Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 818097 times)

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1500 on: December 31, 2018, 11:48:37 AM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

marty998

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1501 on: December 31, 2018, 02:43:09 PM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.


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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1502 on: December 31, 2018, 06:53:42 PM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.

Wasn't this the plot of a movie, "Brewster's Millions"? Had to spend some enormous sum in 30 days?

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1503 on: December 31, 2018, 07:00:37 PM »
I thought of so many ways to spend that money, even as a teenager it was clear to me how it could be spent without incurring the penalties or breaking rules.  Kind of a fun movie anyway.   

jengod

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1504 on: December 31, 2018, 07:19:34 PM »
I thought of so many ways to spend that money, even as a teenager it was clear to me how it could be spent without incurring the penalties or breaking rules.  Kind of a fun movie anyway.   

FWIW, it was a novel first!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brewster%27s_Millions


Don't have an inheritance drama right now EXCEPT that I was thrilled to find out that a near in-law finally (may?) have created an estate plan. He is a spendthrift and a hoarder with at least three mortgages, two pets and he often falls asleep while driving. I had the worst feeling that if he died intestate that the estate cleanup would fall to me somehow, but I seem to be off the hook. If he dies suddenly, I think the pets are the only thing I might have to handle. Whoo!

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1505 on: January 01, 2019, 08:16:25 AM »
I am surprised my husband's step-sister-in-law didn't show up with a moving van after his mother's funeral. My husband's stepfather and mother got married in their 60s and kept their finances separate. I don't know why she expected a huge windfall. Her husband finally calmed her down, but it made for a stressful time.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1506 on: January 01, 2019, 12:47:02 PM »
I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1507 on: January 01, 2019, 08:48:35 PM »
So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 
Heh, I say let 'em have the RV.  From what I've heard, they're a lot like a timeshare--expensive to maintain and depreciate like a luxury sports car.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1508 on: January 02, 2019, 06:47:46 AM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.

I think they're on the same hedonic treadmill as a lot of people, hoping that spending the money now will improve their lives and make them happier.  They do make some good financial decisions, such as when they got married and spent as little as they could on the wedding.  I just wish I could have helped them set up a little nest egg, but I think if I had pressed the issue it would have alienated them.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1509 on: January 02, 2019, 03:15:14 PM »
So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 
Heh, I say let 'em have the RV.  From what I've heard, they're a lot like a timeshare--expensive to maintain and depreciate like a luxury sports car.

I agree on letting them have the RV for the same reasons.   Sister will no doubt see it was a great thing but in reality it will probably be more work and expense than anticipated for whoever gets it.

My in-laws have a bunch of artwork and sculptures that are presumed to be worth a lot from their spendthrifts days at the local galleries.  Maybe they are worth a lot but I sort of doubt it.   Sister in law is expecting to get these items and DH is more than happy to let her as he's been in the gallery scene for a year or so and saw the incredible markups.  We are not sure the items will fetch anywhere near what they cost.   

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1510 on: January 03, 2019, 03:15:30 AM »
I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

Really ask yourself if it's worth the effort and strife to do this.  What would happen if you took the stuff you wanted and looked after the truly valuable items (let's say anything over $1000) and let her pillage the rest?  You would likely end up a couple thousand dollars less well-off.  You will have inherited a couple thousand dollars less.  (And that's if she makes off with $4000 worth of stuff, which is quite a lot when we are talking only low value items--used furnishing and keepsakes.)  But you will save yourself the headache and the heartache.  And the time.  Why?  So she doesn't get to "win" by maybe a couple thousand dollars?  Yes, it's messed up that [if] she would do that.  But digging in your heels over a relatively small amount of money seems awfully stubborn, and likely to cause you much unnecessary anguish.  It seems to me like it would be much better to draw a healthy boundary that is somewhere a bit away from "exactly 50/50, even for knick knacks and used furniture".  Protect that boundary, and let her indulge her ugliness and greed up to that line. 

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1511 on: January 03, 2019, 07:09:17 AM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1512 on: January 03, 2019, 07:35:14 AM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.

Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 

And frankly, someone who is going to nitpick about a sibling perhaps getting a china cabinet and some figurines more than they did would be a candidate for an "inheritance drama" post themselves, IMO.  Because that is stuff that doesn't matter, but they are throwing a tantrum about it and keeping an exact score of who gets what. 


Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1513 on: January 03, 2019, 07:59:03 AM »
I have put off posting on this topic until the estate is finally buttoned up, but my brother just reminded me of this tidbit that I'd already mostly forgotten. For [reasons], my black sheep sister ended up with my parent's late-model car. Not my choice, but I got outvoted by my sibs. My brother gave it to her with the caveat that she was NOT to drive it to the memorial service, which of course, she did. She managed to park it right up front, where it was visible to one and all during the entire service.

This came up because we just sent everyone $1k two days before Christmas. She called him yesterday to ask for more money. FWIW, most of the estate has been disbursed. He was warning me to expect a call from her, because we're co-executors. Yeah, that's a call I won't be taking.

