they'd care where it came from :)

I'm looking forward to getting everything documented. There's one family member who will have issues with what she wants, for sure. That person was informally adopted back in the '60s, and legally, no paperwork was ever filed. I guess if they don't like it, there's not much recourse. No one else gets along with them, and the rest of my wife's family has decided that once MIL goes, they have no desire to interact with the toxic family member ever again.

We encourage MIL to enjoy what she has and spend what she likes. Her monthly SS income is enough to keep her going in comfort, and she's in her nineties, so she might as well do what she likes at this point.

So, no drama yet, but I see it coming on the horizon. Time to get everything written down and finalized.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2173 on: July 25, 2020, 04:47:44 PM »
My mother-in-law has been asking us to set up an appointment with a lawyer to make a proper will, etc, so we're doing that on 8/3.

As part of the process, they sent a planning form to be filled in before the meeting, if possible. Now, my MIL is currently worth around $240k, including her condo (we guesstimate around $100k for that).

One question asked if she had any specific bequests. She has three distant relatives in her home country that are now in their twenties, and she has never met them. I doubt they even know she exists. We asked how much she'd like to leave them, and she says $30k! A few minutes later we talked her down to $1,000 each. Why $30k? It's a cultural thing. She wants to be remembered as the rich American who dropped a ton of money in their laps, as if they'd care where it came from :)

I'm looking forward to getting everything documented. There's one family member who will have issues with what she wants, for sure. That person was informally adopted back in the '60s, and legally, no paperwork was ever filed. I guess if they don't like it, there's not much recourse. No one else gets along with them, and the rest of my wife's family has decided that once MIL goes, they have no desire to interact with the toxic family member ever again.

We encourage MIL to enjoy what she has and spend what she likes. Her monthly SS income is enough to keep her going in comfort, and she's in her nineties, so she might as well do what she likes at this point.

So, no drama yet, but I see it coming on the horizon. Time to get everything written down and finalized.

If she wants to leave them $30k, why would you try to talk her out of it?  It's her money, and at that point, she won't need it so making sure she is taken care of can't be the motivation.  Why should it matter if *you* think it's silly where her money goes after she's dead?   

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2174 on: July 25, 2020, 04:58:02 PM »
I completely agree. Besides, that $30K she wants to leave relatives in her home country may completely change the trajectory of their lives. She should be allowed to leave her money to whomever she wishes, without input from anyone else. Period.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2175 on: July 26, 2020, 08:44:27 AM »
One should always give in percentages, not absolute dollars. Otherwise, as funds get spent down, those specific dollar bequests can eat up the entire estate, leaving nothing for anyone else. I agree that it's her money to do what she wishes, but it may not be her intention to give it all to those three relatives, which could happen.

Also, there are costs associated with selling her condo. Don't forget to include them in your estimations.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2176 on: July 26, 2020, 09:49:27 AM »
One should always give in percentages, not absolute dollars. Otherwise, as funds get spent down, those specific dollar bequests can eat up the entire estate, leaving nothing for anyone else.

And in rare cases, the opposite. My father was the only relative named in the will of his childless great uncle and received a specified amount... which ended up being around one half of one percent of his multi-million-dollar estate. We'll never know if that's exactly what he wanted or if he just never updated that part of his will for a few decades.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2177 on: July 26, 2020, 09:57:27 AM »
One should always give in percentages, not absolute dollars. Otherwise, as funds get spent down, those specific dollar bequests can eat up the entire estate, leaving nothing for anyone else.

And in rare cases, the opposite. My father was the only relative named in the will of his childless great uncle and received a specified amount... which ended up being around one half of one percent of his multi-million-dollar estate. We'll never know if that's exactly what he wanted or if he just never updated that part of his will for a few decades.
Wow! Something's better than nothing, I suppose, but it does leave one hanging. Where did the rest of his estate go?

Dollar Slice

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2178 on: July 26, 2020, 10:24:01 AM »
One should always give in percentages, not absolute dollars. Otherwise, as funds get spent down, those specific dollar bequests can eat up the entire estate, leaving nothing for anyone else.

And in rare cases, the opposite. My father was the only relative named in the will of his childless great uncle and received a specified amount... which ended up being around one half of one percent of his multi-million-dollar estate. We'll never know if that's exactly what he wanted or if he just never updated that part of his will for a few decades.
Wow! Something's better than nothing, I suppose, but it does leave one hanging. Where did the rest of his estate go?

