Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 848612 times)

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1900 on: October 24, 2019, 03:43:00 PM »
We let him know never to count on receiving anything for his retirement plans because stuff happens.   He'll likely get a substantial amount but there's never a guarantee.  One or two bad injuries or lingering illnesses and that money could get sucked away for medical care.

Good on you. I have a parent who told me never to worry about retirement b/c inheritance. Terrible advice. They may or may not have enough money to see them through this life. That last chapter can be very expensive.

Don't know if my parent was testing their powers and influence over me that day or they were just blind to the true costs of old age.

I was quite naive at the time and thought to myself - "OH GOODY!" - and fortunately the reality of the situation dawned on me weeks later and I continued to save-save-save. I'm a slow learner... ;)

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1901 on: October 24, 2019, 03:46:59 PM »
From what we hear, SIL is panicking because she didn't expect her parents to live this long, and her DH is still working at nearly age 69 to make up for spending down his retirement account earlier.

I am so grateful that I can be happy my father is living a long time.

My Dad passed at 90 and my Mom a couple of years before but my attitude was that if they could live a good life as long as possible then great.  Their money was there to attend to their needs and if we had to run through it to take care of them, then that is what we had to do.  While they did leave a house and some money, I see it as a bonus and I never, no pun intended, banked on it.  Now getting sister to finally pull the trigger on selling their house is a whole other issue......

jpompo

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1902 on: November 01, 2019, 01:54:35 PM »
My mom died just over a year ago, and while there was no inheritance since my father is still living there was nevertheless plenty of drama. My mother had advanced stage cancer so it was no surprise that she was in her final days, my aunt, her sister, was at my parents house helping to take care of a few things in preparation for the funeral and to spend the last days with her sister. Well, little did any of us realize that those last days would also involve taking jewelry from my mother.

My wife found a ring that my mom inherited from her grandmother in a drawer and said to my aunt, is this your grandmother's ring? At that point my aunt took it and pocketed it, when questioned she said it was for safe keeping, an insured ring that has been in the same spot for over a decade. This is not the hope diamond, it's probably worth $15k. The plot thickens when we find out that one of my mom's last wishes was for that ring to be used in a brooch for cancer survivors. We tell my aunt this and ask for the ring back and she flatly says, "no." I continue to ask for it back and she starts playing the victim, not understanding my "obsession." My father continues to feel immense guilt by not being able to satisfy one of my mom's final wishes.

She wore the ring to my mom's funeral, I didn't say a word to her that day and never will again. Things man, they make people weird.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1903 on: November 01, 2019, 01:58:50 PM »
My mom died just over a year ago, and while there was no inheritance since my father is still living there was nevertheless plenty of drama. My mother had advanced stage cancer so it was no surprise that she was in her final days, my aunt, her sister, was at my parents house helping to take care of a few things in preparation for the funeral and to spend the last days with her sister. Well, little did any of us realize that those last days would also involve taking jewelry from my mother.

My wife found a ring that my mom inherited from her grandmother in a drawer and said to my aunt, is this your grandmother's ring? At that point my aunt took it and pocketed it, when questioned she said it was for safe keeping, an insured ring that has been in the same spot for over a decade. This is not the hope diamond, it's probably worth $15k. The plot thickens when we find out that one of my mom's last wishes was for that ring to be used in a brooch for cancer survivors. We tell my aunt this and ask for the ring back and she flatly says, "no." I continue to ask for it back and she starts playing the victim, not understanding my "obsession." My father continues to feel immense guilt by not being able to satisfy one of my mom's final wishes.

She wore the ring to my mom's funeral, I didn't say a word to her that day and never will again. Things man, they make people weird.
I would report the theft.   People with cancer need all the help they can get, and $15k is a lot of help for someone.

You already aren't going to talk to her again, so burning that bridge isn't a downside.   Any relative who would countenance stealing from family without repercussions is a relative that's good to get out of your life.

Maybe I'm just being a hardass, but people who would steal from family like that are shit and should be treated like shit.

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1904 on: November 01, 2019, 02:16:26 PM »
I'd like to know more of the backstory about this ring.

How was it assigned by the grandmother to the deceased?

How did the deceased make her wishes about the brooch for cancer survivors known?

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1905 on: November 01, 2019, 02:31:03 PM »
I'd like to know more of the backstory about this ring.

How was it assigned by the grandmother to the deceased?

How did the deceased make her wishes about the brooch for cancer survivors known?

Even if her wishes for cancer survivors weren't know, its still theft.  Nothing was left to the aunt so unless the aunt believes the ring didn't rightfully belong to the mom in the first place, it is theft whether the mom wanted it to be used for cancer support, to be given to her own child, or to be buried with her so that all value was lost. 

If the mom rightfully owned the ring, that's the only thing that mattered. 

Since the relationship with the aunt is already fractured to the point of being broken, I'd likely play hardball and tell her that while I'm glad she's had time to enjoy the ring, it's time to return what she removed from your mother's things and if you don't have the ring by November 15th, you are going to report the theft to your insurance company and the police.  Actually, first I'd send a very polite and somewhat meek email asking if she would please return your mother's ring that she took from the drawer.   That would be in the hopes that she would admit in writing to having taken it.  Then I'd make the threat. 

Not because I would desperately want the ring back, but because stealing from a dead person is pretty fucked up. 

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1906 on: November 01, 2019, 02:33:38 PM »
I'd like to know more of the backstory about this ring.

How was it assigned by the grandmother to the deceased?

How did the deceased make her wishes about the brooch for cancer survivors known?

Even if her wishes for cancer survivors weren't know, its still theft.  Nothing was left to the aunt so unless the aunt believes the ring didn't rightfully belong to the mom in the first place, it is theft whether the mom wanted it to be used for cancer support, to be given to her own child, or to be buried with her so that all value was lost. 

If the mom rightfully owned the ring, that's the only thing that mattered. 

Since the relationship with the aunt is already fractured to the point of being broken, I'd likely play hardball and tell her that while I'm glad she's had time to enjoy the ring, it's time to return what she removed from your mother's things and if you don't have the ring by November 15th, you are going to report the theft to your insurance company and the police.  Actually, first I'd send a very polite and somewhat meek email asking if she would please return your mother's ring that she took from the drawer.   That would be in the hopes that she would admit in writing to having taken it.  Then I'd make the threat. 

Not because I would desperately want the ring back, but because stealing from a dead person is pretty fucked up.

I concur.   Very good advice if you want the ring back.

jpompo

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1907 on: November 01, 2019, 02:45:01 PM »
I'd like to know more of the backstory about this ring.

