Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 719805 times)

ysette9

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1650 on: June 13, 2019, 01:09:47 PM »
I admire the peace you have made with your situation. That shows a lot of maturity

Captain FIRE

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1651 on: June 13, 2019, 01:11:30 PM »
In the end I have plenty of money, and my uncles will have to live with the knowledge that they left their brother's (the war hero who died from agent orange) only child out to figure it out on her own. Maybe there is a possibility they will rethink their choices and leave something to my kids? Probably not.
Am I still angry and bitter? Only when I let myself think about it. ;)

Have you ever asked them to do so? 

Not in a confrontational way, but in a polite, one time request of "you can make this right if you choose".  I mean, we're told you need to ask for raises at jobs or the company has limited incentive to do much for you.  Same thing here.  If you keep silent they 1) likely managed to forget about it, and 2) figure you don't care at all.  You obviously can communicate it very softly - understanding why they did it, such the desire to keep the farm going and not be split up, recognizing that your father wasn't contributing any longer to working of it - but also gently noting that as it stands, you have lost both your father at an early age and any emotional/supportive benefits he might have provided, and any family legacy he might have otherwise received if he had lived longer.

(If it were me, I'd put it in writing and copy my cousins so that they know too.  Who knows, if the uncles don't fix it maybe the cousins will.  But I get that even asking the uncles may be more aggressive already than it sounds like you're willing to do and rock the boat.)

mm1970

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1652 on: June 13, 2019, 02:09:03 PM »
Grandparents may not have known how many children their kids would have. Per Stirpes is a nice contingency, but it produces really weird outcomes if--say--one side has a single child, and the other side has seven.

As for me, I prefer primogeniture. Make damn sure your oldest can manage things, then put them in charge.
I don't think it's weird really.

By the time my grandfather's estate/ trust was settled (when his second wife died), it was really wonky.  She was 98.  I was 46.  By then:
- two of his 4 daughters had died.  So their 1/4 (each) got split among their children.  They each had 3 children.  So, those 6 grandchildren got 1/12 a piece.
- one his daughters was alive, she got her 1/4
- the fourth was actually a DIL.  His will left her 1/8, and left the other 1/8 to her children.  She had 6 children.  But one of them died.  So each of her children, instead of getting 1/24, got 1/20.

Nothing wrong with wonky.  He wanted to leave 1/4 to each of his daughters and the family of his son, who died relatively young.

honeybbq

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1653 on: June 13, 2019, 02:13:59 PM »
Bean- you are way nicer than I would be. I have a friend whose sister had two children by artificial insemination- she had a long time partner but she had sole custody and was their only legal parent. When her children were 19 and 12, she and the partner broke up. She rewrote her will leaving her substantial estate to the Humane society and disinheriting both children. She then committed suicide. My friend was able to get the part of the will disinherting the youngest over turned. She then reached a settlement with the Humane society for the 19 year old where they got a sum but the 19 year old got a good chunk. She threatened them with bad publicity taking money from an orphan. Those poor kids.

Why would you disinherit your own minor children??

Psychstache

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1654 on: June 13, 2019, 02:33:53 PM »
Bean- you are way nicer than I would be. I have a friend whose sister had two children by artificial insemination- she had a long time partner but she had sole custody and was their only legal parent. When her children were 19 and 12, she and the partner broke up. She rewrote her will leaving her substantial estate to the Humane society and disinheriting both children. She then committed suicide. My friend was able to get the part of the will disinherting the youngest over turned. She then reached a settlement with the Humane society for the 19 year old where they got a sum but the 19 year old got a good chunk. She threatened them with bad publicity taking money from an orphan. Those poor kids.

Why would you disinherit your own minor children??

Given that the person committed suicide, I would imagine they had some distorted, irrational thinking going on.

ABC123

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1655 on: June 13, 2019, 02:36:49 PM »
Bean- you are way nicer than I would be. I have a friend whose sister had two children by artificial insemination- she had a long time partner but she had sole custody and was their only legal parent. When her children were 19 and 12, she and the partner broke up. She rewrote her will leaving her substantial estate to the Humane society and disinheriting both children. She then committed suicide. My friend was able to get the part of the will disinherting the youngest over turned. She then reached a settlement with the Humane society for the 19 year old where they got a sum but the 19 year old got a good chunk. She threatened them with bad publicity taking money from an orphan. Those poor kids.

Wait, is that legal?  A parent with a minor child can legally give her entire estate away, no legal requirement to financially care for her child?  Seems like there should be something that requires at least part of the estate to be put in some sort of account or trust to be used for the care of the child.

Goldielocks

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1656 on: June 13, 2019, 02:50:21 PM »
ABC123   ... I think that is why the portion regarding the minor child was overtured upon appeal....   A parent can not absolve their responsibility for a minor dependent child by fully and intentionally disinheriting them.  If there are assets, they need to be used to meet the dependents' minimum needs first, and the remainder can be distributed as directed.

BeanCounter

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1657 on: June 13, 2019, 02:58:06 PM »
Grandparents may not have known how many children their kids would have. Per Stirpes is a nice contingency, but it produces really weird outcomes if--say--one side has a single child, and the other side has seven.

As for me, I prefer primogeniture. Make damn sure your oldest can manage things, then put them in charge.
I don't think it's weird really.

