Author Topic: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding  (Read 11899 times)

nnls

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Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« on: March 02, 2016, 05:25:27 PM »
This lady has started a crowd funding campaign so she can be a guest at 6 weddings

https://thebillfold.com/passing-the-hat-to-attend-friends-weddings-666bbf046c2f#.mtjj8n2or

this whole thing just seems ridiculous to me, just say no. At least to the extra things like bachelorette parties.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2016, 08:22:22 PM »
If she can't afford to attend, she should send her regrets, and possibly a gift. That should cut down her bills a lot.

Dicey

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2016, 09:40:30 PM »
I can't even click on the link. So ridiculous. WTF?

HappierAtHome

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2016, 10:01:15 PM »
I think our culture of entitlement is getting out of control. Asking other people to pay for you to attend weddings? Seriously?

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2016, 10:39:56 PM »
I think our culture of entitlement is getting out of control. Asking other people to pay for you to attend weddings? Seriously?

Well, there weddings I've been to that have been so fucking boring I wish I'd been paid to attend, but that's a separate rant.

I agree: weddings are getting out of control. This author, for example, describes out of town bachelorette party trips she "has" to go to. That's bullshit. There's round after round of wedding worship these days, and it passed the idiotic stage a long time ago. When it's someone out of town, I greatly prefer it when I can just click a button, type an inane greeting message, and send someone towels for a shower present. (Towels for the shower!) In fact I'd sometimes be willing to pay a fee NOT to be invited.

Nobody "has" to have, or attend, an out of town bash dedicated solely to pre-wedding shenanigans. If two people are old enough to get married, they're old enough to not require help to make sure they've sown the last of their wild oats. They particularly don't require other people to fly into town for one last hurrah. Nor do they require anybody to leave town and go elsewhere. Unless, of course, they're eloping.

I wish more people would elope. According to my calculations, I've spent more than $5,000 on gifts for weddings, births, graduations, holiday crap, and similar celebrations where I haven't even been invited, but gifts are obligatory because of family or work related bullshit. The in-person costs have been even higher. But, I have a plan to get it aaaaaallllllll back.

I'm keeping a list of everyone whose wedding, graduation, landmark birthday, major anniversary, or baby shower I've supported either in person or with a long distance gift. When my daughter's adoption finalizes, I'm taking her to a couple stores to go apeshit with one of those little registry guns, and encouraging her to light up everything her acquisitive little heart desires. Then, once the registry is ready, I'm throwing a huge-ass reception and sending an invitation to every single one of those fuckers. In fact, the ones who didn't even bother to thank me for the gifts I gave them are going to get a printed copy of the registry wedged into the envelope. On the outside of each invitation I plan to write: "payback time, bitches!"

Ryo

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2016, 10:47:02 PM »
"I just want people to laugh at it" is millennial speak for "I know how goddamn shameless this is, but I need to try and justify my pitiful behaviour somehow". 

My favourite bit:
Q. You set a fundraising goal of $3,000. How did you come up with that number?
A. It was completely arbitrary.


MgoSam

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2016, 03:48:24 PM »
I am trying not to be critical.

I am going to LA for a wedding in October and I'm planning to go a few days early to see some customers and check out new products. Doing so will enable me to get my company to pay for my airfare, food and lodging, and a rental (for the days I'm there for work). Not everyone has such an option. I did the same thing when visiting my cousin in Arizona.

MountainFlower

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2016, 04:06:51 PM »
Seems like kids are no longer fashionable at weddings.   All recent wedding invites have been adult only. The bride and groom thoughtfully provide babysitters.  Gee thanks, like I'm going to hand over my kids to people the bride and groom found.  No way.  Staying home.

What happened to weddings being a right-of-passage to be marked and celebrated by family and community?  For some folks weddings are just about the facebook pictures anymore. 

gimp

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2016, 04:51:37 PM »
Probably because kids fucking suck, and nobody wants to deal with other peoples' shitty kids ruining their shindig.

kittenstache

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2016, 05:19:18 PM »
Seems like kids are no longer fashionable at weddings.   All recent wedding invites have been adult only. The bride and groom thoughtfully provide babysitters.  Gee thanks, like I'm going to hand over my kids to people the bride and groom found.  No way.  Staying home.