How was it assigned by the grandmother to the deceased?

How did the deceased make her wishes about the brooch for cancer survivors known?

Sure.

My great-grandmother had two rings, roughly equal in value. When she passed away they went to my grandmother. When she passed away they were to be split among my grandmothers two children, my mom and my aunt. My mom gave my aunt first choice since my mother wasn't really into jewelry. My grandmother died a decade ago, none of this had ever been contested. My dad and I both recognize it's theft, we spoke with our attorney about it, he said he would draft a demand letter threatening to go to the authorities. With it being a smaller amount we both decided that letting her live with guilt (and making sure to tell her kids she's a thief) was all we were willing to do.

After my mother received the news that her cancer had returned and spread to her lungs and brain she began to plan her own demise. Nothing was written down, but obviously that doesn't matter because it's theft. I hadn't thought about it for awhile but since she died on October 26th, it came to my mind again.

The positive thing that came out of it was my father tightened up his estate planning and it actually brought him and me closer.

Gremlin

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1908 on: November 01, 2019, 09:26:42 PM »
I'd like to know more of the backstory about this ring.

How was it assigned by the grandmother to the deceased?

How did the deceased make her wishes about the brooch for cancer survivors known?

Even if her wishes for cancer survivors weren't know, its still theft.  Nothing was left to the aunt so unless the aunt believes the ring didn't rightfully belong to the mom in the first place, it is theft whether the mom wanted it to be used for cancer support, to be given to her own child, or to be buried with her so that all value was lost. 

If the mom rightfully owned the ring, that's the only thing that mattered. 

Since the relationship with the aunt is already fractured to the point of being broken, I'd likely play hardball and tell her that while I'm glad she's had time to enjoy the ring, it's time to return what she removed from your mother's things and if you don't have the ring by November 15th, you are going to report the theft to your insurance company and the police.  Actually, first I'd send a very polite and somewhat meek email asking if she would please return your mother's ring that she took from the drawer.   That would be in the hopes that she would admit in writing to having taken it.  Then I'd make the threat. 

Not because I would desperately want the ring back, but because stealing from a dead person is pretty fucked up.

Re bolded:  Whether the aunt believes it or not is irrelevant.  It's likely she's using some internal justification that she's entitled to it.  Theft is theft.

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1909 on: November 02, 2019, 05:09:48 AM »
I don't think aunt is going to feel guilty at all - she saved the ring and now it stays in the family.

Regardless of the value, if she wanted a certain token to remember your mother, she should have asked, even if it had no value at all. Once she learned of your mother's last wishes with the ring, she could have offered a donation to charity in return for the ring - and you could still have said no. She had honest options to get the ring and she didn't even try. Stealing from her late sister's estate was her very first choice.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1910 on: November 02, 2019, 06:58:28 AM »
I'd like to know more of the backstory about this ring.

How was it assigned by the grandmother to the deceased?

How did the deceased make her wishes about the brooch for cancer survivors known?

Sure.

My great-grandmother had two rings, roughly equal in value. When she passed away they went to my grandmother. When she passed away they were to be split among my grandmothers two children, my mom and my aunt. My mom gave my aunt first choice since my mother wasn't really into jewelry. My grandmother died a decade ago, none of this had ever been contested. My dad and I both recognize it's theft, we spoke with our attorney about it, he said he would draft a demand letter threatening to go to the authorities. With it being a smaller amount we both decided that letting her live with guilt (and making sure to tell her kids she's a thief) was all we were willing to do.

After my mother received the news that her cancer had returned and spread to her lungs and brain she began to plan her own demise. Nothing was written down, but obviously that doesn't matter because it's theft. I hadn't thought about it for awhile but since she died on October 26th, it came to my mind again.

The positive thing that came out of it was my father tightened up his estate planning and it actually brought him and me closer
.
I'm sorry about the loss of your mom...and your aunt.

The bolded above is the biggest takeaway. Your aunt certainly did wrong, but in the process, you won. I'd pull a Frozen and "Let It Go". Telling your Dad how much you appreciate what's happened since the incident might help assuage his guilt.

While your mother's stated intentions were noble, they were also somewhat impractical. Her generous gift most likely would have minimal impact for another person fighting cancer (says someone who has). Who would have paid to turn the ring into a broach? Who would have been charged with managing the "gift" of the broach? What would have prevented the recipient from selling it to cover a tiny portion of their medical expenses? This does not excuse your aunt's actions, but according to your Mom's wishes, the ring was leaving your immediate family one way or another. Maybe an outright gift to a Breast Cancer Charity of your Dad's choice might be another option to ease his mind over this sad situation.

In my own family, something kind of similar happened with a sibling. I was co-executor and co-trustee, and knew what should have happened, but my "co-" and our other siblings pressed for a different, and incorrect, interpretation, which wrongly benefitted said sibling, who kept something of similar value. I caved to their intense pressure. Unbeknownst to them, my net worth is significantly higher than my parents, and my sibs were all named equal beneficiaries of my estate. I decided to "Let it go" as far as my parent's estate was concerned, but I also changed my will. In the end, forcing me to do the wrong thing will cost them far more than honoring my parent's wishes (and the law) would have. That sounds bitter, but it isn't really. They will still be remembered, but now, so will some additional charities. This allows me to "forget" their behavior at a really stressful time in all of our lives.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1911 on: November 02, 2019, 09:14:21 AM »
Life is too short to volunteer to spend it in the company of thieves.


Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1912 on: November 02, 2019, 09:56:27 AM »
I'd like to know more of the backstory about this ring.

How was it assigned by the grandmother to the deceased?

How did the deceased make her wishes about the brooch for cancer survivors known?

Even if her wishes for cancer survivors weren't know, its still theft.  Nothing was left to the aunt so unless the aunt believes the ring didn't rightfully belong to the mom in the first place, it is theft whether the mom wanted it to be used for cancer support, to be given to her own child, or to be buried with her so that all value was lost. 

If the mom rightfully owned the ring, that's the only thing that mattered. 

Since the relationship with the aunt is already fractured to the point of being broken, I'd likely play hardball and tell her that while I'm glad she's had time to enjoy the ring, it's time to return what she removed from your mother's things and if you don't have the ring by November 15th, you are going to report the theft to your insurance company and the police.  Actually, first I'd send a very polite and somewhat meek email asking if she would please return your mother's ring that she took from the drawer.   That would be in the hopes that she would admit in writing to having taken it.  Then I'd make the threat. 