By the time my grandfather's estate/ trust was settled (when his second wife died), it was really wonky.  She was 98.  I was 46.  By then:
- two of his 4 daughters had died.  So their 1/4 (each) got split among their children.  They each had 3 children.  So, those 6 grandchildren got 1/12 a piece.
- one his daughters was alive, she got her 1/4
- the fourth was actually a DIL.  His will left her 1/8, and left the other 1/8 to her children.  She had 6 children.  But one of them died.  So each of her children, instead of getting 1/24, got 1/20.

Nothing wrong with wonky.  He wanted to leave 1/4 to each of his daughters and the family of his son, who died relatively young.

I think my situation is a great example of how it becomes wonky.
Trying not to over share too much here. Because my mother died young, it is likely that if my grandfather doesn't change anything I will (at a fairly young age) inherit a couple million. My uncle would get the same. My only cousin (my uncle's child) will get nothing until his father passes. So my life changes, my cousin's doesn't.

On my dad's side, with the farm that's just a lot more complicated. But again I think they had a hard time with the notion that they would have been paying me an income on money they made and their kids would have gotten nothing. And they didn't want to buy me out. So the simplest thing, however painful was to cut me out.

BeanCounter

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1658 on: June 13, 2019, 03:03:26 PM »
In the end I have plenty of money, and my uncles will have to live with the knowledge that they left their brother's (the war hero who died from agent orange) only child out to figure it out on her own. Maybe there is a possibility they will rethink their choices and leave something to my kids? Probably not.
Am I still angry and bitter? Only when I let myself think about it. ;)

Have you ever asked them to do so? 

Not in a confrontational way, but in a polite, one time request of "you can make this right if you choose".  I mean, we're told you need to ask for raises at jobs or the company has limited incentive to do much for you.  Same thing here.  If you keep silent they 1) likely managed to forget about it, and 2) figure you don't care at all.  You obviously can communicate it very softly - understanding why they did it, such the desire to keep the farm going and not be split up, recognizing that your father wasn't contributing any longer to working of it - but also gently noting that as it stands, you have lost both your father at an early age and any emotional/supportive benefits he might have provided, and any family legacy he might have otherwise received if he had lived longer.

(If it were me, I'd put it in writing and copy my cousins so that they know too.  Who knows, if the uncles don't fix it maybe the cousins will.  But I get that even asking the uncles may be more aggressive already than it sounds like you're willing to do and rock the boat.)
Before my mother died, she did. She told them she didn't think it was right, and it was a dishonor to their brother.
I'm sure they weren't too worried about it because they know that my mother's family was well to do.
I would only ask for something to change if I though my children had an interest in farming. Or if myself or my kids needed a place to live, I would ask to have the right to live in one of the homes on the property.
I don't see the point in asking for anything I don't need.
Is it fair? Probably not. Life isn't fair, but it's still beautiful.

Goldielocks

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1659 on: June 13, 2019, 03:21:33 PM »
May parents are approaching 80 and have quite a substantial retirement portfolio.   One that would be hard to spend down even if they pay for high quality long term care.

They may choose to bypass my sister and I and give all their money to the grandkids, plus a could of charities.   I could very, very, very much use that money (but not desparate because I could also just un-FIRE).    I feel weird about my feelings on it.. Not my money and all of that, but also, Dad himself inherited the equivalent of $120k at age 40... which he admits was a huge help to him at that time.    I truly think the reason may be that my sister's husband is very well compensated exec and they obviously don't need money, and my parents wanted to always be fair and equal with us, and they don't want to give sis more money that she doesn't need.

On the one hand, i am delighted to have an excellent personal relationship with them.  On the other hand, I have a lump of <<feelings>> about the money side which I just look away from.   

Does that happen to anyone else?  That not-entirely complementary <<feelings>> about inheritance arise despite everything being great otherwise?   

cloudsail

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1660 on: June 13, 2019, 04:19:23 PM »
May parents are approaching 80 and have quite a substantial retirement portfolio.   One that would be hard to spend down even if they pay for high quality long term care.

They may choose to bypass my sister and I and give all their money to the grandkids, plus a could of charities.   I could very, very, very much use that money (but not desparate because I could also just un-FIRE).    I feel weird about my feelings on it.. Not my money and all of that, but also, Dad himself inherited the equivalent of $120k at age 40... which he admits was a huge help to him at that time.    I truly think the reason may be that my sister's husband is very well compensated exec and they obviously don't need money, and my parents wanted to always be fair and equal with us, and they don't want to give sis more money that she doesn't need.

On the one hand, i am delighted to have an excellent personal relationship with them.  On the other hand, I have a lump of <<feelings>> about the money side which I just look away from.   

Does that happen to anyone else?  That not-entirely complementary <<feelings>> about inheritance arise despite everything being great otherwise?   

Oh yes. I wrote earlier in this thread about our inheritance story when DH's mother passed away. Before she died she stated that she wanted DH's older brother to have the house and give us half its original purchase price (the house has since appreciated). It is a substantial amount. For various reasons, we only got less than half of that money. Everyone is on great terms, I just try to forget the original wishes of my mother in law, and the fact that DH's brother is now living in a very HCOL city without a mortgage.

marion10

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1661 on: June 13, 2019, 06:12:46 PM »
For the awful suicide story- yes it was illegal to disinherit the minor child (I assume this was a do it yourself will)- the will was left with the body. There obviously was some disordered thinking going on.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1662 on: June 13, 2019, 06:18:29 PM »
For the awful suicide story- yes it was illegal to disinherit the minor child (I assume this was a do it yourself will)- the will was left with the body. There obviously was some disordered thinking going on.
[/quote
Oh, so sad for that family. The repercussions of her actions will never end for them. Good for the ex for stepping up for the kids.