He started a charitable foundation about 15 years before his death and left it all to them. I'm sure he intended to leave them a large bequest, but it's hard to know if he meant it to be quite that much. I was never really impressed with the aims of the foundation (which is interesting since it has my last name on it!), but happily in recent years they've added some new programs which are (IMO) much more useful/important.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2179 on: July 26, 2020, 01:05:06 PM »
i've been going thru inheritance drama for the last year, ugh its hell.  last parent died over a year ago now.

am trustee over small estate for 4 siblings and a manipulative aunt ( who isn't named in the trust but was promised $- all siblings aware)

3 of 4 siblings agree (begrudgingly) to follows last parent's request to give $ to manipulative aunt except for super entitled manipulative sibling who doesn't want to share.

super entitled manipulative sibling got a early and much larger "inheritance" by taking many "loans" in the past and never paid them back.  now claiming they were forgiven.  always promised to repay but never did.  entitled, champagne tastes charismatic but never could hold a regular job.  never helped with parent's care- money or time.  always too busy to help and said that i chose to help them so i shouldn't complain.

i helped the parents the most as they lived with me but 2 other siblings did help with some care and support especially when i was overwhelmed.

2 other siblings could use the money, one is kind of mustachian, the other not so much but neither borrowed money from parents.

frankly at a loss being the trustee of this estate- has caused a serious rift enough for me to write out entitled manipulative sibling from all my financial accounts.  i have let them all know this but am sure if i get killed by a bus while on my bike- manipulative sibling will try to worm way into some $ somehow.

manipulative siblings insists on having copies of all accounts, receipts, even ones not part of the trust ( did not give those), accusing me of embezzling and threatening lawsuit.   many many spiteful hateful texts and emails- i always knew sibling was manipulative but never so mean and cutting.  i paid thousands of dollars for my parents care that were never reimbursed and took many days off work to care for them and to be accused of not "doing enough" for them and threatening lawsuit is too much.

i had "loaned" sibling many thousands of dollars as well and was never paid back. 

can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.


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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2180 on: July 26, 2020, 02:05:29 PM »
can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your perogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2181 on: July 26, 2020, 02:26:11 PM »
can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your prerogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)
Yeah, I have a sister that could be your sib's twin. Sadly, I let the rest of my siblings outvote me on something the black sheep sister vehemently swore she was entitled to. Pissed me off so much that after acquiescing on that point, I adamantly refused to be manipulated further. I also rewrote my own will. The pressure my sibs put on me is going to cost them in the long run, but even writing that sounds bitter. Uh, it made me re-think and revise my own beneficiary designations. Does that sound bitter better?

I suggest you strongly consider taking SG's advice, unless the estate is very small. If that's the case, I'd just call their bluff and try to wrap it up as soon as possible.

BTW, ours took two years to fully disburse. All the experts said we were going to pay a shitload of taxes, but with careful research, and a little paid assistance from a CPA who used to work for the IRS, we managed to avoid paying them up front. And yes, Black Sheep sister did complain about how long it took, but she ended up getting more money. All of which she has blown. Sigh.

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2182 on: July 26, 2020, 03:02:20 PM »
can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your perogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

@SwordGuy, I think I love you in an internet stranger sort of way.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2183 on: July 27, 2020, 09:55:26 PM »
It sucks to be the trustworthy one who gets the privilege of handling the details and dealing with the BS from the others, but we all know how much worse it would be if our folks had chosen the untrustworthy ones to handle things. 


I made the distributions ASAP, knowing it would be difficult to remain trustworthy any longer than necessary.   I often have regrets, but they are honorable regrets.   


iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2184 on: July 28, 2020, 09:58:10 AM »
I am not sure how one can be successful at taking a sibling to court for “loans” that are not documented. I put loans in quotes because likely it was only a verbal agreement, and casual at that. If there is a promissory note, that is a different deal. Highly unlikely, tho.

Ask me how I know, ha ha.

Situation is  playing out in DH’s family has very large amounts of money going to one of the siblings who promised to pay it back which never happened. No one in his family is going after that money because it is lost. This is a family that, at one time, did dormally loan money back-and-forth to each other. Family business. Parents lent  money to son. Son lent money to parents. All documented with promissory notes stating interest rate. But that was way back when. Parental expectations relaxed with younger sibs.

TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2185 on: July 28, 2020, 11:23:48 AM »
can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your perogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

If documented, those loans are an asset of the estate. Handle them as such.

My brother has taken out and never repaid loans from my parents, but they are all documented and I have been instructed that they should be considered part of "his share" of any inheritance.

