Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.

[Not Sure]

I thought it appropriate to add some levity to this thread.

Mom inherited a sugar cookie recipe with instructions that it was to STAY IN THE FAMILY.  This became problematic when a dear friend and fellow cook, Julia, requested the recipe.  Mom told the story and refused to share the recipe.

Turnabout is fair play and Julia had a recipe for mustard that was the envy of everyone.  Julia succumbed to cancer and never did get around to sharing that mustard recipe with Mom.

I suspect that some feelings were genuinely hurt by this which is too bad because it is otherwise a great story!

PS.  Julia was a professional cook and may not have been at liberty to share the mustard recipe anyway.  RIP, Julia!

[RetiredAt63]

I thought it appropriate to add some levity to this thread.

Mom inherited a sugar cookie recipe with instructions that it was to STAY IN THE FAMILY.  This became problematic when a dear friend and fellow cook, Julia, requested the recipe.  Mom told the story and refused to share the recipe.

Turnabout is fair play and Julia had a recipe for mustard that was the envy of everyone.  Julia succumbed to cancer and never did get around to sharing that mustard recipe with Mom.

I suspect that some feelings were genuinely hurt by this which is too bad because it is otherwise a great story!

PS.  Julia was a professional cook and may not have been at liberty to share the mustard recipe anyway.  RIP, Julia!

My sister was really upset when I shared a few family recipes outside the family.  My Mom had never said anything about them being "family-only".  So family-only recipes appear to be a "thing".

[former player]

I thought it appropriate to add some levity to this thread.

Mom inherited a sugar cookie recipe with instructions that it was to STAY IN THE FAMILY.  This became problematic when a dear friend and fellow cook, Julia, requested the recipe.  Mom told the story and refused to share the recipe.

Turnabout is fair play and Julia had a recipe for mustard that was the envy of everyone.  Julia succumbed to cancer and never did get around to sharing that mustard recipe with Mom.

I suspect that some feelings were genuinely hurt by this which is too bad because it is otherwise a great story!

PS.  Julia was a professional cook and may not have been at liberty to share the mustard recipe anyway.  RIP, Julia!

My sister was really upset when I shared a few family recipes outside the family.  My Mom had never said anything about them being "family-only".  So family-only recipes appear to be a "thing".

Definitely a "thing".  It took me two decades to get a recipe out of one of my aunts - I still have her hand-written copy.  I later found that the recipe was almost identical to one in a recipe book from 200 years earlier that was rediscovered long after I remember my aunt using the recipe.

[Dicey]

Funny how protective people can be about recipes. It seems totally selfish to me. Only "I" can make this perfect [fill in the blank]. In Not Sure's example, both women ended up hurting each other, which I suspect would have mortified both of them. If only they had looked at it from a different perspective. I suspect neither of them thought they were being petty or jealous, but that's all recipe guarding is. What does it cost/hurt anyone to share? Sad.

[sol]

If you had a prize-winning recipe in the family in that environment, I could maybe see why you would want to hang on to it.

I can't.  This seems like a net loss for society, like refusing to share your discovery of penicillin or the polio vaccine.  If you have something amazing and it costs you nothing to make the world a better place, why would you bury it?

These days, the internet has successfully killed this sort of behaviour, and good riddance.  The secret recipe for coke and KFC's 11 herbs and spices can be found online.  America's test kitchen publishes the results of twenty different empanada recipes and documents why the differences change the food.  Investors research your company's supply chain.  It's much harder to keep secrets these days.

[Zikoris]

If you had a prize-winning recipe in the family in that environment, I could maybe see why you would want to hang on to it.

I can't.  This seems like a net loss for society, like refusing to share your discovery of penicillin or the polio vaccine.  If you have something amazing and it costs you nothing to make the world a better place, why would you bury it?