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1514 on: January 03, 2019, 10:02:13 AM »
Is it a fancy car that stands out or was your brother trying to help her out quietly?

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1515 on: January 03, 2019, 12:57:45 PM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.
Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 
You're right, but that's not the point I was trying to make.  What I was trying to say is that no matter where you divide the inheritance, the sister may throw a tantrum.  So you might as well draw the line somewhat to the sister's disadvantage, knowing in advance that she'll kick and scream about being treated unfairly.  Then you can gracefully cede some ground to make her happy, without giving up any of your half.

And yeah, a lot of these stories sound like little kids who care less about having something than they do about having something at someone else's expense.

marty998

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1516 on: January 03, 2019, 01:55:47 PM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.
Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 
You're right, but that's not the point I was trying to make.  What I was trying to say is that no matter where you divide the inheritance, the sister may throw a tantrum.  So you might as well draw the line somewhat to the sister's disadvantage, knowing in advance that she'll kick and scream about being treated unfairly.  Then you can gracefully cede some ground to make her happy, without giving up any of your half.

And yeah, a lot of these stories sound like little kids who care less about having something than they do about having something at someone else's expense.

True, but how about the Sister learns to be an adult and not behave inappropriately?

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1517 on: January 03, 2019, 03:20:11 PM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.
Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 
You're right, but that's not the point I was trying to make.  What I was trying to say is that no matter where you divide the inheritance, the sister may throw a tantrum.  So you might as well draw the line somewhat to the sister's disadvantage, knowing in advance that she'll kick and scream about being treated unfairly.  Then you can gracefully cede some ground to make her happy, without giving up any of your half.

And yeah, a lot of these stories sound like little kids who care less about having something than they do about having something at someone else's expense.

True, but how about the Sister learns to be an adult and not behave inappropriately?

If at any point you learn the secret to make other people change their behavior and develop a better character, you'll be granted a Nobel prize of some kind. Failing that, each of us has to settle for controlling the things we *can* control, which has mostly to do with our own behavior and choices.

We'd all like to make assholes less asshole-is but we just don't have the power.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1518 on: January 04, 2019, 07:14:32 AM »
Sorry, been away from the thread.

Oh, yah, she can have it all-  take the motorhome and all the cars.  And I will deduct it all from her side of the balance sheet and take the equal portion in cash for my side.  Fortunately the parents have a paid-for lake home and any imbalance will be taken from that and it should cover it completely. 

My point was that sister will expect to just grab all the stuff and then also have half the house and half the cash.  Not. Gonna. Happen.  She can grab all the material possessions she wants but it is coming out her half. I will give her a "deal" on the value of each of those bits of rolling stock since I won't have to go through the hassle of liquidating them but they will certainly not be freely given from the estate just cuz she wants it that way.   

Simple as that.  She can be the same grubby little creep she has always been but I control the ledger and final balance sheet.  It will be stressful but she is not going to change. 

On the low-dollar items, I suppose I could come up with a blanket estimate for the small bits rather than itemized.  When my former in-laws died we did have an actual garage sale.  SIL showed up expecting to walk away with a fistful of cash.  Nope.  The money went into the estate for distribution to all of the siblings as named in the will which wasn't settled for another 5 months.  People just don't get it--they think it is a big grab-athon and they can just walk off with things.
 
The best thing that could happen is that my parents live a long, long time and spend their last dollar on the day of their death.  Use all of their money to have excellent health support and services and then keel over as they tip the daily maid with their last sawbuck.  Fingers crossed. 
« Last Edit: January 04, 2019, 07:18:42 AM by MissNancyPryor »

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1519 on: January 04, 2019, 08:19:00 AM »
Sorry, been away from the thread.

Oh, yah, she can have it all-  take the motorhome and all the cars.  And I will deduct it all from her side of the balance sheet and take the equal portion in cash for my side.  Fortunately the parents have a paid-for lake home and any imbalance will be taken from that and it should cover it completely. 

My point was that sister will expect to just grab all the stuff and then also have half the house and half the cash.  Not. Gonna. Happen.  She can grab all the material possessions she wants but it is coming out her half. I will give her a "deal" on the value of each of those bits of rolling stock since I won't have to go through the hassle of liquidating them but they will certainly not be freely given from the estate just cuz she wants it that way.   

Simple as that.  She can be the same grubby little creep she has always been but I control the ledger and final balance sheet.  It will be stressful but she is not going to change. 

On the low-dollar items, I suppose I could come up with a blanket estimate for the small bits rather than itemized.  When my former in-laws died we did have an actual garage sale.  SIL showed up expecting to walk away with a fistful of cash.  Nope.  The money went into the estate for distribution to all of the siblings as named in the will which wasn't settled for another 5 months.  People just don't get it--they think it is a big grab-athon and they can just walk off with things.
 