And I like the lawyer plan.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2186 on: July 28, 2020, 11:31:22 AM »
can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your perogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

If documented, those loans are an asset of the estate. Handle them as such.

My brother has taken out and never repaid loans from my parents, but they are all documented and I have been instructed that they should be considered part of "his share" of any inheritance.

And I like the lawyer plan.

My wife has 2 brothers and 1 sister.  Their mother is very old and not in the best of health.   She's living on borrowed time, she almost died about 2 years ago.   

We all fully expect her sister to act horribly when her mom passes.   One of her brothers will be the executor.   We've suggested he hire a lawyer to deal with his sister.   

He's in the process of selling his mom's home (with her blessing) since she's in a nursing home and won't be coming out of it.   His mom's home is a block away from his own and he has a horror that the problem sister will move into it.   I can't say I blame him.   The horror isn't the money, the house is worth very little.   He just doesn't want her as a neighbor.


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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2187 on: July 28, 2020, 12:09:24 PM »
Yeah, I have a sister that could be your sib's twin. Sadly, I let the rest of my siblings outvote me on something the black sheep sister vehemently swore she was entitled to. Pissed me off so much that after acquiescing on that point, I adamantly refused to be manipulated further. I also rewrote my own will. The pressure my sibs put on me is going to cost them in the long run, but even writing that sounds bitter. Uh, it made me re-think and revise my own beneficiary designations. Does that sound bitter better?

@Dicey, just want to say to the bolded that it doesn't sound bitter.  It sounds like a logical consequence.

After my special trustee duties of selling my parents house were finished, I had learned so much of how my sister mishandled things that I started revising my beneficiary designations beginning when I took my disbursement check to the bank.   She has no idea how much gaining for herself is going to cost her in the end.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2188 on: July 28, 2020, 02:23:45 PM »
Yeah, I have a sister that could be your sib's twin. Sadly, I let the rest of my siblings outvote me on something the black sheep sister vehemently swore she was entitled to. Pissed me off so much that after acquiescing on that point, I adamantly refused to be manipulated further. I also rewrote my own will. The pressure my sibs put on me is going to cost them in the long run, but even writing that sounds bitter. Uh, it made me re-think and revise my own beneficiary designations. Does that sound bitter better?

@Dicey, just want to say to the bolded that it doesn't sound bitter.  It sounds like a logical consequence.

After my special trustee duties of selling my parents house were finished, I had learned so much of how my sister mishandled things that I started revising my beneficiary designations beginning when I took my disbursement check to the bank.   She has no idea how much gaining for herself is going to cost her in the end.
Heh-heh, I know just what you mean...my parent's estate was significantly smaller than it might have been because of sister's constant draining of parental resources. She gambles. In the year before my mom died, she stole at least $11k in cash via fradulent CC use that I know of, in addition to manymanymany other things. The fact that she still got (and squandered) the biggest piece of the pie will never be forgotten.

Just to keep this thing on topic, I'll add another glimpse into her dark soul. After my Mom's Memorial, Dad didn't want to live in the house without her. He wanted to go to my brother's in AZ, so another sister, DH and I packed him up and moved him. He took what little he wanted and left the rest, which was heartbreakingly sad in itself.

My parent's gated Senior Community hosts an annual garage sale. As it happens, it was scheduled for about six weeks after her passing, which was WAY too soon, but it had to be done. Other Sister, DH and I did the seven hour each way shlep multiple times to get the house ready. The three of us ran the Estate Sale. Black Sheep Sister was nowhere to be found, as she'd already taken what was "hers" and disappeared, despite living less than an hour away.

During the sale, we got an all-cash offer on the house.  The prospective buyer was - wait for it - a Probate Judge. It didn't phase him in the least that Dad was out of state and the house was in a trust. We told him we'd already had an offer for the same amount and asked him to do a little better, which he did. We were elated, because we didn't have to pay any commissions or fees to get the sale closed. All the houses in their community had one of three floor plans, so we knew exactly what it was worth.

When Black Sheep Sister is employed, she works in Title Insurance. When she discovered the house was already in escrow*, she split a fucking gasket. She screamed and swore that we had sold the house too cheaply and that she was going to consult a lawyer and sue us. She knew nothing about the terms of the deal, but we knew it was rock-solid. Talk to the hand, Black Sheep Sister.