These days, the internet has successfully killed this sort of behaviour, and good riddance.  The secret recipe for coke and KFC's 11 herbs and spices can be found online.  America's test kitchen publishes the results of twenty different empanada recipes and documents why the differences change the food.  Investors research your company's supply chain.  It's much harder to keep secrets these days.

Totally. People ask me for recipes all the time. Especially my pumpkin pie and peanut butter cookie recipes. I'm like, "Take it! Go make ALL the delicious food!" Spread the gospel!"

[RetiredAt63]

If you had a prize-winning recipe in the family in that environment, I could maybe see why you would want to hang on to it.

I can't.  This seems like a net loss for society, like refusing to share your discovery of penicillin or the polio vaccine.  If you have something amazing and it costs you nothing to make the world a better place, why would you bury it?

These days, the internet has successfully killed this sort of behaviour, and good riddance.  The secret recipe for coke and KFC's 11 herbs and spices can be found online.  America's test kitchen publishes the results of twenty different empanada recipes and documents why the differences change the food.  Investors research your company's supply chain.  It's much harder to keep secrets these days.

Totally. People ask me for recipes all the time. Especially my pumpkin pie and peanut butter cookie recipes. I'm like, "Take it! Go make ALL the delicious food!" Spread the gospel!"

And if your whole circle has the recipe, then anyone can make it and bring it to a gathering - you are not suddenly making a triple batch because you are the only one who can make it!

[Just Joe]

If you had a prize-winning recipe in the family in that environment, I could maybe see why you would want to hang on to it.

I can't.  This seems like a net loss for society, like refusing to share your discovery of penicillin or the polio vaccine.  If you have something amazing and it costs you nothing to make the world a better place, why would you bury it?

These days, the internet has successfully killed this sort of behaviour, and good riddance.  The secret recipe for coke and KFC's 11 herbs and spices can be found online.  America's test kitchen publishes the results of twenty different empanada recipes and documents why the differences change the food.  Investors research your company's supply chain.  It's much harder to keep secrets these days.

That was something that really made me exciting about FOSS (free and open source software). Here were people sharing and working together to give the world some nice tools at no cost. It has leveled the tables so that the people lacking the money to buy fancy software still have free software to use and share. Do good things with it please...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_and_open-source_software

What would be the point of hoarding recipes in a family? Attention? At least share with relatives and friends. Hopefully those who inherit the recipes would share more feely.

[sol]

What would be the point of hoarding recipes in a family? Attention? At least share with relatives and friends. Hopefully those who inherit the recipes would share more feely.

As a (now retired) scientist, the whole idea of putting in thousands of hours to develop some great new thing and then NOT TELLING ANYONE HOW TO DO IT seems entirely contrary to the spirit in which such efforts are undertaken.  Scientists want recognition for their work, but that recognition comes in the form of other people imitating and reproducing it.  This is how society moves forward.  This is how civilization was built.  If your'e hoarding knowledge for yourself, you're literally evil.  In the sense that you're holding the rest of us back from achieving our rightful destiny.

I should not drink and cook and post all at the same time, but today has been a good day.  To all of you hoarding recipes from your neighbors, considers it a holiday good turn to spread the love.

[Dancin'Dog]

A lost or hoarded recipe isn't the same thing as a scientific discovery.  Recipes are more of an artistic form of expression.  Nobody suffered because Aunt Bea's special bread & butter pickle recipe was buried with her. 


Scientific, technical & medical discoveries are normally protected by patents that ensure the developers, inventors, and investors are well compensated. 


Aunt Bea loved to cook and her recipes made her feel special.  If you're special you can develope your own special recipes, and if you aren't special just go buy a jar of pickles. 

[Sugaree]

What would be the point of hoarding recipes in a family? Attention? At least share with relatives and friends. Hopefully those who inherit the recipes would share more feely.

