Several thoughts:
- You're a saint for taking that child out of that situation; you're a double saint for bringing her academics up to par. Your actions will carry ripples for generations; her life is better, her children's lives will be better, and society will be better. You've made an inspiring choice.
Thanks, although I'm a being of the more infernal variety.
Things will improve for future generations *if* the child elects to learn from me and if it sticks. Yet I'm becoming increasingly certain that class will perpetuate.
I have not been able to change my daughter's class one iota. (I define "class" the way my maternal grandmother did: your class is not based on your net worth, your income, or where you were educated. It is based on how you treat other people, what responsibilities you have toward them, what if anything you expect in exchange, and what you do with the resources you've got.)
- When my kids wanted to spend on something foolish (Look, Mom, these $80 jeans are on sale for only $50!") I often offered to pay what I would've paid anyway and let them pay the difference (You do need jeans, and I'm willing to pay $20 a pair. I'll give you the $20, and you can pay the $30 out of your pocket.).
That's absolutely brilliant, however I must make a caveat.
In some children's case it's also necessary to physically attend when/where the luxury purchase is taking place to make sure the money gets spent on the luxury purchase in question and not something else.
- My lower class/poorer female students (and I'm assuming your daughter was plucked from that world) have made comments over the years about nice nails showing that you don't work /don't have to work /are being taken care of. Super long /super fancy nails show that you don't work at McDonald's /don't do manual labor; in fact, it's even hard to type with lengthy nails.
Indeed. However, when a woman of any age allows someone else to "take care of her" there's generally compensation of some other kind going on. Suitable occupations include "baby mama", "sugar baby", and "trophy wife". All these titles imply that the woman in question did not personally earn the luxuries she's sporting. There are similar titles for men, such as "pimp", "gigolo", and "cabana boy". For the purpose of this conversation I think it's safe to stay focused on the female part of the experience.
The derogatory labels obviously are seldom applied to women whose occupation requires them to maintain a very high-maintenance caricature look: for example, people who work in the beauty industry and certain aspects of the entertainment industry.
I know, and am related to, a few women who like a very nice manicure. They may decorate their nails for special occasions, but they keep them short enough to be able to type an E-mail. None of the ones who are supported by anybody else (such as a husband) decorate their nails with anything more complicated or attention-seeking than polish. They make that fashion decision chiefly to avoid looking like trophy wives or mistresses. Those who have a profession and support themselves choose to decorate, or not, depending on who their customers and business clients are.
These girls sometimes refuse to take part in school activities because of their nails: "I have detention tomorrow because I wouldn't participate in PE today, but you know I can't play volleyball with my nails." (other girls nod in agreement) or, "I took a zero in Biology; I'm not about to ruin my nails by touching that frog."
Ah, chattel in training.
By this, I mean that they're willing to sacrifice something that compromises their long-term health and best interests in favor of a status symbol that's not going to not exist in two weeks. If their attitude lasts, the young women in question may never develop the skills that let them provide value to other human beings. That creates an economic vulnerability that can and will lead a young woman into a relationship (however short-term or long term) in exchange for money and material goods, assuming she doesn't desire such a situation for its own sake.
The irony is that although having a fancy manicure might be a status symbol, fussing over it and making decisions based on it is not. Anyone who has the means to do what they want with their fingernails either gets them done in a way that suits their lifestyle (short and sports-friendly, for people whose lifestyles include sport), or accepts that they occasionally have to waste a set on frog guts or something similar. (Since when does dissection require touching the subject?)
Of course we could say that for any status symbol.
Yeah, I've heard such things on a fairly frequent basis. In some girls' worlds, fancy nails are the #2 status symbol (cell phones being #1 these days for all teens). I don't know whether your daughter buys into this concept -- and I'm pretty sure you'd put work ethic above this foolish idea -- but it isn't an unusual thought process. It's not unlike the desire for a dark suntan that we had when I was a teen (before we were all terrified of skin cancer), which was popular in part because it showed you had the money and leisure time to go to the beach /pool instead of an after-school job.
I do indeed prioritize work ethic; it's an example of how un-hip, un-cool, and low-class I am compared to my daughters' exalted peers. Many of them do not work for a living. They are whores, baby mamas, and trophy girlfriends or trophy wives. Sadly, my daughter's not willing to do what whores, professional baby mamas, and trophy women do. So it's unreasonable for her to expect to live the same lifestyle. Given unlimited means she'd go full Trustafarian.
I of course am not giving my daughter the means to live as though she's independently wealthy. Because of this, she regularly screams at me, throws temper tantrums, calls me a "piece of shit" or worse, and damages my home. The tantrum invariably wears itself out when she finds someone else to give her what she wants, generally because she's filled their head with stories of how unreasonable I am and how I'm not supporting her financially. It's at the point where I have to have receipts and proof easily accessible because of the sheer number of people who believe the wild (and false) stories of how my daughter is being deprived of food, basic clothing, shelter, or medical care. From time to time they take it upon themselves to crusade on my daughter's behalf, and I'm their primary target.
With my daughter's fixation with the fashionable set in conjunction with her inability to compromise, my biggest fear for her is that she'll end up pulling a Lily Bart.
- Final thought: If nails are really a passion for her, perhaps this is a career path worth investigating.
That's not high-status enough for her, nor will it provide any of the other luxuries she's decided she "needs". Also, it requires that she finish high school which is not presently a priority for her. Nor is any kind of advanced credential. She simply doesn't want to work that hard or spend time in a classroom learning how to run a business. Nor is she willing to apprentice to or be mentored by someone else who did. Owning the salon could be viable for her but only if it is managed by someone else who just writes her a check every month.
My next step is to let reality force her to reprioritize her "needs", "wants", and "nice-to-haves". This isn't something I can do for her. I've tried. She consistently puts the experience of enabling someone else's self destructive or irresponsible behavior above everything else, including her own education. No good ever comes of that.