So… I head over to the local Post Office to drop some packages for work and what do I see as I pull into my parking space?
Chevy Silverado 3500HD Z71 4x4, 6.6L Turbo Diesel
This sweet, gas-guzzling machine idling…WITH NO ONE INSIDE!
Not wanting to jump to conclusions and brand someone an inconsiderate d-bag asshole, my first thought it that the poor driver of this machine has been horribly kidnapped! I mean, that’s the only sensible explanation, right?
Well, I headed inside the post office and it turns out, that wasn’t the case. The truck owner was inside handling some correspondence affairs himself. But I noticed he wasn’t shipping a packaged jungle gym or weight set or spare set of duallly tires like the ones on his shiny Silverado. Then what? A septic tank? A horse trailer? A DOUBLE-WIDE WITH ATTACHED GARAGE?!* Nope, just two small letters.
So at this point my brain starts racing. There’s no way this truck is his daily commuter
and he doesn’t use it to haul massive stuff
and he voluntarily left it on while in the post office (an affair that took almost 20 minutes). Absolutely no way. Then it dawns on me: He
did leave the truck on voluntarily. Because beneath the netted fishing cap, and the grease stained t-shirt repping his favorite BBQ joint, and the die-hard conservative, gun-totin’, backwoods redneck exterior lives a tiny, quiet environmentalist crying out for help.
See, what I can only think happened to this poor soul is that he, like so many Americans, got tangled up in the nasty web of ultra-consumerism. No doubt his drankin’ buddies, Eddie, Earl, and Dale** convinced him at some point that the most logical purchase he could make to get Vernadeen’s head to turn while simultaneously diverting the attention away from his laughably small penis was this jaw droppin’, jacked-up monster truck. So, reluctantly he bought it, unable to resist the constant barrage of peer pressure. And now, desperate for a way out, he was hoping that someone would waltz by, recognize the crime of opportunity, steal the truck, and then drive it off the side of a fucking mountain reverting it back into a pile of scrap metal to be put to better use.
So, next time you see someone cruising around town in a 4 mpg dually rig, don’t be so quick to judge. For all you know, he considers himself a hero of moderation and is just trying to spread the message of what
not to do.
* Bonus: He was actually “hauling” something in the back. A toolbox smaller than the one that fits beneath the sink of my tiny one-bedroom apartment.
** No offense to people named Eddie, Earl, or Dale. Those are perfectly fine names.