Nearby high school has a locally-famous hot dog sauce that they sell at school events.  Think what would happen if a Coney-dog and a meatless chili-dog had a lovechild.  It's awesome.  The only way you're supposed to be able to get the recipe is to put in enough hours working the concession stand at various  games.  And (almost) everyone who knows the recipe is super protective of it because if everyone knew how to make them then they likely wouldn't have people stop by football games in Friday night just to pick some up for dinner.  I've often seen them cooked as fundraisers for various causes.  I can kind of see how people would think that keeping that recipe secret is kind of guarding an asset for them. 

[Dicey]

Dunno, in high school I dated a guy whose family had a killer BBQ sauce recipe and everyone was supposedly sworn to secrecy of the highest order. Problem is, they were kinda messy. Every time they made up a batch, they left all the ingredients out on the counter. Duh.

[RetiredAt63]

Dunno, in high school I dated a guy whose family had a killer BBQ sauce recipe and everyone was supposedly sworn to secrecy of the highest order. Problem is, they were kinda messy. Every time they made up a batch, they left all the ingredients out on the counter. Duh.

It's not just the ingredients, they are just the starting point.  It's quantities and how they are processed.  Does the pastry recipe say that the water has to be super cold?  My mom put the water for my grandmother's pastry recipe in the freezer when she started her prep.  Cold water from the tap when the house is on a well is a lot colder than tap water when the house is on municipal water.

There was a time when a lot of recipes were a pinch of this and a palmfull of that and a cup of water (which cup did she use, coffee cup, tea cup?) and a chunk of butter the size of a hen's egg (how big an egg?).  So you basically needed to be in the kitchen with the cook to really know the recipe.

[iris lily]

I thought it appropriate to add some levity to this thread.

Mom inherited a sugar cookie recipe with instructions that it was to STAY IN THE FAMILY.  This became problematic when a dear friend and fellow cook, Julia, requested the recipe.  Mom told the story and refused to share the recipe.

Turnabout is fair play and Julia had a recipe for mustard that was the envy of everyone.  Julia succumbed to cancer and never did get around to sharing that mustard recipe with Mom.

I suspect that some feelings were genuinely hurt by this which is too bad because it is otherwise a great story!

PS.  Julia was a professional cook and may not have been at liberty to share the mustard recipe anyway.  RIP, Julia!

My sister was really upset when I shared a few family recipes outside the family.  My Mom had never said anything about them being "family-only".  So family-only recipes appear to be a "thing".

Definitely a "thing".  It took me two decades to get a recipe out of one of my aunts - I still have her hand-written copy.  I later found that the recipe was almost identical to one in a recipe book from 200 years earlier that was rediscovered long after I remember my aunt using the recipe.

Exactly. Secret recipes aren’t really secret. And they arent protected by copyright, either, if someone thinks thay can be.

[coldestcat]

My mom said she has a goal to get a binder detailing everything she wants set up for when she dies. Detailing who gets what, who to call for accounts, etc. I am glad she is ready to be so prepared as she is still not very old at 62.
This is in contrast to my FIL who at the same age has no will even though when his wife, MIL, passed, it was very messy and ended up costing money, and his mother still doesnt have a will or prepared document in her 90s, with a house in SF.

[saguaro]

What would be the point of hoarding recipes in a family? Attention? At least share with relatives and friends. Hopefully those who inherit the recipes would share more feely.

This reminds me of the Great Recipe Brouhaha that arose in my family several years ago.   A relative (lets call her Sue) compiled a cookbook of family recipes to give to her daughters when they got married.  Sue offered to send copies of this cookbook to myself and several other relatives which she did.  One day a very securely wrapped package containing the cookbook arrived.  I was happy and wrote to Sue thanking her, she included her own that she made at family gatherings over the years that we raved over.   She gave that information freely.

A few days later, another relative who also received the cookbook contacted me.   Apparently she and one other relative were upset that Sue's cookbook contained recipes from other members of the family that they felt was not supposed to be shared between the entire family.   They were secret!   Sue was taking credit for the recipes!  Now Sue didn't take any "credit" it was just a compilation of family recipes, which besides her own, included other family recipes from other relatives including my mom and grandmother, great grandmother, etc.   No big deal to me but it was darn silly to see all the hoopla over recipes and being shared among family at that.   Good grief.