Gail2000

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1663 on: June 13, 2019, 07:00:25 PM »

Better then my fella’s grandmother who wanted to be buried with hers. After her passing the family came together and decided this was one wish they would not respect. This is pretty relieving considering they released balloons, sang a Celine  dion song at the funeral and kept ashes in a locket.

Well, if the cat was alive, I understand that completely. I knew one woman who left orders that her loyal dog be euthanized after she passed away because she didn't trust anyone to give the dog a good home. Her executor had the dog... executed.

That evokes nature vs nurture debate in my mind.

sherr

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1664 on: June 13, 2019, 09:01:41 PM »

Better then my fella’s grandmother who wanted to be buried with hers. After her passing the family came together and decided this was one wish they would not respect. This is pretty relieving considering they released balloons, sang a Celine  dion song at the funeral and kept ashes in a locket.

Well, if the cat was alive, I understand that completely. I knew one woman who left orders that her loyal dog be euthanized after she passed away because she didn't trust anyone to give the dog a good home. Her executor had the dog... executed.

That evokes nature vs nurture debate in my mind.

I think it was just a pun. I'm sure the executor had the dog peacefully euthanized at a vet.

I'm generally all about being a faithful executor and following the deceased's wishes to the letter, but this is where I personally would draw the line. I would consider this an immoral request, refuse, and fight it legally tooth and nail if anyone objected. Dogs obviously are not close to humans in the sanctity of life, but intentionally killing a loving, loyal companion for no reason other than postmortem jealousy? That's just evil.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1665 on: June 13, 2019, 09:15:02 PM »

Better then my fella’s grandmother who wanted to be buried with hers. After her passing the family came together and decided this was one wish they would not respect. This is pretty relieving considering they released balloons, sang a Celine  dion song at the funeral and kept ashes in a locket.

Well, if the cat was alive, I understand that completely. I knew one woman who left orders that her loyal dog be euthanized after she passed away because she didn't trust anyone to give the dog a good home. Her executor had the dog... executed.

That evokes nature vs nurture debate in my mind.

I think it was just a pun. I'm sure the executor had the dog peacefully euthanized at a vet.

I'm generally all about being a faithful executor and following the deceased's wishes to the letter, but this is where I personally would draw the line. I would consider this an immoral request, refuse, and fight it legally tooth and nail if anyone objected. Dogs obviously are not close to humans in the sanctity of life, but intentionally killing a loving, loyal companion for no reason other than postmortem jealousy? That's just evil.

Agreed, and to explicitly require it in her will was over the top. I blame the brain cancer that killed the bitch. I didn't find out about what happened until well after the fact because I was living in another country.

Sugaree

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1666 on: June 14, 2019, 04:31:49 AM »
May parents are approaching 80 and have quite a substantial retirement portfolio.   One that would be hard to spend down even if they pay for high quality long term care.

They may choose to bypass my sister and I and give all their money to the grandkids, plus a could of charities.   I could very, very, very much use that money (but not desparate because I could also just un-FIRE).    I feel weird about my feelings on it.. Not my money and all of that, but also, Dad himself inherited the equivalent of $120k at age 40... which he admits was a huge help to him at that time.    I truly think the reason may be that my sister's husband is very well compensated exec and they obviously don't need money, and my parents wanted to always be fair and equal with us, and they don't want to give sis more money that she doesn't need.

On the one hand, i am delighted to have an excellent personal relationship with them.  On the other hand, I have a lump of <<feelings>> about the money side which I just look away from.   

Does that happen to anyone else?  That not-entirely complementary <<feelings>> about inheritance arise despite everything being great otherwise?   

I get it.  I suspect that my in-laws' estate will have the potential to get ugly.  As the outsider, it's my job to look out for my son's interests and that carries a lot of those <<feelings>>.

Hula Hoop

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1667 on: June 14, 2019, 04:45:03 AM »
May parents are approaching 80 and have quite a substantial retirement portfolio.   One that would be hard to spend down even if they pay for high quality long term care.

They may choose to bypass my sister and I and give all their money to the grandkids, plus a could of charities.   I could very, very, very much use that money (but not desparate because I could also just un-FIRE).    I feel weird about my feelings on it.. Not my money and all of that, but also, Dad himself inherited the equivalent of $120k at age 40... which he admits was a huge help to him at that time.    I truly think the reason may be that my sister's husband is very well compensated exec and they obviously don't need money, and my parents wanted to always be fair and equal with us, and they don't want to give sis more money that she doesn't need.

On the one hand, i am delighted to have an excellent personal relationship with them.  On the other hand, I have a lump of <<feelings>> about the money side which I just look away from.   

Does that happen to anyone else?  That not-entirely complementary <<feelings>> about inheritance arise despite everything being great otherwise?   

Yes, I had this for a while before my parent finally made a will, due to a step parent issue.  Now we have certainty and we know exactly what each of us (me, step parent and sibling) are in line to inherit so things are way smoother than they were and there are fewer <feelings>.  There was a lot of tension before and that's all gone because my parent plans to divide things in a way that we all think is fair.

