Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.

[SwordGuy]

So I've read the thread and have only very little to contribute until yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

Over 30 years ago I got divorced from an abusive, violent jerk. We've co-existed (him telling his family what a bitch I was, me putting my head down and pulling myself out of debt and not getting child support). We had 2 children, one of whom was disabled but I married a stellar stand up guy and moved on. I dealt with the once in a while visits and the excuses but it was a small price to pay for peace of mind.

3 years ago my former MIL passed away. We only found out because I google him on a regular basis to see if he's dead and her obituary came up. We're not talking about someone with a small life, if you googled her name you'd know that she was well known and respected in her field. No one bothered to tell my son or myself and we actually don't live that far away.

Yesterday my former SIL contacted my son and let him know that there was an inheritance. Her excuse for not letting him know earlier was that she couldn't find him or my daughter. There are only 8 people on the planet (trust me on this) with that last name and when I google him my address and phone number is the second hit. They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

They think we should be grateful for whatever we get and while I don't think inheritance is guaranteed they can't figure out why I seem to be ambivalent about $50,000. There's something to be said for not needing someone else's money.

Yeah, I would want to see the registered will.   Just in case your ex brow-beat your SIL and family into cheating your son out of more.   

And paying a lawyer to do it means you don't have to put up with their lies in person, if that's what happens.  Nor, necessarily, do you need to put up with them in person even if they are telling the truth, either.  :)

[saguaro]

So I've read the thread and have only very little to contribute until yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

Over 30 years ago I got divorced from an abusive, violent jerk. We've co-existed (him telling his family what a bitch I was, me putting my head down and pulling myself out of debt and not getting child support). We had 2 children, one of whom was disabled but I married a stellar stand up guy and moved on. I dealt with the once in a while visits and the excuses but it was a small price to pay for peace of mind.

3 years ago my former MIL passed away. We only found out because I google him on a regular basis to see if he's dead and her obituary came up. We're not talking about someone with a small life, if you googled her name you'd know that she was well known and respected in her field. No one bothered to tell my son or myself and we actually don't live that far away.

Yesterday my former SIL contacted my son and let him know that there was an inheritance. Her excuse for not letting him know earlier was that she couldn't find him or my daughter. There are only 8 people on the planet (trust me on this) with that last name and when I google him my address and phone number is the second hit. They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

They think we should be grateful for whatever we get and while I don't think inheritance is guaranteed they can't figure out why I seem to be ambivalent about $50,000. There's something to be said for not needing someone else's money.

Yeah, I would want to see the registered will.   Just in case your ex brow-beat your SIL and family into cheating your son out of more.   

And paying a lawyer to do it means you don't have to put up with their lies in person, if that's what happens.  Nor, necessarily, do you need to put up with them in person even if they are telling the truth, either.  :)

Chiming in because I am dealing with an estate situation where my youngest sister and I finally had to hire an attorney to represent our interests.   The whole "grateful for whatever you get" attitude, yep, know all about that. 

You want a copy of the will, it's crucial you see exactly what's in the legal document versus what your SIL is telling you.  She is expecting you to take her word for it.  Don't.

By having your attorney handle matters, in addition to not having to deal with them (and their lies) directly, it cuts through the BS by getting to the facts.  A competent attorney will have no use for any excuses or family drama or any other nonsense.

The fact they freaked out when you mentioned contacting your attorney is very telling.

[former player]

As well as seeing the will, you need to see proper audited accounts for the estate.

[Just Joe]

Family gave a $25k gift to a sibling, so now wants to consider the daughter living in their home at a rate of $2500/month "to make it fair."

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/my-frugal-31-year-old-daughter-is-living-at-home-while-she-pays-off-her-student-loan-isnt-that-the-equivalent-of-a-2500-monthly-gift-2019-11-06?mod=the-moneyist

Sounds like someone is counting up this stuff way before mom and dad are dead.

Easy solution is for the parents to just charge rent then.

$2500/month sounds more like market rate for an entire house, not a bedroom and common area access.

And a large, comfortable home with acreage in flyover country.

[Zoot]

They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

Allow me to echo the others' statements that you are absolutely doing the right thing by involving your attorney.  Please let us know how it goes--I'm very curious to know if your Spidey Senses are right about them trying to pull a fast one on you.

[honeybbq]

They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

Allow me to echo the others' statements that you are absolutely doing the right thing by involving your attorney.  Please let us know how it goes--I'm very curious to know if your Spidey Senses are right about them trying to pull a fast one on you.

I can't agree with the recommendations more. Consider it fiduciary responsibility to your son. Get the lawyer. Pay him or her to review ALL the estate/will documents.

[AMandM]

They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

Allow me to echo the others' statements that you are absolutely doing the right thing by involving your attorney.  Please let us know how it goes--I'm very curious to know if your Spidey Senses are right about them trying to pull a fast one on you.

While I agree with getting a lawyer to handle this, I'm curious as to why you are involved at all in an inheritance to your adult son.

[K-ice]

They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

I find it a bit odd you have two kids but only one was named in the will? I’m just curious why?

Depending on the will I wouldn’t get too carried away with a full audit.
If you son was named with a gift of $50,000 be sure he gets the $50,000 and move on.

If he was to inherit a percentage than it might take a lot more work.

I’ve also heard, but I could be wrong & I’m sure it’s state dependent, but benificiaries named for just gifts & not percentage may not even have the right to see the will. In most cases the executors will share freely regardless, but it sounds like they are already being secretive. 

[Fi(re) on the Farm]

They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

Allow me to echo the others' statements that you are absolutely doing the right thing by involving your attorney.  Please let us know how it goes--I'm very curious to know if your Spidey Senses are right about them trying to pull a fast one on you.