As far as my own recipes, if someone asks, I give it to them.   Even my peppermint fudge recipe that I make during the holidays and is more curiously strong than Altoids.   I don't understand recipe "secrets".   If someone wants to make it, fine.   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

[Finallyunderstand]

My mom always made the best chocolate chip cookies when I was younger.  She had a "secret" that wasn't a big secret but I still use it today.

The recipe itself is literally on the back of almost every bag of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate chip bags at any grocery store but her secret was adding one bag of instant vanilla pudding to the mix.  Not actual pudding, just the powder.  For some reason it makes them amazing.  Who knows if this is a secret from our family or well known but everyone should try it.  Also you take the cookies out about 1 minute too early for the perfect consistency after they cool.  My wife says its the best chocolate chip cookie she ever had/has.

Secret is out now!  Go forth and make cookies. 

[Dicey]

My mom always made the best chocolate chip cookies when I was younger.  She had a "secret" that wasn't a big secret but I still use it today.

The recipe itself is literally on the back of almost every bag of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate chip bags at any grocery store but her secret was adding one bag of instant vanilla pudding to the mix.  Not actual pudding, just the powder.  For some reason it makes them amazing.  Who knows if this is a secret from our family or well known but everyone should try it.  Also you take the cookies out about 1 minute too early for the perfect consistency after they cool.  My wife says its the best chocolate chip cookie she ever had/has.

Secret is out now!  Go forth and make cookies.

Lol, I have all the ingredients in the pantry, including the pudding mix. Fun! Thank you, @Finallyunderstand!

[Dicey]

Dunno, in high school I dated a guy whose family had a killer BBQ sauce recipe and everyone was supposedly sworn to secrecy of the highest order. Problem is, they were kinda messy. Every time they made up a batch, they left all the ingredients out on the counter. Duh.

It's not just the ingredients, they are just the starting point.  It's quantities and how they are processed.  Does the pastry recipe say that the water has to be super cold?  My mom put the water for my grandmother's pastry recipe in the freezer when she started her prep.  Cold water from the tap when the house is on a well is a lot colder than tap water when the house is on municipal water.

There was a time when a lot of recipes were a pinch of this and a palmfull of that and a cup of water (which cup did she use, coffee cup, tea cup?) and a chunk of butter the size of a hen's egg (how big an egg?).  So you basically needed to be in the kitchen with the cook to really know the recipe.

@RetiredAt63, I totally agree with you, especially for baked goods. But this was barbeque sauce, with about five ingredients. Not hard to figure out. For example, there was one lemon left out on the counter, but only one half was squeezed out thoroughly, the other was untouched. In the case of a simple sauce, a little deductive reasoning went a long way.

BTW, I watched a random YouTube video recently, part of a series where the grandson films grandma making her famous recipes. She was making a pie from scratch, and definitely stressed that the water must be ice cold. She also made it look easy, without using fancy equipment. Used a ton of sugar, though. Blech. Otherwise, surprisingly entertaining to watch.

[Goldielocks]

LOL, all this talk about pie crust.   I made one last week, for a quiche.   From memory.   In a very fast slapdash sort of way, for a single crust.

I can confirm that using room temperature fats and a bit too much room temperature (or warmish?) water is NOT the way to go.   

 The good thing is that it was for a quiche so did not really matter, as long as it releases from the pan.

[RetiredAt63]

Pie crust is a fun topic for this thread   ;-).  I haven't made it since I went gluten free, but my grandmother's recipe was fail-proof - as long as you did it right.

Barbecue sauce would be an easy one to at lest partly figure out.  Some recipes are more forgiving than others.