Are you able to talk to your parents about this?  Maybe they could leave the money directly to you and to the grandchildren in lieu of your sister?  Would your sister be OK with this?  Also, your sister's husband may be a well compensated executive but, what does she earn? Unfortunately, if something were to happen in her marriage she might have financial troubles.  Leaving the money directly to her to do what she wants with it seems wise as you just never know and it's important to have your own money not just that of a spouse.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 04:48:26 AM by Hula Hoop »

RetiredAt63

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1668 on: June 14, 2019, 04:58:53 AM »
Are you able to talk to your parents about this?  Maybe they could leave the money directly to you and to the grandchildren in lieu of your sister?  Would your sister be OK with this?  Also, your sister's husband may be a well compensated executive but, what does she earn? Unfortunately, if something were to happen in her marriage she might have financial troubles.  Leaving the money directly to her to do what she wants with it seems wise as you just never know and it's important to have your own money not just that of a spouse.

So much this.

My Dad's will was worded so that it was clear the inheritance was to my sister and me, and not in any way to our husbands. 

Hula Hoop

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1669 on: June 14, 2019, 06:07:29 AM »
Are you able to talk to your parents about this?  Maybe they could leave the money directly to you and to the grandchildren in lieu of your sister?  Would your sister be OK with this?  Also, your sister's husband may be a well compensated executive but, what does she earn? Unfortunately, if something were to happen in her marriage she might have financial troubles.  Leaving the money directly to her to do what she wants with it seems wise as you just never know and it's important to have your own money not just that of a spouse.

So much this.

My Dad's will was worded so that it was clear the inheritance was to my sister and me, and not in any way to our husbands.

Isn't that standard in wills?  Obviously, within a marriage people share finances but an inheritance goes to one person not both members of a married couple normally.

I think it's a mistake to see someone has "rich" and not in need of money becuase their spouse earns a lot of money in this day and age.  If someone gets divorced, the law in most jurisdictions certainly does not see it this way.

BeanCounter

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1670 on: June 14, 2019, 06:17:16 AM »
Are you able to talk to your parents about this?  Maybe they could leave the money directly to you and to the grandchildren in lieu of your sister?  Would your sister be OK with this?  Also, your sister's husband may be a well compensated executive but, what does she earn? Unfortunately, if something were to happen in her marriage she might have financial troubles.  Leaving the money directly to her to do what she wants with it seems wise as you just never know and it's important to have your own money not just that of a spouse.

So much this.

My Dad's will was worded so that it was clear the inheritance was to my sister and me, and not in any way to our husbands.
But my understanding is that if you co-mingle the funds in any way it could become marital property.
I have some accounts that I keep totally separate from my spouse because if something were to happen to me I want it to go into trust for the benefit of only my children so that my DH could feel free to remarry without giving his new spouse and children access to my family’s money.
So complicated. It gives new meaning to the phrase “mo money mo problems”

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1671 on: June 14, 2019, 06:31:02 AM »

Better then my fella’s grandmother who wanted to be buried with hers. After her passing the family came together and decided this was one wish they would not respect. This is pretty relieving considering they released balloons, sang a Celine  dion song at the funeral and kept ashes in a locket.

Well, if the cat was alive, I understand that completely. I knew one woman who left orders that her loyal dog be euthanized after she passed away because she didn't trust anyone to give the dog a good home. Her executor had the dog... executed.

That evokes nature vs nurture debate in my mind.

I think it was just a pun. I'm sure the executor had the dog peacefully euthanized at a vet.

I'm generally all about being a faithful executor and following the deceased's wishes to the letter, but this is where I personally would draw the line. I would consider this an immoral request, refuse, and fight it legally tooth and nail if anyone objected. Dogs obviously are not close to humans in the sanctity of life, but intentionally killing a loving, loyal companion for no reason other than postmortem jealousy? That's just evil.

Agreed, and to explicitly require it in her will was over the top. I blame the brain cancer that killed the bitch. I didn't find out about what happened until well after the fact because I was living in another country.

hehe nice pun!

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1672 on: June 14, 2019, 09:51:34 AM »
Are you able to talk to your parents about this?  Maybe they could leave the money directly to you and to the grandchildren in lieu of your sister?  Would your sister be OK with this?  Also, your sister's husband may be a well compensated executive but, what does she earn? Unfortunately, if something were to happen in her marriage she might have financial troubles.  Leaving the money directly to her to do what she wants with it seems wise as you just never know and it's important to have your own money not just that of a spouse.

So much this.

My Dad's will was worded so that it was clear the inheritance was to my sister and me, and not in any way to our husbands.

My parents adore my husband.  (My sibling and I joke that he's actually the favorite child.)  Still, my dad has taken me aside to let me know that their preference would be that I am careful with my future inheritance so that it remains mine, no matter what.  (There was also some conversation about... difficult BIL, which I think was intended to imply that they'd hope that if I predecease DH, the remaining inheritance money would maybe go to my sister, at least in part, if there was a lot left, rather than DH's brother.)

The reality is that it will be spent as joint money by me and DH, but I will open a separate account in my name only where it is kept.  How the drawdown works (what is spent from that account vs. joint accounts) is something I've get to figure out, and I likely won't put a tremendous amount of thought into it. The intent to keep it separate and not spend all of it before we spend all of our "regular" money will be maintained.  It's probably not something about which I'd have thought unless dad mentioned it, so I'm glad he did. 