Not because I would desperately want the ring back, but because stealing from a dead person is pretty fucked up.

Re bolded:  Whether the aunt believes it or not is irrelevant.  It's likely she's using some internal justification that she's entitled to it.  Theft is theft.

True.  I was referring to the fact that if she believes that, then the aunt is free to pursue that legally.  "Because I want it" isn't a legal strategy.  "Because legally it was never hers to give, and rightfully belonged to me" is. 

Chris Pascale

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1913 on: November 16, 2019, 09:20:03 PM »
Family gave a $25k gift to a sibling, so now wants to consider the daughter living in their home at a rate of $2500/month "to make it fair."

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/my-frugal-31-year-old-daughter-is-living-at-home-while-she-pays-off-her-student-loan-isnt-that-the-equivalent-of-a-2500-monthly-gift-2019-11-06?mod=the-moneyist

Sounds like someone is counting up this stuff way before mom and dad are dead.

ender

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1914 on: November 17, 2019, 08:02:11 AM »
Family gave a $25k gift to a sibling, so now wants to consider the daughter living in their home at a rate of $2500/month "to make it fair."

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/my-frugal-31-year-old-daughter-is-living-at-home-while-she-pays-off-her-student-loan-isnt-that-the-equivalent-of-a-2500-monthly-gift-2019-11-06?mod=the-moneyist

Sounds like someone is counting up this stuff way before mom and dad are dead.

Easy solution is for the parents to just charge rent then.

TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1915 on: November 17, 2019, 08:14:02 AM »
Family gave a $25k gift to a sibling, so now wants to consider the daughter living in their home at a rate of $2500/month "to make it fair."

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/my-frugal-31-year-old-daughter-is-living-at-home-while-she-pays-off-her-student-loan-isnt-that-the-equivalent-of-a-2500-monthly-gift-2019-11-06?mod=the-moneyist

Sounds like someone is counting up this stuff way before mom and dad are dead.

Easy solution is for the parents to just charge rent then.

$2500/month sounds more like market rate for an entire house, not a bedroom and common area access.

Fi(re) on the Farm

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1916 on: November 21, 2019, 06:44:27 PM »
So I've read the thread and have only very little to contribute until yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

Over 30 years ago I got divorced from an abusive, violent jerk. We've co-existed (him telling his family what a bitch I was, me putting my head down and pulling myself out of debt and not getting child support). We had 2 children, one of whom was disabled but I married a stellar stand up guy and moved on. I dealt with the once in a while visits and the excuses but it was a small price to pay for peace of mind.

3 years ago my former MIL passed away. We only found out because I google him on a regular basis to see if he's dead and her obituary came up. We're not talking about someone with a small life, if you googled her name you'd know that she was well known and respected in her field. No one bothered to tell my son or myself and we actually don't live that far away.

Yesterday my former SIL contacted my son and let him know that there was an inheritance. Her excuse for not letting him know earlier was that she couldn't find him or my daughter. There are only 8 people on the planet (trust me on this) with that last name and when I google him my address and phone number is the second hit. They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

They think we should be grateful for whatever we get and while I don't think inheritance is guaranteed they can't figure out why I seem to be ambivalent about $50,000. There's something to be said for not needing someone else's money.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1917 on: November 21, 2019, 07:05:03 PM »
So I've read the thread and have only very little to contribute until yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

Over 30 years ago I got divorced from an abusive, violent jerk. We've co-existed (him telling his family what a bitch I was, me putting my head down and pulling myself out of debt and not getting child support). We had 2 children, one of whom was disabled but I married a stellar stand up guy and moved on. I dealt with the once in a while visits and the excuses but it was a small price to pay for peace of mind.

3 years ago my former MIL passed away. We only found out because I google him on a regular basis to see if he's dead and her obituary came up. We're not talking about someone with a small life, if you googled her name you'd know that she was well known and respected in her field. No one bothered to tell my son or myself and we actually don't live that far away.

Yesterday my former SIL contacted my son and let him know that there was an inheritance. Her excuse for not letting him know earlier was that she couldn't find him or my daughter. There are only 8 people on the planet (trust me on this) with that last name and when I google him my address and phone number is the second hit. They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

They think we should be grateful for whatever we get and while I don't think inheritance is guaranteed they can't figure out why I seem to be ambivalent about $50,000. There's something to be said for not needing someone else's money.
Wow!

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1918 on: November 21, 2019, 07:30:28 PM »
So I've read the thread and have only very little to contribute until yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

Over 30 years ago I got divorced from an abusive, violent jerk. We've co-existed (him telling his family what a bitch I was, me putting my head down and pulling myself out of debt and not getting child support). We had 2 children, one of whom was disabled but I married a stellar stand up guy and moved on. I dealt with the once in a while visits and the excuses but it was a small price to pay for peace of mind.

3 years ago my former MIL passed away. We only found out because I google him on a regular basis to see if he's dead and her obituary came up. We're not talking about someone with a small life, if you googled her name you'd know that she was well known and respected in her field. No one bothered to tell my son or myself and we actually don't live that far away.

Yesterday my former SIL contacted my son and let him know that there was an inheritance. Her excuse for not letting him know earlier was that she couldn't find him or my daughter. There are only 8 people on the planet (trust me on this) with that last name and when I google him my address and phone number is the second hit. They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

They think we should be grateful for whatever we get and while I don't think inheritance is guaranteed they can't figure out why I seem to be ambivalent about $50,000. There's something to be said for not needing someone else's money.

Yeah, I would want to see the registered will.   Just in case your ex brow-beat your SIL and family into cheating your son out of more.   

And paying a lawyer to do it means you don't have to put up with their lies in person, if that's what happens.  Nor, necessarily, do you need to put up with them in person even if they are telling the truth, either.  :)

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1919 on: November 22, 2019, 08:11:39 AM »
So I've read the thread and have only very little to contribute until yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

Over 30 years ago I got divorced from an abusive, violent jerk. We've co-existed (him telling his family what a bitch I was, me putting my head down and pulling myself out of debt and not getting child support). We had 2 children, one of whom was disabled but I married a stellar stand up guy and moved on. I dealt with the once in a while visits and the excuses but it was a small price to pay for peace of mind.

3 years ago my former MIL passed away. We only found out because I google him on a regular basis to see if he's dead and her obituary came up. We're not talking about someone with a small life, if you googled her name you'd know that she was well known and respected in her field. No one bothered to tell my son or myself and we actually don't live that far away.