While I agree with getting a lawyer to handle this, I'm curious as to why you are involved at all in an inheritance to your adult son.

Just to clarify, both of my children were named but my daughter is disabled so I take care of all her affairs. I'm really fortunate, when I did my estate planning I set up a special needs trust for her so hopefully I can just do a trust to trust transfer. I work for 15 lawyers, and while they don't handle wills and trust currently, they've all giving me great advice. 15 years ago I would have taken whatever they were willing to give me but now I'm better educated and in a better financial position. My son's wife is extremely wealthy so while it's nice that his grandmother remembered him it's not going to change their standard of living. He's thinking a couple of nice vacations and maybe support some political candidates he backs.

I just never thought that I'd have anything to share here. Once you achieve FI it makes you feel a whole lot more powerful.

[talltexan]

Go get 'em!

My mother shared with me that her uncle (late '80's) claims to have made her the primary beneficiary, as he is estranged from his daughter.

Not enough money to really move the needle for anyone, but I'm hoping my mom doesn't roll over when the daughter inevitably challenges the will.

[Goldielocks]

I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

[SwordGuy]

I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

Having gone thru one funeral with my crazy-ass sister-in-law, I could fully understand why my wife and her two brothers might not tell their other sister about their mom's death until after the funeral.   Frankly, I could understand why they would let a lawyer's letter telling her how much we was inheriting be the first she heard of it -- particularly if (hopefully) the will disinherits her if she contests it.

Life's too short to volunteer to spend time with some people.

I wouldn't suggest they not tell their sister, and I don't think it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't blame them if they did it either.

[Goldielocks]

I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

Having gone thru one funeral with my crazy-ass sister-in-law, I could fully understand why my wife and her two brothers might not tell their other sister about their mom's death until after the funeral.   Frankly, I could understand why they would let a lawyer's letter telling her how much we was inheriting be the first she heard of it -- particularly if (hopefully) the will disinherits her if she contests it.

Life's too short to volunteer to spend time with some people.

I wouldn't suggest they not tell their sister, and I don't think it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't blame them if they did it either.

I get it.... you are describing waiting 2-3 weeks to send the news (by letter).   But what about NEVER telling?  Just Ghosting?

[Fi(re) on the Farm]

I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

Having gone thru one funeral with my crazy-ass sister-in-law, I could fully understand why my wife and her two brothers might not tell their other sister about their mom's death until after the funeral.   Frankly, I could understand why they would let a lawyer's letter telling her how much we was inheriting be the first she heard of it -- particularly if (hopefully) the will disinherits her if she contests it.

Life's too short to volunteer to spend time with some people.

I wouldn't suggest they not tell their sister, and I don't think it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't blame them if they did it either.

I get it.... you are describing waiting 2-3 weeks to send the news (by letter).   But what about NEVER telling?  Just Ghosting?

My ex-husband wanted to have my son be a clone of him and he wasn't so ex-husband pretty much cut off all ties about 12 years ago. I don't understand not telling my son about his grandmother who he had a relationship with.

[SwordGuy]

I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

Having gone thru one funeral with my crazy-ass sister-in-law, I could fully understand why my wife and her two brothers might not tell their other sister about their mom's death until after the funeral.   Frankly, I could understand why they would let a lawyer's letter telling her how much we was inheriting be the first she heard of it -- particularly if (hopefully) the will disinherits her if she contests it.

Life's too short to volunteer to spend time with some people.

I wouldn't suggest they not tell their sister, and I don't think it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't blame them if they did it either.

I get it.... you are describing waiting 2-3 weeks to send the news (by letter).   But what about NEVER telling?  Just Ghosting?

My ex-husband wanted to have my son be a clone of him and he wasn't so ex-husband pretty much cut off all ties about 12 years ago. I don't understand not telling my son about his grandmother who he had a relationship with.

Yeah, that's pretty tacky.

[msWNM]

  I'm the oldest of seven children.We were Holiday celebrating loving family. My Father was hardworking all his life and as a family, we worked the family publishing business growing up.
        All families have ups and downs but we truly experienced pure evil in one younger brother. An absolute Narcissistic sociopath. We had joked he was the Charlie Sheen personality, but it came out it a demonic cunning plot.The worse thing was he was working with the family attorney, who had drawn up the family trust. My Dad had planned and worked very diligently on this.Todd wanted to be Trustee.No one objected because all he had to do was what my father instructed. Wrong so wrong. MY father got very ill, after a visit, my daughter and I were served with restraining orders for elder abuse. I'm a pediatric HH specialty RN, I lost my state bonding and could no longer work. my daughter was right in the middle of planning her Wedding. The older brother who worked the business until it sold and then made a success out of the Industrial complex investment. Todd moved in took his position. Todd wasn't satisfied with his portion of the LLC, so he took money from the trust deposited into my account and sent out a letter saying I was no longer in the partnership.
the attorney supported all these actions. Six days after my fathers death, he was removed from dialysis, my brothers decision. My siblings and myself received a letter stating we and our children and children's children were to be considered dead. Disinherited. This new update occurred 129 days prior to my father's death.
       My brother is evil. The attorney, was an eye opener, he lied from the restraining orders, to how much the Estate was worth, to things about our life, he was an outright crook. It feels good to vent because going through the legal process was frustrating. I was told the truth doesn't matter. People lie all the time. The Judicial system, political and financial system in our country all need to be overhauled and brought down to grassroots.
      The Evil bro isn't happy. The rest of the family has formed their own family units with grandchildren.
      The Dirty John attorney still practices ,hopefully, he has some regrets but I doubt it.
       I'm doing Ok. Feels good to vent. It seems criminal two men could do so much damage and walk away with 50 million. My brother still complains about death taxes to my mom.