What happened to weddings being a right-of-passage to be marked and celebrated by family and community?  For some folks weddings are just about the facebook pictures anymore.
No reason to invite children to a wedding, since they won't provide money or a gift. They'll only take up space and eat an overpriced meal. I've never been invited to a wedding where babysitters were provided, but I've been to plenty that excluded children, even if they were family. Weddings aren't family and community occasions anymore. They are self-congratulatory. money-grabbing photo-ops.
*end rant*
BTW, I don't have any children of my own

nnls

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2016, 05:39:11 PM »
I think our culture of entitlement is getting out of control. Asking other people to pay for you to attend weddings? Seriously?

I agree! its not just weddings though its all the other things she feels she "must" attend. You don't need to go to every out of town bachelorette, or shower or whatever else people come up with.

Blonde Lawyer

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2016, 08:25:05 PM »
Seems like kids are no longer fashionable at weddings.   All recent wedding invites have been adult only. The bride and groom thoughtfully provide babysitters.  Gee thanks, like I'm going to hand over my kids to people the bride and groom found.  No way.  Staying home.

What happened to weddings being a right-of-passage to be marked and celebrated by family and community?  For some folks weddings are just about the facebook pictures anymore.

Couldn't you personally vet the babysitter the bride and groom found before you got to the wedding? It's just a few hours of your life.  I highly doubt they are going to ruin your child.  We spend a lot of time on this forum debunking overstated risks.  We are brainwashed in this country to think that there are constantly child molesters vying for our kid.  Usually wedding provided sitters are near the venue or at the venue, watch multiple kids at a time, and have a history with the facility or the bride and groom.  You can't go through life thinking everyone is a stranger danger.  Well, I guess you can but you won't have as enjoyable of a life. 

I have a diabetic cat (yes, I know, not a child but pretty easy to accidentally kill) and I had to get over my fears and be willing to trust someone from Craigslist or a vets office that I cold called to be able to come into my home and give him a shot if I was ever going to get to go out over a dinner time again.  I of course spent some time talking to them in person before agreeing but it was still a leap of faith.  At some point though, you have to rip the bandaid and it is so so freeing.

Lastly, the wedding couple may be offering this option as a courtesy to their guests not just because they hate kids.  My SIL is throwing a wedding now and before invites even went out she had multiple out of town guests asking her to find a sitter so that they could go kid free for a night.  They were going to pay for the sitter but wanted her as the local person to find one. 

You do you of course but that's my two sense.

Making Cookies

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2016, 07:49:27 AM »
Seems like kids are no longer fashionable at weddings.   All recent wedding invites have been adult only. The bride and groom thoughtfully provide babysitters.  Gee thanks, like I'm going to hand over my kids to people the bride and groom found.  No way.  Staying home.

What happened to weddings being a right-of-passage to be marked and celebrated by family and community?  For some folks weddings are just about the facebook pictures anymore.
No reason to invite children to a wedding, since they won't provide money or a gift. They'll only take up space and eat an overpriced meal. I've never been invited to a wedding where babysitters were provided, but I've been to plenty that excluded children, even if they were family. Weddings aren't family and community occasions anymore. They are self-congratulatory. money-grabbing photo-ops.
*end rant*
BTW, I don't have any children of my own

We attended a post-wedding reception a while back that got so rowdy so quickly that we packed up the kids and left. Our purpose - to bring gift(s) - was complete. ;)

I don't mind some rowdy - really - but with the MiL starts drunkenly dirty dancing with all the young guys including the groom - - - time to go home.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2016, 07:52:28 AM by Jethrosnose »

mbl

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2016, 12:40:03 PM »
I think our culture of entitlement is getting out of control. Asking other people to pay for you to attend weddings? Seriously?

Well, there weddings I've been to that have been so fucking boring I wish I'd been paid to attend, but that's a separate rant.

I agree: weddings are getting out of control. This author, for example, describes out of town bachelorette party trips she "has" to go to. That's bullshit. There's round after round of wedding worship these days, and it passed the idiotic stage a long time ago. When it's someone out of town, I greatly prefer it when I can just click a button, type an inane greeting message, and send someone towels for a shower present. (Towels for the shower!) In fact I'd sometimes be willing to pay a fee NOT to be invited.