Yesterday my former SIL contacted my son and let him know that there was an inheritance. Her excuse for not letting him know earlier was that she couldn't find him or my daughter. There are only 8 people on the planet (trust me on this) with that last name and when I google him my address and phone number is the second hit. They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

They think we should be grateful for whatever we get and while I don't think inheritance is guaranteed they can't figure out why I seem to be ambivalent about $50,000. There's something to be said for not needing someone else's money.

Yeah, I would want to see the registered will.   Just in case your ex brow-beat your SIL and family into cheating your son out of more.   

And paying a lawyer to do it means you don't have to put up with their lies in person, if that's what happens.  Nor, necessarily, do you need to put up with them in person even if they are telling the truth, either.  :)

Chiming in because I am dealing with an estate situation where my youngest sister and I finally had to hire an attorney to represent our interests.   The whole "grateful for whatever you get" attitude, yep, know all about that. 

You want a copy of the will, it's crucial you see exactly what's in the legal document versus what your SIL is telling you.  She is expecting you to take her word for it.  Don't.

By having your attorney handle matters, in addition to not having to deal with them (and their lies) directly, it cuts through the BS by getting to the facts.  A competent attorney will have no use for any excuses or family drama or any other nonsense.

The fact they freaked out when you mentioned contacting your attorney is very telling.

former player

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1920 on: November 22, 2019, 08:29:02 AM »
As well as seeing the will, you need to see proper audited accounts for the estate.

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1921 on: November 22, 2019, 09:55:50 AM »
Family gave a $25k gift to a sibling, so now wants to consider the daughter living in their home at a rate of $2500/month "to make it fair."

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/my-frugal-31-year-old-daughter-is-living-at-home-while-she-pays-off-her-student-loan-isnt-that-the-equivalent-of-a-2500-monthly-gift-2019-11-06?mod=the-moneyist

Sounds like someone is counting up this stuff way before mom and dad are dead.

Easy solution is for the parents to just charge rent then.

$2500/month sounds more like market rate for an entire house, not a bedroom and common area access.

And a large, comfortable home with acreage in flyover country.

Zoot

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1922 on: November 22, 2019, 10:42:07 AM »
They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

Allow me to echo the others' statements that you are absolutely doing the right thing by involving your attorney.  Please let us know how it goes--I'm very curious to know if your Spidey Senses are right about them trying to pull a fast one on you.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1923 on: November 22, 2019, 10:48:13 AM »
They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

Allow me to echo the others' statements that you are absolutely doing the right thing by involving your attorney.  Please let us know how it goes--I'm very curious to know if your Spidey Senses are right about them trying to pull a fast one on you.

I can't agree with the recommendations more. Consider it fiduciary responsibility to your son. Get the lawyer. Pay him or her to review ALL the estate/will documents.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1924 on: November 23, 2019, 03:38:11 PM »
They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

Allow me to echo the others' statements that you are absolutely doing the right thing by involving your attorney.  Please let us know how it goes--I'm very curious to know if your Spidey Senses are right about them trying to pull a fast one on you.

While I agree with getting a lawyer to handle this, I'm curious as to why you are involved at all in an inheritance to your adult son.

K-ice

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1925 on: November 23, 2019, 11:00:48 PM »

They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

I find it a bit odd you have two kids but only one was named in the will? Iím just curious why?

Depending on the will I wouldnít get too carried away with a full audit.
If you son was named with a gift of $50,000 be sure he gets the $50,000 and move on.

If he was to inherit a percentage than it might take a lot more work.

Iíve also heard, but I could be wrong & Iím sure itís state dependent, but benificiaries named for just gifts & not percentage may not even have the right to see the will. In most cases the executors will share freely regardless, but it sounds like they are already being secretive. 

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1926 on: November 24, 2019, 10:08:20 AM »
So I've read the thread and have only very little to contribute until yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

Over 30 years ago I got divorced from an abusive, violent jerk. We've co-existed (him telling his family what a bitch I was, me putting my head down and pulling myself out of debt and not getting child support). We had 2 children, one of whom was disabled but I married a stellar stand up guy and moved on. I dealt with the once in a while visits and the excuses but it was a small price to pay for peace of mind.

3 years ago my former MIL passed away. We only found out because I google him on a regular basis to see if he's dead and her obituary came up. We're not talking about someone with a small life, if you googled her name you'd know that she was well known and respected in her field. No one bothered to tell my son or myself and we actually don't live that far away.

Yesterday my former SIL contacted my son and let him know that there was an inheritance. Her excuse for not letting him know earlier was that she couldn't find him or my daughter. There are only 8 people on the planet (trust me on this) with that last name and when I google him my address and phone number is the second hit. They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

They think we should be grateful for whatever we get and while I don't think inheritance is guaranteed they can't figure out why I seem to be ambivalent about $50,000. There's something to be said for not needing someone else's money.

Yeah, I would want to see the registered will.   Just in case your ex brow-beat your SIL and family into cheating your son out of more.   

And paying a lawyer to do it means you don't have to put up with their lies in person, if that's what happens.  Nor, necessarily, do you need to put up with them in person even if they are telling the truth, either.  :)

Chiming in because I am dealing with an estate situation where my youngest sister and I finally had to hire an attorney to represent our interests.   The whole "grateful for whatever you get" attitude, yep, know all about that. 

You want a copy of the will, it's crucial you see exactly what's in the legal document versus what your SIL is telling you.  She is expecting you to take her word for it.  Don't.

By having your attorney handle matters, in addition to not having to deal with them (and their lies) directly, it cuts through the BS by getting to the facts.  A competent attorney will have no use for any excuses or family drama or any other nonsense.

The fact they freaked out when you mentioned contacting your attorney is very telling.

This.  It's also telling how many of us with some experience are chiming in the same.  There's literally no downside here, and potentially a lot of upside. 

Great for you for already going down that path! 

Fi(re) on the Farm

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1927 on: November 24, 2019, 03:47:17 PM »
They want to close out the estate and think that we should move quickly but freaked out when I said that I needed to contact the lawyer who handles my financial manners.

Allow me to echo the others' statements that you are absolutely doing the right thing by involving your attorney.  Please let us know how it goes--I'm very curious to know if your Spidey Senses are right about them trying to pull a fast one on you.

While I agree with getting a lawyer to handle this, I'm curious as to why you are involved at all in an inheritance to your adult son.