[RWTL]

  I'm the oldest of seven children.We were Holiday celebrating loving family. My Father was hardworking all his life and as a family, we worked the family publishing business growing up.
        All families have ups and downs but we truly experienced pure evil in one younger brother. An absolute Narcissistic sociopath. We had joked he was the Charlie Sheen personality, but it came out it a demonic cunning plot.The worse thing was he was working with the family attorney, who had drawn up the family trust. My Dad had planned and worked very diligently on this.Todd wanted to be Trustee.No one objected because all he had to do was what my father instructed. Wrong so wrong. MY father got very ill, after a visit, my daughter and I were served with restraining orders for elder abuse. I'm a pediatric HH specialty RN, I lost my state bonding and could no longer work. my daughter was right in the middle of planning her Wedding. The older brother who worked the business until it sold and then made a success out of the Industrial complex investment. Todd moved in took his position. Todd wasn't satisfied with his portion of the LLC, so he took money from the trust deposited into my account and sent out a letter saying I was no longer in the partnership.
the attorney supported all these actions. Six days after my fathers death, he was removed from dialysis, my brothers decision. My siblings and myself received a letter stating we and our children and children's children were to be considered dead. Disinherited. This new update occurred 129 days prior to my father's death.
       My brother is evil. The attorney, was an eye opener, he lied from the restraining orders, to how much the Estate was worth, to things about our life, he was an outright crook. It feels good to vent because going through the legal process was frustrating. I was told the truth doesn't matter. People lie all the time. The Judicial system, political and financial system in our country all need to be overhauled and brought down to grassroots.
      The Evil bro isn't happy. The rest of the family has formed their own family units with grandchildren.
      The Dirty John attorney still practices ,hopefully, he has some regrets but I doubt it.
       I'm doing Ok. Feels good to vent. It seems criminal two men could do so much damage and walk away with 50 million. My brother still complains about death taxes to my mom.

Do you have your own attorney?  It's a bit hard to follow, but sounds devastating.

[trashtalk]

  I'm the oldest of seven children.We were Holiday celebrating loving family. My Father was hardworking all his life and as a family, we worked the family publishing business growing up.
        All families have ups and downs but we truly experienced pure evil in one younger brother. An absolute Narcissistic sociopath. We had joked he was the Charlie Sheen personality, but it came out it a demonic cunning plot.The worse thing was he was working with the family attorney, who had drawn up the family trust. My Dad had planned and worked very diligently on this.Todd wanted to be Trustee.No one objected because all he had to do was what my father instructed. Wrong so wrong. MY father got very ill, after a visit, my daughter and I were served with restraining orders for elder abuse. I'm a pediatric HH specialty RN, I lost my state bonding and could no longer work. my daughter was right in the middle of planning her Wedding. The older brother who worked the business until it sold and then made a success out of the Industrial complex investment. Todd moved in took his position. Todd wasn't satisfied with his portion of the LLC, so he took money from the trust deposited into my account and sent out a letter saying I was no longer in the partnership.
the attorney supported all these actions. Six days after my fathers death, he was removed from dialysis, my brothers decision. My siblings and myself received a letter stating we and our children and children's children were to be considered dead. Disinherited. This new update occurred 129 days prior to my father's death.
       My brother is evil. The attorney, was an eye opener, he lied from the restraining orders, to how much the Estate was worth, to things about our life, he was an outright crook. It feels good to vent because going through the legal process was frustrating. I was told the truth doesn't matter. People lie all the time. The Judicial system, political and financial system in our country all need to be overhauled and brought down to grassroots.
      The Evil bro isn't happy. The rest of the family has formed their own family units with grandchildren.
      The Dirty John attorney still practices ,hopefully, he has some regrets but I doubt it.
       I'm doing Ok. Feels good to vent. It seems criminal two men could do so much damage and walk away with 50 million. My brother still complains about death taxes to my mom.

I caught my breath as soon as I saw the word narcissist. I'm so sorry. I would recommend a therapist as much as an attorney. There are also some helpful books and websites.

I'm so so sorry.

[Cb1234567]

I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

Really ask yourself if it's worth the effort and strife to do this.  What would happen if you took the stuff you wanted and looked after the truly valuable items (let's say anything over $1000) and let her pillage the rest?  You would likely end up a couple thousand dollars less well-off.  You will have inherited a couple thousand dollars less.  (And that's if she makes off with $4000 worth of stuff, which is quite a lot when we are talking only low value items--used furnishing and keepsakes.)  But you will save yourself the headache and the heartache.  And the time.  Why?  So she doesn't get to "win" by maybe a couple thousand dollars?  Yes, it's messed up that [if] she would do that.  But digging in your heels over a relatively small amount of money seems awfully stubborn, and likely to cause you much unnecessary anguish.  It seems to me like it would be much better to draw a healthy boundary that is somewhere a bit away from "exactly 50/50, even for knick knacks and used furniture".  Protect that boundary, and let her indulge her ugliness and greed up to that line.

Do not underestimate the value of having looney toons people remove items that will otherwise need to be disposed of. At my dads house, I very sincerely encouraged my sister to take anything she might want -just in case... the more I could get her to take, the less I had to deal with.

[Cb1234567]

I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

That sounds awful. Hopefully the RVs will be long gone, and hopefully they actually put their assets into the trust and have kept it updated.

If they still have an RV, I bet there are some interesting ways to sabotage it...

[Dave1442397]

I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

That sounds awful. Hopefully the RVs will be long gone, and hopefully they actually put their assets into the trust and have kept it updated.