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1673 on: June 17, 2019, 09:26:51 AM »
Bean- you are way nicer than I would be. I have a friend whose sister had two children by artificial insemination- she had a long time partner but she had sole custody and was their only legal parent. When her children were 19 and 12, she and the partner broke up. She rewrote her will leaving her substantial estate to the Humane society and disinheriting both children. She then committed suicide. My friend was able to get the part of the will disinherting the youngest over turned. She then reached a settlement with the Humane society for the 19 year old where they got a sum but the 19 year old got a good chunk. She threatened them with bad publicity taking money from an orphan. Those poor kids.

Gosh I don't understand people's minds...

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1674 on: June 17, 2019, 09:47:57 AM »
May parents are approaching 80 and have quite a substantial retirement portfolio.   One that would be hard to spend down even if they pay for high quality long term care.

They may choose to bypass my sister and I and give all their money to the grandkids, plus a could of charities.   I could very, very, very much use that money (but not desparate because I could also just un-FIRE).    I feel weird about my feelings on it.. Not my money and all of that, but also, Dad himself inherited the equivalent of $120k at age 40... which he admits was a huge help to him at that time.    I truly think the reason may be that my sister's husband is very well compensated exec and they obviously don't need money, and my parents wanted to always be fair and equal with us, and they don't want to give sis more money that she doesn't need.

On the one hand, i am delighted to have an excellent personal relationship with them.  On the other hand, I have a lump of <<feelings>> about the money side which I just look away from.   

Does that happen to anyone else?  That not-entirely complementary <<feelings>> about inheritance arise despite everything being great otherwise?   

Yes. My parents inherited enough money to buy a nice house (a yardstick value)- which they did not need. So they invested it. And spent a little of it on themselves for fun. I listened to one of my parents having a frank discussion with relatives about how my parents really didn't need that money at their age but how they really needed it earlier in life.

Meanwhile I sat there listening and in an early part of my life with wife and kids and daycare and a (modest) mortgage and received nothing. I wasn't desperate for the money b/c DW and I are independent sorts but at the time we were very much living paycheck to paycheck and finishing college at our own expense. This was very much pre-MMM (couple decades ago). The mental disconnect was what caught my attention. My sibling was also early in their marriage and starting a family. Don't know if they received any money from our parents b/c while our parents talk about fairness, it doesn't always work that way in reality. I have long played second fiddle to sibling. For example parents paid for sibling's deluxe university experience while I had to pay for my own.

In theory sibling and I'll see that money after my parents are gone but DW and I are already comfortable now (decades later) and have good incomes of our own at this point and my parents will likely live until my 60s. Maybe we'll be able to help our own children who will then be in their late-30s.

The other elephant in the room is to taking care to not breed dependency and expectation in the younger generation. In my mind there is big importance in being self-reliant without an inheritance. I've watched families struggle like a King's Court over future inheritances. Politics, favors, will revisions, etc. The older generation holding it over the younger generation while the younger generation stepped all over their siblings to get first in line. Very unhappy messes.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 09:52:48 AM by Just Joe »

Hunny156

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1675 on: June 17, 2019, 10:32:26 AM »
Didn't want to thread-jack, and this is a long, drawn out story, so if you are interested, check out the Case Study I just posted:

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/case-studies/case-studyyou-need-to-plan-for-getting-old-(-what-can-happen-when-you-don't!)/

ysette9

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1676 on: June 17, 2019, 10:56:15 AM »
Didn't want to thread-jack, and this is a long, drawn out story, so if you are interested, check out the Case Study I just posted:

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/case-studies/case-studyyou-need-to-plan-for-getting-old-(-what-can-happen-when-you-don't!)/
Wow, what an unbelievable headache. I can’t imagine how tough that has been on you. Do you and your sister speak at all? What will she do now that the cash cow has dried up?

Hunny156

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1677 on: June 17, 2019, 11:00:31 AM »
Didn't want to thread-jack, and this is a long, drawn out story, so if you are interested, check out the Case Study I just posted:

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/case-studies/case-studyyou-need-to-plan-for-getting-old-(-what-can-happen-when-you-don't!)/
Wow, what an unbelievable headache. I can’t imagine how tough that has been on you. Do you and your sister speak at all? What will she do now that the cash cow has dried up?

I'm slowly starting to feel the weight coming off my shoulders, and it feels GLORIOUS!  We haven't spoken in over 6 years, when she hijacked the accounts.  She better not ever darken my doorway, there are some things I cannot forgive, and even if I could, I have to be crazy to think that she would change, and I don't like snakes slithering around my home or my real family.

She'll get something decent even after everything is paid, but it won't last long.  After that, who knows what she will do.  Maybe it will be time for a sugar daddy/momma.  Leaches will do what they need to survive!

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1678 on: June 17, 2019, 01:06:34 PM »
Didn't want to thread-jack, and this is a long, drawn out story, so if you are interested, check out the Case Study I just posted:

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/case-studies/case-studyyou-need-to-plan-for-getting-old-(-what-can-happen-when-you-don't!)/
Wow, what an unbelievable headache. I can’t imagine how tough that has been on you. Do you and your sister speak at all? What will she do now that the cash cow has dried up?

I'm slowly starting to feel the weight coming off my shoulders, and it feels GLORIOUS!  We haven't spoken in over 6 years, when she hijacked the accounts.  She better not ever darken my doorway, there are some things I cannot forgive, and even if I could, I have to be crazy to think that she would change, and I don't like snakes slithering around my home or my real family.