Just to clarify, both of my children were named but my daughter is disabled so I take care of all her affairs. I'm really fortunate, when I did my estate planning I set up a special needs trust for her so hopefully I can just do a trust to trust transfer. I work for 15 lawyers, and while they don't handle wills and trust currently, they've all giving me great advice. 15 years ago I would have taken whatever they were willing to give me but now I'm better educated and in a better financial position. My son's wife is extremely wealthy so while it's nice that his grandmother remembered him it's not going to change their standard of living. He's thinking a couple of nice vacations and maybe support some political candidates he backs.

I just never thought that I'd have anything to share here. Once you achieve FI it makes you feel a whole lot more powerful.

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1928 on: November 25, 2019, 07:06:56 AM »
Go get 'em!

My mother shared with me that her uncle (late '80's) claims to have made her the primary beneficiary, as he is estranged from his daughter.

Not enough money to really move the needle for anyone, but I'm hoping my mom doesn't roll over when the daughter inevitably challenges the will.

Goldielocks

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1929 on: November 27, 2019, 12:39:55 PM »
I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1930 on: November 27, 2019, 01:01:58 PM »
I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

Having gone thru one funeral with my crazy-ass sister-in-law, I could fully understand why my wife and her two brothers might not tell their other sister about their mom's death until after the funeral.   Frankly, I could understand why they would let a lawyer's letter telling her how much we was inheriting be the first she heard of it -- particularly if (hopefully) the will disinherits her if she contests it.

Life's too short to volunteer to spend time with some people.

I wouldn't suggest they not tell their sister, and I don't think it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't blame them if they did it either.

Goldielocks

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1931 on: November 27, 2019, 02:12:07 PM »
I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

Having gone thru one funeral with my crazy-ass sister-in-law, I could fully understand why my wife and her two brothers might not tell their other sister about their mom's death until after the funeral.   Frankly, I could understand why they would let a lawyer's letter telling her how much we was inheriting be the first she heard of it -- particularly if (hopefully) the will disinherits her if she contests it.

Life's too short to volunteer to spend time with some people.

I wouldn't suggest they not tell their sister, and I don't think it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't blame them if they did it either.
I get it.... you are describing waiting 2-3 weeks to send the news (by letter).   But what about NEVER telling?  Just Ghosting?

Fi(re) on the Farm

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1932 on: November 27, 2019, 05:13:51 PM »
I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

Having gone thru one funeral with my crazy-ass sister-in-law, I could fully understand why my wife and her two brothers might not tell their other sister about their mom's death until after the funeral.   Frankly, I could understand why they would let a lawyer's letter telling her how much we was inheriting be the first she heard of it -- particularly if (hopefully) the will disinherits her if she contests it.

Life's too short to volunteer to spend time with some people.

I wouldn't suggest they not tell their sister, and I don't think it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't blame them if they did it either.
I get it.... you are describing waiting 2-3 weeks to send the news (by letter).   But what about NEVER telling?  Just Ghosting?

My ex-husband wanted to have my son be a clone of him and he wasn't so ex-husband pretty much cut off all ties about 12 years ago. I don't understand not telling my son about his grandmother who he had a relationship with.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1933 on: November 27, 2019, 05:22:49 PM »
I really don't understand how someone can justify not telling close, direct descendents of a death.  Especially if there are fewer than 5 people total..

But it happens.

Having gone thru one funeral with my crazy-ass sister-in-law, I could fully understand why my wife and her two brothers might not tell their other sister about their mom's death until after the funeral.   Frankly, I could understand why they would let a lawyer's letter telling her how much we was inheriting be the first she heard of it -- particularly if (hopefully) the will disinherits her if she contests it.

Life's too short to volunteer to spend time with some people.

I wouldn't suggest they not tell their sister, and I don't think it's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't blame them if they did it either.
I get it.... you are describing waiting 2-3 weeks to send the news (by letter).   But what about NEVER telling?  Just Ghosting?

My ex-husband wanted to have my son be a clone of him and he wasn't so ex-husband pretty much cut off all ties about 12 years ago. I don't understand not telling my son about his grandmother who he had a relationship with.
Yeah, that's pretty tacky.

msWNM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1934 on: November 30, 2019, 01:04:55 AM »
  I'm the oldest of seven children.We were Holiday celebrating loving family. My Father was hardworking all his life and as a family, we worked the family publishing business growing up.
        All families have ups and downs but we truly experienced pure evil in one younger brother. An absolute Narcissistic sociopath. We had joked he was the Charlie Sheen personality, but it came out it a demonic cunning plot.The worse thing was he was working with the family attorney, who had drawn up the family trust. My Dad had planned and worked very diligently on this.Todd wanted to be Trustee.No one objected because all he had to do was what my father instructed. Wrong so wrong. MY father got very ill, after a visit, my daughter and I were served with restraining orders for elder abuse. I'm a pediatric HH specialty RN, I lost my state bonding and could no longer work. my daughter was right in the middle of planning her Wedding. The older brother who worked the business until it sold and then made a success out of the Industrial complex investment. Todd moved in took his position. Todd wasn't satisfied with his portion of the LLC, so he took money from the trust deposited into my account and sent out a letter saying I was no longer in the partnership.
the attorney supported all these actions. Six days after my fathers death, he was removed from dialysis, my brothers decision. My siblings and myself received a letter stating we and our children and children's children were to be considered dead. Disinherited. This new update occurred 129 days prior to my father's death.
       My brother is evil. The attorney, was an eye opener, he lied from the restraining orders, to how much the Estate was worth, to things about our life, he was an outright crook. It feels good to vent because going through the legal process was frustrating. I was told the truth doesn't matter. People lie all the time. The Judicial system, political and financial system in our country all need to be overhauled and brought down to grassroots.
      The Evil bro isn't happy. The rest of the family has formed their own family units with grandchildren.
      The Dirty John attorney still practices ,hopefully, he has some regrets but I doubt it.
       I'm doing Ok. Feels good to vent. It seems criminal two men could do so much damage and walk away with 50 million. My brother still complains about death taxes to my mom.