If they still have an RV, I bet there are some interesting ways to sabotage it...

From what I hear about RVs, sabotage is built in. It's the modern equivalent of inheriting a white elephant.

[scottish]

On the bright side, they  put you in charge, rather than your sister.

[shelivesthedream]

On the bright side, they  put you in charge, rather than your sister.

Ugh, but now she has to be The Mean One Who Says No or just roll over and take it.

[mtn]

The original comment was about a year ago and since then I asked the folks if my sister knew she was not on the trust.  They said she does not know.  They said they are sure I would distribute her half equally to her when the time comes, they know I will do the right thing.  They are not up for the drama of telling her now and frankly neither am I.  I can be the meany later.   

So again I will pray they live at least another 20 years and have sold off the big stuff by then.  I am starting to think they might get rid of the massive RV well before they are gone because it is one of those Holiday Rambler jumbo jobbers that they will soon not be able to handle anyway with advancing age.  Already I don't think they have taken it out in the last 3 years due to knee replacements so perhaps it will be gone within another 5 years and if not I will make the suggestion along the way.   

I let them know that as far as "stuff" I expect my sister to come in and do the mad grab but that I would be reasonable and not make a huge deal about that and just account generally for it.  Big stuff will be itemized out of her cash balance.  They agreed that is a good approach.   I agree as Cb noted above, having her kids swarm the place removing all the tchotkies and pure volume of things will be nicer than having to haul it out myself.   

During that conversation I asked for a specific Pyrex bowl that I have known my whole life and so Mom has now given it to me.  I let Dad know that out of the huge workshop of tools and power equipment, all I want is the hammer he built our house with back in 1972.  He thought that was wonderful.  I think our talk confirmed that they chose the right daughter to handle their legacy.   
 

My unsolicited advice: If the Holiday Rambler is still around when they pass, just give it to your sister. The value of the RV will likely not make much of any impact on your net worth, and the headache won't be worth it. You'd be giving her a white elephant that she thinks she wants.

[SwordGuy]

The original comment was about a year ago and since then I asked the folks if my sister knew she was not on the trust.  They said she does not know.  They said they are sure I would distribute her half equally to her when the time comes, they know I will do the right thing.  They are not up for the drama of telling her now and frankly neither am I.  I can be the meany later.   

So again I will pray they live at least another 20 years and have sold off the big stuff by then.  I am starting to think they might get rid of the massive RV well before they are gone because it is one of those Holiday Rambler jumbo jobbers that they will soon not be able to handle anyway with advancing age.  Already I don't think they have taken it out in the last 3 years due to knee replacements so perhaps it will be gone within another 5 years and if not I will make the suggestion along the way.   

I let them know that as far as "stuff" I expect my sister to come in and do the mad grab but that I would be reasonable and not make a huge deal about that and just account generally for it.  Big stuff will be itemized out of her cash balance.  They agreed that is a good approach.   I agree as Cb noted above, having her kids swarm the place removing all the tchotkies and pure volume of things will be nicer than having to haul it out myself.   

During that conversation I asked for a specific Pyrex bowl that I have known my whole life and so Mom has now given it to me.  I let Dad know that out of the huge workshop of tools and power equipment, all I want is the hammer he built our house with back in 1972.  He thought that was wonderful.  I think our talk confirmed that they chose the right daughter to handle their legacy.   
 

My unsolicited advice: If the Holiday Rambler is still around when they pass, just give it to your sister. The value of the RV will likely not make much of any impact on your net worth, and the headache won't be worth it. You'd be giving her a white elephant that she thinks she wants.

That's very good advice.

So is never rewarding bad behavior.

It takes wisdom and situational knowledge to know which of these to pick from.

[mtn]

I think I've posted this before, but I'm worried about this in what is hopefully my distant future.

My inlaws have about 5-25 years left to live. Really no way of knowing, I would not be shocked if they both pass within 5 years and I would not be shocked if they both live another 25 years. My wife has one sibling. This sibling is 34-36 (I forget), has been unemployed for approximately 1/2 of their adult life, and delusional. Not to get political, but sibling is a Trump Supporter through and through who blames EVERYTHING on the democrats despite having been on unemployment more than anyone I know. Has lived alone away from parents for a total of roughly 3 years in two separate stints since graduating from college. Somehow despite parents paying for just about everything, sibling is in debt way past his eyeballs.

Sibling is an expert in everything, despite not knowing anything. Seriously, you could have written the book on Random Topic, and this sibling will start talking like he knows everything about it and knows exactly what the problems are with it. It is fun to start the topic of conversation on something you know you know a lot about, just to see where it goes. For example, I started it on Harry Potter one time. Sibling went on a rant about how JK Rowling fucked up her investments and ruined her reputation by not letting Disney take over the franchise and Universal Studios fucked up the rides and on and on spewing BS like you wouldn't believe. Most of it is nonsensical, the rest could make sense as a theory IF it was uttered as "I personally think that XYZ happened, and this is what the result is/will be. Obviously I don't know all of the details, but from what I can tell I'm making this conclusion". But instead sibling preaches it like gospel. Huh, you'd think if sibling was such an expert in everything she'd/he'd have started a business and be a millionaire. The most infuriating thing about it is that sibling would be the worlds best car salesperson, no joke - personable, you don't realize how full of shit they are until you've spent enough time with them, good looking, a good closer... but they're so image conscious that they think being a car salesperson is below them.