Nobody "has" to have, or attend, an out of town bash dedicated solely to pre-wedding shenanigans. If two people are old enough to get married, they're old enough to not require help to make sure they've sown the last of their wild oats. They particularly don't require other people to fly into town for one last hurrah. Nor do they require anybody to leave town and go elsewhere. Unless, of course, they're eloping.

I wish more people would elope. According to my calculations, I've spent more than $5,000 on gifts for weddings, births, graduations, holiday crap, and similar celebrations where I haven't even been invited, but gifts are obligatory because of family or work related bullshit. The in-person costs have been even higher. But, I have a plan to get it aaaaaallllllll back.

I'm keeping a list of everyone whose wedding, graduation, landmark birthday, major anniversary, or baby shower I've supported either in person or with a long distance gift. When my daughter's adoption finalizes, I'm taking her to a couple stores to go apeshit with one of those little registry guns, and encouraging her to light up everything her acquisitive little heart desires. Then, once the registry is ready, I'm throwing a huge-ass reception and sending an invitation to every single one of those fuckers. In fact, the ones who didn't even bother to thank me for the gifts I gave them are going to get a printed copy of the registry wedged into the envelope. On the outside of each invitation I plan to write: "payback time, bitches!"

You are so overwhelmingly SPOT ON!
I love the party you're planning.....well played my friend.

All kidding aside......the basis of people's not being able to stand up to this bullshit is the fear that someone will get angry at them and think they're "a bad person".    Frankly....I've spent a lifetime developing that "bad person" persona.   If all that is required is the ability to say NO then I'm the one you want to see:)

mbl

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2016, 12:42:28 PM »
Probably because kids fucking suck, and nobody wants to deal with other peoples' shitty kids ruining their shindig.

Absolutely.
2nd place aware for SPOT ON comment of the day.

mbl

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #15 on: March 04, 2016, 12:43:39 PM »
I think our culture of entitlement is getting out of control. Asking other people to pay for you to attend weddings? Seriously?

I agree! its not just weddings though its all the other things she feels she "must" attend. You don't need to go to every out of town bachelorette, or shower or whatever else people come up with.

The rub is.....people actually donate.
That's more astounding that the request.

AZDude

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2016, 12:44:26 PM »
Quote
You set a fundraising goal of $3,000. How did you come up with that number?
It was completely arbitrary.

Sounds like she *really* needs that $3k...

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #17 on: March 04, 2016, 01:01:34 PM »
Seems like kids are no longer fashionable at weddings.   All recent wedding invites have been adult only. The bride and groom thoughtfully provide babysitters.  Gee thanks, like I'm going to hand over my kids to people the bride and groom found.  No way.  Staying home.

What happened to weddings being a right-of-passage to be marked and celebrated by family and community?  For some folks weddings are just about the facebook pictures anymore.

Historically, that hasn't been the human experience. In most European cultures, kids have never been welcome at wedding receptions.

The purpose of the wedding reception was for the wealthiest, most elite people to introduce the new couple to their very select society *as* a couple. The party was traditionally planned and executed by the parents of the happy couple, and later on it became part of the bride's family expense (in lieu of part or all of the dowry). At such spectacles, brats weren't welcome. They were generally being raised by nannies and tutors while the older generation socialized anyway, so a wedding reception was one more event they simply weren't part of. Ordinary people didn't have receptions or parties to celebrate their new status. They just went to the church, got married in front of witnesses, and set up their households. If you weren't the sort of person who got your own debutante ball, you didn't get a wedding reception either. For a realistic look at how people in different classes handled marriage, read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens, and compare the wealthy Miss Havisham's approach to Biddy's and Wemmick's. A big, fancy to-do simply wasn't the normal experience.

Starting in the 19th century, more affluent couples started aping the upper classes and throwing parties after the ceremony, but it was by no means universal. It was regarded as a form of conspicuous consumption.

The only time weddings have been parties for the community, in the Western and European tradition at least, has been in areas that are very thinly populated, where people are really hard up for entertainment. The African and Indian models are different, but didn't have a huge impact on customs in Europe and European-influenced cultures.