[saguaro]

Pie crust is a fun topic for this thread   ;-).  I haven't made it since I went gluten free, but my grandmother's recipe was fail-proof - as long as you did it right.

Barbecue sauce would be an easy one to at lest partly figure out.  Some recipes are more forgiving than others.

My paternal grandmother made awesome pie crust.   But you had to do it right and using cold water was critical.

Years ago, we were at a restaurant in Arizona that served up an awesome prickly pear barbeque sauce.   Asked for the recipe for which our waiter asked the chef, came back to our table and simply  rattled off the 5 ingredients that I scribbled on a napkin.  That was all I needed.  I had to figure out the ratio of ketchup to soy sauce, but based on a basic barbeque recipe, I figured I came pretty close.

[tralfamadorian]

My mom always made the best chocolate chip cookies when I was younger.  She had a "secret" that wasn't a big secret but I still use it today.

The recipe itself is literally on the back of almost every bag of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate chip bags at any grocery store but her secret was adding one bag of instant vanilla pudding to the mix.  Not actual pudding, just the powder.  For some reason it makes them amazing.  Who knows if this is a secret from our family or well known but everyone should try it.  Also you take the cookies out about 1 minute too early for the perfect consistency after they cool.  My wife says its the best chocolate chip cookie she ever had/has.

Secret is out now!  Go forth and make cookies.

I was taught to do the same pudding mix trick with cake box mixes. Add one instant pudding packet and an extra egg.

For pie crust, cold is definitely the way to go. Water with ice cubes (but no ice in the dough), flour stored in the fridge and blade/food processor bowl in the fridge for a bit to chill.

[RetiredAt63]

For pie crust, cold is definitely the way to go. Water with ice cubes (but no ice in the dough), flour stored in the fridge and blade/food processor bowl in the fridge for a bit to chill.

Same with whipped cream, bowl and beaters need to be in the fridge long enough to be really cold before you start.

[Capsu78]

On a trip to Sicily I became friendly with a restaurant owner who had been a personal Chef in the USA for a spell.  I asked him for a restaurant recommendation between 2 other places close by in our small village as we had hosted multiple dinners at his establishment.
He said he had never been in any restaurant closer than 20 miles from his place as it is considered bad form to check out the other places...bad blood would be created if the other owner recognized him.
He would drive to Messina if his wife wanted to go out for a change. 

[prudent_one]

I thought it appropriate to add some levity to this thread.

Mom inherited a sugar cookie recipe with instructions that it was to STAY IN THE FAMILY.  This became problematic when a dear friend and fellow cook, Julia, requested the recipe.  Mom told the story and refused to share the recipe.

Turnabout is fair play and Julia had a recipe for mustard that was the envy of everyone.  Julia succumbed to cancer and never did get around to sharing that mustard recipe with Mom.

I suspect that some feelings were genuinely hurt by this which is too bad because it is otherwise a great story!

PS.  Julia was a professional cook and may not have been at liberty to share the mustard recipe anyway.  RIP, Julia!

Similar scenario, different ending... My wife's aunt made an amazing apple pie with some kind of special crust. I loved it and I asked my wife if she'd get the recipe. So she asked her aunt... who said she did not give out the recipe. I had never heard of such a thing but my wife said she wasn't that surprised. We never mentioned it again.

Twenty years later, which was about 8 years since we had last seen her aunt, my wife gets a letter in the mail and it was her aunt's recipe. How in the world her aunt remembered my wife asking for the recipe that one time and why she decided to share it two decades later, we have no idea.

[Dicey]

She remembered it because it means a lot to her. I hope you thanked her profusely.

[Maenad]

I'm not saying I agree with it.  But in a traditional environment where "a woman's place was in the home" and one of the few public avenues for recognition of (and possible financial reward for) her creativity and ingenuity was through local cooking contests, I can see why some women would want to keep their recipes close to the vest, and encourage their children to do the same. 