Anyways, after that letting off steam... my in-laws to my knowledge have no will. Likely will not be necessary as I anticipate that medical care will eat through their entire estate, whatever there is of it. But my FIL had mentioned that he was going to leave the house and the boat and the cars 50/50 to my wife and her sibling. I said "Do not do that, you don't want to leave anything but cash to wife and sibling." Hopefully he'll have listened. The other thing? My wife NEEDS to be the executor of the estate. Sibling-in-law would mess it up. Unintentionally (he legitimately is a good person, and generous), but still does not have the aptitude to do it. If my wife isn't, I'm sure that Sibling-in-law will end up with everything and blow it all and somehow blame it on my wife (despite being a good person, sibling is an idiot). Frankly, it should be me as I can balance a check book, but I'm not having that argument.

I anticipate that once one of them dies, the other will need to be in an assisted living facility. What that means for my sibling-in-law who hasn't paid rent in years, I don't know. But we're not going to bail sibling out. Can't do it. Not our circus, not our monkeys. Happy to help out. Happy to help someone stand up. Not going to let them live an extravagant lifestyle though.

Compare this to my parents... They've got everything set up, probably will live for another 10-35 years, have named me the executor for financial stuff and sibling 1 the executor for health-related stuff, with sibling 2 the first backup for both. Dad has showed me all of his accounts, all of moms accounts, and the steps to take when it is necessary. They've been consolidating accounts to where it will be as easy as possible, the only potential question is their vacation property which I've recommended they sell before they pass - that decision will be many years down the road though.

[mtn]

The original comment was about a year ago and since then I asked the folks if my sister knew she was not on the trust.  They said she does not know.  They said they are sure I would distribute her half equally to her when the time comes, they know I will do the right thing.  They are not up for the drama of telling her now and frankly neither am I.  I can be the meany later.   

So again I will pray they live at least another 20 years and have sold off the big stuff by then.  I am starting to think they might get rid of the massive RV well before they are gone because it is one of those Holiday Rambler jumbo jobbers that they will soon not be able to handle anyway with advancing age.  Already I don't think they have taken it out in the last 3 years due to knee replacements so perhaps it will be gone within another 5 years and if not I will make the suggestion along the way.   

I let them know that as far as "stuff" I expect my sister to come in and do the mad grab but that I would be reasonable and not make a huge deal about that and just account generally for it.  Big stuff will be itemized out of her cash balance.  They agreed that is a good approach.   I agree as Cb noted above, having her kids swarm the place removing all the tchotkies and pure volume of things will be nicer than having to haul it out myself.   

During that conversation I asked for a specific Pyrex bowl that I have known my whole life and so Mom has now given it to me.  I let Dad know that out of the huge workshop of tools and power equipment, all I want is the hammer he built our house with back in 1972.  He thought that was wonderful.  I think our talk confirmed that they chose the right daughter to handle their legacy.   
 

My unsolicited advice: If the Holiday Rambler is still around when they pass, just give it to your sister. The value of the RV will likely not make much of any impact on your net worth, and the headache won't be worth it. You'd be giving her a white elephant that she thinks she wants.

That's very good advice.

So is never rewarding bad behavior.

It takes wisdom and situational knowledge to know which of these to pick from.

I agree, but you have to ask yourself if rewarding this bad behavior would change anything. Most likely the only thing that it is changing is reducing Miss Nancy's inheritance by about $5k to $100k, most likely it would be reducing it about $35k, but also reducing a gigantic headache in the form of a rapidly depreciating asset (liability?) that she does NOT want anything to do with, but sister does. In the grand scheme, that $35k probably is not worth fighting over. Especially if she gets ahead of it and says "Hey Sis, you wanted the RV, right? I don't want anything to do with it, lets add that to your inheritance and we won't worry about it any further". Buys goodwill when going forward with the rest of the headaches.

[markbike528CBX]

The RV is worth about 50K right now, it is the luxury bus version.  If everything was set in motion now it would never be simply handed over to my sister like some dusty couch just to avoid expected drama.   

She can have it but $50K is coming off her side, maybe I would allow for a little grace and say less than that since I would have avoided the hassle of disposing of it. 

This is no drama at all and I don't understand why the default is to look the other way.  Accounting for it makes total sense.  If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

This is not about what impact it has to my net worth, it is about dividing things roughly equally to abide by their wishes. 

If the thing is still sitting there in 20 years I would probably see it differently but right now it is their 2nd largest physical asset after their home.   

I would suggest a Plan to let the sister have it (at future current trade-in value). However, put up a token resistance so she thinks she's "gotten something over" on you. You can then be gracious.

[Dicey]

My brother and I are co-executors and co-trustees for our parent's not-large estate. [Long, boring drama omitted.] We have finally decided to close the last remaining account, as we believe everything has been accounted for.

As is often the case in families of any size, there is a Black Sheep. In our case a sister, aka BSS. She has tortured our brother in this estate process, so all communication is now through me. She is canny and manipulative, so I keep contact to an absolute minimum.

I created a card with a picture of our parents, wrote a final note as Co-E/Co-T, enclosed the check, and addressed the envelopes. Brother suspected BSS had moved, so last Friday, I texted her to confirm her address. She replied that the address I have is wrong, but refused to provide a new one. She demanded to know why. I didn't bite, just said I needed it to send some estate stuff to everyone and was trying to get it in the mail that day. No answer. Another text. No answer. So, fuck her, I mailed out everyone else's check and left her unaddressed envelope on my desk. I figured when she heard about the check from someone else, she'd respond. Nope. I called my brother to see if he'd received his check. I explained what was going on with BSS and he offered to ask her again via text. She responded to him and he forwarded a new address. I sent her card + check out the next day. Ironic that the one who "needs" it the most, got hers last.

Last night, DH and I were chatting. He wondered if she had given her real address. I wondered why it mattered...