During the Westward expansion of European colonists into the Americas, people started using weddings as an excuse to get together and celebrate as a community or family, but again it was generally just a quiet get-together in somebody's home. Big, fancy halls and reception areas simply didn't exist. By the time the population became big enough in the rural areas to support having, say, Elks halls or dance halls, there was a justification for bringing the whole family including the children, but that was simply because in a farming community nobody expected to have an extensive household staff including a nanny. People living out in the boonies brought the brats along simply because there was nobody to look after them if they didn't. Hence the introduction of squalling babies and loaded diapers to what was originally intended as a serious, formal event. Urban areas still tried to emulate the European model. I'd say that just hasn't changed much.

Source: Olwen Hufton, "The Prospect Before Her", and Stephanie Coontz, "Marriage, a History".

Nederstash

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #18 on: March 04, 2016, 02:04:50 PM »
@TheGrimSqueaker wow, thorough analysis and research. Saving this for future reference!

Cassie

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #19 on: March 04, 2016, 02:09:57 PM »
WEddings are adult parties and kids do not need to be there. I think it is great that the couple is providing a babysitter.  I have never been to one that did that.

bobechs

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #20 on: March 04, 2016, 03:12:41 PM »


Historically, that hasn't been the human experience. In most European cultures, kids have never been welcome at wedding receptions.



Except the one in the bride.  Historically speaking, of course.

mm1970

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #21 on: March 04, 2016, 03:48:29 PM »
Probably because kids fucking suck, and nobody wants to deal with other peoples' shitty kids ruining their shindig.
Pretty much.

My wedding was adults only.  Although some people brought kids - my nephew was there, some cousins, some kids from distant family visiting from Denmark.  Thing is, my family is HUGE and having kids would have doubled the # of people there. So, if people HAD to bring their kids, I said sure.  But I wasn't going to invite them.  It was an afternoon wedding, evening somewhat formal reception.

I haven't attended many weddings in the last few years but the ones that I have, that are kid free, I don't take my kids.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2016, 03:52:19 PM by mm1970 »

GPendragon

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #22 on: March 04, 2016, 04:15:51 PM »
read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens, and compare the wealthy Miss Havisham's approach to Biddy's and Wemmick's. A big, fancy to-do simply wasn't the normal experience.

I'm just reading Great Expectations now ... if Biddy marries Orlick I will go kick something.

My cousin had babies at her wedding, and although they weren't actually too noisy, it did lead my grandmother to tell me that in her day children would have been present but had they started crying the mother would have taken them into a side room and sat with them there for however long it took for them to quiet again.

I don't think any women now are going to opt out of the ceremony to quiet their kids, when they're much more likely to have taken a day or half day off work for it, travelled to go there (+ possibly paid for a flight), and spent a much larger amount of income on whatever ensemble they've got on. Much better that the kids aren't there at all.

My grandmother and grandfather were two different levels of working class. My other set of grandparents were wealthy - as far as I know from being included in a wedding age 11, for them it was considered quirky to have the children there.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #23 on: March 05, 2016, 09:21:10 PM »
read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens, and compare the wealthy Miss Havisham's approach to Biddy's and Wemmick's. A big, fancy to-do simply wasn't the normal experience.

I'm just reading Great Expectations now ... if Biddy marries Orlick I will go kick something.

My cousin had babies at her wedding, and although they weren't actually too noisy, it did lead my grandmother to tell me that in her day children would have been present but had they started crying the mother would have taken them into a side room and sat with them there for however long it took for them to quiet again.

I don't think any women now are going to opt out of the ceremony to quiet their kids, when they're much more likely to have taken a day or half day off work for it, travelled to go there (+ possibly paid for a flight), and spent a much larger amount of income on whatever ensemble they've got on. Much better that the kids aren't there at all.

My grandmother and grandfather were two different levels of working class. My other set of grandparents were wealthy - as far as I know from being included in a wedding age 11, for them it was considered quirky to have the children there.

Sorry if I implied that Biddy marries Wemmick; she doesn't.

Another interesting tidbit is that, in the more distant past, people seldom traveled to attend weddings or receptions. Nor did they have to take significant time off work. The folks who had receptions, originally, were mostly wealthy and didn't have to work. By the time the reception concept trickled down to the hoi polloi they'd figured out that more people could attend if they held it after work hours and kept it within drunken-staggering distance of where everyone lived.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #24 on: March 05, 2016, 09:32:06 PM »


Historically, that hasn't been the human experience. In most European cultures, kids have never been welcome at wedding receptions.