The best thing that could happen is that my parents live a long, long time and spend their last dollar on the day of their death.  Use all of their money to have excellent health support and services and then keel over as they tip the daily maid with their last sawbuck.  Fingers crossed.
This is exactly what happened with my sister and the car. My plan was to do exactly what you outlined, but alas, I have a co-executor. You see, my mom had instructed us to put our names on anything we wanted in the house, meaning futniture, tchotchkes, etc. My sister shimmied under the car, wrote her name on the chassis, and told everyone what she did. Ha Ha, you're funny, sez one and all, it's part of the estate. Nothing that anyone else chose had much more than sentimental value.

When the remaining parent died, she harassed the shit out of the other co-executor until he gave her the car. Then all my siblings "voted" to let her keep it, and divide the proceeds without regard to the value of the car. Yup, this is the sister who "took care" of my parents for more than a few years while she was voluntarily unemployed. During which she was on the parental life support system, and worked them like a pro. Later, still unemployed but not doing the caretaking, she embezzled at least $11,000 by using their CC at a casino ATM. Fuck you, asshole.

MNP, be glad there is no co-executor.  My parents thought it would ease the burden. It did not. My father was an invalid for the last year of his life.  My brother, and his angel on earth of a wife, took excellent care of him in their home. Since my brother had been handling Dad's affairs, it was logical for him to continue to do so, at least initially. My shark sister took advantage of his genuine grief. Eventually, I had to step in and be the "bad guy". Have I already said, "fuck you, asshole"?

In my earlier comment, I mentioned there was much redacted. Even this tale is just a snippet of the shit she has pulled. A forensic accountant would have had a field day, but the estate was not large, and I value my relationships with the rest of my family.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1520 on: January 04, 2019, 11:18:05 AM »
The best thing that could happen is that my parents live a long, long time and spend their last dollar on the day of their death.  Use all of their money to have excellent health support and services and then keel over as they tip the daily maid with their last sawbuck.  Fingers crossed.

The above is exactly what I have said about my in-laws.   And it could happen as they recently sold their second home because they could no longer afford to keep it. 

My SIL is a lot like your sister, MNP, she has gotten insane amounts of financial support from her parents, has "worked them like a pro" to get whatever she wants for herself or her kids.  Even though she has a husband who has mostly made a good income over the years.  It has continued well into MIL/FIL's retirement.   It would be different if there was long term unemployment, health issues, disability or some other misfortune but none of these issues have happened.

JGS1980

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1521 on: January 04, 2019, 11:42:11 AM »
I feel bad for a lot of these people.... MORE is never ENOUGH. As they never have ENOUGH, than can never be truly happy. They are always seeking out MORE, but can never get there because they do not understand that STUFF is just something they want to fill in the empty space.

They all need a big 'ole dose of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

JGS

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1522 on: January 04, 2019, 06:19:57 PM »
Ditto what JGS said!

JGS1980

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1523 on: January 04, 2019, 07:04:39 PM »
Ditto what JGS said!

A little dose of Mustachian behavioral therapy wouldn’t hurt either

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1524 on: January 09, 2019, 07:00:01 AM »
I've had several facebook friends share a clip from a Dr. Phil show in which the 15-year-old daughter is asking her mom for a $2,500/month allowance, and a "G-wagon", which I guess is a car, but it's a lot nicer than a Mercedes C-Class.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1525 on: January 09, 2019, 07:04:52 AM »
I've had several facebook friends share a clip from a Dr. Phil show in which the 15-year-old daughter is asking her mom for a $2,500/month allowance, and a "G-wagon", which I guess is a car, but it's a lot nicer than a Mercedes C-Class.
Does this fit here because the kid is working so hard on spending it now that there won't be an inhertiance?

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1526 on: January 09, 2019, 07:50:25 AM »
I've had several facebook friends share a clip from a Dr. Phil show in which the 15-year-old daughter is asking her mom for a $2,500/month allowance, and a "G-wagon", which I guess is a car, but it's a lot nicer than a Mercedes C-Class.
Gee, I wish I had a $2,500/mo allowance to spend on whatever I want.  TBH, though, since I have a full-time job and a wife and kids, I probably wouldn't have time to spend that much anyway, since I'd want to spend it on Stuff for Projects.

Meowmalade

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1527 on: January 14, 2019, 09:15:56 PM »
Recently found out that my grandpa had a life insurance policy (not sure why he still had one, as he was in his late 90's).  The beneficiaries were only my dad and my uncle, and excluded my aunt.  I felt so horrible for her since she'd already been treated like a second-class citizen for being a woman her whole life, and I'm sure that it hurt her deeply to find this out after her father's death.  It wasn't much money, but of course it's not about the money.

marty998

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1528 on: January 14, 2019, 11:30:01 PM »
Recently found out that my grandpa had a life insurance policy (not sure why he still had one, as he was in his late 90's).  The beneficiaries were only my dad and my uncle, and excluded my aunt.  I felt so horrible for her since she'd already been treated like a second-class citizen for being a woman her whole life, and I'm sure that it hurt her deeply to find this out after her father's death.  It wasn't much money, but of course it's not about the money.

I hope your dad and uncle shared the proceeds after the fact?