Plus, if you couldn't work and needed a man to provide for you, good cooking was a way to make you especially desirable on the marriage market.

So glad we're beyond that. I fervently agree that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and love exchanging good recipes! I'd heard of the trick of using pudding mix in boxed cakes, I'm going to try it with my own chocolate chip cookies (I use Alton Brown's Chewy recipe, we'll see how it works!).

[Just Joe]

Cooking is a good skill but any skills for complicated topics would impress me as a dating male. She's good with computers? Or - she's good at gardening? Sewing? Carpentry? Big into bicycling or hiking?

To me this is a thinker who spent the time and made the effort to get good at something.

[SwordGuy]

Cooking is a good skill but any skills for complicated topics would impress me as a dating male. She's good with computers? Or - she's good at gardening? Sewing? Carpentry? Big into bicycling or hiking?

To me this is a thinker who spent the time and made the effort to get good at something.

That is so true for me, too.

Competence is a really under-rated sexual attractiveness trait.   At least by most people.  I, on the other hand, find a woman becomes really unattractive  to me very quickly if she's not competent at daily living and really good at one or more things.

[Just Joe]

Cooking is a good skill but any skills for complicated topics would impress me as a dating male. She's good with computers? Or - she's good at gardening? Sewing? Carpentry? Big into bicycling or hiking?

To me this is a thinker who spent the time and made the effort to get good at something.

That is so true for me, too.

Competence is a really under-rated sexual attractiveness trait.   At least by most people.  I, on the other hand, find a woman becomes really unattractive  to me very quickly if she's not competent at daily living and really good at one or more things.

"Well at least she's pretty" still ain't good enough. ;)

Decades ago when i was single: What? She didn't understand something and read a book to figure it out? Ooooh - wonder if she's dating anyone... ;)

[SwordGuy]

I have a story about inheritance and Certain Precious China:

Wow.

Your mom's actions would have completely ruined any sentimental value that China had for me.   

At that point, I would only pay money for it if it was going to turn a profit when I resold it.  It would be valueless for me otherwise.  I wouldn't want to eat off it it.

[TomTX]

I have a story about inheritance and Certain Precious China:

Wow.

Your mom's actions would have completely ruined any sentimental value that China had for me.   

At that point, I would only pay money for it if it was going to turn a profit when I resold it.  It would be valueless for me otherwise.  I wouldn't want to eat off it it.

++

[Just Joe]

Good for you for not letting the past taint your daughter's future.

[Cool Friend]

I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

[SwordGuy]

I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

[marty998]

I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.

[NoVa]

I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.

Wasn't this the plot of a movie, "Brewster's Millions"? Had to spend some enormous sum in 30 days?

[jengod]

I thought of so many ways to spend that money, even as a teenager it was clear to me how it could be spent without incurring the penalties or breaking rules.  Kind of a fun movie anyway.   

FWIW, it was a novel first!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brewster%27s_Millions


Don't have an inheritance drama right now EXCEPT that I was thrilled to find out that a near in-law finally (may?) have created an estate plan. He is a spendthrift and a hoarder with at least three mortgages, two pets and he often falls asleep while driving. I had the worst feeling that if he died intestate that the estate cleanup would fall to me somehow, but I seem to be off the hook. If he dies suddenly, I think the pets are the only thing I might have to handle. Whoo!

[Dixie_Amazon]

I am surprised my husband's step-sister-in-law didn't show up with a moving van after his mother's funeral. My husband's stepfather and mother got married in their 60s and kept their finances separate. I don't know why she expected a huge windfall. Her husband finally calmed her down, but it made for a stressful time.

[zolotiyeruki]

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

Heh, I say let 'em have the RV.  From what I've heard, they're a lot like a timeshare--expensive to maintain and depreciate like a luxury sports car.

[Cool Friend]

I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.