Except the one in the bride.  Historically speaking, of course.

Which is expected to not disrupt the ceremony.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #25 on: March 07, 2016, 06:30:47 AM »
Even in Irma la Douce, although that was close.  Sorry, OT, but couldn't resist.

Except the one in the bride.  Historically speaking, of course.
Which is expected to not disrupt the ceremony.

LouLou

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #26 on: March 07, 2016, 06:37:42 AM »
read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens, and compare the wealthy Miss Havisham's approach to Biddy's and Wemmick's. A big, fancy to-do simply wasn't the normal experience.

I'm just reading Great Expectations now ... if Biddy marries Orlick I will go kick something.

My cousin had babies at her wedding, and although they weren't actually too noisy, it did lead my grandmother to tell me that in her day children would have been present but had they started crying the mother would have taken them into a side room and sat with them there for however long it took for them to quiet again.

I don't think any women now are going to opt out of the ceremony to quiet their kids, when they're much more likely to have taken a day or half day off work for it, travelled to go there (+ possibly paid for a flight), and spent a much larger amount of income on whatever ensemble they've got on. Much better that the kids aren't there at all.

My grandmother and grandfather were two different levels of working class. My other set of grandparents were wealthy - as far as I know from being included in a wedding age 11, for them it was considered quirky to have the children there.

Sorry if I implied that Biddy marries Wemmick; she doesn't.

Another interesting tidbit is that, in the more distant past, people seldom traveled to attend weddings or receptions. Nor did they have to take significant time off work. The folks who had receptions, originally, were mostly wealthy and didn't have to work. By the time the reception concept trickled down to the hoi polloi they'd figured out that more people could attend if they held it after work hours and kept it within drunken-staggering distance of where everyone lived.

My guess is that the increase in travel for weddings is related to job mobility.  Only two of my high school friends live in the region where we grew up - the rest of us are all over the country.  When we go to each other's weddings, most of us have to fly and get a hotel.  Before, people generally lived where they grew up.

Kaspian

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #27 on: March 11, 2016, 01:26:06 PM »
Quote
...a round trip flight to one of the bachelorette parties I have to go to

Oh, you HAVE TO travel for both the party and the wedding rather than tell your friend, "sorry"?  Sure, I'll crowdfund somebody's drinking and partying!  :(

I told this in another thread but I have friend who Kickstarted her "project".  It involved her and her boyfriend buying a camper van and spending 4 months travelling all through the United States and Canada.  The "project" part (yes, I'm intentionally overusing the quotation marks) was they would ask strangers on the journey "What is love?," and then take a photo of the person's reaction.  She raised actually $8000 for this ludicrous vacation disguised as art!

coolistdude

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #28 on: March 11, 2016, 02:24:34 PM »
Seems like kids are no longer fashionable at weddings.   All recent wedding invites have been adult only. The bride and groom thoughtfully provide babysitters.  Gee thanks, like I'm going to hand over my kids to people the bride and groom found.  No way.  Staying home.

What happened to weddings being a right-of-passage to be marked and celebrated by family and community?  For some folks weddings are just about the facebook pictures anymore.

Historically, that hasn't been the human experience. In most European cultures, kids have never been welcome at wedding receptions.

The purpose of the wedding reception was for the wealthiest, most elite people to introduce the new couple to their very select society *as* a couple. The party was traditionally planned and executed by the parents of the happy couple, and later on it became part of the bride's family expense (in lieu of part or all of the dowry). At such spectacles, brats weren't welcome. They were generally being raised by nannies and tutors while the older generation socialized anyway, so a wedding reception was one more event they simply weren't part of. Ordinary people didn't have receptions or parties to celebrate their new status. They just went to the church, got married in front of witnesses, and set up their households. If you weren't the sort of person who got your own debutante ball, you didn't get a wedding reception either. For a realistic look at how people in different classes handled marriage, read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens, and compare the wealthy Miss Havisham's approach to Biddy's and Wemmick's. A big, fancy to-do simply wasn't the normal experience.