Meowmalade

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1529 on: January 15, 2019, 12:12:49 AM »
Recently found out that my grandpa had a life insurance policy (not sure why he still had one, as he was in his late 90's).  The beneficiaries were only my dad and my uncle, and excluded my aunt.  I felt so horrible for her since she'd already been treated like a second-class citizen for being a woman her whole life, and I'm sure that it hurt her deeply to find this out after her father's death.  It wasn't much money, but of course it's not about the money.

I hope your dad and uncle shared the proceeds after the fact?

My dad is dead, so as the executor of my grandpa's estate my uncle is giving my dad's share to me and my sister, which is the only reason I know about this.  When I heard about my aunt not being included, I said we should split it but my uncle said best not to bring it up and it's so little money (in the hundreds of dollars) that it won't make a difference to her.  I'm just horrified at what a shitty thing my grandpa did.

DadJokes

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1530 on: January 15, 2019, 09:18:15 AM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day. When daughters married, they would leave their family and join their husband's family.

I knew I would get something out of reading Pride and Prejudice. I guess my high school English teacher was right.

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1531 on: January 15, 2019, 10:14:34 AM »
Recently found out that my grandpa had a life insurance policy (not sure why he still had one, as he was in his late 90's).  The beneficiaries were only my dad and my uncle, and excluded my aunt.  I felt so horrible for her since she'd already been treated like a second-class citizen for being a woman her whole life, and I'm sure that it hurt her deeply to find this out after her father's death.  It wasn't much money, but of course it's not about the money.

I hope your dad and uncle shared the proceeds after the fact?

My dad is dead, so as the executor of my grandpa's estate my uncle is giving my dad's share to me and my sister, which is the only reason I know about this.  When I heard about my aunt not being included, I said we should split it but my uncle said best not to bring it up and it's so little money (in the hundreds of dollars) that it won't make a difference to her.  I'm just horrified at what a shitty thing my grandpa did.

I'd pass it along to the Aunt just like if the grandfather meant it to go to her even if it came out of my pocket.

Amazing how we humans can treat each other based on factors we can't change such as race or gender. Racism and patriarchy can't fade away fast enough for me.

Hula Hoop

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1532 on: January 15, 2019, 11:50:19 AM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day. When daughters married, they would leave their family and join their husband's family.

I knew I would get something out of reading Pride and Prejudice. I guess my high school English teacher was right.


I doubt this grandpa was around when Pride and Prejudice was written.  My mother in law and her sister were cut out of their parents will so that just her two brothers inherited the farm where they grew up.  Neither she nor her sister ever spoke to their brothers again.  And this all happened in the 1950s.  So it definitely wasn't the norm even back then.

Meowmalade

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1533 on: January 15, 2019, 12:53:44 PM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.

I'd pass it along to the Aunt just like if the grandfather meant it to go to her even if it came out of my pocket.

It's complicated since we aren't even in the same country...

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1534 on: January 15, 2019, 01:41:15 PM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.


Was she younger than the two males?  Perhaps he just forgot to update the policy?  (One can hope.)

Meowmalade

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1535 on: January 15, 2019, 01:59:09 PM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.


Was she younger than the two males?  Perhaps he just forgot to update the policy?  (One can hope.)

This aunt is the oldest... and actually, my other aunt who would have been alive when the beneficiaries were updated was left out as well!  :(

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1536 on: January 15, 2019, 04:29:28 PM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.


Was she younger than the two males?  Perhaps he just forgot to update the policy?  (One can hope.)

This aunt is the oldest... and actually, my other aunt who would have been alive when the beneficiaries were updated was left out as well!  :(

Insurance is routinely used as a tool to equalize an inheritance. I'm not saying that it happened in this specific case. But there are some families in which some of the adult kids receive substantially more financial support from their parents during their lifetime. I'm talking about a vehicle, education, big weddings, support post-divorce, or other things parents sometimes provide for one child but not for another. If any of that happened, even decades before, the insurance policy could have been an equalization plan.

mm1970

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1537 on: January 16, 2019, 10:51:09 AM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.


Was she younger than the two males?  Perhaps he just forgot to update the policy?  (One can hope.)

This aunt is the oldest... and actually, my other aunt who would have been alive when the beneficiaries were updated was left out as well!  :(

I still think it's not as uncommon as people think in the US - especially for people of that age.  My grandparents had 7 children.  You'll find my "story" way up in the thread.  His will/trust was divided into two.  Your daughters got married and became part of the man's family.  So his trust had about a half a million in one and about $200,000 in the other.  The two boys split the half mil and the 3 girls and surviving daughter in law split the $200,000.  (Third son got part of the business while grandpa was still alive.)