The last of the entrusted money was in a bank with no branches in my brother's state. Luckily, there is a branch in my city, so I offered to complete the task. In order to close the account and not worry about fees or interest generating if someone didn't cash it promptly (see bracketed comment above), the banker suggested issuing individual Cashier's Checks, which is what I did. I didn't give it another thought, as it was only $1k per person...

DH pointed out that it's a lot easier to forge a Cashier's Check, and that's exactly what I had mailed to an address that may or may not be where BSS actually lives. Oh, well.

It is finally done. What a fucking relief.

[iris lily]

The RV is worth about 50K right now, it is the luxury bus version.  If everything was set in motion now it would never be simply handed over to my sister like some dusty couch just to avoid expected drama.   

She can have it but $50K is coming off her side, maybe I would allow for a little grace and say less than that since I would have avoided the hassle of disposing of it. 

This is no drama at all and I don't understand why the default is to look the other way.  Accounting for it makes total sense.  If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

This is not about what impact it has to my net worth, it is about dividing things roughly equally to abide by their wishes. 

If the thing is still sitting there in 20 years I would probably see it differently but right now it is their 2nd largest physical asset after their home.   

Yesterday DH received an email from his “black sheep” sister concerning her hurt feelings about distribution of their dad’s estate. I think I will tell him to respond to her “ boo fucking hoo.”

Haha.

[Dicey]

The RV is worth about 50K right now, it is the luxury bus version.  If everything was set in motion now it would never be simply handed over to my sister like some dusty couch just to avoid expected drama.   

She can have it but $50K is coming off her side, maybe I would allow for a little grace and say less than that since I would have avoided the hassle of disposing of it. 

This is no drama at all and I don't understand why the default is to look the other way.  Accounting for it makes total sense.  If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

This is not about what impact it has to my net worth, it is about dividing things roughly equally to abide by their wishes. 

If the thing is still sitting there in 20 years I would probably see it differently but right now it is their 2nd largest physical asset after their home.   

Yesterday DH received an email from his “black sheep” sister concerning her hurt feelings about distribution of their dad’s estate. I think I will tell him to respond to her “ boo fucking hoo.”

Haha.

+1. I love "boo fucking hoo" and am looking forward to appropriating it, with MNP's permission.

[Villanelle]

The RV is worth about 50K right now, it is the luxury bus version.  If everything was set in motion now it would never be simply handed over to my sister like some dusty couch just to avoid expected drama.   

She can have it but $50K is coming off her side, maybe I would allow for a little grace and say less than that since I would have avoided the hassle of disposing of it. 

This is no drama at all and I don't understand why the default is to look the other way.  Accounting for it makes total sense.  If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

This is not about what impact it has to my net worth, it is about dividing things roughly equally to abide by their wishes. 

If the thing is still sitting there in 20 years I would probably see it differently but right now it is their 2nd largest physical asset after their home.   

I agree.  It's not worth it for a $12 used pot set or even, IMO, a $100 box of tools.  But for a $50,000?  They way I'd likely handle that with a reasonable sibling is to research and if I thought I (the estate) could truly walk away with $50,000 in hand, I'd say that for $45,000 toward her share of the estate she could have it if she wanted it, to save the work of doing the sale.  Or I'd get quotes, if it wasn't too much of a pain, for used RV dealers and then knock a bit off that.  She could take it or leave it.

But she would have to get it transferred into her name quickly (say, 30 days max). 

And it's probably what I'd do with an unreasonable sister as well.  Saving myself the headache as the executor would be worth something. But not worth giving away a $50,000 asset.

[bluebelle]

The RV is worth about 50K right now, it is the luxury bus version.  If everything was set in motion now it would never be simply handed over to my sister like some dusty couch just to avoid expected drama.   

She can have it but $50K is coming off her side, maybe I would allow for a little grace and say less than that since I would have avoided the hassle of disposing of it. 

This is no drama at all and I don't understand why the default is to look the other way.  Accounting for it makes total sense.  If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

This is not about what impact it has to my net worth, it is about dividing things roughly equally to abide by their wishes. 

If the thing is still sitting there in 20 years I would probably see it differently but right now it is their 2nd largest physical asset after their home.   

Yesterday DH received an email from his “black sheep” sister concerning her hurt feelings about distribution of their dad’s estate. I think I will tell him to respond to her “ boo fucking hoo.”

Haha.

I don't have a black sheep sibling, so I don't have hard feelings yet....and it's none of my business, but does she have any valid reason to be hurt?  was the estate not divided evenly?

[MissNancyPryor]

If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

Yesterday DH received an email from his “black sheep” sister concerning her hurt feelings about distribution of their dad’s estate. I think I will tell him to respond to her “ boo fucking hoo.”

Haha.

+1. I love "boo fucking hoo" and am looking forward to appropriating it, with MNP's permission.

For sure!  Feels good to say, doesn't it.       

[saguaro]

If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

Yesterday DH received an email from his “black sheep” sister concerning her hurt feelings about distribution of their dad’s estate. I think I will tell him to respond to her “ boo fucking hoo.”

Haha.

+1. I love "boo fucking hoo" and am looking forward to appropriating it, with MNP's permission.

For sure!  Feels good to say, doesn't it.   

I am expecting to say it when I close on my parents' home next week (I am a Special Trustee, appointed to the task of selling my parents' home) and send the proceeds statement to my sister who is The Executor Who Dragged Everything Out. She delegated sole and absolute discretion to me to sell the house,  so while I have kept her in the loop regarding basic information regarding the sale (price, process, dates) I have not gone into the nitty gritty details at every turn.   I expect to get a grilling over the financial details and how "we could have made more money" and how hurt she is that I didn't, in that ever repeating phrase she loves to use, "didn't do enough".   