Starting in the 19th century, more affluent couples started aping the upper classes and throwing parties after the ceremony, but it was by no means universal. It was regarded as a form of conspicuous consumption.

The only time weddings have been parties for the community, in the Western and European tradition at least, has been in areas that are very thinly populated, where people are really hard up for entertainment. The African and Indian models are different, but didn't have a huge impact on customs in Europe and European-influenced cultures.

During the Westward expansion of European colonists into the Americas, people started using weddings as an excuse to get together and celebrate as a community or family, but again it was generally just a quiet get-together in somebody's home. Big, fancy halls and reception areas simply didn't exist. By the time the population became big enough in the rural areas to support having, say, Elks halls or dance halls, there was a justification for bringing the whole family including the children, but that was simply because in a farming community nobody expected to have an extensive household staff including a nanny. People living out in the boonies brought the brats along simply because there was nobody to look after them if they didn't. Hence the introduction of squalling babies and loaded diapers to what was originally intended as a serious, formal event. Urban areas still tried to emulate the European model. I'd say that just hasn't changed much.

Source: Olwen Hufton, "The Prospect Before Her", and Stephanie Coontz, "Marriage, a History".

Thank you for this. A history nerd's wall of text is always welcome to me.

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2016, 08:35:18 PM »
I've been to weddings where kids seemed welcome and some where they didn't. Afternoon wedding with access to the outdoors where lots of others are bringing kids? Sure. Evening wedding at formal venue? Probably not. We had no specific kid policy for our wedding because hardly anyone we knew had kids. There was a total of one baby there. She did not disrupt the proceedings that I can recall. I enjoyed seeing her again recently--she is now 9, and it makes me happy that I have this picture of me holding her at my wedding. When my sister got married, in a small ceremony with just family, my daughter was 15 months old and was very popular at the reception--no other kids present.

AvisJinx

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #30 on: March 14, 2016, 03:38:59 PM »
I think our culture of entitlement is getting out of control. Asking other people to pay for you to attend weddings? Seriously?

I'm keeping a list of everyone whose wedding, graduation, landmark birthday, major anniversary, or baby shower I've supported either in person or with a long distance gift. When my daughter's adoption finalizes, I'm taking her to a couple stores to go apeshit with one of those little registry guns, and encouraging her to light up everything her acquisitive little heart desires. Then, once the registry is ready, I'm throwing a huge-ass reception and sending an invitation to every single one of those fuckers. In fact, the ones who didn't even bother to thank me for the gifts I gave them are going to get a printed copy of the registry wedged into the envelope. On the outside of each invitation I plan to write: "payback time, bitches!"

Brilliant. Wish I could do something like this.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #31 on: March 15, 2016, 08:15:31 AM »
I think our culture of entitlement is getting out of control. Asking other people to pay for you to attend weddings? Seriously?

I'm keeping a list of everyone whose wedding, graduation, landmark birthday, major anniversary, or baby shower I've supported either in person or with a long distance gift. When my daughter's adoption finalizes, I'm taking her to a couple stores to go apeshit with one of those little registry guns, and encouraging her to light up everything her acquisitive little heart desires. Then, once the registry is ready, I'm throwing a huge-ass reception and sending an invitation to every single one of those fuckers. In fact, the ones who didn't even bother to thank me for the gifts I gave them are going to get a printed copy of the registry wedged into the envelope. On the outside of each invitation I plan to write: "payback time, bitches!"

Brilliant. Wish I could do something like this.

You can. Adopt a kid out of foster care.

You don't have to be married, just healthy and with enough space and privacy to allow the kiddo to have his or her own bed. There's government bureaucracy, but it's nowhere near as expensive as, say, one of those fancy overseas adoptions.

dividend

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #32 on: March 15, 2016, 02:08:03 PM »
There is so much grumpiness in this thread.  Like wow.  I've been to all kinds of weddings - traditional church weddings with a little reception afterwards, weddings at a venue with a sit down dinner, a very expensive wedding the reception on the lawn of a famous art gallery, a destination wedding in Las Vegas, my own literal backyard, luau themed wedding.  I've been everything from a date to a guest to a bridesmaid to a bride.  I've seen registries tucked into the invites, mentioned on their knot page, and communicated through the grapevine.  I've seen couples registered at home goods stores and "toy" stores like Best Buy.  I didn't want a registry when I got married because we are older and didn't want anything from our friends but too many people were asking, so we set up page stating their coming and celebrating with us was all we wanted, but they could give us cash if they wanted.  I've seen every kind of bachelor/bachelorette party - I surprised my bride when I was a bridesmaid with a weekend in Vegas with all her close friends, I've seen coed parties with lazer tag and pizza, I've done the traditional strip club and cigar thing, and my own was a super fun night out in funky wigs and and embarrassing props. 