Maybe it's a rural thing, maybe a Catholic thing?  Dunno. 

haflander

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1538 on: January 16, 2019, 11:19:39 AM »
I agree with mm1970. Unfortunately, this kind of old-school (ancient) way of life is very alive and well in some parts of our country, the richest on Earth. My mother is the oldest of 5 and recently went through inheritance drama regarding her father's estate that I won't get in to here. She grew up on a farm in Kansas, and the land and money was viewed by my grandparents as a very territorial thing you hold on to forever, f*** what your kids think is best. Sons are very favored. Granted, we're talking about rural Kansas, but also 2019. This mentality is how an 80-something-year-old man works on his farm right up until he goes to his deathbed. Climbing into tractors. Buying a fancy custom off-road-style wheelchair. I believe he was "working" a month before he died. I imagine he equated retirement with death. He believed his value and the meaning of life was work...nothing else.

My mother was with her mom when talking to the pastor about my grandfather and the eulogy at the service. Pastor is asking ?s, trying to get details about this guy he never knew that he's about to eulogize. Paraphrasing:
Pastor: "well, you'd say he was a family man, right? family was always most important?"
Grandma: "no. work always came before family."

Makes me sick. This is the absolute last thing I would want my wife to say at my funeral. I had a pretty positive feeling toward my grandfather 5 years ago (even 1, during the inheritance drama). I guess I still do in some ways. But the above statement changed a lot of things in my mind.

/rant

BTDretire

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1539 on: January 16, 2019, 06:27:42 PM »
  Nobody suffered because Aunt Bea's special bread & butter pickle recipe was buried with her. 

 Aunt Bea's pickles were terrible, it's just that Andy and Barney couldn't bring themselves to tell her! :-)

Secretly Saving

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1540 on: January 22, 2019, 04:20:41 PM »
I'm seeing this division based on gender right now in my spouse's family.  Two boys will split an inheritance and their sister will be left out.  Truth is, she probably doesn't need the money, but neither do the boys, so for it to be divided by gender is both depressing and maddening and creating a rift between them all.  Not worth it!

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1541 on: January 23, 2019, 06:57:49 AM »
Suppose you are one of two boys, and there's a sister who's been largely left out of the estate. If you take your half of the estate, and you give half of that ish to your sister, you still have 25% of the estate (a fair share would be 33%, so you have better than 3/4 of what a fair share would be), and you've demonstrated to your adult sister that you believe in fairness and equality. Seems like the kind of investment that could save the family.

Why wouldn't you do that? Taxes?

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1542 on: January 23, 2019, 07:39:20 AM »
Suppose you are one of two boys, and there's a sister who's been largely left out of the estate. If you take your half of the estate, and you give half of that ish to your sister, you still have 25% of the estate (a fair share would be 33%, so you have better than 3/4 of what a fair share would be), and you've demonstrated to your adult sister that you believe in fairness and equality. Seems like the kind of investment that could save the family.

Why wouldn't you do that? Taxes?

I would do that.

My wife would do that for her brothers but not her sister.  (Not because of gender, but because of prior actions.)

I don't believe most people would do that.   They'll find whatever reason that would possibly justify keeping all the money for themselves and swallow it whole.

Hula Hoop

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1543 on: January 23, 2019, 09:26:30 AM »
I'm seeing this division based on gender right now in my spouse's family.  Two boys will split an inheritance and their sister will be left out.  Truth is, she probably doesn't need the money, but neither do the boys, so for it to be divided by gender is both depressing and maddening and creating a rift between them all.  Not worth it!

This is truly depressing.  I can't believe that this is happening in 2019.

wbranch

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1544 on: January 23, 2019, 12:07:14 PM »
I come from a farming background and have worked with a lot of different farmers from a professional standpoint as well. I do think it does make sense to have an uneven inheritance in situations where family keeps on farming it and there is an established plan in place. I saw multiple situations where the non-farming "kids" (loosely said since they were 50-60 yrs old) did not give a shit about the farm until prices started going up in the mid 2000s. Then all they saw were $$$'s and wanted their "fair share". In many cases it was sons inheriting, but there were also situations where it was daughters and their husbands that had taken over the farms. Rarely was their cash available to purchase the farm and inheriting the equity was the main compensation for years of low wages.

I do know of a couple situations where the farms were sold and split up equally and the kids farming got their equal chunk of cash. They were pissed in all cases that they lost "their" farm. In those cases I think it made sense to split up since there had been poor planning and nothing in place to keep the farm going. The kids farming did not have experience managing the farm. Just did what they were told for years without really learning anything about farming.

My brother purchased the family farm from my parents at a substantial discount and I would be PO'd if he sold and pocketed cash without splitting it with siblings. But at some point he will have earned it, not sure how long. Maybe another 5-10 years?

My wife's family farms in an area that has some of the highest farmland values in the country. They have said my wife's share of inheritance will be much lower than her brothers since she is not involved with the farm. It would be split equally if we moved to the area and were involved with the farm. Maybe crazy not to be more involved when were are talking mid to high 7 figures. But I guess the trade-off seems worthwhile to us. I do see some issues with this situation since my BIL and his wife do not plan to have kids and want to be retired in 20 years and move away from the area. There is a good chance my in-laws will still be alive another 20 years, so who knows what will happen. There are other potential issues here that will likely cause some drama and I know my wife will want me to be involved, so not a lot to look forward to. At least we are putting ourselves in a position with our personal finances where it will not matter.