[saguaro]

  She didn't do any cleaning up of the cars, boat, or house, nor held the garage sale to liquidate the small stuff, nor did she do the maintenance and yard care all summer to keep the house in show-ready shape, but she was very willing to sit on her ample ass and declare that her brother had settled for far too little for every item.  Every item, every time, argued ad nauseam about what he should have done instead.  Her best move was to act like she was going to withhold her signature from the title transfer items, playing a power move with passive aggressive glee.  It was truly a horrible time.

Executor sister, who has worked on the estate and keeping up the house but is stalling every chance she gets, has constantly complained throughout the whole process about needing help from us only to get it and complain about the results, second guessing to the nth degree afterward.    She delegated getting rid of my parents' timeshare to my youngest sister, who got it done only to complain about how long it took and what sister should have done instead.   She delegated to me the task of getting rid of most of my parents' books to a bookseller, getting some money for them only to complain how disappointed she was in the amount of money we got and we should have done something else.  She complained about the estate sale people that they didn't do enough to sell everything, how much we got, etc.    It's been a constant refrain from her.    It's like all the help we have given (and I won't go into the many times we have offered to do more, only for those offers to be either refused or ignored) and she negates the whole effort with her second guessing and complaining. 

The only good thing here is that I am the designated seller for the house, with sole authority and discreation, so she doesn't get to sign anything.  But I have to tread very carefully in getting information from her necessary for the sale and avoid the intensive questioning, arguments and second guessing everything. 

[Dicey]

OMG, I was talking to my brother this morning. He does not follow this forum. He said, "Whatever you do, never, ever name more than one person to be your Executor or Trustee. Sure, have a successor, but never a Co-Anything." My parents named my sisters for Medical and my brother and me for Financial. My sisters are night and day. One's a spendthrift (aka BSS above) and the other has frugal chops. There was so much conflict! I could go on for pages, but I don't want to relive it.

Take my brother's wise advice, people!

[TVRodriguez]

OMG, I was talking to my brother this morning. He does not follow this forum. He said, "Whatever you do, never, ever name more than one person to be your Executor or Trustee. Sure, have a successor, but never a Co-Anything." My parents named my sisters for Medical and my brother and me for Financial. My sisters are night and day. One's a spendthrift (aka BSS above) and the other has frugal chops. There was so much conflict! I could go on for pages, but I don't want to relive it.

Take my brother's wise advice, people!

Your brother is indeed wise. 

I worked on a trust litigation once where there were five, count them, five co-trustees.  Three of them were also beneficiaries.  Any wonder why it ended up in litigation?

I have seen co-trustees work well together, but needing only one signature is definitely easier.

[SwordGuy]

Yep.  If you can't handle only assigning one person to be the executor (or none of them are good choices), then hire it out.   The person who is hired won't give a damn about all the chickenshit childishness, rapaciousness and greed.    They'll just do their job and let the chips fall where they may.

[iris lily]

OMG, I was talking to my brother this morning. He does not follow this forum. He said, "Whatever you do, never, ever name more than one person to be your Executor or Trustee. Sure, have a successor, but never a Co-Anything." My parents named my sisters for Medical and my brother and me for Financial. My sisters are night and day. One's a spendthrift (aka BSS above) and the other has frugal chops. There was so much conflict! I could go on for pages, but I don't want to relive it.

Take my brother's wise advice, people!

We named  two people as executors BUT they each can act independently. So, if one wants to sell our house for whatever money, he can do it! We did this because we didn’t want each to have to check with the other on small decisions.
All have common sense.

But that said, it is certainly possible that one of them drops out of the role of executor, and that would be fine too if there is too much friction.

[iris lily]

The RV is worth about 50K right now, it is the luxury bus version.  If everything was set in motion now it would never be simply handed over to my sister like some dusty couch just to avoid expected drama.   

She can have it but $50K is coming off her side, maybe I would allow for a little grace and say less than that since I would have avoided the hassle of disposing of it. 

This is no drama at all and I don't understand why the default is to look the other way.  Accounting for it makes total sense.  If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

This is not about what impact it has to my net worth, it is about dividing things roughly equally to abide by their wishes. 

If the thing is still sitting there in 20 years I would probably see it differently but right now it is their 2nd largest physical asset after their home.   

Yesterday DH received an email from his “black sheep” sister concerning her hurt feelings about distribution of their dad’s estate. I think I will tell him to respond to her “ boo fucking hoo.”

Haha.

I don't have a black sheep sibling, so I don't have hard feelings yet....and it's none of my business, but does she have any valid reason to be hurt?  was the estate not divided evenly?

If you don’t have a black sheep sibling, you probably ARE the black sheep sib. Haha!

But about DH’s sis: yes she has some room to complain However her biggest complaint is about items and money which were disbursed by her father before he died because THEY WERE HIS TO DISPOSE OF AS HE WISHED!

She thinks everything in the family trust is to be divided evenly among she and her siblings. Sure, now that their dad is dead that happens.

 So complaining to her siblings is silly because they didn’t give away the stuff OR the money.

She could legitimately complain about some items Totaling under $1,000
, but that against a multi-million estate is petty.

[frugalecon]

I dread my mom’s passing. Mainly because I absolutely adore her, but secondarily because she and my (now-deceased) father made me and my two siblings co-executors and, to make matters worse, co-owners on a transfer on death deed for their house. And one of my sisters has resided in said house for > 30 years, and will be very tough to dislodge, despite being completely incapable of caring for said house. She hasn’t even done her own laundry in > 30 years. (Can you imagine having your 83-year-old mother doing your laundry?) Reading these stories doesn’t make me feel better.