You know what I've never seen?  Pressure on guests to spend money.  That Vegas destination wedding?  We were poor fresh college graduates so we took red-eye flights and slept 6 to a room in a cheap motel to be there for our friends.  The bachelorette party I threw?  Those of us going agreed to a budget.  People spend money to lavish love on their loved ones if they can afford it, and find equally touching ways to express their congratulations if they can't.  Nobody judges.  It's a wedding, not a cash grab.  Eloping is not better in all cases.  I don't regret the money we spent on my 100 person backyard wedding at all.  My maid of honor spent very little putting together one of the funnest bachelorette parties I can imagine, and for our present she made us a watercolor painting that was so sentimental and touching that I cried like a baby.  My other friends pitched in, not in lieu of gifts, but because they love us and wanted our day to be perfect - one made the cake for free, one coordinated all the alcohol and manned the bar all night, my cousin played the bridal march  on his electric violin - they were amazing.  And every wedding I've been around has been like that. 

I hate the grumpiness around here about weddings, because there's no moral superiority in having the cheapest wedding possible.  There's no reason to get offended with how anyone handles their registry.  And one person's elegance is another person' tacky.  People get married and get things from people.  People go to weddings and give things.  It evens out mostly, the sharing of these human experiences.  There's no ledger to ensure it all balances out exactly, and if someone who came to my backyard wedding has a destination wedding in the South Pacific that I can't afford to be at, I will send my regrets and find a thoughtful gift or way to contribute.  Not bitch about how stupid they are for spending that much money and should have eloped instead, or go anyway out of guilt and be spiteful about it.  Because weddings are about the bride and groom celebrating their marriage in a way that makes them happy.  Not some kind of circus of judgement and resentments and cash grabs.

Sorry for the ramble, this has been bugging me about wedding threads for a while

mm1970

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #33 on: March 15, 2016, 02:38:09 PM »
I've been to weddings where kids seemed welcome and some where they didn't. Afternoon wedding with access to the outdoors where lots of others are bringing kids? Sure. Evening wedding at formal venue? Probably not. We had no specific kid policy for our wedding because hardly anyone we knew had kids. There was a total of one baby there. She did not disrupt the proceedings that I can recall. I enjoyed seeing her again recently--she is now 9, and it makes me happy that I have this picture of me holding her at my wedding. When my sister got married, in a small ceremony with just family, my daughter was 15 months old and was very popular at the reception--no other kids present.
A few years ago I was invited to a former coworker's wedding.  It happened to fall exactly 4 weeks post partum (good luck finding ANYTHING that fit) and when my husband was stuck on a last minute business trip.  Luckily, it was outdoors at a park, and even luckier, it wasn't formal, and third luckiest, my mother in law was visiting.

So.  I took the money in the "red envelope" that a coworker gave to me on the birth of my child and transferred it to a card.  I squeezed myself into something reasonably dressy.  We drove to the park, where my MIL pushed the baby stroller and watched the 6 year old go down the slide.  I wandered over to the informal wedding, chatted, had a glass of wine, took a break while they did the ceremony "Everyone come over here on to the grassy area" (5 minutes, done!).  After about an hour I wandered back to the playground and we went home.

We attended a wedding of my husband's coworker (in town) and got a babysitter.  It was lovely.

We are past wedding age now.  I have a few coworkers getting hitched, but they range from high-end (and therefore, extremely limited guest list), to just casual acquaintances.  Most of my other friends prefer to just live together.

JustTrying

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #34 on: March 15, 2016, 07:04:42 PM »
Seems like kids are no longer fashionable at weddings.   All recent wedding invites have been adult only. The bride and groom thoughtfully provide babysitters.  Gee thanks, like I'm going to hand over my kids to people the bride and groom found.  No way.  Staying home.