My wife's grandpa died a few years ago in his 90s and split everything equally between 5 kids. 2 sons had their own farms and individual net worths already around $10M. One son had passed away and his son and daughter received 1/2 of his 1/5. The only one that complained about things being unfair was the dumbass grandson wondering if grandpa really only wanted him to get $2.5M. He was also asking about inheritance right after the funeral. Him and his wife had huge financial issues, filed bankruptcy a few years before and many other poor decisions. So I imagine they have done a pretty good job pissing a lot of it away, but most of it was land with good cash rents so it is probably better for them to just get the checks in the mail instead of sell and have a pile of cash. Most of the family does not talk to him any more so I have not heard any updates lately.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1545 on: January 23, 2019, 01:35:26 PM »
My grandparents on my mom's side had a family farm.   All the kids moved away and made their way in the world away from the farm.  While my grandparents were still alive, 2 of their 3 children (including my mom) kicked in money to purchase more farmland.

When my grandparents died, the original family farm was split equally 3 ways.   The additional farm land was split equally between the two children who had paid for it.

There was no drama because they are all good people with good heads on their shoulders.

My parents passed on and I inherited their 1/3 and 1/2 portions of the two farms.  Two corporations were set up to hold ownership of the land, so technically I inherited the equivalent proportions of those corporations.

My uncle and aunt are still alive and retain their shares.

I expect they'll pass on their shares to their children.  Each have 3 children.  I don't know any details because, frankly, it's none of my business.   Out of my six cousins, 4 won't rock the boat and cause problems for anyone else.   The other two, well, there's no telling.   Hopefully we'll be able to buy them out if they do.   I think the crop sharing arrangement we have in place is a better deal than the lump sum land price would be.

dramathrowaway

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1546 on: February 06, 2019, 09:52:23 PM »
Oh boy, a thread for me to vent on...

Here's my story (so far:)

Grandparents set up a custodial UTMA account for me when I was young, naming my mother the custodian. Custodial UTMA accounts are a unique kind of gift: the money is the beneficiary's property from the moment it's deposited in the account, and outside of a few exceptions, the money is turned over the the beneficiary at age 21. My grandfather originally intended for it to pay for my college expenses. (This was actually a poor decision, due to financial aid requirements.)

I found out about the account around age 16 or so, and started depositing my own money in it, as my mother was investing it (on my behalf) into CDs and mutual funds. I didn't have to put the money, there -- I could've kept it under my mattress as cash, or even spent it. But I wanted to save it, and was enamored by the idea of compound interest, and how my small art commissions would add up, over the years.

Here's where it turns shitty. My parents refused to use the money for my college, insisting they pay for my college expenses, themselves. Wanting the freedom to choose my own major (I wanted to be an electrical engineer, and my parents outright laughed at me, and insisted that women don't make good engineers. For the record, I had the grades for it, and was an honors student.) I even asked if I could only use the portion of the funds I'd deposited, myself, but they said no. After that, I tried applying for loans, scholarships, and financial assistance, wanting to pay my own way so there wouldn't be any strings attached. I got some scholarships, but not enough to cover all of my tuition. The custodial account (given that it is counted as my property, no matter that I'm unable to withdraw from it,) made me ineligible for financial aid, and the parents found & tore up the loan docs, harassing & belittling me for even trying. They were insistent, and I eventually capitulated. Looking back, I should've kept trying, but I was too afraid of what they might escalate to, next.

I've since speculated this was due to a possible tax break they'd get, giving me this gift (the tuition.) They considered the custodial money "theirs," and were looking for a way to save more money. I didn't mind cutting them a break, except for the part where they were blocking me from my dream career. Simultaneously, they complained to my grandparents that my college was incredibly expensive, and that I was too incompetent to get myself any scholarships (this was a lie,) which encouraged my grandparents to gift "me" more money -- my mother took the cash gift, and I assume it offset most of my college expenses. This is something of a habit for them, and my grandparents regularly gift them cash. It should be noted that my parents are quite wealthy (they outright own multiple rental properties, invest most of their income, and have little spending (they live off of a portion of the interest/rent), & have no debt.) They didn't need to dig into their savings to pay for my college.

Once I turned 21, my mother was supposed to sign the account over, ending custodianship. She refused, lying and claiming the account never existed. (I eventually spoke to the bank and confirmed the account existed.) I became suspicious, but decided to let it go, & accept the money I'd invested as lost, as they had paid for my college (no matter the overt sexist undertones.) I needed to focus on internships (and save my own money, this time in my own account.) As this went on, my mother strongly insisted on doing all my taxes, refusing to let me see my own tax documents. Again, I felt suspicious. She said she was doing me a favor, that taxes were "too difficult" for me at that age, etc. I was deeply skeptical of that claim, but was (again) bullied into silence when I started to investigate.