She'll get something decent even after everything is paid, but it won't last long.  After that, who knows what she will do.  Maybe it will be time for a sugar daddy/momma.  Leaches will do what they need to survive!
I commented on your other thread. I just wanted to add that I had a sister who wasn't as extreme as yours, but there were similarities. She was such a leech when my parents were alive (unwillingness to work masquerading as caregiving) that their estate was significantly reduced. She also received the lion's share of the physical assets because my sibs outnumbered me. Basically, she took the new-ish car before the assets were divided equally, against the will's instructions. Now that most of the inheritance has been distributed, she has blown through all of her oversized share. She is back to pestering other relatives for loans that she's never going to pay back. Then she doesn't (as we predicted and sternly warned against) and the relatives bug us that she isn't paying back their loans. Sucks.

A Fella from Stella

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A Good Story in the End
« Reply #1679 on: June 20, 2019, 12:27:29 PM »
Grandpa died fairly young, but very much retired. To give you an idea of the wealth he'd accumulated, my grandmother once commented how nice Ferraris look, so he said he'd get her one, but that it would be her last car. She instead opted for a Dodge Neon that lasted the duration.

Now, all our lives we'd been told there's a small inheritance coming - $2,000. In my teens, my brother began demanding his $2,000, because it's his, after all. My guess is that he needed cash, and started thinking 'where can I get it?' It wasn't altogether unreasonable, until he acted like a fool and was screaming for his money.

Leading up to grandma's passing, she lost her eyesight, and then a leg. However, leading up to that, my brother (who wanted his money!!!!) complained that she was blowing all of grandpa's money.

After 30+ years of having no income, and 5 in a very good nursing home, grandma passed, and the estate was to be settled.

Her 3 sons got everyone over 18 together and said the following:

"The estate is a house and about $280,000. All grandchildren are getting $5,000, the sons will get $70,000, and the sale of the house will be split 3 ways between the sons."

END OF DISCUSSION

But wait! There's a bonus for my brother! When grandma - who was spending all the money - died, it was kind of around his birthday. As such, he planned a big birthday outing. When the check came at the fancy-pants restaurant, I jokingly went for my wallet and pulled out a TJ Maxx coupon, and he was so disappointed that I would be so cheap. At this, I realized that he expected us to pay for his birthday outing (he was over 30) that he had planned.

And we did! So maybe I'm the asshole here.

A Fella from Stella

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« Reply #1680 on: June 20, 2019, 12:54:55 PM »
I just posted about my other grandparents, but still have a grandma who is alive.

First, I'll say upfront I have not been shortchanged in any way. Grandma gave me her car in 2004. It lasted 6 years, and was a tremendous blessing. I recently tried to buy her 15-yo car, but it went to a cousin in need.

Knowing that grandma will pass soon, I asked my mother if I could buy the wedding band set from the estate when the time came. I petitioned early because another relative has been disgustingly vocal about wanting things like jewelry from her, and not-so-secretly got diamond pendants and a watch, which she always "joked" that grandma was just keeping for her.

A LITTLE HISTORY: This relative's sense of entitlement is understandable. She is the only one of her siblings to have college paid for, some even with a 529 meant for a [now grown] baby. Approaching graduation, she thought aloud about what she might really do now that she was graduating with a degree she didn't want to use. Another time, she lamented that her parents weren't more rich, because she was hoping for a big graduation gift (they took her to Europe).

THE WEDDING BAND SET: I never got a straight answer, but I can't have it. Grandma does not wear it, and the ring holder on her dresser is empty. Despite there being 10 females in the next 3 generations, this one little lady got all the family jewels.

I have since gotten my grandparents' original wedding photos, for which I'll make copies and frame for everyone.

Saw grandma last night. She's doing well at 95, especially since moving in with my mom.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2019, 03:16:03 PM by A Fella from Stella »

Dave1442397

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1681 on: June 21, 2019, 07:42:19 AM »
My mother-in-law is 90 and starting to give away some of her possessions. She was very involved in social activities, with lots of fancy gowns and jewelry for various events.

She gave me a couple of gold necklaces, one with a 24k stamp, and one with an 18k stamp. My wife doesn't wear yellow gold, so we took them to a local jeweler who buys gold (with MIL's approval). It took them a couple of minutes to come back with an estimate of $0.00. The necklaces were both fake.

I think my FIL bought them while they were on a cruise in the '80s, somewhere in the Middle East. At least they got their money's worth in one respect, as she wore them for many years thinking they were real. We won't say anything to MIL about it, of course. No point telling her now :)

I wonder how much of the remaining jewelry is fake, and how annoyed my crazy SIL will be when she finds out she inherited costume jewelry.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1682 on: June 21, 2019, 12:45:53 PM »
My MIL came in for Christmas once......once. All the in-laws were there and it was nice. However, upon leaving, MIL sits all the kids down with a hand-written will, reading out to all that her oldest son will receive 100% of the responsibility of the younger adult brothers, and that he must make sure they are always okay.

If you can believe it, BIL left this valuable document at my home, so when I needed a laugh, I read it over. Spotting a typo, I called my MIL and let her know that it might not be enforceable with the misspelling, so she should re-write it. She seemed disappointed, since she was only doing it because the little kids were getting too much attention the night before, but I told her it was a good thing, because there's so much more she can add. And so, she did it again, and sent it to her oldest son. I've heard she's not dead yet, so my BIL doesn't have to make sure his adults brothers are doing alright, but one day the torch will be passed to him.