[SwordGuy]

I dread my mom’s passing. Mainly because I absolutely adore her, but secondarily because she and my (now-deceased) father made me and my two siblings co-executors and, to make matters worse, co-owners on a transfer on death deed for their house. And one of my sisters has resided in said house for > 30 years, and will be very tough to dislodge, despite being completely incapable of caring for said house. She hasn’t even done her own laundry in > 30 years. (Can you imagine having your 83-year-old mother doing your laundry?) Reading these stories doesn’t make me feel better.

It may be tough for you to decide to do it, but I'm pretty sure that legally it's quite straightforward.

https://www.lawyers.com/ask-a-lawyer/trusts-estates/can-a-family-owned-property-be-sold-without-one-members-consent-1641374.html

I bought a house like this last fall, one of several heirs went to the court and the court forced a sale.

[Dancin'Dog]

OMG, I was talking to my brother this morning. He does not follow this forum. He said, "Whatever you do, never, ever name more than one person to be your Executor or Trustee. Sure, have a successor, but never a Co-Anything." My parents named my sisters for Medical and my brother and me for Financial. My sisters are night and day. One's a spendthrift (aka BSS above) and the other has frugal chops. There was so much conflict! I could go on for pages, but I don't want to relive it.

Take my brother's wise advice, people!

Ditto on that! 

[Villanelle]

It amazes me that people care that much if they aren't an executor.  I suppose I can understand that somewhat if you truly don't trust the other party.  But outside that, why?

My parents have informed my sister and me that she is their executor.  When they told me that, I felt relieved for myself and a little bit of sympathy for her.  It's a shit job; why would I want it? She gets an extra 1% of the estate, which in this case will not be inconsequential money (well into 5 figures), and I still feel like I will be getting the better deal. 

[Captain FIRE]

True.  My folks asked me to be executor of their estate (in large part due to my profession).  I said I'd be happy to - but knowing from my Trusts & Estates class that this can be a hot button issue that tears families apart, I asked if they were sure my older sibling wasn't expecting/wanting to be it (due to her older sibling status)?  They checked with her, found out she did want it, and decided to go with her instead also because she lives an hour closer and she too has a good professional experience for it (accounting).  Wouldn't have suggested if I didn't trust her, but it's nice not to have to do the work!  (I anticipate I'd help out though.)

Ultimately they decided to have her primary executor, with me secondary, me primary for health care proxy (I have some academic experience here), and my brother secondary, and something else I forget that my brother was primary on and my sister secondary.

[AMandM]

It amazes me that people care that much if they aren't an executor.

Me too. My father has named my husband as executor, and none of us daughters can figure out why. I'm the only married one. Is this a weird manifestation of sexism? (Uniikely given his general attitude to women) Is it a desire not to pick one child over the others?
Anyway, DH has already told him he'll refuse and ask that my sister--the one who lives in the same country as my father, has experience with the legal system there, and is fluent in the language--be appointed instead.

[Villanelle]

It amazes me that people care that much if they aren't an executor.

Me too. My father has named my husband as executor, and none of us daughters can figure out why. I'm the only married one. Is this a weird manifestation of sexism? (Uniikely given his general attitude to women) Is it a desire not to pick one child over the others?
Anyway, DH has already told him he'll refuse and ask that my sister--the one who lives in the same country as my father, has experience with the legal system there, and is fluent in the language--be appointed instead.

My sister (only sibling) and her husband have named my husband executor.  I can tell you her thinking.  The obvious choices were her only sibling (me) or her husband's only sibling.  I think there was some tension about that, so they avoided it by picking neither.  Now, in my mind picking my husband seems about the same as picking me in this scenario, if they are worried about the appearance of favoritism, but it worked for them to break the impasse.  (It's entirely possible that my sister was to kind to say this, but also thinks I'm a flake and wouldn't do a good job.  You will always be to your family who you were when you were 16, apparently!)   They asked husband and me if it was okay, and we agreed.

So I wonder if it is something like that?  Or perhaps they want not to have to burden you with it when you are dealing with a loss that will be less emotional for your husband?

But having someone who speaks the local language and lives in-country does seem to make the most sense! 

[20957]

When my grandparents died my aunt met a neighbor who was "willing to do them (the heirs) a favor" and "take the house off their hands" for a "very good price". My aunt was totally snowed by this guy and couldn't believe that someone so nice might not be totally honest about the market for a house in this extremely desirable neighborhood. My father, who is in a real estate-adjacent field and was executor, put some money into updating the house over my aunt's strong objections, and sold it for a lot more. Despite the extra money to her my aunt was still pretty mad for a while at my dad being so mean to this nice guy.

The sort-of funny thing is, some years later another relative died and left the two of them her house, and the exact same thing happened. My aunt, who at this point hasn't bought or sold a house on her own in 30 years, is sure the number a random guy offered her is totally fair and the best they can get, and my dad is totally wrong and mean to say no. Of course they sold it for considerably more a few months later after updating the kitchen and painting the walls. Eyeroll. It's just frustrating because the local market is so hot, and the idea that a seller should be desperate is so absurd, and anyone who pays the least bit of attention should know that.

[MissNancyPryor]

"The nicest guy" is such a dangerous dude when it comes to that stuff.  My in-laws were often suckers for the handsome young man in the nice suit and got sucked into some crap.  Especially if the guy had pictures of his kids to show.  Everyone was their instant best friend and they would have fallen for that sort of thing you describe.  They were nice people, too nice, and it made them a mark.   

After they died it was a hot second before their neighbors were cruising around looking for an angle, for a deal, for some gimme. One guy was really pissed off that we would not allow him to park his car in the empty garage, you know, because no one was using it.  He thought we were completely unreasonable and almost as if it was his right.