Meanwhile, the same trio returned to the house one last time after the Estate Sale and cleaned the ever-loving shit out of it. DH touched up all the paint, and sis and I scrubbed everything. We rented a pro carpet cleaner and DH worked on it for hours until it looked like new. The buyer was thrilled, telling us he fully expected he'd have to replace the carpet and repaint. Um, nope. We took pride in the job we did, and he had offered us a fair price and completely eliminated any hassle we might have otherwise encountered. Win-win.

*Valuable lesson learned for me. Whenever we buy property, we expressly forbid the use of any Title Company BSS has ever worked for. No need for her to know any more of our business than she can already get her nosy mitts on.

I know I've told parts of this story before, but damn, @saguaro, it felt good to let that out again. Thanks!
« Last Edit: July 29, 2020, 07:33:02 PM by Dicey »

jeninco

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2189 on: July 29, 2020, 05:47:51 PM »
@Dicey, that's just ...

wow.

What a piece of freakin' work.

kanga1622

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2190 on: July 30, 2020, 09:02:30 AM »
I am not sure how one can be successful at taking a sibling to court for “loans” that are not documented. I put loans in quotes because likely it was only a verbal agreement, and casual at that. If there is a promissory note, that is a different deal. Highly unlikely, tho.

Ask me how I know, ha ha.

Situation is  playing out in DH’s family has very large amounts of money going to one of the siblings who promised to pay it back which never happened. No one in his family is going after that money because it is lost. This is a family that, at one time, did dormally loan money back-and-forth to each other. Family business. Parents lent  money to son. Son lent money to parents. All documented with promissory notes stating interest rate. But that was way back when. Parental expectations relaxed with younger sibs.

This is such a huge trust issue. My dad was VERY clear with all of us that one sibling had taken out loans from him and not paid them back. He told all of us that it was to come out of her share of the inheritance. Dad documented EVERYTHING so we of course found the payment schedule and my sibling was honest about how much/little was paid back.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2191 on: July 30, 2020, 01:27:16 PM »
I am not sure how one can be successful at taking a sibling to court for “loans” that are not documented. I put loans in quotes because likely it was only a verbal agreement, and casual at that. If there is a promissory note, that is a different deal. Highly unlikely, tho.

Ask me how I know, ha ha.

Situation is  playing out in DH’s family has very large amounts of money going to one of the siblings who promised to pay it back which never happened. No one in his family is going after that money because it is lost. This is a family that, at one time, did dormally loan money back-and-forth to each other. Family business. Parents lent  money to son. Son lent money to parents. All documented with promissory notes stating interest rate. But that was way back when. Parental expectations relaxed with younger sibs.

This is such a huge trust issue. My dad was VERY clear with all of us that one sibling had taken out loans from him and not paid them back. He told all of us that it was to come out of her share of the inheritance. Dad documented EVERYTHING so we of course found the payment schedule and my sibling was honest about how much/little was paid back.

My grandfather kept a little notebook with all the loans he'd given the family over the years and which ones had/hadn't been paid back.  Funny enough, that notebook was never found after my uncle left after the funeral (with the big ass TV in the back of his truck).

mm1970

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2192 on: July 30, 2020, 03:45:01 PM »
@Dicey, that's just ...

wow.

What a piece of freakin' work.
Yup.  Wow.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2193 on: July 31, 2020, 01:54:21 PM »
I am not sure how one can be successful at taking a sibling to court for “loans” that are not documented. I put loans in quotes because likely it was only a verbal agreement, and casual at that. If there is a promissory note, that is a different deal. Highly unlikely, tho.

Ask me how I know, ha ha.

Situation is  playing out in DH’s family has very large amounts of money going to one of the siblings who promised to pay it back which never happened. No one in his family is going after that money because it is lost. This is a family that, at one time, did dormally loan money back-and-forth to each other. Family business. Parents lent  money to son. Son lent money to parents. All documented with promissory notes stating interest rate. But that was way back when. Parental expectations relaxed with younger sibs.

This is such a huge trust issue. My dad was VERY clear with all of us that one sibling had taken out loans from him and not paid them back. He told all of us that it was to come out of her share of the inheritance. Dad documented EVERYTHING so we of course found the payment schedule and my sibling was honest about how much/little was paid back.

We refinanced our mortgage through my parents.  We all considered it a win-win.  We got a lower rate (which we couldn't get on the open market because the home was no longer owner occupied, not because we didn't qualify) and he got an essentially guaranteed return on his money, and the interest stayed in the family.  But it was done officially.  There is a lien, we both include the $ in our tax filings (us as interest paid, them as income), and my mom faithfully enters every monthly payment into a log book.  It's also well-known by my sister that the loan exists. 