What happened to weddings being a right-of-passage to be marked and celebrated by family and community?  For some folks weddings are just about the facebook pictures anymore.

?? Wow. I think it's pretty generous for them to offer a baby-sitter. I've never understood having kids at weddings because it's uncomfortable for the kids. I mean, if they're old enough to behave and actually understand what's going on, that's fine, but little kids are usually pretty miserable and/or disruptive at weddings. All this to say, I did not invite any children to my wedding. I wanted to have important people who influenced my life there, and I haven't yet had any kids who fit that bill. But I also sure as hell didn't provide childcare! Your child? Your problem. That being said, I wouldn't care if friends/family chose to stay home because they'd rather be with their kids than at my wedding.

calimom

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #35 on: March 15, 2016, 10:48:55 PM »
I've been to weddings where kids seemed welcome and some where they didn't. Afternoon wedding with access to the outdoors where lots of others are bringing kids? Sure. Evening wedding at formal venue? Probably not. We had no specific kid policy for our wedding because hardly anyone we knew had kids. There was a total of one baby there. She did not disrupt the proceedings that I can recall. I enjoyed seeing her again recently--she is now 9, and it makes me happy that I have this picture of me holding her at my wedding. When my sister got married, in a small ceremony with just family, my daughter was 15 months old and was very popular at the reception--no other kids present.

My kids were in attendance when my BIL married his husband - we were all in the wedding and it was a really wonderful event. I was happy to be with my family for this happy occasion.  My best friend got married at a super fancy winery with a band, sit down dinner, etc.  It was billed as a child-free event which was completely fine with me. It was nice to have some completely grown up time.

And gee, I was going to donate to the GoFundMe for the family in my town whose house burned to the ground.  But my money would be better spent to help this deserving woman mindlessly fly around the planet to attend multiple nuptials.  What could be more worthy? :p

SpeedReader

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #36 on: March 16, 2016, 08:48:49 PM »
I remember watching young couples we knew blow serious money on their weddings, only to wind up divorced within a year or so because they were always fighting about being broke.  Ironic, no?

Jschange

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #37 on: March 16, 2016, 10:07:55 PM »
This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

Most weddings I know of, the kids are welcome, but the parents would take them out. I really think it depends on your friend groups. Presents are usually optional, and the couple or their family have offered to host out of town guests. If I couldn't afford to attend, I wouldn't embarrass myself or the host by asking for money. I'd send a card and an Oxfam gift of hope.

Brainstorming for my entirely possible nuptials:

If the governess came to watch the children, I wouldn't embarrass her by allowing her to join us at dinner, but I'd have the nursery maid sleep in the children's room so that the governess could join in the dancing, catch a duke's eye, and be rescued from a life of service.

I'm not quite sure what I'd do if a tutor or Nanny showed up. The nanny might enjoy a drive with the chauffeur, I suppose. And perhaps the tutor could pair with the vicar's youngest daughter? Obviously I could only get away with this at the country house or in the colonies. I barely acknowledge the staff when I'm in town.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Help Pay for me to be a guest at a wedding
« Reply #38 on: March 17, 2016, 08:08:42 AM »
This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

Most weddings I know of, the kids are welcome, but the parents would take them out. I really think it depends on your friend groups. Presents are usually optional, and the couple or their family have offered to host out of town guests. If I couldn't afford to attend, I wouldn't embarrass myself or the host by asking for money. I'd send a card and an Oxfam gift of hope.

Brainstorming for my entirely possible nuptials:

If the governess came to watch the children, I wouldn't embarrass her by allowing her to join us at dinner, but I'd have the nursery maid sleep in the children's room so that the governess could join in the dancing, catch a duke's eye, and be rescued from a life of service.

I'm not quite sure what I'd do if a tutor or Nanny showed up. The nanny might enjoy a drive with the chauffeur, I suppose. And perhaps the tutor could pair with the vicar's youngest daughter? Obviously I could only get away with this at the country house or in the colonies. I barely acknowledge the staff when I'm in town.

:) The last thing that any self-respecting employee wants is to socialize with the boss, especially during down time.