RWTL

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1935 on: November 30, 2019, 03:19:21 AM »
  I'm the oldest of seven children.We were Holiday celebrating loving family. My Father was hardworking all his life and as a family, we worked the family publishing business growing up.
        All families have ups and downs but we truly experienced pure evil in one younger brother. An absolute Narcissistic sociopath. We had joked he was the Charlie Sheen personality, but it came out it a demonic cunning plot.The worse thing was he was working with the family attorney, who had drawn up the family trust. My Dad had planned and worked very diligently on this.Todd wanted to be Trustee.No one objected because all he had to do was what my father instructed. Wrong so wrong. MY father got very ill, after a visit, my daughter and I were served with restraining orders for elder abuse. I'm a pediatric HH specialty RN, I lost my state bonding and could no longer work. my daughter was right in the middle of planning her Wedding. The older brother who worked the business until it sold and then made a success out of the Industrial complex investment. Todd moved in took his position. Todd wasn't satisfied with his portion of the LLC, so he took money from the trust deposited into my account and sent out a letter saying I was no longer in the partnership.
the attorney supported all these actions. Six days after my fathers death, he was removed from dialysis, my brothers decision. My siblings and myself received a letter stating we and our children and children's children were to be considered dead. Disinherited. This new update occurred 129 days prior to my father's death.
       My brother is evil. The attorney, was an eye opener, he lied from the restraining orders, to how much the Estate was worth, to things about our life, he was an outright crook. It feels good to vent because going through the legal process was frustrating. I was told the truth doesn't matter. People lie all the time. The Judicial system, political and financial system in our country all need to be overhauled and brought down to grassroots.
      The Evil bro isn't happy. The rest of the family has formed their own family units with grandchildren.
      The Dirty John attorney still practices ,hopefully, he has some regrets but I doubt it.
       I'm doing Ok. Feels good to vent. It seems criminal two men could do so much damage and walk away with 50 million. My brother still complains about death taxes to my mom.

Do you have your own attorney?  It's a bit hard to follow, but sounds devastating.

trashtalk

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1936 on: November 30, 2019, 07:04:28 AM »
  I'm the oldest of seven children.We were Holiday celebrating loving family. My Father was hardworking all his life and as a family, we worked the family publishing business growing up.
        All families have ups and downs but we truly experienced pure evil in one younger brother. An absolute Narcissistic sociopath. We had joked he was the Charlie Sheen personality, but it came out it a demonic cunning plot.The worse thing was he was working with the family attorney, who had drawn up the family trust. My Dad had planned and worked very diligently on this.Todd wanted to be Trustee.No one objected because all he had to do was what my father instructed. Wrong so wrong. MY father got very ill, after a visit, my daughter and I were served with restraining orders for elder abuse. I'm a pediatric HH specialty RN, I lost my state bonding and could no longer work. my daughter was right in the middle of planning her Wedding. The older brother who worked the business until it sold and then made a success out of the Industrial complex investment. Todd moved in took his position. Todd wasn't satisfied with his portion of the LLC, so he took money from the trust deposited into my account and sent out a letter saying I was no longer in the partnership.
the attorney supported all these actions. Six days after my fathers death, he was removed from dialysis, my brothers decision. My siblings and myself received a letter stating we and our children and children's children were to be considered dead. Disinherited. This new update occurred 129 days prior to my father's death.
       My brother is evil. The attorney, was an eye opener, he lied from the restraining orders, to how much the Estate was worth, to things about our life, he was an outright crook. It feels good to vent because going through the legal process was frustrating. I was told the truth doesn't matter. People lie all the time. The Judicial system, political and financial system in our country all need to be overhauled and brought down to grassroots.
      The Evil bro isn't happy. The rest of the family has formed their own family units with grandchildren.
      The Dirty John attorney still practices ,hopefully, he has some regrets but I doubt it.
       I'm doing Ok. Feels good to vent. It seems criminal two men could do so much damage and walk away with 50 million. My brother still complains about death taxes to my mom.

I caught my breath as soon as I saw the word narcissist. I'm so sorry. I would recommend a therapist as much as an attorney. There are also some helpful books and websites.

I'm so so sorry.

Cb1234567

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1937 on: January 19, 2020, 07:36:20 PM »
I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

Really ask yourself if it's worth the effort and strife to do this.  What would happen if you took the stuff you wanted and looked after the truly valuable items (let's say anything over $1000) and let her pillage the rest?  You would likely end up a couple thousand dollars less well-off.  You will have inherited a couple thousand dollars less.  (And that's if she makes off with $4000 worth of stuff, which is quite a lot when we are talking only low value items--used furnishing and keepsakes.)  But you will save yourself the headache and the heartache.  And the time.  Why?  So she doesn't get to "win" by maybe a couple thousand dollars?  Yes, it's messed up that [if] she would do that.  But digging in your heels over a relatively small amount of money seems awfully stubborn, and likely to cause you much unnecessary anguish.  It seems to me like it would be much better to draw a healthy boundary that is somewhere a bit away from "exactly 50/50, even for knick knacks and used furniture".  Protect that boundary, and let her indulge her ugliness and greed up to that line.

Do not underestimate the value of having looney toons people remove items that will otherwise need to be disposed of. At my dads house, I very sincerely encouraged my sister to take anything she might want -just in case... the more I could get her to take, the less I had to deal with.

Cb1234567

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1938 on: January 19, 2020, 08:39:46 PM »
I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

That sounds awful. Hopefully the RVs will be long gone, and hopefully they actually put their assets into the trust and have kept it updated.

If they still have an RV, I bet there are some interesting ways to sabotage it...

Dave1442397

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1939 on: January 21, 2020, 06:05:24 AM »
I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

That sounds awful. Hopefully the RVs will be long gone, and hopefully they actually put their assets into the trust and have kept it updated.

If they still have an RV, I bet there are some interesting ways to sabotage it...

From what I hear about RVs, sabotage is built in. It's the modern equivalent of inheriting a white elephant.

scottish

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1940 on: January 21, 2020, 07:51:33 PM »
On the bright side, they  put you in charge, rather than your sister.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1941 on: January 22, 2020, 02:12:07 AM »
On the bright side, they  put you in charge, rather than your sister.

Ugh, but now she has to be The Mean One Who Says No or just roll over and take it.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1942 on: January 22, 2020, 06:47:08 AM »
The original comment was about a year ago and since then I asked the folks if my sister knew she was not on the trust.  They said she does not know.  They said they are sure I would distribute her half equally to her when the time comes, they know I will do the right thing.  They are not up for the drama of telling her now and frankly neither am I.  I can be the meany later.   

So again I will pray they live at least another 20 years and have sold off the big stuff by then.  I am starting to think they might get rid of the massive RV well before they are gone because it is one of those Holiday Rambler jumbo jobbers that they will soon not be able to handle anyway with advancing age.  Already I don't think they have taken it out in the last 3 years due to knee replacements so perhaps it will be gone within another 5 years and if not I will make the suggestion along the way.   