I think parents do their kids no favors by making loans and assuming they will be paid back when an estate is settled, but not making that official. 

Even just a little book isn't super useful (though better than nothing). It can disappear, someone can claim that they were told it would be forgiven, or any number of other shenanigans.   Official documentation and/or mentioning it in the will seems to be the way to go (which I would think could be done without needing frequent updates unless additional loans were made--a loan of $x0k, made on Jan 1 2010 at 3% interest was made and monthly payment will be made/received until it is paid in full.  Any amount remaining upon my death will be taken out of Child1's share of the inheritance before it is distributed.)  That wouldn't account for missed payments or extra payments, but it would at least get close.  (I also pay by check so there is a paper trail and the check comes with a note of the address of the property to it is very clear what it is for.) 

The one thing I worry about with my parents estate is that my mom has said I can have her charm bracelet (sister knows this and isn't thrilled, and has "jokingly" told me she will take one charm of her choice and then I can have it.  I am actually okay with that unless it is one specific charm, which means the most) and the hope chest my mother's mother bought mom when she turned 16.  Mom has made it clear to me, but not to sister, and I worry.  Neither item is especially valuable in the context of the estate amount, although I'd happy pay for the weight of the gold in the bracelet if that appeases my sister.  I expect her to be level-headed and reasonable, but do worry about these sentimental items.  I can't think of a good way to push my mom to make it clear, however, without coming off as greedy or insensitive. 

On the other hand, I consider myself very fortunate (and hope I'm right!) that this will likely be the worst of the inheritance issues. 

shadesofgreen

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2194 on: August 25, 2020, 01:15:52 PM »
I am dealing with drama but it has nothing to do with anyone Inheriting at the moment ---

My drama is that I am the executor for my Dad's estate who passed this year in late March.
I was also the executor after my Dad for my stepmom who passed 5 years ago in June.  I thought he did stuff -- not so much.

Due to Dad not probating K's will and how our state is I have to get Court Approval to sell the house because my stepmom's name was never taken off the house title. So basically I am executing both estates now. This just sucks in so many ways.

The house was supposed to go on the market today but I legally can't sell it until I am approved by the court for my stepmom. I have already been approved for my Dad but now it's a waiting game and I am just so ready to be done with this. We are still hoping that we get approval by the end of the week.

Things were held up due to lockdown and COVID. By like at least 2 months plus.

Dad's Lawyer who I initially used was beyond slow also uncommunicative and the paperwork didn't get to the court until after the 4th of July. I ended up having to call and say I wanted the will and the retainer before anything occurred.

I have now gotten a new lawyer which is how I am finding out tons of things that I did not know about before -- which is good but all the extra things (aka legal hoops) are really frustrating. I really wish I had used someone else initially but hindsight is 20/20.

So please be aware that if your spouse passes and their name is not taken off the title of the property there could be issues if you die and your Executor goes to sell the home. Laws my vary by state, etc.


geekette

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2195 on: August 25, 2020, 04:55:00 PM »
Speaking of Covid weirdness and houses - in January, we finally sold my FIL's house (he died 6 years ago).  Then apparently the county shut down, so the sale has not yet been officially recorded.  We got the tax bill and the insert said something like "if you've sold this property, please forward the tax bill to the new owner".  Thankfully, the new owner is a relative of DH and his sister, but I can see that being a bit awkward.

Another oddity is that the town sends the water bill to the property owner, not the occupant, so we've been forwarding those as well.

I look forward to finally being "finished" with the estate details!

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2196 on: August 28, 2020, 07:13:57 AM »
It may vary by state, but I sold a property in early April and received the tax statement for that property in July (with the same request that I "forward it to the new owner")

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2197 on: August 28, 2020, 07:37:56 AM »
It may vary by state, but I sold a property in early April and received the tax statement for that property in July (with the same request that I "forward it to the new owner")

That's ludicrously bad!

The deed should have been recorded within a business day -- and the deed should have the new owner's address of record.

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2198 on: August 28, 2020, 10:50:51 AM »
The deed was recorded--in NC, it's a requirement for the buyer to gain access to the property--but they're still mailing the former owner the tax statement.

geekette

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2199 on: August 28, 2020, 11:40:21 AM »
The deed was recorded--in NC, it's a requirement for the buyer to gain access to the property--but they're still mailing the former owner the tax statement.

And the damn water bill.