This year, I turned 26, and am living across the country from them. It seems unreasonable to have my mother do my taxes for me, due to unrelated quarrels (she dislikes that I have a girlfriend, and has claimed to have written me out of the will for being gay. She also said she plans to withhold my tax documents from me, and from the IRS, in order to get them to give me a 10% "penalty." I made sure to re-route all my mail to my new address, so this seems like an empty threat. I've also never expected to inherit most of their wealth, given that I knew how my mother would react to any girlfriends. I still don't know why she is demanding to do my taxes, though I'm beginning to suspect there are more accounts in my name I don't know about...)

A little before the girlfriend-blowout, I learned that the money hasn't been reinvested since 2011, and has been just sitting in the account, losing value. She's illegally refusing to sign it over, and the brokerage firm can't reinvest it with her as custodian (at least, as far as I understand it,) because she isn't legally (or otherwise) my guardian. The bank is in an awkward spot -- their official policy is that the custodian needs to sign over the account, but legally the custodian is required to do so when the beneficiary turns 21, unless the custodian can prove the beneficiary is mentally incompetent, or otherwise unfit. (That typically means: documented drug problems/alcoholism, problems with the law, mental illness or disability requiring adult guardianship. I have no such issues.) I asked her again about the account (this time with information from the bank,) and she told me it is actually a trust, and that I'm "never seeing a penny," and that she "can do whatever" she wants, with it.This was, again, before she even learned about the girlfriend. I called the bank, again, and they confirmed that the account is a custodial UTMA, not a trust, and that my mother was legally obligated to sign away custodianship when I turned 21.

Everyone I've told this story to has strongly advised me to get a lawyer, and I hesitated for months, hoping some reasonable solution could be reached. (For example, giving me a portion of the funds to invest in index funds, so that I could demonstrate that I'm a responsible investor, but every possible compromise was rejected.) The bank said that if I can get a court order, they'll happily turn it over. I also checked to make sure my mother hasn't drained the account, but it seems she hasn't. (A little after that, my mother discovered the girlfriend, and we had our largely-unrelated fight.)

I think I'd understand her reluctance if I'd been demonstrated to be bad with money, but you're talking to the person who has saved every penny since starting high school, who made an effort to learn about investing (my parents refused to teach me, and I worried I'd make poor, uninformed decisions about money if I didn't know anything about saving.) I've no arrests, no drug/alcohol problems, interned for two years while earning my Master's degree, do DIY projects, run my own side-business, and took to mustachian living early on. I don't have a car, bike everywhere, don't have a cable subscription, etc.

She refused to sign it over, even before learning I wasn't straight, so it can't only be that. Before, she said the money would be put aside for when I wanted to buy a house, but when I mentioned getting out of the renter's trap, and buying a house (combining my then-savings with the money in the custodial account,) she said I was far too young to be a homeowner (I was 25,) and that I'm... (she changed her argument with every conversation: ...too young, too lazy, need a husband before thinking about home-ownership, need to live with them because she's lonely, wouldn't mow my own grass because I'm afraid of dirt (I have my own garden, for chrissake,) ...and need to solve those issues first, before even thinking about home ownership. They were against me moving out, too, which ended up having to be done somewhat secretly, to avoid continued harassment.) It was exasperating. I could neither invest it, nor use it for what my mother claimed to want me to use it on. She couldn't invest it, either. It was just sitting there, and either investing it or buying a house would speed up FI by years.

I've tried talking to intermediaries that would sway her, (again, before she discovered the girlfriend.) My grandfather wants me to have the money, but my mother told him the money was all spent on my college, and that I'm trying to extort them. I don't think he really believes her, but she's the one managing his finances, now, so he isn't in much of a position to fight back. My father believes anything my mother tells him, (in this case, that I've "never worked a day" in my life, and that I'm "completely refusing to work." She once convinced my dad that I was running away to join a cult, of all things. Another time, she attempted to convince my dad that 16-year-old me was incapable of bathing myself. (What? I'm neither mentally nor physically impaired.) She also regularly accused my father of various ills, and attempted to convince a younger me that he was abusing her. (He wasn't.))

In the end, what decided my response was the need for an unexpected surgery & a coinciding unexpected period of unemployment, after she confronted me about the girlfriend. It wiped out most of my savings, and my (former-second, now-primary) stream of income is slowly growing, but not fast enough to cover expenses. That's largely why I'm back on this site -- a means of finding non-obvious ways to reduce spending.

So, I've gotten a lawyer. I dislike doing it, and it feels scummy. Growing up, I was taught I owed everything to them, and I mean EVERYTHING. My art talent/skill wasn't my own, neither were my grades, study habits, etc. They even said my friends only liked me due to my parents' large house! Looking back, this is abusive behavior. (And for the sake of brevity, I'm leaving out descriptions of the years of physical abuse, including chemical burns, and other assorted, but mostly unrelated, abuse.) They weren't parents trying to prepare their child for the world -- they wanted me under their control, and dependent on them (or another male authority figure.) Their primary goal when I attended college was for me to find a husband, for chrissake. I know this is going to wreck whatever remains of my relationship to my mother, and likely the rest of my biological family, too. But given the girlfriend-arguments and already strained relationship, I'm not sure that's much of a loss.