I let them know that as far as "stuff" I expect my sister to come in and do the mad grab but that I would be reasonable and not make a huge deal about that and just account generally for it.  Big stuff will be itemized out of her cash balance.  They agreed that is a good approach.   I agree as Cb noted above, having her kids swarm the place removing all the tchotkies and pure volume of things will be nicer than having to haul it out myself.   

During that conversation I asked for a specific Pyrex bowl that I have known my whole life and so Mom has now given it to me.  I let Dad know that out of the huge workshop of tools and power equipment, all I want is the hammer he built our house with back in 1972.  He thought that was wonderful.  I think our talk confirmed that they chose the right daughter to handle their legacy.   
 

mtn

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1943 on: January 22, 2020, 09:17:54 AM »
The original comment was about a year ago and since then I asked the folks if my sister knew she was not on the trust.  They said she does not know.  They said they are sure I would distribute her half equally to her when the time comes, they know I will do the right thing.  They are not up for the drama of telling her now and frankly neither am I.  I can be the meany later.   

So again I will pray they live at least another 20 years and have sold off the big stuff by then.  I am starting to think they might get rid of the massive RV well before they are gone because it is one of those Holiday Rambler jumbo jobbers that they will soon not be able to handle anyway with advancing age.  Already I don't think they have taken it out in the last 3 years due to knee replacements so perhaps it will be gone within another 5 years and if not I will make the suggestion along the way.   

I let them know that as far as "stuff" I expect my sister to come in and do the mad grab but that I would be reasonable and not make a huge deal about that and just account generally for it.  Big stuff will be itemized out of her cash balance.  They agreed that is a good approach.   I agree as Cb noted above, having her kids swarm the place removing all the tchotkies and pure volume of things will be nicer than having to haul it out myself.   

During that conversation I asked for a specific Pyrex bowl that I have known my whole life and so Mom has now given it to me.  I let Dad know that out of the huge workshop of tools and power equipment, all I want is the hammer he built our house with back in 1972.  He thought that was wonderful.  I think our talk confirmed that they chose the right daughter to handle their legacy.   
 

My unsolicited advice: If the Holiday Rambler is still around when they pass, just give it to your sister. The value of the RV will likely not make much of any impact on your net worth, and the headache won't be worth it. You'd be giving her a white elephant that she thinks she wants.


SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1944 on: January 22, 2020, 09:38:05 AM »
The original comment was about a year ago and since then I asked the folks if my sister knew she was not on the trust.  They said she does not know.  They said they are sure I would distribute her half equally to her when the time comes, they know I will do the right thing.  They are not up for the drama of telling her now and frankly neither am I.  I can be the meany later.   

So again I will pray they live at least another 20 years and have sold off the big stuff by then.  I am starting to think they might get rid of the massive RV well before they are gone because it is one of those Holiday Rambler jumbo jobbers that they will soon not be able to handle anyway with advancing age.  Already I don't think they have taken it out in the last 3 years due to knee replacements so perhaps it will be gone within another 5 years and if not I will make the suggestion along the way.   

I let them know that as far as "stuff" I expect my sister to come in and do the mad grab but that I would be reasonable and not make a huge deal about that and just account generally for it.  Big stuff will be itemized out of her cash balance.  They agreed that is a good approach.   I agree as Cb noted above, having her kids swarm the place removing all the tchotkies and pure volume of things will be nicer than having to haul it out myself.   

During that conversation I asked for a specific Pyrex bowl that I have known my whole life and so Mom has now given it to me.  I let Dad know that out of the huge workshop of tools and power equipment, all I want is the hammer he built our house with back in 1972.  He thought that was wonderful.  I think our talk confirmed that they chose the right daughter to handle their legacy.   
 

My unsolicited advice: If the Holiday Rambler is still around when they pass, just give it to your sister. The value of the RV will likely not make much of any impact on your net worth, and the headache won't be worth it. You'd be giving her a white elephant that she thinks she wants.

That's very good advice.

So is never rewarding bad behavior.

It takes wisdom and situational knowledge to know which of these to pick from.

mtn

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1945 on: January 22, 2020, 09:45:45 AM »
I think I've posted this before, but I'm worried about this in what is hopefully my distant future.

My inlaws have about 5-25 years left to live. Really no way of knowing, I would not be shocked if they both pass within 5 years and I would not be shocked if they both live another 25 years. My wife has one sibling. This sibling is 34-36 (I forget), has been unemployed for approximately 1/2 of their adult life, and delusional. Not to get political, but sibling is a Trump Supporter through and through who blames EVERYTHING on the democrats despite having been on unemployment more than anyone I know. Has lived alone away from parents for a total of roughly 3 years in two separate stints since graduating from college. Somehow despite parents paying for just about everything, sibling is in debt way past his eyeballs.

Sibling is an expert in everything, despite not knowing anything. Seriously, you could have written the book on Random Topic, and this sibling will start talking like he knows everything about it and knows exactly what the problems are with it. It is fun to start the topic of conversation on something you know you know a lot about, just to see where it goes. For example, I started it on Harry Potter one time. Sibling went on a rant about how JK Rowling fucked up her investments and ruined her reputation by not letting Disney take over the franchise and Universal Studios fucked up the rides and on and on spewing BS like you wouldn't believe. Most of it is nonsensical, the rest could make sense as a theory IF it was uttered as "I personally think that XYZ happened, and this is what the result is/will be. Obviously I don't know all of the details, but from what I can tell I'm making this conclusion". But instead sibling preaches it like gospel. Huh, you'd think if sibling was such an expert in everything she'd/he'd have started a business and be a millionaire. The most infuriating thing about it is that sibling would be the worlds best car salesperson, no joke - personable, you don't realize how full of shit they are until you've spent enough time with them, good looking, a good closer... but they're so image conscious that they think being a car salesperson is below them.

Anyways, after that letting off steam... my in-laws to my knowledge have no will. Likely will not be necessary as I anticipate that medical care will eat through their entire estate, whatever there is of it. But my FIL had mentioned that he was going to leave the house and the boat and the cars 50/50 to my wife and her sibling. I said "Do not do that, you don't want to leave anything but cash to wife and sibling." Hopefully he'll have listened. The other thing? My wife NEEDS to be the executor of the estate. Sibling-in-law would mess it up. Unintentionally (he legitimately is a good person, and generous), but still does not have the aptitude to do it. If my wife isn't, I'm sure that Sibling-in-law will end up with everything and blow it all and somehow blame it on my wife (despite being a good person, sibling is an idiot). Frankly, it should be me as I can balance a check book, but I'm not having that argument.