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1683 on: June 22, 2019, 03:29:22 AM »
Question about unclaimed property and inept family:

My Dad is in his 70's. My Dad's uncle, who never married and had no children, passed away decades ago and has unclaimed property listed with the state where he lived. I know that at least some of the unclaimed property is stocks. My Dad's grandfather on the same side (so my great grandfather and the father of the deceased uncle) also has unclaimed property listed. Finally, his deceased Aunt (also who never had children) has unclaimed property listed . . . for this particular one at least I know he is listed as an heir. All of this property is being held by the same state.

When this was first discovered by the family, it was suggested to another Uncle (the only living brother of the dead Aunt and Uncle) that he claim it. He never claimed it and the unclaimed property is still listed with the state in online records. At this point the money has been held by the state for a very long time (30-50+ years.) Suffice it to say that my extended family is very inept. I doubt that anyone has ever tried to claim any of these funds.

My Dad doesn't have any retirement money. If he has a claim to these estates, then I would like to help him acquire it because he really needs it even if it is only $50. Neither my Dad nor I still live in the state where all of this unclaimed property is being held, so it's slightly a pain, but at least it's driving distance for me.

Has anyone ever been through anything like this? I'm going to call the state comptroller's office next week to see what they say. I don't think there's a fortune here, but at the same time it seems a shame to have funds rotting in state coffers for decades when there is a living relative who has a legitimate claim.

Please offer any advice that you can think of if you've ever been though something like this.

TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1684 on: June 22, 2019, 06:23:03 AM »
For most states, you start the process with an online filing. We could help more with specifics if you told us which mysterious state is holding the money.

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1685 on: June 22, 2019, 01:03:27 PM »
Maryland.

I have found the online forms. It seems like it might be a ton of paperwork, and they also won't disclose online what or how much property it is . . . so I have no clue if this will be worth the trouble.

Goldielocks

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1686 on: June 22, 2019, 01:42:06 PM »
Estate - unclaimed property.

Situation --

Woman dies, her parents have pre-deceased her and her brother is estranged for the past 30years (and moved to another country after completing the first part of his residency).  She does have 17 cousins, some of who know each other but most live across 5 different states and only meet up (some) every 10 years or so.

My friend (a cousin) was contacted by the government rep (hired to execute the will) after they had been trying to locate the brother for a year or two, to let him know sister had died.   All they could find was one or two cousins.  My friend was the first cousin to try to help, as she had met the sister and brother previously (that family in particular was living away from the rest of the family and rarely met up).   She was asked to try to find the brother.   She turned to me.  All she knew was the school he went to for undergrad degree (her home university), and what he intended to study after and that he may have moved usa but she did not know where.  She had a last name and a probable first name, but he tended to use a nickname at times.   We assumed that he would be between 77 and 79 yeras old based on when he entered university.

I did some on-line sleuthing and came up with three possible candidates, partly because his first legal name is not too common.   She tried to reach out to the last known addresses and could not get an answer.   The next year she was travelling in the area and just went and knocked on the door of the most likely one.  This person has been retired for quite a while. 

Found!

Anyway -- the story highlights that an online submission will start the process of getting a rep for the estate to look into how many people may be formed as part of the estate, and that can take a while if you have a large estranged family.  Paperwork submission helps to jumpstart the process as you may be able to give a lot of family name details.  Everyone must be identified or eliminated, or a time limit expires after a lot of due dilligence before a payout can happen.

TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1687 on: June 22, 2019, 03:47:52 PM »
Maryland.

I have found the online forms. It seems like it might be a ton of paperwork, and they also won't disclose online what or how much property it is . . . so I have no clue if this will be worth the trouble.
If you have proof of the relationship (maybe birth certificates and driver's license) and a death certificate for the deceased, you should be able to get through the process. Haven't done MD myself, and only reclaimed my own property in Texas.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1688 on: June 22, 2019, 06:06:52 PM »
My mother-in-law is 90 and starting to give away some of her possessions. She was very involved in social activities, with lots of fancy gowns and jewelry for various events.

She gave me a couple of gold necklaces, one with a 24k stamp, and one with an 18k stamp. My wife doesn't wear yellow gold, so we took them to a local jeweler who buys gold (with MIL's approval). It took them a couple of minutes to come back with an estimate of $0.00. The necklaces were both fake.

I think my FIL bought them while they were on a cruise in the '80s, somewhere in the Middle East. At least they got their money's worth in one respect, as she wore them for many years thinking they were real. We won't say anything to MIL about it, of course. No point telling her now :)

I wonder how much of the remaining jewelry is fake, and how annoyed my crazy SIL will be when she finds out she inherited costume jewelry.

If SIL had the gall to complain within earshot of me, I'd be awfully tempted to express my sympathies and tell her how unfortunate that was as the stuff we got was worth quite a bit.  (I wouldn't if only because she might actually try to use that comment as some sort of proof of unfairness, perhaps even pursing it legally, but I'd be tempted!)

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1689 on: June 22, 2019, 06:28:58 PM »
Oh dear. Always best to assume that jewelry is fake . . . then you might be pleasantly surprised!

Dave1442397

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1690 on: June 23, 2019, 07:10:45 AM »
Oh dear. Always best to assume that jewelry is fake . . . then you might be pleasantly surprised!

That was my attitude when I took it to the jeweler. I figured if it was real, we'd have some spending money for our upcoming vacation, and if not, the vacation money is already budgeted, so no loss.

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1691 on: June 23, 2019, 07:01:50 PM »
I had a similar thing happen with some "family silver." It was all silver-plated, which is not worth much. It's pretty, though.