I could let the money go, but I've now been unemployed* for near 6 months, and my savings are drying up. It's getting spooky, and the medical problems aren't going away, either. At this pace, I'll either end up homeless** in four months, or will be couch surfing on friends' couches until I run out of social capital.

It's a shitty situation, all around. I wish I had a better idea.

And I suppose I'm writing this all down, here, because I still feel like an entitled, lazy, and spoiled child for suing them, and it's mostly my fault I'm in this position, in the first place. I decided I was secure enough to have a girlfriend. I could've played it safe, just let her go, not dated her, and I wouldn't be in this position. I could've also prioritized financial safety more than I did (and lived with my parents,) over moving out & getting away from them. I thought the amount of runway I'd given myself was enough, and I was wrong. I made the mess, and I should accept my consequences with grace, and stop complaining.

Expressing this viewpoint to my chosen family/friends has not gone over well, and as the situation worsens, my options are narrowing to homelessness, asking for more leniency or even help from my friends, or getting the court order. I'd rather be homeless than burden my friends, and I'd rather get the court order than be homeless.

I retained the lawyer this past week, and anytime I think about it, I still feel like I'm a bad person. It's hard to believe the people in my life who think I've been wronged, in part because they're so obviously on my side. But you, dear internet strangers, don't know me from Adam.


* unemployment: in my current profession (a specialized branch of data science), every job I've applied to wants either a PhD, or 5-8 years of industry experience. I've applied to everything even remotely related in the area, even if they require a PhD, but I only got two callbacks in six months. I'm taking up small projects, and am attempting to learn more in my field, in the hopes that demonstrating skill will be enough. I've also had professionals review my resume. I'm not making obvious errors: no tacky/sleazy social media posts, no disciplinary action, left on good terms with previous supervisors/professors, etc. The advice of those in my field has been to get a PhD. Without a full scholarship, though, that seems infeasible. (Also, some portion of financial aid depends on need, and I don't qualify.)

I've additionally tried minimum wage places, but they balk at the lack of service experience, and the Master's degree. I've been even going online looking for tutoring gigs, (I have previous experience as a tutor and TA,) but so far, no luck.

Lately, in addition to applying to as many jobs as I can, I've been pouring energy into my side business (illustration,) and am hoping more commissions will start coming in, but that's moving slowly. I'm not giving up by any means, though. There are likely options I just haven't thought of or tried, yet.

** homelessness: the rest of the family is about-as or more uncomfortable with LGBT folk, as my parents. I can't stay with them, or with my parents. (Pretending to go back in the closet would be met with disbelief and scorn -- I've already shamed the family, and that "shame" cannot be undone.) My roommates are letting me pay reduced rent until I get a job, in exchange for labor, but they'll eventually run out of patience, I expect. I don't believe I can get cheaper rent in my area, as it stands. My current expenses can be boiled down to rent (includes utilities,) groceries, and my (cheap google-fi) phone plan, and (rare) interactions with public transit.




« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 10:04:41 PM by dramathrowaway »

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1547 on: February 06, 2019, 10:21:39 PM »
@dramathrowaway ,   

I'll be very blunt.  Instruct your lawyer to show no mercy.  Your mother deserves whatever the law tosses at her, including jail.
You have no reason to be nice.   Your own mother is stealing from you.   If you end up getting her put into jail for it, feel good about yourself.

I see no reason to deal with her ever again once you get your money.   If your dad participated or condoned the abuse, ditto for him.   

It's not your fault that your mother is scum.

And you sound pretty amazing.  Yeah, you.

Goldielocks

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1548 on: February 06, 2019, 10:35:02 PM »
Okay, Dramathrowaway.... don't get a PhD, get an electrical engineering bachelor's degree.  Lots of jobs, espeically if you take a co-op program.   You just need to get your hands on the money to help pay for it.  Then you graduate with no student loans and lot of job prospects.

Actually, if you are good with illustration, look for a branch of engineering and design that requires hand drawing or modelling as part of your work.   I did plant layout and design and others I know did product desgin / mechanical design.  We needed lots of sketches to describe ideas.   Also lots of communication design work involved in putting together and writing large proposals to win projects, like winning the electrical control system for a new city transit system.   Heck, look into architecture, although the jobs may not be quite a plenitful at first.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1549 on: February 06, 2019, 10:40:00 PM »
You are not a bad person .
You are not a bad person.
You are not a bad person.

With a mother like that, it's a fucking miracle that you're a responsible, functioning, caring human being. She does not respect you now, so you literally have nothing to lose.

Nosy questions you don't have to answer: Is there anything weird in your birth story? Do you have siblings? Does she treat them the same way?
 
I hope you researched the shit out of that lawyer. You deserve everything they're going to get for you. BTW, contact the IRS and get copies of your tax returns asap. You dont need a lawyer to do that and I suspect there's some seriously incriminating evidence just waiting to be uncovered.

Finally, say nothing to your mother or any other family member. Not one word.