I think they're on the same hedonic treadmill as a lot of people, hoping that spending the money now will improve their lives and make them happier.  They do make some good financial decisions, such as when they got married and spent as little as they could on the wedding.  I just wish I could have helped them set up a little nest egg, but I think if I had pressed the issue it would have alienated them.

[saguaro]

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

Heh, I say let 'em have the RV.  From what I've heard, they're a lot like a timeshare--expensive to maintain and depreciate like a luxury sports car.

I agree on letting them have the RV for the same reasons.   Sister will no doubt see it was a great thing but in reality it will probably be more work and expense than anticipated for whoever gets it.

My in-laws have a bunch of artwork and sculptures that are presumed to be worth a lot from their spendthrifts days at the local galleries.  Maybe they are worth a lot but I sort of doubt it.   Sister in law is expecting to get these items and DH is more than happy to let her as he's been in the gallery scene for a year or so and saw the incredible markups.  We are not sure the items will fetch anywhere near what they cost.   

[Villanelle]

I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

Really ask yourself if it's worth the effort and strife to do this.  What would happen if you took the stuff you wanted and looked after the truly valuable items (let's say anything over $1000) and let her pillage the rest?  You would likely end up a couple thousand dollars less well-off.  You will have inherited a couple thousand dollars less.  (And that's if she makes off with $4000 worth of stuff, which is quite a lot when we are talking only low value items--used furnishing and keepsakes.)  But you will save yourself the headache and the heartache.  And the time.  Why?  So she doesn't get to "win" by maybe a couple thousand dollars?  Yes, it's messed up that [if] she would do that.  But digging in your heels over a relatively small amount of money seems awfully stubborn, and likely to cause you much unnecessary anguish.  It seems to me like it would be much better to draw a healthy boundary that is somewhere a bit away from "exactly 50/50, even for knick knacks and used furniture".  Protect that boundary, and let her indulge her ugliness and greed up to that line. 

[zolotiyeruki]

That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.

[Villanelle]

That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.

Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 

And frankly, someone who is going to nitpick about a sibling perhaps getting a china cabinet and some figurines more than they did would be a candidate for an "inheritance drama" post themselves, IMO.  Because that is stuff that doesn't matter, but they are throwing a tantrum about it and keeping an exact score of who gets what. 

[Dicey]

I have put off posting on this topic until the estate is finally buttoned up, but my brother just reminded me of this tidbit that I'd already mostly forgotten. For [reasons], my black sheep sister ended up with my parent's late-model car. Not my choice, but I got outvoted by my sibs. My brother gave it to her with the caveat that she was NOT to drive it to the memorial service, which of course, she did. She managed to park it right up front, where it was visible to one and all during the entire service.

This came up because we just sent everyone $1k two days before Christmas. She called him yesterday to ask for more money. FWIW, most of the estate has been disbursed. He was warning me to expect a call from her, because we're co-executors. Yeah, that's a call I won't be taking.

[Just Joe]

Is it a fancy car that stands out or was your brother trying to help her out quietly?

[zolotiyeruki]

That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.

Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 

You're right, but that's not the point I was trying to make.  What I was trying to say is that no matter where you divide the inheritance, the sister may throw a tantrum.  So you might as well draw the line somewhat to the sister's disadvantage, knowing in advance that she'll kick and scream about being treated unfairly.  Then you can gracefully cede some ground to make her happy, without giving up any of your half.

And yeah, a lot of these stories sound like little kids who care less about having something than they do about having something at someone else's expense.

[marty998]

That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.

Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 

You're right, but that's not the point I was trying to make.  What I was trying to say is that no matter where you divide the inheritance, the sister may throw a tantrum.  So you might as well draw the line somewhat to the sister's disadvantage, knowing in advance that she'll kick and scream about being treated unfairly.  Then you can gracefully cede some ground to make her happy, without giving up any of your half.

And yeah, a lot of these stories sound like little kids who care less about having something than they do about having something at someone else's expense.

True, but how about the Sister learns to be an adult and not behave inappropriately?