Alfred J Quack

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1692 on: June 24, 2019, 06:34:33 AM »
I had a similar thing happen with some "family silver." It was all silver-plated, which is not worth much. It's pretty, though.

We had the opposite though, and the appraiser worked on a fee based on the appraised value which probably inflated the price too... So in the future, we're going to limit the maximum price or find another appraiser.

Just Joe

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« Reply #1693 on: June 24, 2019, 12:36:17 PM »
But wait! There's a bonus for my brother! When grandma - who was spending all the money - died, it was kind of around his birthday. As such, he planned a big birthday outing. When the check came at the fancy-pants restaurant, I jokingly went for my wallet and pulled out a TJ Maxx coupon, and he was so disappointed that I would be so cheap. At this, I realized that he expected us to pay for his birthday outing (he was over 30) that he had planned.

And we did! So maybe I'm the asshole here.

I don't think I could spend much time with that sibling. $2K ain't much in the big picture of things for an adult. He ought to be making his own money by that age, not waiting for a hand out.

I'd invite him around for hamburgers on the grill and maybe some beers but not going out to eat without agreements about who was paying what ahead of time.

People can be a mess!

BabyShark

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1694 on: June 24, 2019, 01:56:53 PM »
This isn't my drama, but the first question on this advice column sure is something.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/06/pet-bequests-estate-dispute-advice.html

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1695 on: June 24, 2019, 02:37:21 PM »
I kind of agree that the "question-behind-the-question" is why the household with kids gets 65% while the household without kids should get only 35%. The daughter should have found a more articulate way of expressing this disparity than by asking for the dog (whom the testatrix is likely to outlive) get a share equal to human children.

charis

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1696 on: June 24, 2019, 02:57:53 PM »
I kind of agree that the "question-behind-the-question" is why the household with kids gets 65% while the household without kids should get only 35%. The daughter should have found a more articulate way of expressing this disparity than by asking for the dog (whom the testatrix is likely to outlive) get a share equal to human children.

Well, the grandfather is entitled to see his granddaughters as individual people, not just members of a household, and the money is earmarked for college.  So unless there's a plausible possibility that the other daughter was planning to put her dog through college, this is ridiculous.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1697 on: June 24, 2019, 03:34:25 PM »
I kind of agree that the "question-behind-the-question" is why the household with kids gets 65% while the household without kids should get only 35%. The daughter should have found a more articulate way of expressing this disparity than by asking for the dog (whom the testatrix is likely to outlive) get a share equal to human children.

You've missed the point.

None of the children or grandchildren has the slightest right to any of the money.  Period.

If the grandmother wants to give that money to a trust that will take care of her favorite rutabaga plant she's free to do so.

The correct response to someone giving you money in their will is, "Thank you, and I hope I don't see a penny of it for a wonderfully long time."

It is not, "I am entitled to more, more, more!"

A Fella from Stella

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Re: A Good Story in the End
« Reply #1698 on: June 25, 2019, 04:49:24 AM »
But wait! There's a bonus for my brother! When grandma - who was spending all the money - died, it was kind of around his birthday. As such, he planned a big birthday outing. When the check came at the fancy-pants restaurant, I jokingly went for my wallet and pulled out a TJ Maxx coupon, and he was so disappointed that I would be so cheap. At this, I realized that he expected us to pay for his birthday outing (he was over 30) that he had planned.

And we did! So maybe I'm the asshole here.

I don't think I could spend much time with that sibling. $2K ain't much in the big picture of things for an adult. He ought to be making his own money by that age, not waiting for a hand out.

I'd invite him around for hamburgers on the grill and maybe some beers but not going out to eat without agreements about who was paying what ahead of time.

People can be a mess!

What's crazy is that even at 20 in college he made something like $20k a year. I know because my dad said "you made $20,000 last year, and have nothing to show for it." He consistently pulled in decent income, but at 28 was living at our parents' house with nothing saved. Even when mom and dad downsized, he came with them.

I do not talk to him, but you'll be glad to know he's a very productive member of society nowadays, with a family and career. I think he just saw the inheritance as something that was coming to him, and it was for free.

Jadzia37000

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1699 on: June 27, 2019, 11:48:37 AM »
I have a drama that I can laugh at now but not so much at the time.  In 2014, my grandmother and mother died within 2 weeks of each other.  Shortly before she died, my grandmother had a come-to-Jesus with herself about the irresponsibility of her son, my stepfather.  She split her substantial estate into two parts: 50% directly to her daughter, who is very responsible and spent 10 years taking care of Grandma and Grandpa's financial affairs etc. long story.  50% in a spendthrift trust to my stepfather--he only gets the income, the principal is split between his kids (including the stepkids, which was nice of her--these folks really are my family, my mom and stepfather were together starting from when I was about 4) when the time comes.  The irresponsibility relates to his lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse that made my childhood and a substantial part of my adulthood hell.

Stepdad didn't take it well.  He actually called me (the judgmental one, ha ha) on the phone and said, and I quote, "IT SHOULD BE MY MONEY. IF I WANT TO SPEND IT ALL ON HOOKERS AND BLOW, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THAT."

Me: "Uh, you literally could have called any of the other 7 billion people on the planet and received a more sympathetic hearing than you're getting from me, bub.

Also, he's now harassing my aunt (the trustee!  lucky lucky her!) because he wants 200K of the principal to pay off his back taxes in a house he and my mom destroyed through animal hoarding and is 500 miles from where he now resides. 

And that's why I moved to another continent.