I anticipate that once one of them dies, the other will need to be in an assisted living facility. What that means for my sibling-in-law who hasn't paid rent in years, I don't know. But we're not going to bail sibling out. Can't do it. Not our circus, not our monkeys. Happy to help out. Happy to help someone stand up. Not going to let them live an extravagant lifestyle though.

Compare this to my parents... They've got everything set up, probably will live for another 10-35 years, have named me the executor for financial stuff and sibling 1 the executor for health-related stuff, with sibling 2 the first backup for both. Dad has showed me all of his accounts, all of moms accounts, and the steps to take when it is necessary. They've been consolidating accounts to where it will be as easy as possible, the only potential question is their vacation property which I've recommended they sell before they pass - that decision will be many years down the road though.

mtn

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1946 on: January 22, 2020, 09:49:59 AM »
The original comment was about a year ago and since then I asked the folks if my sister knew she was not on the trust.  They said she does not know.  They said they are sure I would distribute her half equally to her when the time comes, they know I will do the right thing.  They are not up for the drama of telling her now and frankly neither am I.  I can be the meany later.   

So again I will pray they live at least another 20 years and have sold off the big stuff by then.  I am starting to think they might get rid of the massive RV well before they are gone because it is one of those Holiday Rambler jumbo jobbers that they will soon not be able to handle anyway with advancing age.  Already I don't think they have taken it out in the last 3 years due to knee replacements so perhaps it will be gone within another 5 years and if not I will make the suggestion along the way.   

I let them know that as far as "stuff" I expect my sister to come in and do the mad grab but that I would be reasonable and not make a huge deal about that and just account generally for it.  Big stuff will be itemized out of her cash balance.  They agreed that is a good approach.   I agree as Cb noted above, having her kids swarm the place removing all the tchotkies and pure volume of things will be nicer than having to haul it out myself.   

During that conversation I asked for a specific Pyrex bowl that I have known my whole life and so Mom has now given it to me.  I let Dad know that out of the huge workshop of tools and power equipment, all I want is the hammer he built our house with back in 1972.  He thought that was wonderful.  I think our talk confirmed that they chose the right daughter to handle their legacy.   
 

My unsolicited advice: If the Holiday Rambler is still around when they pass, just give it to your sister. The value of the RV will likely not make much of any impact on your net worth, and the headache won't be worth it. You'd be giving her a white elephant that she thinks she wants.

That's very good advice.

So is never rewarding bad behavior.

It takes wisdom and situational knowledge to know which of these to pick from.

I agree, but you have to ask yourself if rewarding this bad behavior would change anything. Most likely the only thing that it is changing is reducing Miss Nancy's inheritance by about $5k to $100k, most likely it would be reducing it about $35k, but also reducing a gigantic headache in the form of a rapidly depreciating asset (liability?) that she does NOT want anything to do with, but sister does. In the grand scheme, that $35k probably is not worth fighting over. Especially if she gets ahead of it and says "Hey Sis, you wanted the RV, right? I don't want anything to do with it, lets add that to your inheritance and we won't worry about it any further". Buys goodwill when going forward with the rest of the headaches.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1947 on: January 22, 2020, 09:50:36 AM »
The RV is worth about 50K right now, it is the luxury bus version.  If everything was set in motion now it would never be simply handed over to my sister like some dusty couch just to avoid expected drama.   

She can have it but $50K is coming off her side, maybe I would allow for a little grace and say less than that since I would have avoided the hassle of disposing of it. 

This is no drama at all and I don't understand why the default is to look the other way.  Accounting for it makes total sense.  If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

This is not about what impact it has to my net worth, it is about dividing things roughly equally to abide by their wishes. 

If the thing is still sitting there in 20 years I would probably see it differently but right now it is their 2nd largest physical asset after their home.   
« Last Edit: January 22, 2020, 09:52:22 AM by MissNancyPryor »

markbike528CBX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1948 on: January 22, 2020, 10:31:32 AM »
The RV is worth about 50K right now, it is the luxury bus version.  If everything was set in motion now it would never be simply handed over to my sister like some dusty couch just to avoid expected drama.   

She can have it but $50K is coming off her side, maybe I would allow for a little grace and say less than that since I would have avoided the hassle of disposing of it. 

This is no drama at all and I don't understand why the default is to look the other way.  Accounting for it makes total sense.  If she gets her feelings hurt then boo fucking hoo.

This is not about what impact it has to my net worth, it is about dividing things roughly equally to abide by their wishes. 

If the thing is still sitting there in 20 years I would probably see it differently but right now it is their 2nd largest physical asset after their home.   
I would suggest a Plan to let the sister have it (at future current trade-in value). However, put up a token resistance so she thinks she's "gotten something over" on you. You can then be gracious.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1949 on: January 22, 2020, 11:24:57 AM »
My brother and I are co-executors and co-trustees for our parent's not-large estate. [Long, boring drama omitted.] We have finally decided to close the last remaining account, as we believe everything has been accounted for.

As is often the case in families of any size, there is a Black Sheep. In our case a sister, aka BSS. She has tortured our brother in this estate process, so all communication is now through me. She is canny and manipulative, so I keep contact to an absolute minimum.

I created a card with a picture of our parents, wrote a final note as Co-E/Co-T, enclosed the check, and addressed the envelopes. Brother suspected BSS had moved, so last Friday, I texted her to confirm her address. She replied that the address I have is wrong, but refused to provide a new one. She demanded to know why. I didn't bite, just said I needed it to send some estate stuff to everyone and was trying to get it in the mail that day. No answer. Another text. No answer. So, fuck her, I mailed out everyone else's check and left her unaddressed envelope on my desk. I figured when she heard about the check from someone else, she'd respond. Nope. I called my brother to see if he'd received his check. I explained what was going on with BSS and he offered to ask her again via text. She responded to him and he forwarded a new address. I sent her card + check out the next day. Ironic that the one who "needs" it the most, got hers last.

Last night, DH and I were chatting. He wondered if she had given her real address. I wondered why it mattered...

The last of the entrusted money was in a bank with no branches in my brother's state. Luckily, there is a branch in my city, so I offered to complete the task. In order to close the account and not worry about fees or interest generating if someone didn't cash it promptly (see bracketed comment above), the banker suggested issuing individual Cashier's Checks, which is what I did. I didn't give it another thought, as it was only $1k per person...

DH pointed out that it's a lot easier to forge a Cashier's Check, and that's exactly what I had mailed to an address that may or may not be where BSS actually lives. Oh, well.

It is finally done. What a fucking relief.